Original subtitles

_

Um, are you sure that we can return this?

I mean, it's, like, three years old and, you know,

I didn't buy it here.

Doesn't matter.

Trust me.

My Grandma Tanita turned saving money

into an art form.

She returned a doctor's appointment once.

I literally don't even know how.

- Wow. - Mhm.

Just, it seems like a lot of work when we could just go

to that other store and buy a jacket

that has a zipper that works.

No, Matt, that is why you have money problems.

Look, if we are going to build a life together,

you're going to have to change how you handle your finances.

It's like every time you get money you just spend it.

Okay, well, that's not fair.

I spend money that I don't have, too.

- Well. - Next.

- Oh. - Uh...

Just watch and learn.

Hello.

Oh, sorry, I got so distracted by your beautiful eyes.

Thank you.

One of them's glass.

That explains the sparkle.

Anyway, I'd like to return this jacket.

It's defective.

Okay, do you have the receipt?

No.

- (laughing nervously): No. - We don't...

I mean it's just so weird

that we're here, because... so...

- Next. - Matt.

We know for a fact that they carry this brand here

and they definitely stand behind all of their merchandise.

That's why we shop here.

Right, Leigh?

It's pronounced Lekh.

Le-ukh?

It's beautiful.

Do you think that you could help us, Le-ukh?

LEIGH: You know what?

I am charmed

by your use of my name.

Let me go talk to my manager.

Thank you.

Okay, I am so uncomfortable.

Why?

Because you have all this sexual energy

and you just want to attack me right now?

No, I don't... wait, what? What? What?

(groans)

Does saving money turn you on?

Why do you think I get so revved up when we're watching Cinemax?

Because it's gentle lady porn.

Oh, no.

It's because our neighbors are paying for it.

What else turns you on?

A dollar bill is a friend of mine

We need the money

We need some money

Talking about money, money, money

Talking about money, money, money

Each and every dollar that I come across

Goes into my gas tank and out my car

We need the money, we need money

Talking about moolah now, talking about moolah now

If I ever get my hands on a dollar again

Gonna squeeze on it till the eagle grin

I need money, I need money

Talking about money, money, money

Talking about money, money, money

Now, honey

Need money

And that money

Need money

Talking about honey

Need money

We need money

Need money.

MATT: Babe,

I found some dirty Ziploc bags at work

to bring home and wash out.

Look at that.

Huh? A galloner. Big dog.

What's wrong?

Oh, no.

Big Lots discovered our double coupon scam.

No, it's not that, no.

I missed my period.

I'm late.

That's bigger than Big Lots.

Yes.

All right.

Stay calm.

Okay.

You stay here and relax.

I'm going to go to the store,

get a pregnancy test, you know.

No need for us to freak out.

Whew, okay.

Unless we know what we're freaking out about.

Might want to do your pants up.

- Yep. - Okay.

I'm freaking out.

We were always so careful.

Except for sometimes when we weren't.

Maybe it's wrong, tests can be wrong.

Here, take another one... I bought a ton of them.

There was a special at the dollar store.

They were a dollar.

Matt, you bought pregnancy tests at the dollar store?

Yeah, I'm not going to spend a ton of money

on something you're just going to pee on.

Everybody knows there are two things

you never buy at the dollar store:

pregnancy tests and crab.

Oh.

I saw that.

So expensive, full-price test results are...?

- Not pregnant. - Oh, thank God.

And not that I don't want

to have many babies with you some day.

Totally, some day.

But babies are expensive.

Which reminds me,

I think you should return those pregnancy tests.

I only peed on one.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, maybe we should hold onto them,

because I bought our condoms at the dollar store, too.

60 for a dollar.

_

Okay, so at 10:30 you have Mrs. Barnett for...

Tim, that's for charity.

It's not a tip jar.

SYLVIE: Oh, Dr. Hughes,

I got the acne medication for your son.

- Thank you... - That's for Tim's back.

Heather!

Oh, you have bacne?

Yeah, it flares up when he wears his jammie dress.

It's a nightshirt.

Can you give us a second?

Okay.

Please do not discuss my personal business

with the staff.

You keep doing that.

Oh, chill out.

You told everybody how nervous I was for my first day here.

That's not the same as bacne.

Sylvie idolizes me.

I'm like a father figure to her and she has a crush on me,

as does everybody else in this place.

Look, just stop embarrassing me.

You want me to stop embarrassing you?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Because you have food stains

on the back of your lab coat.

That's because I turn it around when I eat ribs.

All right.

I know we always said we'd be honest with each other

and there's clearly a problem here that we need to discuss.

I'm not wearing lipstick.

It's tinted lip balm.

You should try it before you rail on me.

No.

This is about the problem that you have with Heather.

I am not going to stand in your way if you want to fire her.

No, she's great.

She's the best receptionist we've ever had.

All right, look, I can read between the lines.

You want her gone by the end of the day.

That's fine.

Just make sure she knows it was you.

You want to fire your wife?

Hmm.

Well, I hadn't thought about it, but now that you bring it up,

yes, I want it more than anything in life.

Hi.

- About earlier, - Yeah.

I thought that there's a bigger issue here

that we kind of need to talk about.

Oh, I agree.

I-I am not happy with the way things are going.

Yeah, me, neither.

And I've been thinking we really need to make a change.

So...

TIM: Well,

she's no longer our receptionist.

Well done, Tim.

Oh, hey, guys.

Loving my new parking spot.

I'm going to go see if I can fit a water feature

into my new office.

You promoted her?

- Yeah. - You were supposed to fire her.

On her first day as office coordinator?

Oh, that's harsh.

But it needs to be done,

and as her husband it might as well come from me.

I'm sorry, Heather, but you're fired...

Is what I want you to say.

But you're HR for the medical group,

so feel free to make it your own.

Thank you, I love how creative my job is.

We'll give her a call first thing tomorrow.

Good, that'll give me a chance

to take her out tonight to soften the blow.

You won't promote her, right?

Because I hear that sort of thing happens sometimes,

which is crazy.

I got to say, this is so nice.

Only the best for my bride.

You mean your office coordinator.

- Mmm. - I got to tell you, babe,

I did not see that coming.

Yeah, one day you're up,

the next you're down.

None of it really matters as long as you have

- a life as rich as ours... - Yeah.

outside of work.

That's the good stuff.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Listen, we should talk.

I'm so happy to be back,

you know, out there in the work force.

I just...

I'm not sure that your office is the right fit for me.

Wait, are you quitting?

Yes, I'm so sorry... I love you so much, honey,

and I think we're such a great couple at home

and I don't want to risk losing any of that magic that we have

- in our marriage by spending... - Spending too much time together!

- Yes! - I feel the same way.

Oh, my God, you do?

God, Tim, we are so in sync.

We are just...

That is why we are the envy

of all of our friends.

Ah.

Wait a minute.

If you felt that way, why didn't you say anything to me?

Well, I just knew how much you loved the job

and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt your feelings.

Oh, honey, that is so sweet.

(cell phone ringing) I thought I shut that off.

That touches my heart that you...

Oh, it's HR.

- HR? - You know what?

I didn't turn in my timecard yesterday.

Give it to me, they're not supposed to call tonight.

Hi, Matilda.

She's quitting.

- Hey, she quit! - Okay.

- Oh! - What's wrong with you?

Oh.

Oh, okay, okay.

Can we get a box?

It's... no, thank you for calling and telling me.

- Yeah. - Checking my phone.

That's nice.

I just got fired.

What?

No! Why?

Did you fire me, Tim?

What?

No!

Oh, Tim.

Well, I...

Oh!

Okay, I admit this was handled poorly.

You think?

I knew that you just, you know,

you wanted to preserve the magic of the marriage.

Okay, well, actually, you didn't know that.

- Okay, I didn't know that. - No.

But look, I felt the same way, so it's perfect.

I solved our problem.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You solved that problem.

Now you have a new problem.

Hey... well, ha-ha to you.

You can take my wallet, but I still have the valet ticket.

Oh, no, I don't... wait, Heather!

Heather, wait!

I'm done flying forever.

Except at the indoor skydiving place that couldn't lift Daddy.

That was a hard day for me.

_

Amelia Earhart received many awards

and inspired many other women with her bravery,

until 1937,

when she disappeared while trying to fly around the world.

Her plane was never found,

but there is little doubt she crashed, probably in a volcano.

So, in conclusion,

never fly in a plane or you will die.

Because Amelia was the best

at flying,

and now she's a skeleton

in a volcano with her face frozen in horror

like those poor people in Pompeii.

Thank you.

(applause)

Oh, and I made a picture, too.

JOAN: Oh, look at that.

I have a patient who draws just like that.

Had a patient.

HEATHER: Honey, I'm not sure

that the end of your report

is entirely accurate.

Yeah, lava would totally melt a skeleton.

Come on.

HEATHER: No, I mean that

that crash, that was a long time ago

and planes are very, very safe now.

- Yeah? - Safer than driving a car.

Yeah.

Well, I'm done flying forever,

except at the indoor skydiving place that couldn't lift Daddy.

That was a hard day for me.

HEATHER: Dad, come on. Help me out.

You've been flying for years.

Tell her that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I'll talk to her.

TIM: I mean if you rent a jumpsuit

- that's big enough for a customer... - I know, sweetie.

the thing should be able to lift him.

Hey, you were wronged.

You were wronged that day.

You said you were taking me to Costco to buy a motorcycle.

- What? Did I say that? - Mmm-hmm.

The truth is I want you to see the inside of a real airplane,

you know, for your report.

After we prime the engine here...

we yell, "Clear prop!",

and then we just turn this key.

(engine starts)

You said we were just looking at switches.

- Did I say that? - Yeah.

I just want you to see how fun it is to roll down the runway.

We're staying on the runway, right?

Sure are.

You just said we were staying on the runway.

- Oh, did I say that? - Yeah!

I just want to take you up and do a quick barrel roll.

(Sophia screaming)

See, you don't have to be scared, sweetheart.

All planes glide nice and easy like those seagulls there.

They do look like they're having fun.

And so are we.

(clunking noise, screaming)

You hit one!

He hit us.

You're not supposed to divert

from your flight path like that.

He's a bird.

He's a dodo bird.

(engine falters and stops)

Why did that stop spinning?

Don't we need that?

Uh, I just turned it off for a second

so you could hear how nice and quiet it sounds

at 6,000, 5,000, 4,000...

I think I'll turn it right back on now.

(engine struggling)

Okay, now you can hear the fancy code

that pilots use when they talk to the tower.

Mayday, mayday.

Doesn't mayday mean there's something wrong?

Oh, no, if something was wrong

I would say, uh, "Foam the runway.

"Foam the runway. Charlie 408,

we're experiencing engine failure."

We don't have an engine?

Sure we do.

We got an engine right here.

We don't have an engine.

Are we going to die?!

No!

Because we have an engine.

(engine struggling)

Damn it.

Mayday, mayday.

November Charlie 408.

We'd like to declare an emergency.

Get those trucks on standby and some ice cream.

The ground is coming up really fast, Pop-Pop.

Which is good.

That's where we want to be, right?

Hey, let's make sure that seatbelt is nice and snug,

but not too snug, so you can loosen it

in case we catch on fire.

Fire?

(moans)

JOHN: Okay, now, hold on.

(rubber squealing)

(gasps)

(sighs)

Ground, this is November Charlie 408.

How are we doing with that ice cream?

I know what you were doing up there.

Huh?

You made it seem like we were going to die

so that I could see that planes can always land

no matter how bad things get.

And it worked.

I'm not afraid to fly anymore.

Thank you, Pop-Pop.

Yeah, you know what?

I think I'm going to check that tire pressure real quick.

(vomiting)

I got the camera, I just need you

to tell me, which filter do you want,

Polaroid Transfer, Unfinished Basement, or Grainy in Paris.

Yeah, I don't know what you're saying, but no.

No, got it.

_

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you...

Sorry, sorry, sorry... hold on, I'm sorry.

No, something doesn't feel right.

What is wrong with this picture?

Yeah, I know, I know.

You're absolutely right.

You know, we thought that that short hair would look chic,

but she looks like garbage.

No.

No, this just, this feels very sad.

Us alone, nobody else here to celebrate her big moment.

She's going to look back on this picture

and just think that, like, her birthday was a bummer.

Okay, all right.

So how can we fix this?

Maybe we should invite...

Uh, family?

Family.

Your family?

Because your family is on a boat in Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia, yeah.

According to their last ham radio broadcast.

Yeah, I realize that.

So that really only leaves.

(struggling): Don't make me say it.

Happy birthday, baby!

Oh, I had to cancel my book club,

but that's okay, because I'm so tired of those bitches anyway.

At least some of them are starting to die off.

Well, we're so happy you guys could all come last-minute.

Yeah, I didn't get to finish my round,

but they'd already asked me to leave the course,

so it worked out.

Well, now that we're all here and Lark's in a good mood,

why don't we gather around the table and do the cake?

I'll go get the camera.

Actually can you hold off on the cake for just a few minutes?

Clemmie and I planned a little birthday performance for Lark.

CLEMENTINE: Yeah, and we find that people

tend to leave mid-song

unless they're waiting around for something good.

Okay.

Okay, got the camera.

Put the camera down, Greg.

Okay.

Chafing

Burning

The redness everywhere.

The product of our friction

Has left me itching and bare

Don't let them know

That the sting is potent

The blister of our love hurts.

Yeah. Really good.

That song is called "Love Blister"

Based on a true story.

But-but he's okay now.

Oh, good, good.

- Oh, hi, guys. - Hey.

Just wanted to thank you again

for inviting us last-minute.

- And this, this is for Lark. - Ooh.

A beautiful rose...

- for a beautiful one-year-old girl. - How beautiful.

- Yeah, it's fresh from our garden. - Mhm.

Ah.

Or from the gas station on the way here.

Yeah.

Should we do the cake?

- Let's do the... and the camera. - And the camera. Yes.

Let me get the camera ready.

WOMAN (knocks at door): Hello!

Where's the birthday girl or groom?

Not sure what this is.

Vicky, come on in.

Hey, guys.

This is my present to Lark, a real, live princess.

Dad?

What is going on?

Well, Vicky is the drink cart girl at the club.

I asked her what she did

on the side for extra money, and she said this.

John, why would you ask her that?

I was just making conversation.

Why does anyone ask anybody anything?

Oh, I have a pair of those.

Well, now you have two.

Hey, let's get the picture thing going, right?

While Lark's still in a good mood?

I got the camera... guys, let's all gather round,

take a photo with Lark, okay?

(crying)

JEN: Oh, no, no, no

no, no, no, no, no.

- No, she's crying. - Guys, I think she's teething.

Oh, give her to me.

I've got a great remedy for teething.

- Really? - Yes, I do.

I'll bring her right back.

Okay, I'm going to get the cake.

Yeah, I got the camera, I just need you

to tell me, which filter do you want?

I got Polaroid Transfer, Unfinished Basement,

or Grainy in Paris.

I don't know what you're saying, but no.

No, got it.

- You know, I wish we had had... - Yeah.

these kind of parties with our kids,

just the family and Vicky.

HEATHER (slurring): Vicky's the best.

Hey, can I hire you to follow me around all the time?

It's $100 an hour, 200 if I'm topless,

- 300 if you want me to... - Okay, yeah, we're going, okay...

Let's hear her rates.

HEATHER: No, we're good.

I'm going to just take that, thank you.

JEN: Joan, what did you do?

She's, like, unconscious.

Oh, I just rubbed a little whiskey on her gums.

You did what?

Yeah, it always works like a charm.

(stammering): But you...

You gave her alcohol?

JOHN: Oh, sure.

My mom used to rub whiskey on my gums

when I was a baby, and it had no effect on me.

Vicky, this was supposed to be a double.

Mom?

I mean she's, like, blackout drunk.

She's a little sleeping angel.

All we wanted was a photo of Lark on her first birthday.

Now she's too wasted to be in it.

No, you know what?

We're still going to get that picture

come hell or high water.

ALL: Happy birthday, dear Lark

Happy birthday to you.

I've been wanting to use Weekend at Bernie's technology

since the summer of 1989.

I can't believe I'm finally doing it.

JEN: Yeah, I can't believe that our one-year-old is drunk

and I have to write a thank-you note for crotchless panties.

But you know what?

It's not just about the picture.

It's about family.

And how that family is ruining this picture.

And I want Lark to have that memory forever, you know?

Me, too, honey.

All right, let's do this.

All right, get in there.

- Okay. - Which filter do you want me to use?

No, I can't with the filters, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

And...

Mommy's all right

Daddy's all right

They just seem a little weird

Surrender, surrender

But don't give yourself away

Ay-ay-ay-ay

Ay-ay-ay!

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