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You're�having�a�conversation about�your�pal's�second�cousin.
The�other�day...
Who,�Jarret? No,�Garrets.
He's�a�good�guy.
He�took�me�to�the�movies in�grade�six,
and�he�wouldn't hold�my�hand.
A�young�man's�hands can�get�sweaty
in�that�sort�of�situation.
Then�put�your�arm�around�me, what's�the�problem?
Anywho,�Garrett's�movings�down to�Los�Angeles
to�try�to�be�an�actors.
He's�winning�for the�weather�alone.
Negative. �lt�shouldn't be�warm�all�the�time.
Four�seasons�helps keep�a�man�regular.
Like�a�bowl�of�brans in�the�mornin'.
Huh.
Garrett's�moving�down�to�LA
to�be�an�actor.
Isn't�that�something you�just�kind�of�are?
It's�not�as�if�a�librarian
can�just�call�themselves a�librarian�without collecting�a�paycheck.
They�got�to�work.
That's�correct,�Ms. �Katys.
So�Garrett�is�moving�down to�Los�Angeles
to�try�to�earn�a�livings as�an�actor.
Can�you�do�that? Do�whats?
Well,�earn�a�living as�an�actor.
That's�a�thing? Sure�it�is.
So,�you�can�earn�a�living as�an�actor,�you�say?
Yeah. �How�do�you�think�Brad�Pitt bought�all�those�paintings
and�became�so�passionates about�architecture?
I�would�smash�that�dude with�a�category�five�hurricane ��off�the�coast.
Huh,�Garrett's�going to�LA�to�make�a�living as�an�actor?
What�a�time�to�be�alive.
LA�people�should shut�the�fuck�up. They�eat�tacos.
What's�this? What,�you've�never met�one�before?
That's�all�they fuckin'�talk�about.
"Hey,�you�like�tacos? Let's�get�some�tacos.
"You�know�who's�got�great�tacos?
"Well,�these�guys�have the�best�tacos.
"You�like�tacos,�right?
"Tacos,�tacos,�tacos.
"Venice�Beach�tacos."
It's�fuckin'�fish�steak or�carnitas ����wrapped�in�tortitas.
How�good�can�it�fucking�be?
He's�right. There!
LA�people�should �����shut�the�fuck�up about�hiking,�too.
What's�this?
What,�you�never�met one�of�them�before?
It's�all�they fuckin'�talk�about.
"Have�you�ever�been�on this�hike�before?
"This�is�the�best�hike I've�ever�been�on�before.
"Hiking,�hiking,�hiking.
"Runyon�Canyon. Hiking,�hiking,�hiking."
Just�an�asshole's�word for�"walkin'."
I�wasn't�born�yesterday.
It's�all�tacos�and�hikes, hikes�and�tacos.
Why�don't�you�ever�hike while�you�have�a�taco, you�fuckin'�asshole?
But�how�are�youse�to�know that�hikings�and�tacos aren't�better�in�LA?
They�are.
Aren't�they?
Everything's�better�in�"LA".
Says�who? People�in�LA.
Yeah,�didn't�you never�not�notice
that�people�from�up�here go�down�to�LA,
and�then�they�come�back up�here�calling�it,�"LA"?
Is�that�what�they�do?
LA.
Thank�you. �LA.
And�everything's�better�in�"LA"?
What,�you�never�met �����one�of�them�before? That's�all�they�talk�about.
What,�you've never�even�been�to�LA?
You�have�to�come�to�LA, you'll�love�LA.
LA,�LA.�Toyota�Hybrid fucking�cars. �LA.
Oh,�yeah,�you�think you�know�tacos,�eh?
I'll�tell�you, ������you're�some�kind�of fucking�asshole
if�you�think�you�know�tacos, you�never�had�a�taco�in�"LA".
Think�you�know�hiking?
You've�never�seen�a�hike�until you've�had�a�hike�in�"LA".
Ugh, I�hate�the�weather�up�here
it's�so�much�warmer�in�LA.
Oh,�yeah, �didn't�you�not�know it�gets�just�as�cold�in�"LA"?
It's�just�different kind�of�cold�in�"LA".
It's�a�desert,�you�know?
Pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.
That's�exactly�what�I�says, "Pull�your�finger �����out�of�your�ass."
Now,�hold�your�horses�here.
Who's�do�youse�knows that's�ever�beens�to�LA?
What's�this�about�LA?
Whose�crib�is�it�anyways?
I�dealt,�my�crib.
I�loves�cribbage.
Run�of�three, that's�it�for�me.
Run�of�four, I'm�out�the�door.
Uh,�fifteen-two,
double�on�the�eight�for�ten,
and�jack�of�suits for�elevens,
which�is�a�pretty�hard�numbers to�rhymes�with.
Ooh!
What's�we�gettin' ����all�dressed�up�for, Mr. �Saturday�Nights?
Are�you�sure�you're not�tryin'�too�hard,
with�that�button�done�up�there?
Now,�youse�know ������Tanis�and�I�are�givin'�it the�ol'�college�try.
You�know,�I�get ending�things�with�Rosie
because�you�have�feelings for�another�woman...
She�reads�too�much. She�up�to�somethin'.
and�I�back�that. Thank�you,�Katy.
But...
don't�you�think Tanis�is�a�little...
rough�around�the�edges?
How�do�you�mean?
Isn't�her,�uh,�soil�a�bit�rocky?
Isn't�her�grain�a�little�bit rough�for�the�lays?
Well...
only�one�way�to�find�out, super�chieftains.
So�many�off-season reps,�buddy.
So�many�preseason reps,�buddy.
Say�no�to�the�juice.
Ain't�fucking�baseball,�buddy.
We�dug�deep. Buried�down.
Time�to�show�the�boys some�gains.
Coach's�gonna�flip when�he�sees�these�gains.
Gain�Gretzky. Gain�"The�Rock"�Johnson.
Shania�Gain. Gains,�Trains and�Automobiles.
Let's�show�these�boys�that legends�walk�amongst�them.
Hashtag,�legend-life.
You�guys�wanna�go�back�out and�try�that�again?
Maybe�it's�the�lighting�in�here, but�I'm�not�seeing�any�gains.
But...
Doesn't�matter. Team�folded.
Why?
There's�not�enough�bodies. Why?
'Cause�it's�Senior�A whales-shit�hockey!
The�way�I�see�it, you�got�three�options.
You�can�go�to�the�next�town and�play�for�them.
Travel�for whale�shit?
Gains�for�whale�shit was�even�a�stretch.
You�didn't�get�gains.
Traveling�for�whale�shit, that's�a�stretch�too�far.
Hang�'em�up.
Well,�there's�good�rubber left�in�these�wheels, �������though,�boys.
Let's�do�power�skating,�bro. Oh,�good�call,�bro.
Join�a�championship�team right�here�in�Letterkenny...
Hmm.
as�coaches...
with�me.
Oh.
Team's�already�won back-to-back�ships.
We've�actually�never won�a�ship,�buddy.
On�track�to�win back-to-back-to-back�boats.
Love�to�win a�boat,�buddy. Yeah,�buddy.
Then�come�on,
let's�win�a�fuckin'�sea�liner.
Let's�win a�Great�Lakes�freighter.
Let's�win�a�cable�ferry.
Let's�win�a�cabin�cruiser.
Let's�win�a�Boston�whaler.
Let's�win a�recreational�trawler.
Let's�win�a�paddle�steamer!
Let's�win�a�pleasure�barge.
Let's�win�an�outrigger.
Let's�win�a�freshwater�vessel!
Let's�win�a�naval�drifter.
Let's�win�a�water�Rambo!
Let's�win�a�landing�craft!
Let's�win�a�saltwater�lugger!
Let's�win�a�sea�tugger!
Let's�win a�luxury-fuckin'- yacht!
Let's�go!
Yeah!
Wait!
You're�gonna�need an�ice-breaker.
Tanis,�how�are�you�now?
What?
What... What?
The�actual�fuck�was�that?
What? Well,�you're�standing,
breathing,�and�smoking, so�the�other�thing,
The�spitting?
Some�barefaced, uncultivated�version of�it,�yes.
What,�you�never�seen someone�spit�before?
Yes,�an�inexcusably�obese�man in�the�batter's�box
at�a�Blue�Jays�game.
But�you�never�seen a�girl�spit�before.
Yes,�a�six-year-old,�after consuming�an�insect �in�her�ice-cream�cone.
But�you�don't�think girls�should�spit.
I�don't�say�what�girls should�do.
But�you�don't�like�it when�girls�spit.
Preferably�not�within my�line�of�sight,�earshot,
and�in�a�perfect�world,�ever.
You�hungry? Am�I�hungry?
Yeah,�that's�what�I�said.
I'm�immediately�concerned that�sensation�may�never �reestablish�itself,
but�what�a�ride�it's�been.
Oh,�don't�be�so�dramatic.
What�is�this,�the�1950s?
You�want�me�to�go�borrow an�ankle-length�skirt from�my�auntie?
Come�on. I�cooked�for�you.
Let's�go.
Come�on.
He�was�supposed�to�be�here over�an�hour�ago. �Try�him�again.
Stewart,�I�just�tried�him.
And? Straight�to�voicemail.
Aggravating. Stewart!
Agitating. Stewart!
Alarming. Stewart.
Roald.
I�think...
I�may�have�a�problem.
No. �No!
I'm�in�over�my�head! We�all�want�it.
I�have�no�control! We�all�need�it!
Then�where�is�it?
Right�here.
Get�it�out! Give�it�to�me.
I've�got�it! lt's�all�right�here.
But�you�guys�got�meth,�right?
Yes. �Yes,�yes,�yes.
The�drugs�are all�over�there.
Just�bring�me�that�computer and�get�us�to�the�Dark�Web.
First�the�meth, then�the�Dark�Web.
Roald. You�want�some,�too?
I'm�good.
Bring�me�the�Dark�Web over�to�my�stand-up�desk.
Why�do�you�have a�stand-up�desk?
Because�sitting�is quietly�murdering�you.
Actually,�yes,�Roald,�I... I�will�have�some�meth.
And�here�we�are.
The�Dark�Web.
Why�do�you�guys�crave the�Dark�Web�so�much?
Because�the�Dark�Web is�exclusive.
The�Dark�Web is�only�accessible
using�special�software,
users�remain�untraceable
and�anonymous on�the�Dark�Web.
You�can�hire�a�hitman on�the�Dark�Web.
Purchase�illegal�contraband on�the�Dark�Web.
Sell�illegal�contraband on�the�Dark�Web.
Or�you�could�join a�rebel�army.
Or�you�could�build�a�bomb for�your�own�rebel�army �������on�the�Dark�Web.
The�thrill�of�having all�of�that�at�your�fingertips �is�so... metal!
What's�on�the�menu�today,�chef?
I�left�a�tab�open for�you�guys.
Something�I�thought you'd�dig.
It's�funny,�the�way you�last�liked�that , like the�Dark�Web�site�was�food.
'Cause...
"How�to�cook�human�meat!"
Oh,�fuck!
These�Hard�Right�mutts�again.
I�don't�like�these�mutts.
We�could�ignore ��������the�call. Oh,�Stewart!
Let's�ignore�the�call.
But�how�are�we�gonna �find�cool�new�things to�do�on�the�Dark�Web,
unless�we�make �������cool�new�pals on�the�Dark�Web.
Fine,
anything�to�keep the�Dark�Web�sustainable.
But�we�should�sit�for�this.
What�are�you�doing?
What?
Well,�you're�sitting,�breathing, and�taking�your�boots�off,
so,�the�other�thing.
To�borrow�a�phrase�from my�stance�on�social�media,
I�don't�follow.
Crossing�your�legs.
Yeah,�for�a�hot�second, to�take�my�boots�off.
Boots�or�no�boots, �don't�you�think�it's a�little�fruity�loops
for�a�man�to�be sitting�like�that?
On�the�contrary,
I'm�sitting�like�this�because the�less�bending�over �a�man�does,�the�better.
Hmm.
Sounds�homophobic�to�me.
Sounds�chiropractic�to�me.
Hmm. �Just�checking.
I�swing�both�ways,�you�know?
So,�if�you�ever�wanted to�invite�a�girl�over...
or�a�guy...
Are�we�gonna�have a�problem�here,�Tanis?
Let's�just�stop�talking, food's�ready. �Come,�eat.
What's�on�the�Dark�Web�menu today,�gentlemen?
Funny�you put�it�like�that�'cause...
We�were�about�to�enjoy some�Dark�Web�literature
about�how�to�cook human�meat�until...
our�friend�called.
Hmm. �13%�of�human�beings are�can?
13%�sounds�right.
Wrong!�That's�what they�want�you�to�think.
The�truth,�100% of�human�beings�.
The... �The�ones on�Earth,�anyway.
How�do�you know�that?
How�do�I�know�that?
Ha!�Well, let's�rewind�the�clock.
1840,�lreland,
the�potato�famine�forces
thousands�of�those�godless, heathen�bogtrotters
to�migrate�to�North�America.
No�potatoes,�you�say!
Well,�then�what�did �those�paddy-t ?
Fast-forward,�1955, Des�Plaines,�lllinois,
McDonald's�restaurants opened�their�first�location.
Not�a�single�cow�was photographed�that�day,
and�yet�they're serving�burgers?�Gotcha.
Now�McDonald's�openly...
Openly�boasts over�999�billion�served.
Fast-forward,�2016,�Donald�Trump ,
inherits�the�highest�percentage s
in�the�world.
The�left-wing,�fake�news, pinko�media
wants�you�to�think�that�he�spent
16�of�his�first�100�days in�office�golfing.
Wrong. �Wrong!
Donald�J.�Trump�spent�16 of�his�first�100�days,
as�President�of the�United�States,
Commander-in-Chief,
leader�of�the�goddamned free�world,
getting�that�per�capita percentage�of�cannibals
down�from�100�to... �Everett?
Uh... �13%?
That's�right. �Do�the�math.
No,�no,�actually�do... Actually�do�the�math.
Do�the�meth?
We�did�the�meth.
Listen,�uh,�friend.
We've�been�listening�to�you ramble�for�an�hour.
We�only�joined�the�Dark�Web to�see�cool�new�things,
and�join�cool new�movements.
And�make cool�new�pals.
Cool�new�pals,�you�say?
Yes. No.
Stewart.
I�know�how�you�can�make all�the�.
Spare�us�the�hyperbole.
How?
Join�the�Hard�Right!
I�said�that�like�that�was leadin,
but�it's�really�just... Just�joi.
But...
Do�you�like�our�flag? Oh,�you�probably...
couldn't... �Do�you�like�it?
I... �I�designed�it.
Mmm.
Eat�up. �You're�gonna�need fuel�for�later.
What... What?
the�actual�fuck was�that�now?
What�now?
Well,�you're�sitting,�eating, and�breathing,
so,�the�other�thing.
Burping? Yes.
Some�primitive, distressing�version�of�it.
That�was�nothing. Terrific.
You�can�burp,�too. Outstanding.
You�can�fucking�fart, if�you�want.
You�know�why? Because�it's�normal.
But�is�it�fashionable?
It's�becoming...
It's�unbecoming.
Well,�your�boyfriend�Daryl
burps�and�spits.
Dary�also�chases�ducks,
draws�on�the�walls,
and�must�be�told not�to�taste�or�touch
everything�he�sees.
That's�true.
So,�is�it�because�I'm�a�lady?
Who's�a�lady?
So,�what,�you're�saying�that girls�shouldn't�burp,�too?
I�don't�say what�girls�should�do.
Well,�men�shouldn't shackle�women.
We�made�Prohibition�happen, watch�your�step.
Already�walkin'�on�eggshells.
Done�your�food?
That�ship's�clear across�the�pond.
Same. �Let's�go�make�a�fire
'cause�it's�a�beautiful fucking�day.
Is�that�what�it�is? What?
Hmm?
Okay,�pheasants.
We�got�bact-to-back-to-back.
Coast�Guard�Zodiacs at�our�fingertips.
But�full�disclosure,
this�team's�got�a�bit�of an�attitude�problem,�all�right?
Little�battle�of�leadership going�on�in�here.
All�right?�Sure,�they�got�their center�console�skiffs,
but�they�went�through�a�lot of�coaches�in�the�process.
Mundane�details,�boys.
We�want a�twin�engine�jet�boat.
We�want�that�cruise�ship.
That's�the�attitude,�pylons. Now�get�in�there.
All�right.
What�the...
What�are�you�two�doing?
Sorry,�boys... �Ladies.
We�didn't�know you�were�ladies,�boys.
Um... �Not�ladyboys. �We�didn't know�you�were�ladies.
Do�you�think�the�door�is�open to�everyone�here?
Just�because�Mary-Anne looks�like�she's�homeless,
doesn't�mean�you�can treat�it�like�a�shelter.
Fuck�you,�Betty-Anne.
But�she's�right.
Door�isn't�open to�everybody�here.
Just�because�our�mitt�looks like�the�back�of�Christ's�head,
doesn't�mean�you�can�treat it�like�a�church.
Fuck�you,�Mary-Anne.
Your�mitt�looks�like�Babe�Ruth's ball�glove�from�the�dirty�'30s
if�20�more�dudes�spat chewing�tobacco�in�it.
Your�mitt's�actually a�work�of�art,�Betty-Anne.
Like�Salvador�Dali's melting�clocks,
but�instead�of�melting�clocks, it's�melting�salad�bowls
of�off-pink�ice-cream.
Hmm. �I�love�ice-cream, Mary-Anne.
I�love�all�frozen�treats.
Your�mitt�looks�like�I�squeezed a�cherry-red�popsicle�with �a�handful�of�dryer�lint.
Meet�your�new�team,�pheasants.
You�serious�with that�turtleneck?
You�could�lose a�lot�of�heat�in�the�neck,
as�I�like�to�say.
You�mean,�cold?
I�wouldn't�say I'm�hot,�but...
Ugh. �Most�men�I�know wouldn't�complain�about something�like�that.
You�see�the�elephant?
You�mean�next�to the�bus�crash?
That's�the�one. Yeah,�I�see�it.
You�wanna�talk�about�it?
Let's�talk�about�it.
A�woman�can�be�what�she�wants.
That�is�so�nice�of�you to�allow�that.
Not�what�I�meant. I'm�kidding.
A�woman�should�be what�she�wants.
Better.
There's�no�definition of�a�woman.
It's�the�same�as�a�man, there's�no�definition...
No�need�to�womansplain, I'm�aware.
But�a�woman�should�be�with a�man�she�finds... desirable.
And�vice�versa.
Like,�long-term, like�in�a�relationship.
Can't�confirm.
I�don't�think you're�it,�cowboy.
Oh,�you�think? I�know.
Good�enough. Good�stuff.
A�short-term...
on�the�other�hand...
How�short?
A�night. A�night?
An�hour?
Maybe�more�than�an�hour.
A�night. A�night.
Maybe�even�a�morning.
Maybe�even�a�morning.
'Cause�we�didn't�do all�the�things�I�wanted�to�do.
Well,�we�talked, we�ate... lt�was�good,�right?
Thank�you�for�supper. My�pleasure.
We�talked,�we�ate,
we�sat�by�the�fire.
So,�then�the�other�thing.
Good�enough. Good�stuff.
Just�kiddin'!
Fifteen-two, the�rest�won't�do.
Fifteen-four, the�rest�don't�score.
Runs�of�threes, that's�its�for�me's.
Youse�been�playin' all�fuckin'�night?
How'd�it�go,�big�brother?
Do�you�all�know�what,
aside�from�the�end�there,
so�fuckin'�poorly.
Called�it. How�poorly?
So�poor.
He�said,�so�fuckin'�poor.
Talkin'�about�ultra�poor.
Called�it. What�did�I�miss?
Taco�night.
But�not�just any�taco�night.
LA�taco�night.
Oh,�there's�no�taco�night like�an�"LA"�taco�night.
Oh,�yeah. You've�never�had�taco�night
unless�you've�had an�"LA"�taco�night.
Oh,�yeah. �Well, if�it's�taco�night�in�"LA",
then�you�must�have�had�a�hike. Did�youse�have�a�hike?
Oh,�yeah.
You�can't�have�taco�night in�"LA"�without�havin'�a�hike.
Oh,�yeah. We�had�an�LA�hike,
but�it�was�so�cold, it�gets�so�cold�in�LA.
Oh,�yeah. It's�a�deserts,�don't�you�know?
Oh,�yeah. lt�gets�just�as�cold�in�"LA".
It's�just�a�different�kind of�cold�in�"LA".
Pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.
That's�what�I�say, I�said�pull�your�finger �out�of�your�ass,
you're�from�"LA".
Oh,�yeah. You've�got�to�take�La�Cienega to�La�Tijera
if�you're�going�to�LAX�in�"LA".
Oh,�yeah. ����I�will�have�another cold-pressed�juice
'cause�we're�in�LA.
Oh,�yeah. ��I'm�just�poppin'�down to�Trader�Joe's
to�load�up�on�kombuchas�in�"LA".
Oh,�yeah. �You�can ���stick�your�Hybrid�Toyotas straight�up�your�ass,
it's�all�about�Teslas now�in�"LA".
Oh,�yeah. ���lt's�like�you�could�never usually�get�a�pizza
that�was�that�good in�"LA"�until�now.
Oh,�yeah. We're�gonna�have�a�winter�brunch
outside�on�Melrose.
'Cause�you�can�do�that�in�LA.
Oh,�yeah. �I'm�taking improv�classes�at�the�UCBs,
but�only�until�the�groundlings figure�it�out�in�"LA".
Oh,�yeah. �You�better get�joined�in�a�burlesque�troupe if�you're�going�to�"LA."
"LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA"? "LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA". "LA".
"LA"...
Pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.
That's�what�I�say, I�said�pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.
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