All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s12e05 Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer.eng

DENNIS: All right.

Uh, let's get started.

(clears throat) What do
you guys want to know?

NARRATOR: The circumstances
surrounding the death of

the woman born Maureen Ponderosa

captivated South Philadelphia.

(indistinct police radio chatter)

She was discovered in an
alley with a broken neck.

In 2013, Maureen had begun

- her transition to a cat.
- (cat mews)

And in her cat form,
she went by the name Bastet

to honor the Egyptian god of cats.

(cat yowls)

The story quickly became
fodder for local media.

So much for having nine lives.

This cat did not land on her feet.

She landed on her neck.

NARRATOR: Authorities soon focused

on the suspicious nature of her death.

GIRARD: My name is Lance Girard.

I've been with the Philadelphia
Police Department for 24 years,

12 of which were with
the Homicide division.

I've seen a lot of things.

A man wants to turn
himself into a woman?

Okay. Who am I to judge?

But, really, a cat?

What's next? A watermelon?

(camera clicks)

First thing we wanted to establish is

to whether the deceased
was acting strange.

Not like "I'm turning myself
into a cat" strange.

More like suicide strange.

We learned that she was excited
about an upcoming surgery,

a, uh, reverse nipplectomy.

That's where they add more nipples.

(cat meows)

I guess...

I don't know... she wanted more nipples.

The thought of that just makes
me want to blow my lunch.

Now, apparently,
the ex-husband was on the hook

for this surgery due to
an alimony arrangement.

He wasn't happy about it.

That's when he became
our primary suspect.

DENNIS: Was I irritated by this?

Yeah, of course I was.

I mean, it was
the most expensive procedure yet.

You know, but I-I remained supportive

and, uh, kept my cool.

And I never threatened her in any way.

Now, due to the nature of this call,

we decided to bring
him in for questioning.

(indistinct police radio chatter)

And he cooperated.

Said he wanted to clear his name.

GIRARD: He answered every question.

Even offered DNA samples.

Although he did request
to draw his own blood,

which is kind of strange.

Mr. Reynolds was forthright.

Charming, quite frankly.

GIRARD: It wasn't until I reviewed

the interrogation footage
later that I saw it.

Something very unsettling.

24 years on the job,

I'd never seen anything like it.

Two hours.

Never moved.

Never blinked.

Gives me goose bumps
just thinking about it.

He had all the right answers,

but my gut told me this guy was guilty.

Of something.

Did I kill Maureen? No.

Am I glad she's dead? Sure.

NARRATOR: Maureen's family was
convinced of Dennis's guilt.

(snorts) Maureen?

Maureen died three years ago.

Dennis killed Bastet, all right?

And let me tell you something.
He did us all a favor.

You ever seen a grown woman
take a dump in a sandbox?

NARRATOR: Despite conjecture,
the question still remained:

Was there anything
in Dennis Reynolds' past

that would suggest
him capable of murder?

Testing. Testing.

Syphilis. Syphilis. (laughs)

That's... Well, yeah...

Well, he kind of...

snapped the neck, uh,
off a crow one time a little bit.

But that... but that's not

not normal right, you know?

(laughs) I mean, it was just like boys

being boys. Yeah. That...

Look, we had a totally
normal childhood, and...

Look, Dennis wouldn't hurt a fly.
No way.

FRANK: Whatever Deandra says is BS.

She's probably just covering for him

because she's afraid he's gonna
snap her neck like that crow.

- (crow cawing)
- DEE: He didn't just snap it.

He broke the thing's head clean off.

- It was gruesome.
- (snap)

I still have nightmares about it.

And I'm old.

She told you what?

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Look... that crow was injured,

and I was simply putting
it out of its misery,

while, yes, testing the tensile
strength of a crow's neck.

Well, yes, there was another crow,

but that's because I
simply couldn't believe

that a crow's neck could be that weak.

Well, yes, there was a third crow,

and a fourth, if you must know,
but who likes crows?

FRANK: Look, if you can kill a crow,
you can kill a cat.

- (crow cawing)
- (echoing): Cat, cat, cat...

That's why I started recording
all our conversations.

I suspected Frank was probably recording

all of our conversations,
because of course he would.

But let me tell you something,

he was no fan of Maureen's, either.

He was just trying to deflect attention,

which is why I started recording

all of our conversations as well.

I could have worn a goddamn
IMAX camera around my neck

and he wouldn't have noticed.

The old bitch.

And I caught him saying
some pretty troubling stuff.

What are we watching here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cats, cats.

Is that me?

Cats.
I'll tell you what to do with cats.

Who shot this thing? Dennis?

Here's what you do with cats.

Back in the sweatshop in 'Nam,
we found a cat,

we tossed it right in the soup.

Those hungry bastards
ate cat soup every day.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

Some little kid choke
on a hairball and die.

So then you toss him in the soup.

I was making money
hand over foot, literally.

Somebody lost a hand or a foot,
I'd toss it in the soup.

(burps)

Well, that's all a lie.

(burps)

Uh, there was no soup.

(burps)

Nope.

There's no sweatshop.

(muffled burping)

Excuse me. I got to go to the can.

(static crackling)

NARRATOR: Investigators
wanted to verify the timeline

Dennis provided to authorities.

DENNIS: Like I told the police, uh,

Mac and I were watching a
movie back at the apartment,

and then I went to the bar.

That's true. We were watching
Operation Dumbo Drop.

We were doing this amazing
thing that I came up with,

where we watch an old movie,

and then I turn the
volume down really low

and we make wiseacre
remarks the entire time.

Yeah, he didn't come up with it.

It's just Mystery Science Theater 3000.

- It's a spin on that.
- It's exactly that.

- Well, there's no robots.
- So it's worse.

Oh, come on, Dennis. It's funny.

It-It's not funny.
It's not funny at all,

because you can never
think of jokes on the fly.

H-He, like, pauses the movie

to try and think of
something funny to say,

and then he never can
think of anything funny,

so he ends up just saying a line
from Borat or Austin Powers.

It's super annoying and played-out,
and it's not funny.

Well, uh, like this. "Get in my belly."

But you're never referring
to anything when you say it.

"Yeah, baby. Get in my belly."

Well, that's two different characters.

- That's Mike Myers.
- It's not Mike Myers.

It's... it's multiple characters

that Mike Myers plays
in-in the same movie.

Multiple characters in the same movie?

What is he, a wizard?

Look, it's funny, Dennis.

It's not funny.

Are we done with this? Can we be done?

I'm tired of saying the same
things over and over again.

Well, wait. Wh... hold...
Dennis, d-don't leave without me.

I mean, dude, look, are you mad at me?

NARRATOR: Investigators
could find no discrepancies

in the timeline.

But then...

a twist.

He totally could have done it.

Now, supposably,
Dennis didn't see Maureen that night,

but remember that Maureen
was once Dennis's...

(imitates Borat): "Wife. Very nice."

That was Borat.

It was Friday, payday.

Maureen always came into Paddy's

to pick up her alimony check, ASAP.

NARRATOR: To avoid confusion,
it should be pointed out

that in a bizarre twist,

Deandra Reynolds refused to
be a part of this documentary

unless we allowed her to play Maureen

in the reenactment.

(cat meows)

MAC: And Dennis always made a big show

of getting her with the spray bottle.

You know, because cats hate water.

(cat yowling)

So, you see,
Dennis totally saw Maureen that night.

Charlie was there.

Why hasn't he spoken up?

Probably because Dennis...

intimidated him.

Oh, I just thought it'd
be more dramatic if I...

Oh, come on, come on. I didn't lie.

I just left out some facts
that are insignificant.

And-and intimidate Charlie?
Please. What am I gonna do?

Call him on the phone and threaten him?

No, I know.
But, I mean, if Mac's gonna do it,

then, you know, I'm gonna do it.

(bell clanging)

(chuckles)

At this point in the interrogation,

Christ, I was at a loss.

NARRATOR: Further inspection
of Dennis Reynolds' safe

- revealed a cache of suspicious items.
- (siren wailing)

DENNIS: Awesome.

NARRATOR:
So while Mr. Kelly's statements

were clearly unreliable and
would need to be thrown out,

another breakthrough came:

autopsy results came back from the lab.

Um...

Look, is getting groomed
like a cat by your ex weird?

Yep.

Is it illegal?

(chuckles) I wish.

NARRATOR: The investigation
was at a crossroads.

Then another massive break.

FRANK: Dennis has an answer
for everything.

Well, answer me this:

Where's the collar?

(camera clicks)

- (cat meows)
- Cats have collars.

Maureen's body

didn't have a collar on it.

Killers keep trophies.

Alls I'm saying,

find the collar, find the killer.

NARRATOR: This is not the
first time the collar came up.

Dee Reynolds had, oddly,

made the collar an issue during filming.

DEE: Hey. Stop!

Stop! Stop with the squirting!
Stop! Cool it!

We said one spray and then my line.

I... It was in my contract
that we talked...

I put one squirt in there for...
on purpose.

And this collar!
I... Th-There's something wrong

with the collar. It's driving me nuts.

It... is an actual flea collar?

You son of a bitch.

I-I really think the water activated

some kind of, like, chemical agent.
My-my neck's burning.

NARRATOR: Was the flea collar
actually burning her,

as she claimed?

Are you serious?

Yes, asshole! It was burning my skin!

You want to zoom in on this?!

NARRATOR: Hard to say.

But maybe there was another
reason she removed it.

FRANK: Whatever Deandra says is BS.

She's probably just covering
for him because she's afraid

he's gonna snap her neck like that crow.

(crow caws)

NARRATOR: Maybe Deandra
didn't want to wear the collar

in order to cover for her brother

and to establish that Maureen
never wore a collar at all.

We then discovered something
in this piece of footage

that blew the doors
wide open on this case.

Was I a person of interest?

Yeah.

I am an interesting person.

But at the end of the day, you know,

I'm just some guy with a crazy ex-wife

who fell off of a roof
pretending to be a cat.

That's the end of it.

All my stories checked out.

I was cleared. Case closed.

FRANK: Find the collar, find the killer.

Find the collar, find the killer.

DENNIS: ...'cause a dog is who I am now!

WRESTLING ANNOUNCER: ...hit the referee!

FRANK: Find the collar...

MAC (imitates Borat): "Very nice."

FRANK: Find the collar, find the killer.

Guys, this was an open-and-shut
case that was shut months ago.

And Maureen never wore a collar.
You guys put that there.

Well, yeah,
we needed a big twist at the end

to show that you're guilty.

But I'm-I'm not guilty.

What about the security
footage of Maureen's death?

I mean, it shows her
prancing around on the roof

like an asshole,
and then she just falls off.

CHARLIE: People don't want to see that,

because it's hard evidence,

- you know what I mean?
- Yeah.

CHARLIE: Like, it's better to
actually sit on that footage

until, like, maybe episode ten,
and then let people

decide then if you're guilty or not.

Ten episo...
You're gonna do ten episodes of this?

Yeah, but then even then
we would keep it vague.

I mean, 'cause that's entertainment,
you know?

Someone gets murdered,
and then you make a show.

But you never give any actual answers,

- because that's what people love.
- No.

You drag it out. You rake it
all over the victim's family.

It's sort of like eating
a bag of chips, you know?

It's never gonna actually make you full,

and at the end you're sick,

but you want to go back for more.

You want more chips.

- Murder is chips.
- Okay,

you know what, I don't know
what you guys are talking about,

but I'm gonna find these tapes,
and I'm gonna destroy them.

Well, we have backups, so it...

- Yeah.
- Oh, you know what?

That could make a good episode,
where he's destroying...

Let's think about that, right?
He's destroying the tapes...

MAC: You know what,

that would be

(imitates Borat): "very nice."

(Mac and Charlie laughing)

Is that Borat?

Yes! See?

He gets it. He's laughing.

- Yeah, 'cause I know he was doing an impression.
- He's laughing.

Okay, wait, uh, let me...
let me think of another one.

Let me think of another one.
"I'll be back."

CHARLIE: Oh... (stammers) Who is that?
Who is that?

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com

(trio chanting backwards)

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