All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e03 The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award.eng

- Just use 'em, dude.
- I'm not going to

wear gloves while I work!
I'm sorry, it makes no sense.

It absolutely makes
sense-- you're a janitor who

snakes toilets with his bare
hands.

So my hands get a little
dirty from time to time.

I appreciate the concern, but
I'm fine.

It's not for you!
It's for us!

Use gloves!
Use gloves.

Oh, look at this.
Check it out.

The Restaurant and Bar
Association's Best Bar Award is

coming up.
We could get nominated.

Frank, we never get nominated
for awards, okay?

And we don't give a shit because
they're stupid.

Yeah, we don't care about
that kind of stuff, all right?

Look, am I curious as to why we
never get nominated?

Sure, yeah.
Do I care? Not in the slightest.

No, I don't care about it,
you know?

I mean, all right, it is a
little odd we've never been

nominated.
Yes, it's odd.

At some point it becomes a
little aggressive.

So what is it?
We don't deserve it?

We're not cool enough?
Whoa.

Whoa, okay, Frank.
Now, if... if I do something,

you better believe it's cool.
Yeah, if I'm gonna put my

name on something, it's gonna be
award-worthy, you know.

I can't imagine that other
people are doing what we're

doing better.
I mean, it's serving up drinks.

It's just upsetting.
I'm sorry, I'm getting upset.

If-if you want to get a
nomination, you got

to play the game.
Nah, I don't want to play a

game to get an award.
That feels lame.

- It is lame.
- Oh, is that your ass?

Oh, closer to the hole, sir?

You know what's lame?
Being around this long and never

getting an award. Makes you look
like a bunch of assholes. Hmm.

You're really, like, driving
this home, and it's upsetting,

because, like, now I'm getting
the neck thing.

I feel... I feel...
I'm getting upset.

Yeah, your neck's going nuts?
Yeah! You're getting that?

They're making me feel like
an asshole.

They are making us feel
like assholes.

All right, you know what,
we'll play the game,

I'll kiss ass.
Yeah, let's play the game.

I'm okay with it,
because who cares?

All right, fine,
let's play the game.

But I want to be very clear
about something.

This literally means
nothing to me.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

This office sucks.

It smells bad and
it's stuffy in here.

Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar
Association, it's a stuffy organization.

They're not in touch with
the young people like us.

Some old boner gives me attitude,
I'm gonna spit in his face.

He starts giving me
shit, I'll spit at him.

We should all spit.

Look, we're not
spitting, all right?

Just keep your mouth shut
and let me do the talking.

I know what I'm doing.

Sorry, sorry to
keep you waiting.

Frank Reynolds, Paddy's Pub.

These are my associates.

Stand up, show him some respect.
I stand for no one.

Please, it's not necessary.
Have a seat.

You heard the man-- sit down.
Well, now I feel

like standing.
But I don't want to stand

through an entire meeting 'cause
I don't know how long it's gonna

last, so I'll sit down.
It's my choice.

With much dignity and grace,
we've come to talk to you about

the Best Bar Award.
Now, in the past, our group has

not... paid you any attention,
but now we are prepared to

pay... you what you deserve...
in attention, if you get my

drift.
I don't.

Ponder lettuce and shrimp.
Excuse me?

He's inviting you out to
lunch, Bozo-- you gonna go or

not, yes or no?
Actually, it's 3:30 in the

afternoon-- I've already eaten.
This dickhead doesn't want a

second lun... He's being offered
lettuce and shrimp, he doesn't

want to eat lunch.
You eat once a day?

Hey,
everybody, I had food.

All right, you know what, I
am out of here.

I don't need this limpdick
telling me whether my bar's

cool, okay?
No, no, no! No spitting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, how much is it gonna cost
us to get on the ballot?

Ten dollars.
Huh?

The entry fee is ten dollars.
All you have to do is fill out

the-the paperwork.
Why have we never received

this form?
Well, we've-we've actually

s-sent you the form many times
in the past, and as I recall, it

always comes back covered in fecal
matter, urine, and... racial slurs. Oh.

That's a joke.
Hey, you know, that's just,

like, all in good fun, man.
That's just our sense of

humor-- you'll get us.
Shut up!

Let bygones be bygones.
Right, right.

We're here now
to play the game.

Yes. Playing the game.
I assume you take cash.

Oh! So sorry.
That wasn't meant for you, that

was actually meant for you.
Yeah, that was meant for him.

We thought maybe you would
think that was funny.

Yeah, if it exploded in your
face, but I can tell by the look

on your face that you don't
think that's funny.

That's not your style.
That's a shame.

Yeah, that's sort of our
sense of humor.

Guys, he's not gonna get us.
I think we got to get out of

here, right?
All right, guy.

?What'd I say, idiots?

You want to get nominated, you
gotta play the game.

We are playing the game, Frank.

Nah, you're not playing...
We're just not vibing with

that guy, he's a stiff.
We were vibrating, but maybe

at a different frequency than
that guy.

I like that.
Frank is right.

No, Frank is right, though.
We're too fringe.

I mean, yeah, it's given us a
lot of street cred, but I think

we've alienated a lot of people
in this town.

Yeah, you-you want to win
awards, you gotta campaign for

it.
It's an industry award.

It's true.
Like, we know we're cool and our

customers know we're cool, but
the industry doesn't get it yet.

All right, you know what?
Can you guys actually drop me

off back at the bar? I'm gonna go work
on the Best Song. What Best Song?

The Best Song Award.
There is no Best Song Award.

What are you talking about?
Well, that's all the more

reason to do a Best Song, right?
We'll be the only bar who did

it, and that's a good chance
we'll cover all the bases.

I tell you what: let's
drop him off either way. Okay.

That sounds good.
Good idea, Charlie.

Good idea, come on.
What?

I can't believe that this
place won Best Bar.

I mean, who comes to this place?
A shitload of people.

Sudz is a super-popular place.
I can't believe how bright it

is in here.
I don't like it.

Yeah. And what's with all the loud, fake colors?
I mean, where's the subtlety?

All right, let's go grab a
drink.

We'll suss out the competition.
I'm gonna go find a manager,

introduce myself, give him
this swag bag.

What's in that bag?
Ah, it's just this stuff I

had our names printed on.
I got a bottle opener, a

keychain, egg. Why would you give him an egg?
It's like a paperweight.

Trust me, Deandra, people eat
this shit up.

Look, you gotta play the game.
I know how to do it.

Right.
Good luck.

Let's get a drink.
Yep.

Hey, guys.
How you doing?

My name is Greg; I'll be your
bartender tonight.

You ever been to Sudz before?

You wish.
Don't think so, pal.

Okay, well, welcome, then.
For our first-timers, I like to

recommend our blended signature
cocktail, The Blue Hole.

It's served with three straws in
a fishbowl.

It's pretty darn good.
Some people say it's better than

an orgasm.
Not that he's ever had one.

Oh!

Okay, Maxwell, remind me to
find a new best friend.

Aw! Ee-aw!

Ugh. Two margaritas for table six, Greg.
Hey, Amanda, what's wrong?

Let me guess. Your boyfriend canceled on you again.
Conference got extended.

What can I say?
He loves his work.

Well, I think he should spend
a little less time on his work

and a little more time on you. Aw...
Thanks. You're so sweet. Hmm.

What in the hell is happening?

I don't know.
What are they doing?

Okay, sorry about that.
So, one Blue Hole?

Uh, well, let's see.
There's three of us, so, three

drinks. Yeah, well, they're generally
shared, 'cause they're pretty big.

Said three, dick bag.
Get three!

Uh-huh.
I don't care for that guy.

Me neither.
No.

Too soft. I want a little
edge in my bartender.

You know, this is Philadelphia.
What's with the, uh...?

What's with the black friend
that no one is acknowledging?

Is black...?
I feel like it's weird if you

don't talk about that, you know?
It's strange to have one

black friend and not be
constantly talking about it.

Yeah, shine a light on it,
make sure everybody sees and

knows, like, "I have a black
friend," and that's a thing.

'Cause it's weird that a
black person is friends with

white people.
Hmm. I don't... think it is.

It's not that weird, but it's
that... but it's a thing.

It is, it is.
Here you guys go.

Oh.
There we go.

Oh, drink up!

What the hell was that?

That's a Sudz alert.
When we ring that bell,

everybody's got to drink, right?
Yeah.

I don't need a bell telling

me when to drink.
I'll drink when I'm goddamn good

and thirsty.
I'm pretty sure I know when

to take a drink. Screw their stupid bell, you know?
I wish I had drank when

everybody else drank, though,
'cause it seemed like fun.

Well, now I feel left out.
Can we drink now?

Let's drink now.
Together?

'Cause I-I...
Now I'm angry.

Mmm.
Mmm.

What are you doing in my
office?

Oh.

You snuck up on me.
Frank Reynolds, owner of Paddy's

Pub.
I just thought I'd come by and

say hello, pay my respects.
Also, I got you a little goody

bag here.
Some trinkets, knickknacks that

you might enjoy.
There's a broken egg in here.

Oh, shit.
That wasn't the hardboiled one.

Hey, you want me to cook that up
for you?

Ah.
Mmm.

Oh, man.
Ooh! Goddamn.

That went down easy.
I like this.

Yeah. Guys, I'm starting to like this place.
It's growing on me, too.

I-I like the chemistry that the
staff has.

Oh, did you guys see that charged
moment between Greg and Amanda? Yes.

Boy, I tell you.
She's got a boyfriend, but I

think that she and Greg should
end up together. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I'd like to come back next
week to see if they do.

Yeah. Me, too. You know? I mean, she is
cute, she is just super cute, right?

She's so cute.
She's cute. She is very cute.

She's not funny, though, so...
Yeah, but, no, but she

doesn't need to be funny because
she's cute, she's loveable,

everybody likes her, and then,
if she can tell a joke, yeah,

hey, it's just a bonus, you
know?

Let's get out of this dump.
Oh, actually, this place is

not a dump, Frank.
It's pretty great.

Hey, hey, Greg, can you get this
man a Blue Hole?

You got to try this thing.
I got news for you.

Our secret's out, and it stinks.
This manager's been to Paddy's,

and he said it's nothing but a
bunch of people yelling over

each other. Well... So what? That's what we do.
We yell at each other, and if

people want to tune in and
listen, then they're welcome to.

Yeah, but I think that's
off-putting to the customer.

I mean, Greg would never yell at
Amanda.

All right, I'll tell you what
we got to do.

We got to up our game.
We should host an industry

night.
Invite all the people who vote

who's in the industry to come to
our bar, and we'll show 'em what

we're made of.
Yeah, but I'd like to tweak a

little bit of who we are and
what we're made of, right?

Yeah. Soften the edges a little bit.
All right, we'll tweak it a

little bit, we'll show these
bastards who's award-worthy.

Yeah.
Yeah!

Oh-ho! Drink! Drink!

Okay, guys, if we're gonna
show these industry folks

tonight that we're likeable, we
need to have some funny banter

like Greg and Maxwell have.
Yeah. Don't worry.

I'm gonna be zinging one-liners
all night long.

Uh, actually, Dee, you won't
be zinging anything around,

because men are intimidated by
funny women, all right?

So, what we need you to be is
just pretty and benign.

But we are gonna do a will-they-
or-won't-they thing between you

and Mac. Dee and I don't
want to be together. No.

But the customers want you to
be together.

That's fun for them.
Why would it be fun for them

to watch two people not want to
be together?

Well, no. You do want to be
together, okay?

The customers have to think that
you think that you don't want to

be together, but you do, deep
down, want to be together.

The problem is, right now, I'm
getting that you guys don't want

to be together. I need you
to want to be together. Ugh.

Question.
Yes, you're wondering how

we're gonna make Dee attractive
enough to where you'll want to

be with her.
Yes.

Okay, see, what I'm gonna do
is, I'm gonna shellac her with

makeup, and I'm gonna blast her
with light to soften up all

those features.
I am into that, yes.

Yes. Okay, great.
So, guys, I got us banter cards.

Mac, you're gonna welcome the
customer in, and then I'm gonna

execute with a quip.
Let's give it a shot.

"Hey, I'm Mac.
Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

I would like to recommend to
first-timers our signature

blended drink, Caribbean
Paradise.

People say it's better than an
orgasm."

Not that he's ever had one.
I've had orgasms!

I've had tons of orgasms!
I've had one with your mom,

dude! I will strangle you, I'll stick
my goddamn thumb through your eye!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, dude, relax, relax.

Sit down. What are you doing?
Okay.

You came at me, and I gave it
back to you hard, 'cause...

Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.
Look, I'm just doing the thing.

Oh.
See, what you just did--

that's how we normally talk.
That's very aggressive.

I came at you hard.
You came at me real hard, and

people aren't comfortable with
that sort of behavior.

That's why we're trying
something different here, okay?

Guys, memorize these lines,
okay?

We need to seem like it's coming
off the cuff.

Right. Plus, she didn't even
feel a thing.

What?
What?

That's the punch line to Mac
bang-banging our mom.

She didn't, she didn't even
notice.

Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your
timing is so bad.

He just said it.
There's a timing concern.

Look, stop.
Don't do the jokes, okay?

Let's settle into our new roles
here, okay?

Little bit of role-play.
Change of plans.

Change of plans.
We got to go darker with

Industry Night, edgier.
No, Frank, don't derail us.

We're doing bright lights,
bright colors, and funny banter.

That's what wins.
Wrong.

Artemis and I went to a
burlesque bar last night.

Eh, there were women
stripping, but it was classy.

It was dimly lit.
They were serving martinis,

period costumes.
There weren't a lot of people in

there, but this bar has won a
shitload of awards.

Do you guys think that our
location is the problem?

Hmm.
That could be it, yeah.

Well, no, see, there was that
bar that just opened last year

right down the street, and they've
already won a ton of awards. Oh, mm-hmm.

Oh, right.
Is it us?

Ugh.
No way.

Us?
No, no, no, it can't be us.

No way.
I highly doubt it's us.

It's everybody else.
It's their problem, not us.

We don't have the...
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I got it! I got it!
Got what?

The Best Song.
I wrote the Best Song.

It's amazing.
Get with the program.

Yes, Charlie, please.
We're all clamoring to hear.

? Whoa, they say
The world's your oyster

Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me
? You're the belle of the ball

But you ain't my cup of tea
They always vote you

? Best in Show
But this doggie disagrees

'Cause I like life
In Paddy's Pub... ?

Okay. ? There's a place for me It's the
place I go Where the beer is cheap

? And the lights are low
It's Paddy's Pub

I like Paddy's Pub
? Let the record show

The greatest place to go
Is that bar called Paddy's Pub ?

? I like life in Paddy's
Pub... ?

My goodness!
Hey, hey!

Well, well, well.
My goodness.

You guys really like it?
You're not just bullshitting me?

It was pretty great!
I tried to go right down the

middle, you know, of Middle
America, Randy Newman...

Yeah, I didn't catch any rape
references, nothing about

spiders, nothing about ghouls.
Why would there be

rape? You're always talking about rape and spiders.
You guys misinterpret it,

but...
Charlie, that was great.

It was really great.
You really knocked it out of the

park. Let's go down to the basement
and get some lemons for the party.

Oh, yeah, sure, okay.
I'm glad you like the song, man.

Are you locking me in here?!
Yeah.

Well, we just couldn't have him
do that song.

Doesn't make any sense.
No.

It's ridiculous. All right,
let's put on a good show.

All right, people are
starting to arrive.

This is great.
Okay, so when a customer comes

up to you, remember, keep it
light.

Light.
Keep it playful.

Playful.
Right?

Y'all ain't got to worry
about me.

'Cause I'm gonna be chatting
these fools up like a mug.

Cool.
Okay, thanks, Z.

Yeah, I'm a little worried
about him.

We should have gotten a less
intense black guy for diversity,

but we don't have any in our
roster.

But maybe we could find another
one, throw him into the mix?

You know, to counter Z's vibe?
You got to be really careful

about the ratio.
We get too many black guys,

people think it's a black bar.
That will not help us.

Black bars don't win awards.
No.

I don't know why, but they
don't.

Loving these lights, you guys.

I am glowing like an angel
over here.

Oh, my God.
Hi, can I get a drink?

Hey, I'm Mac.
Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

I like to recommend to our first
timers our signature cocktail--

Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's
better than busting a nut. Excuse me?

Busting a nut.
It's like, uh, you know, blowing

your load.
He said it was a funny joke.

Well, no... hold on.
Yeah, it's like coming all

over you.
It's light, it's playful.

Yeah, well, no, I think what
my friend is trying to refer to

is an orgasm, which is light and
playful, but he overstepped

himself and got a little bit
too specific.

Sorry, we jizz in the drink
and that's what makes it light.

No, no, nobody's jizzing on
anything.

Well, where do I jizz?
You don't jizz.

How can, how can I orgasm if
I don't jizz?

No, ma'am, I think what...
Just tell me where I jizz so

I can give this lady her drink.
Ma'am, what would you like to

drink?
And we won't jizz on anything.

Not like Mac's ever had an
orgasm.

Holy shit, you're late.
She was late.

Go back in your light.
We're all set up back there.

Deandra, grab a couple of
bottles of champagne, let's go.

Yup.
N-N-No, I got it, I got it.

Dee, stay in your light.
Come with me, come here.

All right, listen, listen,
listen.

What was that? All right, look, look, look, look.
You two do the charged moment.

Will they or won't they?
Mm-hmm.

What's wrong, Dee?
Oh, nothing.

Let me guess-- boyfriend
troubles?

Hmm. This guy doesn't know what he's got.
He's really ugly, too.

I'm sorry, are you talking to
me?

Yeah.
I said her boyfriend's ugly.

Pay attention, bozo.
Okay, he's not ugly, all

right?
That wouldn't make any sense.

That's-that... He's not ugly.
Dude's a total tool, too.

It's...
You know what he's not?

He's not covered in stupid
tattoos and he doesn't have a

cigarette for a mother...
What?!

Don't talk shit about my mom!
Whoa.

Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop-- what the hell's going on
over here?

That man is choking that woman.

Get over here.
What are, what are you doing?

This isn't will they or won't
they?

This is I know they won't and I
know I don't want them to.

Excuse me, there's a guy

crawling out of your floor.
Oh, uh, that-that's okay.

That's just our janitor.
Uh, don't worry about it,

gentlemen.
What are you doing, dude?

I broke out.
Are you high?

You put, you put me in the
basement with spray cans.

I got high.
Do me a favor, go back in the

basement, okay?
Get higher if you want.

Just go back in.
Don't sit down there.

No, no, no, no, no, don't,
don't... Goddamn it.

What are we gonna do? Oh, well, it looks
like Z brought friends. Yo, yo, yo.

What up?
Oh!

That's too many black guys,
dude-- the ratio's off.

Dennis, the ratio is off!
Okay, you know what?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque,
remember?

Burlesque, yes, yes, yes.
Hey, guys, guy... gentlemen,

gentlemen.
How about something a little bit

more upscale, yeah?
Here, come with me.

I want to show you something.
Yeah, this is classy.

Put it in. Put the bottle in.
Oh, my God. I did.

Put it in.

Get the bottle out, get the
bottle out!

I'm trying!
Don't judge me-- this is art.

Shut the door.
This is not art.

Attention, attention,
everybody.

I got a little ditty about
Paddy's Pub.

? I'm a singer.
Charlie's doing the song.

The song was light.
The song was light.

That'll lighten things up.
Do the song, dude, do the

song.
Please enjoy this song.

? There is a spider, spider
Spider

He's deep in my soul, soul
? He's lived here for years

Years He just won't let go ? He's
laying around He's got a mean bite

Now he's ready
To fight... ?

? And stand up
For what he knows... ?

? I don't need your trophies
Or your gold

I just want to tell you all
Go yourselves... ?

Oh, shit.

? Go yourselves...

? Ooh, wah-ooh...
Is he spitting?

Is he spitting?
Oh, he's spitting at them.

Is that the sign?
That's the sign.

Spit! Spit!
Hey, you!

What is wrong with you people?

Get out!
We don't need you!

Get out of here!
? I really mean to tell you

you,
I don't need you in my bar. ?

Beat it!
There's your damn award.

? Ooh...
Did you hear my song?

I heard it.
I love it.

Great song, Charlie.
Yeah, man.

You know what, that felt good.

That felt real good. I mean, I guess
it is us after all, you know? It's us.

All right, it's us.
Screw them, you know why?

'Cause I like us.
I like us, too, Dee.

Well, because we're awesome. Yeah,
we're good at what we do. Yeah!

We do our own thing and we're
good at it.

I don't need their validation.

That's exactly right.
No, no, I'm happy with us.

Totally. I really wanted an award, though.
I was dying for one.

Ah, it'd be so nice.
Would've meant a lot.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

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