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1
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_
2
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GREG: Parenting is easy.
3
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(CRYING): Oh, God, no!
4
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(BOTH CRYING)
5
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,220
JOHN: Hey, there's our favorite
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00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:16,189
almost eight or
nine-year-old granddaughter.
7
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- We got married.
- What?
8
00:00:18,327 --> 00:00:20,585
Clementine knows my
entire romantic history.
9
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You have no romantic history.
10
00:00:21,997 --> 00:00:22,999
Then, she knows that.
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00:00:23,077 --> 00:00:25,242
I can't believe this is our house.
12
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Babe, that fridge saw me
naked more times than you did.
13
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I know she did.
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I now pronounce you man and wife.
15
00:00:32,675 --> 00:00:34,374
- Come on, bring it in, buddy.
- Oh.
16
00:00:34,376 --> 00:00:37,110
Don't tell me the universe
doesn't want us together.
17
00:00:39,048 --> 00:00:40,314
(RAILING SNAPS)
18
00:00:40,316 --> 00:00:41,348
(COLLEEN CRIES OUT)
19
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(SPLASH IN POOL)
20
00:00:44,267 --> 00:00:45,172
Colleen?
21
00:00:45,376 --> 00:00:47,376
_
22
00:00:47,723 --> 00:00:50,223
(COLLEEN CRIES OUT)
23
00:00:51,606 --> 00:00:53,205
This is our wedding night.
24
00:00:53,395 --> 00:00:55,729
And now our lives are ruined.
25
00:00:55,731 --> 00:00:57,497
Because of your motel balcony,
26
00:00:57,499 --> 00:00:59,340
we haven't even been able
to consummate our marriage.
27
00:00:59,365 --> 00:01:01,268
Mm-mm. I mean, we do some stuff.
28
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,577
- Yeah, but not the stuff.
- Mm-mm.
29
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,572
Although the stuff we have
been doing has been really nice.
30
00:01:05,574 --> 00:01:06,907
- I really appreciate the effort
you've put in. - (CLEARS THROAT)
31
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It's been really great.
32
00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:09,736
Excuse me, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
33
00:01:09,846 --> 00:01:12,464
That's just the universal
sign for "Stop talking."
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This may not be the
amount you were hoping for,
35
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:17,792
but this is the best
the motel can offer.
36
00:01:17,950 --> 00:01:19,583
(SIGHS)
37
00:01:22,065 --> 00:01:25,433
$2 million?
38
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$2 million.
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COLLEEN: $2 million.
40
00:01:31,307 --> 00:01:32,573
BOTH: Oh, my God.
41
00:01:32,575 --> 00:01:33,347
Hey...
42
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:34,550
- $2 million?
- (LAUGHS)
43
00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:36,386
That's not our official response.
44
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:38,321
We're gonna mull it over
and we'll get back to you.
45
00:01:38,323 --> 00:01:39,389
- No, no, we're not.
- No, no, no!
46
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,830
- MATT: No!
- COLLEEN: No, no, we want it.
47
00:01:40,855 --> 00:01:41,624
(MATT LAUGHS)
48
00:01:41,626 --> 00:01:43,433
Give it to me, give it
to me, give it to me.
49
00:01:44,277 --> 00:01:45,713
MATT: Well, I guess by now
50
00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:48,574
you've all heard about
our-our settlement.
51
00:01:48,599 --> 00:01:50,166
So, it's pretty obvious that,
52
00:01:50,191 --> 00:01:52,468
well, things couldn't be going
any better for Colleen and me.
53
00:01:52,470 --> 00:01:54,871
Uh, Matt, could you turn me around?
54
00:01:54,873 --> 00:01:57,240
Oh, yeah, sorry.
55
00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,908
COLLEEN: Hi, guys. (CHUCKLES)
56
00:01:59,284 --> 00:02:01,408
Been a long road to get here.
57
00:02:01,433 --> 00:02:04,514
But, uh, through it all, you,
58
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:05,990
my family,
59
00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:08,125
you, uh, even in my darkest hour,
60
00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:11,896
you always believed in me
because you knew that one day
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00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:13,264
I would make it.
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00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:14,832
"Make it"?
63
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,702
Your wife fell off a balcony.
64
00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:20,237
Exactly. My wife.
65
00:02:20,239 --> 00:02:22,337
You don't think that my wife
could fall off a balcony?
66
00:02:22,362 --> 00:02:23,619
Just admit it, Greg.
67
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,172
You've always thought that
you were better than me.
68
00:02:25,197 --> 00:02:26,310
I never thought that.
69
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,158
I did.
70
00:02:27,183 --> 00:02:30,081
But now I think that Matt's the best.
71
00:02:30,682 --> 00:02:32,166
- Wow.
- So weird.
72
00:02:32,191 --> 00:02:34,752
MATT: Uh, now, e-even
though I am the millionaire,
73
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,687
Colleen and I have decided
that we're not gonna
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00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,823
- let this money change us.
- No.
75
00:02:39,229 --> 00:02:40,758
MATT: Are you ready?
76
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,493
It's a cash grab.
77
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,765
Oh! Cash grab!
78
00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,874
Oh! Oh, this is it.
79
00:02:46,899 --> 00:02:48,232
MATT: This is everything
that you've ever lent me
80
00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:51,769
over the years, swirling around
in a giant vortex of money.
81
00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:54,005
It looks like only ones.
82
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,374
I mean, this is really showy, Jen.
83
00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:58,491
Besides, like, I don't have money?
84
00:02:58,516 --> 00:03:00,277
Look, I got plenty of money.
85
00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:01,462
You see all this?
86
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:04,816
I got all of this money
right... no, that's mine!
87
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,351
Mine!
88
00:03:06,485 --> 00:03:09,085
That's... (GRUNTS)
89
00:03:09,110 --> 00:03:11,256
There isn't a booth big
enough for all the money
90
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:12,824
that you've lent me.
91
00:03:14,341 --> 00:03:15,673
Thank you, Dad.
92
00:03:15,698 --> 00:03:19,300
Here's what I think
of you paying me back.
93
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:22,978
It was a gamble,
94
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:25,570
you pushing Colleen off that balcony,
95
00:03:26,343 --> 00:03:28,973
but it paid off.
96
00:03:29,429 --> 00:03:31,176
You're a bigger man than I'll ever be.
97
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,911
JOAN: I want to get out!
98
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,345
Let me out, please!
99
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:35,313
Oh, oh, no!
100
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:38,550
No, no, it's swallowing me!
101
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,151
Oh, no!
102
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,520
Well, I hope you all had fun today.
103
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:44,022
But Matt and I feel
like what's the point
104
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,223
of having all this money
105
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,991
if there's nowhere to spend it.
106
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:51,763
So, we are taking you all to Las Vegas!
107
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,164
Pack your bags!
108
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,768
Vegas, bitches! Yeah!
109
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:59,304
? Then what the
hell you do it for? ?
110
00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,542
Babe, everyone is so proud of you.
111
00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:06,077
You're a winner now.
112
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,378
We both are.
113
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:08,713
I'll feel more like it
114
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:10,515
when you don't have to
lift me off the toilet.
115
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:11,732
Hey, guys.
116
00:04:11,757 --> 00:04:14,385
Just want you to really
hold onto this happiness
117
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:17,789
for as long as you can, which,
in this case, is not very long.
118
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:21,226
You see, the motel just
filed for bankruptcy.
119
00:04:21,726 --> 00:04:23,502
What does that mean?
120
00:04:23,527 --> 00:04:26,030
Well, it means that you get nothing.
121
00:04:27,269 --> 00:04:30,514
Not-Nothing? They can do that?
122
00:04:30,539 --> 00:04:32,773
Yeah, sadly, they can.
123
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,240
I'm so sorry.
124
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:38,943
But this is fun.
125
00:04:39,381 --> 00:04:42,087
? What the hell you do it for? ?
126
00:04:42,641 --> 00:04:46,150
So, the good news is,
um, we're going to Vegas.
127
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:48,052
The, uh, bad news is that
128
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:52,023
we won't be able to cover
the rooms, the shows,
129
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:54,025
or the food.
130
00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,761
And also, it's Barstow, not Vegas.
131
00:04:57,109 --> 00:04:59,569
But the bus is totally on us
132
00:05:00,046 --> 00:05:01,499
as long as you give us the cash back.
133
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,167
And also, don't open any more champagne.
134
00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:04,235
(CORK POPS)
135
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,601
Oh.
136
00:05:09,306 --> 00:05:11,720
I brought this from home.
137
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:13,931
_
138
00:05:14,852 --> 00:05:16,656
LARK: Paci! Paci! Paci!
139
00:05:16,681 --> 00:05:18,249
Where are you? Where
are you? Where are you?
140
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,318
- LARK: Paci! Paci!
- JEN: Just a second, Lark!
141
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,620
Come on, come on, come on.
142
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:24,122
Where is it? Where is it?
143
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,124
Please, please, please.
144
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,292
Where is it?
145
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:28,726
- Hey! I'm in here.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
146
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,061
Sorry, sorry, quit
messing around, honey.
147
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,696
- Come on, help me.
- LARK: Paci!
148
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:32,964
Paci! I need it.
149
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,499
Somebody hand me it.
150
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,900
Yeah, okay, okay,
okay, here, here, here.
151
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,201
Please, please, just
suck on one of these.
152
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:39,103
- Any, please.
- JEN: Unless one of those
153
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,606
is the stinky-ass yellow one
with the chewed up handle,
154
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:42,941
you're just wasting our time.
155
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,108
Uh, yeah, well, look.
156
00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:45,176
Oh, see this.
157
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,444
I'm chewing on the handle.
158
00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:48,413
Right here, okay. Now, here. Try it.
159
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,526
Okay, I've run out of ideas.
160
00:05:53,551 --> 00:05:55,587
I know. The car.
161
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,155
- I'm checking the car.
- GREG: Yeah, great.
162
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,723
Check between the...
oh, whoa, no, no, no, no.
163
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:00,959
Wait a minute. You are
not getting away again.
164
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,427
Oh, please, honey. Just ten minutes.
165
00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:04,462
- One beer, I'll be right home.
- No.
166
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:06,097
No one is leaving here
167
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,932
until we find this paci.
168
00:06:08,405 --> 00:06:10,335
Paci, I need it, Mommy.
169
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,670
I know, sweetie. I feel your pain.
170
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,339
I felt the same way
when they pulled fen-phen
171
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,274
from the drugstore shelves.
172
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,042
- Found it!
- JEN: What?
173
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,310
Where was it?
174
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:21,346
It was in the pantry...
175
00:06:22,263 --> 00:06:24,148
along with something
else I thought I lost.
176
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:26,558
- My ukulele.
- Oh.
177
00:06:26,583 --> 00:06:27,986
- You found that, too?
- Yeah.
178
00:06:28,175 --> 00:06:31,242
And you're still doing the
authentic pronunciation.
179
00:06:31,607 --> 00:06:33,224
Night, night.
180
00:06:38,573 --> 00:06:40,331
Oh, God.
181
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,766
Honey, we have got to break her
182
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:43,134
of this habit now
183
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:44,902
or she's gonna wind
up on a street corner
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00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,005
selling her body for pacifiers.
185
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,203
And honestly, I don't think
she's got the ass for it.
186
00:06:49,228 --> 00:06:50,163
Ah, you're right.
187
00:06:50,188 --> 00:06:51,894
It's just we have to do
this delicately, you know?
188
00:06:51,919 --> 00:06:53,778
Yeah. This is totally one
of those things that could,
189
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,747
like, scar a kid for life.
190
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,682
I know. Why don't we tell her
191
00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,886
that she has to send her
paci to the Paci Fairy?
192
00:07:00,472 --> 00:07:02,587
That like the sweatpants
fairy your mom made up
193
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,922
so you'd stop wearing
sweatpants to school every day?
194
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,958
- Yeah.
- That's so weird.
195
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,192
It's not weird if it works.
196
00:07:08,655 --> 00:07:10,055
Hmm...
197
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,148
Oh, come on.
198
00:07:11,173 --> 00:07:12,867
What, these are my
lounge-abouts, right?
199
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:13,756
Chefs wear these.
200
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,047
- Mm-hmm.
- O-Oh.
201
00:07:15,072 --> 00:07:16,768
We could tell her that
the Paci Fairy is a guy,
202
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,103
so that you don't have an
issue with it being sexist.
203
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,905
No, my issue is not with his gender.
204
00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:23,341
Although, why couldn't a fairy be a guy?
205
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,561
My issue is that
206
00:07:24,586 --> 00:07:26,236
parents shouldn't lie to their kids.
207
00:07:26,261 --> 00:07:28,161
Remember what happened
with the Sinclairs?
208
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,673
They told that kid he could fly.
209
00:07:30,698 --> 00:07:32,573
Oh, my gosh, I never sent flowers.
210
00:07:32,598 --> 00:07:34,018
Don't worry, I took care of it.
211
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,049
- Thank you.
- And I'm gonna take care of this, too.
212
00:07:36,074 --> 00:07:37,940
By not lying to our child.
213
00:07:37,965 --> 00:07:40,024
I mean, the last thing
we need is her standing
214
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,593
at her bat mitzvah with
a paci in her mouth.
215
00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:44,762
- You know, or her confirmation.
- One thing at a time.
216
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:45,930
- Okay.
- You know?
217
00:07:46,376 --> 00:07:48,166
JEN: Oh, come on, Lark.
218
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,368
Come on, can we please
just talk about this?
219
00:07:51,956 --> 00:07:52,898
Lark,
220
00:07:52,923 --> 00:07:53,838
listen to me.
221
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,440
Do you really want to grow up to be like
222
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:58,057
that lispy chick from my office?
223
00:07:58,082 --> 00:08:00,521
You've met her. She had a pacifier.
224
00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:04,115
And now she lives alone with a turtle.
225
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,739
GREG: Jen, trying to scare our kid
226
00:08:05,764 --> 00:08:07,380
by telling her she's
gonna go live with a turtle
227
00:08:07,405 --> 00:08:08,920
is like trying to scare
a Jewish mother by saying
228
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,122
her kid's gonna grow up to be a doctor.
229
00:08:11,263 --> 00:08:13,129
Stop. You think Lark could be a doctor?
230
00:08:13,154 --> 00:08:15,154
- (GROANS)
- (SIGHS)
231
00:08:15,435 --> 00:08:18,262
All right. Honey? Um...
232
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:21,733
Listen, have you, have
you ever heard of the, um,
233
00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,046
the Paci Fairy?
234
00:08:24,241 --> 00:08:26,170
LARK: Paci Fairy, who's that?
235
00:08:27,101 --> 00:08:31,146
Well. Your daddy is gonna
tell you all about him.
236
00:08:31,171 --> 00:08:32,185
Yeah... oh.
237
00:08:32,210 --> 00:08:33,077
- Yeah.
- Okay.
238
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:35,418
GREG: Yeah. We're gonna send
239
00:08:35,443 --> 00:08:39,016
your paci away on a
balloon to the Paci Fairy,
240
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,729
and because you are such a big girl,
241
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:45,156
he is gonna get you a present.
242
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:46,758
A present?
243
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,431
- Yeah.
- That's right. Yeah.
244
00:08:48,456 --> 00:08:51,257
But if you keep your paci,
245
00:08:51,282 --> 00:08:55,500
then the Paci Monster sneaks
into your room at night
246
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:57,034
when you're sleeping,
247
00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,294
and he just eats you up in one big bite.
248
00:09:00,319 --> 00:09:01,405
(WHISPERS): Jen, what
the hell are you doing?
249
00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:03,174
Come on, "Paci Monster"? Come on.
250
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,743
I don't know, I felt like we
needed a bad guy or something.
251
00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:09,280
Okay. Paci Fairy, no monster.
252
00:09:09,719 --> 00:09:10,693
(CLICKS TONGUE)
253
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,284
Okay, so...
254
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,586
Here we go. All right?
255
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:17,588
Now, everybody is here,
256
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:19,791
so we're gonna send these off,
257
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,026
and let it float away to the Paci Fairy,
258
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,962
and then he is gonna
bring you a big present.
259
00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:27,024
The Paci Fairy's a dude?
260
00:09:27,049 --> 00:09:28,582
Joanie, get your hat, we're leaving.
261
00:09:28,607 --> 00:09:29,731
Stop.
262
00:09:29,756 --> 00:09:31,871
This is so something you
only do for the first kid.
263
00:09:31,896 --> 00:09:32,970
Oh, totally.
264
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:36,140
Come on, Tyler's pacifier
got a blastoff to Paci Planet,
265
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,975
while Samantha's got tossed
into the garbage disposal
266
00:09:37,977 --> 00:09:40,798
while I screamed at her, "Look
at what you made Mommy do!"
267
00:09:40,823 --> 00:09:41,994
Do you remember that, sweetie?
268
00:09:42,019 --> 00:09:42,947
Yeah, I remember feeling
269
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:45,917
like it was my fault
but not knowing why.
270
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,756
I don't even remember what
we did with Sophia's pacifier.
271
00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:51,381
I probably lost it or something.
272
00:09:53,626 --> 00:09:55,660
Okay, ready? We're gonna count it off.
273
00:09:56,264 --> 00:09:57,463
- Five...
- Five...
274
00:09:57,488 --> 00:09:58,229
ALL: Four...
275
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,597
three...
276
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,898
two...
277
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:01,799
Wait, wait.
278
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,000
What?
279
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,304
All done.
280
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,550
- Oh, my God.
- Okay. Ready?
281
00:10:09,055 --> 00:10:11,142
One, two, three.
282
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,578
- Bye-bye, paci!
- (CHEERING)
283
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,346
- HEATHER: Good job, Lark.
- LARK: See you, sucker.
284
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,104
- Come here, I'm so proud of you.
- Come here, sweetie. Oh.
285
00:10:17,129 --> 00:10:19,295
You're such a big girl.
286
00:10:19,543 --> 00:10:20,718
And now,
287
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,510
no big scary Paci Monster's
288
00:10:22,535 --> 00:10:24,989
gonna come and eat my Lark's face off.
289
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,158
Oops. Look, right there.
290
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,159
Oh, the power lines.
291
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,393
- JEN: Oh, God.
- GREG: No.
292
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:30,728
No, no, no, no,
293
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,196
no, no, no... No, no, no...
294
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,031
- (ELECTRICITY SPARKING)
- Oh!
295
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:40,471
(WHISPERING): No Paci
Monster, no Paci Monster.
296
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,740
No Paci Monster.
297
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,942
Mommy!
298
00:10:45,327 --> 00:10:47,313
Ugh, what have we done?
299
00:10:47,338 --> 00:10:48,679
'Cause I'm gonna go
out on a limb and say
300
00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:50,448
it's the wrong thing.
301
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:54,185
We need a bigger crib.
302
00:10:54,718 --> 00:10:56,256
Yeah.
303
00:11:02,614 --> 00:11:04,598
_
304
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,389
- ? Whoo ?
- ? Here we go, come on ?
305
00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:08,791
- ? Whoo ? - ? Think you see
us coming from a mile away ?
306
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,626
? They want to see us, want
to be us, nah, we don't play ?
307
00:11:10,651 --> 00:11:11,181
? Hey ?
308
00:11:11,206 --> 00:11:12,628
? Yeah, getting
fancy, as you can see ?
309
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,331
? We got to go, making you move,
now come on, get on your feet ?
310
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,099
? Say one, two, what's the move ?
311
00:11:17,101 --> 00:11:19,569
- ? Five, six, do it like this ?
- (SIREN WAILS)
312
00:11:19,571 --> 00:11:21,470
- ? Yeah, get up ?
- POLICE OFFICER: Ma'am, please pull over.
313
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,172
- ? Whoo ?
- ? Right now... ?
314
00:11:23,174 --> 00:11:25,308
Ma'am. Please pull the mower over.
315
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,877
- Ma'am?
- Don't call me ma'am.
316
00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,111
- ? Whoo ?
- ? Right now ?
317
00:11:29,113 --> 00:11:30,980
- ? Get up ?
- ? Whoo ?
318
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,281
? Right now, get up. ?
319
00:11:32,283 --> 00:11:34,217
Whoo-hoo!
320
00:11:34,219 --> 00:11:36,385
HEATHER: Sophia,
are you kidding me?
321
00:11:36,387 --> 00:11:37,541
It wasn't me.
322
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:39,589
I just took you off the lawn mower.
323
00:11:39,591 --> 00:11:41,846
Sweetheart, why would
you do such a thing?
324
00:11:41,871 --> 00:11:44,182
I don't know. I'm bored over here.
325
00:11:44,207 --> 00:11:45,877
But, dear, we have a tennis ball.
326
00:11:45,902 --> 00:11:47,939
Sophia, our house just burned down.
327
00:11:47,964 --> 00:11:49,463
We have a ton of boxes to unpack.
328
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,500
Why do we even need so many boxes?
329
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:53,902
Because we might be
living here for a year.
330
00:11:53,904 --> 00:11:56,712
Okay, so it's not a great time
for you to jack a lawn mower
331
00:11:56,737 --> 00:11:58,032
and take it for a joyride.
332
00:11:58,057 --> 00:12:00,442
I-I'll watch her, Heather,
you go unpack your boxes.
333
00:12:00,444 --> 00:12:02,087
You know, sometimes, these kids
334
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:03,245
need to be disciplined
335
00:12:03,247 --> 00:12:04,813
the old-fashioned way.
336
00:12:04,838 --> 00:12:05,614
HEATHER: Oh.
337
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:07,930
Here, go put this in my closet.
338
00:12:07,955 --> 00:12:09,217
I don't want to get it dirty.
339
00:12:09,764 --> 00:12:12,387
'Cause we're gonna be
doing some hard labor.
340
00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:16,653
N-No. Put that down.
341
00:12:16,678 --> 00:12:18,968
We're not here to play.
We're here to work.
342
00:12:19,070 --> 00:12:20,536
(GROANS)
343
00:12:20,749 --> 00:12:21,450
All right.
344
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:22,684
Now, get up there.
345
00:12:22,871 --> 00:12:24,971
I'm not supposed to go
in the attic, you know.
346
00:12:24,996 --> 00:12:26,049
Well, why don't you channel
347
00:12:26,074 --> 00:12:27,932
some of that sass into figuring out
348
00:12:27,957 --> 00:12:30,598
what critter is
scratching around up there?
349
00:12:31,285 --> 00:12:32,846
Is this even safe?
350
00:12:32,871 --> 00:12:34,908
No, but that's what the rope is for.
351
00:12:34,933 --> 00:12:36,409
Fine. I'm going.
352
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:38,824
But I better get some
candy when I'm done.
353
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,125
Even coal miners
354
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:42,784
get to have a beer
at the end of the day.
355
00:12:43,987 --> 00:12:45,387
Sophia?
356
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,189
I baked some cookies.
357
00:12:47,191 --> 00:12:49,324
Come on down, I'll give them to you.
358
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:55,063
What the...? (GRUNTS)
359
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,899
Mr. Pickle?
360
00:12:58,474 --> 00:12:59,935
I've been had.
361
00:12:59,937 --> 00:13:03,238
Sophia? Sophia?
362
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,806
(GRUNTS)
363
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:06,725
Tim, have you seen Sophia?
364
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:08,450
I thought you were watching her.
365
00:13:08,475 --> 00:13:10,241
I thought you were unpacking.
366
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,324
I fell in the pool.
367
00:13:12,994 --> 00:13:14,406
In your swimming trunks?
368
00:13:14,696 --> 00:13:16,551
I was quite lucky.
369
00:13:17,461 --> 00:13:18,902
Oh, hey, Dad.
370
00:13:18,927 --> 00:13:20,960
- Hey.
- I fell in the pool.
371
00:13:20,985 --> 00:13:22,867
Uh, where's Sophia?
372
00:13:23,453 --> 00:13:26,366
Oh, we were playing
hide-and-seek, uh...
373
00:13:26,391 --> 00:13:27,407
Uh, Sophia?
374
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,531
Pop-Pop gives up.
375
00:13:28,533 --> 00:13:29,933
Come on out, right now.
376
00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,501
She's not gonna learn what hard work is
377
00:13:31,503 --> 00:13:33,903
if you let her just quit
in the middle of a game.
378
00:13:33,905 --> 00:13:36,406
Sophia, honey, you stay hidden, okay?
379
00:13:36,408 --> 00:13:38,641
You make Pop-Pop look for you.
380
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:41,444
Sophia? Sophia!
381
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,612
Okay, Tank.
382
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:44,280
This is Sophia's scent.
383
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,250
Now, go find her, girl.
384
00:13:46,437 --> 00:13:47,851
Is she outside?
385
00:13:47,853 --> 00:13:49,652
Is that it?
386
00:13:50,489 --> 00:13:51,421
(BARKING)
387
00:13:51,423 --> 00:13:53,022
(GASPS) My sweater.
388
00:13:53,024 --> 00:13:54,691
I've been looking for that. (LAUGHS)
389
00:13:54,693 --> 00:13:56,693
Well, then who's Tank chasing?
390
00:13:57,278 --> 00:13:58,495
A Subaru?
391
00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:00,663
What? Tank!
392
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,199
Excuse me.
393
00:14:03,201 --> 00:14:04,868
Sorry to bother you, ma'am.
394
00:14:04,870 --> 00:14:06,569
Have you seen a little girl?
395
00:14:06,571 --> 00:14:09,506
Uh, she was in my attic,
but, uh, she got away.
396
00:14:09,508 --> 00:14:12,776
She must've squiggled out of
the rope I had tied around her.
397
00:14:12,778 --> 00:14:16,412
Come on, Gracie, let me
show you the other sidewalk.
398
00:14:18,216 --> 00:14:20,383
Did you lose Sophia, dear?
399
00:14:20,385 --> 00:14:22,285
No.
400
00:14:22,287 --> 00:14:26,222
Well, all right, yeah,
she... she duped me.
401
00:14:26,224 --> 00:14:29,225
Her-Her and that pickle
were working together.
402
00:14:29,227 --> 00:14:32,200
You know, sometimes kids
can be a lot like dogs.
403
00:14:32,225 --> 00:14:35,532
When they feel lost,
they usually go home.
404
00:14:35,878 --> 00:14:39,123
Wait, a-are we still
talking about Sophia?
405
00:14:39,161 --> 00:14:40,937
'Cause I lost Tank, too.
406
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,607
We're talking about our granddaughter.
407
00:14:44,609 --> 00:14:46,409
If you want to find her,
408
00:14:46,411 --> 00:14:48,611
think about what she just lost.
409
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,207
Well, there you are.
410
00:14:56,232 --> 00:14:59,389
That wasn't a very nice
trick you played on Pop-Pop.
411
00:14:59,391 --> 00:15:03,589
In some families, my
creativity would be celebrated.
412
00:15:03,614 --> 00:15:04,996
Well, why are you doing it?
413
00:15:05,021 --> 00:15:08,031
I mean, you're usually so well-behaved.
414
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:09,128
Don't tell anybody,
415
00:15:09,153 --> 00:15:12,502
but you're kind of my favorite grandkid.
416
00:15:12,504 --> 00:15:13,937
I know.
417
00:15:13,939 --> 00:15:15,872
You wrote it on my birthday cake.
418
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:16,940
So, what is it?
419
00:15:16,942 --> 00:15:18,107
You can talk to me.
420
00:15:18,708 --> 00:15:20,475
This is my home.
421
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:23,183
I don't know how to live anywhere else.
422
00:15:23,208 --> 00:15:25,014
Oh, honey.
423
00:15:25,016 --> 00:15:26,950
This is just a house.
424
00:15:26,952 --> 00:15:28,818
A home is where your family is.
425
00:15:29,521 --> 00:15:32,789
And you're always gonna
have a home with me.
426
00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:35,798
Thanks, Pop-Pop.
427
00:15:35,823 --> 00:15:38,661
I already feel safer.
428
00:15:38,663 --> 00:15:40,713
Oh, my God!
429
00:15:42,151 --> 00:15:43,149
We'd better go.
430
00:15:43,174 --> 00:15:45,156
Yeah, let's get out of here. (COUGHS)
431
00:15:45,908 --> 00:15:47,721
_
432
00:15:48,473 --> 00:15:49,517
TIM: So, what do you think
433
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,767
Tyler's announcement is?
434
00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:52,361
Either Clementine's pregnant
435
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,512
or they want us to listen to a new song.
436
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,303
God, I hope she's pregnant.
437
00:15:56,305 --> 00:15:58,005
Hi, everyone.
438
00:15:58,007 --> 00:15:59,106
Thank you for coming.
439
00:15:59,396 --> 00:16:01,560
So, after much consideration
440
00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:04,912
and a Twitter poll,
Clementine and I have decided
441
00:16:04,914 --> 00:16:07,314
that our marriage has come
to its natural conclusion.
442
00:16:07,577 --> 00:16:09,617
What? No.
443
00:16:09,619 --> 00:16:11,107
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
444
00:16:11,132 --> 00:16:13,821
All marriages come to
a natural conclusion.
445
00:16:13,823 --> 00:16:15,556
Y-You stick it out.
446
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,558
- It's okay, Mom. It's for the best.
- (GROANS)
447
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,667
Can't you convince her to take you back?
448
00:16:19,692 --> 00:16:21,992
No, it was my idea.
449
00:16:22,017 --> 00:16:24,259
If Tyler gets to quit his marriage,
450
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,566
can I quit tee-ball?
451
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,468
I've been doing that twice as long.
452
00:16:28,194 --> 00:16:30,327
I'm really sorry, honey.
453
00:16:30,647 --> 00:16:31,561
So strange.
454
00:16:31,586 --> 00:16:34,263
You always think you'll
divorce before your children.
455
00:16:34,977 --> 00:16:36,243
(SOFTLY): Yeah.
456
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,579
Oh, poor Tyler and Clementine.
457
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,014
Oh.
458
00:16:40,016 --> 00:16:43,017
I-I didn't get to say good-bye to her.
459
00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:45,186
I don't think I ever said hello to her.
460
00:16:45,188 --> 00:16:48,147
I don't think we ever
even had a conversation.
461
00:16:48,764 --> 00:16:49,948
Oh, well.
462
00:16:49,973 --> 00:16:51,600
Hey, family.
463
00:16:52,764 --> 00:16:53,828
- Here.
- Thank you.
464
00:16:53,830 --> 00:16:54,795
Love you.
465
00:16:54,797 --> 00:16:56,467
- I love you.
- (GIGGLES)
466
00:16:56,991 --> 00:16:58,299
You're a liar, Heather,
467
00:16:58,324 --> 00:17:00,682
the same damn liar you've always been.
468
00:17:00,707 --> 00:17:02,803
(STAMMERS) Hi.
469
00:17:02,805 --> 00:17:04,416
Hi. Wh-Wh-What's going on?
470
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:07,041
You told us that you
were getting a divorce.
471
00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:09,902
Well, I mean, legally,
we have filed for divorce,
472
00:17:09,927 --> 00:17:11,979
but that doesn't mean
we can't still share
473
00:17:11,981 --> 00:17:14,114
a house or our music or our cat.
474
00:17:14,403 --> 00:17:16,070
Yeah, we just got a cat.
475
00:17:16,095 --> 00:17:18,054
Probably wasn't the best timing, though.
476
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,186
Look, the point is,
477
00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:21,255
Tyler and I are still
gonna be best friends
478
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,290
who just love and support each other
479
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,926
as we explore new relationships.
480
00:17:25,928 --> 00:17:28,562
- We're calling it romantic unsyncing.
- Romantic unsyncing.
481
00:17:28,564 --> 00:17:30,531
Is it okay if in the Christmas letter,
482
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:32,700
if I just call it divorced?
483
00:17:33,271 --> 00:17:34,329
No, Joan.
484
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:37,037
Oh, okay.
485
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,473
I've enjoyed our little chat.
486
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,574
CLEMENTINE: You know,
when you first said
487
00:17:40,576 --> 00:17:41,927
that we should unsync,
488
00:17:41,952 --> 00:17:42,990
I wasn't so sure,
489
00:17:43,015 --> 00:17:45,201
but it was a great idea.
490
00:17:45,226 --> 00:17:47,693
We don't need labels to
define our relationship.
491
00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:50,367
Which reminds me, I should
define what we are online.
492
00:17:50,392 --> 00:17:51,368
Me, too.
493
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,087
Okay.
494
00:17:53,475 --> 00:17:54,435
Single.
495
00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:56,123
Me, too. Single.
496
00:17:56,656 --> 00:17:58,423
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
497
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:07,935
Oh. Mine must be broken.
498
00:18:10,581 --> 00:18:11,877
Can we talk?
499
00:18:11,902 --> 00:18:12,713
TIM: Hey, guys.
500
00:18:12,738 --> 00:18:15,572
- Listen, we were just thi...
- Oh!
501
00:18:15,597 --> 00:18:17,177
- Honey.
- What, did this house get smaller?!
502
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:20,214
- Uh, we had to make room for the cat.
- (HISSES)
503
00:18:20,216 --> 00:18:21,215
- Gah!
- Ow!
504
00:18:21,217 --> 00:18:23,651
- Oh, God.
- Oh, geez, honey, sorry.
505
00:18:23,653 --> 00:18:25,386
You're standing in his litter box.
506
00:18:25,388 --> 00:18:26,369
Oh, sorry.
507
00:18:26,394 --> 00:18:27,888
Will you just cut it out, Tim?
508
00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:29,423
I'm...
509
00:18:29,713 --> 00:18:30,758
HEATHER: Okay.
510
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,161
Before you guys make this permanent
511
00:18:34,163 --> 00:18:35,763
life-altering decision,
512
00:18:35,765 --> 00:18:37,298
could we talk about
513
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:39,522
what it is that went
wrong in your marriage?
514
00:18:40,374 --> 00:18:42,002
We just don't really have
anything to talk about
515
00:18:42,004 --> 00:18:45,336
- unless we watch a TV show together.
- Yeah.
516
00:18:45,361 --> 00:18:47,221
Yeah, and then we'd only have sex, like,
517
00:18:47,246 --> 00:18:49,330
five times a week.
518
00:18:49,355 --> 00:18:50,311
Huh.
519
00:18:50,313 --> 00:18:51,879
Only in the bed.
520
00:18:51,904 --> 00:18:53,775
HEATHER: What you're talking about,
521
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,732
that's marriage.
522
00:18:54,757 --> 00:18:57,151
- Yeah. It's-it's a really
good one, actually. - Yes.
523
00:18:57,153 --> 00:18:59,053
See, I knew you guys
wouldn't understand.
524
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,154
Relationships have evolved
525
00:19:00,156 --> 00:19:02,690
way beyond your generation's limited,
526
00:19:02,692 --> 00:19:04,191
conventional view of love.
527
00:19:04,193 --> 00:19:06,193
- Is he too old to spank?
- Honey...
528
00:19:06,195 --> 00:19:07,428
Oh, you know, I have to go get ready
529
00:19:07,430 --> 00:19:08,896
or I'm gonna be late for my date.
530
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:09,930
(HEATHER STAMMERS)
531
00:19:09,932 --> 00:19:11,265
You have a date already?
532
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:13,165
Yeah, that's why we're doing this.
533
00:19:13,190 --> 00:19:15,329
Hey, do you want me to drop you off?
534
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:16,270
Sure.
535
00:19:16,272 --> 00:19:17,432
Thanks.
536
00:19:18,456 --> 00:19:19,340
TYLER: See?
537
00:19:19,342 --> 00:19:22,166
Modern relationships
don't have to be binary.
538
00:19:22,191 --> 00:19:23,544
Let that wash over you.
539
00:19:23,546 --> 00:19:25,212
All right, he's getting spanked.
540
00:19:25,214 --> 00:19:26,674
I don't care how old he is. Come here.
541
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:27,525
- No.
- HEATHER: Hit him. Hit him.
542
00:19:27,550 --> 00:19:30,307
Get... don't you run away from
me. You're only making it worse!
543
00:19:39,013 --> 00:19:40,491
Are you sure we should be doing this?
544
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:41,687
It's gonna be great.
545
00:19:41,689 --> 00:19:43,060
Do you want me to walk you in?
546
00:19:43,085 --> 00:19:45,190
No. That might be a little weird.
547
00:19:45,192 --> 00:19:47,125
Yeah, he might be the jealous type.
548
00:19:47,127 --> 00:19:49,294
And I am having a good hair day.
549
00:19:51,530 --> 00:19:54,499
So, do we kiss or hug or...?
550
00:19:54,824 --> 00:19:57,227
What if we just took a deep
breath at the same time?
551
00:19:57,784 --> 00:19:59,557
? I'm so gone ?
552
00:19:59,582 --> 00:20:00,916
(BOTH TAKE DEEP BREATHS)
553
00:20:00,941 --> 00:20:03,775
? Anyone could see
that I'm wasted... ?
554
00:20:03,777 --> 00:20:06,311
- Okay.
- Okay.
555
00:20:06,313 --> 00:20:08,013
Knock 'em dead. (LAUGHS)
556
00:20:08,015 --> 00:20:13,051
? And I just want to
know what's in your head ?
557
00:20:17,196 --> 00:20:19,107
? Let me in... ?
558
00:20:19,132 --> 00:20:20,892
You know what? I think, maybe,
559
00:20:21,530 --> 00:20:24,696
maybe our idea of marriage is antiquated
560
00:20:24,698 --> 00:20:26,898
and relationships really are changing.
561
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:28,367
Yeah, I got to say, I know it...
562
00:20:28,369 --> 00:20:30,102
it didn't look like it
when I was spanking him,
563
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,237
but I am so proud of
the man Tyler's becoming.
564
00:20:32,239 --> 00:20:33,972
Oh, yeah.
565
00:20:33,974 --> 00:20:36,618
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
566
00:20:37,095 --> 00:20:38,218
Hey, what's up?
567
00:20:38,243 --> 00:20:40,195
? If all my defenses come down... ?
568
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:43,582
(CRYING): She's so
much prettier than me.
569
00:20:44,162 --> 00:20:45,740
HEATHER: This is just
like when he was a baby,
570
00:20:45,765 --> 00:20:48,504
when we first brought him
home from the hospital.
571
00:20:48,529 --> 00:20:49,888
(CRYING) Oh.
572
00:20:50,303 --> 00:20:55,303
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573
00:20:55,353 --> 00:20:59,903
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