Original subtitles

_

Kick some ass at ballet, sweetheart.

Everyone's anorexic... no one has an ass to kick.

What's the matter?

You wanted to be the swan, and they made you the lake?

I hate ballet.

Mom did what she always does...

signed me up and then told me

I had to go because she already signed me up.

Mom-Mom does that to me with karaoke.

See you later.

Hey!

You want to play hooky?

TROY: Attaboy, John.

Now back to combination one.

Whoo, 70 years young, y'all!

Yeah, Pop-Pop! Whoo!

I hope I look like that when I'm your age.

Hey, look at that, even with a Victoria's Secret model around,

everybody's checking me out, huh?

It looks so fun!

Yeah, you want to try it?

I don't think I should.

Mom doesn't like violence.

She wouldn't even let me do tai chi.

Ugh, those people give the slowest high-fives.

(Jasmine grunting)

JOHN: If Jasmine can do it, so can you.

Girl power.

Or whatever you girls say

before you talk behind each other's backs.

Troy, show her some moves.

One, two.

One, two.

Straight.

Attagirl, Sam!

Your girl's killing it, man.

I know, looks like me in a wig.

Dad.

I want to thank you for taking Sam to ballet.

You know, I think it's really helping her

with her anger issues.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

You got enough on your plate with working

and taking care of the kids.

Gosh, you're practically a Superman-Woman.

Oh, well, thanks, Dad.

Yeah, I'll drive the kids to all their activities.

You... you mean that?

Really, I mean you'll drive my kids everywhere.

Well, yeah.

I mean just Sam, just to ballet,

and you can give me gas money later.

That's fair.

There we go, stay low.

That's perfect.

13 years old, y'all!

(cheering)

Damn, she's tough.

I'm not getting in the ring with her.

I thought you were something special,

- but she's a beast. - Yeah, I guess,

if you're impressed with someone who can't drive.

- Really? Boxing? - Mm-hmm.

She knows that I don't like violence.

I am gonna kill her.

I'm as shocked as you are. I dropped her off at ballet,

and she must have hiked the six miles to the gym.

Dad, I keep trying

to encourage her to do things

that will suit her,

and she's just really resisting me.

I'm at a loss with her, Dad.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So that's it with boxing?

One, two. One, two.

This feels good.

It's all about me again.

One, two.

All right, let's wrap it up.

Where's your granddaughter, by the way?

Huge potential, that one.

Well, turns out it's all because of the steroids.

It's too bad.

She was the one person I didn't have to pretend

to be impressed by.

Great job today, by the way.

SAMANTHA: Pop-Pop!

Oh! Hey, Sam, honey.

Yeah, your mom told me you weren't going to fight anymore.

I was just telling Troy how disappointed I was.

You're not the only one disappointed.

You betrayed me.

Troy?

He'll be back in a second.

Boxing was your idea.

You got me hooked,

and now you're taking it away from me?

I don't think so.

Troy?

There's no one here,

but you, me, and my two friends...

I think you should let her do it after all.

Okay, you ratted her out yesterday.

What changed your mind?

I'm jealous, okay?

Of your 13-year-old granddaughter?

Before she showed up at the gym, I was the hero there.

Now usually at my age that means keeping a pigeon

from stealing your sandwich.

Sam comes in, she stole my sandwich.

She's really that good?

Oh, she's a natural.

Like Robert Redford in that baseball movie.

What's that called again?

The Natural.

No.

Uh-uh, that's not it.

Do you know what this place reminds me of?

It reminds me of a place

where I would never take a child.

What is that smell?

It's passion.

And determination.

Oh, and a possum died in the locker room.

Okay, let's just get her and go.

I mean hopefully this is just some weird fascination

that she'll be over once she realizes it's not forbidden.

Are you sure you want her to get over it?

Is that Sam?

(grunting)

Oh, my God, look how strong she is!

See?

She's amazing.

I know this is not your thing,

but I think Sam may have found her thing.

Now this was my thing first,

but I'm working through that now.

I guess she's at that age, you know, where I just...

I have to get out of the way and just let her do her thing.

That's my girl!

Yeah!

Oh, oh, honey!

It happens.

_

Ah...

Oh, you been feeling sad lately, Jen?

Huh, no, why?

'Cause your tongue's depressed.

(laughs)

Oh, okay, yeah, that one was good.

Actually it looks like you have

acute infectious pharyngitis.

So it means those tonsils are going to go bye-bye.

What, you have to take my tonsils out?

Well, just to dinner, maybe a movie.

I'll have them home by 10:00. (chuckles)

- Another one... - Yeah.

Actually, when you think about it,

you've been on antibiotics six times

in the last two years,

so surgery's the best option.

No, no, I don't have time for surgery.

Oh, surgery's fast.

And I won't see you naked, if that's on your mind.

It is now.

Anyway, Heather will schedule something for you

this week and we'll castrate those throat testicles.

(door opens)

I mean he called my tonsils "throat testicles"

Maybe that's the medical term for them.

I feel like I should get a second opinion.

All right, then get a second opinion.

Yeah, but he's family.

I mean if he found out I got a second opinion,

do you know the drama-rama that's going to ensue?

You know how awkward a dinner table's gonna be?

Okay, so then get the surgery.

I mean he's a good doctor.

And if not, you're a good lawyer.

Come on, this is serious.

You're right, it is.

It's a conundrum.

Greg, the answer is not in your beard.

Hmm?

Ah...

Yeah, yeah, they're certainly infected,

but I think a tonsillectomy is a bit of overkill.

You do? Oh, that's such a relief.

Because my other doctor said I needed to have them removed.

But he also called them throat testicles,

which was a medical term I was unaware of.

You know, there are some similarities.

Yeah, they're both round,

and they're both glands,

and you can have them removed and still be a man.

Right, well, that felt oddly personal.

Well, the antibiotics are going to take care of that infection,

but we're going to give you a throat culture just in case.

And I'm going to send your file

with my recommendations

back over to Dr. Hughes.

What?

No, no, no!

No, no, no! No!

Oh! Ah...

Can you please not stand this close to me?

Because you're incredibly sick.

Right, right, right.

I mean Tim probably gets hundreds of emails

from doctors every day.

Plus his Joke-A-Day emails?

I mean he can't read them all.

Well, I hope you're right.

Otherwise I don't know how I'm going to face him.

Although it would probably be less painful than one of the bad jokes

- he's going to tell. - Mm...

You guys hear about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines.

(laughs)

Okay, I didn't get that at first,

but then when it hits you, it hits you hard.

(quietly): I think we're okay.

Yeah, no, they don't know.

Everything tasting okay?

Any coffee or tea?

I would love like an herbal tea.

We have a delicious honey vanilla chamomile tea.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, Jen.

You don't want to just take her word for it.

No, oh, come on.

Why don't you ask this guy? Right here, you know,

get the opinion of someone that you've never even met.

Here we go. (clears throat)

Sir, my sister-in-law here

just got a very solid recommendation

for the chamomile tea.

But she'd like to know your thoughts.

I'm more of a eucalyptus passionfruit guy.

Well, there you go, Jen

I'm sure the opinions of this

random waiter that you have no connection with

must mean a whole lot more to you

than your first waitress,

who's practically family.

JEN: You know what? No.

I'm actually glad I got

the other waiter's opinion

because eucalyptus passionfruit dude

saved me from unnecessary surgery.

I'll just bring both teas.

No, no, because you cannot have it both ways, Jen.

You see, because when you seek out that second tea,

the first tea cries in front of a patient.

You know what, I can't eat this.

- Just bring me a cinnamon roll. - It's okay.

(phone beeps)

(gasps) It's a voice mail from Dr. Antro.

ANTRO (voice mail): Hi, Jen. (coughs)

This is Dr. Antro calling.

Not because you got me sick... which you did...

but because after looking at your test results,

I actually would recommend surgery.

Oh, no.

Surgery?!

The good news is we do have a doctor in the family.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, I'm sorry that I didn't trust you.

It's okay, it's okay.

Let me see what we got.

Uh, next week, no.

Next year, no.

I could do one tonsil in December.

HEATHER: Oh, no, wait,

here's one, honey, right there,

- right in the year of the rat! - Okay, all right.

I can see that there's still a lot of anger here.

You're a lot of anger!

Wow.

Don't know why I ever doubted you.

It's all I needed to hear.

Bring it in.

Come on. Give me a hug.

Oh, oh, okay.

- Come on, there you go. - Thanks.

Actually, I shouldn't be touching you,

you are very sick.

Would you stop trying to please my mother?

She already kisses you on the lips.

That's as far as you want it to go.

That's as far as you want it to go.

_

Here, dear, here's something to nibble on until we order.

- Thank you. - Oh, actually...

Colleen doesn't really like garlic bread.

- And she has... - No, but this is a garlic knot,

which is totally different and yummy.

And there's probably not enough garlic on it

to trigger my allergy.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Would you stop trying to please my mother?

She already kisses you on the lips.

That's as far as you want it to go.

That's as far as you want it to go.

And don't think I forgot about you, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

What is it?

Get it, Sam!

- (commotion) - Sam, Sam, Sam! Get it, get it, get it!

What? What? What? What happened?

I put a spider in his...

In his knots!

JOHN: She got him right in the knots.

JOAN: That is the best one yet.

I think he tooted.

Funny stuff. Is this a thing you all do?

How did I not know this was a thing?

MATT: Because every time she does it, I keep on hoping

that she will remember that she is a therapist and stop it.

I will stop when it stops being funny.

Besides,

you won't overcome your arachnophobia

unless you expose yourself to spiders.

I was never scared of spiders as a kid

until you started sticking them in my lunch box.

Colin McGrath used to get sweet little notes

from his mom telling him how special he was.

What's funny about that?

Now, Mom, come on, you have to stop scaring us.

It's not cool.

She used to hide in the basement

and then jump out and scare me

when I would go down there to play bumper pool.

I had to quit playing. Could've gone pro.

He was good.

It's a tradition.

My mom did it to me, and I do it to you all.

And someday you get to do it to your kids.

MATT: Okay, have your laughs.

But if you think I'm throwing in any cash

at the end of this dinner, you're very wrong.

And there goes the excuse of the week.

(whispers): John, stop.

There's something I want to show you.

There's something I want to show you, too.

(gasps)

It's fake! It's fake.

Your mom wanted me to put it on your chest

- while you were sleeping. - (gasps)

She's sick! She's a sicko!

Now she's trying to turn you against me, too?

Mmm.

I know, it's like she's sweet her life

so her personality can have a cheat day.

And there's nothing I can do about it... she won't stop.

What if you made her?

What if you exposed her to one of her fears?

What's she afraid of?

She's afraid that the bagger at the grocery store

- is going to give her a hug? - No, dude, that's you.

She's afraid of being wrongfully imprisoned.

I mean, that's why she had to stop watching 48 Hours.

Oh, wearing tennis shoes on the escalator

and her laces get caught.

No, I don't think we've got it yet.

What about perch, the fish?

I'm afraid of them because one once bit me in a lake.

Huh.

Yeah.

Ooh, I got it.

What, what, what?

She is deathly afraid of Dad's new robot vacuum.

- GREG: Yes. - Boom.

Yes, she's afraid it's going to come to life

and watch her in the shower.

And we can make it come to life.

Uh...

does Sophia have any remote-controlled cars?

I don't know, do perch have teeth?

Nasty little suckers.

Okay, come on, come on.

Let's go, we have to hurry.

We only have 15 minutes until Dad's back from boxing.

No, Mom comes down for a bowl of ice cream

between 9:00 and 9:06 p.m.

It was really healthy for me to move out of the garage.

(vacuum beeping)

Okay, go, go, go!

Here we go.

Oh, no.

(giddy excitement)

Oh, no!

JOAN: No, no, no!

No! No!

I told John this was going to happen.

No, no, no!

(Joan screams)

This is so good.

No, no, no!

Down! Down, robot!

- (laughing) - Down!

Okay, good.

No!

Ah! John!

Oh, we got a runner.

(excited overtalk)

(loud thud)

Oh, no!

That's not good.

Mommy!

Are you okay?

- I think so. - Oh, you're bleeding.

Quick, get the first aid kit under the sink.

Go, go, go! Come on, go!

I got this, I'm a doctor's office receptionist.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

No!

No!

Bug spray, bug spray...

(screams)

Are you kidding me?

We got him!

You were in on this?

I'm sorry.

I just really want your mom to like me.

Hope you guys are real happy together.

- Aww! - Come on!

- There's still a tarantula in there! - Honey...

COLLEEN: I love you!

My beard is just vacuuming up that wax.

It was so dry. A storm must be coming.

_

Oh, God, honey, when are you going to shave?

I thought you'd be done with that thing by now.

Nope, no, I'm just getting started.

- What? - Well, yeah, I figured

now that I'm home every day,

I've really got to look the part.

Of what?

An Amish farmer?

Come on, give it a stroke.

I really... I miss kissing my smooth-faced husband.

I mean, we could get it on without kissing,

it's just I know how much that upsets you.

You'll come around, you will.

Just wait until it softens up a little bit.

In fact I just got this new shampoo for beards.

It's going to help. It's called Beard-Poo.

Ugh, yeah, I feel your pain.

Tim went through a beard phase

and I hated it.

You know, I think he was just happy

that he could grow hair somewhere.

Well, Greg thinks it makes him

- less likely to get mugged. - Yeah.

You know, Tim grew his so that we could play student and professor.

I still always end up playing the professor.

But I did come up with the perfect plan

to get him to shave it.

Man, my beard is just vacuuming up that wax.

It was so dry.

A storm must be coming.

Well, whatever you're doing is working.

It's natural and rugged and makes me feel

like you could build us a deck.

- Really? - Yeah.

- So you're on board with the beard, huh? - Totally.

In fact, I've decided to join you.

Yeah.

I stopped shaving, too.

What do you mean? Like your legs?

Like my everything.

Whole kit and caboodle.

But when... when we're sleeping and our legs accidentally touch,

they will have stubble on them?

Well, at first.

But don't worry because in time it'll all just be

long and curly, like your face.

Yeah, okay, I see what you're doing.

- Ha. - This is the trick

that Heather pulled to make Tim shave his beard.

Yeah, that's not going to work.

What? You knew about that?

Yeah.

Tim is not a beard guy.

It looked like his head was on upside-down.

Good night.

The breakfast of champions.

JEN: Oh, babe...

Can you please just shave the beard?

For me?

Don't you see?

All along, I thought I was grooming the beard.

But it turns out the beard was grooming me.

Oh.

And, besides, Lark likes it.

Don't you?

Don't you?

You like the beard,

don't you?

Don't fear the beard.

(gasps)

Wow.

She took the vomit right out of my mouth.

I'm going to go clean up.

(crying)

WAITRESS: It's been really great serving you guys.

I hope to see you again soon.

What is that smell?

It's my beard.

Lark puked in it.

Can you smell it?

Not that you deserve my advice,

but any time I want to cover up an unwanted smell

coming from my body, I go to one place... Benihana.

You don't stop smelling, but you smell like shrimp.

You know what, I can't finish this.

Bring me a cinnamon roll.

Cinnamon roll!

Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, it's worse!

Oh, no, how can it be worse?

Now it smells like vomit on a hibachi.

But in a good way?

I'm so sorry, honey.

I love you, I do,

but you, like, legit repulse me right now.

But in, like, a good way, right?

Okay, fine, I will shave my beard.

You will?

Yes.

Yes!

There are plenty of ways for me to be a modern man

Yeah.

What do you think of those disks

that people put in their ears?

(Supertramp's "Goodbye Strange" playing)

And I really have enjoyed my stay

But I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle

Like a queen without a throne

I'm an early-morning lover and I must be moving on

Good-bye, stranger

It's been nice

Hope you find your paradise

Ow, ow!

(crying)

No, I...!

You can do this!

All come true

- Good-bye, Mary

- Good-bye, Mary

- Good-bye, Jane

- Good-bye, Jane

- (coughs) - Will we ever

Meet again?

Hey.

Guess who doesn't smell like puke anymore.

Oh, there's the man I married.

(groans)

Sorta.

'Sup?

Um, you look super sexy.

But I'm just... I'm a little bit worried about my throat.

(coughs)

Okay, just this once

we'll do it without kissing.

All right.

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