All language subtitles for Life in Pieces s02e22 Poison Teats Universe.eng

_

GREG: Excuse me. Excuse me, hi.

Yeah, do you have any
information about the old man

that was taken off the plane?

I... I'm not sure of his last name.

You mean the man you sent
into anaphylactic shock

so the plane had to make
an emergency landing,

causing me to miss my
ex-boyfriend's wedding?

I was gonna make a scene.

Wow, well, I genuinely do want
to circle back to that story,

but we might miss a wedding ourselves

if we don't get back on that flight.

Greg, I'm sure the man is fine.

Actually, they took
him to St. San Diego.

That's all I know.

Okay, honey, we are
going to the hospital.

'Cause I-I got to make this right.

- Greg.
- Making it right!

Seems my husband is riddled

with both Jewish and Catholic guilt,

even though his family is neither.

Man, this sucks.

I could be in Cabo making love

to some bomb-ass carnitas right now.

Well, look, I'm gonna be quick okay?

I'm just gonna give
him these chocolates,

then I'm gonna do a very respectful,

traditional Japanese bow

that I saw in a kung fu film, okay?

Okay, cool. Hey, Lark.

Remember what I told
you about old people.

Don't touch 'em.

- (flatlining)
- Oh, my God, he's dead.

This is on us.

Us? Nuh-uh, bro.

Max.

MAX: Huh?

Got to keep this on.

MAX: Oh, I hate that thing.

Oh, thank God. Oh, you're alive.

(laughs)

Wow, okay, hi.

I'm Greg from the plane.

I brought these to you,
uh, to say I'm sorry.

Uh, don't worry, none
of them have coconut.

I took a bite out of every one.

Oh, hey, Art.

This is the guy who gave me the coconut.

Oh, Max was just telling me about you.

Oh. All good things I hope.

(chuckles) Well, anyways,

I just wanted to apologize again

for almost killing
you. Unless, of course,

the doctors, you know,
found something worse

when they brought you here, like cancer,

in which case you'd
be thanking me, but...

MAX: Thanking you?

It took them four tries
to insert a catheter.

It was like slamming
my finger in a door.

This is going about as
well as I thought it would.

So you admit responsibility for
giving him the coconut cookie?

Yeah, bro. I mean, come
on, that's why I'm here.

Keep up with the convo, huh?

Uh, actually, Greg, let's
step outside for a second.

Okay, well, I'm just
waiting for, you know,

a "no biggie, you're forgiven" from Max

- and his lover here...
- Lawyer.

- Huh?
- Damn it.

And I should inform
you that we're suing you

for the pain and suffering
that you've caused my client.

And thank you for the confession,

which I just recorded.

Actually, hate to break it to you,

but according to
California Penal Code 632,

you can't record him without
him agreeing to it first.

That's just the way it works
in a two-party consent state,

so you have nothing.

You just got schooled by
my lover and my lawyer.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, well, uh, let me do my bow first.

- Oh, geez, oh, I'm sorry.
- Ugh! Ow!

I'm sorry.

- Come on.
- Okay, so my job is done here.

Uh, I apologized, you forgave me,

so we'll just go.

No, I'm suing you!

Oh, come on, man,

I already said I did it!

Oh, my God, Greg.

Okay, let's go.

Greg.

I know, okay? It's just...

I felt so guilty,

and I-I just wanted to make it right.

I know, and I love that
about you, honey, I do.

But you have to be careful, okay?

Mommy likes having money in the bank.

Mostly because she put it there.

I should've just

let what I wrote in
the card do the talking.

You didn't put anything
incriminating in that card,

did you?

Yeah, okay.

It's bad, isn't it?

Good thing we're flying to Mexico.

In this case, I think
it's pronounced "fleeing."

Eh.

HEATHER: I can't
believe this, Tim.

What did Professor Wilde say?

He can't just drive off

with people's luggage.

Uh, he said he was coming back,

then he thought he hung up and he said,

(English accent): "I
can't believe those idiots

think I'm coming back."

How are we gonna get to Uncle
Matt and Colleen's wedding?

We're gonna just walk home, repack

and then we'll try and fly standby.

Oh. hey!

(horn honking)

Yeah, he did it!

See? The day's not a total loss.

(indistinct radio transmission)

FIRE MARSHAL: The fire
destroyed the kitchen.

We'll find out the cause
once it's safe to reenter.

Why didn't the fire sprinklers go off?

Unfortunately, someone
turned off the water main.

The important thing is we're all safe.

HEATHER: Okay, you know
what? I'm gonna text Matt...

- Yes.
- Let him know that we're not

gonna actually make it to his wedding.

I'll book us a hotel room right
next to the airport, we'll take

- the first flight out in the morning.
- You will do no such thing.

Just stay here with us.

Our tiny home is your
tiny home. Right, Clem?

Sure, yeah.

Okay, you know what? I-I
don't care where we stay.

I just want everybody to be together

so that I know that the
people I love are safe.

- Totally agree. Yep.
- Okay?

I'll just meet you guys back there.

I need a minute to mourn my
favorite room in the house.

That fridge saw me
naked more than you did.

Oh, I know she did.

- Okay. Ooh.
- Sorry, sir.

- (laughter)
- Thank you.

(grunts)

- Can we take your coats?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, yeah, thank you.
- Oh, yeah.

Sorry, kiddo. Just get that there.

- Oh, ooh.
- Oh, sorry, oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry. Okay...

- If you could just pull that off.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.

(sighs)

Ooh!

Where are we gonna put them?

I don't know.

HEATHER: You know, everything we need,

we have here in this...
I'm gonna say kitchen?

Oh, no, no, no, um, I'm in the kitchen.

- You're in the living room.
- Oh.

I'm in hell.

Okay, hey, you know, we got each other.

And that's all that matters.

- Ow!
- Oh!

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

There it is.

Wait, what was it again?

What are you doing there, bud?

Oh, I'm just noodling. It relaxes me.

Yeah, why don't you go
noodle somewhere else?

- Hmm?
- Fine.

I'll just go to the breakfast nook.

All right.

Ah!

Honey, listen, I just... ooh, God...

Listen, honey.

I want you to remember that
our house almost burned down.

- I know.
- Okay?

I just need some space.

I know. I know you do.

- I know.
- (grunts)

(sighs)

(Tyler continues playing guitar poorly)

(groaning and murmuring)

I'm not...

- Okay.
- SAMANTHA: Get off me.

SOPHIA: You're hogging the bed.

SAMANTHA: You're tiny.

- (sighs)
- Can we switch?

Your dad's not wearing bottoms.

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

(sighs)

(grunts): Okay.

Okay. (groans)

- Okay.
- Ah!

- Wh-Whoa, wh-whoa, oh, yeah.
- Sorry.

- Okay, that's...
- Hey. Ah.

- Watch your...
- Switch spots.

You know I'm an
aggressive outside spoon.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Come on.
- Okay, handsy.

- Over here.
- Sorry.

- Oh.
- There you go. Here we go.

- Oh, hi.
- (Tim grunts)

- Okay.
- (grunts)

Let me get my arm. Sorry.

- Ow.
- Can we switch?

You know how I wake up.

(gasps) Yeah. Yep.

Would you guys just shut up?!

We're trying to fall asleep down here!

Hey, don't tell me to
shut up in my own home.

HEATHER: Hey. Your home...

- that's in our yard!
- (groans)

Fine, then we will
move it to the driveway.

SOPHIA: I'd move it to the ocean.

That's the one place
that Dad can't burn down.

Not fair! This is not my fault!

Chocolate in the washing machine,

fine, that's me.

Family of squirrels living in
our cedar closet, I'm guilty.

Chocolate in the dryer,

yes, me again! But not this!

You guys are so embarrassing!
No one likes you.

- You're embarrassing!
- Tim!

What? She won't remember
this, she's on her period.

That's not how periods work!

Yeah, you'd know.

(knocking on door)

There's a stranger at
the door with an ax.

Come in!

Sorry, guys. Don't mean to interrupt.

I came to let you know
the cause of the fire.

The dryer overheated because there was

a chocolate wrapper jammed in it.

- Oh, dude.
- What?

BOTH: Dad!

Well, that could have been anyone.

The important thing
is we're all together.

(groans)

You know what, guys?

I really am kind of loving this.

(chuckles)

This is a real show dog. Watch
her prance; she's a natural.

Prancy prance, prance, prance.
We got a ribbon-winner here!

_

(barks)

Help! My dog ate my son's wedding ring.

Sir, if you'll just
sign in and take a seat,

someone will be right with you.

Sign in? But-but she could die.

Oh, are these suckers for everybody?

JOAN: Honey,

don't panic. I'll get us in there.

We have to get to Mexico.

Who knows how many more
weddings Matt will have?

I must say, that is
quite a magnificent bitch.

Oh, well, she's annoying me
right now, but yeah, she's okay.

- (laughing): I meant your dog, silly.
- Oh...

- Oh...
- She's serving some face and body.

I posted a picture of
her looking out of a boot

on the Internet.

- I got four likes...
- Oh!

And an invitation to a party

from this Russian gal. Mm-hmm.

Turned out to be a dude, though.

(laughs)

With that lush fur...

- Mm-hmm.
- Powerful haunches

and perfectly aligned teats,

she has "Best in Show"
written all over her.

You think she has good teats?

Oh, she got the greatest teats.

And I should know.

I've been showing
dogs for over 30 years.

Whoa.

I've had bitches win

from Southampton to Sarsaparilla.

Isn't that a drink?

They are backed up. They're
separating Siamese cats.

Please, Joanie, let
the magical little man

- with the dog bone vest talk, huh?
- Oh...

Poof. (laughs)

That was an awful story.

No man should like collecting
dog sperm that much.

Or at all!

That little man

has introduced me and
Tank to a whole new world.

I mean,

this is a real show dog.

Oh!

DOCTOR: Hi.

Oh, hey, Doc.

(sighs) I'm sorry to say...

she didn't make it.

She's right here.

Oh! Your dog swallowed the ring.

- JOHN: Yeah.
- Oh... (chuckles)

Remind me when I'm done
here to call the little girl

who brought the bunny. (chuckles)

We need to get the ring.

We're on our way to our son's wedding.

Oh, I was on my way
to real medical school

until my parents ran out of money.

So... (laughs) we all have our stories.

Hmm. Anyway, uh,

we just need to make a
little incision in her belly.

Well, couldn't you make it real small?

Uh, she's a show dog.

Apparently, she's got
some very special teats.

Hmm. Hard for me to
judge without seeing her

in a cheerleading outfit.

- (chuckles)
- But I do know

she won't be winning any
awards if she has a scar.

Doc, are there any other options?

Well, you could wait and see
if she passes it on her own.

- We'll wait.
- But

I should warn you,
if the ring moves into

- the dog's colon...
- Mm-hmm?

The surgery gets more complicated.

Do you mind if we step outside

and just discuss this?

Uh, I don't mind at all.

I actually have to find
a chameleon that I lost.

Oh.

(tires screech)

John, I can't talk to
you when we're driving

around the parking lot
at 50 miles an hour.

We don't need to talk, Joanie.

We need to get this ring
out of Tank without surgery.

You know driving in circles always

makes her throw up.

I don't understand your obsession now

with dog shows.

It's like when you became a Hare Krishna

and then changed your mind
halfway through the haircut.

JOHN: Oh, come on, Joanie.

Ever since I retired, I've been...

kind of just, like, feeling weird.

I mean, you got your book,
you-you've got your patients,

children you love.

What have I got? A
wooden puppet and PTSD.

No, you've got me!

And-and we'll find something,
uh, fun that we can do together.

They don't give out ribbons for
spending time with your wife.

Oh, but they should
give you one for being

the world's biggest pain in the ass!

Hold the wheel, Joanie.

- What's...?
- I-I forgot

I'm the one that gets sick
on these curvy car rides.

- (window rolls down)
- All right, honey.

(groaning)

Sorry, buddy. You're
still gonna be my champ.

I just need to
administer the anesthesia,

and then we can get her into surgery.

What do you think, uh, Tank weighs?

Like, two turtles?

- I don't know.
- Mm.

JOAN: No!

Stop! Y-You can't do this.

- (inhales sharply)
- JOHN: Hmm?

You saw the Yelp reviews?

No, I can't take away
my husband's dream.

- Oh...
- No, honey,

I want you to have something
that you're passionate about.

Oh...

Hey, look.

- (John clears throat)
- Your dog did my job for me.

She pooped it out!

Do I smell good news?

- Mm-hmm.
- She's gonna be pooping blue ribbons.

No! You never give up!
What are you talking about?

You-You've gotten Russian
people to like you.

This is not something that can be fixed

by asking how vodka is made.

_

I can't believe we missed
our own rehearsal dinner.

It's gonna be fine.

We'll get a flight first
thing in the morning,

and tonight we'll get a
free night at this hotel,

compliments of the airline.

We can't even get into our
room for another three hours

because it was flooded with sewage.

Yes, but we have these
free-drink vouchers.

But they're not valid unless
we purchase a third entree.

Yes, but we're together.

And you're in love. I mean,
I think you're in love.

I can only hear every
sixth word you're saying.

"Every night only, Buddy Daiquiri."

Yeah, it's a stage name.
I thought it sounded more

like a lounge musician.

My real name's Joey Midnight.

COLLEEN: Oh, yeah.

Hey, here's one you might like.

(playing "Hold On to the Nights")

(whistling)

See? (chuckles) This place is romantic.

Yeah.

Hey, where'd you get the hot hooker?

- I've been bottom-feeding.
- Hey, baby,

you're just lucky you found
someone who takes bitcoin.

COLLEEN: Uh-huh.

Well, they had one stale oat muffin left

for both of us to share. (clears throat)

- Okay, thank you.
- Any luck with the airlines?

No. It's overbooked.

And apparently my
family is already causing

major drama at the resort.

- Mom and Dad got back together.
- Oh.

- In front of everyone.
- (chuckles)

They said that the Lazy River
did half the work for them.

Oh, good.

Well, the cherry on
top of our crap sundae

is that Tank ate your wedding ring.

Oh, how cute.

Now she'll sparkle from the inside.

Oh, it gets worse. Not a
single member of my family

actually even managed
to make it to Mexico.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

I don't know how you do it. (laughs)

I just don't know how you do it.

I mean, it's like this
impenetrable wall of sunshine.

Uh-huh.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just gonna

- hang up my wedding dress.
- Okay.

Colleen, honey, wait.
No, that's not the closet.

- (screaming)
- (splash in pool)

- What's happening?
- We're not getting married, Matt.

- What?
- Look at the signs.

They are all around us.

The universe doesn't
want us to get married.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no. Come on, no, no, no.

You can't go dark. You can't go dark.

That's my thing.

No, you're the one who goes "Hi-ee!"

I got nothin'.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna stay here and
drink this free champagne.

It's bubble bath.

(piano playing)

- Pastry?
- Uh-uh.

Shouldn't you and your
fianc?e be headed to Mexico?

Yeah.

Apparently the universe
doesn't want us in Mexico.

The universe wants us here.

Well, it doesn't mean the universe

doesn't want you getting married.

You gonna finish that bagel?

- (headboard banging on wall)
- (woman moaning)

MAN (laughing): Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

(laughs)

_

(elevator bell dings)

("Right Here Waiting" playing)

(gasps)

(chuckles)

Did you do all this?

- Yeah.
-
Right here waiting...

Nothing is gonna stop me from
marrying the love of my life.

Oh.

Now, why don't you go put on your dress?

I had the staff fish it out of the pool.

No way. I'm not taking the chance

of letting anything derail us.

Okay.

Now I get to say something

I didn't get to say
at your first wedding.

- What?
- She's the one.

You did say that.

Well, this time I mean it.

May I have this honor?

You may.

Hi.

Hi-ee.

Uh, Dad, do you have Matt's ring?

Matt.

Oh, isn't this romantic?

Keep that away from Tank.

I'm not fishing it
out of her poop again.

(whining)

GREG: Beautiful.

Now, Jen, you have the ring?

Forever's a long time.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Colleen, just put the
ring on Matt's finger.

- Babe?
- Yeah?

I ordered nachos.

Do you think they know where I am?

We're now ready to begin the vows.

All right.

So, Matthew, I choose you to start.

Oh, no, you don't
actually choose the order

that it's supposed to go in.

I'm in charge, so just begin, please.

Colleen, I never thought

that we'd end up here,
in an airport hotel,

getting married in
front of a luggage rack,

a prostitute, and only
some of our family,

but right now this is the most
beautiful place in the world

because you're here.

Is that it?

I will punch you in the face.

Well, I'm sorry, I
didn't want to interrupt.

I wasn't... it was...
a genuine question.

I wasn't sure if you were
finished or... or not.

You want to know what?
Colleen, why don't you...

- Okay, I'll go.
- Say your vows, yeah.

Matt, this is not the
wedding I expected,

but I never expected to
fall so deeply in love.

Or to find someone who makes

every setback feel like an adventure.

This has been

an insane and bumpy road,

but I would take it again and again,

knowing it ends here, standing with you.

I'm done.

It's... okay.

Well, now, with the power vested in me,

I can now choose to marry you or not,

because I'm the only person in this room

that has the power
to make that decision,

and I take it very seriously,

the fact that I'm in control

- of your lives right now.
- Greg.

Yeah, sorry.

I now pronounce you

man and wife.

- Come on, bring it in, buddy.
- Oh...

I am so sorry that I tanked this,

but I'm just incredibly nervous.

Okay, hey, man, can we
talk about this later?

I'd like to kiss my wife now.

- Yes, of course, yeah, sorry.
- Get out of here.

(giggles)

(cheers and applause)

("Right Here Waiting" playing)

(laughing)

- I'm your wife.
- Yeah, you are!

Whoo-hoo!

- I love you so much.
- I love you.

Don't tell me the universe
doesn't want us together.

- (railing snaps)
- (Colleen cries out)

(splash in pool)

Colleen?

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