Original subtitles

_

Hey.

I-I got some brochures for... for honeymoon.

- Okay. Some really interesting places. - Oh.

- Mm? - Oh, they're all for Hawaii.

Oh, you like Hawaii too? That's great.

It's settled. We're gonna go to Hawaii.

Just imagine, we can hold hands, and we can go snorkeling, right?

Yeah, wow. Or...

- you know where else we can go? Gilroy. - Where?

- Gil... - Home of the world's largest

garlic festival.

What's wrong with snorkeling in Hawaii?

Oh, I can't swim, okay?

How do you not know how to swim?

My uncle taught everyone in my family to swim.

But during my first lesson,

I saw his testicles float out of his swim shorts.

I haven't gotten in the water since.

Or eaten figs.

I won't ever eat them again, either.

MATT: Hey, you're doing great.

- All right, I'm going to let go now. - No, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't let go, don't let go! If I go down, you go down with me!

That's what marriage is.

Okay, we're in four feet of water,

so there's no danger,

and also, I think it would probably be a pretty good idea

for us to swing by a pre-marital counselor

on our way home.

I'm so sorry, I just can't do this.

I will never be able to.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but you already are.

- (screams) - (grunts)

(overlapping shouting)

I got you, I got you, I got you, I got you.

- (cries) - Okay!

Okay, all right, now, just hold on to your noodles

and kick your feet.

And just pretend that the water is my face.

Is that mask really necessary?

- I'm taking it off. - Okay.

- All right. - Okay, ooh, ooh.

I'm doing it! I'm kicking!

Yay, that's great.

Okay, now, do it above the water.

I am doing it above water.

Okay, well, there's no splashing,

and somehow you're not really going anywhere.

- You calling me a liar, Matt? - No, no, I believe you,

I believe you, it's just that, uh, mmm...

You know what? Your methods don't work.

Swimming is dumb. This is dumb.

Okay, I can hear that you're frustrated,

and I'd really love to see you take some of that frustration

and just channel it into your kicking.

I am kicking!

Who even swims anymore?

We have cars!

You know what, forget this... I'm out of here.

Would you please pull me to the side of the pool

- so I can storm out? - Sure.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Slow down.

Okay.

We need to take a step back.

- Yeah, mm-hmm. - All right? I've been pushing you too hard.

So this is going to be a lesson about the physics of swimming.

Oh, yay, I love school.

(screams)

I'm sorry, I know that this is extreme,

but it's the way that my dad taught me

and it never fails.

Colleen?

Oh, jeez.

(sighs)

(coughing)

It's okay, all right, all right, all right.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

I'm going to get you a towel, okay?

Why would you do that?

I could've drowned!

I know, I know, I'm sorry.

And I can see now that you're not ready

for the second part of the lesson.

What was it, pushing me in again?

- Yes. - Oh, my God, Matt!

Look, I'm telling you how to swim

and you just won't listen.

Well, maybe you could be nicer.

Maybe you could stop whining.

Wow!

You know what?

Learning something new can be very stressful,

and it's really hard being criticized

by the person who's supposed to love you

and accept all your flaws.

I know, I know, you're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Look, I know you wanted to teach me how to swim,

but maybe we could have someone else...

Yeah, great, let's do it.

Really? You don't mind?

Baby, whatever gets us to Hawaii.

You already bought the tickets, didn't you?

Great job, Colleen!

I'm so proud of you... you know,

you're the only one who hasn't peed in the pool?

Okay, everybody.

Start blowing your bubbles again!

(inhale deeply)

Whoo-hoo-hoo! I'm swimming!

_

Okay, go ahead.

Is the camera running?

I don't see the little red light.

It's a phone, Pop-Pop.

There's no red light.

Oh, right... oh, all right, I'm John Bertram Short.

I'm 70 years old, and I'm applying to be on "Survivor"

because surviving is my middle name.

Wait, did I already say what my real middle name was?

It doesn't matter.

Oh, all right, uh...

yeah, this is more about looks and, uh, outdoor skills

and lighting a fire with your bare hands.

That's your fire cue, Tim.

I know, it's got a child lock on it.

You can just cut this part out.

- Whoa! - Huh?

- Nice work, John! - Yeah.

Tim is my son-in-law.

He'll tell you how much I love the show.

Oh, yeah, we're both huge fans.

(makes wheezing blast)

People always tell me how good I'd be on the show, too.

You know, surviving and whatnot.

No, you don't have what it takes to be on the show.

You need to manipulate people,

form an alliance with some dummy,

and then stab him in his emaciated back.

Yeah.

The best players are always finding some way

- to outfox someone. - Yeah.

Hey, John, why don't you let me be in the video with you?

You know, to show them how great you'd be?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

It is a good idea to have an ally.

I'm going to oil up for the next shot...

- all right? Yeah. - Yeah, that's smart... Sam.

Sam!

Film me.

Why? I'm supposed to be filming Pop-Pop.

- How much is he paying you? - Nothing.

I'll double it.

I'm turning this into my audition video now.

Why don't you just make your own?

Because outwitting somebody in theirs

is the ultimate blindside, right?

See, this way, Jeff Probst is going to know

how great I would be at this and how well I play this game.

All right?

Also, I've already submitted eight times,

and I got to find a new angle, so...

SAMANTHA: I'm recording.

Dr. Hughes is just verifying

that my health is off the charts.

Yup, I'm a licensed E.N.T., says so

right here on my I.D. badge, see?

"McDreamy?" Well, who wrote that there?

Probably one of those naughty girls at the office.

Well, what the girls like me for is my wonderful catchphrases,

like, "Catchphrase!"

How's that pulse, Doc?

A lot better than when you died on the table last year.

Luckily, I was there to save you.

You're the one who killed me.

That's right.

I can give life and I can take it away.

I can't believe they kept me home from school for this.

Now to show off my stamina.

Hey, thanks for the immunity necklace, Sam.

SAMANTHA: It's just Mom-Mom's wind chimes.

Oh.

Oh, anyway, now I'm going to stand on this log.

(wind chimes rattling)

I'm just making sure it's steady.

I don't want you to fall and sue,

which is kind of your thing.

Oh, been two hours, time to go to one foot.

What are you talking about? You just climbed up there.

(screaming, Samantha yelping)

Now we're going to show how good I look

coming up out of the water in slow motion.

SAMANTHA: Oh, hold on, I'll turn on the slow motion.

No, no.

I'll just move up slowly,

show them how water beads up off of well-tanned leather.

Where did you get that buff?

Oh, I go to the gym a lot.

No, I mean that thing on your head.

- That's called a buff. - Oh, I know.

I was just pointing out that I'm a doctor

who also goes to the gym a lot.

Wait a second, what are you saying?

Are you trying to steal my audition?

What? No!

- What? - You are!

SAMANTHA: I'll get Mom-Mom.

Oh, that is amazing.

It's like how my mom and uncle-dad fight in the tub.

TIM: How are you so strong? You're, like, 100!

(struggling)

So this clown tried to dupe me, but I sniffed him out,

which shows I'm cut out to be

on any island you can maroon me on.

Well, I'm sorry, John, you outplayed me.

So I'll tell you what, to make it up to you,

I'm going to edit this whole thing together

to show the real winner.

I'll even end it with a montage set to some cool music.

Really?

("Mighty Wings" by Cheap Trick playing)

(pulsing rock music playing)

Oooh...

(grunting)

(screams)

It's just a ball of dust underneath my feet.

Yeah.

It rolls around the sun

(exclaims)

MAN: Hey!

Oh, wait, I'm sorry, sorry.

(screams)

(foot squishes)

Just like all the rest

I look inside and dig it out

'Cause there's no points for second best.

There's a blazing fire in my heart tonight.

(grunting and bellowing)

(audio stops)

I mean, I've been doing this a long time,

but sometimes it is so obvious who you should cast,

it's almost annoying.

I hear you.

It's a no-brainer.

(video rewinding)

Slam dunk... get her info.

Who put all of our gum in the fridge?

Oh, the same guy who read the listicle entitled,

"30 Ways You're Doing Gum Wrong."

_

(knock at door)

Hi, honey.

Hey, Mom, Dad.

Yeah, surprise.

We were in the neighborhood

because we were driving over here.

Got a little bored at our house.

Where's Jen?

Oh, uh, she just started meditating.

Yeah, she'll be out in 20 minutes.

Ooh!

That's a high hill to climb.

WOMAN: Take a deep, cleansing breath.

(blowing out through lips)

For the next 20 minutes,

- close your eyes... - Hi-ya...

- and make friends - (clears throat)

with the black, expansive openness behind your eyelids.

All right, app lady.

Give it to me real, here we go.

I'm ready.

I'm getting Zen with it.

Focus on your breath.

(sighs)

Super-bored.

This is tr?s boring.

Oh, my God, wow.

Time is really standing still, okay.

Mm-hmm.

Imagine the stress evaporating from your earlobes.

My earlobes? No, I can't.

I just can't, I'm sorry, don't know you, and I hate you.

(phone giving off laser sounds) Oh, oh!

Yeah, yeah, yes, I did laser you.

And now you are dead.

Go, go, go... go, go, go!

(bell dings)

WOMAN: Your meditation has concluded.

Now open your eyes and notice how you feel.

Well, I feel great.

Now that I've showed those aliens who's boss.

Ha!

(television playing)

Oh, look at you!

Your face, it's just glowing.

It's like whatever's been pinching you all these years,

it finally let go.

Oh, well...

- Thank you. - So it's working?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I think meditation is my jam.

Whatever sands those rough edges.

It seems like a good time to tell you

we're going to be staying here next week

while we have our house tented.

Excuse me, what?

Cool, that sounds fun.

A little family slumber party.

See? And you said she'd say something biting.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did, you talked about it

the whole way over in the car.

Y-You said you weren't going

to let it ruin your night.

Know what?

I'm listening to my body right now,

and my body is telling me it needs round dos.

So I'm going to get my 'tate on,

and I will see you party animals in 20 minutes.

Okay?

Oh, you're on a spiritual path.

And that, my friends...

(loudly): is Yahtzee!

(whispers): It's Yahtzee. Oh, boy, oh, my God.

(mumbling contentedly)

Talk to me, Trina.

Ah, whoa, oh, that's a spot!

(bell dings)

WOMAN: Your meditation has concluded.

(sighs contentedly)

No, no, no.

So I am, I am in the operating theater

for the very first time in my life,

and just as the surgeon is about to cut

into the lady on the table, I lose it.

And by "it," I mean two burritos and a pumpkin pie!

I mean, I throw up all over the floor.

Before he knew it, this doctor, he's got two patients

- all of a sudden. - Two!

Do you know what? Will you excuse me?

It's actually time for my daily meditation practice.

- Oh, Jen, yeah, go, go, go, go! - Okay.

Oh, I love that you are just

tapping into your Zen like that.

Yeah, use our bedroom.

- It's for a good cause... - Yeah.

Jen's never-ending search for happiness.

Okay, well...

I'm really proud of her.

She's really sticking with it, meditates every day.

I don't even journal every day.

- (phone beeping) - Oh, come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, get that mushroom cloud.

(knock at door)

Oh, no!

(softly): Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt,

I just had to get away.

What? Sorry. Oof.

Just give me a second,

I was just... so deep.

Ah, I'm sorry.

MAN (on phone): Mushroom cloud! Level up!

(video game sound effect plays)

Was that a video game?

Mmm? No. Mm-mmm, no. That's crazy. What?

Yes, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

It's just, meditation...

sucks... for me, personally.

Not for, like, the world at large.

Like, I'd rather be checking Facebook or playing games.

Or, like seeing what '80s stars look like now.

Number 17 really did shock me.

That's more my meditation.

I cannot believe this, Jen.

This is why you've been excusing yourself

from family dinners and gatherings?

To play video games?

(whispers): I'm sorry.

That's the best thing I've ever heard of.

What? Really?

Yes!

Major life hack, right?

Because you can't tell people

you need 20 minutes of "me time."

I mean, we are grown-ass people.

But if you tell them you're meditating,

they celebrate you.

- I want in, yeah. - Yeah.

Because I can't listen to any more of Tim's stories.

You missed the end.

That woman on the table died.

No.

And she was a senator.

(gasps)

Well, a state senator, but still.

Still.

(Colleen clears throat)

Jen, will you ask Matt to pass the water?

Greg, will you please inform Colleen

that she won't drown in it?

(whispers): Oh, wow.

Wow, look at the time.

Yeah, time to meditate.

Oh, wow, that must be really nice for you guys

to have something you can do together

that doesn't tear you apart.

Well, probably because you're both at the same skill level.

(slurping)

That is so low.

Okay, I'm going to need a stronger mantra.

Aaah...

(chuckles): I love that you're doing this for me.

- I can't wait to see it. - Mm-hmm.

What is it?

Is it, like, a French braid?

No, but trust me,

you are going to look like a princess.

It's Princess Leia, isn't it?

Yeah.

Not putting on the outfit.

(disappointed): Oh.

WOMAN: Your meditation has concluded.

Boobs... what are they?

When will I get them, and what do I do with them?

Did Clementine have a tank top on this morning?

_

Hey, sweetie, I just made some turds on a log, you want some?

No, thanks.

My stomach hurts too much to eat turds.

Uh-oh, what's wrong, kiddo?

I think I might be pregnant.

(chokes and coughs)

You got it, you got it.

Hey, that's interesting.

So why do you think that?

Well, my friend Molly told me

that if you sit on the toilet for more than a minute,

you get pregnant.

Honey, we, we talked about this, okay?

Molly is an idiot.

Also, that's not how you get pregnant.

Yeah, otherwise Daddy would be

the most pregnant person in the world.

(sighs): Thank goodness.

I had no idea who the father was.

Okay, she is so confused.

Ah, she'll figure it out in college.

Mmm.

- This is fun, Mommy. - Yeah.

- I like hanging out, just us two. - Me, too.

(whispers): We're the best ones.

Right?

- Bam. - Mmmm.

Hey, remember how this afternoon,

you thought that you were pregnant?

Oh, yeah, dodged a bullet there.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Listen, it made me think that it's probably time

for you to learn how women actually become pregnant.

Have you heard of sex?

Is that the present that Tyler

always surprises Clementine with?

What?

He's always asking her if she likes it

when he gives it to her.

That's... nice. That's... uh-huh.

No, um, sex is something really special

between two adults who love each other.

- Like you and Daddy. - Exactly.

- Or you and Uncle Matt. - No, no, no, uh...

But you love him, don't you? And he's so cute.

That, that's a different kind of love.

It's also illegal.

But a great question.

So you just lead the way

and we are not going to stop until you get all your answers.

How much time do you have?

Because I've been wanting

to take this conversation past cooties for years now.

(bell ringing)

Sex.

It seems to be all your daughter Sophia can talk about.

(laughs): Okay, well...

I her "the talk" with her recently.

You know, Sophia had some questions,

and we thought that she should get answers from one of us

instead of, you know, a misinformed student

or Nicki Minaj.

Yes, but she wrote a story about Dora.

And I don't appreciate what Dora is exploring.

(softly): Oh, look at that, that's cute.

I don't know where she learned all of this from.

You just gave her the basic talk, right?

Yeah, it was just a little bit more than basic.

Just like a basic-plus, like a...

- What?! - Oh, my gosh.

You wouldn't even answer my questions about that.

That is such good...

Lookit, she is, like, so in the lines on that.

I don't know why you wouldn't just give her

the same kind of talk I gave Tyler.

Our son, you know, I just used a plug and a wall socket.

I got electrocuted,

but by the time I came to, it was all over.

HEATHER: I thought that I should

let Sophia's questions guide the conversation.

You know, I mean, I feel like we should just

be able to talk about sex... sex!

You know, I don't want her to feel shameful

about her sexuality... don't you agree?

No, I do not.

Oh.

And apparently during this talk,

Sophia was drinking beer?

My beers?!

(laughs): Root beers.

- My root beers?! - Okay.

Um, I'll talk to her,

and tell her not to talk about sex at school,

and this will never happen again.

- Thank you! - You're welcome.

I mean, I buy them... I should drink them!

He's talking about the root beers.

Yeah, not the kids, I didn't buy the kids.

I made them... like this.

- Waaa... - (chuckles)

Mmm.

Hey, remember that talk we had

- about sex? - Uh-huh.

I want you to know

that's not something that you share at school.

Okay? That's a private conversation

that you have at home, with your family.

In private... it's private.

(laughs)

What's so funny?

You said the word "private," like, ten times.

Okay, but you get it, right?

That's just for family.

- Got it... just family. - Okay, all right, good.

Let's get back to our brewskis.

(whispers): Man, I could drink these beers all day.

Right?

Thank you so much for having us.

I'm sorry that Matt and I were

a little late.

You guys having some sex?

Sophia!

You sure this is the level of openness that you want?

Absolutely... we're not going to have any shame about sex.

We should.

Okay, listen, Sophia and I

recently had "the talk,"

and I let her know that sex is something

that she can always discuss with her family.

Mom can't have sex with you, though, Uncle Matt.

I'll explain it to you later.

Oh, honey, no, there's really no need

to explain why that can't happen.

He's got it.

Good for you, Heather.

I mean, sex is such a wonderful and a healthy thing.

No child should be afraid

to ask any questions about it.

Right, everybody?

(all exclaiming)

Is it true that you can have sex with yourself?

(all clearing throats, coughing softly)

Will you excuse me? Uh, I got...

- We have to go meditate. - We got to meditate.

Oh, I'd love to try meditation.

Yep, me, too. I love learning new things from family.

Yeah, I'm going to go meditate, as well.

It's my house... if anybody gets to meditate, it's me.

Meditate? They're saying it wrong.

And you're supposed to do it by yourself!

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