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_
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Jen? Honey?
3
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(QUIET, RAPID BREATHS)
4
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(GASPS) Your parents are coming. When?
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They'll be here before
the drugs can even kick in.
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(EXHALES)
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Why didn't you tell me?
8
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Because they just told me.
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I mean, I love my parents,
but I hate when they visit.
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00:00:27,536 --> 00:00:28,879
Honestly, I'm gonna lose it, Greg,
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just like I do every
single time they come visit.
12
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:32,989
And then everyone gets upset,
and they leave on bad terms,
13
00:00:32,996 --> 00:00:35,396
and then we do it all
over again the next year.
14
00:00:35,398 --> 00:00:37,498
Well, every family has its traditions.
15
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:40,468
I think the only way to
make this a fun visit
16
00:00:40,470 --> 00:00:44,038
is if we just avoid all conversation.
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00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:44,823
Huh?
18
00:00:44,848 --> 00:00:46,684
We go to places
19
00:00:46,709 --> 00:00:49,188
that prohibit talking.
20
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- Yes.
- Libraries.
21
00:00:50,626 --> 00:00:51,668
- Yes.
- Theaters.
22
00:00:51,669 --> 00:00:53,666
- Yes.
- Scuba diving.
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- Yes!
- All that matters is
24
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,007
the second they get
here, we are out the door.
25
00:00:58,492 --> 00:00:59,654
Jenny, look.
26
00:00:59,656 --> 00:01:01,489
Look, sweetheart,
look what Daddy's done.
27
00:01:01,491 --> 00:01:02,857
Just sit me in a chair
28
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and leave me for dead.
29
00:01:05,125 --> 00:01:06,702
Oh, no.
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00:01:06,703 --> 00:01:09,675
This is the worst thing
that could have happened.
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So, Dave, tell her how it happened.
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Well, Charlotte kindly tucked
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the comforter into the end of the bed.
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I slipped in for the evening, and, uh...
35
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like that, my ankle just exploded.
36
00:01:21,511 --> 00:01:23,940
So the-the weight of
the goose-down feathers
37
00:01:23,965 --> 00:01:25,980
was just too much for
your ankle to handle?
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00:01:25,982 --> 00:01:27,715
Had there been any
higher of a thread count,
39
00:01:27,717 --> 00:01:29,283
and I would've been facing amputation.
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00:01:29,285 --> 00:01:30,451
CHARLOTTE: But Daddy's forgiven me,
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and I forgive him for asking me
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to make the bed in the first place.
43
00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:35,690
Although the case might be
made that the one who took on
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00:01:35,692 --> 00:01:38,025
the responsibility of
making the bed had a sort of
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an implied contract to create
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a safe environment.
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Wow. (LAUGHS)
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Starting with a toughie
right out of the gate.
49
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What smells?
50
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,272
Tutu-Bipsy.
51
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And G-Pa!
52
00:01:52,942 --> 00:01:54,876
Now, Lark, you got to be careful, okay?
53
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'Cause G-Pa's got a hurtsy.
54
00:01:56,679 --> 00:01:58,980
Oh, no, that's fine, Greg.
The herpes is long, long gone.
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Sweetheart, come, give me a big kiss.
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(GROANS) I can't believe we're
stuck here listening to them.
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My head is gonna explode
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00:02:07,049 --> 00:02:09,626
- like my dad's ankle.
- You want to know what?
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00:02:09,645 --> 00:02:10,751
Here's what we're gonna do.
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00:02:10,776 --> 00:02:12,901
- What?
- You hang out with your parents
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00:02:12,926 --> 00:02:14,128
for as long as you can stand,
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00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:15,963
and when you reach your breaking point,
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I'll swoop in and relieve you.
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00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:19,333
We'll tag-team' em.
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00:02:19,335 --> 00:02:20,568
Yes.
66
00:02:20,584 --> 00:02:21,870
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
67
00:02:21,871 --> 00:02:23,504
Aside from the fact that I now have
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00:02:23,506 --> 00:02:26,289
the visual of us
tag-teaming my parents...
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00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,608
I like that.
70
00:02:29,876 --> 00:02:31,876
And that is when it
became obvious to me
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00:02:31,877 --> 00:02:35,283
that Shakespeare was,
in fact... a woman.
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00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:37,985
That is a conspiracy
theory I have not yet heard.
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00:02:37,987 --> 00:02:40,555
Daddy was very affected by
the Wonder Woman film.
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00:02:40,557 --> 00:02:42,626
- Sure.
- That's true... and what heroes
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00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:44,876
are more super than our
literary heroes, correct?
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00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:46,060
He's just trying to find a niche
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00:02:46,062 --> 00:02:47,795
to compete with the
young professors who cut
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- their jeans off at the bottom.
- It's an entirely
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00:02:49,966 --> 00:02:51,799
valid point of view...
Just happens to be
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from a younger perspective, that's all.
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00:02:53,436 --> 00:02:56,037
Uh, do you... do you know
who cuts his jeans off
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00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:57,138
at the bottoms?
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00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:58,706
Greg. True story.
84
00:02:58,708 --> 00:03:00,329
Greg?
85
00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:04,405
Oh, hey, hon. Don't
forget to give me a sign
86
00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:05,813
when you need a break, okay?
87
00:03:05,815 --> 00:03:08,049
Greg, me getting up
and coming over to you
88
00:03:08,050 --> 00:03:10,285
with this face is the sign.
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00:03:10,286 --> 00:03:13,054
Oh. Oh, I... I just thought
you were gonna give me a signal
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00:03:13,056 --> 00:03:14,822
like whistling and patting yourself
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00:03:14,824 --> 00:03:16,424
like you lost your keys or something.
92
00:03:16,426 --> 00:03:18,492
But don't worry, I gotcha.
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00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:21,001
- (WHISPERS): Tag.
- Tag.
94
00:03:23,018 --> 00:03:24,632
So, what are we talking about?
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00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:26,867
Greg, settle this...
Was Shakespeare a woman?
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00:03:26,869 --> 00:03:28,502
(WHISTLES)
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00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,406
Jen, tell your father it's not true.
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00:03:32,408 --> 00:03:34,809
He claims there's a crow
that speaks sign language
99
00:03:34,811 --> 00:03:37,604
and also volunteers
for the fire brigade.
100
00:03:37,629 --> 00:03:39,680
It happens to be the
gospel truth, all right?
101
00:03:39,682 --> 00:03:42,930
A student showed me the video.
The crow's name is Murphy...
102
00:03:42,955 --> 00:03:45,470
Although around the firehouse,
they all refer to him as Murph.
103
00:03:45,495 --> 00:03:47,088
It's the truth... You can Guggle it.
104
00:03:47,362 --> 00:03:48,889
I can what it?
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00:03:48,891 --> 00:03:50,290
Guggle it. You know,
106
00:03:50,315 --> 00:03:51,259
when you drag something
down from the Internet
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00:03:51,261 --> 00:03:52,693
to get more information.
108
00:03:52,695 --> 00:03:54,996
I believe it's pronounced "Google."
109
00:03:54,998 --> 00:03:56,797
See? I've been telling you that
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00:03:56,799 --> 00:03:59,634
since we had dinner with the MacDuggals.
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00:03:59,659 --> 00:04:00,701
It's the MacDougals.
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00:04:00,703 --> 00:04:02,136
You know what, will you excuse me?
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I'm getting a phone call to Greg.
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Greg?
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(DOOR OPENS)
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Wow. All I said was, is I
have no idea about the crow,
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and they did not stop talking.
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It's exhausting.
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Just promise me you and I will never
120
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talk to each other that much.
121
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I promise.
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But I'm proud of you.
123
00:04:23,559 --> 00:04:24,659
Hmm?
124
00:04:24,661 --> 00:04:26,093
Now, get out there.
125
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You can do this.
126
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Thanks, babe.
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I needed that.
128
00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:33,934
Hey, wait a minute, no,
I was coming in here.
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It's your turn.
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Damn it. So close.
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(SIGHS)
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(QUIET GRUNT)
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We did it.
134
00:04:44,665 --> 00:04:46,814
We tag-teamed our way
through their visit.
135
00:04:46,816 --> 00:04:49,906
I am so proud of you... you
didn't lose it on them once.
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00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:52,502
(SMACKS LIPS) Man, I will say it again.
137
00:04:52,527 --> 00:04:55,479
I am so lucky my college boyfriend died.
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Ha... Aw.
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00:04:58,227 --> 00:04:59,927
Well, we are so sad you're leaving.
140
00:04:59,929 --> 00:05:02,229
The car is waiting outside
to take you to the airport.
141
00:05:02,231 --> 00:05:04,365
And we packed your
bags for you. So, bye.
142
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:06,771
That was so thoughtful of you.
143
00:05:06,796 --> 00:05:08,551
But you didn't have to do that.
144
00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:10,275
Because we're staying.
145
00:05:10,789 --> 00:05:12,039
Where?
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00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:14,575
Here. We've decided to extend our trip.
147
00:05:14,584 --> 00:05:15,911
- When?
- Now.
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00:05:15,912 --> 00:05:17,745
- No.
- Wow.
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00:05:17,747 --> 00:05:19,347
We're so concerned about your marriage.
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00:05:19,349 --> 00:05:20,981
The whole time we've been here,
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00:05:20,983 --> 00:05:23,784
we've barely seen the
two of you together once.
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00:05:23,786 --> 00:05:26,454
It's as if as soon as one
of you enters the room,
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00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,756
the other's so revolted, they leave.
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00:05:28,758 --> 00:05:30,958
We're not letting the two
of you give up. We're not.
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00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,693
That's why me and Mommy are staying
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00:05:32,695 --> 00:05:34,774
until we've all worked
this thing through together.
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00:05:34,799 --> 00:05:36,030
Have you seen my keys?
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00:05:36,032 --> 00:05:37,465
Oh, my God. No.
159
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,166
You know what? I'm done.
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00:05:39,168 --> 00:05:40,468
I can't take it anymore.
161
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,821
This week has been insufferable!
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00:05:42,846 --> 00:05:44,805
Good girl, Jen, let it all out.
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00:05:44,807 --> 00:05:46,173
And now, Greg, your turn.
164
00:05:46,175 --> 00:05:48,476
Tell us, how do you feel about Jen?
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(QUIETLY): Mm-mm.
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_
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What the hell is that?
168
00:05:57,141 --> 00:05:59,520
Mom-Mom, this pasta is so good.
169
00:05:59,522 --> 00:06:00,988
Oh, thank you, dear.
170
00:06:00,990 --> 00:06:04,542
The key is to get the
mayonnaise really boiling.
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00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,400
Then it candies.
172
00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:09,249
It was my grandmother Wandy's recipe.
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00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:10,542
- Wandy?
- Mm-hmm.
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00:06:10,566 --> 00:06:12,400
What kind of a name is that?
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00:06:12,402 --> 00:06:13,934
It's short for Wanda.
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00:06:13,936 --> 00:06:15,236
But that's not shorter.
177
00:06:15,238 --> 00:06:16,937
Well, it was a slower time then.
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00:06:16,939 --> 00:06:20,708
Hey, you two, tell Sophia about Wandy.
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00:06:20,710 --> 00:06:23,244
Oh, the kids' magician that
ended up going to prison?
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00:06:23,246 --> 00:06:24,311
Yeah, I don't think
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00:06:24,313 --> 00:06:25,913
she's old enough for that story, Mom.
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00:06:25,915 --> 00:06:28,975
No, no, no. I'm talking about Wandy,
183
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,017
your great-grandmother.
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00:06:30,019 --> 00:06:32,586
I can't believe you've
forgotten your family history.
185
00:06:32,587 --> 00:06:35,458
Oh... Wandy.
186
00:06:35,459 --> 00:06:37,293
- Wandy.
- Yeah.
187
00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:38,833
I don't remember her.
188
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:40,585
- No.
- This is so sad.
189
00:06:40,606 --> 00:06:42,496
I mean, what happens when I'm gone?
190
00:06:42,498 --> 00:06:45,034
Our whole family story disappears.
191
00:06:45,059 --> 00:06:47,287
Like cousin Victor down that sinkhole.
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00:06:47,292 --> 00:06:48,210
(CHUCKLES)
193
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,372
I know how to save it, Mom-Mom.
194
00:06:51,374 --> 00:06:53,741
I'm not freezing my head.
195
00:06:54,233 --> 00:06:57,679
Okay, we just have to fill
these test tubes up to the line.
196
00:06:57,704 --> 00:07:01,761
Oh! A genetic testing
kit. How sophisticated.
197
00:07:01,786 --> 00:07:02,650
(SPITS)
198
00:07:02,652 --> 00:07:04,232
We shouldn't have done this after lunch.
199
00:07:04,250 --> 00:07:06,667
- They're gonna think I'm part hamburger.
- We're just a couple
200
00:07:06,668 --> 00:07:10,124
loogies away from knowing
our entire family tree.
201
00:07:10,126 --> 00:07:13,673
Oh, Wandy would be so proud.
202
00:07:13,698 --> 00:07:16,397
She was very prideful.
203
00:07:16,399 --> 00:07:19,033
She wouldn't even
talk to my grandfather,
204
00:07:19,035 --> 00:07:21,602
Junious, until he
helped her board the ship
205
00:07:21,604 --> 00:07:24,003
that would carry them to New York.
206
00:07:24,237 --> 00:07:25,873
You see, she couldn't walk,
207
00:07:25,875 --> 00:07:28,509
and medicine wasn't what it is today.
208
00:07:28,511 --> 00:07:31,812
Remember, though, this
is a long time ago.
209
00:07:31,814 --> 00:07:33,714
Like when Hamilton was white?
210
00:07:33,715 --> 00:07:35,376
- After that.
- Okay.
211
00:07:35,416 --> 00:07:39,453
It would be 15 years before
Junious had the courage
212
00:07:39,455 --> 00:07:41,589
to ask for her hand.
213
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:46,660
But her father said
no, and so, they eloped.
214
00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:50,664
Oh, they don't make love
stories like that anymore.
215
00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:51,999
(SPITS)
216
00:07:53,771 --> 00:07:56,170
As you can see, we're each representing
217
00:07:56,172 --> 00:07:58,339
our newly-discovered genetic history.
218
00:07:58,341 --> 00:07:59,440
(ALL CHUCKLE)
219
00:07:59,442 --> 00:08:01,349
Je m'appelle Sophia.
220
00:08:01,374 --> 00:08:02,605
I'm 10% French.
221
00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:04,789
And I'm 60% Scottish.
222
00:08:04,814 --> 00:08:08,759
Well, turns out I'm
related to John Wayne Gacy,
223
00:08:08,784 --> 00:08:10,684
but I'm not gonna dress up like that.
224
00:08:10,686 --> 00:08:12,353
Here's our genetic report.
225
00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:17,691
And here is the greatest
love story of all time.
226
00:08:17,693 --> 00:08:19,527
Junious and Wandy,
227
00:08:19,529 --> 00:08:20,694
my grandparents.
228
00:08:21,006 --> 00:08:22,272
HEATHER: Huh.
229
00:08:22,297 --> 00:08:23,531
Well, that's weird.
230
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:27,778
Wandy also had an uncle
named Junious, and he was
231
00:08:27,803 --> 00:08:30,811
born on the same day as her husband.
232
00:08:30,836 --> 00:08:32,640
Oh, it was a family name.
233
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:36,243
And he died on the
same day as her husband.
234
00:08:37,298 --> 00:08:38,965
Did she marry her uncle?
235
00:08:39,356 --> 00:08:40,943
No, don't be ridiculous.
236
00:08:40,968 --> 00:08:44,051
It's the greatest
love story of all time.
237
00:08:44,053 --> 00:08:45,953
He carried her off the boat.
238
00:08:45,955 --> 00:08:48,322
Because she was four months old.
239
00:08:48,324 --> 00:08:50,157
No! No, no, no, no, no.
240
00:08:50,159 --> 00:08:51,792
It was love!
241
00:08:51,794 --> 00:08:55,160
He-he taught her to walk,
he even spoon-fed her.
242
00:08:55,185 --> 00:08:57,698
They courted for 15 years.
243
00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:00,167
Yeah, until she was 15 years old.
244
00:09:00,169 --> 00:09:01,802
No wonder her father disapproved.
245
00:09:01,804 --> 00:09:03,291
Guy married his own niece.
246
00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,793
- (GASPS)
- COLLEEN: Sam, that's like
247
00:09:04,841 --> 00:09:06,106
you marrying Uncle Matt.
248
00:09:06,108 --> 00:09:07,556
Oh... (STAMMERS)
249
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,869
So, we're the product of incest?
250
00:09:09,894 --> 00:09:11,845
Well, you are. (LAUGHS)
251
00:09:11,847 --> 00:09:14,114
I guess this, uh, means my mom and dad
252
00:09:14,116 --> 00:09:17,125
both wearing toupees isn't so
weird anymore, huh? (CHUCKLES)
253
00:09:17,150 --> 00:09:19,153
No, it was a different time!
254
00:09:19,155 --> 00:09:21,889
He stole a baby and married it.
255
00:09:21,891 --> 00:09:23,436
He loved the baby!
256
00:09:23,461 --> 00:09:24,325
MATT: Mom,
257
00:09:24,327 --> 00:09:26,460
are you really defending this?
258
00:09:27,930 --> 00:09:29,138
No.
259
00:09:31,451 --> 00:09:33,035
Give it back.
260
00:09:33,060 --> 00:09:36,136
It's just that it was
such a great love story,
261
00:09:36,138 --> 00:09:38,535
and I'm proud of my incest and...
262
00:09:38,675 --> 00:09:39,650
No,
263
00:09:39,675 --> 00:09:41,041
I'm not proud of incest.
264
00:09:41,043 --> 00:09:42,209
It's just that,
265
00:09:42,211 --> 00:09:46,146
you know, DNA really sucks,
266
00:09:46,148 --> 00:09:48,816
because then you find out incest.
267
00:09:48,818 --> 00:09:51,485
And so what's left for you?
268
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:56,233
Well, best I was hoping
for was an explanation
269
00:09:56,258 --> 00:09:57,625
for Uncle Greg's tail.
270
00:09:57,751 --> 00:09:59,126
Think we found it.
271
00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:01,917
_
272
00:10:03,584 --> 00:10:05,751
- Happy birthday.
- Oh!
273
00:10:05,792 --> 00:10:08,718
- Ooh! It's such a big box.
- (GIGGLES) Mm-hmm.
274
00:10:08,751 --> 00:10:10,043
As my dad would say,
275
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:12,209
you can fit way more
than a human head in here.
276
00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:12,959
Mm.
277
00:10:12,971 --> 00:10:14,088
What is it?
278
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:15,512
(BOTH SQUEAL)
279
00:10:15,537 --> 00:10:17,103
(GASPS)
280
00:10:17,128 --> 00:10:21,333
Oh, look, you gave me a book
of homemade coupons again.
281
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:23,626
- Yeah.
- For chores
282
00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:25,415
and other silly, silly stuff.
283
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,483
You just can't stop
giving me coupons as gifts.
284
00:10:27,485 --> 00:10:28,903
No way. You love 'em.
285
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,254
Mm. Happy birthday.
286
00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:32,722
Thank you. Love you.
287
00:10:32,724 --> 00:10:34,924
Ugh.
288
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:36,192
Classic Matt.
289
00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:38,394
Giving a gift no one would ever use.
290
00:10:38,396 --> 00:10:40,283
Ugh. You know what?
291
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:42,232
That all changes today.
292
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:44,500
I'm gonna become the
first person in the world
293
00:10:44,502 --> 00:10:46,903
to actually cash those coupons in.
294
00:10:46,918 --> 00:10:48,502
- Mm-hmm.
- (GREG WHISTLES)
295
00:10:48,542 --> 00:10:49,917
Jen, have you seen my keys?
296
00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:52,325
Uh, Greg's whistling. I got to go.
297
00:10:58,375 --> 00:11:00,251
I've decided it's time to dive in
298
00:11:00,252 --> 00:11:02,668
and start using those gift coupons.
299
00:11:02,670 --> 00:11:04,971
All right. What am I warming
up, the tub or the wax?
300
00:11:04,973 --> 00:11:06,505
'Cause I can get down with either one.
301
00:11:06,507 --> 00:11:08,674
Ooh, you're gonna get down, all right.
302
00:11:08,676 --> 00:11:09,875
With a little karaoke.
303
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,877
I did not give you a coupon for karaoke.
304
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,245
No, but you gave me a coupon for
305
00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:15,108
"an adventure of your own choosing,"
306
00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:16,208
and the choice has been made.
307
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,418
- We'll do your hair in the car.
- But I don't like karaoke.
308
00:11:18,419 --> 00:11:20,486
That's 'cause you've
only done it in English.
309
00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:25,925
(SINGING IN KOREAN)
310
00:11:25,927 --> 00:11:27,026
Hey!
311
00:11:27,028 --> 00:11:29,195
(CONTINUES SINGING IN KOREAN)
312
00:11:29,197 --> 00:11:31,364
(BOTH SINGING IN KOREAN)
313
00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:43,610
COLLEEN: Yay! This is the best.
314
00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:45,678
I can't believe I didn't
cash these coupons in sooner.
315
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:47,096
I wish I could be one of those people
316
00:11:47,121 --> 00:11:49,234
that ate all of my meals in bed.
317
00:11:49,259 --> 00:11:50,716
You're describing a quadriplegic.
318
00:11:50,718 --> 00:11:53,386
Mmm, this is so good.
319
00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:55,855
Somebody order a sexy handyman?
320
00:11:55,857 --> 00:11:57,456
Yeah.
321
00:11:57,458 --> 00:11:58,858
The garbage disposal's clogged.
322
00:11:58,876 --> 00:12:00,959
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll be back in three hours.
323
00:12:03,069 --> 00:12:04,597
Mmm.
324
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:06,966
That is amazing.
325
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:08,768
Now work on that
bunion. Whittle it down.
326
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:10,413
Yay.
327
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:12,464
Oh.
328
00:12:20,958 --> 00:12:22,591
Mmm.
329
00:12:23,313 --> 00:12:24,052
Oh.
330
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:25,290
Thank you, Mom. I
forgot what it was like
331
00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:26,786
to have someone make breakfast for me.
332
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,062
JOAN: Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.
333
00:12:29,087 --> 00:12:31,657
Well, I guess I'm off to do the dishes.
334
00:12:31,659 --> 00:12:34,062
Unless anybody wants to help me.
335
00:12:34,531 --> 00:12:35,757
No thanks, Joan.
336
00:12:35,782 --> 00:12:39,013
Joan, here. Give this coupon to Matt.
337
00:12:39,038 --> 00:12:40,966
Then he'll do any chores that you want
338
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,735
in whatever outfit that you want.
339
00:12:42,737 --> 00:12:44,537
Now, I prefer the
French maid, but I'm sure
340
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:46,872
that you're gonna take it
in a different direction.
341
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,875
I gave that coupon
to you, not to my mom.
342
00:12:49,877 --> 00:12:51,610
I know, and I'm giving it to her.
343
00:12:51,612 --> 00:12:53,012
It's called regifting.
344
00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:55,247
Well, it's rude and incredibly hurtful.
345
00:12:55,249 --> 00:12:57,183
Well, not as hurtful as getting coupons
346
00:12:57,185 --> 00:12:59,252
for your birthday instead of a gift.
347
00:12:59,277 --> 00:13:01,344
We can give coupons for birthdays?
348
00:13:01,369 --> 00:13:03,586
Babe, if you can tell
me when my birthday is,
349
00:13:03,611 --> 00:13:04,657
you can give me a coupon.
350
00:13:04,682 --> 00:13:07,159
June. July.
351
00:13:07,417 --> 00:13:08,908
- Jewelry it is.
- That's right.
352
00:13:08,909 --> 00:13:10,730
I thought everybody
loved getting coupons.
353
00:13:10,732 --> 00:13:12,537
Coupons are literally the worst gift
354
00:13:12,562 --> 00:13:13,566
you could ever give a person,
355
00:13:13,568 --> 00:13:14,700
and that's coming from a woman
356
00:13:14,702 --> 00:13:16,702
whose last present was a flu shot.
357
00:13:16,727 --> 00:13:19,570
Now, that is a gift
that keeps on giving.
358
00:13:19,595 --> 00:13:21,795
Through flu season.
359
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:23,175
30% of the time.
360
00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:24,917
Matt, it's not that we want you
361
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:26,317
to spend more money on us.
362
00:13:26,342 --> 00:13:29,519
We just want you to, you
know, think about us a little.
363
00:13:29,544 --> 00:13:30,483
JOAN: And luckily,
364
00:13:30,485 --> 00:13:31,884
you'll be able to do that
365
00:13:31,886 --> 00:13:33,903
while you're doing the dishes.
366
00:13:34,459 --> 00:13:35,876
Yeah, and the French maid's outfit's
367
00:13:35,877 --> 00:13:38,020
up in the hall closet.
368
00:13:38,045 --> 00:13:40,412
Should be dry by now.
369
00:13:41,137 --> 00:13:43,904
You want the heels, let me know.
370
00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:51,543
_
371
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:54,533
Oh!
372
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,983
Sorry. (CHUCKLES) I
don't want to poke you.
373
00:13:57,008 --> 00:13:58,502
No, it's okay.
374
00:13:58,762 --> 00:14:00,529
TIM: Boom!
375
00:14:00,905 --> 00:14:02,073
Right on the nipple.
376
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,842
Oh! Babe, you think
my nipple is that high?
377
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,183
Oh, honey.
378
00:14:06,209 --> 00:14:08,584
Guys, this is my prom, not yours.
379
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:09,855
I know. Sweetie, listen,
380
00:14:09,857 --> 00:14:11,757
we are here to chaperone,
okay? That is it.
381
00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:14,060
Yeah, tonight's all about you, honey.
382
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,976
Now you get out there, you crazy kids.
383
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,334
- (LAUGHS)
- Come on.
384
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,653
So the parents can have a little fun.
385
00:14:21,678 --> 00:14:25,913
(GASPS) Oh. I always
fall for the bad boys.
386
00:14:26,674 --> 00:14:28,446
Ah. Oh.
387
00:14:29,811 --> 00:14:33,668
I cannot believe that I get
to be at real prom with you.
388
00:14:33,693 --> 00:14:36,449
Oh, honey, I am so in love with...
389
00:14:36,451 --> 00:14:39,387
Wayne Winger? (GASPS)
390
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,333
Oh!
391
00:14:40,375 --> 00:14:41,458
- Who's Wayne Winger?
- (YELPS)
392
00:14:41,459 --> 00:14:44,490
He was only the most popular
guy in my high school.
393
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:47,533
I mean, he was, like, the
winner of Battle of the Bands,
394
00:14:47,558 --> 00:14:48,799
he was prom king.
395
00:14:48,824 --> 00:14:51,736
He won class vice president,
and he only came in second
396
00:14:51,761 --> 00:14:53,111
because Janelle Swanson had polio.
397
00:14:53,136 --> 00:14:54,814
I don't even think that's a real thing.
398
00:14:54,839 --> 00:14:55,901
Why don't you just go say hi?
399
00:14:55,903 --> 00:14:58,641
Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
400
00:14:58,667 --> 00:14:59,709
He will never remember who I am.
401
00:14:59,752 --> 00:15:01,298
He was way too popular for me. Okay?
402
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,959
We talked, like, one time.
403
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,492
He will have no idea who this girl is.
404
00:15:05,517 --> 00:15:07,205
Heather Short.
405
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:11,085
(CHUCKLES) You look exactly the same.
406
00:15:11,436 --> 00:15:13,469
It's me. It's Wayne Winger.
407
00:15:13,471 --> 00:15:14,961
Wayne... Wayne...
408
00:15:14,986 --> 00:15:16,839
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
W-Winger. Wayne-w...
409
00:15:16,841 --> 00:15:20,521
Wayne Winger, right! Yes.
I haven't seen you since...
410
00:15:20,542 --> 00:15:23,001
- That night.
- Yeah. Whoa.
411
00:15:23,042 --> 00:15:24,834
- And then I shipped out.
- You did.
412
00:15:24,835 --> 00:15:26,291
Desert Storm One.
413
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:28,043
- Oh, yeah.
- Military band.
414
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,400
Mmm.
415
00:15:29,425 --> 00:15:31,814
Excuse me, I have to go tune my axe.
416
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:32,588
I like to keep all my instruments
417
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:34,601
in fine working order.
418
00:15:34,989 --> 00:15:37,393
Do not go away.
419
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:40,141
Oh, no, I won't. I won't. I won't.
420
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:41,918
- (WHOOPS)
- (GASPS)
421
00:15:41,958 --> 00:15:44,300
What was that about? You said
he only talked to you one time.
422
00:15:44,302 --> 00:15:47,157
Yes, the night that we had sex.
423
00:15:47,182 --> 00:15:48,032
Oh, my God, Tim,
424
00:15:48,057 --> 00:15:50,492
I cannot believe that he
remembers me. It just...
425
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,741
It's Wayne Winger.
426
00:15:52,148 --> 00:15:55,316
Totally remembers me. Me!
427
00:15:57,916 --> 00:15:59,382
Can you help me get my earring in?
428
00:15:59,384 --> 00:16:00,516
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
429
00:16:00,518 --> 00:16:01,651
Hey, if I can remember correctly,
430
00:16:01,653 --> 00:16:03,310
you really knew how to handle a stud.
431
00:16:03,335 --> 00:16:05,201
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Hey,
uh, let me help with this.
432
00:16:05,226 --> 00:16:06,279
I'm, uh...
433
00:16:06,304 --> 00:16:09,191
(NORMAL VOICE): I'm an
ear doctor and her husband.
434
00:16:09,193 --> 00:16:12,295
Dr. Tim Hughes, it's
actually pronounced "Huge."
435
00:16:12,778 --> 00:16:15,108
Hello, North Tippet High!
436
00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:16,432
(CROWD CHEERS)
437
00:16:17,364 --> 00:16:20,489
We are Wingz with a
"Z" for legal reasons.
438
00:16:20,524 --> 00:16:22,676
Are you ready to rock?
439
00:16:23,041 --> 00:16:25,241
(BAND STARTS PLAYING)
440
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,890
? I am done being disregarded ?
441
00:16:29,915 --> 00:16:31,789
? Through the night,
you beg for pardon ?
442
00:16:31,814 --> 00:16:32,348
(SPRAYING)
443
00:16:32,350 --> 00:16:34,250
? Many lies would it
take to praise you... ?
444
00:16:34,252 --> 00:16:35,688
Are you still into this guy?
445
00:16:35,713 --> 00:16:37,541
Who? Oh, Wayne?
446
00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:39,751
- Eh, he's not into me.
- No, no, no.
447
00:16:39,757 --> 00:16:41,390
I said you're still into him.
448
00:16:41,999 --> 00:16:44,493
(SIGHS) Oh... I hate
it when you get jealous.
449
00:16:44,495 --> 00:16:45,625
Jealous? Of who?
450
00:16:45,626 --> 00:16:47,164
- Wayne.
- (SCOFFS)
451
00:16:47,165 --> 00:16:49,432
(LAUGHING): Wayne? Wayne's dumb.
452
00:16:49,434 --> 00:16:50,866
Oh, come on, Tim.
453
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:53,035
Wayne is not dumb, obviously.
454
00:16:53,037 --> 00:16:55,805
I mean, he's in a band, okay?
455
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:58,674
You know what? Let's just...
let's not do this here.
456
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,950
WAYNE: ? Sat and waited,
worried for you... ?
457
00:17:02,459 --> 00:17:04,584
(SIGHS) What is up with your dad?
458
00:17:04,592 --> 00:17:06,418
He thinks I like Wayne.
459
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,215
Wayne Thompson?
460
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,788
He's a ninth grader,
and you couldn't get him.
461
00:17:10,813 --> 00:17:12,113
SAMANTHA: Really, Mom?
462
00:17:12,138 --> 00:17:14,051
I knew you guys would
make this night about you.
463
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:16,689
What? We've been watching
you the whole time.
464
00:17:16,714 --> 00:17:17,845
You've been here, right?
465
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,090
- Yeah, I've been having a blast.
- Good.
466
00:17:20,091 --> 00:17:22,208
The lead guitarist keeps
licking his lips at you.
467
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,084
Really?
468
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:24,736
And Ryan won't even dance with me.
469
00:17:24,751 --> 00:17:26,502
- Why not?
- Because Dad stole him.
470
00:17:26,524 --> 00:17:28,259
He keeps calling him "Rye Bread."
471
00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:29,554
This Wayne guy
472
00:17:29,579 --> 00:17:31,211
thinks he's so cool?
473
00:17:31,368 --> 00:17:32,913
Tell you what, Heather's
gonna change her tune
474
00:17:32,938 --> 00:17:34,677
as soon as the lease is up on my minivan
475
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,545
and I get a kick-ass sports car.
476
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,468
You feel me, Rye Bread?
477
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,667
- Yeah.
- All right, Tim, come on.
478
00:17:41,696 --> 00:17:42,913
Let's stop being a buzzkill
479
00:17:42,918 --> 00:17:44,918
and give Samantha her date back, okay?
480
00:17:44,966 --> 00:17:48,968
I will, just as soon as my
date stops eye-banging Wayne.
481
00:17:49,266 --> 00:17:51,756
You did not just say that to me.
482
00:17:52,292 --> 00:17:55,210
- Come on, Sam, let's go.
- Really, Mom?
483
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:57,166
Shouldn't your commitment
484
00:17:57,168 --> 00:17:59,463
to one another for 20 years mean more
485
00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:02,251
than some really cool
guy from your wife's past?
486
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,174
I mean, you won her heart.
487
00:18:05,176 --> 00:18:07,910
Isn't that what really
matters, Dr. Huge?
488
00:18:08,991 --> 00:18:11,113
You're a good kid, Ryan.
489
00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,863
Maybe the best.
490
00:18:15,709 --> 00:18:17,853
Your dad is behaving like a child.
491
00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:20,489
He knows I wasn't a
virgin when I met him.
492
00:18:20,491 --> 00:18:22,361
Ew, you lost your virginity to Wayne?
493
00:18:22,386 --> 00:18:24,266
I wasn't a virgin when I met Wayne.
494
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:27,425
I mean... (STAMMERS) No.
495
00:18:28,347 --> 00:18:30,197
Derek Wilson lost his virginity
496
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:31,876
to a wet toilet paper roll.
497
00:18:31,933 --> 00:18:33,565
I kind of have a crush on him, though.
498
00:18:33,635 --> 00:18:36,276
Mom, you and Dad are
both acting like children.
499
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:39,532
(SIGHS) You're right.
500
00:18:39,557 --> 00:18:43,212
You're right. I... Oh...
501
00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:45,540
I just got caught up
502
00:18:45,565 --> 00:18:47,644
in feeling like a teenager again.
503
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:49,792
It is such an exciting time.
504
00:18:49,814 --> 00:18:52,572
And when you grow up to be
a strong, beautiful woman,
505
00:18:52,597 --> 00:18:54,123
I want you to be able
to look back on tonight
506
00:18:54,125 --> 00:18:56,550
and have beautiful memories.
507
00:18:57,375 --> 00:18:59,417
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks, Mom.
508
00:18:59,425 --> 00:19:00,096
Yeah.
509
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,187
But I won't have anything to remember
510
00:19:02,212 --> 00:19:04,249
unless you let me go
dance with my boyfriend.
511
00:19:04,292 --> 00:19:06,793
- Okay, go, have fun.
- (SAMANTHA GIGGLES)
512
00:19:06,794 --> 00:19:10,418
(SIGHS) Sam's kind of a bitch, huh?
513
00:19:12,375 --> 00:19:14,253
WAYNE: All right, this next one goes out
514
00:19:14,292 --> 00:19:15,417
to a sexy little tiger
515
00:19:15,418 --> 00:19:17,512
who's in the audience tonight.
516
00:19:18,076 --> 00:19:20,721
Just to be clear, I'm talking
about an adult chaperone
517
00:19:20,746 --> 00:19:22,546
and not a student.
518
00:19:28,962 --> 00:19:31,541
Wayne, Wayne, go away.
519
00:19:35,532 --> 00:19:39,844
WAYNE: ? And I'd give
up forever to touch you ?
520
00:19:39,876 --> 00:19:41,364
? 'Cause I know ?
521
00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:44,792
? That you'd feel me somehow ?
522
00:19:44,821 --> 00:19:47,520
? You're the closest to heaven ?
523
00:19:47,545 --> 00:19:49,461
? That I'll ever be ?
524
00:19:49,463 --> 00:19:53,966
? And I don't want
to go home right now ?
525
00:19:54,491 --> 00:19:58,552
? And all I can
taste is this moment ?
526
00:19:59,279 --> 00:20:02,374
? And all I can breathe
is your life... ?
527
00:20:02,376 --> 00:20:03,809
I love you.
528
00:20:04,232 --> 00:20:05,544
Okay?
529
00:20:05,546 --> 00:20:07,413
You know what? I...
We're the adults here.
530
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:10,115
Right? I think it's time we
start acting like it, hmm?
531
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,667
WAYNE: ? ...miss you tonight ?
532
00:20:13,018 --> 00:20:16,923
? And I don't want
the world to see me ?
533
00:20:16,948 --> 00:20:18,080
(HEATHER AND TIM MOANING)
534
00:20:18,105 --> 00:20:22,932
? 'Cause I don't think
that they'd understand ?
535
00:20:22,957 --> 00:20:27,333
? When everything's
made to be broken ?
536
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:31,626
? I just want you
to know who I am. ?
537
00:20:31,651 --> 00:20:36,651
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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538
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:41,251
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