All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e06 The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem.eng

DENNIS: All right, well,
that about does it,

which means we are officially

-on island time.
-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, baby. [whoops]
-Here we go.

-Island time.
-Ah, Frank.

I'm so excited about
this concert.

-Thank you for the tickets.
-Yeah.

-Oh, I love Jimmy Buffett.
-Oh, yeah.

And those Parrothead broads,
they're wild.

-I noticed that. They're nuts.
-Yeah, yeah.

-They are wild.
-I hope he plays "The Piña Colada Song," man.

-Oh, yeah, that's the best.
-I gotta hear it.

Yeah, I wish he would, too,
but he won't,

'cause that's, uh,
that's not Buffett.

-Huh?
-Yeah, no. H-He does.

It's, uh, the one that goes...

-♪ If you like piña coladas♪
-♪ Coladas♪

-[vocalizing]
-♪ Getting caught in the rain.♪

Yeah, no, I know the song,
I know the song,

but it's sung by a man named
Rupert Holmes.

-Who?
-Are you sure? I feel like that's Buffett.

We've been going to see Buffett
for 20 years.

Have you ever heard him
play it?

No, but he's not gonna play all

of his hits every single time.

Yeah, no, he is.
That's what he does.

That's actually
the only thing he does.

And that's just not one of them.
But, hey, listen, buddy,

you want to hear that song,
you go ahead

and request away.
I won't stop you.

♪ If you like making love
at midnight♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, and you got
half a brain, ooh.♪

Oh! I hope he plays that one.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all do.
-Yeah, he won't, he won't.

-W-Were you in the women's room?
-Mm-hmm.

-Well, don't do that.
Don't use my bathroom. -Why not?

'Cause it's my bathroom,
and you're a man.

Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man,

I just feel more comfortable
in the ladies' room.

Oh, come on, the--
with the gay thing again.

Like, look, it makes me
uncomfortable

that you're in there using
my bathroom. How about that?

Look, the whole men's
and women's

bathroom thing is antiquated.

-Maybe you're antiquated.
-Maybe I'm...

-Get off me! Get off me!
-[yelling indistinctly]

-Get him off me!
-Settle down!

Don't. Come on.
L-Listen--

I know, I know, listen.

We always do this.
We...

We always get in some major tiff
right before Buffett,

and then, you know, it just,
it just ruins

-the whole island vibe,
you know? -Yeah.

Come on. We're not doing that
this time.

All right?
This whole bathroom issue

is a simple problem with
a simple solution.

So why don't we just sit here
and let's just figure it out.

♪

DENNIS:
All right, now we're talking.

I tell ya, there's never been
a problem so big,

couldn't be solved
by a late night

and a little Chinese takeout.

We should've got cheeseburgers.

Well, Frank, you know,
I'm saving my cheeseburgers

-for paradise.
-[all laugh]

-DEE: I get it.
-That is Buffett, that one, right?

-Yeah, that's Buffett.
-That's Buffett, okay, cool.

Uh, if I may go first.
I'd like to go first.

CHARLIE: Oh, are we doing
a whole stand up...?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna do it.

Now, guys, I believe that,
as a gay man,

I should be able to use
the women's bathroom

because I feel more comfortable
around women.

-Okay, why?
-Well, "A," we both like dudes,

and "B," we both find
women's bodies disgusting,

-so there's no hanky-panky.
-Well, that tracks.

-Yeah, sure, that makes sense.
-DEE: Yeah, yeah.

Done! I'm using
the ladies' bathroom, right?

N-n-n-n-n-n-- My turn.

-My turn, right?
-Oh, do you have to...?

-The floor is yours.
-I thought Mac just solved it.

-No. No, no.
-No. -All right.

Okay, "A," not all women
like dudes-- lesbians,

for example-- and, "B,"
I find you disgusting.

I don't want men pooping
next to me.

-Would you let a trans woman
go in there? -Of course I would.

-But not me?
-No, not you, because you're a man.

You're a gay man,
but you're still a man.

I don't know why you're being
such a bitch

about this, Dee. I've been
pooping next to you for months.

-What are you talking about?
-You've been in the stall next to me.

I-I recognize you
from those pink heels you have.

-I don't own pink heels.
-Yes, you do.

The ones with the straps
that-that make those giant feet

look so dainty and cute.

Mac, I don't know what
you're talking about.

CHARLIE:
Mm, uh...

Okay, um... [chuckles]

All right, uh, I think I can
actually explain this...

Uh, Charlie, I do hope that
the explaining you're gonna do

is about why this bathroom
is so much cleaner than ours.

Don't worry about it,
this is the last time

you're gonna be in here.

Charlie, what is taking so long?

CHARLIE: Give me a minute.
Give me a minute!

Uh...

Oh, there they are!

Those are the pink heels
I was talking about.

Charlie, are you
a cross-dresser?

CHARLIE: No! I just like to use
the women's bathroom,

because it's, you know,
it's quieter, it's less crowded.

And very clean.

CHARLIE:
Yeah, and, look, I-I just,

whatever, I slip on the heels,

in case someone looked under
the stall.

I didn't want anyone
to be uncomfortable.

-That's it.
-Okay. But what's with the wig?

CHARLIE:
[stammering] Come on!

Don't make me do
the whole thing.

The wig is just in case
someone peeks over the top.

How about the dress, bud?

-CHARLIE: Goddamn it. It...
-[stall door opens]

-Oh!
-Whoa. Whoa. [laughs]

Okay, okay.
Look, the dress just ties

the whole look together,
so, you know...

You are a cross-dresser.

No, I'm not.
Look, I was raised

by a single mother, you know?

And we were always on the go,
and sometimes

we'd be at, like, a museum
or, you know, a stadium,

and I'd have to go to
the bathroom, and my mom wasn't

gonna put me in
the men's room by myself,

so she carried around a dress
with her.

She would slip it on,
and I would go in and out

of the women's bathroom
and no one would notice.

And then, you know,
as the years went by,

I just got more comfortable
pooping

with a dress, so, whatever,
it's not that weird.

-Hold on, though,
it's very, very weird. -It is so weird.

Look, lots of people do it.
It's...

-I doubt it.
-I don't know anybody who does it.

-Uh, no.
-Not one person on the planet.

It is what it is, I mean,

it's the only way
I can poop, so...

-O-kay.
-I guess it is what it is.

-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
-It is what it is, and it is very strange,

but it does bring up
an interesting point.

You see, Dee, you did mention
moments ago

that you would be
comfortable having

a transgender woman
use your bathroom.

Of course I would, so what?

-Well...
-No. That's not,

that's not the same thing,
he's not transgender.

Well, no. He's-he's not
transgender,

but he identifies as a woman
when he poops.

No. No. Goddamn it,
you're only saying that

'cause my bathroom's nicer.

No, no. I-I think,
I think Mac is right.

I think this system is
antiquated, and I think--

-Is that, is that a hand dryer?
-Oh, damn.

-Yeah, there's a hand dryer
in here. -Oh, goddamn it.

-[overlapping conversation]
-Well, let's vote. All those in favor.

-MAC/DENNIS/CHARLIE/FRANK: Aye.
-No. Goddamn it.

Nice. Okay, well, I knew
we could solve it, guys.

-This is great.
-And then should we also change the signs on the doors

to reflect that
it's not a boys' room

-and a girls' room anymore?
-DENNIS: Right. Yeah, no.

We'll pop some new signs
on there real fast.

You know, so it's clear that any
gender can use any bathroom.

-Yeah, yeah.
-How hard could that be?

-The dress is making me have to
poop really bad, so I'm gonna... -Okay, let's do it.

-Oh, goddamn it.
-Gotta poop, gotta poop.

W-Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, I'm sorry,

what's wrong
with this one again?

Well, I think it's confusing,
is what the problem is.

-Mm. Mm-hmm.
-Like, maybe we need words or something.

Well, also, like, what's with
the floating starfish

trying to eat the rock?

-That's a baby.
-That's a baby?

-Yes, that's a...
-MAC: That's a baby?

So, now what's happening, you
got wheelchair guy's back there

throwing babies around trying
to get them in wheelchairs?

-DEE: It's confusing.
-Okay, all right.

So what if I cover up the baby,
how about now?

I don't get it. Now it looks
like you either got to be

in a wheelchair or a he-she
to go poop in there.

-No, no, no, no, Frank,
come on, don't say "he-she." -What?

-It's hermaphrodite.
-MAC: Oh, nope.

Dee, you can't say that anymore,
either.

-It's intersex.
-Well, this is all confusing.

Why do I have to keep learning
new things?

How about this?

We'll call the bathrooms
gender neutral.

That makes me uncomfortable,
because I'm not neutral

-about my gender.
-Mm.

-So now you're uncomfortable,
okay. -DEE: Okay.

We put one sign on each door,
both of them say "gender fluid."

Right. 'Cause that-that implies,
like, you're this,

-you're that.
-I don't know. I don't like thinking about gender fluids.

Like, just, uh,
it's a gross image to me.

-All right. Well...
-MAC: You know what? Look, look.

It's just all so confusing.

You know, we got to make this
much simpler.

I have an idea, if I could just
go do one that I think will

-clear it all up.
-Great. Go for it, buddy. Hop to it.

-[overlapping chatter]
-All right, do it, yeah.

-Quick.
-Is the Internet working?

-Hmm...
-DEE: Well, hang on. Hey.

Yes, but you stay off it.
You stay...

-No. No.
-No, no. I'm just...

You crashed
our last three laptops, man.

-You are not doing it again.
-Bring it out here.

Do it out here where
we can see what you're doing.

-No, I'll do it in the office.
-Do it in front of us.

It'll take me, like,
two minutes. Two minutes.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-You go fast.

MAC:
I'm-I'm finished.

-I'm finally finished.
-Oh, God. It's about time. -Goddamn it.

-He's limping.
-Are you chafed?

-He's chafed.
-Huh? Oh, yeah. Super chafed. Hey, do you know

how to get Russian malware
out of a computer?

-No.
-Then the computer's broken.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. -Aw!

-Yeah, but the sign's done.
-All right, man.

Let's see what you got.

-What do you think?
-[Charlie sighs]

Well, I don't know
what I'm looking at.

DENNIS: Yeah.
What-what am I seeing here?

It's just dicks.

-No. There's... I mean, yes.
-CHARLIE: Oh.

There are a couple of dicks,
but...

-It's mostly dicks.
-That's a lot of dicks.

-Oh, now...
now all I see is dicks. -Mm-hmm.

No, there's also pictures

of road kill
and roast beef sandwiches

to accurately depict
what a vagina looks like.

-CHARLIE: Okay.
-DENNIS: Anyone else uncomfortable?

All right. Moving on.

All right. I'm just gonna go
back to the office.

-No, you stay here.
-No. No, no, no. No!

You are not going back to the...

-Yeah.
-All right, all right.

So, this... I think
this covers it all, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think. Yeah. There's the man.

-Uh-huh.
-The woman.

-Mm-hmm.
-That's the he-shes,

or the interspecies,
whatever it is.

Yeah, whatever you said.

FRANK:
And this is Christians,

-Muslims.
-DEE: I assume

the dollar sign is meant
to represent Jews?

Well, it ain't the Mormons.

-Uh...
-Let's not get into that.

-[groans]
-Okay, you know what?

-Why-why are we bringing...?
-I was against it. Yeah.

Why are we bringing religion
into this at all?

Because I want to know
who's in there,

-because
it'll make me feel safer. -DEE: Oh, goddamn.

Can we please put two signs
on the doors?

-Both signs say "toilet."
-Yeah...

-Oh.
-DEE: There's a toilet in there,

and that's all you really need
to know.

-You make a good point.
I think that would work. -Could say "toilet,"

-and then it's kind of
your choice which one you use. -Just "toilet."

That actually does work.

-I feel like that totally works.
-Yeah. -We solved it?

-Okay, great. We so...
-Did we do it? -We solved it!

-DENNIS: We solved it!
-DEE: Oh, my God!

-Let's get the hell out of here.
-All right.

I feel like it was my idea,
but, yeah.

Oh, you son of a bitch.
Just go.

-I think I said it first.
-Just go.

You guys, you go,
and I'll-I'll lock up, okay?

I've had Chinese food.
It wants out, so...

-Yeah.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why aren't you using
the good bathroom?

Well, 'cause I'm about
to do some real damage.

I don't... I don't want to do it
in the good bathroom.

Well, I'm-I'm uncomfortable
with that.

-DEE: How?
-So close.

-[Mac sighs]
-We were so close.

Well, because I just don't want
to share my bathroom

-with a bunch of broads.
-DENNIS: What happened, Frank?

-We decided
we were all cool with it. -We were fine.

I didn't know
she was gonna smash in there.

A woman is not a lady
when she's dumping up a john.

Also, this brings up
an interesting point.

We should probably
confine Dee's damage

to, like, one bathroom
or the other, you know?

Otherwise,
I'm gonna have to clean both.

Charlie, you're the janitor.

You should be cleaning
both bathrooms regardless.

-He hasn't been.
-Clean both bathrooms! -I do it.

Yeah, all right.
Well, now you're just, like,

kind of getting off-topic here,
you know?

I have an idea.
The guys should be able

to pick
whichever bathroom they want.

-Dee has to stay in hers.
-What?!

-All in favor.
-Hey, that's majority rules.

-Get out of here.
-Yeah, yeah.

-DENNIS: There you go.
Solves it. -No. No, no, no.

Absolutely not.
No. You guys can't take away

my right to choose.

-Oh, you want to go there?
-I do want to go there.

My body, my choice.
It says so in the Constitution.

-Okay, well, the Bible says...
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys,
don't do this. No, come on.

It's crazy. All right.
Don't make this about abortion.

Guys, we always do this.
We veer wildly off-topic,

and the next thing you know,
we're having some ridiculous

argument that has nothing to do
with what we're trying

-to solve, you know.
-And then tempers flare.

Exactly. We're talking about
evolution all of a sudden.

Then we're arguing about racism
or whether or not ghouls exist.

-They do, though,
'cause I've seen one. -No, they don't.

-No, they do.
-You-you've never seen them.

-Yes, I have seen them.
-No, you haven't.

-Yes, I have!
-Oh! -DENNIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-No, wait! Hey, stop! Hey, stop!
-Charlie!

-You stupid twink!
-I'm a bear! I'm a bear!

-You wish you were a bear!
-DENNIS: Take it easy! Hey!

Get-- Stop! We're off-topic.
This is not Buffett.

This is not... We're not being
very Buffett right now.

-That was not Buffett at all.
-We're not being very Buffett.

-It wasn't very Buffett of me.
-MAC: It's not Buffett, man.

All right, all right.
Oh! I got an idea.

It should just be about what's
going on in there, right?

What if we have

separate bathrooms...
for separate bodily functions?

Oh, like a piss room
and a shit room.

Yeah. Exactly, okay?
And, uh, we just

put very simple labels
on the door.

Room number one for when
you got to empty your balls,

and room number two for when
you got to empty your butt.

Pee is not in your balls,
but... yeah. Okay.

No. I don't think
it's gonna work because

nobody can shit when everybody
knows you're shitting.

-Why not? Everybody shits.
-FRANK: Yeah.

Yeah, but it's a shameful act
that we all do in secret.

-That's true.
-Even dogs know that.

You ever see their eyes
when they're doing it?

-They know.
-Mm.

CHARLIE:
They look at you like this.

-FRANK: Yeah.
-DENNIS: Yeah. They're ashamed.

Yeah, well, guys, it's a system
that invites abuse.

I mean, who here would use
the piss room to shit?

No, that's the whole point,
is that you just pee in it.

-I wouldn't do that.
-You use the shit room to shit.

Yeah. No one's gonna do that.

-FRANK: Pee over there.
-Really?

Yeah. I'd-I'd poop
in the pee room.

I would poop immediately
in the pee room.

100% of the time
I will shit in the piss room.

-You're totally right.
-Actually, don't like this idea.

See? There you go.
I rest my case.

Yeah. But you know what?
Maybe people would be

a little less inclined to cheat,
and they wouldn't feel ashamed,

if they had
a little bit more privacy.

Like, what if the partitions

went all the way down
to the ground?

-Hmm.
-Yeah?

And you created sort of a dome
of privacy.

-So you're closed in.
-DENNIS: You're closed in.

You know what you could do?
You could add

a scented candle in there
for the smells.

-DENNIS: Right.
-MAC: And some noise to cover the sounds.

-Mm-hmm.
-Yes. -Loud noise, like screaming.

-Mm-hmm.
-Or just music.

Let's do music. Guys, we're
making progress. This is great.

I'll tell you what. Uh, Dee, why
don't you go grab some cardboard

-for the partitions.
-Yep, yep.

And, um, I'll order us
some breakfast burritos.

-It's getting to that time.
-'Cause I'm getting hungry.

-Yeah!
-Tasty. -Extra bacon for you?

-Okay, okay. Yeah.
-Extra bacon, baby. -All right.

[people screaming]

The screaming's
kind of cool, right?

It's better. It's better.
Works better than the music.

-I never would've thought.
-Yeah, yeah.

The music, it was like, I felt
like I could hear maybe

-a poop or a pee happening,
but the screams are... -Right.

And I honestly, I feel like
I'm not even in a bathroom

-right now.
-Yeah. Here you are eating a burrito.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-In a bathroom. [laughs] -[toilets flushing]

-Oh! That was great.
-Yeah, how'd that go? Yeah?

I did something in there. I'm
not gonna tell you what, though.

Well, there's no need.
I couldn't hear a thing,

-and I can't smell
a thing, so... -Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Frank,
how's it going in there, man?

FRANK: The walls are too high.
I don't know where to aim.

-Aim? Aim-aim at the bowl.
The toilet. -You just aim at the toilet.

-The same spot.
-What are you talking about?

-Ah!
-Whoa! Hey! -Oh! Goddamn it.

Never sneak up
on a man like that,

especially when he's at
his most vulnerable.

Why do you have a gun
on the toilet?

I always carry a gun
on the toilet.

Otherwise, I can't make.

Well, now I'm
very uncomfortable.

Well, tough titties.

I got the right
to defend myself.

It's in the Constitution.

Have you ever read
the Constitution?

Yes.

No.

This is wild stuff.

There's a part in here that says
that freed slaves

are only three-fifths
of a person.

-It's wild. Yeah.
-Really? It says that in there?

I can't imagine where
you're going with this, Frank.

Well, I was figuring
that if we handled

this problem like the
Constitution, that would mean

that white landowners
would get a full bathroom.

Everybody else gets
three-fifths.

How do you use three-fifths
of a bathroom?

Piss in the sink.

I beg you to stop
using the Constitution

in the way that you're using it.

Listen. Frank just gave me
a good idea.

-Hmm.
-Okay. -Reparations.

Look, minorities
have been treated

like shit in this country
for so long, right?

So, I say we give them
the good bathroom.

You know? I mean, for years and
years, they've been oppressed.

The least we can give them is,
you know,

a nice place to piss
and shit, right?

And we got to put up a sign
so that they know their place.

Now, are-are you proposing
that we put a sign

on one of the bathrooms
that says "minorities only"?

What does the other sign say?

-"No minorities allowed."
-DENNIS: That's crazy.

-Do you hear yourself?
-CHARLIE: That's bad. -DEE: You hear where

you're running
into trouble there, right?

No, no, it's super progressive.

-No...
-Yeah, i-it's a bathroom

-for women, non-whites,
and gays. -Uh...

Oh, oh!

Oh, I get it.

And I-I'm 100% on board.

I agree. I'm with you.

Wait a second, Dee.
So now you're okay

with Mac using your bathroom?

Yeah. As long as the majority
of the people

aren't taking a shit
in my bathroom, sure.

Okay, well, let's just go ahead
and vote for it. Ch-Charlie?

W-Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second there.

Before you vote, uh, Charlie,
uh, you know,

consider this--
there's-there's no shame

in doing what's best
for the majority.

I mean, that is
what a democracy is, right?

It's trying to please
the greatest number

of people in a country.

-White people.
-Please don't help.

Okay? Yeah.
Uh, what I'm saying is

that you're never gonna be able
to please everybody.

It's just-- There's no way,
you know what I mean?

And, of course, everybody wants
their own little piece

of paradise, right?
I like mine with--

I like mine
with lettuce and tomato.

♪ Heinz 57
and French fried potatoes.♪

-Mm.
-But that's just me, you know?

There's a small minority
of people out there,

they like their cheeseburgers
with pineapple.

-Oh, yeah, I know.
Get the hell out of here. -Ew.

-Gross.
-What are you thinking? You know what I mean?

But there is a minority
out there, and that's how

they like it. But are we saying
that, for those people's sake,

we got to have
every single hamburger store

in the whole country
offer pineapples

-on their cheeseburgers?
I don't think that's right. -We'll run out of pineapples.

Mm-mm. We ought
to take it off the pizza, too.

Hawaiians are savages.

Okay, you're not helping,
all right?

Your racism is making--
I hate when you're on my side.

Mm-hmm. Okay, all good points,
you know, strongly made.

I like the hat. I was focused
on that most of the time.

But I-I'm kind of leaning
towards you.

I don't know why.
It might be the shirt.

Look, majority rules may
have worked in medieval times,

but we live
in a civil society now.

And societies are judged on how

they treat
their most vulnerable.

See, we have to give voices
to those who have no voice.

-He's right--
-Shut up, Dee! I'm talking!

Women are always... Goddamn it.

Look, what I was saying was
that we need to protect

those most marginalized, okay?

We need to change our attitudes.

We need to change
our latitudes.

And we need to vote
for a minorities-only bathroom.

Okay, uh, also good, strong
points there made forcefully.

I was distracted
by the shiny shirt. That's cool.

I liked when you snapped at Dee.

It was annoying
when she chimed in.

Um, so maybe I'm leaning
towards you now. I don't know.

-Okay, well, then that means
we're all voting for... -Oh!

Wait, wait, wait! I just looked
up the demographics of Philly.

It says here that this city
is 54% women

and 68% Christian.

-Whoa.
-Which means that Mac and Dee

are in the majority.

-Wait, wait, wait, is that true?
-FRANK: Uh-huh.

It also says that 52% are black,

which means white men,

like me and Dennis,

are in the minority.

DENNIS: Uh-oh, we're minorities,
which means that,

by your own argument,

we actually should get
the good bathroom.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I-I'm gay,

so that-that still means
that I'm a minority.

Yeah, but are you more gay
than you are Catholic?

I don't know.
They're at war.

It's all very confusing.
Where--

What does it say
about transgenders...?

-Less than one percent.
-Yeah.

So what am I?

You are white.

Okay, and I'm a...?

Man.

And that would make me...?

-In the minority.
-Which means I go towards...?

Us. Y-You know what?
Frank, you explain it to him.

I'm gonna-- I'm g--
[chuckles] I'll-I'll kill--

-I'll-I'll smash him and, uh...
-You get the good bathroom.

-If I come with you?
Okay, it was clear-- -Yes.

It wasn't totally clear before,

-but I get it now.
-It should've been.

Oh, boy. Yeah, okay, so yes.

-I got it.
-So all those in favor of doing the actual right thing

and giving the minorities
the good bathroom,

-let's go ahead
and raise your hand. -Yeah. Hey!

-Okay, all right! Great, hey.
-FRANK: Okay.

-Finally, a win
for straight white men, right? -Great.

-Now we're talking. Yeah.
-Yeah! Finally, something for us.

-We got it. Yeah.
Something for the guys. -Something for us. Okay.

-Yeah, let's go to Buffett!
-All right, we're gonna--

-Anybody want cheeseburgers?
-All right.

-I'm gonna get the grill ready.
-Well, yeah, hey, if I'm headed

-to paradise,
I'm gonna want a cheeseburger. -Let's roll!

-What-what are you guys doing?
Let's go. -Let's go.

We're not going.

What do you mean
you're not going? What?

You used Buffett's words

to promote discrimination, dude.

It's not cool.

No, but you guys have to go.
I mean,

you're the only two other real
Parrotheads of the bunch.

I mean, Frank's just going
'cause the chicks are wild.

You know what I mean?

-And, Charlie,
he doesn't know what's going on. -I know.

-Yes, I do.
-He has no-- No. What are the songs?

-What's another Buffett song?
-♪ Aruba, Jamaica...♪

-That's Beach Boys.
-It is.

-I don't know the songs.
-Yeah. That's the Beach Boys.

FRANK: Well, there's no sense
in going to Buffett

if they're not--
we're not all gonna go.

Then we're not going to Buffett.

-[whistles]
-[groans]

♪ If you like piña coladas...♪

Please don't, Charlie.
It's too-- it-it--

-It hurts too much.
-I thought you-- Come on, man.

I thought you said
it wasn't Buffett.

Yeah, but i-it's close enough.

You guys ever listened
to the lyrics to that song?

-It's super dark.
-Is it?

-Mm-mm.
-Yeah, it's about

a guy trying
to cheat on his wife.

Don't tell me that, man.
It's, like, such a happy song.

You know?
Who doesn't like piña coladas?

I don't. You know,
they're not my first choice.

Just as a woman on the go,
I got to be able

to really put 'em back,
and if you drink those too fast,

-you'll get
that-that frozen headache. -Hmm.

As a straight man,
I actually love piña coladas,

but I don't like getting caught
in the rain.

It flattens my hair. Yeah.

And you guys know
how great I look in leather.

-As a gay man, I do.
-And that's what's so annoying about you, Mac.

-That's not really a gay thing.
That's just a you thing. -It's so annoying.

What about that bullshit about
making love until midnight?

I mean, as a senior citizen,

I can't get it up past 6:00,
6:30, tops.

-Mm...
-Really? -Oh, geez. I got that

-to look forward to, huh?
-Really.

You know, as a straight man
who poops transgender...

-You got to just let that go.
-I'll probably stop doing that.

-It's not a thing.
-It's time to stop doing that. -I guess, you know,

guys, when it comes down to it,

we all identify very differently
out here.

You know? But in there...

in there,
we're not so different.

In there, we're all the same.

In there, we're all just
disgusting, vulnerable, ashamed.

Like a bunch of filthy animals
dumping in a shithouse.

It's the one common thing
amongst a-a king and a pauper.

-Right.
-You know? We all got to take a shit.

Yeah, right. Why are we trying
to make everyone

feel comfortable in there?
When the truth is

no one's ever gonna feel
comfortable shitting next

-to another human being.
It's just awkward. -Well, if we're never gonna get

anybody to feel good
about shitting together,

how are we gonna solve
the problem?

Hold on a second.
Hold on. Listen.

-If we're all the same
in there... -DENNIS: Uh-huh.

then why don't we just focus
on treating other people

the way that we want
to be treated?

Dee...

we were just talking,

-and you just barged right in.
-Yeah, shut the fuck up.

-Shut the fuck up.
-Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

-That was, like, so pretentious.
-CHARLIE: Yeah.

-Something very pretentious
about it. -We were talking.

-I really feel like we're
right in the... -All right. Okay.

Hey, you know what, guys?
I think I may have just come up

with a solution
for our bathroom problem.

♪

Uh-huh.

-Yeah, that'll do it.
-There we go.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's perfectly clear. -We did it.

Guys, if we leave right now,
we can still make the concert.

-[whoops]
-Let's do it. -Buffett!

-Ooh, let's go.
-[chuckles]

♪ If you like piña coladas♪

-[Dee mimicking instrumental]
-♪ And getting caught♪

♪ In the rain♪

♪ If you're not into yoga♪

♪ If you have half a brain♪

♪ If you like making love
at midnight♪

♪ In the dunes of the cape♪

♪ Then I'm the love
that you've looked for♪

♪ Write to me and escape♪

♪

♪ I didn't think about my lady♪

♪ I know that sounds...♪

[trio chanting backwards]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0