Original subtitles

[Australian accent] What do you think you're doing?

Grew this out just for tonight.

Well, I wouldn't do that. That doesn't look good.

Good comb-overs... you don't even know they're there.

Oh, people will notice.

Well, Georgia's gonna be there tonight.

I want to put my best foot forward.

Well, probably not with that comb-over.

How do I look?

Like Stephen Hawking

at a charity event or something.

You look fantastic.

So, why are you going, Billy?

It's not even your class.

I go to everything.

You never know what's gonna happen.

Jim: Rodney, you going home?

No. "The Apprentice" is on next with Gary Busey.

I think it's entertaining

to watch mentally handicapped people on television.

I'm gonna get in there

and make a good impression on Georgia and just get out.

You know, I mean, high school was a great time in my life.

Jim: Yeah, I'm looking forward to this.

American women... they love the Australian accent.

[Australian accent] Do they, mate?

It's what got me Katie Knox.

Yeah, and it also got you dumped by her.

She'll be kicking herself that she broke up with me.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

I'm a comedian. I've been on TV.

Both: "Three times."

Yeah, three times more than you.

Oh, my God! Jim Jefferies!

Hi! [Laughs]

- Hey. - Hey... Judy.

You are so funny... acting like you don't remember me.

I don't, so...

- I do. - Okay.

Well, here is your name tag.

I have somebody who is dying to see you.

- Of course you do. - Come on.

You're gonna love this.

Remember Judy?

- No. - Oh, man.

All right, let's get in and get out of here.

Judy: And you made that look so hard.

Oh, my God. Nicole. Hi!

Hi, Judy!

- Do you remember Jim? - Of course.

- Do you remember Nicole? - Don't remember you.

Oh, no, no. It's nothing. He's doing that to everybody.

He's so funny.

Aw, Jesus! Come on, Jim!

He said he RSVP'd me. What an asshole.

Hey, grab one of those leftover name tags.

I'm not gonna pretend like I'm somebody else.

No, I am.

[Laughing] Oh, good one.

Look who I found.

Kate.

Jim. Hi.

Hi. Um...

How are you?

I'm good. You?

I'm good.

Okay you guys, I want you in the photo booth right now.

- No, no, no. - Come on.

- Just one picture. - Judy, Judy, Judy.

Let's go, let's go. Please. Just for me.

Right here. Oh, you are so pretty.

Jim, brown is your color.

Okay, um, closer together, please.

Oh, you two were such an item.

Smile for me.

[Camera shutter clicks]

You guys look so good together.

Michelle klein, I have somebody who wants to see you.

Judy said you were dying to see me?

Um... No.

[Chuckles]

You know how Judy is.

If you steal my sunshine

Ouch.

Yeah, she's totally kicking herself.

I'm gonna make a lap.

What? Don't go.

If you steal my sunshine

My sunshine

Man: Hey, Jim. How are you?

- If you steal my sunshine

- Cool.

This is ours...

- Oh, God. - What?

It's one of The Mays Twins.

- Judy: Oh, my God. - Hey, man.

- Hey. - Cade Mays?

Billy: Are you kidding me?

My God. He is dreamy.

I spent half of freshman year stuffed into a locker

because of those two.

You're right.

It was the best time of your life.

I have like 10 people who are dying to see you.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

I'm gonna get a beer... See who else I know.

- Rachel? - Jim.

You look amazing.

You look all professional and shit.

Well done, Tubbs.

Tubbs?

I'm a prosecutor in Chicago... Family law.

Wow. Family law.

Well, I need one. Just beat my wife.

No?

Don't have a wife, so that's the joke.

Um...

Geez, we used to have fun back in school, didn't we?

Yeah. So, what are you doing now?

- Oh, you haven't heard? - No.

I'm a comedian.

Yeah, I've been on TV three times.

Wow. No, 'cause I watch a ton of comedy.

Um, do you go by your real name?

Yeah... Um... Yeah, Jim... Jim Jefferies.

- Huh. - Same... same name.

- [Tires screech] - Oh!

Oh, shit! I'm sorry.

I'm in a wheelchair.

Randall?

Do I know you?

Oh, my God. Randall, what happened?

I'm sorry.

I-I don't remember much after the accident.

It's me... Nicole.

Nicole.

Oh, my God. It's so good to see you.

You look...

different.

So, where are you living?

Oh, I still live around here.

Um, I live with, uh, Steve.

Hey, Tubbs! Looking good, baby!

I see you guys really have moved on.

[Chuckles]

Wow. You used to tease me relentlessly.

[Laughing] Yeah.

Yeah, I always used to make fun of everyone.

You know, we had a lot of laughs, good times, really.

Good times.

You were mean to me, Jim.

Oh, come on, Tubbs. I wasn't mean to you.

We were friends.

It was Jim and Tubbs, Tubbs and Jimmy.

I see that you have put on some weight.

Whoa! Geez, that's hurtful.

Yeah! Cake and beer.

Hey, Steve.

Hey, man.

- Mark. - Mark.

Sorry, man. I don't remember you.

Well, I remember you.

Uh, you hung out with Gary.

You had a mullet.

Wow. Thought I had a good memory.

What have you been up to?

Quit drinking seven years ago after some major surgery.

Whoa! That's got to be tough.

The drinking or the surgery?

Both, but the drinking.

- Yeah. - Holy crap.

Well, the surgery fixed a long-time problem.

I had to quit to get it done,

but, yeah, the drinking I do kind of miss.

If you want a beer, just tell me.

I'll go get you a beer, man.

Steve, I'm good, thank you.

I went home every night junior year and cried

because of the things that you said to me.

You did?

Yeah.

Ah, um...

I-I'm sorry, Rachel. I thought I was being funny.

[Laughing] I had such a huge crush on you.

I would have sat on nails.

You know what?

I should thank you because in my line of work,

having a tough skin... it really helps.

Well, glad to have helped.

Uh... You look great.

And... and if it means anything,

I'll have sex with you now.

Oh. [Laughs]

- No? - No, no.

No. [Laughing]

The people here are a bunch of...

Hey, I remember you. You're a crazy guy.

- Mark. - Jim.

Yeah, mark was just thanking me

for getting in the face of The Mays Twins.

- He never did that. - Mark: No, he did.

It was... it was... it was very cool.

It was a very nice thing to do.

Yeah, see? See?

High school was great!

Yeah, it was great.

What happened with Katie?

She, uh... she shoot you down?

I don't know what I'm gonna do with it.

Where the hell's Mary Fulcher?

[Laughs] We'd see that beast if she was walking around.

Hey! She was sweet.

I-I don't think she's gonna be here.

This group was never very nice to her.

Yeah, it's a shame. Mary was the best.

Her nipples were, like, strawberry-colored.

Oh, man.

- Mary was my first. - Oh, God.

She was.

Then you started dating Georgia, and then those...

those Mays guys started calling her "Atlanta Georgia"

'cause her ass was the size of Atlanta.

[Laughs]

Very smart, those Mays guys.

[Laughs mockingly]

Oh, God!

I married her.

[Laughs]

We made a daughter together.

- Oh, congratulations. - No.

I didn't know that. Great.

Steve.

Oh, Atlanta.

We're divorced now.

So, Steve, do you still want

to take Emily to the park tomorrow?

Oh, Georgia, may I?

May I take my own daughter out to celebrate her birthday,

please, three weeks late?

- Steve. - I would have done it on time, Mark,

you see, except that my wife...

- Georgia, new hairdo? - Yes.

- Looks great. - Thanks, Jim.

Great job accepting it, mate.

It's a process, like photosynthesis.

Hey, George, we had some good times in this gym, didn't we?

- Oh, Steve, please. - Come on.

Remember back by the door

when I was giving you the fingers?

Oh, my God. That is so inappropriate.

Screw you, you fingering slut.

Ugh!

Let me know if you find my class ring.

Hey, Kate.

Hi, Jim.

- You want to have a dance? - No.

- Can we talk? - We are talking.

Yeah, um, just alone, like, the two of us outside.

I really... I'd like to, um, have a talk.

Jim, you really hurt me.

I hurt you?

Yeah.

Yep.

I just need five minutes. I just...

All you bitches can go to hell!

Shit.

I think you should go help your friend.

What are you gonna tell me?

You're gonna tell me how you got so damn tall, dude?

Then on the Hillary steps, without oxygen, my sherpa fell.

[Gasps]

My choice... take the blow from his body with my own

or watch him fall thousands of feet off the face of Everest.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

So, I took the blow.

There is no question that you have been blessed.

And I think we should pray.

Thank you, little lord Jesus for sending...

Katie.

[Sighs] What, Jim?

Why are you being such a dick to me?

I'm being a dick? You're being a dick.

You really hurt me,

and now you don't have the common courtesy

to talk to me all these years on?

Really? I-I hurt you?

Yeah, just moved away, didn't even tell me.

Uh, yeah, 'cause I kind of had to.

I kind of had to get on a bus for 14 hours

with a bunch of flowers just so I could get to the door,

and your dad answers it

and tells me you never want to speak to me again.

Wait. He did?

Yeah.

[Sighs]

I'm sorry. I-I...

Sorry? What... what was that?

You're sorry.

What, you're sorry that you, uh, broke my heart?

You're sorry that you, uh, pretty much destroy...

You ruined me!

I'm 16 years old. I'm just crying my eyes out.

Please... please don't laugh.

- Sorry. - Please.

I felt like I lost an arm.

You know, you... you were the first girl

I-I waited to sleep with.

And you're the last girl I ever waited... to sleep with.

[Chuckles]

Well, you pretty much ruined my 20s, so...

Good. I'm listening.

It was just one bad relationship after another, and...

I live in Sacramento, for Christ's sakes.

Sacramento... that's the worst bit of that story.

Judy: Oh, excuse me.

Everybody, uh, we have a little slide-show presentation

for you.

First up, "Where are they now?"

Class clown and most likely to be arrested...

- [Laughter] - ...Jim Jefferies.

Jim has been on TV three times.

[Crickets chirping]

Wait. Where is Jim now?

Probably out back trying to bang Katie Knox again!

I was the... You know... I'm... I'm a comedian now.

I'm happy with that.

I've been on TV like six times.

- Oh, that's... - No, Um... It's three.

I just wanted to... I've been on TV three times.

Every time you come to the bay area, I go.

Well, I've played in some pretty small crowds.

I think I would have... Um, why didn't you ever say hi?

I was mad, dumb-ass.

Biggest change... Mary Fulcher...

Mary... Mary! Yeah!

Pay attention, Georgia.

This is what a real woman looks like.

[Laughter]

Uh, who is now Mark Fulcher.

- [Laughs] - [Applause]

Huh?

Judy: So handsome, right?

Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?!

I was trying to find the right moment to tell you.

Oh! Mmm!

The night just keeps getting better.

Judy: As you know,

some of our classmates couldn't be here tonight,

but they are here via YouTube.

- [Applause] - [Laughs]

Greetings, everybody, from here in Africa.

- Shit! - I am at a Christian orphanage.

I just wanted to say hello to everybody,

especially Lisanne and the Bible-study group.

- You guys are... - We got to go.

Hey, did you know

my first sexual encounter is now a man?

Yeah, I knew that.

And, uh, you didn't bother to tell me?

I didn't want to embarrass him.

Do you remember the... the last time we had sex?

- Uh... No. - Let me... let me paint a picture.

Uh, your house.

There was some music playing in the background...

Guns N' Roses' "Appetite for Destruction."

- [Laughs] - You had the hair.

[Both laugh]

I remember a lot of crying is what I remember.

But you were crying.

I-I never... well, yes, it was me, yes.

I was the one who cried.

And now it is time for "In Memoriam."

Ooh, I love this part.

- Amazing grace

- [Laughs]

- What?! - How sweet the sound

That's awesome.

That's it! No!

Hey, it's spelled with a "v," not "p-h"!

And it's not Nuggett!

It's Nugent, you assholes!

Please! You got my birth date wrong!

You know I was held back two years because of biology!

I was born in '75!

You know, I can't say I've ever...

met the right girl.

And why was that?

Sanity.

Uh, um...

Your dad's a really convincing guy.

He was.

[Feedback]

Mary, Mark, whatever it is over there...

I got to tell you something, Mary.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you 'cause you had the balls...

or the vagina or whatever...

to become who you really wanted to be.

Thank you.

You can all just suck my dick... or Mary's new dick.

Brand-spanking-new dick. Got that new-dick smell.

It's new.

Jim! Jim!

Dude.

What, Billy?

Remember when we told them that Steve was dead?

Well, it's getting out of hand.

He's probably gonna get his ass kicked.

- I... - All right.

- I'm gonna go watch. - It's okay.

Sorry.

Shit!

There's only two people

in this whole room I give a shit about, anyway.

That's right.

That's Mary Fulcher and Gary Trusdale.

- Gary! - [Feedback]

[Laughs]

You know what?

I'm proud to say that I hit that.

Steven, please.

Oh, please yourself, Georgia.

Go please yourself. Right by that door.

Okay, buddy. That's enough.

Yeah, whoa. "Enough, enough," Cade, Wade,

or whatever the hell your name is.

Where's your twin brother?

I want to... I got something I want to say to both of you.

Bring that dickhead out here.

He died. He was beaten to death.

Well, that's a bit of good news, isn't it?

[Gasping]

[Laughs]

Oh!

Got nothing to say now, huh? What?

What's that?

No!

Gary's dead?!

- Nobody told me that! - Steve, stop.

I didn't know that Gary was dead!

You didn't tell me Gary died!

Jim: Steve Nugent, everyone.

Play "Free Bird"!

[Laughs]

Okay, uh, I think what Steve here

was trying to say is that,

um, we've all had our trials and problems.

Maybe there's a...

there's a love that we lost and, uh, missed.

We all make mistakes.

I think Steve would be the first here to say

that he's probably... made more mistakes than most.

Steve: You don't speak for me!

But we're all human.

And, uh, Wade, I'm... I'm sorry about your loss, mate.

I'm Cade.

Either way.

We got to get going, buddy.

Yeah, I told them.

Yeah, you did.

Judy: Well, that was not very funny.

Hey, I'm sorry I told everyone you were dead.

Why'd you do that?

Billy thought it'd be funny.

Oh!

[Laughing] And it was!

Steve, I'm embarrassed.

You make me so hard.

Hey, see you in five years.

Who's that?

- George Zimmerman. - [Gasps] Oh, really?

No, a different one.

Steve. Give me a call.

Mark, Mark, you're a good guy, man.

And this is the weirdest night of my life.

But I want you to come home with me.

If you ever want to stop drinking, just give me a call.

- I don't have a drinking problem, dickhead! - Hey.

- I got to carry him home. - Let me help you.

[Gasps] Katie's here, Jim.

Jim talks about you... Oh!

- Okay, come on. - Oh, man.

Come on.

Do you know my first girlfriend has a dick now?

- Yeah. - Everyone knows but me.

- Hey, Billy. - Oh, hey.

Is that your name?

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I forgive you.

And if you ever want to find the love of Christ, call me.

[Laughs] I've died like seven times.

Trust me... there's nothing there.

[Laughs]

[Insects chirping]

[Laughs] What's that look for?

I don't know. I-I, uh...

I can't remember wanting someone to stay after sex.

[Laughs] Oh, I'll go.

No! You have to stay.

It's... it's important that I learn.

[Laughs]

When's the last time you felt... not alone?

Uh, the last time I had sex with you.

Wow, Jim. You're good.

No, no. That was... please.

Come on. I was serious.

Really?

Yeah.

You... you really should have tried with us, Katie?

Why... why didn't you try with us?

My dad hated you, Jim.

He said you used me.

My family sent me to Utah.

Why?

To have an abortion.

Um... Uh...

It was, uh, with me?

- W-was that... - You know what? I got... I got to go.

I-I have a plane to catch.

No, you can't go now.

- You've got to just stay, please. - I can't.

Jim, this was a one-off, okay?

- I needed closure. - Yeah, but...

- But what, Jim? - [Sighs]

I can't have a train wreck in my life. I...

This was amazing.

Really, I did not expect this to happen.

And you were really brave for telling me

how bad it hurt you.

It has haunted me.

Hello there

When my dad said that you didn't... call

and that you didn't care, and now I know you did.

It means so much.

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Thank you.

And we'll have Halloween on Christmas

And in the night, we'll wish this never ends

We'll wish this never ends

Jim: Get up. You've got to go see Em.

[Groaning] No.

She's all you've got left except for me and Billy,

and he's gonna die.

Oh, don't say that.

Jim!

Where are you?

Get in the shower, Steve!

I cannot sleep

I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

Billy: You know, I'm really glad I went.

It was nice being Randall for a while.

God, Jim!

Jesus, Billy.

What about her present, man?

Got it covered.

- Was last night bad? - Well, it wasn't good.

We told everyone that you were dead

'cause we thought it was funny.

That is kind of funny.

I wish I remembered.

How was your night?

Turns out that my life could have been very different.

Yeah, what about mine? Mary Fulcher's a man?

Emily: I love you, daddy.

Yeah, I love you, too, kid.

Happy Birthday. I got you a gift.

Ooh!

- Rip it open. - Okay.

- I love it! - Yeah.

- 'Cause it gets cold in Cincinnati. - Yep.

Here.

Got it?

I love it. Look at it, daddy!

I grew!

Yeah, you did.

I'm an airplane!

Whoo! Airplane!

I'm an airplane!

Airplane! Airplane! Airplane!

- Don't be sad, dad. - I'm not sad.

I'm happy. I'm just happy you're here.

- That's all. - Me too.

Bye, daddy!

Bye, kid. I love you.

I love you, too!

What's your dwarf friend's name?

Brad.

Think Brad needs a jacket?

[Both laugh]

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0