Original subtitles

DENNIS: What do you mean, you have a boyfriend?

DEE: I mean, I have a boyfriend.

Is it that hard to believe? I got a boyfriend.

His name's Ryan. FRANK: How the hell did you

get a boyfriend? I met him on Bunchers.

Right, right, so you went on a group date with a bunch of

ugly chicks to make yourself look good, and you tricked a

guy. Yes, of course, that's

exactly what I did, and it worked well, and-and now we're

going steady. CHARLIE: That's a good trick.

Bunchers-- sounds like the '70s.

Bunch of people would get together.

The next thing you know, it was all asses and hands and tits

and... I could slip right in and out

without anybody noticing. It was great.

I can definitely brush up on my game.

I don't know if you guys noticed this, but, like, I'm kind of

having a hard time closing the deal with the waitress.

Is he...? Yeah, we've noticed.

So, maybe I can go on, like, some group dates with you, and

you can show me some skills, and I can figure out the final move

that I need to, you know... Oh, and let's do 'em at Paddy's.

We could make a bunch of money. It's a good idea.

MAC: That's a great idea. We can make a bunch of money.

I'll tell you what. As an erotic man, I have been

keeping my eye on this buncher situation, and I got to say--

I'm into it. So, I'll tell you what.

I will take you two under my wing, and show you the DENNIS

system in action. Oh.

Sounds great, and myself-- I'm all tied down, so I can't

participate, but, uh, I think it'd be great to jump in on this

trend. All right, here's to orgies.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

My darling, I...

Can't get enough

Of your love, babe

Girl, I don't know...

Man, I'm really nervous.

I'm, like, sweating through my pants.

Yeah. Do you want some cheese?

Have you brought cheese?

Yeah, you need some?

Yeah. Give me some.

Okay.

Right?

Ah... Focus up, guys. Come on. The girls are gonna be here

soon, geez. Right, right.

Why do you have a dog leash? Oh.

Good question. Yeah. It's for the first "D" in the

DENNIS system. See, the girls will see the

leash, and I'll say, "I've got a rescue dog outside," thereby,

"D," demonstrating my value as a compassionate man.

Later, when we go outside, the dog will be missing.

I'll become hysterical and suggest that, maybe, the dog ran

back to the apartment. Then we will go back to the

apartment. The dog won't be there, either,

and the girl will console me. With sex.

(laughing) Oh!

What happened to the dog? He let it go.

It probably got obliterated by a taxi or something.

Ah, I bet that's what happened.

Shit, poor thing. No, no, no, no, no.

There never was a dog. Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. There was no dog?

Wait, I am now totally lost here.

It's a made-up scenario to... Just follow my lead.

I thought we got a dog. Mac, Charlie and Dennis?

Yes! Hi. How are you?

Good evening! Hi, baby... Oh... what the hell? All right.

Oh, I am gonna make a shitload of cash tonight.

Which is good, because I just dropped a whole bunch of money

on a new promise ring for my man.

Oh, you're proposing? Good. Smart.

Corral him, because God knows he'll never ask you.

No, I'm not proposing, I'm promising my fidelity in our new

relationship. I deactivated my Bunchers

account and I changed my Facebook status to "In a

Relationship." Why would you do that?

I told you, 'cause we're going steady.

He's my main squeeze. You sound like a 12-year-old.

It's a total turn-off. My cock ring is sliding off.

Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis

is beyond my grasp. You gotta be ready for when

the orgy breaks out. (ring clatters on floor)

Oh, shit. It fell off.

Ugh... Help me find it.

Hot and fresh out the kitchen, mama rollin' that

body...

What, this guy?

Oh, well, he... his name's Henry.

He's a dog. He's a dog.

Y... uh, yeah. Uh, named him after my

grandfather, um, who I'm very, very close to.

No, Henry's a great little guy. I tell you, when I snuggle up

next to him on the couch, I'd swear that... that he's the one

who rescued me. Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh... The waitress got bit by a

chow once, and I kicked the shit out of the thing.

You kicked a dog? Yeah.

Well, uh, you know, for the waitress.

Who's the waitress? Nobody, nobody.

Oh, I'm sorry. No... Nobody?

She's the woman I'm in love with, you know?

And I follow her around a lot, and she doesn't really give me

the time of day, and... that's cool, though, 'cause I'm

not gonna give up on her, you know?

You don't give up on something that beautiful.

Right. She's not beautiful.

And everybody's banged her. Except for me.

She was like, "I want to do hand stuff with you," and I was like,

"Ugh, you're gross." Keep this up, man.

Keep this up, see what happens. Yeah, what are you gonna do?

I will strike you down. (laughs): Okay.

I will strike you down! You're gonna strike me down?!

Hang on. See? That's a... (Charlie laughing) That's our thing.

They're doing a bit. Sorry, that was just a joke.

Do you guys want to do something a little fun?

Oh, yeah. I do, I do.

Let's mix up the seating arrangement.

We'll mix up the seating arrangement.

Yeah. Kim, I'm detecting a little bit of a vibe from you,

so why don't you come sit where he's sitting.

I'll move! If you sit where she's sitting... And I'll stay here.

No, you're gonna... you're gonna switch places with Becki.

Right? Because while I don't particularly find you

conventionally attractive, I do find you oddly sexy.

Excuse me? That was a compliment.

Um, sorry, that came out weird. Excuse me.

You guys work here, right? Yeah, uh...

Can I get a drink? Y... go ask one of the other

ones. What other ones?

The other ones, the bird lady, the-the troll man.

Ask them for a drink. We're on a date.

Are you touching my leg? Ah, he is engaging you

physically. Don't label it.

Oh, you know what? You were supposed to want that,

because he was supposed to tell the dog story to demonstrate

his value, and I botched it. He has a system for women.

Well, don't talk about the system.

The system happens without them knowing.

There-there is no system. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there is no dog. The system is not a thing.

The dog is a thing. Uh, guys, let's, um... let's

talk about something fun, that's fun for me.

Well, don't move away from me. What are you doing?

You're moving closer to the men who eat trash and bang

transsexuals? Move close to me!

Ryan?

(gasps) Hi! How are you?

Dee! Oh, hey, what's up?

Are you surprising me at work, you stinker?

I love that! You're so cute.

Guess what? I got you a little surprise, too. Yeah.

I didn't know you worked here. It's so strange.

Um, yeah, I'm actually on a Buncher.

Wait, what? Yeah, they should be here any minute. (clears throat)

It was good seeing you. Oh.

What do you got here? What's in the box?

No, that... that's just a... It's a cock ring.

It's a cock ring, just from all my lovers.

Oh. It's kind of small, huh?

Well, it's my dad's. So... Huh. Weird.

I'm breaking up with you. Right. Well, I didn't know

that we were together. Look, can I get a beer?

(clears throat)

We killed it, boys. We killed it.

This was a great idea. Yeah, but the date sucked.

No, I think the date went pretty well for me.

It did suck for you guys, though.

Yeah, I imagine those girls are probably at their apartments

right now, trying to figure out how to get in touch with me.

Unbelievable. Goddamn son of a bitch.

Buy you a promise ring, you're out flitting around, dating

other people. I shouldn't have given this guy

a five-star rating. He didn't deserve it and then he

used it against me! What's this now?

You're rating people? Yeah, it's that site. Raters.

Girls can rate guys they go on dates with.

They rate them? Like... what do you mean, like a

star rating or something? Yeah, it's a star rating.

I'm gonna take that guy's five-star rating, I'm gonna give

him a zero. Hey, wait a second.

Hang on a second. Are-are we rated on there?

Yep. Ah!

We are? What?

Holy shit. Let me see.

Oh! Wait. One star? Out of five?

Yep, yep. No, no, no.

Oh, shit! Me and Charlie got two stars!

Oh! Nice! We're better than you, dude!

No, that's bullshit. No, no, no, the only reason I

was rated one star is 'cause I was brought down by you two

morons, all right? I... I was a five-star man

before the Internet, and I'm damn sure a five-star man now,

okay? I just gotta drop the dead

weight so I can shine. Goddamn it... Goddamn it. (laughing)

He's out, I'm in, let's swing.

(indistinct conversations) Ah, this poor jerk has no

idea he's about to get played like a goddamn guitar.

Only one guy? Yeah.

I'm doing Sparkers now. Isn't that what you're doing?

I thought you got rid of Mac and Charlie.

Yeah, no, I did, but, uh, I still wanted three girls, you

know? I-I like having the options.

Yeah. I'll just make some shit up

about where the other guys are. Can I get a drink, please?

No, not now. Ask-ask one of the other ones.

Yeah. The dirty one or the gay one.

Frank, why do we have to be in here?

We should be out there, gettin' our swings in, dude.

Because we're not ready. We need a game plan.

We can't risk losing our two-star rating.

That's a good point. Right.

Don't want to lose any stars. Okay.

A good date is all about conversation.

If we could master some pleasant banter and then punctuate it

with a joke, we'd be in good shape.

That sounds easy enough. Yeah, all right, we can do

that. Okay, all right.

What are some of the things we could talk about?

Ah. Creatine shits. Creatine shits?

Yeah. Oh, creatine is a workout supplement.

It shows that I care about my body.

What's shitting it out got to do with anything?

Oh, well, that demonstrates an inside knowledge of the

product. It shows that I'm not just

mentioning it, I actually use it.

No. I think we should avoid talking

about muscles and men's bodies and shits.

I mean, it sends the wrong message.

We should also avoid talking about the waitress, Charlie.

Why? It's, like, a super romantic

thing to talk about. It's a love story for the ages.

Yeah, I-I think you should actually bring it up.

Also, who's going to say grace? We should figure that out now.

Right, Frank... Wait, wait, wait, okay.

Listen, maybe we should concentrate on stuff not to talk

about. (indistinct conversations)

So, what, you're like a chiropractor or some shit?

A spinal surgeon, actually. Cool. Yeah, cool.

Oh, what, this? Henry.

Henry the dog. He's lost. Probably dead.

Look, let's cut to the chase. I like you.

I like you very much. This is gonna happen.

Cheers.

Whoa! That's strong.

Mmm. I'm not much of a drinker.

No? I'll get two more.

(indistinct conversations) Hey. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. So, um... where are the other guys? Oh, yeah, it's... fair

enough. Yeah, no, the other guys got

tied up. They couldn't make it, but, uh,

fortunately, I possess all of their good qualities.

(laughing): All right. Hey, you know what, ladies?

These-these things can be a little bit awkward, right?

What do you say we do some shots?

Oh, please. Yes, please.

Yeah, let's do it. Oh! What is that?

What are you doing? Are you, are you rating me?

No. No, I'm just checking my phone.

Oh. That's cool.

Cool. If you were to rate me, what would you put? I don't know. I...

Oh... Well, you can't not know, right?

I mean, that-that'd be, that's stupid.

It's simple, it's one out of five.

If it were a one out of five thing, and it is, what would you

give me? The obvious five-star rating, or

would you be a liar? Can we... stop talking about

ratings? (Dennis giggles)

Yeah. Of course we can.

That's stupid, why would we even... yeah.

Oh, I have a rescue dog outside. Okay.

That was jarring. There's no context for that.

Sorry, sorry. I'm just... sorry, my rhythm's a

little bit, is a little bit off. I'm thrown because... I-I kind

of want to just... can we just get the rating thing out of the

way, you know? I feel like it's a thing now,

and... What's going on here, dude?

Were there really other guys? Of course there were other

guys. I don't like the way you asked me that. Switch with her.

Oh, my God, you know what? I think we're gonna go.

Okay, fine. Well, then, I don't want you to

rate me. That's not what I want anymore.

I was never going to rate you in the first place.

But now I definitely am. Oh. How many stars?

Oh, my God! God.

Looks like the spider caught herself a fly.

Uh... we can't talk about snakes or smells?

What else is there? Uh, can you put "Jews" in the

"yes" column? What?

I feel like we gotta get it out in the open.

Would you leave the Jews out of it?

No, because they have their "J" sites 'cause they don't want

to be with us as much as we don't want to be with them.

I don't support any of that. No, no, that-that... that...

I'm sorry, I'm just concerned that the person I'm gonna be

dating killed the savior of the world.

That's all. That's all! Put "religion" in the "no."

Let's switch gears and go to the joke.

Yeah. Oh, oh! I got a great one

about a dago fisherman. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Ethnic jokes are really dicey. You can't do that.

You gotta keep it light. Like, uh, a cowboy and a teacher

walk into a bar. Yeah, but that doesn't make

sense, 'cause cowboys hate teachers.

You know, cowboys are independent thinkers who like to

learn for themselves. All right, all right, look.

I think we're gettin' bogged down here.

Why don't we just go out and do a dry run with some broads and

see how we do on our feet? Okay, but what about our

stars? I mean... If things go wrong, I'll blow

this whistle and call the date before they have a chance to get

to know us. Mm.

Let's just keep it simple. Let's just start with our names.

Hi, ladies. I'm Frack.

Shit. (whistle blows)

Now I'm a half a star? Half a star?

How does a five-star man get... Is it... you know what?

It's these group dates. That's what's doing it, man,

there's just too many variables, you know?

The girls feel too safe. I gotta get 'em in a one-on-one

scenario. Thanks.

Sorry, I've got to get to work at the hospital.

The hospital. Do you? Yeah.

Yeah. I've never had a one-night stand before. Hmm, hmm.

I... hope this isn't that. Oh, no!

I'm gonna call you. Okay.

Call you one star, bitch. Ha! (laughs)

Pass me that computer. What are you doing?

One star? That guy was awesome.

Hmm. Is he a doctor?

Yeah, he was a doctor and super hot.

This feels good. Okay, you know what?

You're a heartless pig. That's what's happening.

You lead a man on, you have sex with him and you just throw him

in the trash? You've been doing that to

women for years. Yes, but I don't rate them

online for everyone to see. Don't all your sex tapes have

star ratings? Yeah, but that's different,

Dee, okay? That's not... that doesn't go on

the Internet. That's just for me.

And Mac. And Charlie... Okay. You know what? It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter, it's my turn. This is my time, it's Dee's

time. I even have my own system.

The DEE system. Do them. Establish low rating.

Increase power. "Increase" is spelled with an

"I." Okay, well, then, uh... Infuriate them when they find out...

Another "I." Empower. It doesn't... the

word doesn't matter. It's-it's the system... ah, I

don't care about you. All right, you know what?

This is, this is the problem, Dee.

You can't even spell, much less come up with a decent system,

and now your slapdash opinions are gonna be thrown across the

Internet for everyone to see. You know, these-these ratings,

they follow a man around. They're gonna ruin this man's

reputation. Well, sucks to be him.

No, I don't want no scrub...

(indistinct conversations)

Hangin' out the Passenger side...

But the thing about a rating is you don't know the quality of

the person who's giving the rating, right?

I mean, like, for instance, some dum-dum goes into a Morton's

Steakhouse. She orders a steak well-done and

then complains when the damn thing comes out and it's too

dry. Well, it's like, "Hey,

dum-dum, you ordered the damn thing well-done.

That's why it's dry, you stupid idiot."

Not bad, a little stiff. Got tripped up on the

conversation portion, but we're improving.

Mm-hmm. Oh, hey. How'd your date go?

Uh, not great. She ditched me.

Yeah, this-this rating thing. It's just, it's messing with my

head, it's throwing my game off. I think I need to target some

more undesirable women. You know? Pick up some easy

stars. I think that'll get me out of this funk.

Yeah. We made it past introductions... Oh, yeah? Yeah, and...

(Dee laughing nearby) Wow, check out Dee, man.

She's killing it! Yes! She's got it down!

Forget her! Let's get back on the horse.

All right. Come on.

So, you guys own this bar? Officially yes.

Unofficially we're so much more. I like to think of us as

mercenaries, a strike force actually.

Frank's management, I'm security, Charlie bashes rats.

I don't really bash them so much as I start to drown them

these days so I don't have to listen to their screams.

He's a five-star dog 'cause I wouldn't rescue a four-star or a

three-star dog, certainly not a half-star dog.

Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

(Dee groans) Oh, I like cats, too.

I actually have 80 of them that live in my alleyway.

Too many cats, sounds strange.

I have eight cats that sleep in my sink.

Still too many. I don't have any cats, but I

sure do enjoy them. I mean, half a star?!

It doesn't change the five-star man, who he is.

I'm a five-star man! I'm a five-star man!

Bung, bung, bung, bung Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung Mr. Sandman?

Yes?

I'm a five-star man!

Give him a pair of eyes With a come hither gleam...

One... one...

one... one... one...

one.

Please, please

Please, Mr. Sandman...?

One... one...

one... I'm a five-star man!

Hello, Dennis. Hi. Hi.

Thank you so much for coming. Uh, please, sit.

So, what do you want? Frankly, I've-I've hit a bit

of a rough patch, and it's made me realize that I have not been

the best to women. You included.

I've manipulated, I've judged. I've ignored your feelings for

pursuits of the flesh. But now I know what it feels

like to be completely unwanted like you.

And... it doesn't feel good. Oh, that's... really big of

you to say. This is for you.

God, are you proposing? No. No, no.

No. I'm not proposing. I would never, uh...

(laughs) No, this is, um, it's a promise ring. Oh.

So, from now on, Waitress... I promise to be nice and true.

I have a name. Do you want the ring or not?

I do, yes. Thank you. Wow!

Thank you. And in return, of course, I

would ask that you promise something to me.

To be your girlfriend. No!

No. Stop, okay?

Do-Don't do that. I just need you to give me a

good rating on an Internet Web site.

Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. I can... Yeah? Yeah.

That would mean so much to me. It really would.

Okay. I, um... I don't have online, though.

What does that me...? You "don't have online"?

No. What the hell does that...?

Just... you can just go on your phone and do it on your phone.

My phone is, it's so old! Oh, my God!

That phone is preposterous! How long have you had that?

Nine... 90... 90...?!

How do you get on the Internet? I don't.

I mean, I don't do, like, the e-mails...

"The e-mails"? It's e-mail. It's just e-mail.

Who doesn't have the Internet in this day and age?

What am I doing? Why am I lowering myself

to this? I don't need your approval.

Goddamn. I don't need anyone's approval.

This is stupid. What are you doing, huh?

You rating me right now? Well, guess what.

Go ahead, rate me! 'Cause I'll rate you, huh?!

Go ahead, rate me! I don't give a shit!

Rate me... I'll rate you! Zero, zero, zero rate!

Okay, sir... Rate, rate!

Sir, you need to leave, okay? Rate, rate!

You need to leave, okay? Zero, zero!

I will rate every single woman in this restaurant!

So, he had the mule... But he forgot the water.

Then the guy looks up and he says, "Wait a second.

Where am I... in Ohio?!" (laughter)

You guys are so funny. Oh, thanks, thanks.

Yeah, yeah. Can-can you give us a second?

Holy shit! What the...? We've never got

this far! These girls are ready to bang. All right, well, what do we

say? What do we do? We-we're gonna have to go

off script. No, no, Frank, blow the

whistle! Call it, call it... We got to bail...

What are you kidding me?! Are you crazy?!

We've come too far to call it! Uh, my stomach's killing me.

Should we talk about that? No, no...

I got the shits, I do have the shits...

No, no, no! Not good! Try another joke, quick!

Another joke? I got it.

Okay. Ladies, got another one for

you. There's this dago fisherman... Oh, shit! What? No...

No, no, Charlie... Charlie, we got it, we got...

Oh, shit! There goes my cock ring!

His cock ring fell! Yeah, I got the power, girls.

Yeah, you think you can rate me? Bullshit! Rate-- zero!

Zero! Zero rating! Zero rating! Ha-ha!

Yeah, I got the power! How does it feel, ladies?

I don't give a shit. Yeah! Get the hell out of here!

You know what? I want every single lady in here out of here!

Where-where-where are all, are all the ladies?

Oh, uh, you know, the crowd's kind of been thinning out.

I think it's because we haven't really been tending bar.

Well, there's still a bunch of dudes here.

Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes here 'cause I'm crushing

it. They're all here to get Deed-- the most empowered

woman in Philly. They all do seem to be into her. Hey, Dee.

You again? Listen. I'm not gonna change your

rating, okay? Just be grateful for the time

that we had together and beat it.

Actually I was hoping to hang out again.

Yeah? I bet you do. It's 'cause I gave you one

star-- I played you. I don't need stars.

I was just hoping to get laid again.

What? Hey, Dee, any chance I could get Deed again? No, you're upset.

Aren't you upset? You're upset about the zero

rating I gave you. No. You could rate me lower

if you like. Hey, are you the whore who

bangs everybody? No, I'm not the whore...

I-I'm the empowered woman who gives poor ratings to men.

Sure. Can I get a rating? No! Why would you want that

from me? What's going on? Get out of here!

All three of you! Get out of here!

Okay, yeah, guys, go ahead. Go, go, go, go. Go.

I understand. Okay, I think I know what's happening here. Guys?

We've lost sight of what's truly important.

You can't derive your self-worth from the opinions of others.

No! No, you get your self-worth from when you convince yourself

that your tough and that you're straight.

I am tough. Sure, yes, absolutely.

Or-or that you have got a shot with a woman who we've all

banged, but who hates you. Right. You're saying that I'm

getting closer. Nice. I got a shot.

Yeah, you're getting close, buddy. You'll get there.

Or you-- that your penis could ever possibly remain erect for

more than a couple of seconds, even with a cock ring on.

Hmm. Or that you are a powerful woman... instead of a dirty, dirty

whore... who bangs toad people. Yeah, guys, guys, guys.

Your true power comes not from outside sources, but from the

delusional stories that you all convince yourselves of.

And no one, no one can take that away from you.

Wow. And what about you?

Me? What about me? I'm good, man.

I-I've been doing great. Yeah, this whole thing's been

great for me. Well, that's good because

you're down to zero stars. Oh, is he?

Yeah, down to zero. I don't give a shit about

that, you know what I mean? The star rating thing is not...

(stammers) Can I see that for a second?

Yeah. Let me see that, yeah.

(groans) Yeah, you know... Goddamn it!

Goddamn it! You son of a bitch!

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0