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1
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_
2
00:00:08,357 --> 00:00:10,121
I know you all have busy lives,
3
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:11,402
what with college,
4
00:00:11,427 --> 00:00:14,772
and having a family, and your "art"
5
00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:16,664
But I'm glad you're all here
6
00:00:16,689 --> 00:00:18,722
for your last New Year's Eve.
7
00:00:18,724 --> 00:00:21,258
"Last"? What, are you
going to murder us all?
8
00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:23,509
- (laughter)
- JOAN: No.
9
00:00:23,534 --> 00:00:25,462
He thinks the world is going to end.
10
00:00:25,464 --> 00:00:27,631
It is! In three hours,
11
00:00:27,633 --> 00:00:30,048
the Y2K bug is going to bite,
12
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:33,037
and it's going to hurt like when
a wasp gets you in the penis.
13
00:00:33,062 --> 00:00:35,139
Okay, Daddy, well we'll hang
around for a little while,
14
00:00:35,164 --> 00:00:36,740
but then we got to get
our dates to our party.
15
00:00:36,742 --> 00:00:38,740
They were extras in
that 90210 episode
16
00:00:38,756 --> 00:00:40,665
where Brenda and Kelly
wore the same dress to prom.
17
00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:43,683
Oh, that's the episode where
Brenda loses her virginity
18
00:00:43,708 --> 00:00:44,450
to Dylan!
19
00:00:44,475 --> 00:00:46,128
She never should have done that.
20
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,063
- That was a big mistake.
- I know.
21
00:00:48,088 --> 00:00:49,631
Hey, speaking of mistakes,
22
00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,366
we should really be getting Tyler home.
23
00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:52,634
Are you not listening to me?
24
00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:54,136
It's Y2K.
25
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:56,589
It's not safe for you to go outside.
26
00:00:56,614 --> 00:00:59,147
Yeah, at the hospital they
told us that if computers crash,
27
00:00:59,172 --> 00:01:00,722
then the stoplights could go down,
28
00:01:00,747 --> 00:01:04,343
- and it'd be mass chaos.
- Well, at least we have a real doctor here
29
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:05,884
in the house with us tonight.
30
00:01:05,886 --> 00:01:07,552
He's a medical student.
31
00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:09,296
But don't worry,
32
00:01:09,321 --> 00:01:11,076
as patronizer of this family,
33
00:01:11,101 --> 00:01:13,283
it's my role to protect you all,
34
00:01:13,308 --> 00:01:14,893
and I'm ready for the worst.
35
00:01:14,895 --> 00:01:16,628
I think you mean patriarch.
36
00:01:16,630 --> 00:01:19,064
See, Dad? I told you, he
is really, really smart.
37
00:01:19,066 --> 00:01:21,566
Not smart enough to use a condom.
38
00:01:22,812 --> 00:01:24,836
Good thing I had 50.
39
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,839
GREG: A generator?
40
00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,688
Don't you think that's
a little paranoid?
41
00:01:29,713 --> 00:01:31,446
I am not paranoid.
42
00:01:31,471 --> 00:01:35,073
Here, take this marker and write
your blood type on your arm.
43
00:01:36,049 --> 00:01:37,916
By the way, I saw Dad siphoning that gas
44
00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:40,051
- out of your car earlier.
- What?
45
00:01:40,053 --> 00:01:41,795
Dad, where'd you get that gas?
46
00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:43,421
Hmm?
47
00:01:43,423 --> 00:01:44,990
I found it.
48
00:01:44,992 --> 00:01:47,365
You took out $17,000?
49
00:01:47,390 --> 00:01:48,960
JOHN: Better to have it in our wall
50
00:01:48,985 --> 00:01:51,819
than in an ATM machine
when the banks go offline.
51
00:01:51,844 --> 00:01:53,906
You know, you don't
have to say "ATM machine"
52
00:01:53,931 --> 00:01:56,768
because the M in ATM
stands for "machine,"
53
00:01:56,770 --> 00:01:58,684
so when you say ATM machine
54
00:01:58,709 --> 00:02:00,545
you're really just saying machine twice.
55
00:02:00,570 --> 00:02:01,804
- Mhm.
- See, Dad?
56
00:02:01,829 --> 00:02:03,008
Isn't Tim clever?
57
00:02:03,010 --> 00:02:04,943
Not clever enough to wear a condom.
58
00:02:07,546 --> 00:02:09,612
All right, the left jug is for drinking,
59
00:02:09,637 --> 00:02:11,404
and the right jug is for peeing.
60
00:02:12,017 --> 00:02:13,585
Our left or your left?
61
00:02:13,964 --> 00:02:14,930
Oh...
62
00:02:14,955 --> 00:02:16,086
- Mom?
- Yeah?
63
00:02:16,111 --> 00:02:17,289
Where did those girls go?
64
00:02:17,291 --> 00:02:20,625
Oh, they said the party wasn't
very jiggy and they left.
65
00:02:20,627 --> 00:02:22,527
What! No!
66
00:02:22,693 --> 00:02:25,227
I've got Cindy's ChapStick,
that was gonna be my in.
67
00:02:25,252 --> 00:02:26,485
Oh...
68
00:02:26,510 --> 00:02:27,938
Is Greg in a mood?
69
00:02:27,963 --> 00:02:29,081
Stop it, Heather.
70
00:02:29,106 --> 00:02:30,502
Yes, Greg's in a mood.
71
00:02:30,504 --> 00:02:33,038
I am not in a mood, Mom! Gosh!
72
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,345
Oh, it's almost midnight.
73
00:02:34,370 --> 00:02:35,967
Hey Greg, why don't
you join us over here?
74
00:02:35,992 --> 00:02:38,045
I don't know, why
don't you take a guess?
75
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:39,670
Maybe it's because I don't wanna.
76
00:02:39,695 --> 00:02:41,046
He didn't give me time to guess.
77
00:02:41,048 --> 00:02:42,781
Yeah, no, just ignore him.
78
00:02:42,783 --> 00:02:44,950
All right, you guys, come
on, ball's gonna drop!
79
00:02:44,952 --> 00:02:47,252
MAN (on TV): All right, America.
Get ready to say good-bye
80
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:48,954
- to 1999!
- Ten!
81
00:02:49,392 --> 00:02:50,691
Nine!
82
00:02:50,813 --> 00:02:54,116
- Eight! Seven! Six!
- (gun cocking)
83
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,667
Do you think anything
bad's going to happen?
84
00:02:55,692 --> 00:02:57,267
If it does, the scariest thing is that
85
00:02:57,292 --> 00:02:58,920
we're living in a world
where my dad is right
86
00:02:58,945 --> 00:02:59,931
and we were wrong.
87
00:03:00,401 --> 00:03:01,911
ALL: Two!
88
00:03:01,936 --> 00:03:02,834
One. One.
89
00:03:02,961 --> 00:03:04,620
- Happy new year!
- Happy new year!
90
00:03:04,645 --> 00:03:07,045
(cheering, exclaiming) Oh...
91
00:03:07,651 --> 00:03:09,317
(whispering): It's Y2K.
92
00:03:09,342 --> 00:03:10,575
Dad was right.
93
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:12,558
Call me John!
94
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:13,401
(gun cocks)
95
00:03:13,426 --> 00:03:14,179
Oh!
96
00:03:14,799 --> 00:03:16,056
Let's go.
97
00:03:16,081 --> 00:03:17,513
TIM: I got your six, John!
98
00:03:19,609 --> 00:03:21,381
Everyone start boarding up the windows
99
00:03:21,406 --> 00:03:23,555
before the looters get here.
100
00:03:23,557 --> 00:03:25,090
- Um, honey?
- Hmm?
101
00:03:25,092 --> 00:03:27,520
If there's a worldwide power outage,
102
00:03:27,552 --> 00:03:28,757
why are we the only ones
103
00:03:28,782 --> 00:03:29,828
without power?
104
00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:32,897
Hmm, there's a lot less
chaos than I expected.
105
00:03:32,899 --> 00:03:34,933
But I'm still going to shoot my shotgun.
106
00:03:35,366 --> 00:03:36,434
(sniffing)
107
00:03:36,436 --> 00:03:37,769
Do you guys smell something burning?
108
00:03:37,771 --> 00:03:39,504
(all sniffing)
109
00:03:40,036 --> 00:03:41,903
TIM: Oh! Fire!
110
00:03:43,717 --> 00:03:46,270
(coughing): My generator
knocked out the power.
111
00:03:46,295 --> 00:03:47,379
HEATHER: Oh, wait, Dad!
112
00:03:47,381 --> 00:03:49,504
Isn't that where we hid the money?
113
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:51,650
JOHN: My $17,000!
114
00:03:51,652 --> 00:03:54,252
$17,000?!
115
00:03:54,706 --> 00:03:55,939
Good job, Timmy.
116
00:03:56,618 --> 00:03:57,917
Babe, you were pretty hot
117
00:03:57,942 --> 00:03:59,408
putting out that fire.
118
00:03:59,433 --> 00:04:00,392
Yeah, that's...
119
00:04:00,394 --> 00:04:01,393
You're a real hero.
120
00:04:01,395 --> 00:04:03,867
- Dr. Tim Hughes.
- That's right.
121
00:04:03,892 --> 00:04:05,540
- Oh God, that scared me.
- Okay!
122
00:04:05,565 --> 00:04:07,317
Don't... it's okay.
123
00:04:08,794 --> 00:04:11,091
I guess I was hoping that Y2K happened
124
00:04:11,116 --> 00:04:12,137
so that everybody
125
00:04:12,139 --> 00:04:15,436
would have to move back home
and we could be like we were
126
00:04:15,461 --> 00:04:16,808
before they left us.
127
00:04:16,810 --> 00:04:21,230
How about we have a weekly brunch
128
00:04:21,255 --> 00:04:25,450
and we lure everyone here
with plates of free food.
129
00:04:25,888 --> 00:04:26,962
How about that?
130
00:04:27,275 --> 00:04:30,210
Okay, well, but if that doesn't work,
131
00:04:30,235 --> 00:04:33,758
there's always the Mayan
apocalypse of 2012, huh?
132
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,311
Yes, there's that to look forward to.
133
00:04:36,336 --> 00:04:37,218
Yeah.
134
00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:38,430
And our grandchild.
135
00:04:38,432 --> 00:04:39,840
Sweet Tyler,
136
00:04:39,865 --> 00:04:41,798
he's going to be a millennial.
137
00:04:42,902 --> 00:04:44,769
The best generation yet.
138
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,745
_
139
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,744
_
140
00:04:53,649 --> 00:04:55,048
Okay, so it's a C-section,
141
00:04:55,073 --> 00:04:56,347
I'll be in the hospital three days.
142
00:04:56,349 --> 00:04:58,650
5:00 to 5:30, organic meal time,
143
00:04:58,652 --> 00:05:00,808
5:30 to 6:00,
144
00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:02,183
classical music.
145
00:05:02,208 --> 00:05:04,656
And then I like to end the
day with a little bit of fun.
146
00:05:04,658 --> 00:05:07,525
Oh, well, at least the
evening ends with some fun.
147
00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:08,960
Yeah, and obviously FUN
148
00:05:08,962 --> 00:05:11,768
is Fundamentals and
Understanding Numbers.
149
00:05:12,643 --> 00:05:15,200
I should have been around
more when you were a kid.
150
00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:17,180
There's my little angels!
151
00:05:17,205 --> 00:05:19,506
Bonjour, Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop.
152
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:21,694
Look! I built a feeling!
153
00:05:21,719 --> 00:05:23,842
Oh, isn't that pretty!
154
00:05:23,844 --> 00:05:25,577
Yeah, and ugly.
155
00:05:25,930 --> 00:05:28,541
We apply a negative
word to counterbalance
156
00:05:28,566 --> 00:05:30,181
every positive one, so the kids see
157
00:05:30,183 --> 00:05:31,483
that there's beauty in failure.
158
00:05:31,485 --> 00:05:32,372
Oh.
159
00:05:32,397 --> 00:05:34,096
That's so wonderful...
160
00:05:34,759 --> 00:05:35,985
and stupid.
161
00:05:36,823 --> 00:05:38,123
Did I do it right?
162
00:05:38,312 --> 00:05:39,678
- (door opens, closes)
- (chuckles)
163
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:41,159
Five miles!
164
00:05:41,807 --> 00:05:44,503
Or roughly the length of
the new Coldplay album.
165
00:05:44,528 --> 00:05:46,583
Ah, that sea breeze
running through the old pony
166
00:05:46,608 --> 00:05:47,442
sure feels good.
167
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:49,096
So you took a run right before
168
00:05:49,121 --> 00:05:51,013
your wife's having your third baby?
169
00:05:51,038 --> 00:05:52,758
Yeah, if I don't
exercise, I start thinking.
170
00:05:52,783 --> 00:05:54,227
If I start thinking, I start feeling.
171
00:05:54,252 --> 00:05:56,119
If I start feeling, I start eating.
172
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:57,319
Nobody wants that.
173
00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,536
Well, the fastest my
heart's gonna beat today
174
00:05:59,561 --> 00:06:01,745
is when I'm watching
Wheel of Fortune, eh?
175
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:07,463
Oh that's right, you public
radio types don't have TV.
176
00:06:07,488 --> 00:06:10,758
Ugh, no Dad, TV is the
lazy parents' crutch.
177
00:06:10,783 --> 00:06:12,434
We like our imaginations
178
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:13,854
to be the screen.
179
00:06:13,879 --> 00:06:16,721
All right, kiddos, time
to go brush those teeth!
180
00:06:16,746 --> 00:06:18,373
Yay! Longest brush wins!
181
00:06:18,398 --> 00:06:20,131
Oh, you're going down!
182
00:06:20,188 --> 00:06:22,563
- But our teeth are the real winners.
- Yeah.
183
00:06:22,588 --> 00:06:24,502
Ah, can't wait to add another.
184
00:06:24,504 --> 00:06:27,839
Oh, I know, babe, they
really are such blessings...
185
00:06:27,841 --> 00:06:29,707
(baby crying)
186
00:06:29,709 --> 00:06:31,910
(kids arguing)
187
00:06:31,912 --> 00:06:34,445
Tim, the other two
did not cry like this!
188
00:06:34,447 --> 00:06:35,713
Sophia is broken!
189
00:06:35,715 --> 00:06:37,349
She is a broken baby!
190
00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:39,150
No, no, the doctor said it's colic.
191
00:06:39,152 --> 00:06:41,286
It'll stop in like four months.
192
00:06:41,288 --> 00:06:43,488
We cannot endure four
months of this crap!
193
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,256
- Help!
- (crying continues)
194
00:06:45,258 --> 00:06:46,491
Eat blocks, nerd!
195
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:48,226
- Knock it off, nerd!
- Tim!
196
00:06:48,228 --> 00:06:49,919
- Mom!
- Samantha!
197
00:06:49,944 --> 00:06:52,325
You know that is not
how we resolve conflict,
198
00:06:52,350 --> 00:06:54,778
we raise our hearts,
we lower our voices.
199
00:06:54,803 --> 00:06:56,167
You don't care about me anymore!
200
00:06:56,169 --> 00:06:57,836
You just care about your new baby!
201
00:06:57,838 --> 00:06:59,745
- You got that right!
- (Sophia crying)
202
00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:02,372
- Oh, no you didn't!
- Oh my God, Tim,
203
00:07:02,397 --> 00:07:03,374
we are losing it!
204
00:07:03,376 --> 00:07:05,735
They are expressing anger and aggression
205
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,658
verbally for the first time.
206
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,697
Well, it's probably because
they haven't exercised!
207
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,062
I know that's my problem.
208
00:07:12,087 --> 00:07:14,266
- Oh, my God.
- I mean if only there was something
209
00:07:14,291 --> 00:07:16,047
that could entertain them,
210
00:07:16,072 --> 00:07:18,325
you know, while I go for a run...
211
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:21,213
Oh dude, we are so not caving! No TV!
212
00:07:21,238 --> 00:07:23,382
We're not going to have
wide-eyed zombie kids.
213
00:07:23,407 --> 00:07:24,407
What, what's gonna happen next?
214
00:07:24,432 --> 00:07:25,930
They're going to stop
making their own almond milk?
215
00:07:25,932 --> 00:07:27,699
Oh please, if they're
growing the almonds
216
00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:29,067
they're going to make the milk.
217
00:07:29,092 --> 00:07:30,788
Oh, I have an idea.
218
00:07:30,813 --> 00:07:33,982
We get Matt to entertain those two
219
00:07:34,007 --> 00:07:35,273
so we can have a break.
220
00:07:35,275 --> 00:07:36,208
We can't do that!
221
00:07:36,233 --> 00:07:37,819
Matt's not gonna babysit our kids!
222
00:07:37,844 --> 00:07:39,210
He's a cool artist!
223
00:07:39,212 --> 00:07:41,679
He lives in a loft, his bed is a loft...
224
00:07:41,681 --> 00:07:43,314
it's all lofts over there!
225
00:07:43,316 --> 00:07:48,319
(steadily building rock music)
226
00:07:56,330 --> 00:07:58,383
This song is blowing my mind!
227
00:07:58,408 --> 00:08:00,403
I can't believe we've
been listening to Wagner
228
00:08:00,428 --> 00:08:02,033
for five years.
229
00:08:02,035 --> 00:08:05,436
Why do you get the kids' cups
and we get the grown-up cups?
230
00:08:05,438 --> 00:08:08,414
Because good things come
in small packages, like you.
231
00:08:08,938 --> 00:08:10,100
Here you go, sweetie.
232
00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:12,732
What kind of fruit is this?
233
00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:15,247
You've never had French fries before?
234
00:08:17,699 --> 00:08:19,827
- No, Tim, no!
- Don't you do it!
235
00:08:19,852 --> 00:08:21,550
Oh no, you can't go down that road,
236
00:08:21,575 --> 00:08:22,835
once you start you won't
be able to get back.
237
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:24,699
You have an obsessive personality, babe.
238
00:08:24,724 --> 00:08:26,952
I'm just so stressed out.
239
00:08:26,977 --> 00:08:29,488
I haven't been tempted
since my bachelor party.
240
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:32,563
I still dream about that buffet.
241
00:08:33,242 --> 00:08:35,633
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
242
00:08:36,073 --> 00:08:37,641
She stopped crying, we did it.
243
00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:39,771
No, I just turned down the monitor.
244
00:08:39,773 --> 00:08:41,039
I couldn't stand it anymore.
245
00:08:41,041 --> 00:08:42,941
Hey, we're home!
246
00:08:42,943 --> 00:08:44,072
Mom, guess what!
247
00:08:44,097 --> 00:08:46,778
Turns out we're not allergic to soda!
248
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:49,345
Okay, that's good.
249
00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:51,182
MATT: You all right, Timmy?
250
00:08:51,184 --> 00:08:52,216
No, Matt.
251
00:08:52,218 --> 00:08:53,718
(Heather groaning)
252
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,326
Our lives are spinning
out of control, Mom.
253
00:08:57,451 --> 00:09:00,318
Tim has lost so much hair
there's hardly any ponytail
254
00:09:00,343 --> 00:09:02,260
there to grab onto
when we're making love.
255
00:09:02,262 --> 00:09:05,406
Well, honey, you have a difficult baby,
256
00:09:05,431 --> 00:09:07,558
and that changes the family dynamic.
257
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:09,950
I should know. I had
a difficult one too.
258
00:09:10,393 --> 00:09:12,360
- Greg?
- No.
259
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,851
- Matt?
- No.
260
00:09:15,312 --> 00:09:16,745
Yes.
261
00:09:17,377 --> 00:09:20,005
You were a little monster.
262
00:09:20,030 --> 00:09:22,831
But as my wise mother once said to me,
263
00:09:23,116 --> 00:09:26,751
"I've already done this
crap, you figure it out"
264
00:09:28,419 --> 00:09:29,873
_
265
00:09:30,105 --> 00:09:31,605
(sound effects on TV)
266
00:09:31,630 --> 00:09:34,359
Giving up is so good.
267
00:09:34,361 --> 00:09:36,273
Yeah, we should have done this years go.
268
00:09:36,298 --> 00:09:37,697
Principles are for losers.
269
00:09:39,043 --> 00:09:40,059
(loud explosion)
270
00:09:40,084 --> 00:09:42,270
I've never seen a head
explode like that before,
271
00:09:42,295 --> 00:09:44,528
- and I'm a doctor.
- (Heather laughing)
272
00:09:46,631 --> 00:09:48,531
(laughing)
273
00:09:48,556 --> 00:09:50,543
I only saw Marty throw up,
274
00:09:50,568 --> 00:09:52,241
I didn't realize they both did.
275
00:09:52,266 --> 00:09:54,943
- Hey, Greg.
- What... what else did Meemaw say?
276
00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:59,435
_
277
00:10:02,691 --> 00:10:03,935
Ta-da!
278
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,394
Honey, you didn't have to do this
279
00:10:05,419 --> 00:10:06,851
all the way from the elevator.
280
00:10:06,992 --> 00:10:07,881
Of course I did.
281
00:10:07,921 --> 00:10:09,677
We're married now, this
is how you're gonna get
282
00:10:09,702 --> 00:10:11,235
from place to place.
283
00:10:11,401 --> 00:10:13,134
Well, I guess it does kind
of make up for the fact
284
00:10:13,139 --> 00:10:14,805
that you look like a
jack-o'-lantern during our wedding.
285
00:10:14,807 --> 00:10:16,507
Well, I told you, being married
286
00:10:16,509 --> 00:10:19,613
to a ping-pong champion is not easy.
287
00:10:20,146 --> 00:10:23,255
(giggling) Aw, honey.
288
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:24,732
That is so sweet.
289
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:25,849
Thank you.
290
00:10:25,851 --> 00:10:27,117
Oh, I didn't do it.
291
00:10:27,704 --> 00:10:28,809
What?
292
00:10:31,081 --> 00:10:35,125
"May all of your nights together
be as romantic as this one.
293
00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:37,394
Enjoy each other in every way."
294
00:10:37,993 --> 00:10:39,171
From the hotel?
295
00:10:39,331 --> 00:10:40,265
That's kind of creepy.
296
00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:41,489
"Love, Mom."
297
00:10:41,666 --> 00:10:43,901
Oh, wow, okay, that's even creepier.
298
00:10:44,083 --> 00:10:45,716
I wonder which mom it was.
299
00:10:45,741 --> 00:10:48,975
I'm going to guess the one
who cut in on our first dance.
300
00:10:49,348 --> 00:10:51,375
But it's just, like, a random guess.
301
00:10:51,662 --> 00:10:53,769
Mom, you and Dad have always been proof
302
00:10:53,794 --> 00:10:55,761
of what a great marriage can be.
303
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:57,820
Yeah, I know, she did look beautiful,
304
00:10:57,845 --> 00:10:59,928
and she just nailed that
"Chattanooga Choo-Choo"
305
00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:01,508
didn't she? (laughs)
306
00:11:01,664 --> 00:11:03,484
Yeah, no, I'm lucky to be her husband.
307
00:11:03,509 --> 00:11:04,899
(softly): Greg.
308
00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:08,331
Well, I think it's
very nice that they paid
309
00:11:08,356 --> 00:11:09,737
for the rehearsal dinner.
310
00:11:10,532 --> 00:11:13,099
Well, look, Mom, they're trying.
311
00:11:13,124 --> 00:11:14,031
(whispering): Greg.
312
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:16,241
(booming laugh)
313
00:11:16,273 --> 00:11:18,279
I only saw Marty throw up.
314
00:11:18,304 --> 00:11:19,848
I didn't realize they both did.
315
00:11:19,873 --> 00:11:20,848
Hey, Greg.
316
00:11:20,873 --> 00:11:22,606
What-what else did Meemaw say?
317
00:11:22,608 --> 00:11:24,911
Greg, aren't you forgetting
about someone else here?
318
00:11:24,936 --> 00:11:27,243
Oh, yeah, hey Mom, Jen says hi.
319
00:11:27,268 --> 00:11:29,980
All right, well, I love you too.
320
00:11:30,152 --> 00:11:31,418
No, I love you.
321
00:11:31,443 --> 00:11:32,653
No, you... ow!
322
00:11:32,678 --> 00:11:34,184
What?
323
00:11:34,186 --> 00:11:35,919
(sighs)
324
00:11:36,576 --> 00:11:39,156
Mom, I'm going to have to
call you back in two minutes.
325
00:11:43,213 --> 00:11:45,649
It has been great seeing all
of our friends and family,
326
00:11:45,674 --> 00:11:46,920
but I am so tired
327
00:11:46,945 --> 00:11:48,781
of hearing everyone's marriage advice.
328
00:11:48,806 --> 00:11:50,291
I know, I'm like starting to get angry
329
00:11:50,316 --> 00:11:52,120
that I'm not allowed to
go to bed angry, you know.
330
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,281
Well, all we got to do
is go to one more brunch,
331
00:11:54,306 --> 00:11:56,974
and then Mr. and Mrs. Short
are on a flight to Bora Bora.
332
00:11:56,976 --> 00:11:58,497
Mm... Mrs. Short.
333
00:11:58,522 --> 00:11:59,977
I like the sound of that.
334
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,045
Speaking of which,
335
00:12:02,070 --> 00:12:04,099
the other Mrs. Short
wants to stop by our house
336
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,908
real quick just to say
good-bye before we leave.
337
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:06,850
Is that cool?
338
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,152
Um, actually, honey,
339
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:10,793
you know I love your mom.
340
00:12:10,867 --> 00:12:12,905
And I mean really love her.
341
00:12:12,930 --> 00:12:15,911
It just, it feels a little
bit like she's kind of
342
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:19,082
up in our business a
lot, especially lately.
343
00:12:19,107 --> 00:12:20,746
Does it feel that way to you?
344
00:12:20,771 --> 00:12:21,965
I don't know.
345
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:23,667
I mean, I can ask her.
You want me to ask her?
346
00:12:23,669 --> 00:12:24,697
No, no, no. No, no, no.
347
00:12:24,722 --> 00:12:26,275
Definitely don't do that.
348
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:30,102
What I think it is, is I think
that now that you're mine,
349
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:34,195
she's just having a hard
time passing that Greg torch.
350
00:12:34,392 --> 00:12:36,262
Honey, come here.
351
00:12:36,287 --> 00:12:38,467
I'm yours, all right?
352
00:12:38,537 --> 00:12:40,815
Yours, only, forever and ever.
353
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,606
I promise, okay? Okay.
354
00:12:44,093 --> 00:12:45,396
This is all really flattering.
355
00:12:45,421 --> 00:12:48,044
I've never had two women
fight over me before.
356
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:50,485
Ah, honey, that's not what this is.
357
00:12:50,588 --> 00:12:51,614
Mmm.
358
00:12:52,673 --> 00:12:53,639
All right, honey,
359
00:12:53,664 --> 00:12:55,048
you take care of the contraceptives,
360
00:12:55,073 --> 00:12:57,406
I'll take care of the antacids.
361
00:12:58,423 --> 00:12:59,856
Greg?
362
00:13:01,659 --> 00:13:02,925
Honey?
363
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,383
Greg?
364
00:13:05,281 --> 00:13:06,520
Jen!
365
00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:08,684
- Oh...
- I am just finishing up.
366
00:13:08,709 --> 00:13:09,942
Would you tell Greg
367
00:13:09,967 --> 00:13:12,762
I packed him three
pairs of underwear a day.
368
00:13:12,787 --> 00:13:16,339
An everyday pair, a romantic
pair, and a whoopsie.
369
00:13:17,276 --> 00:13:18,675
(quietly): "A whoopsie."
370
00:13:21,813 --> 00:13:23,246
JEN: Hey, Greg,
371
00:13:23,248 --> 00:13:25,569
your mom is packing your suitcase.
372
00:13:25,594 --> 00:13:26,660
Yeah?
373
00:13:27,085 --> 00:13:28,337
For our honeymoon.
374
00:13:28,362 --> 00:13:30,581
Yeah, she's really good at it.
375
00:13:30,606 --> 00:13:33,258
She's got amazing spatial relations.
376
00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:35,740
She once put a whole Thanksgiving dinner
377
00:13:35,765 --> 00:13:37,418
into my lunch bag.
378
00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:38,542
Cool, cool.
379
00:13:38,574 --> 00:13:40,946
Hey, honey, can I talk to you
in the other room for a minute?
380
00:13:40,971 --> 00:13:44,047
Just very quickly, very,
very almost urgently?
381
00:13:45,922 --> 00:13:48,847
Wife's already got the
nagging thing down I see.
382
00:13:48,872 --> 00:13:51,573
Dad, not cool.
383
00:13:52,558 --> 00:13:54,878
(quietly): God, this is 2011.
384
00:13:55,139 --> 00:13:56,365
What's up?
385
00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:58,661
Um, okay, look, this has gone too far,
386
00:13:58,686 --> 00:13:59,374
all right?
387
00:13:59,399 --> 00:14:01,106
I'm sorry, but your
mom, she needs to stop.
388
00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:04,064
You need to pack your own
suitcase for your honeymoon.
389
00:14:04,089 --> 00:14:06,025
Honey, what is the big deal, all right?
390
00:14:06,050 --> 00:14:07,166
It makes her happy.
391
00:14:07,191 --> 00:14:09,110
Yes, but, you're my man now,
392
00:14:09,135 --> 00:14:13,562
and as my man, I just, I
need you to be your own man.
393
00:14:13,587 --> 00:14:15,157
Hey look, I get it.
394
00:14:15,579 --> 00:14:18,320
Married men pack their own suitcases.
395
00:14:18,345 --> 00:14:19,807
All men do.
396
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:28,511
Hi, Short, we reserved
a table by the water.
397
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:32,817
I'm so sorry, we're not
going to be able to seat you.
398
00:14:32,842 --> 00:14:34,083
Why?
399
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:37,467
We require all men to
wear a collared shirt.
400
00:14:37,732 --> 00:14:39,432
And pants.
401
00:14:40,036 --> 00:14:41,272
And shoes.
402
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,897
But I'm wearing shoes. Sea shoes.
403
00:14:45,347 --> 00:14:47,002
Do you think you could
just make an exception
404
00:14:47,027 --> 00:14:48,171
this one time?
405
00:14:48,196 --> 00:14:51,388
You see, he packed his own
suitcase for the first time.
406
00:14:51,413 --> 00:14:53,009
And while he may have
forgotten, you know,
407
00:14:53,034 --> 00:14:56,226
a few things, I really
am very proud of him.
408
00:14:56,251 --> 00:14:59,024
My mom used to pack for me.
409
00:14:59,049 --> 00:15:01,732
- (laughing)
- Oh, I see.
410
00:15:01,794 --> 00:15:03,346
Well good job, buddy!
411
00:15:03,348 --> 00:15:06,593
Here, let me get you a
place mat and some crayons.
412
00:15:07,035 --> 00:15:09,052
We have a fish tank you're gonna love.
413
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:10,745
Does she think I'm...
414
00:15:10,770 --> 00:15:13,403
Just go with it, I need a drink.
415
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:17,621
I'm sorry, are you Will?
416
00:15:17,646 --> 00:15:19,312
Yeah, man, yeah.
417
00:15:19,337 --> 00:15:21,418
Hey, if there's a Will,
there's a way, okay?
418
00:15:21,443 --> 00:15:23,877
Out of her apartment
before she wakes up.
419
00:15:26,208 --> 00:15:27,975
_
420
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:33,495
JOAN: Knock-knock!
421
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:36,254
Chicken soup for the
emotionally wrecked soul.
422
00:15:36,665 --> 00:15:37,561
Thanks, Mom.
423
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:39,730
Honey, why don't we ask your dad
424
00:15:39,755 --> 00:15:41,088
for a pair of his pajamas
425
00:15:41,113 --> 00:15:43,527
and that way you can
keep this outfit fresh
426
00:15:43,552 --> 00:15:45,707
for any job interviews
you might want to go on?
427
00:15:45,732 --> 00:15:47,331
Oh, no, Mom, I'm an artist.
428
00:15:47,356 --> 00:15:49,490
I'm not going on any job
interviews for the man.
429
00:15:49,655 --> 00:15:51,922
Honey, I think you're
too white to say that.
430
00:15:52,694 --> 00:15:55,115
Don't tell Dad that I'm
in here. Or anybody else.
431
00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:57,560
That I'm sleeping in the
garage, and I've lost everything.
432
00:15:57,585 --> 00:15:59,569
They all predicted that I
was going to be a failure,
433
00:15:59,594 --> 00:16:02,404
and I just... I'm going
to wait as long as possible
434
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:03,415
before telling them,
435
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,241
or at least until Greg
flips another golf cart.
436
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,432
Great brunch, Joanie.
437
00:16:08,852 --> 00:16:09,963
And save some of that meat.
438
00:16:09,988 --> 00:16:11,962
I'm going to put it in my traps.
439
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:14,144
You're setting traps? What for?
440
00:16:14,146 --> 00:16:16,498
Well, there's some kind
of critter rummaging around
441
00:16:16,523 --> 00:16:17,264
in my garage.
442
00:16:17,289 --> 00:16:18,982
If the traps don't work,
443
00:16:19,272 --> 00:16:21,349
I'm going to get myself a pet owl.
444
00:16:21,420 --> 00:16:23,520
Although I might do that anyway.
445
00:16:23,522 --> 00:16:26,123
Hey, where are Matt and Bonnie?
Are we allowed to skip this?
446
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:28,625
Knowing her, she probably
took all his money and ran off.
447
00:16:28,627 --> 00:16:31,899
Oh, I wish I could just
call them and say, "Wake up!
448
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,598
Wake up!"
449
00:16:33,623 --> 00:16:35,298
Mom, why are you yelling?
450
00:16:35,610 --> 00:16:36,466
Am I?
451
00:16:36,468 --> 00:16:37,467
- (metallic snapping)
- MATT: Ow!
452
00:16:37,469 --> 00:16:39,025
My trap!
453
00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:41,169
Oh, don't worry, I got the humane kind.
454
00:16:41,194 --> 00:16:44,178
Although now that I think
about it, I may not have.
455
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:45,842
(Matt muttering)
456
00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:50,570
Oh, good, everyone's here to see this.
457
00:16:50,595 --> 00:16:51,381
JOHN: Matt,
458
00:16:51,383 --> 00:16:52,258
take that off.
459
00:16:52,283 --> 00:16:55,217
That was supposed to catch the
critter living in my garage.
460
00:16:55,670 --> 00:16:57,187
It did.
461
00:16:58,850 --> 00:16:59,959
Yeah, you know, Mom,
462
00:16:59,984 --> 00:17:01,372
I-I-I can't tell them.
463
00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:02,530
Could you, please?
464
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:03,587
Yeah.
465
00:17:03,612 --> 00:17:06,282
Um, Bonnie left him, but..
466
00:17:07,399 --> 00:17:09,032
She took all his money.
467
00:17:09,543 --> 00:17:11,234
But his art...
468
00:17:12,125 --> 00:17:13,298
is a bust.
469
00:17:13,772 --> 00:17:15,205
But!
470
00:17:16,138 --> 00:17:17,615
He's homeless.
471
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,637
Wow, thank you, Mom.
472
00:17:20,179 --> 00:17:22,546
I don't think this could
get any more humiliating.
473
00:17:22,548 --> 00:17:25,750
Matt, honey, I am so sorry.
474
00:17:25,775 --> 00:17:27,742
And your fly is down.
475
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,514
What's all this?
476
00:17:40,539 --> 00:17:41,842
Oh!
477
00:17:42,716 --> 00:17:46,046
Well, I figured if you didn't
want to move up to your bedroom,
478
00:17:46,071 --> 00:17:47,967
I'd move the bedroom down to you.
479
00:17:48,413 --> 00:17:50,123
Dad, this is all Greg's stuff.
480
00:17:50,148 --> 00:17:54,541
Well, his life is going good,
so he's not going to need it.
481
00:17:56,679 --> 00:17:57,681
Sit down.
482
00:17:58,712 --> 00:18:00,984
You know, I know I haven't
been really agreeable
483
00:18:00,986 --> 00:18:03,148
about your bohemian lifestyle,
484
00:18:03,173 --> 00:18:06,504
but losing everything just
means you have more to gain.
485
00:18:07,371 --> 00:18:09,017
Without all those distractions,
486
00:18:09,042 --> 00:18:11,828
who knows what you're capable of?
487
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:13,740
That's a good point.
488
00:18:14,495 --> 00:18:18,343
My life can really be all
about focusing on my art.
489
00:18:18,368 --> 00:18:19,294
Oh, no, no, no, no.
490
00:18:19,319 --> 00:18:21,067
You got to stop with that nonsense.
491
00:18:21,209 --> 00:18:23,866
I called a buddy and I got you a job
492
00:18:23,891 --> 00:18:27,596
with his company that
makes airline snacks.
493
00:18:27,682 --> 00:18:29,815
The pay is peanuts.
494
00:18:29,958 --> 00:18:31,958
Unless you choose pretzels.
495
00:18:36,697 --> 00:18:38,543
WILL: Okay, new guy, here are the rules.
496
00:18:38,568 --> 00:18:40,001
This is my mug.
497
00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:40,904
What's the rule?
498
00:18:40,944 --> 00:18:43,081
(chuckling): That's right, you get it.
499
00:18:43,106 --> 00:18:45,051
And this right here is my "pube-icle."
500
00:18:45,076 --> 00:18:48,032
"Pube-icle," I copyrighted
that, so same rules as the mug.
501
00:18:48,057 --> 00:18:49,360
I'm sorry, I still don't get the rules.
502
00:18:49,385 --> 00:18:50,582
Ah, you're going to fit in just fine.
503
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:53,708
Oh, Saturday night at Boomers goes off!
504
00:18:54,164 --> 00:18:56,812
Much like the panties of the ladies
who work at this establishment.
505
00:18:56,837 --> 00:18:58,023
Oh, wow, huh.
506
00:18:58,048 --> 00:18:59,453
Sounds like you've slept
with a lot of coworkers.
507
00:18:59,478 --> 00:19:01,780
Not that many or any,
508
00:19:01,805 --> 00:19:04,139
but I have been laying
a lot of groundwork
509
00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:05,697
over the last 12 years.
510
00:19:05,722 --> 00:19:07,723
It's like waiting for a
slot machine to pay off,
511
00:19:07,748 --> 00:19:09,711
or in this case, a slut machine.
512
00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:10,511
(laughs)
513
00:19:10,922 --> 00:19:12,255
Instead of pulling a lever,
514
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,092
you're pulling on my dong.
515
00:19:14,117 --> 00:19:16,084
Ding-dong. Who's there? Will's there.
516
00:19:16,086 --> 00:19:17,352
I'm sorry, are you Will?
517
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,337
Yeah, man, yeah.
518
00:19:19,362 --> 00:19:21,489
Hey, if there's a Will,
there's a way, okay.
519
00:19:21,491 --> 00:19:23,291
Out of her apartment
before she wakes up.
520
00:19:23,293 --> 00:19:24,859
- (laughing)
- (meek chuckle)
521
00:19:25,244 --> 00:19:27,399
I'm sorry, that's just locker room talk.
522
00:19:27,424 --> 00:19:29,297
Yeah, I'm going to remember you.
523
00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:30,331
Oh.
524
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:32,213
I'm gonna remember you as that gross guy
525
00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:35,276
that I met the day I almost
took a job in the wrong place.
526
00:19:37,691 --> 00:19:38,905
COLLEEN: Hey!
527
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:41,509
What?
528
00:19:41,511 --> 00:19:43,778
- I didn't mean!
- Oh, I'm sorry!
529
00:19:43,780 --> 00:19:46,011
W-Why are you apologizing?
530
00:19:46,036 --> 00:19:47,469
I'm the one who hit you.
531
00:19:48,017 --> 00:19:50,151
You're right, I'm sorry.
532
00:19:50,153 --> 00:19:52,387
- (laughs)
- I'm Colleen Ortega.
533
00:19:52,389 --> 00:19:53,848
I run HR here.
534
00:19:54,996 --> 00:19:56,056
Matt Short.
535
00:19:56,081 --> 00:19:59,015
The new... the new guy,
right, of course, um...
536
00:19:59,329 --> 00:20:01,963
It's really nice to
meet you, Colleen Ortega.
537
00:20:01,965 --> 00:20:03,464
I'm glad to have you aboard.
538
00:20:03,466 --> 00:20:05,133
Thanks, I'm...
539
00:20:05,969 --> 00:20:07,435
I'm happy to be here.
540
00:20:09,128 --> 00:20:13,106
My house in Budapest,my hidden treasure chest
541
00:20:13,131 --> 00:20:16,357
Golden grand piano,my beautiful Castillo
542
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,447
You, oh!You, oh!
543
00:20:19,449 --> 00:20:21,683
I'd leave it all
544
00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:27,896
My acres of a landI have achieved
545
00:20:27,921 --> 00:20:30,897
It may be hard for youto stop and believe
546
00:20:30,922 --> 00:20:33,306
But for you, oh
547
00:20:33,331 --> 00:20:38,266
You, oh, I'd leave it all
548
00:20:38,268 --> 00:20:40,670
Oh, for you, oh
549
00:20:40,695 --> 00:20:44,530
You, oh, I'd leave it all.
550
00:20:46,285 --> 00:20:47,702
Give me one good reason...
551
00:20:47,727 --> 00:20:48,739
Hey!
552
00:20:48,764 --> 00:20:50,230
Look who's back!
553
00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:52,170
Hey, Matt, this isn't the only hole
554
00:20:52,195 --> 00:20:53,928
I'm going to be in tonight.
555
00:20:54,616 --> 00:20:59,616
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556
00:20:59,666 --> 00:21:04,216
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