All language subtitles for Letterkenny s05e02 The Ol College Try.eng

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Original subtitles

You're�having�a�conversation about�your�pal's�second�cousin.

The�other�day...

Who,�Jarret? No,�Garrets.

He's�a�good�guy.

He�took�me�to�the�movies in�grade�six,

and�he�wouldn't hold�my�hand.

A�young�man's�hands can�get�sweaty

in�that�sort�of�situation.

Then�put�your�arm�around�me, what's�the�problem?

Anywho,�Garrett's�movings�down to�Los�Angeles

to�try�to�be�an�actors.

He's�winning�for the�weather�alone.

Negative. �lt�shouldn't be�warm�all�the�time.

Four�seasons�helps keep�a�man�regular.

Like�a�bowl�of�brans in�the�mornin'.

Huh.

Garrett's�moving�down�to�LA

to�be�an�actor.

Isn't�that�something you�just�kind�of�are?

It's�not�as�if�a�librarian

can�just�call�themselves a�librarian�without collecting�a�paycheck.

They�got�to�work.

That's�correct,�Ms. �Katys.

So�Garrett�is�moving�down to�Los�Angeles

to�try�to�earn�a�livings as�an�actor.

Can�you�do�that? Do�whats?

Well,�earn�a�living as�an�actor.

That's�a�thing? Sure�it�is.

So,�you�can�earn�a�living as�an�actor,�you�say?

Yeah. �How�do�you�think�Brad�Pitt bought�all�those�paintings

and�became�so�passionates about�architecture?

I�would�smash�that�dude with�a�category�five�hurricane ��off�the�coast.

Huh,�Garrett's�going to�LA�to�make�a�living as�an�actor?

What�a�time�to�be�alive.

LA�people�should shut�the�fuck�up. They�eat�tacos.

What's�this? What,�you've�never met�one�before?

That's�all�they fuckin'�talk�about.

"Hey,�you�like�tacos? Let's�get�some�tacos.

"You�know�who's�got�great�tacos?

"Well,�these�guys�have the�best�tacos.

"You�like�tacos,�right?

"Tacos,�tacos,�tacos.

"Venice�Beach�tacos."

It's�fuckin'�fish�steak or�carnitas ����wrapped�in�tortitas.

How�good�can�it�fucking�be?

He's�right. There!

LA�people�should �����shut�the�fuck�up about�hiking,�too.

What's�this?

What,�you�never�met one�of�them�before?

It's�all�they fuckin'�talk�about.

"Have�you�ever�been�on this�hike�before?

"This�is�the�best�hike I've�ever�been�on�before.

"Hiking,�hiking,�hiking.

"Runyon�Canyon. Hiking,�hiking,�hiking."

Just�an�asshole's�word for�"walkin'."

I�wasn't�born�yesterday.

It's�all�tacos�and�hikes, hikes�and�tacos.

Why�don't�you�ever�hike while�you�have�a�taco, you�fuckin'�asshole?

But�how�are�youse�to�know that�hikings�and�tacos aren't�better�in�LA?

They�are.

Aren't�they?

Everything's�better�in�"LA".

Says�who? People�in�LA.

Yeah,�didn't�you never�not�notice

that�people�from�up�here go�down�to�LA,

and�then�they�come�back up�here�calling�it,�"LA"?

Is�that�what�they�do?

LA.

Thank�you. �LA.

And�everything's�better�in�"LA"?

What,�you�never�met �����one�of�them�before? That's�all�they�talk�about.

What,�you've never�even�been�to�LA?

You�have�to�come�to�LA, you'll�love�LA.

LA,�LA.�Toyota�Hybrid fucking�cars. �LA.

Oh,�yeah,�you�think you�know�tacos,�eh?

I'll�tell�you, ������you're�some�kind�of fucking�asshole

if�you�think�you�know�tacos, you�never�had�a�taco�in�"LA".

Think�you�know�hiking?

You've�never�seen�a�hike�until you've�had�a�hike�in�"LA".

Ugh, I�hate�the�weather�up�here

it's�so�much�warmer�in�LA.

Oh,�yeah, �didn't�you�not�know it�gets�just�as�cold�in�"LA"?

It's�just�different kind�of�cold�in�"LA".

It's�a�desert,�you�know?

Pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.

That's�exactly�what�I�says, "Pull�your�finger �����out�of�your�ass."

Now,�hold�your�horses�here.

Who's�do�youse�knows that's�ever�beens�to�LA?

What's�this�about�LA?

Whose�crib�is�it�anyways?

I�dealt,�my�crib.

I�loves�cribbage.

Run�of�three, that's�it�for�me.

Run�of�four, I'm�out�the�door.

Uh,�fifteen-two,

double�on�the�eight�for�ten,

and�jack�of�suits for�elevens,

which�is�a�pretty�hard�numbers to�rhymes�with.

Ooh!

What's�we�gettin' ����all�dressed�up�for, Mr. �Saturday�Nights?

Are�you�sure�you're not�tryin'�too�hard,

with�that�button�done�up�there?

Now,�youse�know ������Tanis�and�I�are�givin'�it the�ol'�college�try.

You�know,�I�get ending�things�with�Rosie

because�you�have�feelings for�another�woman...

She�reads�too�much. She�up�to�somethin'.

and�I�back�that. Thank�you,�Katy.

But...

don't�you�think Tanis�is�a�little...

rough�around�the�edges?

How�do�you�mean?

Isn't�her,�uh,�soil�a�bit�rocky?

Isn't�her�grain�a�little�bit rough�for�the�lays?

Well...

only�one�way�to�find�out, super�chieftains.

So�many�off-season reps,�buddy.

So�many�preseason reps,�buddy.

Say�no�to�the�juice.

Ain't�fucking�baseball,�buddy.

We�dug�deep. Buried�down.

Time�to�show�the�boys some�gains.

Coach's�gonna�flip when�he�sees�these�gains.

Gain�Gretzky. Gain�"The�Rock"�Johnson.

Shania�Gain. Gains,�Trains and�Automobiles.

Let's�show�these�boys�that legends�walk�amongst�them.

Hashtag,�legend-life.

You�guys�wanna�go�back�out and�try�that�again?

Maybe�it's�the�lighting�in�here, but�I'm�not�seeing�any�gains.

But...

Doesn't�matter. Team�folded.

Why?

There's�not�enough�bodies. Why?

'Cause�it's�Senior�A whales-shit�hockey!

The�way�I�see�it, you�got�three�options.

You�can�go�to�the�next�town and�play�for�them.

Travel�for whale�shit?

Gains�for�whale�shit was�even�a�stretch.

You�didn't�get�gains.

Traveling�for�whale�shit, that's�a�stretch�too�far.

Hang�'em�up.

Well,�there's�good�rubber left�in�these�wheels, �������though,�boys.

Let's�do�power�skating,�bro. Oh,�good�call,�bro.

Join�a�championship�team right�here�in�Letterkenny...

Hmm.

as�coaches...

with�me.

Oh.

Team's�already�won back-to-back�ships.

We've�actually�never won�a�ship,�buddy.

On�track�to�win back-to-back-to-back�boats.

Love�to�win a�boat,�buddy. Yeah,�buddy.

Then�come�on,

let's�win�a�fuckin'�sea�liner.

Let's�win a�Great�Lakes�freighter.

Let's�win�a�cable�ferry.

Let's�win�a�cabin�cruiser.

Let's�win�a�Boston�whaler.

Let's�win a�recreational�trawler.

Let's�win�a�paddle�steamer!

Let's�win�a�pleasure�barge.

Let's�win�an�outrigger.

Let's�win�a�freshwater�vessel!

Let's�win�a�naval�drifter.

Let's�win�a�water�Rambo!

Let's�win�a�landing�craft!

Let's�win�a�saltwater�lugger!

Let's�win�a�sea�tugger!

Let's�win a�luxury-fuckin'- yacht!

Let's�go!

Yeah!

Wait!

You're�gonna�need an�ice-breaker.

Tanis,�how�are�you�now?

What?

What... What?

The�actual�fuck�was�that?

What? Well,�you're�standing,

breathing,�and�smoking, so�the�other�thing,

The�spitting?

Some�barefaced, uncultivated�version of�it,�yes.

What,�you�never�seen someone�spit�before?

Yes,�an�inexcusably�obese�man in�the�batter's�box

at�a�Blue�Jays�game.

But�you�never�seen a�girl�spit�before.

Yes,�a�six-year-old,�after consuming�an�insect �in�her�ice-cream�cone.

But�you�don't�think girls�should�spit.

I�don't�say�what�girls should�do.

But�you�don't�like�it when�girls�spit.

Preferably�not�within my�line�of�sight,�earshot,

and�in�a�perfect�world,�ever.

You�hungry? Am�I�hungry?

Yeah,�that's�what�I�said.

I'm�immediately�concerned that�sensation�may�never �reestablish�itself,

but�what�a�ride�it's�been.

Oh,�don't�be�so�dramatic.

What�is�this,�the�1950s?

You�want�me�to�go�borrow an�ankle-length�skirt from�my�auntie?

Come�on. I�cooked�for�you.

Let's�go.

Come�on.

He�was�supposed�to�be�here over�an�hour�ago. �Try�him�again.

Stewart,�I�just�tried�him.

And? Straight�to�voicemail.

Aggravating. Stewart!

Agitating. Stewart!

Alarming. Stewart.

Roald.

I�think...

I�may�have�a�problem.

No. �No!

I'm�in�over�my�head! We�all�want�it.

I�have�no�control! We�all�need�it!

Then�where�is�it?

Right�here.

Get�it�out! Give�it�to�me.

I've�got�it! lt's�all�right�here.

But�you�guys�got�meth,�right?

Yes. �Yes,�yes,�yes.

The�drugs�are all�over�there.

Just�bring�me�that�computer and�get�us�to�the�Dark�Web.

First�the�meth, then�the�Dark�Web.

Roald. You�want�some,�too?

I'm�good.

Bring�me�the�Dark�Web over�to�my�stand-up�desk.

Why�do�you�have a�stand-up�desk?

Because�sitting�is quietly�murdering�you.

Actually,�yes,�Roald,�I... I�will�have�some�meth.

And�here�we�are.

The�Dark�Web.

Why�do�you�guys�crave the�Dark�Web�so�much?

Because�the�Dark�Web is�exclusive.

The�Dark�Web is�only�accessible

using�special�software,

users�remain�untraceable

and�anonymous on�the�Dark�Web.

You�can�hire�a�hitman on�the�Dark�Web.

Purchase�illegal�contraband on�the�Dark�Web.

Sell�illegal�contraband on�the�Dark�Web.

Or�you�could�join a�rebel�army.

Or�you�could�build�a�bomb for�your�own�rebel�army �������on�the�Dark�Web.

The�thrill�of�having all�of�that�at�your�fingertips �is�so... metal!

What's�on�the�menu�today,�chef?

I�left�a�tab�open for�you�guys.

Something�I�thought you'd�dig.

It's�funny,�the�way you�last�liked�that , like the�Dark�Web�site�was�food.

'Cause...

"How�to�cook�human�meat!"

Oh,�fuck!

These�Hard�Right�mutts�again.

I�don't�like�these�mutts.

We�could�ignore ��������the�call. Oh,�Stewart!

Let's�ignore�the�call.

But�how�are�we�gonna �find�cool�new�things to�do�on�the�Dark�Web,

unless�we�make �������cool�new�pals on�the�Dark�Web.

Fine,

anything�to�keep the�Dark�Web�sustainable.

But�we�should�sit�for�this.

What�are�you�doing?

What?

Well,�you're�sitting,�breathing, and�taking�your�boots�off,

so,�the�other�thing.

To�borrow�a�phrase�from my�stance�on�social�media,

I�don't�follow.

Crossing�your�legs.

Yeah,�for�a�hot�second, to�take�my�boots�off.

Boots�or�no�boots, �don't�you�think�it's a�little�fruity�loops

for�a�man�to�be sitting�like�that?

On�the�contrary,

I'm�sitting�like�this�because the�less�bending�over �a�man�does,�the�better.

Hmm.

Sounds�homophobic�to�me.

Sounds�chiropractic�to�me.

Hmm. �Just�checking.

I�swing�both�ways,�you�know?

So,�if�you�ever�wanted to�invite�a�girl�over...

or�a�guy...

Are�we�gonna�have a�problem�here,�Tanis?

Let's�just�stop�talking, food's�ready. �Come,�eat.

What's�on�the�Dark�Web�menu today,�gentlemen?

Funny�you put�it�like�that�'cause...

We�were�about�to�enjoy some�Dark�Web�literature

about�how�to�cook human�meat�until...

our�friend�called.

Hmm. �13%�of�human�beings are�can?

13%�sounds�right.

Wrong!�That's�what they�want�you�to�think.

The�truth,�100% of�human�beings�.

The... �The�ones on�Earth,�anyway.

How�do�you know�that?

How�do�I�know�that?

Ha!�Well, let's�rewind�the�clock.

1840,�lreland,

the�potato�famine�forces

thousands�of�those�godless, heathen�bogtrotters

to�migrate�to�North�America.

No�potatoes,�you�say!

Well,�then�what�did �those�paddy-t ?

Fast-forward,�1955, Des�Plaines,�lllinois,

McDonald's�restaurants opened�their�first�location.

Not�a�single�cow�was photographed�that�day,

and�yet�they're serving�burgers?�Gotcha.

Now�McDonald's�openly...

Openly�boasts over�999�billion�served.

Fast-forward,�2016,�Donald�Trump ,

inherits�the�highest�percentage s

in�the�world.

The�left-wing,�fake�news, pinko�media

wants�you�to�think�that�he�spent

16�of�his�first�100�days in�office�golfing.

Wrong. �Wrong!

Donald�J.�Trump�spent�16 of�his�first�100�days,

as�President�of the�United�States,

Commander-in-Chief,

leader�of�the�goddamned free�world,

getting�that�per�capita percentage�of�cannibals

down�from�100�to... �Everett?

Uh... �13%?

That's�right. �Do�the�math.

No,�no,�actually�do... Actually�do�the�math.

Do�the�meth?

We�did�the�meth.

Listen,�uh,�friend.

We've�been�listening�to�you ramble�for�an�hour.

We�only�joined�the�Dark�Web to�see�cool�new�things,

and�join�cool new�movements.

And�make cool�new�pals.

Cool�new�pals,�you�say?

Yes. No.

Stewart.

I�know�how�you�can�make all�the�.

Spare�us�the�hyperbole.

How?

Join�the�Hard�Right!

I�said�that�like�that�was leadin,

but�it's�really�just... Just�joi.

But...

Do�you�like�our�flag? Oh,�you�probably...

couldn't... �Do�you�like�it?

I... �I�designed�it.

Mmm.

Eat�up. �You're�gonna�need fuel�for�later.

What... What?

the�actual�fuck was�that�now?

What�now?

Well,�you're�sitting,�eating, and�breathing,

so,�the�other�thing.

Burping? Yes.

Some�primitive, distressing�version�of�it.

That�was�nothing. Terrific.

You�can�burp,�too. Outstanding.

You�can�fucking�fart, if�you�want.

You�know�why? Because�it's�normal.

But�is�it�fashionable?

It's�becoming...

It's�unbecoming.

Well,�your�boyfriend�Daryl

burps�and�spits.

Dary�also�chases�ducks,

draws�on�the�walls,

and�must�be�told not�to�taste�or�touch

everything�he�sees.

That's�true.

So,�is�it�because�I'm�a�lady?

Who's�a�lady?

So,�what,�you're�saying�that girls�shouldn't�burp,�too?

I�don't�say what�girls�should�do.

Well,�men�shouldn't shackle�women.

We�made�Prohibition�happen, watch�your�step.

Already�walkin'�on�eggshells.

Done�your�food?

That�ship's�clear across�the�pond.

Same. �Let's�go�make�a�fire

'cause�it's�a�beautiful fucking�day.

Is�that�what�it�is? What?

Hmm?

Okay,�pheasants.

We�got�bact-to-back-to-back.

Coast�Guard�Zodiacs at�our�fingertips.

But�full�disclosure,

this�team's�got�a�bit�of an�attitude�problem,�all�right?

Little�battle�of�leadership going�on�in�here.

All�right?�Sure,�they�got�their center�console�skiffs,

but�they�went�through�a�lot of�coaches�in�the�process.

Mundane�details,�boys.

We�want a�twin�engine�jet�boat.

We�want�that�cruise�ship.

That's�the�attitude,�pylons. Now�get�in�there.

All�right.

What�the...

What�are�you�two�doing?

Sorry,�boys... �Ladies.

We�didn't�know you�were�ladies,�boys.

Um... �Not�ladyboys. �We�didn't know�you�were�ladies.

Do�you�think�the�door�is�open to�everyone�here?

Just�because�Mary-Anne looks�like�she's�homeless,

doesn't�mean�you�can treat�it�like�a�shelter.

Fuck�you,�Betty-Anne.

But�she's�right.

Door�isn't�open to�everybody�here.

Just�because�our�mitt�looks like�the�back�of�Christ's�head,

doesn't�mean�you�can�treat it�like�a�church.

Fuck�you,�Mary-Anne.

Your�mitt�looks�like�Babe�Ruth's ball�glove�from�the�dirty�'30s

if�20�more�dudes�spat chewing�tobacco�in�it.

Your�mitt's�actually a�work�of�art,�Betty-Anne.

Like�Salvador�Dali's melting�clocks,

but�instead�of�melting�clocks, it's�melting�salad�bowls

of�off-pink�ice-cream.

Hmm. �I�love�ice-cream, Mary-Anne.

I�love�all�frozen�treats.

Your�mitt�looks�like�I�squeezed a�cherry-red�popsicle�with �a�handful�of�dryer�lint.

Meet�your�new�team,�pheasants.

You�serious�with that�turtleneck?

You�could�lose a�lot�of�heat�in�the�neck,

as�I�like�to�say.

You�mean,�cold?

I�wouldn't�say I'm�hot,�but...

Ugh. �Most�men�I�know wouldn't�complain�about something�like�that.

You�see�the�elephant?

You�mean�next�to the�bus�crash?

That's�the�one. Yeah,�I�see�it.

You�wanna�talk�about�it?

Let's�talk�about�it.

A�woman�can�be�what�she�wants.

That�is�so�nice�of�you to�allow�that.

Not�what�I�meant. I'm�kidding.

A�woman�should�be what�she�wants.

Better.

There's�no�definition of�a�woman.

It's�the�same�as�a�man, there's�no�definition...

No�need�to�womansplain, I'm�aware.

But�a�woman�should�be�with a�man�she�finds... desirable.

And�vice�versa.

Like,�long-term, like�in�a�relationship.

Can't�confirm.

I�don't�think you're�it,�cowboy.

Oh,�you�think? I�know.

Good�enough. Good�stuff.

A�short-term...

on�the�other�hand...

How�short?

A�night. A�night?

An�hour?

Maybe�more�than�an�hour.

A�night. A�night.

Maybe�even�a�morning.

Maybe�even�a�morning.

'Cause�we�didn't�do all�the�things�I�wanted�to�do.

Well,�we�talked, we�ate... lt�was�good,�right?

Thank�you�for�supper. My�pleasure.

We�talked,�we�ate,

we�sat�by�the�fire.

So,�then�the�other�thing.

Good�enough. Good�stuff.

Just�kiddin'!

Fifteen-two, the�rest�won't�do.

Fifteen-four, the�rest�don't�score.

Runs�of�threes, that's�its�for�me's.

Youse�been�playin' all�fuckin'�night?

How'd�it�go,�big�brother?

Do�you�all�know�what,

aside�from�the�end�there,

so�fuckin'�poorly.

Called�it. How�poorly?

So�poor.

He�said,�so�fuckin'�poor.

Talkin'�about�ultra�poor.

Called�it. What�did�I�miss?

Taco�night.

But�not�just any�taco�night.

LA�taco�night.

Oh,�there's�no�taco�night like�an�"LA"�taco�night.

Oh,�yeah. You've�never�had�taco�night

unless�you've�had an�"LA"�taco�night.

Oh,�yeah. �Well, if�it's�taco�night�in�"LA",

then�you�must�have�had�a�hike. Did�youse�have�a�hike?

Oh,�yeah.

You�can't�have�taco�night in�"LA"�without�havin'�a�hike.

Oh,�yeah. We�had�an�LA�hike,

but�it�was�so�cold, it�gets�so�cold�in�LA.

Oh,�yeah. It's�a�deserts,�don't�you�know?

Oh,�yeah. lt�gets�just�as�cold�in�"LA".

It's�just�a�different�kind of�cold�in�"LA".

Pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.

That's�what�I�say, I�said�pull�your�finger �out�of�your�ass,

you're�from�"LA".

Oh,�yeah. You've�got�to�take�La�Cienega to�La�Tijera

if�you're�going�to�LAX�in�"LA".

Oh,�yeah. ����I�will�have�another cold-pressed�juice

'cause�we're�in�LA.

Oh,�yeah. ��I'm�just�poppin'�down to�Trader�Joe's

to�load�up�on�kombuchas�in�"LA".

Oh,�yeah. �You�can ���stick�your�Hybrid�Toyotas straight�up�your�ass,

it's�all�about�Teslas now�in�"LA".

Oh,�yeah. ���lt's�like�you�could�never usually�get�a�pizza

that�was�that�good in�"LA"�until�now.

Oh,�yeah. We're�gonna�have�a�winter�brunch

outside�on�Melrose.

'Cause�you�can�do�that�in�LA.

Oh,�yeah. �I'm�taking improv�classes�at�the�UCBs,

but�only�until�the�groundlings figure�it�out�in�"LA".

Oh,�yeah. �You�better get�joined�in�a�burlesque�troupe if�you're�going�to�"LA."

"LA".

"LA". "LA".

"LA"? "LA".

"LA". "LA".

"LA". "LA".

"LA"...

Pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.

That's�what�I�say, I�said�pull�your�finger out�of�your�ass.

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