Original subtitles

_

GREG: So, why couldn't we just have

dinner with your boss at a nice restaurant?

Because I'm trying to make partner, Greg.

I need him to see the real me.

Then why did we put away all the photos of Lark?

Oh, he doesn't know I have a kid.

Also, he thinks we're vegan,

so the food's gonna suck... sorry.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(LAUGHING): I mean, come on.

That is, like, legit crazy.

I cannot believe you went to Camp Running Wolf, too.

Now, is this the camp where the kid got murdered,

or the one with the cool hot dogs?

Same camp. Hey, Paul.

Hey, Paul, do you like mashed potatoes?

Oh, we don't have any mashed potatoes, hon.

JEN AND PAUL: Hot potato, hot potato,

we'll be friends forever.

Hot potato, hot potato, we'll be friends for life.

Mush it, dash it, mix it, mash it.

Never use a knife.

Okay, if you can lay down some lyrics,

I can beatbox.

And that's when I realized

somebody has to rescue

the teacup poodles.

- Oh, absolutely. - Yeah.

- Of course, yeah. - Absolutely.

How many poodles have you rescued?

Three. We're very picky.

Mm-hmm. I love a discerning charity.

Yeah, do you take donations?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Great.

I'm gonna get my checkbook.

Who should I make the check out to?

Well, the foundation's in my name,

so just make it out to me.

Done.

I can't remember Paul's wife's name.

Oh, you should have used the rhyming trick, Jen-Pen.

Did you do the rhyming trick?

Not for her, but I did for Tall Paul

- who buys a ball in a stall. - Okay.

Here, don't worry, I got you.

Hey, uh, how do I spell your name?

Just the way it sounds.

Got it. Then that is how we are gonna spell it.

Yeah, if you don't do the rhyming trick

out of the gate, you're kinda screwed.

Okay. We're still looking for that checkbook.

Oh, we found it.

Greg, do you not know what we're doing in here?

I honestly don't.

Are you serious? None of the other assistants

know Paul's wife's name?

Yeah, of course I know the other assistants' names.

Yeah, of course I know your name.

Not today, okay? Please don't test me.

Yeah, no. We're done here.

You can get back to the funeral.

You want to know what I've been getting into?

- Genealogy. - Yeah.

- Mm. - Did you know

that I'm named after my great uncle?

But, medically, great aunt.

Yeah, it's kind of like

that movie, Mrs. Doubtfire... you've seen it.

Except her name was Greg.

You know, I've never seen Mrs. Doubtfire.

What?

So, are you named after anybody?

Well, you know, there was this garden

in the home that I grew up in,

so, obviously...

- Pfft, yeah, obviously. - Obviously.

(LAUGHS)

Ding. Sounds like the coffee's ready.

- Greg, will you meet me in the kitchen? - Uh-huh.

Her name is related to a garden.

- Okay, I'm just gonna throw some out there. - Okay.

- You tell me if any one lands. - Yeah.

- Okay, Lily. - Good.

- Myrtle. - Yep.

- Fern. - Maybe.

- Fence. - No. Yeah, that's a hard pass.

Fence Saltarelli?

I mean, this is a disaster, Greg.

Like, if she finds out that we don't know her name

after spending an entire evening together,

she's gonna hate us.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Probably more you, but mm-hmm.

PAUL: Do I have something in my nose, Bunny?

No. All good. Clear.

Bunny. Her name is Bunny.

Bunny in the garden. I am very mad

that I did not come up with that.

Okay, who's ready for coffee?

Bunny, you a regular or decaf girl?

Uh, regular, I guess.

You sure? 'Cause I can whip up a pot of decaf

like that, Bunny.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Excuse me, I forgot the sugar.

Crap, I got it wrong.

You should have seen the look he gave her.

I mean, I clearly called her the wrong name.

This is terrible.

I knew she wasn't a Bunny.

I mean, I didn't want to say anything, but I knew it.

I just screwed myself out of making partner

because I couldn't remember one name.

Now I'm gonna have to keep parking

between assistant what's-her-face

and Mrs. Never Flushes.

You know, it's actually getting a little late.

We're gonna take a pass on the coffee.

Oh, no, no, stay. Just-just one cup.

We've got cream, sugar, agave.

You know what I say? I like it,

I love it, agave have it.

- Huh? - We don't have any agave.

Well, damn it, Bunny!

You should have told me that earlier.

(SCOFFS) I mean,

Is he a funny bunny or what? (LAUGHS)

- You call your husband "Bunny"? - Mm-hmm.

'Cause we were wondering why you were calling her Bunny.

- Yeah. - That's my pet name for Rose.

No way. Yeah, I just call everybody Bunny.

(LAUGHS)

(QUIETLY): Rose blows her nose and never shows her toes.

Got it. (CLEARS THROAT)

- So, you bunnies want to stay for coffee? - Hmm?

- What the heck, what's one cup? - Yes.

- Great. - Great, great. Hey, say, do you, uh...

you have any camp songs about drinking coffee?

We were children at camp.

We didn't drink coffee.

Yeah. But we did drink bug juice!

Oh! Bug juice! (LAUGHS)

So, did you go to sleepaway camp, Peter?

- Uh... - Uh...

Yeah, Peter, uh, went to break-dancing camp.

_

Oh. Oh, you just getting home?

I was just, uh, checking the expiration date on the mustard.

Still got two months, but that'll sneak up on us.

I'm sorry that I didn't text you back last night.

- Oh. - I lost my phone

in the dugout at Dodger Stadium.

Crazy night.

It turns out the players are super nice, by the way.

Yeah. They seem really nice on TV.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, next time,

maybe we could just have a signal

so that I know you're okay.

That signal could be that you text me back.

Totally.

Hey, when you first said

that we should break up, I...

wasn't so sure, but I am learning so much about myself.

Like, it turns out I'm super funny!

Guys laugh at everything I say,

even when I don't understand the joke.

- (CHUCKLES) - See? (GIGGLES)

Look at me.

Yeah. Look at you.

Where's Clementine, anyway?

The Dodgers have an away game, and, evidently, she's good luck.

Oh, yeah, that's the dream.

To be a young, nubile woman.

And so funny!

- (CHUCKLING): Right? - Yeah.

She's... (CHUCKLES)

But what you got's not bad.

You got to get out there and let the ladies know

you're down to clown.

I'm respecting the honeymoon period of our divorce.

I think Clementine and I should take some time

and examine our feelings.

Oh, feelings are what got you in this mess in the first place.

Marriage, responsibilities, that stupid house.

Man, get out there and have some fun.

No strings attached.

I don't know if I'm ready.

You listen to me.

You take it from a man who also got married too soon.

You never get these years of freedom back.

Now, I love your mother.

- (CHUCKLES) You know? - Uh-huh.

Very happy with the choices I've made, but...

if I had a chance to do it all over again,

I'd do it a little different.

And I'd do a lot more of it.

You know?

Again, love your mom.

Very happy.

But you got to get out there.

You got to live life for both of us.

(BOTH MOANING)

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

Oh, I am so glad we matched.

I thought an app for divorcees

was gonna be filled with a bunch of lonely losers.

God, it is just so fascinating to meet someone

who's this naturally smooth.

Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)

I love that we have so much in common:

still living with our exes, just got on the market,

not looking for anything serious.

Yes! Let's just go crazy and have fun, you know?

We all have HPV anyway.

- We do? - Oh, yeah.

So, you're so smooth.

Okay.

(GASPS) Two mugs.

- (LAUGHS) - We did it! We did it!

Oh, wait, did we do it, or are we just telling people we did?

Doesn't matter to me.

- No. We did it. - Yes!

- This is for Alex. - Alex! Oh, buddy.

Oh!

Ah, she sounds hot. Yeah.

I mean... "she," right?

Not that it matters. Doesn't matter.

Just want you to have fun,

'cause this is the life that we were meant to lead.

Thank you, Dad.

No, thank you.

This is... a one-night stand for man,

and one giant-night stand for mankind! (CHUCKLES)

I love your mother, and I would never choose

to do anything different.

Okay.

- Yeah, okay. - I can go?

All right.

Get out of here. (CHUCKLES)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

(WHISPERS): Man.

ALEX: Oh.

Hold on.

Hi.

So, I, uh,

borrowed one of your shirts.

Hope that's okay. It's a little,

- uh, tight on me. - Yeah, I have really narrow shoulders.

Oh, well, easier to wrap my arms around you.

You're like a sexy...

string cheese.

And I cannot wait to peel off another piece tonight.

Sure. Why don't we make a weekend of it?

Great. Go ahead and change the locks, you son of a bitch.

The kids and I have a place to stay.

(SETS PHONE DOWN)

Whew! Coffee. Yes, please.

(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

- Thank you. - Sure.

I got you! (GRUNTS)

- Hey, no running, please. - (IMITATES GUN FIRING)

Gosh, guys, I told you not to leave your clothes here.

Mom, this doesn't taste like our apple juice.

Oh.

I need someone to wipe me!

Honey, can you do it?

I got the last one.

Oh.

Oh, here he comes,

barely standing... I like the look of this.

I haven't slept... they kept me up all night.

Do we have any sippy cups?

"They"? "Sippy cups"?

Ooh, you nasty! Come on.

_

- Wait, w-wait. - Huh?

What if we didn't?

Have sex? Colleen, we've been married

for, like, two seconds... we can't start that now.

No. Use protection.

No shirts, all skins.

Seriously?

- Yeah. - But I thought

we were gonna wait until your horoscope said

whatever dumb things horoscopes say.

Well, yeah. But then I fell off the balcony,

and I realized that life doesn't always allow you to make plans.

We both want a family, and we're not getting any younger.

- I can't believe we're gonna do this. - I know.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

Mmm...

(DRAWER SLIDES OPEN)

(GROANS, YAWNS)

Hey, baby. Why you packin'?

Well, we have to be ready to go to the hospital.

I could go into labor at any minute.

Whoa!

How can you be pregnant already? We just had sex last night.

(LAUGHS): That's how it works, Matt.

I thought there would be more time.

And I don't know

anything about having a baby.

We need a baby room, and we can't afford to move.

We've already moved, silly.

Welcome back to the garage, dear.

Stay as long as you want.

Just maybe don't breathe too deeply

near the paint

or the gas or the rat feces.

It might not be good for that baby.

COLLEEN: John, that mobile

- is perfect. - Thanks.

Just a few things I had laying around.

(COLLEEN AND JOHN'S ECHOING LAUGHTER)

Um, we're not gonna be staying long.

I'm gonna get a better job.

I know a guy who's hiring.

I want to thank you for this opportunity.

I'm a hard worker, and I want to do well.

Well... I want to sit and drink all day,

but you don't see me doing that.

You do know

- this job i-is for father, right? - Yes.

So what makes you think you're qualified?

Well, n-no one's really qualified to be a dad

until you become one. Right?

Sounds like someone who's gonna wipe the baby

from back to front.

There's a wrong way to wipe?

Next.

Ah. Did you get the job?

Uh, no. He turned into a T. rex and chased me out of the office.

(DOOR CLATTERING)

- (T. REX BELLOWING) - There he is now.

Well, just make sure you get a job

before the credit card bill comes.

'Cause I just bought everything

we're gonna need for the babies.

And an expensive governess.

Hey. Babies?

Yeah.

Um... is that Spanish

- for one baby? - (LAUGHS): No, silly.

We're having quadruplets.

Ah. Really? (CHUCKLES)

Think... think I would have remembered that.

(GIGGLES) Uh, got a lot

going on in my life right now.

You know? And I'm just

starting to feel...

really...

overwhelmed.

JOAN: Interesting.

And tell me what you see.

- _ - Happy baby?

- _ - Uh-huh. And this one?

Happier baby?

Mm-hmm.

Wait, did I get that wrong or right?

There are no wrong or right answers

when it comes to parenting.

Even if you forget

everything else, you'll be okay if you remember

this one crucial piece of information.

? Informer ?

? Ya no say daddy me Snow me ?

? I go blame, I kick your boom boom down ?

? I kick your boom boom down ?

Wait. What?

? A licky your boom boom down. ?

And that's all you need to know to pass your test.

- (CLOCK TICKING LOUDLY) - Test?

- (TICKING ECHOING) - What test?

- (BELL RINGING) - HEATHER: Eyes on your own paper. And...

you may begin.

Begin? But...

I haven't even been to class.

- GREG: Done. - Already?

- Done. - Done.

- Done. - Done.

(BELL DINGS)

And pencils down.

Pencils... down.

- (BELL RINGS) - No, Heather...

- No! - COLLEEN: Matt!

The babies are coming!

Colleen, where are you?

Matt!

- You missed it! - (BABY COOING)

Don't worry. They have your panicked eyes.

- Here, Daddy. - (SOFT COOING)

(GASPS LOUDLY, PANTS)

(SIGHS)

- Oh, thank God. - (GASPS)

- Oh. Oh. Oh. - Oh.

Oh.

I just had the worst nightmare.

Me, too.

- About having a baby? - No.

I was a couch,

and Tim was digging around for loose change.

(BOTH SIGH)

Wait.

You don't want to have a baby?

- Hmm? - Oh.

- No, no, no, no. - (MUTTERS) Oh.

- No. (LAUGHS) - Oh.

? Informer, ya no say daddy me Snow me ?

? I go blame, I licky boom boom down. ?

(ECHOING): Down.

_

Oh, guys, guys, guys, you are gonna love this.

Wait till you see what I got.

Is it something other than what's in your hand?

Listen, I know it's been a lot having our whole family here

since our house fire, so this chore wheel

is gonna help us... pay our Hughes.

- That's a fun joke. - Right?

Every time you make it, I think, "Oh, fun."

Sophia, let's spin it and see who gets

to help Mom-Mom with dinner tonight.

(WHEEL CLICKING)

Oh, Mom, wait, wait, wait.

Me. I'll get that. I got it. I got it, got it,

- got it. I got it. - Thank you.

Yeah, sure. It's...

Whoa. There's a lot of empty wine bottles in here.

Didn't we just empty this a couple days ago?

Oh, yeah. Well, it's a good point.

Now I can go to the liquor store.

Anyway, turns out it was a duck.

- Oh. - Hey, hey, hey.

I'm pretty sure that mom has a drinking problem.

Okay? Now that I've been living here, I'm watching her.

(WHISPERING): She's drinking a lot of wine.

What do you think is going on?

I don't know, Greg.

I mean, maybe she realizes

that she wasted the best years of her life

raising three kids that don't appreciate it. Hmm?

(HICCUPS) Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's got a drinking problem.

- And here's baby Greg taking a bath. - Mm-hmm.

All that tushy hair fell off at three months.

- Yeah. Some of it came back. - Mm.

Hey, uh, Mom, you need a refill on your wine?

No, thanks, dear. I'm fine.

Oh, Mom, wait, wait, wait. Let me help you with that.

- Mm. - Oh, this is gonna be so fun.

- No, I-I learned a really cool... - No, honey, I-I really

- think that this should be a one-per... - No.

I just learned a really cool way

to get the pit right on out of the avocado.

- Wait. Uh... - Watch. Look.

- (SQUEALING) - Oh, wow.

How great...?

- How great is that? - That's a wonderful life hack.

- I mean, this is... - Oh, thank you for that.

'Cause you know...

this is the most important ingredient.

It's a secret. No one tells you,

but it what... it's what gives the guacamole the-the thing.

No, no, no, can't drink

the secret ingredient. Mom!

Okay, so Mom may be drinking,

but she definitely doesn't have a drinking problem.

- No. Mom has a Heather problem. - Yeah.

Matt, you are moving up in the world.

- Welcome to the top two kids. - Yeah.

I hope you enjoy inside jokes about Matt.

I mean, Heather.

Jokes about Heather.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

- Hey, Mom. - Hi, honey.

- Um, we were talking... - Mm.

And-and we've noticed that, uh,

well, you seem a little bit overwhelmed

by having Heather here.

Oh, no, no. It-It's joyous.

It's like when a comet blazes into the atmosphere,

and primitive people everywhere think the world is ending,

and yet it may never come again in your lifetime,

and so you should treasure it.

You do know that it is okay

to say when Heather is bothering you?

- She's not! Mm. - Uh...

Heather means well.

And that's why she deletes entire seasons

of Shark Week

on the DVR.

To free up space.

Where's JAG, damn it?

They don't make it anymore,

and once you delete it, they're gone forever.

Yeah, okay. Mom, the first step

in dealing with your Heather problem

is admitting that you have a Heather problem.

(VOICE BREAKING): You're right.

I've hit rock bottom.

(SIGHS)

But don't tell Heather.

She'll be crushed.

Speaking of "crushed,"

why don't we whip up a batch of daiquiris before she gets back?

Come on, kids.

Yeah, I don't think Mom would admit this, but I think

maybe all the drinking is just from her being overwhelmed.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Greg, well, duh.

I mean, yeah, of course, she's overwhelmed

with all of us here.

Oh. No, I don't think you understand.

Her problem is actually with...

Uh, uh, uh, it's okay.

Heather gets it.

Oh. I got it. Yeah. Oh.

You are the best, sweetest brothers.

Part of being in the top two is letting number three fail.

Right on.

Wait. Does that mean that you guys...?

Mm-hmm. For a long time.

What-What's going on?

We thought that you could use some peace and quiet.

TIM: Yeah, so we're all going to Disneyland.

I'm gonna fake sunstroke

and then hang out in the recovery tent all day.

(LAUGHS) Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

HEATHER: And while they're gone,

you and I are gonna do a little at-home spa day.

- JOAN (SLURRING WORDS): It's like a comet. - HEATHER: Mm-hmm.

It only comes once in a lifetime,

and you must treasure it.

You are... you are really feeling this.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh! Oh.

It's a man I'm excited for you to meet!

Oh, Mom, no!

I am not divorcing Tim!

You have to stop asking.

(LAUGHING)

Heather, this is "Hecor."

He's a contractor.

He's gonna start work on your house!

You-You hired him?

He's being paid a premium to go extra fast,

and that way, you can move back to your own home.

Oh, my gosh, I can't wait to get started.

Let me get my look book.

Here. You're gonna need this.

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