Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:02,084
Oh.
2
00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:03,385
What?
3
00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:05,037
Tim and Lauren broke up.
4
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,388
Oh, no.
5
00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:08,507
Yeah, but they always
had that trust stuff.
6
00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:11,260
So glad we're not like that.
7
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,312
- Yep.
- Yeah.
8
00:00:13,379 --> 00:00:15,564
I'm gonna go take a shower.
9
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:24,857
(water running)
10
00:00:26,242 --> 00:00:29,278
Teddy bears?
11
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:30,796
"I Love Amy" bear?
12
00:00:34,918 --> 00:00:37,469
Happywithmygirlfriend.com?
13
00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:44,426
Of course.
14
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,295
Asian girls.
15
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:47,713
Here we go.
16
00:00:49,366 --> 00:00:50,883
The Chrysanthemum Fund?
17
00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:54,420
Helping victims
of the Southeast Asian cyclone.
18
00:00:56,756 --> 00:00:58,524
Autofill.
19
00:00:58,591 --> 00:00:59,975
"Putting her needs
before mine."
20
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,810
"What would
our babies look like?"
21
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:07,066
"How to make her as happy
as she makes me!"
22
00:01:07,117 --> 00:01:09,902
Google history.
23
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,940
"Girlfriend only gets hotter as
she ages, how does she do it?"
24
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,825
Okay. Okay.
25
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,079
"How to explain to girlfriend
you're extremely wealthy."
26
00:01:20,130 --> 00:01:21,747
Oh my God, I'm rich!
27
00:01:24,134 --> 00:01:25,617
Babe?
28
00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:27,586
Are you almost done in there?
29
00:01:27,637 --> 00:01:29,254
(man) Almost.
30
00:01:29,305 --> 00:01:30,806
I miss you.
31
00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:32,424
(sighs)
32
00:01:32,475 --> 00:01:34,459
I'm the only girl in the world.
33
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,961
I'm the cyclone.
34
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:38,063
I'm the cyclone.
35
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:39,565
Here's your donation!
36
00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:41,733
(grunting)
37
00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,069
(panting)
38
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,655
Coming, babe.
39
00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:49,608
40
00:01:49,633 --> 00:01:55,633
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
41
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,667
Clap if you've ever
seen a Tyler Perry movie.
42
00:01:58,751 --> 00:01:59,701
Clap.
43
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,836
(clapping)
44
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,254
Black people,
don't look at each other.
45
00:02:02,321 --> 00:02:04,706
That's, that's not--
This wasn't for you.
46
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,993
I just wanted to see
the rest of these people lie.
47
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,494
Um...
48
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,264
49
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:13,632
(announcer)
Thanks for watching
50
00:02:13,683 --> 00:02:15,968
the epic finale
of "Cupcake Wars".
51
00:02:16,019 --> 00:02:17,169
What should we watch?
52
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,470
Uh, you wanna do a movie?
53
00:02:18,521 --> 00:02:19,972
What time is it?
54
00:02:20,023 --> 00:02:22,858
11:30?
All right.
55
00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:25,978
If we watch a 90 minute movie,
I'd take an Ambien in an hour--
56
00:02:26,029 --> 00:02:28,063
You wanna take a shower.
57
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,314
No, I'm not.
58
00:02:29,365 --> 00:02:30,566
All right, whatever.
59
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,018
You wanna see
what's on demand?
60
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,854
Yeah, what are the free ones?
61
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,406
(announcer)
See it live with Pay-Per-View
62
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,324
from Time Warner Cable.
63
00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:42,360
Catch Reese Witherspoon in
"Squiggle Dumb Dumb".
64
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,912
Jim Carrey in
"Holocaust Downs."
65
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,714
Oh, my God, can you mute it?
66
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:46,965
- I'm going to kill myself.
- I'm trying.
67
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,921
All right, any of these--
Do you like these?
68
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,706
Mmm.
69
00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,225
Uh, what's "Lake Placid"?
70
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,477
Uh, "An enormous crocodile--"
71
00:02:58,544 --> 00:02:59,728
No, no, no.
72
00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:01,563
Read more descriptions.
73
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:04,049
"Kevin Kline is a single father
renovating a secret barn--"
74
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,400
Mm-mm.
75
00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:06,718
"In 1950s Lebanon--"
76
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,936
No.
77
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,189
Ooh, "Pitch Perfect"!
78
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,556
No.
No, no, no.
79
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:12,774
We're not watching
"Pitch Perfect" again.
80
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,026
You liked it.
81
00:03:14,077 --> 00:03:15,277
No, I dealt with it.
82
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:16,912
Let's go to
the Showtime movies.
83
00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:18,580
Yeah, no.
84
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,400
Oh, we have that documentary
on whale fracking.
85
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,869
It's like,
the worst kind of fracking.
86
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,572
I think they found a worse
fracking since they made that.
87
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:28,205
There's no way.
88
00:03:28,231 --> 00:03:29,933
I dunno, we know
we're gonna watch it.
89
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,410
- Like we're definitely watching it.
- Right, okay.
90
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,078
So, just-- but tonight doesn't
feel like the right night.
91
00:03:34,104 --> 00:03:34,771
All right, I agree.
92
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,181
We'll definitely watch it.
93
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,432
- We'll do something else.
- Yeah, just find something..
94
00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:40,052
What about, uh, "Amore"?
95
00:03:40,103 --> 00:03:42,271
No, I don't feel
like hearing accents.
96
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,056
- I think it's "Amor".
- "Amor".
97
00:03:44,107 --> 00:03:45,757
"Spring Breakers".
98
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,996
- "Paranormal Sexual Assault".
- No.
99
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,282
"The Decapitating".
"The Frightening".
100
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,701
- "The Crispening".
- What?
101
00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:56,952
"The Worsening".
102
00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:59,454
"The Haunting
of David Finklestein".
103
00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:00,939
There's "Evil Dead".
104
00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,291
No.
105
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,126
No, I'm like,
already scared all the time.
106
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:05,794
I really don't want
to add to that.
107
00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,496
Someone told me it's
not actually not that scary.
108
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,131
It's more like just
light raping.
109
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:11,049
What's the description?
110
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,968
"'Evil Dead.'
Captured in the woods,
111
00:04:13,052 --> 00:04:14,303
"an injured girl is restrained
in a basement.
112
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:15,921
"Her father sets her
on fire and shoots her dead.
113
00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:17,172
Which is what she deserves."
114
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,557
No. I just want to relax.
115
00:04:18,624 --> 00:04:19,758
All right.
116
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,463
He made a "Twilight"?
117
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:26,898
Why aren't you using
Page Down?
118
00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:29,601
- I'm using Page Down.
- Oh.
119
00:04:29,652 --> 00:04:32,304
"The Darker the Berry
The Sweeter the Drank"?
120
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:33,488
That's true.
121
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:35,407
You want to start a series?
122
00:04:35,474 --> 00:04:36,942
I never saw "Carniv?le" on HBO.
123
00:04:36,993 --> 00:04:38,143
Ooh, "Cocktail"!
124
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:39,828
What? What?
125
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,079
"Cocktail". The movie.
126
00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,364
I don't think I've seen that.
127
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,616
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
128
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:47,119
Tom Cruise is a struggling
flair bartender.
129
00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:49,254
You never saw "Cocktail"?
130
00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:51,089
Oh my God, it's so good,
it's amazing.
131
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:52,157
No, that's it,
we're watching it.
132
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,792
- Well, no--
- We're watching it.
133
00:04:53,843 --> 00:04:54,382
You've already seen it.
134
00:04:54,408 --> 00:04:55,369
Yeah, but I want to
watch you watch it.
135
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:57,095
Oh, it's so awesome.
136
00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,297
- We're watching it.
- Fine.
137
00:04:58,348 --> 00:04:59,514
We're doing it.
138
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,833
"Cocktail".
139
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,186
You're gonna freak out.
140
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,638
Oh, my God.
141
00:05:06,689 --> 00:05:12,811
(music plays on TV)
142
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:21,703
I feel like I'm remembering
143
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,856
they don't start bartending for,
like, 10 minutes into the movie.
144
00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:26,658
I'm just going
to fast forward to that.
145
00:05:26,709 --> 00:05:29,027
But just the set-up, like,
he's having a hard time.
146
00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:31,029
Oh my God, this part.
147
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,665
Oh my God.
148
00:05:33,716 --> 00:05:35,133
Oh my God.
149
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,534
(man)
You wanna see a cocktail menu?
150
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:37,753
(man 2) Uh, no.
151
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,606
I'm not drinking, thanks.
152
00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:46,311
(bell chimes)
153
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:48,230
- Yeah, he caught it.
- Okay.
154
00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:50,548
So is that--
Is that kind of the gist of it?
155
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,267
They just do tricks.
156
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:56,238
Like, so much-- They get into
so many shenanigans.
157
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,246
Oh, we need ice cream.
158
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:05,230
I'm going to go
get some ice cream.
159
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,915
- What--
- I'm gonna run out.
160
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:07,812
If you're going to be
gone, I'll pause it.
161
00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:08,442
No, no, no, don't pause it.
162
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,584
Watch it.
You-- Watch this.
163
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:13,505
You're gonna... watch it.
164
00:06:13,572 --> 00:06:15,040
(man) Are these peanuts
for everybody?
165
00:06:15,091 --> 00:06:16,241
(man 2) Yeah.
166
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:19,711
(man) Oh wow, great bar.
167
00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:34,259
When I'm leave
you're gonna long for me
168
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,278
When you longing
for my kiss
169
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,029
You'll long
for more than this
170
00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:41,116
When I leave you'll
long for me
171
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,785
172
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,620
Okay, I'm going to name
Tyler Perry movies.
173
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:47,539
You tell me
if they're real or fake.
174
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:48,740
- Okay.
- Okay?
175
00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:50,775
"I Can Do Bad All By Myself".
176
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:51,943
- Fake.
- Real.
177
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,795
Real--
"Madea Goes to Trenton".
178
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:54,779
- Fake.
- Fake.
179
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,632
"A Strong, Strong..."
180
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,618
These titles are ridiculous.
181
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,421
Tyler Perry's
"Put Some Stank On It".
182
00:07:02,472 --> 00:07:04,456
Yeah, yeah,
that sounds about right.
183
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,891
No, it's not.
184
00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:07,309
"Why Did I Get Married Too".
185
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:08,960
- Not a title.
- It is a title.
186
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:10,595
"The Darker the Berry
the Sweeter the Drank."
187
00:07:10,646 --> 00:07:12,013
(Bleep).
188
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,982
I can't say the fake titles
without laughing.
189
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:16,067
190
00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:21,640
That was fun.
Your friends are really great.
191
00:07:22,291 --> 00:07:26,628
Yesterday I told a brief story with
a point and a definite ending.
192
00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:28,497
What's happening to me?
193
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,549
(announcer)
Feeling like less of a woman?
194
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:31,800
(whispering) Yeah.
195
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:33,752
Lately I've been
arguing rationally
196
00:07:33,803 --> 00:07:36,788
without bringing up some
(bleep) from three years ago.
197
00:07:36,839 --> 00:07:38,557
Am I dying?
198
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:41,426
(announcer)
Losing what makes you feminine?
199
00:07:41,477 --> 00:07:43,728
I saw a strange text
on my boyfriend's cell phone
200
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,463
and I just trusted him.
201
00:07:45,515 --> 00:07:47,732
I didn't freak
the (bleep) out.
202
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,985
(announcer) You might not
just be getting older.
203
00:07:50,069 --> 00:07:54,239
You might have a condition
called Low Estrogen, or Low-E,
204
00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:57,609
and it might be time to talk
to your doctor about SandraGel.
205
00:07:57,660 --> 00:07:59,494
SandraGel is a cream
206
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,980
you have to rub on your hands
in an exaggerated way.
207
00:08:02,031 --> 00:08:03,648
A lot.
208
00:08:03,699 --> 00:08:06,168
SandraGel increases
estrogen when used daily.
209
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:08,286
I just feel like if she
really cares about her friends,
210
00:08:08,337 --> 00:08:10,255
like, she'll call them
and it won't just be all about--
211
00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:11,590
Are you listening to me?
212
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:12,991
(announcer) In clinical study,
213
00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:14,876
women who used SandraGel
immediately reported
214
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:18,380
an increase in unfounded
suspicions, crying at work,
215
00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,182
and dishing it out without
being able to take it.
216
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:23,468
Can you give me
some space, please?
217
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:24,686
God.
218
00:08:24,770 --> 00:08:26,221
God, Jesus.
219
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:27,439
(announcer)
Serious side effects include
220
00:08:27,506 --> 00:08:29,057
vaginal worsening
and stigmata.
221
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,342
Thanks, SandraGel!
222
00:08:31,394 --> 00:08:34,396
What? What?
223
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,031
Why is your cell phone
have a code?
224
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:37,449
What do you need a code for?
225
00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:40,035
226
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:41,853
What are women like?
227
00:08:41,904 --> 00:08:43,187
Can you describe them
in general?
228
00:08:43,239 --> 00:08:47,792
I would say that they
typically are sweet, kind.
229
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:51,329
- You are so...
- They can also be--
230
00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:53,248
Uh, demanding.
231
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:54,532
Um.
232
00:08:54,584 --> 00:08:56,751
They're completely,
sometimes, delusional.
233
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:59,037
I can't have this on TV.
234
00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:00,305
- I got to stop this.
- This is so funny.
235
00:09:00,372 --> 00:09:03,174
236
00:09:03,226 --> 00:09:05,143
(announcer)
Behind every great doctor
237
00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,846
is an even greater "The Nurses."
238
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,982
Welcome to "The Nurses,"
239
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:14,319
the show that you watch while
you're waiting for the doctors.
240
00:09:14,386 --> 00:09:15,737
I know what
you're all thinking.
241
00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,522
You want to see the doctors
right away,
242
00:09:17,573 --> 00:09:20,692
but you're just going to have
to settle for the unsung heroes
243
00:09:20,743 --> 00:09:22,994
up here who do
all the real work.
244
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,530
And don't worry, we know more
than the doctors, okay?
245
00:09:25,581 --> 00:09:27,032
If you don't have a fever
246
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,900
and you blow your nose
and it's clear, you're fine.
247
00:09:28,951 --> 00:09:30,234
That's right.
248
00:09:30,286 --> 00:09:32,420
Because doctors can be
very unapproachable.
249
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,039
It's like, we get it,
Your Grace.
250
00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:35,423
You're super busy.
251
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,841
And we're not busy?
Please.
252
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,126
Don't give us any attitude.
253
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,911
If you are rude, we're rude.
254
00:09:39,962 --> 00:09:41,412
We'll give it right back to you.
255
00:09:41,464 --> 00:09:43,848
(audience claps) Thank you.
256
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:47,418
Okay, let's take a question
from the studio audience.
257
00:09:47,470 --> 00:09:49,437
Yeah, thanks, hi.
258
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:53,058
I've been told
that my cholesterol is--
259
00:09:53,109 --> 00:09:54,592
Step on the scale, please.
260
00:09:54,644 --> 00:09:57,612
Wow, okay.
261
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,648
Uh, you want me
to remove my shoes?
262
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:00,949
(all) It doesn't matter.
263
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,870
My cholesterol is too high.
264
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,323
What can I do
to address this issue?
265
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,824
I guess, like, Google it?
266
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:12,877
You know what,
you gotta wash your hands.
267
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,163
And wash them longer
than you think, okay?
268
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:17,048
Two "Happy Birthdays."
269
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,250
A doctor would say that
my cholesterol is connected
270
00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:21,386
to washing my hands?
271
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,004
I'll tell you what a doctor
would say.
272
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,523
"Blah, blah, I want to bang
every pharmaceutical rep
273
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,560
that walks through my office
door in a pencil skirt. Blah."
274
00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:30,261
That's what a doctor would say.
(audience claps)
275
00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:32,797
It's like, I wear
pencil skirts, you know?
276
00:10:32,848 --> 00:10:36,434
I wear 'em all the time, and I can't
even Dr. Rosen to look at me.
277
00:10:36,485 --> 00:10:39,804
Okay, this isn't really
the time for that.
278
00:10:39,855 --> 00:10:41,106
Thank you.
279
00:10:41,157 --> 00:10:43,742
Here.
Piss in this.
280
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,578
Do you want me to leave it in
the bathroom or bring it out?
281
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,196
(all) Doesn't matter.
282
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,782
I can't today. I can't.
283
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:52,500
Okay, we are getting a lot
of questions about
284
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,419
keeping your doodies regular.
285
00:10:54,486 --> 00:10:58,840
Mm-hmm, Here's what I do:
Coffee and a cigarette.
286
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:02,210
Boom, like clockwork every day.
287
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:03,712
Easy, thank you.
(audience claps)
288
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:06,097
You're welcome.
289
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:08,516
Happy birthday, Jocelyn!
290
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,268
Oh, you guys.
291
00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:11,569
(Amy) Jocie!
292
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,722
- A cookie cake!
- Yeah.
293
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:15,690
My favorite!
294
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,525
We know you love cookie cake.
295
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:18,860
Happy birthday.
296
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:20,678
Everyone owes me $3.
297
00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:22,113
I'm actually not
going to have any.
298
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,982
Even if you're not
gonna have any.
299
00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:26,901
It's a party, okay?
300
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:29,154
Yeah, I have a question
about prescriptions?
301
00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:31,456
Sir, we will call you
when we're ready for you.
302
00:11:31,523 --> 00:11:34,325
Okay? I did not
forget about you.
303
00:11:34,377 --> 00:11:35,960
Sit down.
304
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,330
(clears throat)
305
00:11:52,395 --> 00:11:54,545
Sir?
306
00:11:54,597 --> 00:11:56,047
Sir!
307
00:11:56,098 --> 00:11:57,265
We're ready for you now.
308
00:11:57,349 --> 00:11:58,983
Even though we're
technically still on break.
309
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,102
What's your
emergency question?
310
00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:02,821
My question is about
prescriptions.
311
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,272
Step on the scale.
312
00:12:04,356 --> 00:12:06,191
Is she talking to the air?
Step on it.
313
00:12:06,242 --> 00:12:08,392
Ahh!
314
00:12:08,444 --> 00:12:10,095
Oh, no!
315
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:13,281
(screaming)
316
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:14,582
Oh, God!
317
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,117
My legs are cut off!
318
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:18,420
Someone, please,
call the doctors!
319
00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:19,754
Call the doctors!
320
00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:21,589
- Uh.
- He's gonna die on television!
321
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,758
Someone get a doctor!
322
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,043
Look at his legs!
323
00:12:25,094 --> 00:12:26,261
It's in half!
324
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,213
Both legs are in half!
325
00:12:28,264 --> 00:12:29,431
Dr. Patel?
326
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:30,715
Oh, what a shocker.
327
00:12:30,766 --> 00:12:31,966
Well, can somebody
go find him?
328
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,769
329
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:36,805
- Are you a good nurse?
- Of course.
330
00:12:36,889 --> 00:12:38,523
What's the vibe with nurses
and doctors?
331
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,458
Like, did you ever make out
with one in, like,
332
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:42,260
the room where there's beds?
333
00:12:42,311 --> 00:12:44,145
Um. No.
334
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,309
It's like the newer
thing-- no, no.
335
00:12:46,335 --> 00:12:47,474
Nobody's hooking up anymore.
336
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:48,933
It's like new seasons
of "The Real World".
337
00:12:48,984 --> 00:12:50,485
Like, nobody's really (bleep).
338
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,454
339
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,023
340
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:59,394
No one was hurt, but it looks like
that's the last time that bear
341
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,862
will be going to Whole Foods.
342
00:13:00,929 --> 00:13:02,197
Amy.
343
00:13:02,264 --> 00:13:04,149
I hope you're
right about that, Fleet.
344
00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:06,767
Oh, they're having a bear
of a time though, aren't they?
345
00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:08,203
I can hardly bear it.
346
00:13:08,270 --> 00:13:10,071
(laughing)
347
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,456
Oh.
348
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,125
Everyone's talking about
the record-setting cold
349
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,044
we've been
experiencing this winter
350
00:13:16,111 --> 00:13:17,712
with temperatures dropping
into the single digits.
351
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:21,449
We went to Central Park to talk to
people about how they're coping.
352
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,918
Well, it's been so cold,
it's just hard to do everything.
353
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,287
Well, not everything.
354
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:28,456
Seth, shut up.
355
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:31,426
What an adorably cold couple.
356
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,727
Certainly looks like
they're going to be
357
00:13:32,794 --> 00:13:34,345
keeping each other warm,
huh, Am?
358
00:13:34,430 --> 00:13:36,397
(forced laughing)
359
00:13:36,465 --> 00:13:39,150
Yes.
360
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,935
I'm sorry.
361
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,104
Rob, can we see those
last two people again?
362
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,139
Is something wrong, Amy?
363
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,158
Just show those
people again, please.
364
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,360
It's just hard
to do everything.
365
00:13:49,445 --> 00:13:51,446
Well, not everything.
366
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,498
Okay, that's my boyfriend.
367
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:54,949
What? I thought you
were on a break.
368
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,451
You sent out that email
you were on a break.
369
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,986
Well, he's obviously
not taking a break.
370
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,421
- We're still live, Am.
- He's not on break.
371
00:14:00,489 --> 00:14:02,006
- Definitely live.
- Okay.
372
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,925
- Still live.
- Okay, sorry about that.
373
00:14:03,992 --> 00:14:07,795
In Washington Heights this
morning, a gruesome discovery.
374
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,797
An elderly woman was found
brutally murdered in her--
375
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,216
Is she hotter than me?
376
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,467
What?
Amy, get it together.
377
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,968
Is she hotter than me?
378
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,270
It's a simple question, folks.
379
00:14:15,337 --> 00:14:16,855
Chime in.
380
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,223
We're gonna-- we'll take
your answers on Twitter.
381
00:14:18,307 --> 00:14:20,108
- Was that--
- In her apartment.
382
00:14:20,175 --> 00:14:22,360
She was brutally murdered
in her apartment.
383
00:14:22,478 --> 00:14:24,112
Back to you, Fleet.
384
00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:28,233
Thanks, Amy.
385
00:14:28,317 --> 00:14:30,451
A candlelight vigil is
being held at the United Nations
386
00:14:30,519 --> 00:14:32,871
- tonight in honor of--
- I mean, she's Asian,
387
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,405
but she wasn't even, like,
a hot Asian.
388
00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:36,157
I mean, she may as well
not have even been Asian--
389
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,129
Five teenagers tonight
are being accused...
390
00:14:37,155 --> 00:14:37,883
Was she Taiwanese
or something?
391
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,860
...of a hate crime
after they were caught
392
00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:42,380
- spray-painting swastikas...
- I mean, look at this.
393
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,048
in the parking lot
of a local Chipotle...
394
00:14:44,074 --> 00:14:45,439
All of them are students
at the local high school...
395
00:14:45,465 --> 00:14:47,802
How many exclamation
points is he gonna put?
396
00:14:47,869 --> 00:14:49,087
...where the teacher
said they had a history
397
00:14:49,171 --> 00:14:50,838
- of disruptive behavior.
- Look at this.
398
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,694
Principal John Robbins
says that the
399
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,766
school will be instituting
new classes...
400
00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:56,344
- that teach tolerance.
- Really, we're on a break.
401
00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:57,896
In other news,
402
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,898
Madison Square Garden will be
undergoing renovations...
403
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:00,932
Pick up the phone, (bleep).
404
00:15:01,016 --> 00:15:01,900
- Pick up the phone.
- ...this summer.
405
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,985
Yeah, I just saw you!
406
00:15:04,052 --> 00:15:05,937
MSG officials have said the
renovations are necessary
407
00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:07,188
- to accommodate increasingly elaborate
- I just saw you on my news.
408
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,056
- live musical performances,
- Yes!
409
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:11,225
many of which now
include pyrotechnics
410
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:12,560
- and detailed multimedia presentations.
- You weren't trying to miss me?
411
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:14,195
You're so full of (bleep)!
412
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,980
They'll also be increasing the venue's
capacity from 20,000 to 22,000.
413
00:15:17,065 --> 00:15:18,516
Your dick is garbage,
do you hear me?
414
00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:19,900
- Mayor de Blasio welcomed the news
- I'm gonna find you, mother(bleep).
415
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:21,736
calling Madison Square Garden
the heart of Midtown.
416
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:23,371
Bob! Am I the only
(bleep) one here?
417
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,672
Can't you wrangle
this (bleep)?
418
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,426
419
00:15:29,911 --> 00:15:31,296
How'd you guys meet?
420
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:34,098
I met him with my ex-boyfriend
at his birthday party.
421
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:35,433
Whoa!
422
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:36,851
Imagine that.
423
00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:38,353
And you hadn't broken up yet?
424
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:39,687
- No.
- Yikes.
425
00:15:39,755 --> 00:15:41,422
How'd you break up with him?
426
00:15:41,473 --> 00:15:42,690
You just left
the party with Brad.
427
00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,025
Basically.
428
00:15:44,092 --> 00:15:45,926
Do you ever Google an ex?
429
00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:47,928
No, not really.
430
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,280
- Come on!
- All right, once.
431
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,615
(laughing)
432
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:51,932
Yeah, totally, I knew that.
433
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:53,484
Just-- just to see
what happened.
434
00:15:53,569 --> 00:15:55,603
- Make sure their lives are dog (bleep).
- Right.
435
00:15:55,671 --> 00:15:56,537
436
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:00,558
437
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,197
Michelle, you were
a flight attendant.
438
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:08,199
- Yes.
- What were the regulations?
439
00:16:08,266 --> 00:16:10,618
You had to be a specific weight
according to your height
440
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,869
and you literally had
to get on a scale
441
00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:14,105
- in front of your supervisor.
- Oh, my God.
442
00:16:14,156 --> 00:16:16,574
And they would pull you off
the line if you were over.
443
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:19,110
- Until you lost it.
- (bleep).
444
00:16:19,161 --> 00:16:20,628
I feel like on planes,
445
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:21,713
flight attendants
are always like,
446
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,082
"Look, our first job here
is safety."
447
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,750
Yeah.
448
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,586
And I'm like,
"But I want a drink."
449
00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,088
- Yes, exactly.
- You know?
450
00:16:30,139 --> 00:16:31,139
I mean, yeah, I mean, people
think that you're there
451
00:16:31,223 --> 00:16:32,123
to serve them dinner,
basically.
452
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:33,624
If there's any turbulence,
453
00:16:33,676 --> 00:16:35,960
I look right
to flight attendants
454
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,795
- to see if you guys are freaking out.
- Yes.
455
00:16:37,846 --> 00:16:39,347
And they never are.
456
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:42,233
If it's serious,
you take a big drop fast.
457
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,301
So, you would know when
that was happening.
458
00:16:44,353 --> 00:16:46,604
I mean, I've heard stories
about somebody, like, actually,
459
00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:48,823
like, a flight attendant
going up through the ceiling
460
00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:50,992
of the, you know,
just, you know, the--
461
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:54,579
I feel like you should know what
the top of a plane is called.
462
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:56,197
Yeah, exactly.
It's kind of vital.
463
00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:57,915
The drop ceiling, I guess.
464
00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,000
I'm not saying, like,
through the plane.
465
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,502
You're like,
"What's it called? The front?"
466
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,788
Why do we have to put
our seats up one inch?
467
00:17:03,839 --> 00:17:05,840
It's for safety and security.
468
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:11,095
Why is it safer to be like
this instead of like this?
469
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:12,680
Yeah, it doesn't make
much of a difference.
470
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:15,683
- Were you ever scared?
- You know, sometimes,
471
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,135
emergency situations
would happen
472
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,854
and you wouldn't know how serious
they were until after the fact.
473
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,189
For example, something like
aborted takeoffs.
474
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:22,306
Aborted takeoffs feel like
475
00:17:22,358 --> 00:17:23,641
they're just slamming on
the brakes.
476
00:17:23,692 --> 00:17:24,055
Yeah.
477
00:17:24,081 --> 00:17:25,168
It doesn't feel like
it's that dangerous.
478
00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:26,694
However,
it is really dangerous.
479
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,529
Uh, I think everyone
in the back is probably
480
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:29,530
waiting for me to make
an abortion joke,
481
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,566
but I'm not gonna do it.
482
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:34,185
And it's only because
I couldn't think of one.
483
00:17:34,236 --> 00:17:36,621
Do you ever think about kind of
like (bleep) with the passengers
484
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:37,905
when there's
a little turbulence?
485
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,707
- Being like, "Ahh!"
- No.
486
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:41,909
No? All right,
well, that's good, yeah.
487
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,745
When I think a plane
might be going down,
488
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:45,696
- I try and, like, think of good memories.
- Yeah.
489
00:17:45,748 --> 00:17:48,049
Or like, uh, or I'll put on
a song that I'd want to die to.
490
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,201
What do you do?
491
00:17:50,252 --> 00:17:52,303
I think maybe think about
people that you love, you know?
492
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:54,055
Try and send them good
energy on the way out.
493
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:56,090
Right, right, but if you
don't have those, what do you--
494
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:58,843
No, I'm just kidding.
495
00:17:58,894 --> 00:18:01,763
What's a way to, uh,
get a flight attendant
496
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:04,015
to not be really mean
to you for no reason?
497
00:18:04,066 --> 00:18:06,234
I think just be really nice
to them, first of all.
498
00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:08,569
I go into a flight, like,
499
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,071
I'm going to have
the best energy,
500
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:14,275
and I'm not going to be needy
and, it's, you know, and, uh--
501
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:19,030
But still, any little request
is met with kind of a fury
502
00:18:19,114 --> 00:18:21,699
that I can't even believe.
503
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,034
Everyone asks about
the Mile High Club, I'm sure.
504
00:18:23,085 --> 00:18:24,752
Yeah, yeah.
505
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,237
Have you encountered
a lot of people (bleep) in the--
506
00:18:26,288 --> 00:18:27,338
Flight attendants totally know
when it's happening.
507
00:18:27,405 --> 00:18:29,040
- Of course.
- Yeah.
508
00:18:29,091 --> 00:18:29,924
Because, you know, the galley
is rocking, you know?
509
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:31,959
Right, sure.
510
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,763
And also, we can open the
lavatory doors from the outside.
511
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,131
So, like,
at any point in time,
512
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,599
they can just barge in on you
if they wanted to.
513
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:39,851
It'd be pretty embarrassing.
514
00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:41,352
But then you have
to have seen--
515
00:18:41,419 --> 00:18:42,887
Yeah, who wants
to see that, exactly?
516
00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:44,255
And also it's kind of,
like, revolting.
517
00:18:44,306 --> 00:18:45,690
Even the idea of it
to most flight attendants
518
00:18:45,757 --> 00:18:46,808
is revolting 'cause
those bathrooms are so--
519
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,226
It's the smallest bathroom.
Most disgusting.
520
00:18:48,277 --> 00:18:49,977
And they're gross.
521
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,780
It doesn't make any sense
how you could even do that.
522
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,949
Like, you've never done that?
523
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,267
No, I have not ever done it.
524
00:18:56,318 --> 00:18:57,702
Um, did you ever
think about it?
525
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,655
Yeah, I thought about it.
526
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:05,042
Do pilots all act like they
know you want to (bleep) them?
527
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:06,577
Yes.
528
00:19:06,628 --> 00:19:07,945
- Right?
- Yeah, they totally do.
529
00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:10,164
And, you know, I mean,
in some cases they're right.
530
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,800
When flight attendants
walk through the aisles
531
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:16,921
toward the end of the flight
saying, "Trash? Trash?"
532
00:19:16,972 --> 00:19:19,257
We know what you're doing.
533
00:19:20,342 --> 00:19:21,225
534
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:24,896
I bought a pregnancy test
recently.
535
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,264
And it was so weird.
536
00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:27,982
There's so many now.
537
00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:31,102
There's, like--
There was one that cost $3.99.
538
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:36,307
Like, is that really where
you want to cut corners, uh?
539
00:19:36,358 --> 00:19:38,943
Is that where you want
to use a Groupon, like,
540
00:19:38,994 --> 00:19:41,996
to find out if you're
with child?
541
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,865
Is that a great idea?
542
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,149
When I bought
the pregnancy test,
543
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,985
the girl at the drugstore
had the balls
544
00:19:48,036 --> 00:19:49,887
when I walked up
to buy it to be like,
545
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:53,291
"Are you excited?"
546
00:19:53,342 --> 00:19:56,093
I was like, "Yeah, that's why
I'm here at midnight
547
00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:58,212
"on a Tuesday in sweatpants.
548
00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:00,515
"I'm ecstatic.
549
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:02,350
"Do you have a bathroom here?
550
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,852
"Can I pee on this strip, and
then we'll raise it together.
551
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,804
(bleep) you."
552
00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:07,805
553
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,141
Someone help this man!
554
00:20:10,192 --> 00:20:11,675
I can't help him!
555
00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:12,894
I can't help him!
556
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:14,178
You're still on the phone?
557
00:20:14,229 --> 00:20:15,279
You're having a party.
558
00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:17,114
They're having a party.
559
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,866
I'm so sorry,
they're having cake.
560
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,184
They're having a cookie cake.
561
00:20:20,235 --> 00:20:21,685
(man) Cut.
562
00:20:21,737 --> 00:20:22,820
(all laughing)
563
00:20:24,406 --> 00:20:25,823
(woman) It's so easy.
564
00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:26,874
(man) Mm, magic.
565
00:20:26,899 --> 00:20:32,899
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
566
00:20:32,949 --> 00:20:37,499
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