Original subtitles

_

LARK: Mommy. Mommy.

I'm coming, Lark.

Mommy?

Good morning, Lark.

What seems to be the problem?

Oh, don't worry. Daddy's here.

No Mommy?

No, it's Dada. I know it's confusing.

We wear the same pajamas.

No Daddy. Mommy.

Well, but Dada loves you.

Okay?

Mommy.

Hey. Dada.

Dada.

Hey, look me in the eyes.

Dada loves you.

Mommy.

I mean, I can't believe she rejected me like that.

I mean,

I'm her dad, not a Linkedln request.

No Daddy. Mommy.

No Lark.

Huh? See?

- Doesn't feel so good, does it? - Greg.

- Honestly. - What? She started it.

Wh... I got no beef

with her. I'm just giving her a taste

of her own medicine, that's all.

She's a baby.

She doesn't even know what medicine is.

I'm pretty sure she thinks we die when we leave the room.

Yeah, well, she hurt my feelings.

And look at her.

She doesn't even look like she's sorry.

Shh.

Don't shush me.

Honey, look,

it's just a phase.

Really. I mean, this week she wants me,

next week she'll want you.

You really think so?

Of course. Although we can't really know

unless we get divorced and she has to choose

who she wants to live with.

Yeah.

Mommy.

Look what Daddy brought.

Lark's favorite.

Strawberries.

No. Mommy.

What do you want her for?

She's not that great.

Hey, there you are.

Will you tell your daughter you're not that great?

Are you wearing my perfume?

It was next to my cologne,

and I accidentally grabbed it and spilled some on myself.

Uh-huh. Did my necklace spill on you, too?

I thought those were my dog tags.

Oh, my God. Greg, you can't make Lark like you more

by making her think you're me.

She loves you.

Also, um, I'm gonna need you to get me a new perfume.

You've ruined that one for me.

Okay.

Bye, Lark.

- Daddy loves you. - No.

You know what would've happened if you'd have pulled that crap

on me when you were a baby? Hmm?

- What? - Hmm?

Ow.

Well, you asked.

Here's some advice.

Chicks like you more if you ignore them, huh?

Lark's no different.

If you want to win her back, just make her jealous.

Dad, I'm not dating my daughter.

I'm not gonna play mind games.

Except for peekaboo.

Trust me.

She'll come crawling back to you.

Literally.

Lark's walking now, Dad.

She is?

Look at this. I'm pushing you.

We are having such a good time.

Lark, are you looking at this? Huh?

This could be you, but you playin'.

Yeah.

Look at that.

- You have to stop pushing my kid. - What?

I thought I was going to be okay with this, but it's just weird.

No, it's not weird.

I mean, I'm just trying to make my daughter jealous.

(chuckles): Okay.

Thanks anyways.

Wow, Lark.

Gosh, that must be difficult.

(chuckles) I am really sorry

that you had to see me and my new bestie have so much fun.

Yeah. I mean, if you want, I could give you a push.

I mean, it doesn't matter to me. Either way.

No.

It's the only word she knows.

Potato.

"No" and "potato."

Mother is Russian.

(clears throat)

Okay, Lark.

Time for a little lesson in supply and demand.

You want this candy.

And I want your love and affection.

So...

let's make a deal.

Huh? Okay?

No.

Lark's not responding to just straight-out bribery?

No. No.

What if this lasts forever?

- (sighs) - I mean, some phases don't end.

I mean, look at Harrison Ford and that stupid earring.

Everything runs its course.

Remember there was a time when you thought

everything was both "dope" and "bomb diggity"?

No doubt.

Up, Daddy. Up.

Did you hear that?

Up, Daddy.

- Whoa, look at that. - Me?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Come here. - (chuckles)

Come here. Oh, you're back.

We're back, baby.

We're back. I knew you'd come around.

I knew it was only

a matter of time.

You want to know what?

I want to take her to the Sears Portrait gallery

before she starts hating me again,

- so will you just take her? - Okay. Yeah.

- I'm gonna go get our matching overalls. - Come here, baby.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Be right back.

All right.

Thanks, Larky.

That was amazing acting.

The thing is that most daddies are just very sensitive,

you know, because they haven't gone through nine months

of a living hellscape to give birth to you.

Anyway, we're back.

(chuckles)

No Mommy. Daddy.

What?

- Daddy. - Oh, no.

M-Mama loves you.

(crying): Oh, no.

Oh, God, no.

(both crying)

(sobbing): I know.

_

Oh, I'm so excited to try this place.

I hear they have a bunch of healthy options.

Oh, just what I love.

Healthy options.

Okay, what is up with the lighting in here?

I mean, yeah, it makes you look like a young Henry Kissinger,

but it's terrible for reading the menu.

Sure it's the lighting?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you're making the British face.

Hmm.

- What? - Hmm.

People only look like this

when they either need glasses or they're British.

(chuckles): Glasses?

Oh, come on, babe, nothing goes wrong on this body, okay?

- I had two of our babies standing up. - Oh.

Well, since you can see,

then, uh, I was thinking about getting this.

You think that's healthy enough?

You see it? Right where my finger is?

- Ye... Uh-huh, yeah. - You can see that.

No, no, I see. I can see it.

- Oh. Well, then that's what I'll get. - Yummy.

No one's wife has ever let them order this before.

(chuckles)

Well, no one has a wife like mine.

I'm so happy that you're happy.

Wait till you see what I ordered for dessert.

Mom! That's not milk.

That's egg whites.

Yeah. Yeah, I knew that.

It's got extra protein.

You don't want to stay this height forever, huh?

Yeah? You, too, right?

All organic. Okay.

That's okay.

I'll just drink this wine cooler you gave me

instead of juice.

Hey, you got peach? Can we trade?

What's wrong with Mom?

She's in denial about losing her eyesight.

But don't take advantage of it,

'cause that's what I'm doing, and we can't all do it.

Better go make sure

she's not brushing her teeth

with my butt cream again.

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Hey, Mom, I just texted you a question.

Yeah.

Okay. Um...

- Wow. Well, that's a, um... - That's a yes?

- Yes, yes. Come on, that's a yes. - Cool.

Somebody needs to go get his ears checked. Go. Go.

Hey, Mom,

could you please sign this for me?

You know what? I-I'm gonna need you

to read that to me 'cause I'm a little bit drunk.

Heather, did you sign a form saying

Samantha could be an exchange student in Barcelona?

What? No!

Yes, you did! She's gonna be there all summer,

and we're gonna be marooned here with some kid named Alvero,

who's gonna wonder why our house smells so awful,

because you also said Tyler could empty his septic tank

into our backyard.

What? (scoffs)

Look, it is time you get some glasses.

Oh, honey, no. Please stop. Can we talk about this later?

I-I-I took some aspirin for my headache,

and my stomach is feeling very squirrely.

Well, good news is you won't have worms anymore,

but the bad news is you might experience excessive panting.

- What?! - You took Lucky's heartworm medicine.

Okay, why do we still have this?

Lucky's been dead for five years.

The real question here is, why won't you get glasses?!

You can't see!

Hey. Hey, you look hot,

like Miss Chalone, my middle school librarian.

No, I look old and gross like my middle school librarian

who used to keep pencils in her unibrow.

- (sighs) - I know these milestones can be a bummer.

- Oh, they suck. - But no matter how old you get,

we are getting there together.

And I am always going to think of you as that girl

who convinced me that you can't get pregnant

the first time you have sex.

(laughs) I did, yeah.

Now why don't you yell at me for spilling

fruit juice in my library book? Oh.

Well, I am gonna go get something for us to spill.

And a ruler to spank you with.

I am so glad my mom went to sleep

instead of trying to hang out with us.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, my God, Jenna!

Look. The same! We're twinsies!

That's so cool, Mrs. Hughes. Glasses buddies!

Yeah. On fleek.

Oh, (imitates explosion)

I'm gonna go drink my drink.

- (footsteps running) - Awesome!

Oh, my God, I can't believe I was wearing old lady glasses.

Anyway, it is such a, such a pleasure to meet you.

- I'm a big art of your fan. Uh, big fart. - (laughs)

He's saying he's a big fan.

- I got that. - Yeah.

_

MATT: Don't worry. We're not gonna be late.

Your father said his boat docks

at six bells, which is either in 20 minutes,

or, well, you know, yesterday.

So we actually may be late.

Well, then walk faster!

I just don't want him to have any reason to say no

when you ask for his blessing to marry me.

Just I'm his favorite, and I only get to see him

a couple times a year, and I just want this to go perfectly.

I promise that it will.

Is that the voice you're gonna use?

You mean my voice?

Sorry. It must be the acoustics out here.

Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'm nervous, too, okay?

He's an amazing artist.

His mural at the Sonoma airport blew my mind.

A triangle sitting on top of a sphere?

I mean, that broke all the rules.

Well, that's kind of his thing.

That and having a bunch of kids with a bunch of women.

And dodging his taxes living at sea.

Got a lot of things.

Well, that's another one of his things.

- Oh. - Oh, Daddy!

Ah! There's my favorite!

(laughs)

Well, I'm the only one that still talks to you.

Ah, well, that's why you're my favorite. (laughs)

You must be Matt.

- Hey. - (both laughing)

Why am I laughing? I don't know why I'm laughing.

Nobody even said anything funny. Anyway, cool boat.

Oh, well, thanks.

This is, uh, my wife, Sangria.

- Ah! Ah. - MATT: Oh, hey! Hey.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - MATT: Nice to meet you, too.

- This is a gift for you guys. - This is the book that Colleen

and I created together. I did the illustrations.

This brings me great happiness that Colleen is with an artist.

- Oh. - Oh.

Her Daddy issues finally paid off.

Mm. Um, anyway, it's really nice to meet you.

I'm a huge fan of your art.

Well, come. Let me show you my latest piece.

Really? Can I...? Okay. Sorry.

So, are you happy?

Oh, yeah. Your dad is so random.

I'm obsessed.

Yeah, you said that in your Christmas letter.

So...

what do you think?

This is my latest piece.

I think when it's finished, it's gonna be great.

It's already done. The Bellagio has these

in all of their handicapped stalls.

Well, this seems about as good a time as any

to, um... to ask you a very important question.

30 bucks without the frame.

Mm, no. Um, sir,

I'm here because I'm in love with your daughter,

and I would like to ask for your blessing to get married.

I really like you, Matt.

You know, when I look in your eyes,

I see the soul of an artist.

Which is why this is the easiest thing

in the world for me to say. (laughing) No.

Is that Spanish for "yes"?

- No, that's Spanish for "no." - Is it my voice?

(in deep voice): Because I can talk like this.

No, no, it's not your voice.

No, it's your potential as an artist.

Colleen says you're an incredible talent,

but all that would go to waste

if you shackle yourself to one woman.

An artist needs to be as free as his brush strokes.

Right. But you're married to Paella.

Sangria. Maybe you have a point.

Maybe that's why my career's in the toilet.

Well, no, it's not in the toilet, but

it's in a place where you can definitely see it

when you're sitting on the toilet.

What-what... what's happening? Mr. Ortega?

Thank you. You've opened my eyes.

Oh, um... um...

Where are you going? Mr. Ortega? Uh... Oh.

No. No, no, what are you doing?

- I didn't mean for you to... - No, you did.

It took another artist with the voice of a donkey

to make me see what a sell-out I've become. Sangria?

- It's over. - Over? What movie were you watching?

Our marriage is over!

Oh, I haven't seen that one.

What?

(crying)

How dare you? Get out of my way.

(Miguel grunts, Sangria mumbles)

Oh. Take that.

- (Sangria crying) - I'm already inspired.

What just happened?

Well, it's complicated, Colleen.

See, artists like your father and I

- are deep and passionate people. - Uh-huh.

- Did you get the blessing or not? - Um...

It's a simple question. Yes or no?

It's not as simple as you would think.

- Why aren't you using words? - It requires a little...

Matt, I've changed my mind. You have my blessing.

Oh, thank God. I was getting nervous.

Oh. (chuckles) Uh, what?

I looked at your work and I realized

that the greatest accomplishment you will ever have in your life

- is marrying my daughter. - Aw!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

(chuckles) This is not an accurate representation

of my artistic vision. No, I-I have a whole portfolio...

- Oh, that's okay, I get the gist. - No, I don't think that you do.

Matt, what are you doing? He gave us his blessing.

Yeah, I don't want his blessing.

You should be happily married.

No, I'll never love again.

But you will be so happy.

Much like your

crudely drawn chicken with teeth.

(chuckles)

- Good luck with this guy. - Okay.

Yay!

Aren't we blessed?

Sorry I ruined your photo of Laurel and Hardy.

Those were my parents.

No way. Lucky.

_

Aunt Joan, what if I never find love again?

I can't be alone forever.

I just bought a ping-pong table.

Now, I promised my sister I'd look after you.

John and I are here for you.

Oh, to make things very clear,

uh, I am not the one related to you.

I can't believe Kelly did this to me.

I mean, I stood by her, you know, during the car accident,

the dog attack, both sex changes. (sighs)

The minute she lost ten pounds, she dumped me.

(scoffs) I lose ten pounds when I go to the bathroom.

I got to go to the bathroom.

(sobs)

- How long is he gonna stay with us? - (exhales)

If there's a suicide in this house,

it hurts our resale.

I have the perfect girl for him,

Candace at the coffee shop.

She's sweet and she's kind and she's pretty.

How are her standards?

Low!

Huh.

I just know

that Mikey and Candace will be a perfect match.

All I have to do is change his appearance completely

and ply them with alcohol.

I hear wedding bells!

So what are we doing today with this big teddy bear?

Just spiff him up so we can meet at the coffee shop

for coffee and coffee cake

that we can chew with our mouths closed.

- I wish I was coffee cake. - (chuckles softly)

You look like you could pick me up without grunting.

(chuckles) One of the discs in my back's leaking fluid.

Honey, I'm leaking things from everywhere.

Oh. (chuckles) Well, I'm glad I'm wearing a smock.

(laughing)

(indistinct chatter)

Wow, so he can really cook a whole pig?

Yes. Yes, and-and he can do other things, too.

I can't think of them at the moment,

but, uh, he...

- can cook a whole pig. - (chuckles)

I'm gonna go check and make sure that my eyebrows still match.

Oh, it's okay. He-he would probably like that they don't.

Uh, Aunt Joan.

Uh, I'm a new man.

- My new man. - (both chuckle)

Uh, Gittel's gonna join us for coffee if that's all right.

No.

I'd like to order one... pound.

(chuckles)

No.

Oh! Mm, I actually have to run.

My nephew's bar mitzvah is tonight.

Unless you want to join me.

The theme is "Joshua Rocks,"

and there's a guitar cake.

That's my favorite kind of cake.

Aunt Joan, do you mind if I go rage

at the bar mitzvah?

Fine.

Yeah?

- Fine. - Come on.

Go.

Is he here? I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Didn't I tell you?

He-he couldn't come.

(man speaking indistinctly over TV)

(both moaning)

(Mikey chuckles)

Maybe I should stay over tonight.

Does this pull out?

Uh, it does if I time it right.

- (giggles) - (chuckles, moans)

We should go.

- I think us watching is part of it. - Yeah.

- Oh. - (moaning)

(chuckling)

Who knew the most annoying person in my life

would fall for the most annoying person in my family?

They're doing things down there, Joanie.

Now I see why your sister wrapped her couch in plastic.

Please.

You having fun?

No, we're not having anything.

I can't sleep with her, because I can't show her

my downstairs nose.

What, you got a stub?

All right, let's see it.

No. No, no, I...

(groans) I told her I was Jewish.

JOHN: Why?

Because that's a deal breaker for her.

But the second she sees that I'm not circumcised,

the only thing broken is gonna be my heart!

And that.

I'm sorry.

You have that backed up on the cloud, right?

Mikey, you can't be in a relationship built on a lie.

You know what, you're right.

- I got to go back and talk to her. - Yeah.

I mean, what we have is stronger than any skin covering my penis.

Why don't you go say that wonderful line to her?

(Mikey shouts)

She dumped me!

Damn it!

(sobs, huffs)

(yawning): I know a barista who will take your penis as is.

No, forget it.

I'm staying in this bed for the rest of my life.

Oh, sorry I ruined your photo of Laurel and Hardy.

Those were my parents.

Which one was your mom, the skinny one or the fat one?

The one with the mustache.

Hey. What do you think?

Haven't you always worn glasses?

Oh, Greg, come on.

No wonder Lark prefers Jen to you.

JOAN: Thank you so much

for coming, Candace.

- Here, sit here, dear. - Oh, thank you.

And thank you for bringing all these stirrers.

Oh, sure. I am so excited to finally meet

this nephew of yours.

I've always wanted to date a nephew.

JOAN: Huh.

MIKEY: Aunt Joan!

- Hey, Aunt Joan. - No.

Dude, you were so right. Gittel thought about it,

and she took me back.

After a talk with Rabbi David, I realized

I should take what I can get while I still have some eggs.

MIKEY: And I realized that

if we're gonna make this work, I have to show you

that I'm just as committed to your faith as I am to you.

So, uh, guys, put down the quiche, pull up a chair,

because this guy is gonna circumcise me.

Oh, my God!

I thought I was here to bless the food.

Nope, you're giving me a downstairs nose job.

Oh, I love these.

I'll get my bag.

Should I go?

No, dear, you stay.

I'll go.

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