Original subtitles

_

- GREG: All right, keep 'em closed. - JEN: Yeah, they're closed.

- They're closed? All right. - Yes. Okay.

Okay, you ready for your Valentine's Day surprise?

Yeah. It's gonna be tough to beat

all our other Valentine's Day surprises:

the flu, our basement flooding,

the time that you got pepper-sprayed

by that lady selling roses.

Yeah, I was just reaching for a hair.

I didn't know it was attached to her face. Okay, open your eyes.

Okay. (gasps)

Oh, my God! Greg!

This is so romantic.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Tonight we break the tradition of horrible Valentine's Days.

That means we are staying in.

No traffic, right?

No going to the wrong restaurant.

No bathroom accidents in traffic

on the way to the wrong restaurant.

Yeah, well, I was pregnant. It happens to a lot of women.

We've got a private chef...

- (gasps) - who is cooking us

a very romantic dinner.

So tonight the restaurant is right here.

- Hello. - Oh, hi.

Hi, I'm Allie.

- Hi. - You must be Jen.

I am.

Hope you guys are hungry.

Wow, that looks amazing.

- Oh, you look amazing. - Thank you.

Your body's so tight.

A little vino?

- Yeah, sure. Fill it to the top. - Mm-hmm.

We ain't got nowhere to drive, and the baby's

with the sitter until tomorrow.

ALLIE: Aw.

- You guys have a baby? Fun. - Yeah.

The state has my baby.

Enjoy the crab salad.

Huh.

Well, honey, this really... it-it means so much.

I know that you would've preferred

to spend the money on a close-up magic guy.

No, no, no. Baby, tonight is all about you.

I mean, Heather gave me the recommendation for Allie here,

so I booked her.

- Aw. - Besides,

Eric the Amazing was not available.

But don't worry.

I already locked him down for Christmas Eve 2018.

Well, if this food tastes as good as it looks,

that's not the only thing you're gonna have locked down.

That's what I'm talking about.

- Get it. - Okay? Hey-o.

Also, I'm gonna be out of town

for Christmas Eve 2018.

I just remembered.

Who's ready for round two?

Mmm.

Hey, hey.

Oh.

This is the best meal I've had

since we took that trip to N'awlins.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, that was the trip

where you decided to march with everyone's funerals.

- Yeah, they're called second lines. - Yeah.

I remember when I had love. (laughs)

(chuckles)

Long time ago.

My ex-husband was a gambling addict.

I bet he still is, unless he's dead.

Wouldn't that be weird?

That'd be so weird.

Cheers.

(wood cracks)

Y'all got to get this fixed. It's broken.

Hey, do you think she should be drinking that much wine

with, you know, knives and a hot stove and the emergency cash

you keep in that box of ice cream sandwiches?

No, I... no, sh-she's fine. I mean, she's a professional.

- Okay. - (glass shatters)

ALLIE: Who keeps glass in a kitchen?!

But on second thought...

Yeah. Probably a good idea.

Mmm.

(humming)

GREG: Allie?

Everything okay?

Oh, it's so great. Everything's fine.

Who's ready for the main course?

Damn it, Allie!

You're a mess up here, you're a mess down there.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It's okay. - Are you mad at me?

No, I'm not mad at you.

- Are you mad at me? - No, I'm not.

- Confused but I'm not mad. - Are you mad at me?

No, I'm not mad. It...

Everything's fine.

- Are you enjoying your meal? - Yes!

I am enjoying the meal. It's the best

- Valentine's Day ever. So I'm gonna - Good.

really need you to focus, you know,

and-and just keep it up.

Isn't that what I should be saying to you?

- Huh? - Um... no.

- Huh? - No.

- 'Sup, 'sup, 'sup, 'sup, 'sup? - Thank God.

Hi. And then I arrived.

- Oh, here, have a meat. - Oh, my God. Wow.

(chuckles)

Is that my medical I.D. bracelet?

I don't know. Maybe it is. Did I find it in the bathroom

and think it was cool and put it on?

Maybe. Maybe not.

(chuckles)

So, on a, on a scale of one to ten,

how certain are you that she has no criminal record?

Let's just keep an open mind.

- Yeah? Okay. - Right? Okay?

In the meantime though, I am definitely going

to go do a quick inventory

of all of my priceless Star Wars figurines.

What?

Uh, Allie, could I just talk to you

for just a-a hot minute?

Thank you so much.

So, this, first of all, looks A-plus.

But, you know, I don't want to eat too much,

just 'cause I have to slip into lingerie later.

And so I was thinking I could just

put you in a cab, send you home.

You can have a nice night.

Oh... I get it. I know what you're thinking.

That you smell like, literally, all of my perfumes.

That your man's gonna slip out of your fingertips

and into mine.

But don't worry.

These goods aren't on the menu.

(sucking in air)

(line ringing)

Hey. What's g... oh, no. Is the food not good?

No, no, the food is delicious. It's just Allie is wasted.

Oh, shoot. She was in such a good place six months ago.

She had just gotten out of rehab...

- Wait, she was in rehab? - Yeah.

Her husband left her at a truck stop,

where she became a prostitute.

You know, she's had some problems. Hey,

will you call me if Allie starts snorting the baking powder?

Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

Okay, well,

looks like we're just gonna jump ahead to dessert.

I'm predicting that's gonna be our salt and pepper shakers

- dipped in chocolate. - (sighs)

I am so sorry.

All right? All I wanted

was just one good Valentine's Day.

And we had one.

It was perfect.

Honestly,

all of our Valentine's have been perfect.

I mean, they've been total disasters,

but they've been

our disasters.

And I wouldn't have 'em any other way.

Me neither.

(shrieks)

- (groaning) - Oh, my God. Oh.

(hisses)

(groaning)

Would either of you like dessert?

(groans)

_

Look at this sweet three-legged girl.

Uh, I think that means something else.

And, also, that's a boy.

- (sighs) Look how sweet he is. - Yeah.

His bandana says "Soulmate." Maybe we should adopt him.

Well, Princess does need a new friend.

He's humped his stuffed bear so much

it's become a finger puppet.

This would be

- our first big purchase as a couple. - Mm.

And it's free, which is even better.

- Yeah. - Well, the bandana's five dollars.

But we don't want to spoil him.

Are we gonna do this?

We'll take him.

(chuckles) This totally replaces the memory of my dad leaving us

- on Valentine's Day. - Oh.

(chuckles) No pressure.

(both chuckle)

Thank you for starting the adoption journey.

- Yeah. - (chuckles)

It's a four-week process

with several in-home visits.

Shall we em-bark?

(laughs)

It's okay to laugh. (laughs)

At...?

All right, so this is a release so we can run your credit.

Oh, uh, we're not getting the bandana.

I know. But we need to know if you can financially support him

and give him everything he deserves.

Okay. But, you know, just to be clear:

he has three legs, and if he doesn't get adopted, he dies.

RUTH: Well, some fates are worse than death.

Are they? Because, uh...

You know, we'll do whatever it takes.

You are gonna be part of our family.

- Yeah. - We'll see.

And until it's official,

can you please communicate with the dog through me?

Okay.

Was that to me or the dog?

'Cause you had one eye that went.

- I know. I have a lazy eye. - Oh, that's just... she has a lazy eye.

I have to write this down.

And Princess sleeps in the bed with us.

Well, we sleep in Princess's bed.

(both laugh)

MATT: I don't even need an alarm clock.

I've got Princess's tongue. (both laugh)

But we don't make love with the dog in the room. Obviously.

We don't think that's appropriate.

No, no.

- Our toilet water's filtered. - Oh, yeah.

- Okay. - COLLEEN: Yeah, yeah.

And we have great schools in this neighborhood.

Mm-hmm.

Also, we have had sex in front of Princess.

I don't know why I said that.

I don't want to start out with a lie.

Well, you have a lovely home.

Oh, thank you.

But I'm afraid it's a no.

Why? Is this because I lied? Matt lied, too.

He definitely has an alarm clock.

I don't think you're gonna make it as a couple.

You know? It's just a gut feeling.

I'm very good at judging relationships.

Except my own.

'Cause my life is a disaster.

Anyway, it was

really nice to meet you guys.

Are you really sure you want to do this?

We could just adopt a different dog.

It's not just about the dog.

It's about someone questioning the strength of our love.

Right. Right.

(clears throat) Excuse me.

Okay.

That's a good guy.

(sighs)

- Whoa! (chuckles) - Oh.

Hey. Got a little, uh...

- I got a what? - Gee, you got a little

- bite there? - Little...

- Like a... - Yes, ferret.

Okay. Well, you might remember us.

We are the people that you thought weren't good enough

- for one of your almost dead dogs. - (grunts)

And we're back, because we don't give up.

No. And also because we can't afford a purebred.

But also mostly

- because we don't give up. - Mm-hmm.

COLLEEN: And we thought about

- giving up for a couple days. - Oh!

Yeah, after you left, we thought, "What's wrong with us"

And then we started listing each other's faults,

which really got ugly.

So dark.

But after yesterday, we got back together again.

- Oh. - And we realized

that we are meant to be together

and we are meant to have this dog, and if you can't see that,

then maybe, maybe this dog just, I don't know,

- isn't even worth it! - Oh. Got away from you there at the end.

- She knows what I'm saying. - Okay.

I do. And that's exactly the fighting spirit

I was hoping for.

- Oh. - Let's reopen the file.

- Oh, thank you! - Okay.

Okay. Sit.

- Okay. - Okay.

Here we go.

Over here. Sit over here.

- Come. - Oh.

This dog...

is a symbol of our love.

We're stronger when we're challenged.

- We are. This is gonna happen in life. - Mm-hmm. Mm.

People are gonna front, and we're gonna step to it! What?!

Okay. Okay. Mmm. Maybe we don't do that in front of the dog,

'cause you know you're gonna scare him.

- Mm-hmm. - Right? But you're right.

- Buttons is very lucky to have us. - Yes.

Right? Isn't that right, Buttons?

Buttons?

- Oh, Buttons. - You scared him.

His name is Buttons, right?

- I think so. - Buttons?

- Buttons? - Buttons?

- (kissing) Buttons? - Buttons? Come on, boy!

I can't believe we let this happen.

I know. We have to find him.

I miss his little black fur.

He's brown. I think.

Well, I didn't get a good look.

I love him so much!

- Buttons? - Buttons?

- (ringtone playing) - Oh.

- Hello? - RUTH: Mr. Short.

Ruth Puxtus-Silverstein from the adoption fair.

Oh, hi, Ruth!

Hi. I'm just doing my doggie due diligence

and checking in.

How's it going with Buttons?

- Oh, it's so great! We love him! - Yeah!

He is just the cutest little-to-medium-sized thing.

Oh, look how cute he is

- when he does that little thing. - Oh, y-yes!

- Oh, yes, he does. - Yes, he does. Yeah.

This is so surprising.

Because he's sitting right here next to me.

Yeah.

Little guy ran across an eight-lane freeway

to find his way back here.

Then-then which Buttons is this?

Get out of here, you filthy animal!

- Sorry. You know what? - Sorry. We're...

We'll come right down. coming. Uh-huh.

We'll straighten all of this out.

No. Stay.

Stay.

(both sigh)

What if Ruth is right?

What if there's some weakness in us

that only she and dogs can sense?

There's not! We made a mistake.

You know? And whenever we make them,

we learn from them and we grow stronger

- and we get better. - Yes.

We're like a super germ.

- You are so romantic. - I know.

Mmm. (chuckles)

You're right. What does that dog lady know anyway?

- I mean, Princess loves us. - Yeah.

Right, Princess?

Where's Princess?

- Oh, come on! - Princess?

Princess?

(Colleen groans)

Maybe we're cat people.

Uh-oh, what's that?

It's your Valentine's present.

That's my tattoo from last year.

No, I added another heart.

- Mm. What is that, my lipstick? - Don't smudge it!

_

- (door closes) - SOPHIA: Mom! Dad!

I'm finally a woman!

Guess what I got today.

Already?

Oh, no.

It's the hormones in the chicken.

A boyfriend!

(Heather gasps)

You got a boyfriend?

Well, what is his name?

Pete. His last name doesn't matter,

'cause I'm not taking it anyway.

- Mm, yeah. - Look what he got me

for Valentine's Day.

Oh, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

He liked it, so he put a necklace on it, huh?

We're not doing gifts here, are we?

(chuckles) Is Pete as funny as your daddy?

'Cause your daddy is pretty funny.

I feel like Anne Hathaway.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Hi. It's Pete's mom.

Are you calling to plan the wedding? (laughs)

Okay, while your mom's on the phone,

let's quickly pull together a little dance routine

and convince her that it's her present.

You're on your own. I'm still at the age

I can make a card and she starts crying.

HEATHER: So...

Pete took that necklace he gave Sophia

from his mom's jewelry box

without asking.

And... it's real diamonds.

My first boyfriend and he's rich?

Maybe I will take his last name.

Okay, sweetie, well, she's gonna come over tomorrow

and pick it up, so why don't you run upstairs and get it.

Wait. I have to give it back?

Yeah, but don't worry, we'll get you something

out of the claw machine.

Both of you.

Mm...

SOPHIA: I lost it.

You lost the necklace?

Since this afternoon?

You're positive that you lost it?

I looked everywhere.

No necklace.

It's like it just disappeared.

I don't think we can rule out a black hole.

Boy, you don't need me adding to your chaos.

Can I go night swimming at Carly's house

and boys are going to be there?

Yeah, honey, wh-whatever.

Listen, Sophia,

if you look me in the eye and you tell me

that you lost this necklace, okay, I-I'm gonna believe you,

because in this family, we value honesty.

That's right.

Even more than material things.

Yeah... (groans)

I lost the necklace.

Thank you.

Wait, so she lost it in one day?

I know, I know, I know. I-I'm so sorry.

I mean, we tore the entire house apart.

If I find it,

obviously, I'll call you.

Yeah, I'm not buying it.

Y-You don't believe me?

Oh, no, I believe you.

HEATHER: Listen, if Sophia says she lost it,

then she lost it, okay?

I trust my daughter.

Yeah, but all kids are liars.

Oh, wow.

Okay, you know what?

I guess that I'm blessed.

My family is built

on trust and honesty,

and I'm sorry if yours isn't, but the day

that I don't believe my daughter

is the day that we stop being a family.

(whispers): I killed our family.

(screams)

- It's happening! - What?

What, what?!

Oh, sweetie, what's the matter?

I hid the necklace so I could keep it.

Now we have to stop being a family.

What?

I'm a monster.

Just like Anne Hathaway.

Oh, honey, no. But why did you lie?

It was the first romantic present

a boy has ever gotten me.

Here, take it.

But maybe put something like it on my birthday list.

I understand. I mean, I get this completely.

You know, presents make us feel loved

and appreciated.

But that doesn't make this right,

and you have to return it.

And you're gonna have to explain that you lied.

I hate life lessons.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

And that is the true meaning of Valentine's Day.

- (doorbell rings) - Oh, this is the worst. This is gonna be

more embarrassing than that time I drank too much kombucha

and I shoplifted from the grocery store.

TABITHA: Coming.

I think Sophia's probably learned her lesson.

Yeah, I think so, too.

- You know what, let's go. Let's go. - Go!

- Oh! - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Valentine's Day is a therapist's busiest day.

Just like tax day is for accountants,

or the Fourth of July is for finger surgeons.

_

I don't know why we're having a picnic here,

but I love you, and that's all that matters.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Joanie.

I want you to see something.

Ta-da.

Just like our old one.

Oh, I've missed this car!

I regret ever having to sell it when Heather was born,

but, you know,

kids are about sacrifice

and giving up everything that's important to you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You bought it?

I'm about to. And then we're gonna drive up the coast

in this baby and have a romantic picnic

and make love in the backseat.

Listen, you, making love in the backseat

was what led to us having to get rid of this car

in the first place.

Oh, yeah, well, we can decide where to do it later.

Now watch me unleash my negotiating magic, huh?

(ringtone playing)

That's not a patient, is it?

- Yes. - (groans)

But Shelly's gonna be fine.

You're going to be fine.

Can I help you folks find something today?

Well, I'll tell you what you can't help me find is

this car here.

I'm not interested in this one.

John.

No. Now, honey,

let the professionals handle this, huh?

That car there

is actually not for sale.

(chuckles): Oh. Yeah. Sure, dude.

This guy's come here to play today.

Mm, nope. No games. Just not for sale.

Is there another car you're interested in?

Well, I'm interested in everything.

But not this one.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, it's Shelly again.

She-she must really be struggling.

Let me just explain to her that we're impulse-buying

our third car; she'll understand.

What about this one?

Yeah, this one's nice.

Nicer than that one over there that's not for sale.

Yeah, I'm just not so sure about the price.

Now, if that other car over there was for sale,

how much would that be?

That car's not for sale.

I'll give you $22,000.

- Okay. - Really?

No. It's not for sale.

This guy's good, Joanie.

He keeps saying it's not for sale.

But m-maybe it's not for sale.

Whoa, it's a good thing I'm doing this and not you.

He'd eat you alive. (chuckles)

GAVIN: So, you seem to really like

the Aston Martin; why don't we step into my office

and run the numbers.

Yeah, sure. Why don't we?

- You guys want some coffee? - Sure.

Yeah, now we're making money.

I-I don't really want any coffee.

That's part of the game.

Just get it and throw it in the trash.

So, your paperwork is done.

I just need your signature,

and that red beauty is yours.

So, uh...

I'm just gonna sign here, then, huh?

I'm-I'm really gonna do it.

(chuckles) Here I go. I just licked the pen.

Yup, that's what we've been talking about

for the past hour.

And you can keep that pen.

Up again, honey.

John...

So, I'm really gonna sign the paperwork, huh?

Whenever you're ready.

Aw... you win.

- Huh? - All right.

I don't want to buy an Aston Martin.

I want the Chevelle.

And I'll pay anything.

I won't let you leave this lot

until I've bought your car.

I don't think that's the right way to negotiate.

I got this. No. No.

Name your price. I'll double it.

I'll even throw in the two coffees

and this new pen

and this gold stapler that I-I borrowed.

Maybe he doesn't want to sell the car

because it means something to him.

I don't want to talk about it. (sighs)

See... there? You were wrong, Joanie.

The car was my ex-wife's.

I should be over her by now,

and I would sell it to you if I was, but I'm not.

John?

- Hmm? - Could Gavin and I have a word?

No, he's about to cave.

But... okay.

(clears throat)

I'm ready to move on.

I'll give you a great price on the car.

Sounds like you're getting more than I am out of this deal.

I'm not sure I'm interested in a "great price."

John.

Uh, leave this to the professionals, hmm?

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