All language subtitles for Life in Pieces s02e12 Best Waxing Grocery Rental.eng

_

Did you bike over here?

What, and sweat in this outfit? No way.

No, this is just a preview of
the outfit you're gonna wear

for your bachelor party.

Oh, no.

Now, I already know what you're
thinking. You're thinking,

"Greg, do they even allow
spandex at a strip club?"

And they do.

But don't worry, okay?

'Cause we are not going
to a strip club. No.

We are gonna be pedaling
on one of these babies.

It's a bike bar.

It's a bar on a bike.

Yeah.

Okay. Um, wow.

(clears throat) Um...

There's still a lot being worked out,

about the wedding,

- you know? And, um...
- Okay.

nothing's really set in stone yet,

about who is doing what.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,

okey-dokey-do, well, um...

you... doesn't really
matter much to me. You know?

It's not like I've been...
been planning anything.

So, uh...

Yeah. I'll just go.

- Okay.
- Okay.

(door opens, closes)

What's going on out here?

(clears throat) I think Greg assumes

he's gonna be my best man again.

Well, did you tell him we're eloping?

Well, that kind of defeats the
purpose of eloping, doesn't it?

If you're eloping, you don't
tell your family. You know?

Yeah. Can we talk about this later?

- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- Yep.

GREG: I don't understand.

Why wouldn't Matt want me?

I mean, I was best man
at his first wedding,

and I did a great job.

Uh, I seem to remember
a toast where you outed

his wife as a stripper.

You come up with a word
that rhymes with 'zipper.'

I still don't understand why
you were talking about a zipper.

Because she was a stripper.

I can't have this
argument with you again.

Okay, fine. You want to know what?

I will have this argument with Heather.

He's shafting me on best man.

I mean, was my speech that bad?

Yes. But I think more
complaints were logged

about that terrible
bachelor party you threw.

What?

Oh, right, the Booze Choo-Choo. Ugh.

It was brilliant.

We chugga-chugga'd on a choo-choo?

Yeah, but instead of being on a boat,

staring at the vast
expanse of the ocean,

we're on a stinky train, staring
at a bunch of people's backyards

full of tires. I mean,
who has that many tires?

Well, I had no idea

that I had disappointed Matt so much.

I mean, I ruined the toast,
I threw a bad bachelor party...

- Don't forget you lost the ring.
- Yeah.

How was I supposed to
know that bird could fly?

(sighs)

I got to make it up to him.

I have to show Matthew

that I may not be the
best man for every man,

but I am the best man for Matt, man.

Well, then go to him.

Let him know how you feel.

Yeah. Yeah.

(door opens, closes)

Aw, that son of a
bitch. He's gonna do it.

He is really gonna do it.

Greg?

(thunder crashing)

We need to talk.

Look, I know that I disappointed
you as your best man.

Because people have told me.

But I have poured

my heart into writing you a letter

that is going to explain to you

why you should give me a second chance.

And right now I'm deciding
not to read that letter

and speak from my heart,
'cause in the movies,

that's how people get
convinced to do things.

Okay. Greg, you don't understand.

No! Matthew, you don't understand, okay?

You're my big brother.

Right?

You are my... bro-bro
from the same mo-mo

and... I am gonna go back
to reading this letter.

Okay. Greg, just... sit down.

You are a great brother.

But you can't be my best man.

Then I guess this is good-bye.

No, Greg...

What's that? I thought
I heard my brother,

but I don't have a brother anymore.

Greg, you can't be
my best man because...

we're not having a wedding,
we're... we're eloping.

What?

No, Matthew, you can't
tell people you're eloping,

it defeats the whole purpose.

I know. I've been trying
to keep it a secret.

And now I'm gonna need you
to help me keep it a secret,

(chuckles softly)

- I got it.
- Uh-huh?

You're gonna need a
man to keep this secret.

Okay, Greg. There is no best man.

- We're on the same page.
- Okay.

- It's why we're brothers. Come here.
- All right.

Okay.

So... Oh, no. No, no.

- Mwah.
- Oh...

Shh.

- MATT: Hey!
- Hey!

Sorry we're late. She had to...

Oh...

You told them, didn't you?

Dude, they guessed.

Well, because he told them.

You guys are eloping?

HEATHER: You know how much stake

this family puts into
ceremonial events, Matt.

JOAN: No, it's okay!

We'll have a big party before you elope.

We'll rent out the club,

and we'll invite all our friends,

we'll have a big band and cake...

Isn't that a wedding?

You don't have to be there.

- Oh.
- JOHN: Damn it, Matt.

You're having a wedding.

GREG: So...

if you're going to have a wedding,

you... should we tell the people

who you've chosen for best man?

Oh, my God.

_

(exhales) Tittianna, thanks so much

for fitting me in today. Mm.

We're lucky you could
fit through doorway.

We have saying in Russia.

Never let a flower grow.

Oh. Russia sounds so beautiful.

It's a dark, putrid place.

I miss it.

D'oh!

Okay, on your fours.

Ooh.

(sighs)

Put a collar on me,

it's like I'm back in college again.

- (yelling)
- Ah, it reminds me.

I have special this month, okay?

You refer a friend, you get
half off next appointment.

Oh, okay. What if I want everything off?

Half off regular
wallet, not woman wallet.

Oh.

- Hi-yee!
- Hi-yee!

Sorry I'm late.

My waxing ran a little long.

- (groans softly)
- Oh.

Oh, man, I remember those days.

Yeah, but, you know,
after you have a baby,

it's better to kind of
keep something down there.

Oh.

Some parties are just
better under a tent.

Well, my lady is amazing.

I let her do my whole body...
attic, basement and panic room.

(whispers): Panic room.

You know, you should go to her

and say that Colleen referred you.

- Oh. Yeah, I don't know.
- No, come on!

You'll be like a brand-new lady.

Getting into bed will be like a penguin

sliding down a glacier.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, all right.

- What the heck? I'll give it a try.
- Yay!

Remember, say Colleen sent you.

I can see you've had many children.

Uh, no, no. Just-just one.

Mm. Then he must have
very large, square body.

No, she's pretty baby-shaped.

Uh, you misunderstand.

A square baby is highest
Russian compliment.

- Harder for them to roll away in snow.
- Oh.

I thought a Russian baby was born,

and then another one
came out of that one,

and then another one
came out of that one,

and another one came out of that one.

(yelling)

My father died in Russian doll factory.

(whispering): I'm sorry for your loss.

Hi! Just seeing how
it went with Tittianna.

Uh, not great.

You know, I'm not really into
that brand of Kremlin sass.

(laughs) I know, she's such a card.

Did you tell her I referred you?

Oh, no, I forgot.

Hey, do you think Lark looks square?

She did good work, right?

Uh, well,

if her work is being an insult
comic and roasting my vagina,

then, yeah, she did great work.

So maybe you can

just call her and say
that I referred you.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm done with her.

But if you don't tell her I sent you,

I don't get half off next time.

Oh, okay. So... so you're saying
you sent me to that monster

so that you could
just, like, save a dime?

Well, it's a lot of money.

My hair grows twice as
fast as a normal person.

I grow bangs in a week.

Okay, fine. I'll-I'll call her

when I'm done feeding my square baby.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Jen, you look so pretty today.

- Well-rested, hydrated.
- All right.

Easy, tiger. I called your lady, okay?

You're gonna get the discount.

- Are you happy?
- Yes! So happy. Thank you.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell
you about the referral up front,

but I was worried that you wouldn't go.

Yeah, your instincts were right.

Hey, Jen, that lady is a monster.

But now I can totally eat
crumbly foods with confidence.

- Wait. You went to Tittianna?
- Oh, my gosh, you know her?

That is one strong white Russian.

- She is my waxer.
- Huh.

You ladies talking about getting waxed?

This is so exciting!
Now I get two referrals!

Oh, no. Actually, I
told her Jen referred me,

'cause, you know, Jen referred me.

Oh, my God, you guys got
waxed at the same time?

- I thought you didn't like her.
- Well, I didn't, but then,

when I called her, she told me I got
a free service if I gave a referral,

then, yeah, I started to
like her a little more.

What?! But Heather wouldn't
even know about Tittianna

- if I hadn't told you.
- TIM: Hey.

Is it candle wax? Does it
come right off a candle?

Neither of you would know about
the salon if I hadn't sent you,

so I get all the referrals.

What's the lighting like?
Normal, or, like, red light,

- or...?
- I'm client zero. Okay.

Can we move on? I'm just afraid
if we keep talking about this,

I'm gonna start
answering Tim's questions.

Hey, tops on or off?

What's-what's the story there? I mean...

So, I heard you met my friend Jen.

Thank you for referral.

Actually, I think it was two referrals.

See, Jen told our mutual
friend, Heather, about you,

and then Heather came in and
said that Jen referred her,

but since I referred Jen,

I technically referred Heather, too,

so, I should actually
get both discounts.

Is this Who-Is-On-First routine?

No, my referral of
Jen extends to Heather.

It's like if I went fishing,
and I reeled in a fish,

and I gave it to Jen to
hold, and then she gave it

- to Heather...
- Okay, this matter

is becoming very irritating to me.

- (glove snaps)
- On your fours!

No, it's okay. I'm-I'm fine.

I'm just... I'm kidding. (laughs)

- Do it!
- (clears throat)

She could be the first female astronaut.

Honey, there already
are female astronauts.

I'm talking about real
life, not the movies.

_

Knock, knock! I'm here to baby-sit.

- (gasps)
- Oh. Hi, Mom-Mom.

Did you bring the brownie mix?

Oh, I forgot, and I was so excited

I remembered the aspirin you wanted.

Oh, thank you. I'm
getting my... facial today.

Yeah, you got your dad's whiskers,

and Greg has my smooth legs.

Would you run across the
street and get that brownie mix?

Sure.

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!

You can't go across
the street by yourself.

What?! I let you walk to school
alone when you were her age.

Yeah, and I broke my arm.

Once. Every other time, you were fine.

Mom, parenting has changed.

It's a whole different world now.

There-there are cyber bullies,

there are underground terrorist cells.

What does that have to do
with crossing the street?

Listen, you can be radicalized
in less than five minutes.

No one who goes to bed
at 8:30 gets radicalized.

JOHN: Is that a spot? No.

- Oh, is that a spot?
- It's not a spot, John.

- Stupid little car.
- Yeah.

- Being little is stupid.
- Mm.

You know, honey, don't
tell your mom I said this,

but you are definitely old enough

- to cross the street.
- Preach.

You think I could fit into
that one with the carts?

I have an idea. Why don't we let

Sophia run into the store,
pick up what we need,

and we'll circle around?

Then the parking lot wins, Joanie.

And I'm not allowed.

- Today you are.
- Really?

Yes. Just run in there and
pick up what's on the list,

and we'll be right
here when you get out.

- Okay.
- Take my phone.

And text Mom-Mom if
you have any trouble.

- Got it.
- And don't look at the pictures.

No. Uh, just take my phone.

And don't you look
at her pictures.

(whispers): Stop.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Manager
to the front, register three.

On your left. I mean right.

- (tires squeak)
- You look like a guy

who would know where
to find stool softener.

Aisle five. Get the generic.

It's the same stuff, a dollar less.

That's how they get you.

Who's they?

Ah, you'll see.

Cool.

Thanks, mister.

Turkey meatball?

Sure.

So, when did you decide to
get into the sample game?

Right after I got into
the teen pregnancy game.

WOMAN: Sophia Hughes?

Hold on. Let me call you right back.

Who wants to know?

It's Mrs. Mandrell,
Michaelangelo's mother.

You bit him once when you
two were in kindergarten?

You'll have to be more specific.

Sweetie, where's your mom?

Are you shopping here alone?

Yeah, but don't tell her.

She's getting all the hair
ripped off her lip and is

cranky enough.

No. I'm calling her, though I get no joy

in looking like the better mother.

Are you sure?

JOAN: She's been in
there a long time.

Maybe she's stuck in the freezer.

Maybe she's getting her eyes checked.

That's Costco.

Well, maybe she's trying on pants.

Still Costco.

Are we not at Costco?

- (woman running)
- Oh!

- Dear!
- Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

How did she find a spot so quick?

Sophia, you know

you are not supposed to run away

- from whoever is watching you!
- I didn't!

Mom-Mom sent me into the store alone.

Hi! We're here.

Just in case there's a lawsuit...

- (camera shutter sound effects)
- What-what... (stammering) Okay,

come on. I-I am

so mad. I feel like I could just...

No, no, no, honey.

Don't overactivate your testosterone.

That's how you got the
mustache in the first place.

Whether or not you feel

like Sophia is ready
to do things on her own

doesn't really matter, okay?

It's not the same world
that it was when I was a kid.

A lot more robots now.

Oh, don't, John.

(groans)

Aren't we gonna take

Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's
groceries to them?

No. Because I'm still too mad at them.

Okay. But I need to put
one thing in the freezer

before it melts.

Hey, did you find all of
these things by yourself?

Mm-hmm. I got a good
deal on stool softener.

It's generic, so it's a dollar less.

They didn't get me.

Huh.

Okay, you know what, why don't you take

all of these things over
to Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's?

Aren't you gonna come with me?

No. I think you got this.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks!

My body may be renting out cars,

but my soul will be here
watching you play a video game

- that I do not understand.
- God, I love you.

_

TYLER: I feel bad.

You'll be slaving away in corporate hell

while I'm kicking back
in the lap of luxury.

No, no, no. We agreed.

Okay? I will make the money

while you make the music.

Until the music makes the money.

And then we'll have a tiny mansion.

Or just a regular small house.

God, what am I saying?

I don't want success to change us.

(sighs) So, this is good-bye?

This may be the longest we've been apart

since that orthodox wedding,

but our love will get us through.

There's a lot of
reasons people rent cars,

but I find the number one reason
is they need a car temporarily.

We're like a library. But
instead of renting books,

we rent cars. (chuckles)

Are you writing this down?

No need. It's all up here.

(laughs) Newbie's got the goods!

(phone rings)

Sorry, it's my husband.

You're married?

Just rent the cars.

Or whatever. I don't care.

Just...

Hey, babe.

Could you tell that I
was smiling with my voice?

'Cause they are very big on that here.

Yeah. Uh, will you tell
me what you think of this?

- (tuning guitar)
- That sounds good.

I was just tuning up.

No, I was just talking to my manager.

He's gonna teach me
how to walk around a car

and look for scratches.

She's married.

Eh, forget it.

Just check for scratches. Or don't.

Whatever.

Hey, babe, I got to go.

My bosses are mad at me.

Or maybe they're not. I don't know.

Um, Clementine... Clem...

- (clattering)
- (groaning)

Is Clementine under you?

No. She left me.

Lasted longer than I thought.

What's that?

My playhouse got some of your mail.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, do you want to hear my new song?

You seem like you're
in a bad place, so...

I'm gonna say yes.

-
My heart is...

I think I left the stove
on in the playhouse.

Okay. Should I wait for you?

- (door opens, shuts)
- CLEMENTINE: Oh...

my... God.

Vent. I am here to listen.

It was... amazing!

- (chuckles)
- What? Really?

Yes. I got someone
to take the insurance,

and now I'm employee of the month.

Wow. Full day.

Yeah. Hey, how did writing go?

Oh, uh, I could use your help, actually.

You want to vibe on some stuff?

Oh, you know, I-I would, but I just...

I gave so much at work today.
I used all of my creativity

answering the phones.

I think Clementine and
I are getting divorced.

Well, that lasted longer than I thought.

Work is her whole life now.

And I used to be her whole life.

I mean, you're a stay-at-home
husband whose wife

also has a high-powered job.

How do you deal with it?

Well, I...

I think she checks that from work.

Um... (clears throat)
you're right, okay?

It's not always easy. But
you got to be supportive.

Okay? Even when

you have not a care in the world

about who is eating
all of the baby carrots

out of the office fridge.

You got to be supportive.

You saw me turn that off, right?

Yeah. It's just she's leading
a totally separate life now.

For six hours a day.

It's like they're not even
trying to adhere to labor laws.

Well, quit looking at her work
life like it's a bad thing.

It's not. It's great.
It's what you want.

It's sexy.

But I'm lonely.

We're not used to being apart.

Okay, look, this is
gonna sound weird, but..

a couple can grow together
by spending time apart.

Or at least that's what Mom-Mom told me

before I went off to college.

Look, being alone is rad.

I mean, I have taken more
naps in the last three months

than Lark. And Jen has no idea.

JEN: Greg, it's on now.

So, can't wait to talk when I get home.

- You know, if you're awake.
- (quietly): Damn it.

And, Tyler, whatever you do,

don't write her a song.

Here are your keys.

It's the white Scion
next to the white Scion.

Huh?

(song ends)

That's the husband? (scoffs)

Maybe we have a shot.

(clattering)

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