Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.Com

[Cellphone rings]

Hello? Yeah.

Yes. Hello, mum.

Mum, you're not dying.

No, you're not.

[Indistinct conversations]

Where the hell you been, man?

I took off work to witness this thing for you.

I've been on the phone with my mum, okay?

She's dying.

She is?

Yeah. Again.

Dying again.

How you feeling?

Like she should be dead.

She does this every year.

You know, she's getting on my case, you know?

Yeah, about what?

Well, she wants me to be more

legitimate or something.

What's she talking about?

You're killing it in stand-up.

Yeah, I know!

But, like, I'm not on the telly

in Australia, so to my mum, I'm,

a disappointment.

I... I'm a drunk idiot.

You know?

Maybe she's right. I...

Oh, you're gonna go legit?

Well... change is good, you know?

Can't keep going on like this.

Yeah.

I think I... I think I'd like to have kids.

You think you'd be a good father?

I think I'd be a great father.

What about a husband?

Yeah, there's a problem.

Yeah.

[Bell dings]

Oh, this is us.

Hello.

Uh, Jim Jefferies, extra "e."

It's j-e-f-f-e-r-i-e-s.

Steve Nugent.

I'm his witness.

Uh, you don't need a witness.

Yeah, I know.

What the hell am I doing.

Here?

I can't stay in line, Steve. My mum's dying.

[Scoffs]

Hey, I've got a plan, all right?

I... I... I... I could meet a woman.

I... I could marry her.

I could get her pregnant. She'd have the child.

And then, if she could die soon

afterwards, that would really be.

best for everyone, really, because...

you know, the kid couldn't hate.

You then, right?

"I'm doing my best.

"Your mum's dead," you know?

Jesus, Jim, that is cold-blooded, even for you.

I've looked into it.

All right, it's not as easy as

you think anyway, all right?

It turns out that terminally ill

women don't want to get pregnant.

They're all about them and "what"

"they're up to" and their

situation... high-maintenance,

if you ask me.

Selfish, in a way, don't you think?

Are you saying you want a

woman to die during childbirth?

No! I'm not an animal, Steve!

You know, like, she could be

around for the first few years,

until the kid could walk and

talk and... and get me a beer,

you know, and take care of itself.

Oh, how nice.

So she knows the child before she dies.

Exactly. Yes. Thank you.

This isn't a bad thing.

This woman's dying anyway.

This is... this is good times for this lady.

I'd still have sex with her,

even though her hair was coming out in clumps.

Jim, Jim.

I would still tell her she

looked attractive even though

she didn't look attractive.

I'd still lie to her, because I'm a good person.

You know, I'd hold her one titty

while we had... if that was the case.

Think of the sympathy sex off

this woman, how grateful she'd be.

You are such a sick dick.

You know that?

Why don't you just try to do

something nice for someone for nce?

Nice?!

Sign here.

Yeah, nice.

Compassionate? Kind?

Please, all right?

I'm taking care of this kid all by myself.

My therapist says if you want

to get out of your head, you do

something nice for someone else.

Steve?

All right? My wife's just died.

Alien.

I'm an alien of extraordinary.

Ability, Steve.

I'm like E.T.

This is a great country.

I'm sorry. He's Australian.

So, I could really use the

money, so I guess I'll see you

guys in a minute.

Uh, that's it. Thanks, mom.

Where you going?

Uh, going to see Billy.

Is he still alive?

You are an asshole, Jim.

No, it's just that I never

get to see him anymore.

That's because I put him in a

home like a year and a half ago.

Right, you did.

Yeah, and I go to see him a couple times a week.

Do you?

Yeah. And we talk about it.

We do?

And he asks about you.

Ah.

I guess he likes you, for some reason.

That's nice.

Billy's, uh, the tall one with

the ginger hair and the harsh features?

[Sighs]

That's my sister, asshole.

Ah, sister.

Billy's the short one in the wheelchair.

Yes.

Oh, I like Billy.

I'm glad he's not dead.

Do you want to go?

No, it's too depressing.

Come on, man.

Like I said, try to be nice.

Nice?

Mm-hmm.

Yes. I'm gonna come.

W... w... what do I have to do?

You don't have to do anything.

It's just your shrink says I

should do something nice, and

this is nice, right?

I don't have to lick your balls or something?

- What type of person... - What? You!

Remember... my mother never

forgave you for that old wheelchair thing.

Why does she hold a grudge?

I don't understand.

You pushed Billy, in his wheelchair, into the water, Jim.

Billy loved it!

He's paralyzed!

Janice, it's so nice to see you again.

Go away, Jim.

Why in the hell did you bring him here?

'Cause... what the hell were you thinking?!

Billy wants to see me.

Jim's here.

Really?

Honey, I'm sorry.

Hi, Jim.

[Monitor beeping]

[Chuckles nervously]

Where the hell have you been?

I'm sorry. [Chuckles]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry I haven't been around.

Steve told me you were dead.

[laughs]

[laughter]

Yeah.

Janice, remember when I pushed him into the lake?

[laughs]

Told you... he loved it.

[Coughing, laughing]

I almost drowned.

Yeah. Good times.

Hey, mom?

Yes. Mm-hmm?

Can you, uh, give us a minute?

And take this mask off, please.

Oh, no. No, no.

I don't think that's a good...

Come on. Please.

Okay.

All right, but not for too long, All right?

Thanks.

Steve?

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll just go with mom and dad and get a bite, then.

I... I'm sorry I haven't been around.

No, Jim, it's okay.

It's kind of depressing.

Isn't it? Isn't it, yeah?

[Chuckles]

I was trying to tell Steve that

he wouldn't... he wouldn't listen.

He said you liked it here.

[laughs]

Why have you asked to see me?

I have a favor.

I'm 32 years old, Jim.

Hey, that's great.

That is, man.

Yeah.

That is. It's amazing.

[Chuckles weakly] Jim.

That's not the point.

It's amazing.

What I'm trying to say is,

I'm 32 years old, and...

I've never been laid.

Really?

I mean, how could I, man?

Well... yeah.

Yeah, well, I... never thought of that.

And you're the only guy I

know who would take me to a hooker.

So, I know this is a lot to ask,

- but I was wondering... - Shh.

Yes.

Yes?

Yes!

Really?

Oh, awesome!

Yes.

I was put on this earth to make this happen.

Hookers and blow, my friend.

- Yeah... - Well, hookers. Blow.

No... no blow for you.

Well, may... well, how's your heart?

Jim, it would kill me.

No, no. No, no blow.

Just hookers for you, then.

When?

Now. Today.

Immediately. You never know.

Yes.

But listen.

You can't tell Steve.

He would not understand.

No [bleep].

What are you, high?

A little, yeah.

Look, he's your brother!

[Sighs]

You should want to do this for him.

I'm doing it whether you like it.

Or not.

It'll kill him.

He's gonna die soon anyway.

Oh, my God.

This is a good way for him to go.

Okay, sure.

We'll have to answer a few

- questions, but... - No.

Why not?

Well, for starters, my mom.

She already hates you.

That's why I'm the perfect guy to kill your brother.

Good news.

All right. Listen.

Jim told me about you wanting to get laid.

You're a dick.

No! No, no.

No, it's okay.

I'm all right with it.

I just... no sex. Blowjob only.

No!

I want to feel a vagina!

Let the man feel a vagina.

- No. No vagi... - No, just like feel...

No! God, knock it off!

No sex! B.J. only.

Screw you, Steve.

You're in no position to argue.

Your brother's right.

You really are in no position to argue.

Both: [bleep] you, Jim.

No... what... Billy?

What's he... what's he doing?

He just left the room.

But he just turned his head.

Well... that's all he can do.

- He can't... - Oh, Christ.

Why did he leave the room?

What did you say?

Both: Nothing.

And you know what?

If it gets uncomfortable, just say "stop."

Mom, nothing in this world

could be more uncomfortable than this right now.

Don't... don't be funny.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I love you.

God.

Don't be a stranger, Janice.

What is wrong with you?

She doesn't hate me.

Dad.

Stick it right here.

An STD is the last thing that's gonna kill me.

Oh. Yeah.

[Chuckles]

You told my parents?

Yeah, I've been telling everyone.

God, Jim!

No, dad, no.

I don't want that.

Oh, come on.

It's part of the drill.

I'm never gonna forget this.

Neither is my wife.

What is it with women and sex?

No, it's mothers.

They don't understand sex with their sons.

It just... [Fun's "Carry on" plays]

Your mother used to have sex with her sons?

Very good, Jim.

I'm just saying, that could

be why he's in the chair to begin with.

Yeah. That's good, asshole.

Hey, honey.

This is sick. It's just sick.

Hey, listen.

I'm not gonna be able to have our daughter tonight.

I have to do something for Billy.

I have to take him to the doctor.

I have to take him to the doctor.

What? No!

We're not going to Vegas.

Where did you get that idea?

Jim.

You follow him on Twitter.

Of course.

Yes, I do know what I'm doing.

Well, don't listen to my mom,

because I'm not going to kill my brother.

Hello?

[Sighs]

Let's go!

This I know

I never said we are

Hey.

Can we take all this stuff off?

No.

... Know you can never look back

You can't take the ma... it could kill him.

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Carry on

We just passed the police.

What is that?

[Chuckles]

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

No.

I'm not gonna kill my brother.

[Coughs]

[Chuckles]

I can't move my legs!

So I met up with some

friends at the edge of the night

At a bar off 75

Yeah! Go, Billy, go!

Billy won't stop hitting himself, Steve!

Billy's wanking now.

He's masturbating in the car.

I'm [bleep] serious, dude.

... I can cheat it off

To make up for the times...

[laughing]

And it's nice to know

When I was left for dead

I was found and now I don't...

All right, sorry to leave you

two, but I'm busting for a piss.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hi, everyone. Sorry.

If everyone can quickly... can you all gather around?

Oh, short hair, redhead, Tattoos, Asian.

Very nice. You all look great.

Look, here's the deal.

Outside, I have a severely disabled friend.

If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace.

I assume you don't know your dad.

How bad is he?

He's... yeah. He's pretty damn bad.

Good for you. Morals.

Look, just quickly, everyone.

I just need a couple of you.

[Beeping]

Quickly, just a show of hands.

Who can't do this?

Okay, okay. I get it.

You have to go hide.

No, it's just that I...

I just don't want him to be rejected by hookers.

It's nothing personal.

With all due respect, it's just

the type of people that you are.

That's all. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Just, please... - Take off this damn mask.

No. Stop asking.

Come on, man.

You know what?

Are you kidding?

I just asked you nicely!

Please stay. Please?

No, the mask stays on.

I don't look good in a mask.

Come on. You look bad-ass.

You're gonna wreck this for me.

No, what's gonna wreck it for you is being dead.

Hey, Billy.

It's, uh... morning shift, you know.

Only two girls working.

Which one do you want?

I want the one in the green dress.

Steve?

Yeah?

Do either of them have a green dress?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no.

His eyes are messed up.

He's color-blind.

He's color-blind?

Yeah.

It's not part of the condition.

It's just... unfortunate.

I want the one in the green dress.

Good choice.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, sorry.

Thank you so much for your time.

You seem very nice.

I didn't catch your name.

Paris.

Really?

[Giggles] No. It's Wendy.

That's better.

Wendy.

W... what do I do?

"What do I do?"

You're the hooker!

Okay.

All right, Billy.

You need anything at all, we'll be in the bar.

Okay, don't sit on him.

Blowjob only.

You're being a good brother today, man.

Steve, have a drink.

No, not yet.

Look, you got heart, mate.

Yeah.

Don't over-think it.

How long does it take Billy to come?

I don't know. He's a virgin.

Shouldn't take too long.

It takes him 2 hours to take a shit, though.

[Chuckles]

This is nice.

Yeah, it is.

Kind of depressing.

It is, isn't it?

How the hell would I know?

How long does it take your brothers to come?

11 and 14 minutes.

Have you watched?

They're family.

How does Billy get his clothes off?

Shit!

[Knock on door]

I told you... it's more for two.

Yeah.

We forgot to take his clothes off.

Oh, right.

[laughs]

I totally didn't think of that.

Okay, look.

He, um... he needs to be picked up really gently.

Sure, sure.

So I'm gonna lift him, and

you're gonna have to take his pants off.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can take his pants off.

No, but you don't know how to do it.

You're his brother.

But that's not the point.

The point is that he has to be

picked up gently, and you don't

know how to do it, so...

Like you've never taken a guy's pants off.

I haven't.

Mom does this better than you.

Ow, bitch!

Sorry, buddy.

All right.

You ready?

No.

Come on, Jim.

Take my pants off.

So, I'm gonna pick him up,

and you pull the pants off.

You ready? Ready?

[Straining] 1, 2, 3!

[Chair rattles]

I don't know, Steve!

It's stuck.

Come on, Jim.

Just pick his butt up.

[Slap]

[Gagging, coughing]

That was my mouth.

That got in my mouth.

You like that?

No.

Oh, my God!

It's 9 1/2 inches!

I know.

That was... that was on the tongue.

I can taste that.

Big cock you got there, Bill.

Yeah, yeah.

Bill's got a big cock.

I... I... I didn't even know if you

- could get that to... - It's not a muscle!

It's a mental thing.

He thinks it.

The blood flows, and then that happens, every time.

Wow.

I'm pretty sure that's why

the rest of your muscles don't work.

[Chuckles]

Sorry, wha... sorry, sorry, sorry.

What... what's... what are we doing?

No light, no sex.

Yeah.

He's a virgin.

What's the worst that can happen?

Oh, let her have the light.

I'm more worried about cleanliness.

I washed it this morning.

You did?!

Yes, he did.

Yeah, I even got behind the ball sack.

Look at this guy!

Ow!

What a good brother.

You've got a really good brother, Billy.

You've got a great brother.

Bit gay, but good.

Didn't you just have a dick in your mouth?

[Chuckles]

Yes, he did, Billy.

Yes, he did.

Let's... come on.

Yeah.

So, listen, buddy.

If, for any reason, you don't

want to do this... [ soft music plays]

I get it, okay?

You just say the word, and we'll

pay the man, and we'll leave.

Now, listen to me.

There's something that I want to

tell you, and I know that I

don't say it enough, so... I love you.

Me, too.

Come on.

Love you.

All right?

So, if there's anything that you

want to say to us, I think maybe

now would be a good time.

Leave.

And, baby, that's no lie

I want to feel your vagina.

Okay!

No! Blowjob only!

[Up-tempo music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey.

[Sniffs]

What?

What if we did the wrong thing?

We didn't do the wrong thing.

What if he's dying in there?

I mean, what if he's not breathing, right?

I mean, what if his freaking heart stopped, Jim?!

Calm down.

I'll resuscitate him.

You know how to do that?

How hard can it be, right?

Like, push, push, blow, blow.

"I'm awake! Uh, what happened?

Uh..."

Well, it's over!

Both: Is he dead?

Oh.

Well, I didn't check.

Is that a look of pleasure?

No, that is not a look of pleasure.

[Crowd murmuring]

I have 13 strangers staring

at me, and I don't possess the

ability to put away my own cock.

How would you feel?

Good point.

We got to get him dressed.

No, I've got to clean him up first.

That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah.

I had his cock in my mouth, so...

Steve, please?

Everybody, get the hell out.

Of here, please?

Guys!

Guys.

Close the door...

I'll clean him up.

I'll help.

We'll double you up next time.

[laughter]

Because we are

We are shining stars

We are invincible

We are who we are

On our darkest day

[laughing]

When we're Miles away

So we'll come

We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Bye, Wendy.

Carry on

May your past be the sound of

Your feet upon the ground

And carry on

Whoa, whoa, whoa

[laughter]

That... that was a good day.

That was good.

[Sighs]

I feel great.

I feel... I feel kind, generous, compassionate.

I'm a good guy.

This is gonna work out great for me.

Billy's gonna be the best wingman ever.

Girls are gonna be like, "oh",

you brought your friend in the "wheelchair, did you?"

And I go, "oh, he's more than a friend.

He's my best friend."

Oh, we're gonna get special treatment wherever we go.

The parking's gonna be amazing.

The toilets are gonna be great!

We'll be at a ballgame, and

people will just get out of the way... just, "here they come!"

The cripple and his friend, the good guy!

"Everyone, out of the way!"

And I'll be like, "no, don't worry about us.

We're okay. We can make it on our own."

"No, you can't! You're special!

You need special treatment!"

And I'll be like, "thank you for noticing.

Have sex with me."

No woman's gonna ever be able to refuse!

[Siren wailing]

Ah, shit.

Is there a problem, officer?

There's no problem here, son.

You're an extraordinary young man.

With extraordinary abilities, Sir.

Right on.

["Home is not places" plays]

Feel it burn in my soul

I'm gonna get so much pussy.

Like a wound that is exposed

Sync & corrections by No1 and chamallow www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0