Original subtitles

DENNIS: Okay, gather round, everybody, gather round.

Gather round, please.

I have a, uh, a presentation.

Now, because of everyone's A.D.D., I know I'm gonna

lose your attention in about three minutes,

and, uh, Frank's gonna fall asleep. FRANK: No way.

I slept 26 hours last night.

You still seem very sleepy. Can I start my presentation?

Where's the easel? No, no, I'm not using an easel-- don't interrupt.

You want me to go get the projector? No, I don't want the projector.

And I don't want the easel. What are you gonna point with?

Don't want whatever the hell you're gonna say.

'Cause it's all gonna be old and outdated, all right?

Let me start my presentation, which is actually about that.

It's about innovation.

Not taking questions. Goddamn.

Let me do my thing, okay? Stop interrupting.

Okay, so, um, as we all know, um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,

traditionally our most profitable day.

However, recently, profits have been declining.

Every year. And we need to change.

We need innovation.

We need to move Paddy's from the past and into...

the future, a mobile Paddy wagon.

Now, these days, people like to have things on demand.

So instead of having to go to a bar,

we will bring the bar to you.

Ooh, is that, like, a car service type of thing?

Where we pick people up and take 'em around from bar to bar

and jack up the prices?

That's actually a really good idea. Uh, no.

The Paddy's wagon is the bar.

MAC: No, Dennis.

If we want to make money,

we need to honor ancient Irish traditions,

like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people

who are genetically predisposed to having alcohol problems.

CHARLIE: Right. MAC: You see,

St. Patrick started that tradition,

and that's why we celebrate him today.

Yeah... No, that's not what he did.

No, he-he played the flute for some kids,

and then he lured them into a cave somewhere,

and he diddled them. FRANK: Nah.

You got him mixed up with the Pied Piper. Right.

FRANK: St. Patrick didn't play the flute.

He drove the kids out of Ireland.

And then he molested 'em.

No, no, if-if St. Patrick molested kids,

he would be regarded as a scoundrel. No, no, no.

I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church,

pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

All right, all right, look, g-guys, uh,

St. Patrick didn't do any of that shit, okay?

He drove the snakes out of Ireland.

Uh, I-I don't know about all this.

I kind of want to just do the traditional thing

of, like, sticking around the bar

and-and trying to catch the leprechaun. No, no!

No, we don't want to do a leprechaun thing again.

Stop, stop, guys... I'm gonna catch one.

I'm, like, this close. You're not gonna catch him

because he doesn't exist. Guys, please...

You know what... I don't even know

if I've set up my glue traps for him yet.

Charlie, enough with the leprechaun!

I mean, can you believe him? Okay, wait.

Who cares? Look, I'm trying to... You know what,

actually-- I might want to get myself a flute.

I was thinking the same thing. We've been talking... you were?

Yeah, because I-I feel like it's a really fun...

DEE: I know we're kind of old, but... Go get a flute?

Go get a flute, yeah. Go get... go get a flute!

Everybody go get a flute!

DEE: ...in the sixth grade, I feel like it's kind of simple.

(sighs heavily) Frank, look...

All right, let me explain it to you, at least.

(snoring) No, he's gone.

Okay.

So, Frank, here's the plan.

We're gonna fill the wagon with hip, attractive clientele.

We're gonna use my streamlined system to process drink orders.

We're gonna take photographs with a retro filter

for the Web site.

And that will entice future end users

to comment and spread brand awareness

over various social media platforms.

That seems insanely complicated.

Why don't we just take cash?

No, no, no, no. What I'm talking about's way simpler than cash.

It's-it's streamlined.

I'm lost. It's... I'm trying to explain it to you

and I feel like you're not even listening. I-I...

(Irish accent): Top o' the morning, you filthy lads.

I'm fixing to have a whale of a time in this here mobile pub.

I'm so sorry-- what is this?

Crazy Paddy, you big, dumb arse.

(laughs) Yeah. Why?

'Cause it's fun. No.

I thought that's the thing about St. Patrick's Day--

people want clownery and-and they want to embrace

the Irish stereotypes. No, no, no. This isn't innovative.

It's outdated and it's gonna offend people.

Well, I brought my piece in case anybody gets out of line. Oh, I...

Okay, Frank, Frank, look-- no guns.

Let go. No guns, no costumes.

Trust me, I got this.

Frank, you're gonna drive. Drive.

Okay, Dee, you're gonna serve drinks. In the back.

As a human being. A real one.

Mm. Guys,

I'm gonna provide...

the experience.

(Irish jig plays) BOTH: Ooh.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, right?

Yeah, I like this. Nice.

I... See, I told you. I know what I'm doing.

Come on, let's go.

Frank, you're driving.

Okay. Here we go. (engine starts)

Ho! Check it out, Mac-- got some cool stuff.

I got some green paint and I found a snake.

Great. Why?

You know, the snakes, 'cause, like, we... I don't remember

where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes

were involved. And the green paint's for the, uh, beer.

Okay, love the snake. Great catch there.

But why not just use food coloring for the beer?

Uh, 'cause beer's not a food.

When was the last time you ate a beer?

When was the last time you drank paint?

Have you been drinking paint?

No.

Let me see your tongue.

Oh, my God, dude!

Oh, that shit's just disgusting! It's not bad.

You... you can't drink paint. I know. I hear you, I hear you.

You say that, but I don't think that you're gonna stop.

Yeah, I get it, though, man. It's, uh... Right.

I-I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.

It's cool. It's not cool.

It is what it is. Oh, my God,

this is so frustrating! Look,

I'm gonna go down to the basement

and I'm gonna check out my glue traps

and see if I, you know, got a leprechaun in there. Wait, no, no, no, no.

What... We said no leprechaun this year.

You're not chasing leprechauns.

I know, and I kind of forgot where we landed on that.

I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so...

But I-I hear you, I hear you.

It's a frustrating thing. It's like the guy doesn't

listen to us, man, when we're trying to get through to him.

It's a bummer.

No, not you. Keep moving, let's go,

come on. You kidding me?

Oh, oh, h-hey-hey, there, fellas.

What's going on? Where you going? You know what?

Don't answer that. Because I already know.

You're going for a ride in the Paddy's Wagon.

Oh, cool. Is this, like, a car service thing?

Hey, can you take us to Center City?

No, it's not a goddamn car service. Why does everyone...

(Irish accent): You get in that wagon right now or I'm gonna

sock you a good one right in the kisser!

(forced laugh) Yeah, you dumb bi...

What the hell are you doing? Uh, just innovating.

I took the Paddy's wig and I cut it

into an awesome beard. Great new character. No.

Hilarious. You've just created another

offensive Irish stereotype, Dee.

The Fighting Irish-- I-it's true.

I mean, that's what Irish people do. That is not what...

They get drunk, they fight people.

All right, I'm trying to give these guys... Look, guys,

don't pay attention to her.

I-I want to give you an authentic, um, uh,

once-in-a-lifetime experience here.

Oh. Oh, wait, so is this, like, a bang bus?

No, no, no, no, no. It's not a bang bus, okay?

Look... Just get in the wagon,

I'll give you a ride to Center City.

Get in.

DENNIS: Gentlemen,

let me walk you through how our simple business works.

God, take it easy, Frank!

Don't tell me how to drive, you bitch.

Let... Let's keep it light for the customers, all right, Frank?

As I was saying, fellas, uh, what you're gonna

need to do is you, uh, you're gonna

take a picture of this QR code,

you're gonna download the app,

log in using Facebook, and you're gonna watch

a-a brief, 30-second advertisement.

And then once we receive your online order,

you will promptly be served a beer.

Can't I just pay you cash? That's what I... Yeah.

Well, no, cash is the way

that antiquated companies do business.

Yeah, I just want a beer. I don't really

want you to have all my personal information.

A beer. Just want a beer.

Don't want you to have my...

(Dee and Dennis laugh) Yeah.

Look, man, um, if I just gave you a beer,

and you just gave me cash,

then you wouldn't be able to experience

everything that we've got to offer here, okay?

Look, I'll show you. This... Let me just pull up my...

I got a little presentation here that I put together.

But, uh, can't get the goddamn thing to... to go online.

I don't have a signal here. Goddamn it. You know what?

Dee, uh, why don't you just give him a couple free beers?

We'll-we'll call 'em "freemiums."

Don't know if you're familiar with that term.

This is like all foam. Dee, you goddamn bitch!

Hey! Oh, this thing's bouncing around

like a pinball. Don't blame me.

FRANK: Keep it light, you bitch!

All right. Yeah, this is weird to me.

Can we just get out here?

Hey, it's locked. Can you guys let us out?

No, I'm not gonna let you out. Screw this. I'm calling the cops.

Why would you call the cops? We're just hanging out, man!

All right, stop, stop, stop.

All right, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Push "end." End.

(phone chimes) Give the phones to the girl.

Let's go, guys. I don't want to have to do this shit.

Frank, we got to pivot the business.

FRANK: Mm-hmm.

Come on, get the hell out. Everybody out.

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out.

All right. (clears throat)

Don't worry. We're gonna mail your phones back to you, but

we're gonna need your addresses, so fork over your I.D.'s.

Let's go. Come on. And their money.

We can't have 'em cabbing it back to the city

and going straight to the cops.

(scoffs) Goddamn it. That's a good point.

Okay, you know what? Dee, collect their wallets.

Don't worry, guys. We're not thieves.

You'll get your wallets back, too.

Yeah. Don't be babies. All right, uh,

come on, come on, guys, let's go, let's go.

Let's go. Shut the doors.

Did we just kidnap and rob those guys?

We just drove the snakes out of Philly,

the way St. Patrick did.

Oh!

So, what you're saying is,

technically, we gave those guys

a very authentic St. Patty's Day experience.

Oh. Yeah.

Nice. In a way.

Oh. All right.

That's good. That's good. Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.

Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?

Hey, Mac, somebody stole my damn wallet. What?!

Beat it! Beat it, Mauricio! I need to talk to Mac.

Charlie, where have you been, dude?

I can't run the bar by myself and do security.

People are getting their wallets stolen.

Okay, uh, look, just come

to the basement with me, like, really quick.

Goddamn it! All right.

Attention, everybody.

Irish honor system.

Please serve yourselves.

Put the money in the bucket. Thank you. (cheering)

Uh, I don't think the Irish honor system's a thing, man.

Oh, it's a thing.

It's an ancient Irish tradition.

Know your history, bro.

What could possibly be so important?

Charlie...

what the hell am I looking at?

(groaning and muttering)

CHARLIE: I caught him.

Wake up that son of a bitch.

Dude, I think you've kidnapped a little person.

Huh?

Nah... nah, nah. First of all,

I've captured a leprechaun, okay?

You wouldn't say, "I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?

You'd say, "I captured Bigfoot."

Well, that may be true, but leprechauns aren't real.

So what we're dealing with here

is a little person in a glue trap.

Yeah, I thought about that, ruled it out, okay?

'Cause the basement door is locked, so unless

he's a being who's unrestrained by the laws

of the physical world, he's not getting down here, man.

Dude, if he is a human being,

he's going to sue the shit out of us.

If he's a leprechaun, he's got a pot of gold.

Yeah...

Well, yeah, that's... No, no.

Well, let's not rule one out over the other.

I mean, it's very weird

that he's down here, right?

MAC: Okay. Let's ask him.

Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask you a direct question.

Are you now or have you ever been a leprechaun?

No, I'm not a goddamn leprechaun!

Please... It was pretty convincing.

Are you kidding me?

If he's a leprechaun, that's what he has to say, right?

Sir, why are you dressed like a leprechaun?

'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day, you idiots!

This guy's good. He's good. (clicks tongue) Yeah.

Nasty little son of a bitch, isn't he? You think?

There's, like, a real bite to him.

I know. You know what I think we should do?

We just rough him up a little bit.

You know, just get the truth out of him, just a little bit.

It's a great idea.

We don't want to bruise him up. Yeah.

You know, so, I just wish we had, like, a hose or something.

Yeah. You know, we could blast the truth out of him.

Right? That'd be good...

Oh, shit. There's a hose right here.

I... I don't ever remember a hose being down here, do you?

No. I don't know. Dude...

do you realize what just happened?

You made a wish, which the leprechaun clearly granted.

You know, everyone knows, you capture a leprechaun,

you get three wishes, right?

So we got to think very carefully what our next two are here.

I wish I could live forever? What are you doing?!

I wish you don't. How about that? No, no! Why did you do that?

Why did you do that? Why didn't you say,

"I wish I could live forever."?

And live forever with you?! Well...

Look, I'm not a leprechaun!

Just let me out of here, you dickheads!

Ah. Wish there was a way

we could just know for sure, you know.

Charlie?

Get the snake.

DENNIS: The problem was, Frank...

that last group of belligerent hooligans just didn't understand

how to experience our business properly,

but I think this new group is gonna get it.

Plus, they're physically weaker,

in case anything goes wrong.

What's happening?

(with Irish accent): I'll tell ya what's happenin'.

One day you're young and pretty,

and the next, the years of drinking and abuse

have robbed you of your youth.

Abuse? Did these guys hurt you?

No!

Me husband did this to me.

Arrr!

Dee... Mm?

What the hell are you doing?

What are you...? What, are you a pirate?

I can't tell if you're doing a thing now,

or if this is just who you've become.

(normal voice): I've giving them

an authentic Irish experience,

like you were begging for before...

You're giving them a completely inauthentic,

frightening experience, and you're scaring them.

Okay, listen, ladies, nobody's gonna get hurt.

Will you just let us out, please?

Well, no.

No, I'm not gonna let you out.

I need you to experience everything

I-I have to offer, okay, so you're...

Rahr! So, experience... Dee!

Shut up!

All right, look, we're gonna have a good time here, okay?

You're experiencing some free beers right now

because I can't get the goddamn Internet to work.

That's a problem for me. Do you guys know how to use

tablet computers? You're young. No.

I just want to connect the goddamn thing to the Internet.

They told me it'd be easy. It's not, though.

Okay. Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll let you out after I take a couple photographs of you.

How's that sound? Yeah? Take some photographs

for my... for my Web site? So, look happy.

Look like you're having fun. No need to cover those up.

My customers like those. They're like me.

They're gonna want to see that.

Yeah, okay, so smiling smiling and...

(camera shutter clicking, women crying)

You're not convincing me. Smile!

(sobbing) Oh, damn!

This is not supposed to be scary.

This is supposed to be an authentic, fun time for you.

(camera shutter clicking, women crying) Yeah, all right, well,

I need to buy it, okay?

I'm... Please let us out.

I don't want to be on your weird Web site. Shh.

Well, if you don't comply with me, then you're gonna end up

on the weird one, okay? So, smile.

(crying) Ugh! All right.

You know what? This isn't gonna work.

All right, come on, come on.

Let's go. Come on.

All right, out you go, ladies. Out you go.

I know you didn't threaten to call the cops,

but you would have-- I'm certain of it--

so I'm gonna need your wallets and your phones.

Give 'em to the girl.

Oh, yeah, I'm probably gonna pop on your Twitter accounts,

just so you know. Write us some, uh, enthusiastic reviews,

which you would have done, as well,

had you experienced our business properly,

but you decided to be...

(sighs) All right, well...

(tires screech)

(women sobbing)

Talk, bitch! I'm blasting you! Come on! Talk! Come on, leprechaun!

Come on, leprechaun, admit it! Where's the gold?!

Aw, what's the point, dude? There's no water pressure.

I feel like I'm giving him a baby bath. Yeah, I know.

Snake's not working either, man.

Well, that's because the snake is dead.

Because you put it in a plastic bag and it couldn't breathe.

All right, doesn't matter. He probably killed it

with his leprechaun magic, anyway.

I'm not a leprechaun, you goddamn assholes!

Yeah, yeah, guy. How are we gonna get his pot of gold

if he won't even admit to us that he's a leprechaun?

I mean, if this guy would just admit he was a leprechaun,

we could be done with this whole mess. Well, yeah.

Of course. LEPRECHAUN: Okay, fine, you got me.

I'm a leprechaun. I admit it.

What?

God... I am a... I'm a...

damn... a... I'm a leprechaun.

Yeah, right, but you don't have the accent, That's...

and that's throwing me off, right? It's throwing me off.

(Irish accent): I live in a faraway land,

and I was transported here

by a giant magical rainbow.

And you never got me Lucky Charms.

(laughing): Oh! That's it! That's it!

You were right! Dude! You caught a leprechaun! I told you, man! I knew it!

Hey, can you let me go now?

No, you can't go. You know... No. No.

we need your pot of gold. Where is it? Yeah.

It's at the bottom of the rainbow.

Hmm. Must be some sort of leprechaun riddle,

'cause there's no rainbows out today.

No, dude... I don't think this guy's talking in metaphors.

I think he means exactly what he's saying. Yeah?

Dude, he's talking about that gay bar

down on Locust Street-- the Rainbow.

You know which one I'm talking about, right? No.

Right. I'm gonna go check it out, alone.

Why?

Well, because you'll be here.

And if, uh, the gang comes back,

they'll also be here, and I'll be there, alone.

Right.

But you'll be here.

Great. Great.

All right, you go do that, Okay. Yeah.

and, uh, remember, you're there to look for a pot of gold.

Okay. Alone.

Yeah. You'll be there, alone.

Okay! Got it.

All right, well, that just leaves you and me, and, uh,

we both know there's no pot of gold at that gay bar.

So the question is...

what to do with the little liar.

We haven't made a goddamn penny today.

We actually lost money,

with all the gas we burned going back and forth.

Yeah, well, it's not my fault. The business model's flawless.

If you knew how to drive and you knew how to serve

a goddamn beer, we wouldn't be in this mess.

(sighs) Hmm.

All right. (grunts) Mmm.

Okay, everybody out. Get out. Let's go. Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go. You guys are in the wrong demographic.

Where have you taken us?

Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,

we got so used to our routine of picking people up and dropping

'em off outside of town that we never even tried

to sell you people beer, did we? (laughs) They're too old, anyway.

Who's gonna watch 'em on a Web site? That's true.

Yeah, you guys are a little too old for our, uh... (woman shrieks)

So... Wallets and phones. You know the drill.

I don't know why we don't just do the car service thing.

People seem to be really needing rides all over the town.

No, you know, that idea may work. You think so?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh. B-But before we pivot to that one,

um, Deandra, you mind, uh, jumpin' out

to see about the gas cap? I think I left it off.

Yeah. (tires screeching) Oop.

Oh! Hey!

Oh, goddamn!

Goddamn it...!

(groans)

What you did there, Frank, that's, like... Very funny. Yeah. That bitch

was dragging us down. Yeah.

She was driving me crazy, man. Oh.

Oh... shit. What?

She didn't put the gas cap on.

Oh, is it open for real? Big-time.

Oh, shit. Yeah, let me grab that real quick.

I got it. (grunts)

No, no, no, no, n... Aw, goddamn!

(groans)

(sighs)

I can't believe Uber jacks up their prices just because it's a holiday.

That's unbelie... It's a scam.

We should have been doing that the entire time.

Are you kidding me? That was my whole idea.

Dee, stop trying to take credit for everything. Wait--

what is going on in here? Weren't Mac and Charlie

taking care of the bar? Yeah, they were.

Why is the bar empty? FRANK: It ain't empty.

What are you doing back here, you piece of shit?

It's a long story. The business hit a wall,

went up in smoke, and then went under.

Why are you speaking in metaphors?

It ain't a metaphor. I fell asleep,

crashed into a wall, the engine burst into flames,

and I had to drive it into a river. Right.

(music playing in distance) (muffled shouting)

What the hell is that?

...to keep this smile from my face

Listen, Tony

I'm all over the place

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...

Well, you may be a man.

You may be a leprechaun.

But only one thing's for sure:

You're in the wrong basement.

Goddamn it! No!

I'm gonna see if you bleed green. No! No! No, no, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie, Charlie, what the hell is... Whoa, whoa. Hey!

What are you doing?

(music stops) What does it look like I'm doing?

It looks like you've tied a little person to a chair

and you're gonna torture him.

(chuckles) No, I've tied a leprechaun to a chair,

and, uh, yeah, I was gonna cut him to pieces.

Charlie...

you been drinking straight paint?

Yeah.

MAC: Charlie, he's not a leprechaun!

Do not hurt him! I repeat:

he is not a leprechaun! Oh, hey.

What is this? Why are you covered in glitter?

I would love to answer all of your questions,

but there is no time.

You see, I went to the Rainbow to look for a pot of gold.

The gay bar? Oh.

Again, no questions.

And when I got back,

I found this bag... full of wallets,

hidden where we keep the towels.

Why did you need towels?

Not answering questions, okay?

Because apparently this son of a bitch is a pickpocket.

That's why he's been lurking around Paddy's.

Oh! Well, that makes a lot of sense, 'cause he kept saying,

like, "I'm a pickpocket. I'm a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.

I'm not a leprechaun." And I just thought that was, like,

a metaphor for, you know, "I-I am a leprechaun."

This little son of a bitch has been picking pockets

at our bar every St. Paddy's Day

for years. FRANK: Well, we got a whole bag

full of wallets and phones, too.

You did? That's good. Because the bar did not do so great. Yeah.

Turns out the Irish honor system, that's not a thing.

Yeah, we were gonna actually return the wallets

that we got, but, uh, Yeah.

since no one seems to be...

being honorable, uh, maybe we keep our wallets

and those and, you know, Yeah.

chalk it up as a win. Yeah. Oh, the luck of the Irish.

(chuckling) Let's not make it a tradition, though.

Sure. Yeah, probably better not to.

All right, well, what do we do with this piece of shit?

(tires screech)

(distorted laughter)

Oh, shit, that leprechaun just flew up a rainbow!

Stop drinking paint, Charlie. Huh.

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