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1
00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:06,970
_
2
00:00:09,079 --> 00:00:11,446
Um, are you sure that
we can return this?
3
00:00:11,448 --> 00:00:12,881
I mean, it's, like, three
years old and, you know,
4
00:00:12,883 --> 00:00:14,082
I didn't buy it here.
5
00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:15,216
Doesn't matter.
6
00:00:15,218 --> 00:00:16,217
Trust me.
7
00:00:16,242 --> 00:00:17,732
My Grandma Tanita turned saving money
8
00:00:17,757 --> 00:00:18,840
into an art form.
9
00:00:19,068 --> 00:00:21,536
She returned a doctor's
appointment once.
10
00:00:21,538 --> 00:00:23,337
I literally don't even know how.
11
00:00:23,687 --> 00:00:24,630
- Wow.
- Mhm.
12
00:00:24,655 --> 00:00:26,974
Just, it seems like a lot
of work when we could just go
13
00:00:26,976 --> 00:00:28,276
to that other store and buy a jacket
14
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,418
that has a zipper that works.
15
00:00:29,443 --> 00:00:31,376
No, Matt, that is why
you have money problems.
16
00:00:31,563 --> 00:00:32,998
Look, if we are going
to build a life together,
17
00:00:33,023 --> 00:00:34,907
you're going to have to change
how you handle your finances.
18
00:00:34,932 --> 00:00:36,352
It's like every time you
get money you just spend it.
19
00:00:36,377 --> 00:00:37,474
Okay, well, that's not fair.
20
00:00:37,499 --> 00:00:38,958
I spend money that I don't have, too.
21
00:00:38,983 --> 00:00:40,469
- Well.
- Next.
22
00:00:40,494 --> 00:00:41,849
- Oh.
- Uh...
23
00:00:41,874 --> 00:00:43,340
Just watch and learn.
24
00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:44,633
Hello.
25
00:00:44,658 --> 00:00:48,032
Oh, sorry, I got so distracted
by your beautiful eyes.
26
00:00:48,057 --> 00:00:49,001
Thank you.
27
00:00:49,026 --> 00:00:50,359
One of them's glass.
28
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,051
That explains the sparkle.
29
00:00:55,020 --> 00:00:56,386
Anyway, I'd like to return this jacket.
30
00:00:56,411 --> 00:00:57,677
It's defective.
31
00:00:58,157 --> 00:00:59,544
Okay, do you have the receipt?
32
00:00:59,569 --> 00:01:00,965
No.
33
00:01:00,990 --> 00:01:02,256
- (laughing nervously): No.
- We don't...
34
00:01:02,281 --> 00:01:03,823
I mean it's just so weird
35
00:01:03,848 --> 00:01:05,966
that we're here, because... so...
36
00:01:05,991 --> 00:01:07,616
- Next.
- Matt.
37
00:01:07,618 --> 00:01:10,319
We know for a fact that
they carry this brand here
38
00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:13,065
and they definitely stand
behind all of their merchandise.
39
00:01:13,090 --> 00:01:14,823
That's why we shop here.
40
00:01:15,014 --> 00:01:16,213
Right, Leigh?
41
00:01:16,527 --> 00:01:18,194
It's pronounced Lekh.
42
00:01:18,808 --> 00:01:20,896
Le-ukh?
43
00:01:20,898 --> 00:01:22,331
It's beautiful.
44
00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:25,468
Do you think that you
could help us, Le-ukh?
45
00:01:25,470 --> 00:01:26,502
LEIGH: You know what?
46
00:01:26,504 --> 00:01:27,448
I am charmed
47
00:01:27,473 --> 00:01:29,740
by your use of my name.
48
00:01:30,008 --> 00:01:31,316
Let me go talk to my manager.
49
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,769
Thank you.
50
00:01:34,223 --> 00:01:36,457
Okay, I am so uncomfortable.
51
00:01:36,685 --> 00:01:37,759
Why?
52
00:01:37,784 --> 00:01:39,634
Because you have all this sexual energy
53
00:01:39,659 --> 00:01:41,527
and you just want to
attack me right now?
54
00:01:41,552 --> 00:01:43,486
No, I don't... wait, what? What? What?
55
00:01:43,488 --> 00:01:44,420
(groans)
56
00:01:44,422 --> 00:01:46,288
Does saving money turn you on?
57
00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:48,789
Why do you think I get so revved
up when we're watching Cinemax?
58
00:01:48,814 --> 00:01:50,266
Because it's gentle lady porn.
59
00:01:50,291 --> 00:01:51,240
Oh, no.
60
00:01:51,265 --> 00:01:53,873
It's because our neighbors
are paying for it.
61
00:01:54,654 --> 00:01:55,931
What else turns you on?
62
00:01:55,933 --> 00:01:58,000
A dollar bill is
a friend of mine
63
00:01:58,002 --> 00:01:59,068
We need the money
64
00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:00,264
We need some money
65
00:02:00,289 --> 00:02:01,737
Talking about
money, money, money
66
00:02:01,739 --> 00:02:03,127
Talking about
money, money, money
67
00:02:03,152 --> 00:02:05,074
Each and every dollar
that I come across
68
00:02:05,076 --> 00:02:07,343
Goes into my gas
tank and out my car
69
00:02:07,345 --> 00:02:09,327
We need the money,
we need money
70
00:02:09,352 --> 00:02:11,814
Talking about moolah now,
talking about moolah now
71
00:02:11,816 --> 00:02:14,207
If I ever get my hands
on a dollar again
72
00:02:14,232 --> 00:02:16,436
Gonna squeeze on it
till the eagle grin
73
00:02:16,461 --> 00:02:18,384
I need money,
I need money
74
00:02:18,409 --> 00:02:19,996
Talking about
money, money, money
75
00:02:20,021 --> 00:02:21,035
Talking about
money, money, money
76
00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:23,491
Now, honey
77
00:02:23,516 --> 00:02:25,594
Need money
78
00:02:25,596 --> 00:02:27,866
And that money
79
00:02:27,891 --> 00:02:30,180
Need money
80
00:02:30,205 --> 00:02:32,368
Talking about honey
81
00:02:32,370 --> 00:02:34,804
Need money
82
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:37,039
We need money
83
00:02:37,041 --> 00:02:39,795
Need money.
84
00:02:43,714 --> 00:02:44,680
MATT: Babe,
85
00:02:44,682 --> 00:02:46,569
I found some dirty Ziploc bags at work
86
00:02:46,594 --> 00:02:47,641
to bring home and wash out.
87
00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:48,566
Look at that.
88
00:02:48,591 --> 00:02:50,713
Huh? A galloner. Big dog.
89
00:02:51,245 --> 00:02:51,987
What's wrong?
90
00:02:51,989 --> 00:02:53,422
Oh, no.
91
00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:55,547
Big Lots discovered
our double coupon scam.
92
00:02:55,572 --> 00:02:57,728
No, it's not that, no.
93
00:02:57,772 --> 00:03:00,540
I missed my period.
94
00:03:00,971 --> 00:03:02,275
I'm late.
95
00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:04,266
That's bigger than Big Lots.
96
00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:05,434
Yes.
97
00:03:06,918 --> 00:03:08,351
All right.
98
00:03:09,211 --> 00:03:09,939
Stay calm.
99
00:03:09,941 --> 00:03:10,661
Okay.
100
00:03:10,686 --> 00:03:11,918
You stay here and relax.
101
00:03:12,009 --> 00:03:13,028
I'm going to go to the store,
102
00:03:13,053 --> 00:03:14,620
get a pregnancy test, you know.
103
00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:16,479
No need for us to freak out.
104
00:03:16,481 --> 00:03:17,037
Whew, okay.
105
00:03:17,070 --> 00:03:18,540
Unless we know what
we're freaking out about.
106
00:03:19,484 --> 00:03:20,550
Might want to do your pants up.
107
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:22,308
- Yep.
- Okay.
108
00:03:24,862 --> 00:03:26,088
I'm freaking out.
109
00:03:26,090 --> 00:03:27,857
We were always so careful.
110
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:29,859
Except for sometimes when we weren't.
111
00:03:29,861 --> 00:03:31,658
Maybe it's wrong, tests can be wrong.
112
00:03:31,683 --> 00:03:34,322
Here, take another one...
I bought a ton of them.
113
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:35,946
There was a special at the dollar store.
114
00:03:35,971 --> 00:03:37,080
They were a dollar.
115
00:03:37,307 --> 00:03:39,974
Matt, you bought pregnancy
tests at the dollar store?
116
00:03:39,976 --> 00:03:41,076
Yeah, I'm not going
to spend a ton of money
117
00:03:41,078 --> 00:03:42,210
on something you're
just going to pee on.
118
00:03:42,673 --> 00:03:44,207
Everybody knows there are two things
119
00:03:44,232 --> 00:03:45,814
you never buy at the dollar store:
120
00:03:45,816 --> 00:03:47,582
pregnancy tests and crab.
121
00:03:47,584 --> 00:03:49,451
Oh.
122
00:03:52,989 --> 00:03:54,422
I saw that.
123
00:03:57,810 --> 00:04:01,846
So expensive, full-price
test results are...?
124
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,033
- Not pregnant.
- Oh, thank God.
125
00:04:05,035 --> 00:04:06,072
And not that I don't want
126
00:04:06,097 --> 00:04:08,113
to have many babies with you some day.
127
00:04:08,138 --> 00:04:10,096
Totally, some day.
128
00:04:10,121 --> 00:04:11,821
But babies are expensive.
129
00:04:12,350 --> 00:04:14,175
Which reminds me,
130
00:04:14,177 --> 00:04:16,644
I think you should return
those pregnancy tests.
131
00:04:16,646 --> 00:04:17,946
I only peed on one.
132
00:04:18,108 --> 00:04:19,640
Mmm-hmm.
133
00:04:19,665 --> 00:04:22,166
Uh, maybe we should hold onto them,
134
00:04:22,486 --> 00:04:25,019
because I bought our condoms
at the dollar store, too.
135
00:04:26,448 --> 00:04:27,707
60 for a dollar.
136
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:29,901
_
137
00:04:29,926 --> 00:04:33,809
Okay, so at 10:30 you
have Mrs. Barnett for...
138
00:04:33,834 --> 00:04:34,729
Tim, that's for charity.
139
00:04:34,731 --> 00:04:36,097
It's not a tip jar.
140
00:04:36,429 --> 00:04:37,432
SYLVIE: Oh, Dr. Hughes,
141
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:39,226
I got the acne medication for your son.
142
00:04:39,251 --> 00:04:40,702
- Thank you...
- That's for Tim's back.
143
00:04:40,704 --> 00:04:41,336
Heather!
144
00:04:41,338 --> 00:04:43,105
Oh, you have bacne?
145
00:04:43,130 --> 00:04:45,651
Yeah, it flares up when
he wears his jammie dress.
146
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:46,985
It's a nightshirt.
147
00:04:47,010 --> 00:04:48,109
Can you give us a second?
148
00:04:48,111 --> 00:04:49,344
Okay.
149
00:04:51,148 --> 00:04:53,826
Please do not discuss
my personal business
150
00:04:53,851 --> 00:04:54,749
with the staff.
151
00:04:54,751 --> 00:04:55,950
You keep doing that.
152
00:04:55,952 --> 00:04:57,220
Oh, chill out.
153
00:04:57,245 --> 00:05:00,031
You told everybody how nervous
I was for my first day here.
154
00:05:00,056 --> 00:05:01,869
That's not the same as bacne.
155
00:05:01,894 --> 00:05:03,360
Sylvie idolizes me.
156
00:05:03,385 --> 00:05:06,594
I'm like a father figure to
her and she has a crush on me,
157
00:05:06,596 --> 00:05:08,418
as does everybody else in this place.
158
00:05:08,443 --> 00:05:10,398
Look, just stop embarrassing me.
159
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,333
You want me to stop embarrassing you?
160
00:05:12,335 --> 00:05:13,278
- Yeah.
- Okay.
161
00:05:13,303 --> 00:05:14,736
Because you have food stains
162
00:05:14,738 --> 00:05:16,404
on the back of your lab coat.
163
00:05:16,406 --> 00:05:19,240
That's because I turn it
around when I eat ribs.
164
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,006
All right.
165
00:05:25,031 --> 00:05:27,182
I know we always said we'd
be honest with each other
166
00:05:27,207 --> 00:05:30,124
and there's clearly a problem
here that we need to discuss.
167
00:05:30,149 --> 00:05:31,719
I'm not wearing lipstick.
168
00:05:31,721 --> 00:05:34,965
It's tinted lip balm.
169
00:05:34,990 --> 00:05:36,591
You should try it before you rail on me.
170
00:05:36,882 --> 00:05:37,691
No.
171
00:05:37,741 --> 00:05:40,639
This is about the problem
that you have with Heather.
172
00:05:41,031 --> 00:05:43,898
I am not going to stand in your
way if you want to fire her.
173
00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:45,665
No, she's great.
174
00:05:45,690 --> 00:05:47,569
She's the best
receptionist we've ever had.
175
00:05:47,571 --> 00:05:49,285
All right, look, I can
read between the lines.
176
00:05:49,310 --> 00:05:50,715
You want her gone by the end of the day.
177
00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:51,769
That's fine.
178
00:05:51,794 --> 00:05:53,313
Just make sure she knows it was you.
179
00:05:53,579 --> 00:05:55,009
You want to fire your wife?
180
00:05:55,011 --> 00:05:56,314
Hmm.
181
00:05:56,339 --> 00:05:58,829
Well, I hadn't thought about
it, but now that you bring it up,
182
00:05:59,182 --> 00:06:02,083
yes, I want it more
than anything in life.
183
00:06:04,627 --> 00:06:05,477
Hi.
184
00:06:05,518 --> 00:06:07,008
- About earlier,
- Yeah.
185
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,982
I thought that there's
a bigger issue here
186
00:06:09,007 --> 00:06:11,315
that we kind of need to talk about.
187
00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:12,404
Oh, I agree.
188
00:06:12,429 --> 00:06:15,639
I-I am not happy with
the way things are going.
189
00:06:15,664 --> 00:06:17,086
Yeah, me, neither.
190
00:06:17,130 --> 00:06:21,983
And I've been thinking we
really need to make a change.
191
00:06:22,008 --> 00:06:23,374
So...
192
00:06:24,158 --> 00:06:25,160
TIM: Well,
193
00:06:25,592 --> 00:06:27,575
she's no longer our receptionist.
194
00:06:27,577 --> 00:06:28,721
Well done, Tim.
195
00:06:28,746 --> 00:06:30,937
Oh, hey, guys.
196
00:06:30,962 --> 00:06:32,665
Loving my new parking spot.
197
00:06:32,690 --> 00:06:34,979
I'm going to go see if
I can fit a water feature
198
00:06:35,004 --> 00:06:36,871
into my new office.
199
00:06:39,452 --> 00:06:40,655
You promoted her?
200
00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:43,224
- Yeah.
- You were supposed to fire her.
201
00:06:43,441 --> 00:06:45,507
On her first day as office coordinator?
202
00:06:45,532 --> 00:06:46,764
Oh, that's harsh.
203
00:06:47,143 --> 00:06:48,462
But it needs to be done,
204
00:06:48,487 --> 00:06:51,888
and as her husband it
might as well come from me.
205
00:06:52,638 --> 00:06:56,371
I'm sorry, Heather, but you're fired...
206
00:06:57,165 --> 00:06:58,214
Is what I want you to say.
207
00:06:58,239 --> 00:07:00,074
But you're HR for the medical group,
208
00:07:00,076 --> 00:07:02,570
so feel free to make it your own.
209
00:07:02,937 --> 00:07:05,513
Thank you, I love how
creative my job is.
210
00:07:05,515 --> 00:07:06,892
We'll give her a call
first thing tomorrow.
211
00:07:06,917 --> 00:07:08,010
Good, that'll give me a chance
212
00:07:08,035 --> 00:07:09,968
to take her out tonight
to soften the blow.
213
00:07:10,661 --> 00:07:12,420
You won't promote her, right?
214
00:07:12,422 --> 00:07:14,455
Because I hear that sort
of thing happens sometimes,
215
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,413
which is crazy.
216
00:07:18,116 --> 00:07:20,932
I got to say, this is so nice.
217
00:07:20,957 --> 00:07:22,974
Only the best for my bride.
218
00:07:22,999 --> 00:07:24,899
You mean your office coordinator.
219
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:26,199
- Mmm.
- I got to tell you, babe,
220
00:07:26,224 --> 00:07:27,502
I did not see that coming.
221
00:07:27,504 --> 00:07:28,469
Yeah, one day you're up,
222
00:07:28,471 --> 00:07:29,394
the next you're down.
223
00:07:29,419 --> 00:07:31,522
None of it really matters
as long as you have
224
00:07:31,547 --> 00:07:33,732
- a life as rich as ours...
- Yeah.
225
00:07:33,948 --> 00:07:35,176
outside of work.
226
00:07:35,178 --> 00:07:36,477
That's the good stuff.
227
00:07:36,479 --> 00:07:38,221
Oh, that is so sweet.
228
00:07:38,246 --> 00:07:41,259
Listen, we should talk.
229
00:07:41,525 --> 00:07:43,530
I'm so happy to be back,
230
00:07:43,555 --> 00:07:45,130
you know, out there in the work force.
231
00:07:45,155 --> 00:07:46,596
I just...
232
00:07:46,706 --> 00:07:49,307
I'm not sure that your office
is the right fit for me.
233
00:07:50,235 --> 00:07:51,292
Wait, are you quitting?
234
00:07:51,294 --> 00:07:53,519
Yes, I'm so sorry... I
love you so much, honey,
235
00:07:53,544 --> 00:07:55,563
and I think we're such
a great couple at home
236
00:07:55,565 --> 00:07:58,902
and I don't want to risk losing
any of that magic that we have
237
00:07:58,927 --> 00:08:01,118
- in our marriage by spending...
- Spending too much time together!
238
00:08:01,143 --> 00:08:02,398
- Yes!
- I feel the same way.
239
00:08:02,423 --> 00:08:03,938
Oh, my God, you do?
240
00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:06,217
God, Tim, we are so in sync.
241
00:08:06,242 --> 00:08:06,903
We are just...
242
00:08:06,928 --> 00:08:07,986
That is why we are the envy
243
00:08:08,011 --> 00:08:08,826
of all of our friends.
244
00:08:08,851 --> 00:08:09,977
Ah.
245
00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:11,512
Wait a minute.
246
00:08:11,514 --> 00:08:15,074
If you felt that way, why
didn't you say anything to me?
247
00:08:16,793 --> 00:08:20,322
Well, I just knew how
much you loved the job
248
00:08:20,347 --> 00:08:23,266
and the last thing I wanted
to do was hurt your feelings.
249
00:08:23,291 --> 00:08:25,283
Oh, honey, that is so sweet.
250
00:08:25,308 --> 00:08:27,486
(cell phone ringing) I
thought I shut that off.
251
00:08:27,511 --> 00:08:29,250
That touches my heart that you...
252
00:08:30,102 --> 00:08:30,999
Oh, it's HR.
253
00:08:31,024 --> 00:08:31,864
- HR?
- You know what?
254
00:08:31,889 --> 00:08:33,427
I didn't turn in my timecard yesterday.
255
00:08:33,452 --> 00:08:35,269
Give it to me, they're not
supposed to call tonight.
256
00:08:35,271 --> 00:08:35,937
Hi, Matilda.
257
00:08:35,939 --> 00:08:36,671
She's quitting.
258
00:08:36,673 --> 00:08:38,201
- Hey, she quit!
- Okay.
259
00:08:38,381 --> 00:08:39,714
- Oh!
- What's wrong with you?
260
00:08:40,415 --> 00:08:41,409
Oh.
261
00:08:41,790 --> 00:08:43,036
Oh, okay, okay.
262
00:08:43,061 --> 00:08:43,872
Can we get a box?
263
00:08:43,897 --> 00:08:46,077
It's... no, thank you for
calling and telling me.
264
00:08:46,102 --> 00:08:47,668
- Yeah.
- Checking my phone.
265
00:08:47,717 --> 00:08:49,283
That's nice.
266
00:08:49,285 --> 00:08:50,385
I just got fired.
267
00:08:51,149 --> 00:08:53,396
What?
268
00:08:53,498 --> 00:08:55,456
No! Why?
269
00:08:55,458 --> 00:08:56,691
Did you fire me, Tim?
270
00:08:57,301 --> 00:08:58,948
What?
271
00:08:58,973 --> 00:08:59,784
No!
272
00:08:59,809 --> 00:09:00,995
Oh, Tim.
273
00:09:01,654 --> 00:09:02,231
Well, I...
274
00:09:02,256 --> 00:09:04,142
Oh!
275
00:09:04,522 --> 00:09:06,567
Okay, I admit this was handled poorly.
276
00:09:06,569 --> 00:09:07,735
You think?
277
00:09:07,906 --> 00:09:09,765
I knew that you just, you know,
278
00:09:09,790 --> 00:09:11,451
you wanted to preserve
the magic of the marriage.
279
00:09:11,476 --> 00:09:13,840
Okay, well, actually,
you didn't know that.
280
00:09:13,865 --> 00:09:15,449
- Okay, I didn't know that.
- No.
281
00:09:15,474 --> 00:09:17,412
But look, I felt the
same way, so it's perfect.
282
00:09:17,414 --> 00:09:18,646
I solved our problem.
283
00:09:18,648 --> 00:09:19,981
Oh, yeah.
284
00:09:19,983 --> 00:09:20,677
Yeah.
285
00:09:20,702 --> 00:09:21,834
You solved that problem.
286
00:09:21,859 --> 00:09:24,193
Now you have a new problem.
287
00:09:24,218 --> 00:09:26,564
Hey... well, ha-ha to you.
288
00:09:26,589 --> 00:09:29,690
You can take my wallet, but
I still have the valet ticket.
289
00:09:29,692 --> 00:09:31,259
Oh, no, I don't... wait, Heather!
290
00:09:31,261 --> 00:09:32,493
Heather, wait!
291
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,732
I'm done flying forever.
292
00:09:36,824 --> 00:09:40,592
Except at the indoor skydiving
place that couldn't lift Daddy.
293
00:09:42,925 --> 00:09:44,458
That was a hard day for me.
294
00:09:44,931 --> 00:09:46,784
_
295
00:09:47,124 --> 00:09:49,780
Amelia Earhart received many awards
296
00:09:49,805 --> 00:09:52,790
and inspired many other
women with her bravery,
297
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,109
until 1937,
298
00:09:55,134 --> 00:09:58,369
when she disappeared while
trying to fly around the world.
299
00:09:58,904 --> 00:10:00,749
Her plane was never found,
300
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:04,943
but there is little doubt she
crashed, probably in a volcano.
301
00:10:05,117 --> 00:10:06,884
So, in conclusion,
302
00:10:06,909 --> 00:10:09,781
never fly in a plane or you will die.
303
00:10:10,139 --> 00:10:11,771
Because Amelia was the best
304
00:10:11,796 --> 00:10:12,962
at flying,
305
00:10:12,964 --> 00:10:14,326
and now she's a skeleton
306
00:10:14,351 --> 00:10:18,311
in a volcano with her
face frozen in horror
307
00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:20,736
like those poor people in Pompeii.
308
00:10:20,738 --> 00:10:21,804
Thank you.
309
00:10:22,729 --> 00:10:23,407
(applause)
310
00:10:23,432 --> 00:10:26,151
Oh, and I made a picture, too.
311
00:10:26,176 --> 00:10:27,822
JOAN: Oh, look at that.
312
00:10:28,046 --> 00:10:31,314
I have a patient who
draws just like that.
313
00:10:31,724 --> 00:10:32,686
Had a patient.
314
00:10:32,688 --> 00:10:33,983
HEATHER: Honey, I'm not sure
315
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,667
that the end of your report
316
00:10:35,692 --> 00:10:37,407
is entirely accurate.
317
00:10:37,432 --> 00:10:40,097
Yeah, lava would
totally melt a skeleton.
318
00:10:40,122 --> 00:10:41,121
Come on.
319
00:10:41,361 --> 00:10:42,475
HEATHER: No, I mean that
320
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,732
that crash, that was a long time ago
321
00:10:44,757 --> 00:10:47,067
and planes are very, very safe now.
322
00:10:47,069 --> 00:10:48,769
- Yeah?
- Safer than driving a car.
323
00:10:48,771 --> 00:10:49,703
Yeah.
324
00:10:49,705 --> 00:10:52,106
Well, I'm done flying forever,
325
00:10:52,389 --> 00:10:56,538
except at the indoor skydiving
place that couldn't lift Daddy.
326
00:10:58,627 --> 00:11:00,460
That was a hard day for me.
327
00:11:00,846 --> 00:11:02,513
HEATHER: Dad, come on. Help me out.
328
00:11:02,538 --> 00:11:03,644
You've been flying for years.
329
00:11:03,669 --> 00:11:05,867
Tell her that there is
nothing to be afraid of.
330
00:11:06,019 --> 00:11:07,185
I'll talk to her.
331
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,638
TIM: I mean if you rent a jumpsuit
332
00:11:08,663 --> 00:11:10,617
- that's big enough for a customer...
- I know, sweetie.
333
00:11:10,648 --> 00:11:12,036
the thing should be able to lift him.
334
00:11:12,061 --> 00:11:13,057
Hey, you were wronged.
335
00:11:13,082 --> 00:11:14,515
You were wronged that day.
336
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:19,510
You said you were taking me
to Costco to buy a motorcycle.
337
00:11:19,535 --> 00:11:21,680
- What? Did I say that?
- Mmm-hmm.
338
00:11:21,705 --> 00:11:25,407
The truth is I want you to see
the inside of a real airplane,
339
00:11:25,675 --> 00:11:27,337
you know, for your report.
340
00:11:29,312 --> 00:11:31,812
After we prime the engine here...
341
00:11:32,956 --> 00:11:35,215
we yell, "Clear prop!",
342
00:11:35,217 --> 00:11:37,418
and then we just turn this key.
343
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:39,486
(engine starts)
344
00:11:41,165 --> 00:11:43,893
You said we were just
looking at switches.
345
00:11:44,205 --> 00:11:45,759
- Did I say that?
- Yeah.
346
00:11:46,315 --> 00:11:49,770
I just want you to see how fun
it is to roll down the runway.
347
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,881
We're staying on the runway, right?
348
00:11:56,906 --> 00:11:58,940
Sure are.
349
00:12:05,348 --> 00:12:08,115
You just said we were
staying on the runway.
350
00:12:08,117 --> 00:12:10,261
- Oh, did I say that?
- Yeah!
351
00:12:10,286 --> 00:12:13,054
I just want to take you up
and do a quick barrel roll.
352
00:12:13,823 --> 00:12:15,989
(Sophia screaming)
353
00:12:18,513 --> 00:12:20,761
See, you don't have to
be scared, sweetheart.
354
00:12:20,763 --> 00:12:24,298
All planes glide nice and
easy like those seagulls there.
355
00:12:25,801 --> 00:12:28,335
They do look like they're having fun.
356
00:12:28,337 --> 00:12:30,371
And so are we.
357
00:12:30,373 --> 00:12:32,339
(clunking noise, screaming)
358
00:12:32,341 --> 00:12:33,640
You hit one!
359
00:12:33,642 --> 00:12:34,708
He hit us.
360
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:35,648
You're not supposed to divert
361
00:12:35,673 --> 00:12:37,321
from your flight path like that.
362
00:12:37,346 --> 00:12:38,846
He's a bird.
363
00:12:38,848 --> 00:12:41,148
He's a dodo bird.
364
00:12:41,150 --> 00:12:44,618
(engine falters and stops)
365
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:46,687
Why did that stop spinning?
366
00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:48,286
Don't we need that?
367
00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:50,401
Uh, I just turned it off for a second
368
00:12:50,426 --> 00:12:53,523
so you could hear how
nice and quiet it sounds
369
00:12:53,548 --> 00:12:57,049
at 6,000, 5,000, 4,000...
370
00:12:57,199 --> 00:12:58,565
I think I'll turn it right back on now.
371
00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:02,269
(engine struggling)
372
00:13:02,271 --> 00:13:04,271
Okay, now you can hear the fancy code
373
00:13:04,273 --> 00:13:06,407
that pilots use when
they talk to the tower.
374
00:13:06,409 --> 00:13:07,841
Mayday, mayday.
375
00:13:07,843 --> 00:13:10,444
Doesn't mayday mean
there's something wrong?
376
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:11,945
Oh, no, if something was wrong
377
00:13:11,947 --> 00:13:14,148
I would say, uh, "Foam the runway.
378
00:13:14,150 --> 00:13:16,150
"Foam the runway. Charlie 408,
379
00:13:16,152 --> 00:13:17,885
we're experiencing engine failure."
380
00:13:17,887 --> 00:13:19,685
We don't have an engine?
381
00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:21,140
Sure we do.
382
00:13:21,165 --> 00:13:23,837
We got an engine right here.
383
00:13:24,994 --> 00:13:26,193
We don't have an engine.
384
00:13:26,195 --> 00:13:27,528
Are we going to die?!
385
00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:28,386
No!
386
00:13:28,411 --> 00:13:29,915
Because we have an engine.
387
00:13:29,940 --> 00:13:30,731
(engine struggling)
388
00:13:31,212 --> 00:13:31,999
Damn it.
389
00:13:32,024 --> 00:13:32,866
Mayday, mayday.
390
00:13:32,868 --> 00:13:34,635
November Charlie 408.
391
00:13:34,637 --> 00:13:36,505
We'd like to declare an emergency.
392
00:13:36,530 --> 00:13:40,741
Get those trucks on
standby and some ice cream.
393
00:13:40,743 --> 00:13:43,987
The ground is coming
up really fast, Pop-Pop.
394
00:13:44,012 --> 00:13:45,312
Which is good.
395
00:13:45,381 --> 00:13:48,115
That's where we want to be, right?
396
00:13:48,117 --> 00:13:51,349
Hey, let's make sure that
seatbelt is nice and snug,
397
00:13:51,374 --> 00:13:53,505
but not too snug, so you can loosen it
398
00:13:53,530 --> 00:13:55,546
in case we catch on fire.
399
00:13:55,571 --> 00:13:57,134
Fire?
400
00:13:57,159 --> 00:13:58,192
(moans)
401
00:13:58,506 --> 00:14:00,606
JOHN: Okay, now, hold on.
402
00:14:01,297 --> 00:14:04,631
(rubber squealing)
403
00:14:04,633 --> 00:14:05,999
(gasps)
404
00:14:10,005 --> 00:14:11,872
(sighs)
405
00:14:11,874 --> 00:14:15,604
Ground, this is November Charlie 408.
406
00:14:15,629 --> 00:14:18,496
How are we doing with that ice cream?
407
00:14:21,455 --> 00:14:23,394
I know what you were doing up there.
408
00:14:24,004 --> 00:14:24,952
Huh?
409
00:14:24,954 --> 00:14:27,045
You made it seem like
we were going to die
410
00:14:27,070 --> 00:14:29,657
so that I could see that
planes can always land
411
00:14:29,682 --> 00:14:31,508
no matter how bad things get.
412
00:14:32,688 --> 00:14:33,913
And it worked.
413
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,231
I'm not afraid to fly anymore.
414
00:14:36,424 --> 00:14:37,341
Thank you, Pop-Pop.
415
00:14:37,366 --> 00:14:39,166
Yeah, you know what?
416
00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:41,725
I think I'm going to check
that tire pressure real quick.
417
00:14:46,609 --> 00:14:48,475
(vomiting)
418
00:14:51,881 --> 00:14:53,140
I got the camera, I just need you
419
00:14:53,165 --> 00:14:54,414
to tell me, which filter do you want,
420
00:14:54,416 --> 00:14:58,051
Polaroid Transfer, Unfinished
Basement, or Grainy in Paris.
421
00:14:58,053 --> 00:14:59,920
Yeah, I don't know what
you're saying, but no.
422
00:14:59,922 --> 00:15:01,054
No, got it.
423
00:15:02,282 --> 00:15:04,202
_
424
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:09,309
Happy birthday to you
425
00:15:09,334 --> 00:15:14,408
Happy birthday to you...
426
00:15:14,433 --> 00:15:15,872
Sorry, sorry, sorry...
hold on, I'm sorry.
427
00:15:15,897 --> 00:15:16,785
No, something doesn't feel right.
428
00:15:16,810 --> 00:15:17,909
What is wrong with this picture?
429
00:15:18,099 --> 00:15:19,576
Yeah, I know, I know.
430
00:15:19,663 --> 00:15:20,995
You're absolutely right.
431
00:15:20,997 --> 00:15:22,964
You know, we thought that that
short hair would look chic,
432
00:15:22,966 --> 00:15:24,105
but she looks like garbage.
433
00:15:24,130 --> 00:15:25,199
No.
434
00:15:25,201 --> 00:15:27,969
No, this just, this feels very sad.
435
00:15:27,971 --> 00:15:32,240
Us alone, nobody else here
to celebrate her big moment.
436
00:15:32,242 --> 00:15:33,699
She's going to look back on this picture
437
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:36,799
and just think that, like,
her birthday was a bummer.
438
00:15:36,824 --> 00:15:37,674
Okay, all right.
439
00:15:37,699 --> 00:15:40,251
So how can we fix this?
440
00:15:40,276 --> 00:15:42,476
Maybe we should invite...
441
00:15:43,687 --> 00:15:45,620
Uh, family?
442
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:46,939
Family.
443
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:48,767
Your family?
444
00:15:48,792 --> 00:15:50,680
Because your family is
on a boat in Nova Scotia.
445
00:15:50,705 --> 00:15:51,696
Nova Scotia, yeah.
446
00:15:51,721 --> 00:15:53,440
According to their last
ham radio broadcast.
447
00:15:53,465 --> 00:15:54,942
Yeah, I realize that.
448
00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:58,323
So that really only leaves.
449
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:00,900
(struggling): Don't make me say it.
450
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,816
Happy birthday, baby!
451
00:16:04,841 --> 00:16:06,893
Oh, I had to cancel my book club,
452
00:16:06,918 --> 00:16:10,519
but that's okay, because I'm so
tired of those bitches anyway.
453
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:13,715
At least some of them
are starting to die off.
454
00:16:14,036 --> 00:16:17,518
Well, we're so happy you guys
could all come last-minute.
455
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,120
Yeah, I didn't get to finish my round,
456
00:16:19,122 --> 00:16:20,985
but they'd already asked
me to leave the course,
457
00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:22,523
so it worked out.
458
00:16:22,525 --> 00:16:24,576
Well, now that we're all here
and Lark's in a good mood,
459
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,418
why don't we gather around
the table and do the cake?
460
00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:27,365
I'll go get the camera.
461
00:16:27,390 --> 00:16:29,960
Actually can you hold off on
the cake for just a few minutes?
462
00:16:29,985 --> 00:16:33,127
Clemmie and I planned a little
birthday performance for Lark.
463
00:16:33,152 --> 00:16:34,412
CLEMENTINE: Yeah, and
we find that people
464
00:16:34,437 --> 00:16:35,482
tend to leave mid-song
465
00:16:35,507 --> 00:16:37,474
unless they're waiting
around for something good.
466
00:16:37,889 --> 00:16:38,814
Okay.
467
00:16:39,335 --> 00:16:40,401
Okay, got the camera.
468
00:16:40,426 --> 00:16:41,234
Put the camera down, Greg.
469
00:16:41,259 --> 00:16:42,145
Okay.
470
00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:44,580
Chafing
471
00:16:44,605 --> 00:16:46,299
Burning
472
00:16:46,324 --> 00:16:49,258
The redness everywhere.
473
00:16:50,223 --> 00:16:53,291
The product of our friction
474
00:16:53,825 --> 00:16:56,958
Has left me itching and bare
475
00:16:57,436 --> 00:16:58,876
Don't let them know
476
00:16:58,901 --> 00:17:02,036
That the sting is potent
477
00:17:02,061 --> 00:17:05,729
The blister of our love hurts.
478
00:17:06,805 --> 00:17:07,969
Yeah. Really good.
479
00:17:08,237 --> 00:17:10,407
That song is called "Love Blister"
480
00:17:10,432 --> 00:17:11,631
Based on a true story.
481
00:17:12,486 --> 00:17:14,008
But-but he's okay now.
482
00:17:14,189 --> 00:17:15,522
Oh, good, good.
483
00:17:15,713 --> 00:17:17,112
- Oh, hi, guys.
- Hey.
484
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,449
Just wanted to thank you again
485
00:17:18,474 --> 00:17:20,503
for inviting us last-minute.
486
00:17:20,528 --> 00:17:23,295
- And this, this is for Lark.
- Ooh.
487
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,403
A beautiful rose...
488
00:17:24,427 --> 00:17:26,014
- for a beautiful one-year-old girl.
- How beautiful.
489
00:17:26,015 --> 00:17:28,523
- Yeah, it's fresh from our garden.
- Mhm.
490
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,524
Ah.
491
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:32,160
Or from the gas station on the way here.
492
00:17:32,162 --> 00:17:33,127
Yeah.
493
00:17:33,129 --> 00:17:34,499
Should we do the cake?
494
00:17:34,524 --> 00:17:36,097
- Let's do the... and the camera.
- And the camera. Yes.
495
00:17:36,099 --> 00:17:37,480
Let me get the camera ready.
496
00:17:37,505 --> 00:17:39,072
WOMAN (knocks at door): Hello!
497
00:17:40,275 --> 00:17:42,847
Where's the birthday girl or groom?
498
00:17:42,872 --> 00:17:44,191
Not sure what this is.
499
00:17:44,216 --> 00:17:45,415
Vicky, come on in.
500
00:17:45,608 --> 00:17:46,774
Hey, guys.
501
00:17:46,776 --> 00:17:50,111
This is my present to
Lark, a real, live princess.
502
00:17:50,530 --> 00:17:51,765
Dad?
503
00:17:53,921 --> 00:17:55,216
What is going on?
504
00:17:55,218 --> 00:17:58,686
Well, Vicky is the drink
cart girl at the club.
505
00:17:58,688 --> 00:17:59,754
I asked her what she did
506
00:17:59,756 --> 00:18:03,550
on the side for extra
money, and she said this.
507
00:18:03,575 --> 00:18:06,127
John, why would you ask her that?
508
00:18:06,347 --> 00:18:08,365
I was just making conversation.
509
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:11,091
Why does anyone ask anybody anything?
510
00:18:11,664 --> 00:18:13,178
Oh, I have a pair of those.
511
00:18:13,203 --> 00:18:14,669
Well, now you have two.
512
00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:16,628
Hey, let's get the
picture thing going, right?
513
00:18:16,653 --> 00:18:18,020
While Lark's still in a good mood?
514
00:18:18,045 --> 00:18:19,874
I got the camera... guys,
let's all gather round,
515
00:18:19,876 --> 00:18:21,775
take a photo with Lark, okay?
516
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,443
(crying)
517
00:18:23,468 --> 00:18:24,800
JEN: Oh, no, no, no
518
00:18:24,825 --> 00:18:26,157
no, no, no, no, no.
519
00:18:26,182 --> 00:18:28,516
- No, she's crying.
- Guys, I think she's teething.
520
00:18:28,518 --> 00:18:30,284
Oh, give her to me.
521
00:18:30,286 --> 00:18:32,730
I've got a great remedy for teething.
522
00:18:32,755 --> 00:18:33,912
- Really?
- Yes, I do.
523
00:18:33,937 --> 00:18:35,347
I'll bring her right back.
524
00:18:35,372 --> 00:18:36,851
Okay, I'm going to get the cake.
525
00:18:36,876 --> 00:18:38,286
Yeah, I got the camera, I just need you
526
00:18:38,311 --> 00:18:39,629
to tell me, which filter do you want?
527
00:18:39,654 --> 00:18:41,993
I got Polaroid Transfer,
Unfinished Basement,
528
00:18:42,018 --> 00:18:44,034
or Grainy in Paris.
529
00:18:44,059 --> 00:18:45,900
I don't know what you're saying, but no.
530
00:18:45,902 --> 00:18:47,229
No, got it.
531
00:18:50,702 --> 00:18:51,710
- You know, I wish we had had...
- Yeah.
532
00:18:51,735 --> 00:18:53,106
these kind of parties with our kids,
533
00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:55,131
just the family and Vicky.
534
00:18:55,344 --> 00:18:56,676
HEATHER (slurring): Vicky's the best.
535
00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:59,146
Hey, can I hire you to
follow me around all the time?
536
00:18:59,148 --> 00:19:01,459
It's $100 an hour, 200 if I'm topless,
537
00:19:01,484 --> 00:19:03,594
- 300 if you want me to...
- Okay, yeah, we're going, okay...
538
00:19:03,619 --> 00:19:04,625
Let's hear her rates.
539
00:19:04,650 --> 00:19:05,762
HEATHER: No, we're good.
540
00:19:05,787 --> 00:19:08,054
I'm going to just take that, thank you.
541
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:09,405
JEN: Joan, what did you do?
542
00:19:09,430 --> 00:19:10,643
She's, like, unconscious.
543
00:19:10,668 --> 00:19:13,435
Oh, I just rubbed a
little whiskey on her gums.
544
00:19:14,389 --> 00:19:15,492
You did what?
545
00:19:15,602 --> 00:19:17,397
Yeah, it always works like a charm.
546
00:19:17,845 --> 00:19:19,374
(stammering): But you...
547
00:19:19,399 --> 00:19:20,398
You gave her alcohol?
548
00:19:20,423 --> 00:19:21,052
JOHN: Oh, sure.
549
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,203
My mom used to rub whiskey on my gums
550
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,939
when I was a baby, and
it had no effect on me.
551
00:19:27,592 --> 00:19:29,559
Vicky, this was supposed to be a double.
552
00:19:30,579 --> 00:19:31,212
Mom?
553
00:19:31,237 --> 00:19:33,086
I mean she's, like, blackout drunk.
554
00:19:33,111 --> 00:19:35,382
She's a little sleeping angel.
555
00:19:35,384 --> 00:19:37,784
All we wanted was a photo of
Lark on her first birthday.
556
00:19:37,786 --> 00:19:39,139
Now she's too wasted to be in it.
557
00:19:39,164 --> 00:19:40,754
No, you know what?
558
00:19:41,293 --> 00:19:42,387
We're still going to get that picture
559
00:19:42,412 --> 00:19:43,995
come hell or high water.
560
00:19:44,020 --> 00:19:49,429
ALL:
Happy birthday, dear Lark
561
00:19:49,616 --> 00:19:55,101
Happy birthday to you.
562
00:19:55,321 --> 00:19:57,459
I've been wanting to use Weekend
at Bernie's technology
563
00:19:57,484 --> 00:19:59,012
since the summer of 1989.
564
00:19:59,037 --> 00:20:00,671
I can't believe I'm finally doing it.
565
00:20:00,696 --> 00:20:03,289
JEN: Yeah, I can't believe
that our one-year-old is drunk
566
00:20:03,314 --> 00:20:05,723
and I have to write a thank-you
note for crotchless panties.
567
00:20:05,748 --> 00:20:06,962
But you know what?
568
00:20:06,987 --> 00:20:08,987
It's not just about the picture.
569
00:20:09,012 --> 00:20:10,345
It's about family.
570
00:20:13,344 --> 00:20:15,455
And how that family is
ruining this picture.
571
00:20:15,457 --> 00:20:19,363
And I want Lark to have that
memory forever, you know?
572
00:20:19,388 --> 00:20:20,521
Me, too, honey.
573
00:20:20,546 --> 00:20:21,561
All right, let's do this.
574
00:20:21,563 --> 00:20:22,242
All right, get in there.
575
00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:23,897
- Okay.
- Which filter do you want me to use?
576
00:20:23,899 --> 00:20:25,227
No, I can't with the filters, okay.
577
00:20:25,252 --> 00:20:26,133
Okay.
578
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,211
Okay.
579
00:20:27,557 --> 00:20:28,746
All right, here we go.
580
00:20:28,771 --> 00:20:29,780
And...
581
00:20:29,805 --> 00:20:31,571
Mommy's all right
582
00:20:31,573 --> 00:20:33,370
Daddy's all right
583
00:20:33,395 --> 00:20:36,661
They just seem a little weird
584
00:20:36,686 --> 00:20:40,121
Surrender, surrender
585
00:20:40,257 --> 00:20:43,859
But don't give yourself away
586
00:20:43,986 --> 00:20:46,052
Ay-ay-ay-ay
587
00:20:46,054 --> 00:20:47,921
Ay-ay-ay!
588
00:20:47,945 --> 00:20:49,745
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
589
00:20:49,795 --> 00:20:54,345
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