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MAC: So what if I didn't go
to college?
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00:00:02,892 --> 00:00:05,012
John McClane didn't go to
college.
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He defeats the bad guys using
street smarts, and I got street
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00:00:07,149 --> 00:00:09,216
smarts.
DENNIS: Mac, you do realize
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00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:12,386
John McClane's a fictional
character who's voicing lines
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00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:14,655
written by screenwriters who
almost certainly went to
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00:00:14,657 --> 00:00:16,657
college.
DEE: Yeah, but Bruce Willis
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dropped out of college, and that
supports Mac's argument.
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00:00:18,661 --> 00:00:20,494
Yeah!
Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.
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00:00:20,496 --> 00:00:22,596
And the fact that you can't
understand that leads me to
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00:00:22,598 --> 00:00:24,731
believe that you are complete
and total dum-dum, and therefore
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00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:28,168
are not going to get selected
for this intelligence
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00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:30,270
experiment.
Welcome, everybody, and thank
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00:00:30,272 --> 00:00:34,107
you for volunteering in this
intelligence experiment.
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00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:38,045
I'm afraid, however, that we can
only use one test subject.
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00:00:38,047 --> 00:00:41,181
I-I'm sorry, before you
continue, um, I noticed you said
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00:00:41,183 --> 00:00:43,884
"volunteering," which implies a
lack of compensation.
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Volunteering's for suckers.
Yes, the selected subject
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will receive $1,000 in
compensation.
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DEE: There you go.
That's what we're talking!
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00:00:50,693 --> 00:00:52,693
That's more like it.
Okay, and listen, when it comes
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00:00:52,695 --> 00:00:54,795
to intelligence, I think
you'll find that I am your man.
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00:00:54,797 --> 00:00:58,031
Or perhaps a man is not what
you're looking for at all.
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00:00:58,033 --> 00:01:00,967
I'm afraid my friend Dennis
confuses book learning with
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00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:02,969
brainpower.
But you and me, we know
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00:01:02,971 --> 00:01:04,971
different, huh?
Uh, "you and I."
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What? No, not you and I.
Him and I, idiot.
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In case I was being unclear,
nerds, I will bang one or both
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of you.
Dee, this man is smart enough
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to know to avoid a proposition
like that from someone like you.
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00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:17,551
To be clear, we're not
looking for a subject with
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superior intelligence.
In fact, the complete opposite
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would be, um, uh, preferable.
Excuse me for a minute.
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00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,792
I'm sorry, wait, wait!
That's a... sorry.
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What are you doing?
CHARLIE: I was gonna bash
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00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:30,063
your rat and take care of your
rat problem.
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00:01:30,065 --> 00:01:32,733
Oh, no, no, no, no, please,
please, this is, this is our lab
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00:01:32,735 --> 00:01:35,635
rat.
His name's Armitage Shanks.
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If he solves the maze, he gets
the cheese.
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00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:41,675
And since we've been feeding
Armitage a cerebral enhancement
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formula, he's been solving these
mazes seven times faster.
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We'd like to try a formula out
on a human subject.
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What would you think about
something like that?
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A pill that could make you seven
times smarter.
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Cheese, huh?
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Yeah, all right.
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00:02:02,765 --> 00:02:03,597
(buzzer sounds)
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Ow! Shit!
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00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,433
What's your name, young man?
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It's Charlie.
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00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:08,201
Hold up, dude, I want to get
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00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:08,835
this cheese here.
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(buzzer sounds)
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Aah! Shit!
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Why don't you try the cheese
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under the green light, Charlie?
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I want this cheese.
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(buzzer sounds)
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00:02:18,814 --> 00:02:20,447
Aah!
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00:02:20,449 --> 00:02:23,216
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
found our test subject.
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Thank you all very much for
coming.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com.
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00:02:50,448 --> 00:02:51,794
Aw, Frank, you're intruding
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upon my education.
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This is crazy, Charlie.
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That's crazy.
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Aw, shut up.
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Whoa, what the hell is this?
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What are you doing, man?
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00:02:59,672 --> 00:03:00,672
Well, I'm trying to learn
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Mandarin and listen to Beethoven
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at the same time.
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00:03:02,942 --> 00:03:03,941
You see, I just realized that I
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00:03:03,943 --> 00:03:05,176
have two ears, so it's a waste
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00:03:05,178 --> 00:03:06,844
to only listen to one thing.
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00:03:06,846 --> 00:03:07,845
Let me guess this straight.
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00:03:07,847 --> 00:03:08,846
You just realized that you have
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00:03:08,848 --> 00:03:09,847
two ears?
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00:03:09,849 --> 00:03:11,849
Taking a pill is not gonna
make you smarter, Charlie.
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00:03:11,851 --> 00:03:13,684
I don't know about that, Frank.
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00:03:13,686 --> 00:03:15,953
I've listened to five books on
tape already this morning, five.
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Charlie, come on, any idiot
can listen to books on tape.
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00:03:18,058 --> 00:03:20,058
You're only doing that because
you can't read, all right?
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00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:22,060
Trust me, if you're feeling any
smarter, it's just a classic
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00:03:22,062 --> 00:03:24,062
case...
BOTH:... of the placebo
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00:03:24,064 --> 00:03:25,897
effect.
I considered that, but I
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00:03:25,899 --> 00:03:29,000
don't think that's it, Dennis.
Whatever, you don't even know
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00:03:29,002 --> 00:03:31,002
what the word placebo...
Placebo means from the Latin
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"placebo," meaning "I shall
please."
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00:03:32,839 --> 00:03:34,872
I listened to a chapter on that
this morning.
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00:03:34,874 --> 00:03:36,874
This is...
Such bullshit?
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00:03:36,876 --> 00:03:39,710
I wasn't gonna say...
Gonna say that?
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00:03:39,712 --> 00:03:42,413
Dude, just because you're
finishing our sentences, doesn't
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make you s-s-s...
BOTH: Intelligent.
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00:03:44,551 --> 00:03:46,884
Oh!
(Charlie laughs)
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00:03:46,886 --> 00:03:49,353
Guys, guys, we've got a huge
problem back there.
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00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,355
Ugh, big rat, like the
biggest ever in the back office.
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00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:53,391
Uh, that sounds like Charlie
work, so, Charlie, why don't you
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00:03:53,393 --> 00:03:55,393
hop on that, and be smart about
it.
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00:03:55,395 --> 00:03:58,362
Good pleasantry, cute.
How about no?
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00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,398
What do you mean "no"?
How about you kill the rat?
102
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,667
You know what, that might occupy
you guys for about a week or so,
103
00:04:02,669 --> 00:04:05,036
and that'll give me some time to
continue my education in peace.
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00:04:05,038 --> 00:04:07,338
That be nice. Let's do that.
What are you talking about?
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00:04:07,340 --> 00:04:09,874
A week? To kill a rat?
Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat
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00:04:09,876 --> 00:04:11,876
are we talking about?
You have to be a real moron
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00:04:11,878 --> 00:04:13,878
to get outsmarted by a rat,
dude.
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00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,048
Well, bonjours, killing the
the rat, my friends.
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00:04:17,050 --> 00:04:23,688
You're...
Oh, and then I realized,
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00:04:23,690 --> 00:04:26,557
Tang See, that these so-called
friends of mine have been
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00:04:26,559 --> 00:04:30,228
exploiting my labor for years.
An astute observation.
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00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:33,431
Conforms with Marxist theories
about the exploitation of the
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00:04:33,433 --> 00:04:36,734
proletariat.
It completely conforms when
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00:04:36,736 --> 00:04:40,738
you think about it.
Ah, Tang See, these-these
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00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:42,807
pills are having quite
an effect on me.
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00:04:42,809 --> 00:04:45,109
And the combination with my
readings is really leading me
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00:04:45,111 --> 00:04:48,412
into some rather large ideas.
I think I could be on the verge
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00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:50,915
of something groundbreaking.
Yes.
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00:04:50,917 --> 00:04:53,584
The work you're proposing will
revolutionize the field.
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00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:56,154
Exactly, right?
Now, Tang See, let's-let's talk
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00:04:56,156 --> 00:04:58,789
for a second.
What do you think my IQ is now?
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00:04:58,791 --> 00:05:00,825
And be honest.
Well, what do you think it
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00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:03,995
is?
175?
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00:05:03,997 --> 00:05:06,264
Wow.
You know. Probably, yeah.
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00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:08,666
Now, I'm thinking if I were to
double the dosage, I could break
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200 easily.
You have to be careful,
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00:05:11,804 --> 00:05:14,605
Charlie.
This is uncharted waters here.
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00:05:14,607 --> 00:05:17,308
Have you been having any side
effects?
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00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:20,444
Yes. Okay, yes.
There's-there's been a-a slight
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00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:23,247
ringing in my ears.
My-my legs grow numb from time
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to time.
I ache all over if I'm being
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honest, but...
(door opens)
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I got Mongolian barbecue and
Police Academy: Mission to
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00:05:29,656 --> 00:05:32,623
Moscow.Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank,
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00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:35,026
I got to stop you.Uh, tonight is really not the
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00:05:35,028 --> 00:05:37,028
best night for that, so I'msorry, man.
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00:05:37,030 --> 00:05:40,298
But, Charlie, it's GruesomeTwosome Tuesday.
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00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:43,167
Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal,but...
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00:05:43,169 --> 00:05:45,369
What?I'm-I'm on the verge of
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something really groundbreakinghere and I-I really shouldn't be
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playing these childish gamesanymore, nor should you.
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We're the Gruesome Twosome.You don't have to keep
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00:05:51,611 --> 00:05:53,444
saying that, I know...(Frank grunting)
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The sound effects won'thelp you.
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The Gruesome Twosome.(Frank grunting)
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They don't further yourargument in any way.
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(Frank grunting)(speaking Mandarin)
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00:06:02,355 --> 00:06:04,689
You speak Mandarin?Well, I do think I'm getting
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00:06:04,691 --> 00:06:08,292
it a little bit.(both speaking Mandarin)
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00:06:08,294 --> 00:06:15,600
(both laughing)(both speaking Mandarin)
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(rat squeaking)Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located
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him-- he's right near the hole.Oh, good, let me bash him!
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00:06:27,146 --> 00:06:29,380
No, no, no... (shushes)Oh, goddamn it.
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00:06:29,382 --> 00:06:31,382
He scurried away.All right, well, when he
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comes back, I'm gonna smash himup good.
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00:06:33,386 --> 00:06:35,653
No, no, Mac, come on.We're smarter than that.
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00:06:35,655 --> 00:06:37,922
That's just gonna spread ratblood and disease all over the
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place.It's not about brute force.
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00:06:40,226 --> 00:06:43,995
It's about seduction.See, I'm gonna place some
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00:06:43,997 --> 00:06:46,163
enticing tunes for the littleguy.
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00:06:46,165 --> 00:06:49,467
And then I'm gonna bait thisglue trap with some Brie cheese.
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00:06:49,469 --> 00:06:58,709
And I want you here With me
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00:06:58,711 --> 00:07:03,914
From tonight untilThe end of time
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00:07:03,916 --> 00:07:08,986
You should know...
Hey, you guys catch that rat
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00:07:08,988 --> 00:07:11,322
yet?Any minute now, Dee.
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00:07:11,324 --> 00:07:14,425
I'm telling you, glue trapsare barbaric and messy.
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00:07:14,427 --> 00:07:17,962
I have come up with theintelligent solution.
168
00:07:17,964 --> 00:07:20,598
Ultrasonic rodent repellant.It emits a high-pitched sound
169
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,667
that obliterates their teeny rateardrums.
170
00:07:22,669 --> 00:07:24,669
Stupid rats.Uh, those things don't work,
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00:07:24,671 --> 00:07:26,737
Dee.Oh, no?
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00:07:26,739 --> 00:07:28,839
Okay, how about we do a littlewager.
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The rat gets trapped to yourglue trap and you win.
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The rat scurries away and nevercomes back again, then I am
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crowned the smartest in the...Oh, God, gross.
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00:07:37,684 --> 00:07:40,851
Is that cheese?Get it off me!
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00:07:40,853 --> 00:07:43,621
Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuckto your glue!
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00:07:43,623 --> 00:07:46,290
You guys!You've trapped yourself on a
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00:07:46,292 --> 00:07:48,326
trap that was designed for arodent with a brain the size of
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00:07:48,328 --> 00:07:50,328
a walnut.Now a normal-size woman would
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00:07:50,330 --> 00:07:52,330
probably just be able to slideher hand right out, but with
182
00:07:52,332 --> 00:07:54,332
those giant man hands...Yeah, you really don't stand
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00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:56,167
a chance, Dee.Okay, I get it.
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00:07:56,169 --> 00:07:58,169
(rat squeaking)Do you hear that?
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I hear it-- oh, God, it'scoming!
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00:08:00,173 --> 00:08:02,506
It's coming to eat its cheese.You guys, help!
187
00:08:02,508 --> 00:08:04,508
Odd that it hasn't beenrepelled by your supersonic rat
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00:08:04,510 --> 00:08:06,510
scarer, Dee.Guys! It's on me!
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00:08:06,512 --> 00:08:08,512
It's on my hand!Oh, it's climbing up my hand to
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00:08:08,514 --> 00:08:10,514
eat the cheese.Now, where this gets
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00:08:10,516 --> 00:08:13,150
interesting is when the ratfinishes the cheese.
192
00:08:13,152 --> 00:08:16,387
Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibbleher hand down to a tiny, bloody
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00:08:16,389 --> 00:08:18,389
stump, then she could justslide it right out.
194
00:08:18,391 --> 00:08:21,158
Hey.Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.
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00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,627
It ate its cheese and then ranaway.
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00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:26,163
It didn't get stuck to the glue.Huh, maybe this rat is a
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00:08:26,165 --> 00:08:27,898
little bit smarter than we gaveit credit for, Mac.
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00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:29,834
Hmm.
199
00:08:34,236 --> 00:08:36,927
He is whatever, I mean, is he
okay? Sure.
200
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,267
Is he fine?
He's fine.
201
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:42,537
All I'm saying is that Stephen
Hawking is much more of a Lady
202
00:08:42,539 --> 00:08:45,807
Gaga than, you know,
Johann Sebastian Bach.
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00:08:45,809 --> 00:08:47,875
He-he's not, he's a pop culture
figure like the Kardashians, you
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00:08:47,877 --> 00:08:49,711
know?
Hmm.
205
00:08:49,713 --> 00:08:51,379
(high-pitched ringing)
God.
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00:08:51,381 --> 00:08:53,381
Are you all right?
Yes, that's the shooting
207
00:08:53,383 --> 00:08:55,550
pain in the eye.
Jot that down, please.
208
00:08:55,552 --> 00:08:58,686
(speaking Mandarin)
Huh?
209
00:08:58,688 --> 00:09:00,688
Yes, I heard-heard the words.
I'm learning Mandarin.
210
00:09:00,690 --> 00:09:02,690
It means "You got that right."
Yes, Frank, I got what right,
211
00:09:02,692 --> 00:09:04,692
though?
The thing about the cripple.
212
00:09:04,694 --> 00:09:06,361
What cripple?
Why are you speaking?
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00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:08,196
Stephen Hawking.
Dear God, we were talking
214
00:09:08,198 --> 00:09:10,198
about that like ten minutes ago.
But I didn't know what I was
215
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,200
gonna say.
I had to look it up.
216
00:09:12,202 --> 00:09:14,202
You never know what you're
gonna say, and that's the
217
00:09:14,204 --> 00:09:16,371
problem, isn't it?
(speaking Mandarin)
218
00:09:16,373 --> 00:09:18,239
Say that again?
(Charlie speaking Mandarin)
219
00:09:18,241 --> 00:09:20,842
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, you're going too
220
00:09:20,844 --> 00:09:22,343
fast, I can't...
Go slower.
221
00:09:22,345 --> 00:09:24,345
Frank, I cannot go slower
for you!
222
00:09:24,347 --> 00:09:26,347
Checkmate, Tang See, wake up.
Open your eyes, listen.
223
00:09:26,349 --> 00:09:28,349
I cannot go slower.
Frank, I am thinking on the
224
00:09:28,351 --> 00:09:30,918
physical level, the metaphysical
level, the pataphysical level.
225
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,721
Every time you open your mouth,
you drag me down into the mud,
226
00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:37,225
and-and really, my-my...
(high-pitched ringing)
227
00:09:37,227 --> 00:09:40,328
(groaning)
What?
228
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,397
You got a pain?
Charlie, I'm telling you.
229
00:09:42,399 --> 00:09:44,399
Those pills are no good for you.
They're hurting you, those
230
00:09:44,401 --> 00:09:46,434
pills.
They're turning you into someone
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00:09:46,436 --> 00:09:49,237
you're not.
(Tang See speaking Mandarin)
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00:09:49,239 --> 00:09:52,040
Shut up!
(laughing): Okay, okay.
233
00:09:52,042 --> 00:09:55,910
Don't get cute, Tang See, you're
not much smarter than he is.
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00:09:55,912 --> 00:10:00,348
Checkmate.
Well, you know, it-it,
235
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:05,286
uh... hmm...
Try jerking it again.
236
00:10:05,288 --> 00:10:07,388
Jerked it, I mean, I've
jerked it so many times.
237
00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,390
I've jerked and squirmed and
squiggled.
238
00:10:09,392 --> 00:10:11,392
This is crazy.
I mean, we should be able to
239
00:10:11,394 --> 00:10:13,394
figure this out.
Ooh, oh!
240
00:10:13,396 --> 00:10:15,530
What about gasoline?
Pour a little bit of gasoline on
241
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:17,598
there, dissolve some of the
glue.
242
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,034
You are a brilliant man, yes!
Try it.
243
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,437
Yeah, gasoline is a solvent.
That's basic chemistry.
244
00:10:22,439 --> 00:10:25,039
Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some.
Oh. Yeah.
245
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,041
Yeah, all right. Ohweot
to be careful though because
246
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,143
gasoline is volatile and highly
combustible so let's use extreme
247
00:10:29,145 --> 00:10:31,379
caution.
Of course, only an idiot
248
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,448
would just use gasoline
willy-nilly.
249
00:10:33,450 --> 00:10:35,283
It's gonna work.
Okay.
250
00:10:35,285 --> 00:10:37,418
And in the interest of
safety, I'm gonna go ahead and
251
00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:39,420
just make sure that this is, in
fact, gasoline because Charlie
252
00:10:39,422 --> 00:10:41,255
likes to keep booze
in here sometimes.
253
00:10:41,257 --> 00:10:43,257
That's true, he does do that.
Mm-hmm.
254
00:10:43,259 --> 00:10:45,259
(sniffs)
Yeah!
255
00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:47,261
Yeah, yeah, that's definitely...
(whoops)
256
00:10:47,263 --> 00:10:49,263
Let me double check because,
you know, you're sense of smell
257
00:10:49,265 --> 00:10:51,099
has always been pretty stupid.
You want to...?
258
00:10:51,101 --> 00:10:53,101
Yeah, yeah, let me just check
it out.
259
00:10:53,103 --> 00:10:55,103
(sniffs)
Oh, oh, Christ, that's good
260
00:10:55,105 --> 00:10:57,138
stuff... that's high-test.
Can I get a toot down here?
261
00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:59,140
Yeah, yeah, go for it,
go for it.
262
00:10:59,142 --> 00:11:01,843
(sniffs)
Ooh, guys, yes.
263
00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:04,011
Are you sure it's gasoline
though?
264
00:11:04,013 --> 00:11:06,447
I should just try it again.
(Dee whoops)
265
00:11:06,449 --> 00:11:08,816
Jesus, Jesus!
That's gasoline.
266
00:11:08,818 --> 00:11:11,652
All right, let's blast off.
Engage thrusters, Captain.
267
00:11:11,654 --> 00:11:13,654
Oh, all right, well, ground
control, I'll take some.
268
00:11:13,656 --> 00:11:15,656
Holy shit.
As long as we're blasting.
269
00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:17,492
You know what?
Let's pop off on this shit a
270
00:11:17,494 --> 00:11:19,327
little bit, then let's get back
to business.
271
00:11:19,329 --> 00:11:21,329
Yeah, okay.
This is making me feel...
272
00:11:21,331 --> 00:11:23,598
Oh, shit, there he goes.
(rat squeaking)
273
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,766
Oh, he's a squirrely little
bastard, isn't he?
274
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,869
You son of a bitch.
He's making I and you look
275
00:11:27,871 --> 00:11:30,004
dumb.
Yeah... uh...
276
00:11:30,006 --> 00:11:33,474
"I and you." No, me and you, me,
you, me, I.
277
00:11:33,476 --> 00:11:36,010
It was you and I?
You and I...
278
00:11:36,012 --> 00:11:38,779
Me and you look dumb.
(laughs) Dumb.
279
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:40,781
It's got to be...
Dumb is a funny word.
280
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,783
...me and..mb. Du is a funny
word.
281
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:44,452
Dumb.
Dumb.
282
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,287
Pass the gas.
Dumb.
283
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,122
Pass it, pass it.
Pass the gas.
284
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:50,057
(all laughing)
285
00:11:50,059 --> 00:11:55,663
(Charlie speaks quietly)
(scoffs)
286
00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:58,699
(laughs)
Oh, yeah, you're reading now?
287
00:11:58,701 --> 00:12:02,003
Since when do you read?
Oh, hello, hello.
288
00:12:02,005 --> 00:12:04,805
Uh, well, I was just glancing
at War andPeace, and let me
289
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:08,910
tell you, I side with
Shakespeare on brevity.
290
00:12:08,912 --> 00:12:11,879
"Brevity is the soul of wit."
Which, uh...
291
00:12:11,881 --> 00:12:13,881
Do I have to put on training
wheels for this conversation or
292
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:16,250
is, uh... What is this?
What are you doing?
293
00:12:16,252 --> 00:12:18,519
I'm having dinner with you.
I see, you've lifted the
294
00:12:18,521 --> 00:12:20,521
restraining order?
Oh, no, no, no.
295
00:12:20,523 --> 00:12:23,057
I'm not lifting the restraining
order, but Frank paid me $500 to
296
00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:25,326
be here, and so I'm having
dinner with you.
297
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:28,829
Ah, I see.
Do you? 'Cause I don't.
298
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,831
I didn't ask questions though.
Well, it's all rather
299
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:33,401
transparent really, isn't it?
Frank and I have always been
300
00:12:33,403 --> 00:12:38,072
very close as you know, uh, but
I've turned a corner, if you
301
00:12:38,074 --> 00:12:41,175
will, with my life recently.
I have new, more substantial
302
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:44,345
interests, new friends, better
suited for those interests, so
303
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:48,082
understandably Frank is feeling
somewhat marginalized.
304
00:12:48,084 --> 00:12:52,086
Now, he's gone out of his way to
enlist your aid, uh, in hopes
305
00:12:52,088 --> 00:12:55,590
that my deep infatuation with
you will, uh, perhaps pull me
306
00:12:55,592 --> 00:12:58,259
away from those people and those
pursuits that have, in turn,
307
00:12:58,261 --> 00:13:01,762
been pulling me away from Frank
as of late.
308
00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:03,931
What now?
Frank's using you to get to
309
00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:05,933
me.
How are you? Never mind.
310
00:13:05,935 --> 00:13:08,536
Moving on. Beaujolais?
Why don't you have a little bit,
311
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,372
loosen up.
That'll get rid of that
312
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:14,976
uninviting edge.
So, uh, tell me about yourself.
313
00:13:14,978 --> 00:13:19,113
Are you quite well these days?
Well, uh, actually, I'm,
314
00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:21,916
like, okay because my boss,
like, at the restaurant, he,
315
00:13:21,918 --> 00:13:24,885
like, totally doesn't get me.
I mean, he thinks that being a
316
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,822
waitress is, like, what I am,
and I'm like, "That doesn't
317
00:13:27,824 --> 00:13:30,725
define me, dude, okay?
Like, I'm saving up to open
318
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,327
my own nail salon."
(distantly): And I have come up
319
00:13:33,329 --> 00:13:35,663
with all of these great names
for a nail salon.
320
00:13:35,665 --> 00:13:38,099
Um, some of them are, like, The
Hand Whisperer or Finger
321
00:13:38,101 --> 00:13:41,335
Fantasy.
And I've been watching Tabatha
322
00:13:41,337 --> 00:13:44,171
Takes Over a lot because it's a
show that takes place in salons.
323
00:13:44,173 --> 00:13:46,474
Finger Fantasy.
Finger Fantasy.
324
00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:48,609
I've been watching this show
called Tabatha Takes Over...
325
00:13:48,611 --> 00:13:50,645
Tabatha Takes Over,Tabatha Takes Over.
326
00:13:50,647 --> 00:13:53,748
And I have been watching TabathaTakes Over a lot, because it's
327
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:58,686
a show that takes place in...
(jaunty music plays)
328
00:13:58,688 --> 00:14:00,688
(yowls)
329
00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:04,925
Yeah, see?
The mouse always wins.
330
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,295
There's... there's, like, no
winning with mices.
331
00:14:07,297 --> 00:14:09,130
Cat keeps getting hurt.
He gets hurt.
332
00:14:09,132 --> 00:14:11,966
Well, it's dangerous, yeah.
What the hell are you guys
333
00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:14,001
doing?
We're trying to watch cat and
334
00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:16,170
mouse cartoons to find out how
kitty cats deal with their rat
335
00:14:16,172 --> 00:14:18,973
issues.
If Charlie was still around,
336
00:14:18,975 --> 00:14:22,643
none of this would be happening.
He's distracted with that damn
337
00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:26,213
literature and science crap.
(TV switches off)
338
00:14:26,215 --> 00:14:30,685
Charlie is our foundation.
Where does a foundation belong?
339
00:14:30,687 --> 00:14:32,353
Yes.
On top.
340
00:14:32,355 --> 00:14:34,021
On the bottom.
Oh.
341
00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:35,856
On the bottom.
We gotta go grab Charlie and
342
00:14:35,858 --> 00:14:37,858
drag him back down into the
sewer where he belongs.
343
00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:39,994
Oh...
Well, well...
344
00:14:39,996 --> 00:14:42,730
I can't, see... I've been
outsmart by a rat and right
345
00:14:42,732 --> 00:14:45,466
now I'm stuck on its glue trap.
Did you try the gasoline,
346
00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:47,201
loosening it?
All over it.
347
00:14:47,203 --> 00:14:49,004
That didn't work, but you know
what does work?
348
00:14:49,005 --> 00:14:50,838
Breathing it in.
(laughs)
349
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,573
Deandra, are you holding onto
the trap?
350
00:14:52,575 --> 00:14:56,477
No.
Oh, I don't... I don't know.
351
00:14:56,479 --> 00:15:01,849
Let go of the trap.
(trap clatters to floor)
352
00:15:01,851 --> 00:15:05,753
(laughing)
No...
353
00:15:05,755 --> 00:15:08,389
No.
That's so stupid.
354
00:15:08,391 --> 00:15:10,057
All right, come on.
We gotta go get Charlie.
355
00:15:10,059 --> 00:15:11,992
Uh, no, no.
We'll do it.
356
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:15,830
Let's do it tomorrow.
We'll nap first.
357
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:19,266
Could you turn the TV back on?
Tomorrow's good.
358
00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:25,250
Ladies and gentlemen, you're
359
00:15:25,370 --> 00:15:29,310
about to see the results of a
bold experiment in human
360
00:15:29,430 --> 00:15:32,264
intelligence.
He's totally different.
361
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:35,134
Totally different person.
We'll bring our test subject
362
00:15:35,136 --> 00:15:38,404
out now, and I think you'll find
him a rather incredible
363
00:15:38,406 --> 00:15:41,740
specimen.
Tang See.
364
00:15:41,742 --> 00:15:51,817
Ah...
What is happening?
365
00:15:51,819 --> 00:15:54,086
(British accent): Thank you,
Tang See, my-my dear,
366
00:15:54,088 --> 00:15:56,822
dear friend.
(clears throat)
367
00:15:56,824 --> 00:16:02,928
A simple pill...
ingested by a man who received a
368
00:16:02,930 --> 00:16:07,633
simple idea, a simple thought
so clear and sharp that it cut
369
00:16:07,635 --> 00:16:12,137
through his mind like a soft
cheese and led him to an
370
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,174
invention.
Is he doing an accent?
371
00:16:15,176 --> 00:16:17,943
Yeah.
Every now and then, there are
372
00:16:17,945 --> 00:16:22,181
new modalities, new ways of
being and understanding our
373
00:16:22,183 --> 00:16:26,685
world.
This invention-- my invention--
374
00:16:26,687 --> 00:16:33,859
will change everything.
For the better, one hopes.
375
00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:38,497
But the good of the scorpion is
not the good of the frog, yes?
376
00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:42,301
(laughing)
(coughing)
377
00:16:42,303 --> 00:16:48,974
You must excuse me.
I've grown quite weary.
378
00:16:48,976 --> 00:16:52,077
Come on.
Finally, my friends, at long
379
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:56,248
last the day has come.
We have the means, the
380
00:16:56,250 --> 00:17:02,588
understanding, the technology...
to allow spiders to talk with
381
00:17:02,590 --> 00:17:06,291
cats!
(audience gasps, exclaims)
382
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:13,265
(cat meows)
Our exploration into the
383
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:17,703
effect of environment upon
intelligence was, alas, a
384
00:17:17,705 --> 00:17:22,374
complete failure.
Self-confidence instilled by a
385
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:26,378
placebo "intelligence pill" and
consistently reinforced by my
386
00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:31,183
assistant Tang See did not, in
fact, make the test subject
387
00:17:31,185 --> 00:17:33,719
smarter.
It did, however, yield
388
00:17:33,721 --> 00:17:37,556
fascinating results.
Uh, the most measurable effect
389
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:41,760
was a sharp uptick in arrogance.
The subject was perfectly
390
00:17:41,762 --> 00:17:45,864
ready to believe he had learned
Mandarin in two days.
391
00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:49,201
Tang See!
(speaking Mandarin gibberish)
392
00:17:49,203 --> 00:17:55,774
Again, this is complete
gibberish.
393
00:17:55,776 --> 00:17:59,578
The subject believed himself to
be a mathematical wizard.
394
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:03,649
...plus nine equals box.
All right?
395
00:18:03,651 --> 00:18:07,786
That's where the cat goes.
And in the space of an hour,
396
00:18:07,788 --> 00:18:11,590
the subject has lost all
interest in a woman with whom he
397
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:15,060
had been in love for years,
because of a perceived
398
00:18:15,062 --> 00:18:19,765
upidity relative to himself.
Perhaps the most interesting
399
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,668
were the series of side effects
that he believed himself to be
400
00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:25,304
having.
Uh, debilitating aches and
401
00:18:25,306 --> 00:18:29,408
pains.
It was all-all in his mind.
402
00:18:29,410 --> 00:18:32,277
Huh.
Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of
403
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:35,747
better, so...
I believe I was having the
404
00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:40,018
"plecebe" effect.
Placebo.
405
00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:42,354
Pla-ce-bo.
(chuckles)
406
00:18:42,356 --> 00:18:44,957
Which is, of course, a...
a funny-sounding word.
407
00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:46,758
That is a funny word.
Pretty funny, yeah.
408
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,827
"Placebo."
"Placebe."
409
00:18:48,829 --> 00:18:51,336
Placido Domingo.
(laughing)
410
00:18:51,456 --> 00:18:53,466
Police Academy.(laughs)
411
00:18:53,586 --> 00:18:56,887
Which is a good movie, Frank.It is a good movie, Charlie.
412
00:18:57,007 --> 00:18:58,377
You want to go back and watch
it?
413
00:18:58,497 --> 00:19:01,306
With all my heart.
Please, can you not interrupt
414
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,508
the lecture?
We're still, uh...
415
00:19:02,569 --> 00:19:04,943
What is the point of this
stupid, dumb-ass experiment
416
00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:07,379
anyway?
Yeah, like, was he smart or
417
00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:08,642
not?
I don't even get it.
418
00:19:08,762 --> 00:19:10,375
Uh, I don't think so.
Was I smart, sir?
419
00:19:10,495 --> 00:19:12,543
No.
Again, um... if you could let us
420
00:19:12,663 --> 00:19:14,653
finish the lecture, and...
You stupid science bitches
421
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:16,640
couldn't even make my friends
more smarter.
422
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,159
(laughs)
Hey, you're right!
423
00:19:18,161 --> 00:19:20,973
Stupid science bitch couldn't
even make I more smarter.
424
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,826
All right, let's get out of
here.
425
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,494
Hey, Charlie!
Police Academy.
426
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,363
Police Academy is an awesome
movie.
427
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,753
Mahoney!
Mahoney's my favorite character.
428
00:19:28,873 --> 00:19:38,007
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
429
00:19:38,057 --> 00:19:42,607
Repair and Synchronization by
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