All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s12e03 House.eng

MAC: No, your mom is
the monster, all right?

My mom is the sweet one.

CHARLIE: Oh, the sweet one?

Are you kidding me? Uh, look,

if anything, my mom's
aggravatingly sweet,

but we're not having an argument
about who's sweeter, what...

Whoa, whoa, hang on a second here, guys.

What are you going on about?

All right, look,

my mom's been calling me,

like, all the time, okay?

She's clearly upset.

Well, how would you know?
You don't even answer.

My mom stopped calling me altogether.

Your mom stopped calling you

the day the phone was invented.

My mom has a great relationship with me.

- She never calls you!
- She calls me all the time!

- Yes, she does!
- But I have proof, anyway.

I have proof. Look at this.

I got this in the mail.

Is that, like, a ransom
note from Mac's mom?

Huh? No. This... my mom sent this.

Oh. Why would your mom write
a ransom note to herself?

Oh, it's not a...
it's not a ransom note.

This is just how she writes notes to me.

That-that's like a bunch
of gibberish, Charlie.

I don't know...

Is that a hieroglyph of a dog?

Yeah, that's the animal my
mom fears the most, right?

She-she feels trapped
inside her own home.

There is no way

you could get that from this.

Oh-oh, okay, guys, guys, guys.

I think I have a pretty
simple solution here.

You see, ever since I moved in

with Mac, and Dee and Old Black Man,

my surveillance system's
just lying around in storage.

I got about a baker's dozen of cameras.

They're just sitting there.

I say we set them up in your mom's home

and find out what's
really going on in there.

- That could work. I mean, yeah.
- Great idea.

- You don't think that's creepy?
- CHARLIE: What?

He's talking about spying on your moms.

So what?

You can't spy on unsuspecting women.

That's horrible.

Uh, they're not women. They're old.

At a certain point a woman
goes from being a woman

to just being an old person.

- True.
- Well, what happens to a man?

A man lives and then dies. Why
are we having this argument?

- A man remains a man.
- Dennis, it's a great idea.

Okay, and no one's gonna get hurt.

It's not like they're gonna
get exploited in any way, right?

No, no, no, exactly. I
think once we have a look

at what's going on in there,
we might find the situation

to be, uh, pretty comical.

(laughs)

BONNIE: Oh, it's so
nice of you to bring us

all these lovely gifts, Charlie.

The plant, the globe,

(cooing): and the little teddy bear.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Mom.

No, we aren't gonna
touch the gifts, right?

Okay, we don't touch them.
We just, we look at them.

- Okay.
- And they look back at you and they... Hands off.

Mom, make sure you
don't water this plant.

- Your mom's not gonna water the plants.
- Oh.

She has a very nurturing
nature. She would...

Oh, Mrs. Mac, are you
gonna water the plants?

(groans)

- See.
- Oh, Charlie.

I'm so glad to see you.

- Yeah, okay.
- I was worried that

- you were dead.
- Why?

(groans)

Oh, my mom also thought I was dead,

and she also loves me very much.

(grunts)

No, I don't.

Oh, she meant the first part.

She meant the first part where I...

because she can't imagine a
life without me, right, Mom?

I don't give a shit.

- See.
- I'll put you out

of the misery of this conversation. Mom?

Is there anything you want to tell me

that's going on in the house?

Anything that's bothering you?

- Anything you want to talk about?
- Mom, is there anything

- that's going on in the house
- What are you doing?

that you want to talk
about that's bothering you

- What are you doing?
- in the house or I'm asking my mom a simple question.

You're asking her the exact
same question I just asked,

- so what are you...
- Do you own all of the questions?

Do you own that question?

- You're gonna steal my question.
- (Bonnie yells)

Ow!

Mom, what happened?

She poured hot soup on me!

I was adjusting my undercarriage,

and I accidentally spilled it.

- She poured hot soup on her, dude.
- She was adjusting

- her undercar... Wait a second.
- What...

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

(gasps) We-we could also get some soup.

No, the-the video. We can go back
and watch the video

- and see what actually happened.
- Oh, we can watch and see... Yes.

(Charlie and Mac arguing indistinctly)

- ...complain about the soup.
- She's beating the shit out...

Gentleman, welcome to your moms.

MAC: Wow, man. This is a serious setup.

Yeah, no, it's no joke. I
like how you moved the desk.

- All right, uh, look,
- Yeah.

there was an incident with some soup.

And, uh, did you get anything?
'Cause I'd like to see

if-if his mom poured
on my ma on purpose.

Oh, she definitely did pour it.

And she definitely did it on purpose.

There you go. She's abusing my mom, man.

It's clear as day, but
what's really interesting

is what seems to be happening right here

in the live feed.

- Oh. You want to sleep.
- (snoring softly)

Well, I'll sleep you.

(snorts)

- CHARLIE: Huh.
- MAC: Uh... what the hell, man?

- That's your mom abusing my mom!
- Well... No, it's not!

That's just one of those things,
you know,

- like where...
- What thing?

You know, where you're just
like, you're like, it's like

a "Why, I oughta," but,
you know, it's no big deal.

- Why, I oughta what?
- Why, I oughta bludgeon you

with a hammer. But she's not
actually gonna do it, you know?

It's like how Ralph Kramden on
The Honeymooners would always

say, "Why, I oughta." He was
threatening to beat his wife.

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah. You know? I mean, it's-it's funny

- 'cause he's not actually gonna do it,
- That was funny. Yeah.

even though the threat is always there.

- Yeah, he might...
- Yeah, he might cave her face in,

- but he won't. He won't. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. But he's not gonna, you know?

- That's...
- Yeah, b... Well, that's funny.

But in this circumstance, it's
not funny because it's my mom!

Right, right. Wait,
actually, you know what,

we-we don't really know for
sure whether it's funny or not.

You know, let-let me try something here.

- Let me just...
- (rewinding)

- You want to sleep.
- (snoring softly)

Well, I'll sleep you.

- (snorts)
- (canned laughter)

Hmm. Well, what-what is that?

Well, I don't know, you made
me think of, like, sitcoms,

The Honeymooners. I just
thought, "This isn't very funny."

But if I add a laugh
track, maybe, I don't know.

But it's not a show.
This is their lives.

Yeah, but it-it does kind
of lighten it up for me.

Well, yeah, it did lighten it.
But I'm not saying it...

Can... can you play it again
without the laugh track?

- Yeah, sure.
- (rewinding)

- Well, I'll sleep you.
- (snoring softly)

(snorts)

- See, that goes right back to super dark.
- It's a bummer without it, isn't it?

- It's not funny, it's not funny.
- Yeah, no.

Yeah, but let me...
let me just try it again

- with the, uh...
- (rewinding)

- You want to sleep.
- (snoring softly)

- Well, I'll sleep you.
- (snorts)

- (canned laughter)
- (Dennis, Charlie, and Mac laugh)

- That's funny. That's funny!
- I mean... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's weird, because the
situation really isn't funny,

- and you add a laugh track...
- I know, but the laughing tells me that it's funny.

They have timing, man.

- They have timing, for sure. Yeah.
- That's great.

I don't understand. Is this a
dark situation or a comical one?

Well, we-we don't really know
yet, Mac. We don't know. But...

I tell you what, why don't
we stick around back here

for a little while. Let's watch
how this whole thing plays out.

You know? I'll keep
sweetening the situation

as it calls for it,

and you might as well stick around.

(canned laughter)

Did you just ash in my tapioca?

- Mm-hmm.
- (canned laughter)

- Yeah. All right, yeah. I like that.
- (laughs) This is gold.

- They got something, man. Like... Uh-huh.
- It's really working.

I don't know what this is, but...

- What's this?
- Oh, check it out. Mrs. Mac

and Mrs. Kelly have a
classic comedic rivalry.

I mean, they're going
at it like the greats.

Like Abbott and Costello, Tom and Jerry.

- It's amazing.
- Huh.

- Oh, sorry. Fly.
- (canned laughter)

Buzz off!

(scoffs)

(laughing)

All right, well, you know,
if you guys are looking

for a comedy troupe that beats
the shit out of each other

for laughs, there's nobody
better than the Three Stooges.

Put me on the show.

- Whoa.
- What show? It's not... it's not a show.

- Yeah...
- We're just watching our moms

to figure out what the situation is.

Wh... I mean, it could be a show,

but, I mean, you're right.

It's-it's not a show.

Yeah, well it certainly looks like

you're trying to make a show,

and I think it's a good idea,

and I think you should put me in.

- Why?
- Yeah.

'Cause I'm so much
funnier than these two.

Look at them, they're just
smashing each other with stuff.

I could add a whole, like,

physical comedy element, you know?

Hey, I smell chips.

What are we watching?

We're not really watching anything, yet.

Until Big Funny shows up.

You'll see.

Ooh.

Mrs. Kelly looks hot on screen.

CHARLIE: Come on, man, knock that off.

FRANK: There's something
about people on TV.

Catch me up. W-what did I miss?

Uh, well, the grunty one,

physically abuses the shrill one.

And the shrill one
psychologically abuses

the grunty one.

And it really plays.

It's really funny,

And, you know what, uh, actually,

I-I'm gonna try something here, guys.

(happy sitcom music plays)

You are a horrible woman,

and I can't wait until
those cigarettes kill you.

And I shall dance on your grave.

(audience laughter)

Yeah.

This is so great!

And having those other people laugh

tells me when I should laugh.

- Good.
- Yeah.

I love that.

And the music that I added makes you

- you know that it's light.
- Yeah.

It's also helping me realize
that I think the situation's

okay o-over there, you know?

And-and, honestly, I'm
gonna ignore my mom's note,

like I ignore her phone calls.

I think we're good here.

They have chemistry.

And I really love

how playful and fun my mom's coming off.

- Well.
- Uh, no.

- Yeah, no, no.
- Never.

No, no. I actually find your
mom very off-putting.

- Yeah.
- She's hard-hard on the eyes.

Tough on the eyes.

And you know what else?

- Like, super one-note.
- Yeah.

No! No, no, no, no.

My mom's got lots of notes.

She's a symphony.

She's getting so many laughs.

- She's pushing the...
- I'm concerned about longevity.

I mean, she's getting laughs from us,

now, sure, but, uh, I
think that we're gonna

have a problem in the long run.

You just don't understand the nuance

- of her performance.
- CHARLIE: I don't.

Cut to a close-up.

We need more close-ups.

(hacking and gagging)

Mmm.

(mouthing)

CHARLIE: And she's
constantly looking directly

into the camera somehow.

- She's repulsive.
- She is repulsive.

You know what? I'm gonna go over there

and-and I'm gonna show you.

Sh-she can pop, okay?

She's gonna pop. You'll see.

- (phone rings)
- Uh-oh.

(humming)

- Hang on.
- What's up?

My mom's trying to call me.

Hmm. Oh, wait, wait,
wait, you know what?

Don't pick up. Don't pick up.

- Oh, no, I never would.
- Okay, good.

But let's let that play out.

Camera one.

Oh, Charlie.

Charlie, please pick up.

One, two, three.

Charlie, where are you?

One, two, three.

Oh.

God, it's me, Bonnie.

I'm so worried about my Charlie boy.

Please don't have him
be in a ditch somewhere,

or squished between two trains,

and his body mangled,

so if they move the trains,

all his guts and bodily fluids

and organs spill out.

Please, God...

don't have him die.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

I knew it.

She's a star.

- Huh.
- Charlie.

This-this could be huge.

- Yeah?
- I mean,

I think this really could be a show,

with your mom as the star, I mean,

imagine what that would do for your mom.

I mean, w-what do you think?

Oh, shit.

Well, now I'm thinking

about my mom starring
in a show, and I like it.

Um, now I'm thinking about minotaurs.

Now I'm thinking about
a hoagie sandwich.

Now I'm thinking about a glass
of water to go with the chips.

How-how many of my
thoughts do you need?

Do you want me to go on and on, or...

No, that's... We're good.

Mom, you know that I think
you are the most captivating

and beautiful woman in
the world, don't you?

- No.
- Oh!

I got something for you.

Sort of brighten you up a little bit.

What the hell is that?

Lipstick.

"Heartbreaker."

Just like you.

I ain't wearing no lipstick.

Come on, Mom.

Be-be agreeable,

which makes you rootable,

which makes you likeable.

(bleep) you!

That's a joke.

That's a joke, we will
beep that, I think.

He will beep that, and
that'll be... funny.

Uh, you know, let me just, uh,

try and put some of this...

Buzz off!

That's good... buzz off.

You know, that's like, uh, a call back,

which could become a catchphrase.

You should probably think of a few more

so you're not just too one-note.

What about, um,

"I can't even."

Or, "That went well."

I'm gonna take a shit.

That's not a good catchphrase.

It is healthy, though.

(shouting): Oh...

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

(laughs)

What are you doing?

Just the wacky neighbor, swinging by

with the usual hijinks.

Aga-aga-aga-agoo.

(crunching)

I'm sorry.

Do I hear someone upstairs?

Oh, neighbor!

Just swingin' by to say, "Hello."

Will you look at that?

I've got my dumb head
stuck in the banister.

- Dee's a nightmare, dude.
- It's awful.

CHARLIE: You're not gonna
try and put a laugh in, or...

Uh, nowhere to put it.

Yeah, you can't tell where the jokes

- are supposed to be.
- Exactly.

Whoops. (chuckles) Okay.

It's actually a little bit stuck... Mac?

(groaning): Mac, you
want to come pull on me?

Dee, I-I don't know what you're doing,

because n-none of this is playing,

and you're not funny at all and...

Hey, you know what, Dee?

From here, what you're doing

actually is kind of funny.

I wish we could get Mac out of there.

- Oh, I know.
- Terrible.

He's making me sick.

- Yeah.
- Ugly.

-

Mrs. Kelly, can you please help me out?

Uh, my head is really stuck.

Um, I don't do well with emergencies,

and I have to answer the door.

(muttering)

- Hi, Jack.
- Hi, Bonnie.

Just stopping by to
pick up that hard drive

I accidentally left
under the floorboards.

- Oh, come on in.
- Okay.

Man, what is Uncle Jack doing there?

- He's awful.
- Yeah, so creepy.

He's gonna ruin the show.

Yeah, that creepy pedophile vibe

he's got going on is
going to be a tough sell.

You know, even in Europe.

Uh, let me try something here.

Let me take that jacket.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Thank you.

Mm.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(laughing): That's funny from over here.

Yeah, yeah, just give
me a good push on...

W-what are you doing? Hey,
w-w-what are you doing?

- (loud fart)
- (audience laughing)

What the hell was that, man?

Wh-what, that fart?

I'm just trying some new stuff.

No, n-n-not
the fart, no.

- The fart's good.
- Yeah, no, I'm talking

about the-the sound
effects under my uncle.

- What-what...?
- Well, uh...

I'm trying to make him likeable

by turning him into the romantic lead.

Romantic lead?

They're brother and sister.

Yeah, the audience doesn't know that.

Well, you know what? I want to see her

bang somebody, but not him.

Yeah. All right.

What-what if you make him like a,

like a spy or something, right?

And he's looking for
his hard drive, right?

Because spies are always
looking for hard drives.

Or, or, or how about if you write in

some scumbag stranger
comes in off the street,

and goes to town on Bonnie.

All right, look, I don't
want to over-write this thing.

And-and all of a sudden you want
to turn it into a spy thriller?

- Well...
- That's... I don't want to genre jump.

Let-Let's just see how the
romantic lead thing plays out

- for a minute here.
- All right.

- All right.
- All right?

-
Life is hard on your own

-
Life is hard on your own

-
They're in menopause

Yeah?

- (chuckles)
- What... what do you guys think?

I mean, um, obviously, the
audio is temp, you know.

But we could keep my
singing voice if you like it.

- I like it.
- I like it, and it feels like a real show,

and I love all the letters
flying around on the screen.

- Those are interesting.
- Those are names,

- uh, 'cause it's a credit sequence, which is...
- Okay.

pretty good, but-but why isn't
my mom in the credit sequence?

'Cause I feel like she was popping.

You're lucky your mom's in
the credit sequence at all.

Because I'm writing her
off. She's terrible. Let's...

- Yeah, the word thing you did was good.
- Yeah, it was good, right?

I mean, we got to get
somebody younger in there,

- somebody hipper, somebody who's more fun.
- Yeah.

- You know, preferably somebody of color.
- Okay.

What are you talking about?
You can't kick my mom out.

She lives in the goddamn house.

Well, I'm gonna cut around her, then.

- Yeah, we're gonna...
- Until the ethnic comes, and then

- we're gonna need your mom's room.
- We're gonna get an ethnic.

- You can't get rid of my mom!
- I'm getting rid of her.

- I'm going to cut around her.
- Mac,

- she's out, she's out.
- I'm gonna...

This is... He thinks she pops.

- She's terrible.
- Yeah.

-

- Mrs. Kelly, hold on. Just give me one second.
- Ooh! One, two, three.

- One, two three.
- What? What?

- One, two, three.
- Oh, my God, what?

- (audience applauds)
- Hi, Frank.

What are you doing here?

(whispers): I came to see you.

- Oh!
- Frank, is that you? Hey,

come help me out, I'm stuck.

Not now, Deandra.

(audience laughs)

Oh, by the way,

none of the stuff
you're doing is playing.

Except for the fart stuff.

What fart stuff?

See? You should have
farted after you said that.

Just come help me get out of this thing.

- Put a fart in, Dennis.
- What?

(farts)

Oh, goddamn it, what's
Frank doing over there?

I... You know what, I think
he's playing the scumbag

who comes in off the
street to bang your mom.

Well, I don't want him
banging my mom, dude. Shit.

(audience laughs)

Oh! Uh, hi, Frank.

I didn't know, uh, Bonnie was

gonna be having company. I
would have put my hands on.

How embarrassing.

Get lost. I'm gonna bang your sister.

You got it.

Goddamn it, dude,

This is gross. I-I don't want this.

Can we turn this into
something else? I mean...

Well, maybe... You know what,
maybe we could turn this into,

like, a love triangle thing

between Jack, your mom and Frank?

No, I don't want a
love triangle between...

- Well...
- I don't want any shape of love between them.

That's just gross.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I'll be in the upstairs attic

rooting around if anyone needs me.

- Yeah, I do. I need you.
- Oh, I'll be up there, Dee.

- U-Uncle Jack...
- Come on, Bonnie. This boner

- ain't gonna last forever.
- Okay.

(audience laughs, applauds)

Yeah. Goddamn it, though,

- he's really gonna bang her?
- Yeah.

Did Mac put a camera in my mom's room?

No, I did.

Listen, people... it does not matter

how you people try to ruin this thing.

I will make it work,
because I'm a genius.

MAC: Now look at the... plant!

Look at the plant.

Now look at the globe.
Up. Back to the plant.

Can't cut around her when she's
in every shot, can you, Dennis?

- And look at the teddy bear. And the plant.
- Great.

This disgusting bitch is in every shot?

I don't want to stand here no more.

I got to take another dump.

Oh, look, Mom, no more
shitting, all right?

Um... and when you go, are you
not having a full elimination?

I mean, why are you going so much?

- (audience laughs, cheers)
- Mom?

Mom, where are you?

Don't try and steal focus, Charlie.

- Charlie, can't breathe.
- What? What?

Help. Help, Charlie.

Get off me, you crazy bitch! (grunts)

Mom, look, no more shitting!

- Let's go, we got to go where the action is.
- Oh!

Mom! Frank!

Come on, stop banging!

Charlie. What a pleasant surprise.

Get off me, man. Get off!

- Mom stays in the picture.
- Let's go, come on!

- Charlie! I only got to third!
- Come on, get out of here.

Go. You can have any woman you
want... it's got to be my mom?

Hey, come on, what are you doing?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, Mom,

we got to go where
the action is. Come on.

FRANK: God... Goddamn it!

I was sliding into home, Charlie.

- Get out of here, Frank.
- Aw, come on.

Son of a bitch. Get lost!

- Charlie!
- Aw...

I can't breathe. You
guys, I'm pretty sure

I'm gonna die in this banister.

Charlie, what's going on?

Look, I'm coming clean. We've
been watching you guys, right?

The presents that we brought
over... they're hidden cameras.

The teddy bear, the
globe... all that shit.

I don't know how you
didn't see it. And then we

turned it into a show.
The show was pretty good.

We had chips. But look...
this all started 'cause you

sent me this in the
mail. I got freaked out.

Well, I sent it to you
because I missed you,

- I wanted to see more of you.
-

That's all that is? It's not
because you feel trapped

in your own home and you
guys are fighting too much

or whatever it is?

No. We get along great.

(grumbles)

Oh, but this makes me
feel so much better.

Now that I know that you're watching me.

(grumbles)

My mom feels the same way.

And she also says that she loves me

- and misses me.
- Well, shoot,

all right, well, why
don't we bring it on in

- for a hug, huh?
- Okay!

This was all just one
big misunderstanding.

Get off me, dude. Get off.
What are you doing? Get off.

(farts)

(laughter)

DENNIS:
Old Lady House

I got to say it: that's the
best episode yet. That is!

- It's a classic!
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I love the button at the ending.

- Yeah?
- Oh, that was the biggest joke

- in the show. The biggest moment.
- It was, it was. - DEE: Was it?

- I mean it, really.
- Oh, well, guys, look, I told you...

- I know my physical comedy.
- Yeah.

- Right?
- Okay, yeah.

- Oh! - Oh! -
What are you doing?

- What's wrong?
- Hey.

Show's been canceled, guys.

- What?!
- Wha...

I got a four-episode sex arc.

Nah, nah. You know,
now-now that everybody knows

they're being filmed, it's
more like a reality TV show,

and I just can't enjoy it when
the people who are being filmed

- know they're being filmed.
- Yeah, but what about

our show, man? What about
making my mom famous?

- It's just not funny anymore.
- Oh, oh,

oh, oh... I know how to
make it funny. (grunts)

- (farts)
- Oh!

- What?
- Oh, I...

I just shit my pants.

- Oh, God!
- Oh! - Oh, God.

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

- Oh, Dee.
- That's not funny.

I just meant to fart. I didn't...

- I didn't...
- Oh, my God! Without the laugh track

- that's, like, really horrible.
- Yeah, you're just

a grown woman who shit her pants.

- (audience laughs)
-

Now it's funny again.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0