All language subtitles for Life in Pieces s02e14 Facebook Fish Planner Backstage.eng

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_

And with the press of this button,

- you are now on Facebook.
- (chuckles)

I don't feel any different.

You will, because now you'll be able

to see pictures of Lark
the day that we take 'em.

Yeah, instead of telling us
to print them out every week,

which is fun.

Well, we tried loading
'em on the digital,

uh, picture frame there,

but it's still showing
the kid it came with.

GREG: So that explains why your friends

are always confused when they meet Lark.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay, so,

first, all you need to
do is enter your hometown.

No, no, no, no. That's how they find you

and then that's how
they steal your identity.

Pretty sure that's-that's
not how that works,

but we can circle back to it. Um, okay,

next thing... really easy...

- just click on me or Greg...
- Greg.

Okay. And, uh, then you
can see our pictures.

Oh, look at that

- little cutie!
- Yeah, I'm wearing

that hat that you gave
me. And-and holding Lark.

This is really something.

- And you can make comments.
- Yeah.

"I'm going to get a sandwich."

Well, the point of
Facebook is-is more to,

like, have a dialogue with other people.

Oh. Yeah. Got it.

"Anyone else getting a sandwich?"

Oh. Tim's coming over.

- Wants some of your sandwich.
- Oh, no.

Wow, your mom liked every single photo

I posted on Facebook and
then commented, "I like that."

(chuckles) Well, now that
they get to see Lark every day,

they don't have to come over.
It's a pretty genius move

- on my part, if you ask me.
- Oh,

and, look, they invited
me to play PetVille.

Oh, no. I invited you
to PetVille.

Yeah, I'm the mayor.

My cat-stituency just voted me in,

and the Itty Bitty Kitty
Committee ratified it.

We need to talk.

I can't get into the Facebook.

I can't remember my password.

- That's what you...
- Uh-huh.

Okay. (chuckles) All right,
well, uh, it's the same password

- you have for all your stuff, Dad.
- Yeah.

No, she made me change it.

- Why would you do that?
- I-I heard

you... that you have to change it

- every three hours.
- Yeah,

then I had to change it again

because it wanted a capital letter.

And then again because
it wanted a number.

Then it called me weak,
and I just walked away.

Okay, everybody, let's just
calm down. These things happen.

- Okay? I'll just reset the password. Okay?
- Yeah.

But will the new password
work over at our house?

Yeah. Yeah, it'll work everywhere.

Well, what about Tim and Heather's?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that
counts as everywhere.

- And Matt and Colleen's?
- Yeah, their computer's

one of those flat little slickies.

Yeah, no, there, too.

Even on my phone?

- What about my phone?
- Oh, this is

- a super fun game. Both phones.
- What about

Tim and Heather's phone?

Uh, hey, Greg, you
want to start fielding

- some of these?
- Yeah, well, I would, honey,

but I'm kind of knee-deep
in this whole password thing.

Once it's on my phone, how do
I get it over to my computer?

You can't go in there.

- JOAN: No, no. No, no, we're family.
- You need an appointment.

Yeah. Plus, it's a legal emergency.

Hi. What-what is going on?

Well, we're hoping you can
tell us. Who is Miriam Bickle?

My high school physics teacher
who tried to sell everyone

- jewelry made out of dried pasta.
- Yeah,

Facebook said she's your friend.

Yeah. And she wants to be our
friend, and we don't know why.

Is she a cyberbully?

Okay. Um, was Greg not around
to answer this question?

Oh, we didn't want
to bother him at work.

He was in the Dream Lab
thinking of inventions.

- Oh.
- We saw it

on his status update.

Okay. Well, um, first of all,

you should be friends
with Miriam Bickle.

Really, you should
be friends with anyone

who sends you a request

at this point. But most importantly,

you should never be afraid to
bother Greg in his Dream Lab.

- Wow.
- Which I also call the garage.

(indistinct chatter)

Uh, who are all these people?

(gasps) Did we just walk
into an intervention?

Look, I swear, whatever my
parents are mad at you about,

I will stand by your side.

What? Why do you assume it's me?

Jen!

Oh, my God, it is me.

It's Miriam Bickle.

(gasps) Mrs. Bickle.

My pastor was right.
People do care about me.

(chuckles) Oh.

Um, will you excuse
us for-for one minute?

It's so nice

to see you.

Please help us.

What is going on? Why did you invite

all these people to brunch?

We didn't. I think Facebook did.

Yes, I thought I was
just inviting my group,

but apparently my group
includes all of my patients,

the book club, the
mall walkers' meet-up,

the librarian, and
the pizza delivery man.

Hey, Greg, I just met your
high school girlfriend.

- What?
- Man,

she's so easy to talk to. You
know, she's a therapist now,

just like your mom.

What a coincidence, right?

Is it?

Erica.

I don't like this.

I wish we could go back

to simpler times,

when we had our plug-in picture frame

with our digital Asian grandson.

Remember how happy he was at Christmas?

JOHN: That's it.

No more Facebook.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Guys, this is just a...

speed bump

on your social media adventure.

(phones chiming)

Oh. Hey, guys. Mom, listen, I think

your Facebook account was hacked.

I knew it.

All right, Joan, I'll bite.

What's the new superfood
that melts belly fat?

No! Don't open that. That's not me.

My identity's been stolen!

I think I found your first suspect.

It's uncanny.

Oh, Erica's here.

Yeah. Erica's here.

_

Hey, carpool karaoke was
pretty fun this morning, huh?

Yeah. Maybe next time
you'll let me have a turn.

- Eh, probably. Whoa, whoa. Hey, what?
- Hi, Sophia.

Hey.

This is good here.

What?

You don't need to walk me in anymore.

Well...

That's cool!

No, that's great! That way, we
can just use the drop-off lane,

and then we save precious
primp time in the morning!

Ha!

(gasps) Oh.

Oh, Derek.

Oh, no.

Oh, dude, you look like me
after my 40th birthday party.

Not good.

Okay, okay. Come on, don't
leave me, don't leave me.

Not you, too. Come on...

Oh. Oh, oh. Well, that was gross.

- Hey, Mom.
- Oh. Sweetie, I need your help.

Listen, I've changed Derek's
water, I balanced the pH,

and I've cleaned his tank,
but he's-he's still swimming

- on his side.
- Gotcha. Well, uh,

I can distract Sophia while
you go to the pet store

and do the old switcheroo.

No, no, no. This-this is
a very special fish, honey.

Sophia and I won him
at the winter festival.

And it was the first time she ever won

a carnival game without cheating.

And then we brought him
home in a plastic baggie

and she fell asleep with
her head on my shoulder.

I have to save this fish.

For Sophia.

Yes. For Sophia.

You know, I had a bird
that got sick once,

so I gave him some cough syrup.

The point is, don't
give him any cough syrup.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. How can we help
Derek Hughes today?

Oh.

Derek's a fish.

He's not eating. Can you help him?

Wait. Am I on Vet Pranks?

Where is Dave Coulier? I love that show.

Hey, did you see the one
where someone brought in

just a horse's ass?

No. I missed that one.

(sighs) Well, we've got
it up on the website.

Oh. It might cheer you
up after this fish dies.

Oh, uh, sorry.

Um, well, uh...

I supposed you could try feeding him

with an eyedropper.

- Okay.
- Uh, just keep in mind

an eyedropper will cost
more than a new fish.

Good luck.

(quiet gasp)

Oh, my God, he's eating.

(inhales) Derek.

Oh, my God.

(phone beeps)

Which brings us to your informed
consent paperwork. (phone ringing)

Now, this just details
all the risks involved

in a routine tonsillectomy.

I'm gonna need you to sign
all the marked areas there.

I'm gonna leave you
with that for a second.

This is Dr. Tim Hughes.

I did it; I saved Derek.

Derek. Who's that again?

Sophia's fish.

Oh, right. Yeah.

He didn't look good last time I saw him.

I know. It took me all day

and a (clears throat)
very expensive vet bill,

- but I did it.
- You're so nice.

I would have just let him die.

No, no, no. Nobody's dying on my watch.

Yeah. Well, sometimes
you got to let them die

when you've got a dinner reservation.

- No. Y-y-you don't ever let them die.
- TIM: I hear that.

I don't want to bury
another one in the backyard.

- HEATHER: I have to feed him again.
- TIM: Okay.

All right, Mrs. Torres.

Mrs. Torres?

Oh.

Hey, Mom. I think there's
something wrong with Derek.

What?

Oh. Hey, how's Derek?

- Can we see him?
- I'm sorry

to have to be the one to
tell you this, but Derek...

is no longer with us.

Oh.

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry.

Anybody want to say any last
words before we send Derek

to the big toilet bowl in the sky?

Sometimes you don't know
how good something is

until you don't have it anymore.

It's gonna be okay, Mommy.

(crying)

(sniffles and cries)

Honey, it's just a fish.

(crying): I know.

Bye, Derek.

-
The memories.

(toilet flushes)

Could you guys get
out now? I have to poo.

Okay.

- An elementary school?
- Yeah. Every little girl

dreams of her perfect
wedding, and a spot like this

is slightly better than
nothing, so it's perfect.

_

This is going to be the
wedding of your dreams.

I can barely contain my excitement.

I can't imagine how you two feel.

Mainly confused.

I know it's unorthodox
for a funeral planner

to also be in the wedding biz,

but I take great joy
in seeing the happiness

on the faces of my clients

without having to paint them on myself.

Oh, here. I brought my
dream wedding look-book.

Everything I've had in
mind for the perfect day.

You didn't have to bring that.

I held on to yours from last time.

- Whoa. Last time.
- Oh. (laughs)

She's our first guest of honor

to ever be a repeat
customer, which explains

why I'm so giddy right now.

I'm sorry. Is this the
same funeral planner

you used for your wedding to Chad?

I'm sorry, but I've been
dreaming of my wedding

since the first grade.

I can't just let all that go.

Letting go is a part of life, dear.

I, uh, I, uh, I-I can't. I can't.

I can't be the groom in a wedding

that wasn't meant for me.

Meaning isn't always
found on this earth, son.

Oh. Okay.

You know what? You're
right. This is silly.

There is no reason I can't
give up some of the things

- in this binder for you.
- Thank you.

Ned, even though I have had my heart

absolutely set on it,

go ahead and scrap
that dream cake topper.

You mean the cake topper
that we couldn't use anyway

because the groom on it's black?

I can't believe I have
to give up my stuff.

I am so sorry for your loss.

(whimpers)

I don't mean to be rude, but
I have a drag queen funeral

and makeup's gonna take forever.

He said he'd do my makeup, too.

Okay. So with Chad, I was
gonna have roses and lilies,

but I'm ready to open things up.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Um, what about wild flowers?

That's what I had when I...

(humming)

What you had when... when what?

Huh? What I had when
I, when I, wh-when I,

when I was at that wedding that one time

when-when-when I got married.

Matt, we have to avoid
those things, too.

That's the only way
we'll have a fresh start.

- Agreed, agreed.
- Okay, so we have

to pick things that
neither of us had had.

Okay, okay.

Where do you want to get married?

Well, Chad and I were
having a church ceremony

- with a ballroom reception, so...
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, all right.

Uh, Bonnie and I had a beach ceremony

with a reception under
the stars, so I think

that we should get married in the day.

Well, Chad and I were

- gonna get married in the daytime.
- So we'll have

a wedding that is neither in the daytime

nor in the nighttime.

Okay. And not by the water or on land.

Looks like we're taking
this wedding to the skies.

I'm afraid of heights.

- I know that.
- Mm-hmm.

This is so exciting.

I just can't wait to
hear your wedding plans.

Well, it wasn't easy,
but, uh, once we realized

that there were more
options available to us

than we'd ever imagined,

we found the perfect location.

Here?

- An elementary school?
- Yeah.

Every little girl dreams
of her perfect wedding.

And when I was a little girl,
I went to elementary school,

so this is the perfect place.

Yeah. And plus our eighth
date was at a baseball game,

- so, I mean, the connection's
- Oh.

- just too strong to ignore.
- No.

- You can't ignore signs like that.
- Yeah.

Just imagine this, right?
Beautiful Wednesday,

sometime between day and night.

Uh-huh. After dismissal,

- but before the AA meeting.
- Right.

- Oh.
- And there's Mylar balloons everywhere.

And Colleen's standing there with a big,

beautiful bouquet of lollipops.

Oh, will there be any other
food besides lollipops?

Because I have a real problem.

I can't lick them

- without getting really flirty.
- COLLEEN: Okay.

Yeah, there'll be tons of other
food... anything you could want.

Yeah. You just have to remember to
cook it and pack it and bring it.

So, what do you think?

A baseball picnic wedding.

- Cute, right?
- (laughing): Yeah.

I think...

maybe it... I...

It's great. It's...

It's-it's just great. Uh...

You know, all that matters is

that you two are so in love.

And that North Tippet Elementary
doesn't make the play-offs.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- (children cheering)

Yeah.

So we've decided if
we can't have a wedding

with all of our favorite things,

- we don't really want a wedding at all.
- So we're eloping.

- Some place neither of us has ever been.
- Yeah, and it won't

matter what we eat or what music
we listen to or where we are,

- 'cause it's just gonna be for us.
- Oh.

Life is capricious.

One minute, you two are
here, the next you're gone.

Oh, I've got it. How about Paris?

Oh, my God, that's fantastic.
I always wanted to go to Paris.

That's where you were going to go

- for your honeymoon with Chad, isn't it?
- Yes.

- But I have a credit.
- NED: I also do

bachelor parties if you're interested.

Huh. It's the one time

I have live prostitutes in here.

Fun.

- This is Charlie Puth's dressing room?
- Yeah.

I just saw him on the red carpet,

gave him a throat lozenge.

Accidentally touched
my hand. Don't touch it!

_

Hey, honey.

HEATHER: Hey, sweetie. Anything fun

happen at school today?

No, unless you count

my entire life being ruined as fun.

Hey, what...? Is this about a boy?

It was about a boy until
he had his bar mitzvah

last weekend and didn't invite me.

So now it's about a man.

(scoffs)

(footsteps running)

Joshie dumped Sam?

- Oh, I think it's Josh now.
- (sighs)

HEATHER: How's your dinner, Sam?

Tastes like garbage.

Hey, here's some good news.

I was hired

to be the backstage doctor

at a very special event.

Ooh, that's so exciting!

Isn't that exciting! Where?

Oh, I can't say where.

- Doctor-patient confidentiality.
- Mm.

But you said this morning
that if Ms. Stevens doesn't die

from her cancer, she'll
die of her bad breath.

(laughing): Oh, yeah, yeah,
well, yeah, I did say that,

but, uh, Ms. Stevens is very, very sick,

so let's pretend that I said
that in four to six weeks.

Why is everybody ganging up on me?

- What?
- What?

Huh?

Okay, you know what?

Honey, I think it's time to move on.

There are a lot of
wonderful boys out there.

In fact, my friend Gina has
an adorable son named Declan.

Well, I guess everybody has something!

Dad has a special
event, Mom has a friend.

Mom's friend has a
son. Even Sophia has...

Hormones she can control?

I can't wait until all
of you get dumped!

HEATHER: All right,
what are we gonna do?

She has held this entire
family hostage since Monday.

Now the weekend's coming.

Parenting is hard. I don't
want to do it all day.

Okay, look, the big surprise
I was talking about at dinner?

- Yeah?
- It's the Grammys.

What?

Yes. I'm gonna be the
backstage doctor at the Grammys.

I'll just take Sam.

- Oh, honey, you have to.
- Tot...

Oh, that would totally
snap her out of this!

Absolutely.

Who wouldn't cheer up hanging backstage

at the Grammys with the
coolest dad in the world?

What are you gonna wear?

Dad, did you get that outfit
in the women's section?

No. This is a men's rocker outfit.

(distant cheering and shouting)

(laughs) Well, I guess this is a classic

case of "who wore it best."

Come on! We are hanging out
backstage at the Grammys!

There are celebrities everywhere!

Watch your feet.

Did you see that? That
was a real-life roadie!

Just imagine who he's
probably toured with!

Man, if those tattoos could talk.

They'd ask to put their clothes back on.

All right, I know what you want.

I was just gonna warm you up

with the roadie, but I can
see you want the real deal.

Well, guess what.

Dr. Dad knows just where
all the dressing rooms are.

Excuse me, Roadie,

- where are the dressing rooms?
- Watch your feet.

Probably couldn't hear 'cause
hearing loss, you know. Touring.

Probably couldn't hear
you over that jacket.

Hey, want to meet Charlie Puth? Huh?

(distant music playing, Samantha gasps)

This is Charlie Puth's dressing room?

I love him!

Yeah. Charlie and I are awesome buds.

Caught him out on the red carpet.

He was losing his voice,
so I gave him a lozenge.

Look at this. Still got the wrapper.

He might be onstage right now. (gasps)

Sam, why don't you get
a selfie with his guitar?

Make Joshie jealous?

We probably shouldn't touch it.

Hey, I'm his doctor.
I've touched his uvula.

Surely I can pluck a couple of
a power chords on his guitfiddle.

- Otherwise, this outfit's going to waste.
- Dad, I...

-
Yeah

Just a scratch.

- (sighs)
- It's fine.

They get this stuff for free anyway.

(gasps)

Dr. Hughes?

Charlie. Hi.

That's new.

Yes.

I just saw Shawn Mendes
running out of here.

He looked angry and guilty,
so it must have been him.

It was a gift from Paul McCartney.

So it was free.

You know what? It's okay, though.

I'm more of a keyboardist anyway.

- Whew! God.
- (chord plays)

It's okay.

It's just stuff, right?

- That's so nice of you.
- MAN: Charlie?

Need you onstage, bud. Time to go.

It was great meeting you. Um,

don't worry about the
guitar or the piano.

Oh, my God, I think I love him.

Me, too.

You broke Charlie's guitar

and keyboard?

Yeah, but he said it's
fine, so it's fine.

It's not.

You got to go.

Yeah, we were gonna go
check out a couple other

- dressing rooms anyway. Come on, kiddo.
- Oh.

No. No, you-you got to leave the arena.

You're fired.

- Fired?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Love the jacket, though. Brian?

Thank you.

Let's go, Doc.

Say, Doc, what do you think
about this lump right here?

(sighs)

I'm sorry you got fired.

I'm sorry you got dumped.

-
I'm gonna

- I love you, Dad.
- I love you, too, kid.

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