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1
00:00:00,035 --> 00:00:03,135
Look at these innocent,
furry miracles.
2
00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:07,673
Right now, real animals are
being neglected by me.
3
00:00:07,724 --> 00:00:09,591
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer.
4
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:12,711
And these are the dozens of animals
I never should have adopted.
5
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,463
Nobody's fault.
6
00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:19,084
Long story short, I'm now
legally considered a hoarder.
7
00:00:19,135 --> 00:00:20,436
I mean, what do you expect?
8
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:21,970
I mean, they're cute as (bleep).
9
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:23,022
(Bleep).
10
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,273
Like what is this thing?
11
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,758
Like, what are you,
an act one Gremlin?
12
00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:29,428
You are a burden.
13
00:00:29,479 --> 00:00:30,863
That's where you come in.
14
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:33,932
Call the number on your
screen right now and just,
15
00:00:33,983 --> 00:00:36,535
just take a few of
these things off my hands.
16
00:00:36,602 --> 00:00:40,039
Like Walter, who only is nice
to you when he needs something.
17
00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,290
Nobody walks me, Walt.
18
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,575
This one I call Bait and Switch
'cause he used
19
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,744
to be real cute
and then he got bigger.
20
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:46,995
Not a Laugher.
21
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,114
Competitive Narcissist.
22
00:00:49,165 --> 00:00:52,418
And let's just say this one, she
doesn't have a warrior spirit.
23
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:53,719
Not Supportive.
24
00:00:53,786 --> 00:00:54,786
Mama's Boy.
25
00:00:54,838 --> 00:00:55,804
Spencer's actually cool.
26
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:56,805
He found my phone.
27
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,223
(whining)
28
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,132
I honestly don't want to have
this conversation
29
00:01:00,176 --> 00:01:02,794
with you right now, but I will
in front of everybody.
30
00:01:02,846 --> 00:01:03,929
Jew.
31
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,130
Fat, But Owns It.
32
00:01:05,181 --> 00:01:06,849
And Mrs. Wong is glib.
33
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,484
Time is running out.
34
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:11,636
My sister just spent her student
loan check on an all-inclusive
35
00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:13,689
trip for the two of us
to go to Turks and Caicos.
36
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,274
The excursions are not
included.
37
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,575
And once I'm on that plane,
38
00:01:16,642 --> 00:01:17,993
the last thing
I want to be worried about
39
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,529
is this dog's water bowl
or this turtle's survival.
40
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:22,114
Russell!
41
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,982
Get away from your sister.
42
00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:26,418
Russell, you know
you're not allowed near her!
43
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:30,956
If you call in the next 10 minutes,
you'll receive this free T-shirt.
44
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,257
Okay?
45
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:33,208
10 minutes.
46
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,877
You're so (bleep) cute.
47
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,879
I want more of you!
48
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:38,497
But I don't.
49
00:01:38,548 --> 00:01:41,016
50
00:01:44,635 --> 00:01:50,687
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
51
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,485
For like, 10 years,
I've been on the road,
52
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,447
just staying at
the grossest places.
53
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,449
Like, not even a Comfort Inn.
54
00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,685
Like, a-- I can't even see a Comfort
Inn from where I'm standing.
55
00:02:00,737 --> 00:02:02,687
It's like, a Comfort Western.
56
00:02:02,739 --> 00:02:04,223
You know?
57
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:09,328
Just some like off-brand place
where the sheets, like, hurt.
58
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,748
There's, like,
a four-thread count.
59
00:02:12,832 --> 00:02:14,833
It's BYO towels, just--
60
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:18,370
They're like, "Sorry, you should
have called ahead".
61
00:02:18,421 --> 00:02:20,022
You're just, like,
shaking in the shower.
62
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:22,341
63
00:02:23,709 --> 00:02:26,145
(man) 75% of Americans believe
64
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:29,181
there are events
that cannot be explained.
65
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,767
Over half of them are
celebrities.
66
00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:35,354
Noises, shapes, shadows.
67
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:36,455
Hello?
68
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:37,956
Weird dolls.
69
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:38,991
Ghost hands.
70
00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:40,025
Uh-oh.
71
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,693
Bye!
72
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,335
As a celebrity,
I'm not superstitious,
73
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:55,657
but I do assume that everything I
don't understand is black magic.
74
00:02:55,842 --> 00:03:00,429
This was the first vacation
I booked since I got famous,
75
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:03,015
so I wanted to treat myself
to a fancy hotel.
76
00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:04,049
(bell chimes)
77
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,767
(laughing)
78
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,252
Just having a bit of fun.
79
00:03:07,303 --> 00:03:10,472
In the past, I've always stayed
at motels where the door
80
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:13,275
to my room opens
directly to the parking lot,
81
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,227
which is cool 'cause you can
check on your car.
82
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,981
But this time, I was looking
forward to being treated
83
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,315
better than other people.
84
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,817
I don't have to tip
'cause I have this.
85
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:22,951
Bye.
86
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,153
Yes.
87
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:29,825
The first night, I met a really
chill couple from the Keys,
88
00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:31,793
who, like me, were
down for whatever.
89
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,046
We should go have sex
with each other.
90
00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:36,081
Then, at the last minute,
they had a change of heart.
91
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,633
No hard feelings.
92
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:41,053
And if they change their mind,
like, they know where I am.
93
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,673
In the morning,
I woke up to a strange sound.
94
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:47,509
It was like...
95
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,928
(knocking)
96
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,764
(knocking continues)
97
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:56,435
It was like a door noise
but on the other side...
98
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,986
...of the door.
99
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:02,157
What?
100
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:06,811
When I opened the door,
a "USA Today"
101
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:09,331
had appeared on the floor.
102
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:13,035
So I was like, um,
"Okay, that's weird".
103
00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:14,753
Like, now it's weird.
104
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,674
I was bugging out.
105
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:22,177
So I went into town
to do a Segway tour
106
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,629
and score some
Caribbean Adderall.
107
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:31,303
When I get back, the first thing
I notice is that my towel
108
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:34,439
has been transformed
into a swan.
109
00:04:38,511 --> 00:04:42,013
And then I see that
on top of my pillow
110
00:04:42,065 --> 00:04:46,785
is an even tinier pillow
made entirely of chocolate.
111
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:48,787
And now I know
there's a ghost.
112
00:04:48,854 --> 00:04:50,739
I know.
113
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:54,543
I tested my ghost theory by
dumping out all of the shampoo
114
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:58,213
and drinking all of
the bottles from the mini bar.
115
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,698
I remember thinking, like,
116
00:04:59,749 --> 00:05:02,884
"Let's see
a ghost deal with this."
117
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,003
But then I bounced out
118
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:09,925
and I ran into the guy who had
sold me a shark tooth necklace.
119
00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,677
And just crashed at his place.
120
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:12,644
It was cool.
121
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,262
He had a snake.
122
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:20,686
When I got back, I was almost
too scared to open the door.
123
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:28,076
All the bottles
were full again.
124
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,861
And the room was spotless.
125
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,197
I just broke down.
126
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:35,734
I called my personal life
coach and psychic, Cheyakee.
127
00:05:35,785 --> 00:05:38,203
There's a (bleep) swan here!
128
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:46,094
I've known Amy for 12 weeks and
if she says she saw a ghost and
129
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,347
agrees to fly me down
business class,
130
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:51,299
then guess what,
she saw a ghost.
131
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,935
I know you're right, but
it's just-- Shh! (knocking)
132
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,854
That's the door noise
I told you about.
133
00:05:55,921 --> 00:05:57,639
(woman) Mrs. Schumer!
134
00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,591
What do you want
with us, spirit?
135
00:05:59,642 --> 00:06:00,859
(woman) Hello, housekeeping.
136
00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:02,361
You're not welcome here!
137
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:04,279
(woman) Okay, thank you.
I come back.
138
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,198
(screaming)
139
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,566
Oh God!
140
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:11,703
(Amy) I checked out that day.
141
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:14,873
I guess there are more forces
out there than meets the eye.
142
00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:19,911
And sometimes, those
forces bring us swan towels.
143
00:06:22,131 --> 00:06:23,915
144
00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:33,358
(man) She's beautiful, she's
smart, she's sophisticated.
145
00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:35,327
(woman) Sophisticated.
146
00:06:35,411 --> 00:06:36,912
(man) She's your best friend.
147
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:39,164
(woman) Best friend.
148
00:06:39,248 --> 00:06:41,199
(man) You can't picture your
life without her.
149
00:06:41,284 --> 00:06:42,200
Or can you?
150
00:06:42,285 --> 00:06:43,201
A little bit.
151
00:06:43,286 --> 00:06:44,286
Sometimes.
152
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,121
(woman) Occasionally.
153
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:49,841
(man) Give her the gift that keeps
on giving... you more time.
154
00:06:49,926 --> 00:06:51,560
(woman) Time.
155
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:54,963
We're proud to introduce our
Stolen Years collection.
156
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,183
Because you're not sure
and you probably never will be.
157
00:06:58,267 --> 00:06:59,601
(woman) Stolen Years.
158
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,605
(man) A line of jewelry
as gorgeous are her
159
00:07:03,672 --> 00:07:06,224
and as non-committal as you.
160
00:07:06,309 --> 00:07:07,949
(woman) Who's that new chick
in marketing?
161
00:07:10,813 --> 00:07:14,182
(man) Stolen Years marks the precious
days and months you're taking
162
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:17,819
from her as you carelessly
diddle time away,
163
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:21,957
trying to figure out
if she's the best you can do.
164
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,409
The Stolen Years collection.
165
00:07:24,494 --> 00:07:26,711
Give her the gift
that says forever.
166
00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:30,465
I will keep you waiting
for for-(bleep)-ever.
167
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,700
(woman) Forever.
168
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:35,470
169
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,005
How did you propose?
170
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:39,040
I had a limo, picked her up,
and took her down to the river,
171
00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:40,308
and dropped to a knee.
172
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,427
That's perfect,
'cause if she said no,
173
00:07:42,512 --> 00:07:43,888
you could have just
dumped her body in there.
174
00:07:43,914 --> 00:07:44,421
That's true.
175
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,982
What made you decide you
wanted to get married-- propose?
176
00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,150
My grandpa died.
177
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,017
I was pretty down
about it because
178
00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:50,569
I was close to my grandpa.
179
00:07:50,653 --> 00:07:53,905
I recognized that, uh, if she
was going to stick by me for
180
00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:55,824
that, be supportive, that's
someone I wanted to be around
181
00:07:55,891 --> 00:07:57,392
- for the rest of my life and...
- Yeah.
182
00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:59,027
Did you ever think that
maybe she knew that
183
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,563
and she killed your grandpa?
184
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:04,616
185
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:08,336
Should anyone here know of any
reason that this couple should
186
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:13,008
not be joined in
holy matrimony, speak now
187
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,309
or forever hold your peace.
188
00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,679
Really?
189
00:08:17,746 --> 00:08:19,214
Nobody's gonna object?
190
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,705
We're all just gonna
let this happen?
191
00:08:20,716 --> 00:08:21,916
What is the objection?
192
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,752
I didn't want to be a hero,
but, you know what?
193
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:29,591
My ankle tattoo
says "Carpe Diem".
194
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:30,859
Seize the carp.
195
00:08:30,926 --> 00:08:32,427
So, fine.
196
00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:34,312
Stop the wedding.
197
00:08:34,397 --> 00:08:35,947
Amy, what the (bleep)?
198
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:38,066
What the (bleep) you, Sasha.
199
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:39,067
I'm gonna say it.
200
00:08:39,135 --> 00:08:40,216
What are you talking about?
201
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,572
I was outside, bumming
a smoke yesterday,
202
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:46,241
after the free
rehearsal dinner.
203
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:48,076
Thank you guys so
much for that.
204
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:53,582
And I'm outside and I remember
205
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:57,135
that I overheard something
206
00:08:57,220 --> 00:09:02,974
interesting that one of
your bridesmaids told me.
207
00:09:03,059 --> 00:09:04,175
Who?
Which bridesmaid?
208
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:07,646
Okay, which one did I talk
to yesterday?
209
00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:09,147
Okay.
210
00:09:09,232 --> 00:09:11,266
You asked me to help
you find your car.
211
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,318
I said you shouldn't be driving
because you seemed drunk.
212
00:09:13,402 --> 00:09:15,803
No. Before that.
213
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:18,139
Before that, wiseass.
214
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,242
What-- No, what did you say?
215
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,360
You told me something really
revealing about Chris.
216
00:09:22,445 --> 00:09:23,445
Right?
217
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,613
What's your name?
218
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:25,580
Pam.
219
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:26,581
That's not it.
220
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,583
No. Sit down.
221
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:29,618
Right down.
222
00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:30,652
Do not sit down.
223
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,487
(Amy) Sit down, Pam.
224
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,490
- Don't sit down, Pam.
- Sit down, Pam.
225
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:38,843
There's an elephant in the
room, y'all, and it stanks!
226
00:09:38,928 --> 00:09:40,262
Everybody wants you to stop.
227
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,013
You do, Chris.
228
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:47,302
But this side of the room has
my back and so do other people.
229
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,304
I'm looking at you, Janine.
230
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:50,805
She told me also.
231
00:09:50,856 --> 00:09:51,723
What are you talking about?
232
00:09:51,807 --> 00:09:53,441
Grow up!
233
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:57,178
Janine gave me a piece
of gum earlier.
234
00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:00,198
She also dished some dirt too.
235
00:10:00,283 --> 00:10:01,316
Are you done?
236
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,319
Are you done lying, Chris?
237
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:07,205
Don't forget, you hooked
up with me in college.
238
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:08,239
That was me.
239
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:10,158
You're also a
piece of (bleep).
240
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:12,294
No, I'm not.
241
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:14,930
Fair enough.
242
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,414
Only time will tell.
243
00:10:16,499 --> 00:10:21,002
But for now,
cat's out of the bag.
244
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:23,805
(meows)
245
00:10:23,872 --> 00:10:25,256
Wake up.
246
00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:26,591
Wake up, San Francisco.
247
00:10:26,676 --> 00:10:28,042
- What is she talking about?
- I don't know.
248
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:33,181
I believe the answer to all
your questions is right here.
249
00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:36,151
I think I had written something
down earlier about this.
250
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,352
Oh, I have gum.
251
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:43,024
Do you want this?
You don't care.
252
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,860
Is there something
you need to tell me?
253
00:10:45,911 --> 00:10:46,828
Of course not, babe.
254
00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:47,829
Okay.
255
00:10:47,896 --> 00:10:50,399
Are you sure?
256
00:10:51,066 --> 00:10:52,667
Okay, fine.
257
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,669
I'm gay, I (bleep) dudes.
258
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:55,920
That was it.
259
00:10:56,005 --> 00:10:57,539
260
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:01,042
What could you have found out
about your wife last-minute
261
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:02,794
that would have made you
stop the wedding?
262
00:11:02,878 --> 00:11:05,213
Maybe if a guy screamed out,
"She's sucking my (bleep)!"
263
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:07,432
- During, before she walked down--
- Before she walked down.
264
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:08,916
"She just sucked my (bleep)!"
265
00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,269
That would maybe be something
that would stop the wedding.
266
00:11:11,354 --> 00:11:12,937
But it's like, all those
people are already there.
267
00:11:13,022 --> 00:11:14,139
- You know, they traveled.
- Yeah.
268
00:11:14,223 --> 00:11:15,657
And she's probably
just nervous.
269
00:11:15,725 --> 00:11:17,609
Like, when I'm nervous, I just
like sucking (bleep), just like,
270
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:18,977
- oh my God--
- Understandable.
271
00:11:19,061 --> 00:11:21,763
You look nervous now?
272
00:11:21,814 --> 00:11:24,699
You ever go to a wedding and you
were just, like, looking around
273
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,933
the room and you were like,
274
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:28,703
"Someone
please 'Homeland' this place?
275
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,171
"I'll die with the rest
of the team.
276
00:11:30,239 --> 00:11:31,790
These people need
to go down?"
277
00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:34,909
- Uh.
- Ish. Ish.
278
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,911
279
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:40,298
280
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,934
(woman)
"My Dream Breakup."
281
00:11:46,638 --> 00:11:48,440
Amy, a high school graduate,
282
00:11:48,491 --> 00:11:51,693
is ready to change her relationship
status with her boyfriend, Nick.
283
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:52,777
Hello, gorgeous.
284
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:54,029
Are you my breakup girl?
285
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:55,196
Yes, hi.
286
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:56,698
Hi, come here.
287
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,666
Nick and I have been dating
for two-and-a-half years.
288
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:02,320
Nick is like, such
a great guy, but I just,
289
00:12:02,371 --> 00:12:06,007
I know in my heart that I'm
ready for something taller.
290
00:12:08,177 --> 00:12:09,544
So let's talk general concept.
291
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:12,163
Have we given any thought to
whether you want it to be
292
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:14,832
a slow realization
or a devastating blindside?
293
00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:18,803
Um, I guess
blindside feels more me.
294
00:12:18,854 --> 00:12:19,971
You know what?
295
00:12:20,022 --> 00:12:21,506
I knew you were going
to say that.
296
00:12:21,557 --> 00:12:22,857
- I just get you.
- You do.
297
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:24,776
Let's look at
some venues, come on.
298
00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:25,777
You know what?
299
00:12:25,844 --> 00:12:26,778
I have an idea, Amy.
300
00:12:26,845 --> 00:12:28,696
Let me tell you.
301
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,815
What do you think about tapas?
302
00:12:30,866 --> 00:12:32,484
I love the small plates idea.
303
00:12:32,535 --> 00:12:33,902
I think it's
a great fit for you, Amy.
304
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:36,121
You know, it's low commitment,
you can leave after
305
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:38,156
the bacon-wrapped figs
if you want, or if he's crying,
306
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:39,741
you can stay for
the croquettas!
307
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:41,409
Ooh, I love croquettas!
308
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,795
Then we're gonna have
to make him cry.
309
00:12:43,862 --> 00:12:44,896
You're such a natural.
310
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:45,764
Have you done this before?
311
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,298
No. No.
312
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:48,800
Everyone always
breaks up with me.
313
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:51,970
Mom, one to 10?
314
00:12:53,389 --> 00:12:56,391
315
00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:01,729
Mom.
316
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:04,732
When I divorced your father,
I wore something more traditional.
317
00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:07,051
- This is my day!
- Oh, sweetie.
318
00:13:07,103 --> 00:13:08,319
No, you stop it.
319
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,604
You're ruining this!
320
00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,106
(sighs)
321
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,358
Mom, can I talk to
you for a second?
322
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:19,864
(crying)
Why are you being mean?
323
00:13:25,254 --> 00:13:26,871
That looks...
324
00:13:28,924 --> 00:13:30,208
...great!
325
00:13:32,762 --> 00:13:34,896
We have the dress!
326
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,686
(Amy) I watched my friends
do this over and over again
327
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,221
and now it's my turn.
328
00:13:44,773 --> 00:13:46,391
Blessed.
329
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:52,397
(whispers) Hey.
330
00:13:53,816 --> 00:13:55,266
Why are all
these cameras here?
331
00:13:55,317 --> 00:13:56,618
Nick,
332
00:13:56,702 --> 00:14:00,905
the times we shared can never
be taken away from us.
333
00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:02,323
What are you guys shooting?
334
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:06,794
But all things must run their
course and in due time,
335
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,130
even everything ends.
336
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:13,668
So Nick, today, I'd like
to tell you that
337
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:18,056
I am breaking up with you.
338
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:19,090
(mouthing words)
339
00:14:21,477 --> 00:14:22,894
Go for Eduardo and Pilar.
340
00:14:22,961 --> 00:14:25,563
Wait, what?
341
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:29,767
342
00:14:29,818 --> 00:14:31,102
We have tears.
343
00:14:31,153 --> 00:14:32,003
Go for croquettas!
344
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,356
(man sings in Spanish)
345
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:36,357
Why the (bleep) is he singing?
346
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,358
No, I'm sorry, no.
347
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,493
These are from Spain.
348
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,078
(groaning)
349
00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:41,996
Sweetie, I'm sorry,
no singing, okay?
350
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,414
Lo siento.
351
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:44,916
But if I want to hear you sing,
I will put a dollar
352
00:14:44,983 --> 00:14:45,983
in your (bleep) sombrero.
353
00:14:46,035 --> 00:14:47,168
This is not the
(bleep) "Voice".
354
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:48,693
Do I look like I'm in
a spinny chair?
355
00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:49,587
Please just
follow instructions.
356
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:51,372
I have 200 of you.
357
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:54,042
I don't even know what
to say right now.
358
00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:55,627
I'm like, totally blindsided.
359
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,633
What is this?
360
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:05,687
Oh, you're giving me my
stuff back in a gift bag?
361
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,806
Hey, (bleep) you, Amy.
362
00:15:09,391 --> 00:15:11,109
Holy God!
363
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:14,145
Sweetie, you were amazing!
364
00:15:14,196 --> 00:15:15,480
You did it, girl!
365
00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:16,648
We did it.
366
00:15:16,699 --> 00:15:18,199
It couldn't have
been more perfect.
367
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:22,704
It was truly the breakup of
my dreams and the best part--
368
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,657
now I have a new
gay best friend.
369
00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:28,359
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm gonna (bleep) her.
370
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:29,577
371
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:34,882
What's the worst way you've
ever been broken up with?
372
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:37,051
Well, it was like when
I was younger.
373
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:39,254
Basically, she slept with like,
a bunch of my friends
374
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:42,440
and then dumped me.
375
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,591
It was pretty horrible.
376
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,260
Okay, breakup with me.
377
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:46,945
All right.
378
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,147
Hey, I can't wait for you to
meet my mom this weekend.
379
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,265
Yeah.
380
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,599
Well, I've been thinking--
381
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,051
I (bleep) all your friends.
382
00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:55,403
How do you get over an ex?
383
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:56,521
What do, what do you do?
384
00:15:56,572 --> 00:15:58,856
I sleep with someone
and then I regret it.
385
00:15:58,908 --> 00:16:01,076
No, you distract yourself.
386
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:05,163
You eat, pray, eat.
387
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,164
That's what I do.
388
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,836
389
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:16,641
So Downing, you are
106 years old.
390
00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:17,809
I am.
391
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:20,094
What's your favorite
part about being 100?
392
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:21,646
No condoms, right?
393
00:16:21,713 --> 00:16:25,650
Well, I'm thankful for every
day when you're 100,
394
00:16:25,717 --> 00:16:27,151
'cause you know
the end is near.
395
00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:28,152
You know that.
396
00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:29,687
I don't know.
397
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:31,899
- I don't know, Downing.
- You don't know it, but I do.
398
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,574
I think you're going to
outlive everybody here.
399
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,742
Are you on Twitter?
400
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:35,860
No.
401
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:37,695
No, I don't know any
of the new things.
402
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:42,667
I have very poor vision
and my hearing is off.
403
00:16:42,734 --> 00:16:44,369
Are your other
senses heightened?
404
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:49,240
Like, can you smell that our sound
guy smoked weed this morning?
405
00:16:49,291 --> 00:16:51,242
- Oh, heavens no.
- Okay, cool.
406
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:52,593
You went to Towson.
407
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,912
I graduated in 1931.
408
00:16:54,963 --> 00:16:56,247
Took a little business course.
409
00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:57,581
That's where I went to.
410
00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:59,133
I went to the
same college as you.
411
00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:01,252
- I'm so pleased to hear that.
- Yeah.
412
00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:06,441
I went to Towson because when I
visited, I won a drinking contest.
413
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:07,609
Oh, wonderful.
414
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:11,646
Yeah, I love Baltimore, but it
definitely has its dangerous parts.
415
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,597
Did you ever watch
the show "The Wire"?
416
00:17:13,649 --> 00:17:15,199
Don't know enough
about it, darling.
417
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,267
Okay.
418
00:17:16,318 --> 00:17:17,819
Are you still a
Baltimore girl?
419
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,237
I live in the Baltimore area.
420
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,823
I live in the Towson area
in a retirement home.
421
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:24,442
Do you know anybody maybe at
the home you can set me up?
422
00:17:24,493 --> 00:17:27,778
Any, any eligible bachelors?
423
00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:30,048
Did you ever get into
a fistfight?
424
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,166
- No, ma'am.
- Yeah, me neither.
425
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,301
Never had a fistfight.
426
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,103
Well, be careful.
This neighborhood isn't so good.
427
00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:35,745
No.
428
00:17:35,787 --> 00:17:39,006
What was the
Great Depression like?
429
00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:41,292
What do you remember of
the Great Depression?
430
00:17:41,343 --> 00:17:44,429
We were very, very careful
about our food.
431
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:48,733
We would make a can of
salmon last for two nights.
432
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,800
Wow.
433
00:17:49,852 --> 00:17:51,486
And we liked it, you know?
434
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,636
We were saving.
435
00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:54,405
That's how Comedy Central
wishes I ate.
436
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:55,523
(laughing)
437
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,024
Right.
438
00:17:57,109 --> 00:18:01,829
What are the changes you've seen
for women with how they look?
439
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,615
Well, everybody's
wearing pants.
440
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,834
- And I--
- Thank God.
441
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,838
I got into the first pair
of pants in World War II
442
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:15,510
and I thought we would never
take them on as the usual garb,
443
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,879
- but we have.
- Yeah.
444
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:21,716
You think it's strange that women
wear their hair like, long now?
445
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:27,138
I think the style now is pretty,
however, I wonder who decrees
446
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,008
that it is now straight
if you're 50 and younger.
447
00:18:31,059 --> 00:18:32,510
Yeah.
448
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:37,198
I would think that the beauty
operators would want you to keep
449
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,616
your hair curled.
450
00:18:38,683 --> 00:18:41,119
What about how-- how people
have changed how they feel
451
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:43,354
about different races?
452
00:18:43,405 --> 00:18:45,706
- About racism?
- Yeah, racism.
453
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:49,877
I have learned over the years
to have some of my very good
454
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,163
friends to be, uh...
455
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,752
(inhales)
456
00:18:57,836 --> 00:18:59,537
- Black.
- Okay.
457
00:18:59,588 --> 00:19:00,471
That's not the word,
but anyway.
458
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:01,539
No, that's the word.
459
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,090
That's fine.
That's fine.
460
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:06,928
What did you used to worry about
that you don't concern yourself
461
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:08,262
with anymore?
462
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,598
I would worry over
people over drinking.
463
00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:12,767
I lived during the Prohibition
years, you know?
464
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,352
Yeah.
465
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:18,022
And some of the young people,
yeah, they would overindulge
466
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:20,775
and I would be very concerned.
467
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,861
You would have been very
concerned about me.
468
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,112
About you, honey?
469
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:26,247
Uh-huh.
470
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,166
I can't-- no kidding.
471
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,835
You were one?
472
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:34,789
Oh, you're crazy.
473
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,624
I can't believe it.
474
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,108
I could have used
a friend like you.
475
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:44,516
What's the craziest thing you ever
witnessed in your whole life?
476
00:19:44,783 --> 00:19:46,935
Honey.
477
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,720
I don't think
I can answer that.
478
00:19:50,922 --> 00:19:52,106
479
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,308
I'm not racist.
480
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:55,759
I don't know if you guys are.
481
00:19:55,811 --> 00:19:58,279
I'm like, totally,
I'm totally not.
482
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,147
My grandpa is, though.
483
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:01,732
I have such a racist grandpa.
484
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:02,766
Do you guys have them?
485
00:20:02,818 --> 00:20:03,784
You must.
486
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,286
Everybody does, right?
487
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,439
Just-- he's so sweet, but then
he'll just say something like--
488
00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:11,108
we went to lunch the other day,
we get out of his car and
489
00:20:11,159 --> 00:20:13,159
a black guy crosses the street
in front of the car.
490
00:20:13,161 --> 00:20:14,629
And he goes,
"Oh, that reminds me".
491
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:15,546
Boop, boop.
492
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,383
I'm like, "No".
493
00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:22,453
I'm like, "Grandpa, that
can't be the joke anymore.
494
00:20:22,504 --> 00:20:24,288
That was like, the joke when
you were younger".
495
00:20:24,339 --> 00:20:26,390
Like, oh,
watch out, black people.
496
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:27,458
Like, hold on to your (bleep).
497
00:20:27,509 --> 00:20:28,959
No.
498
00:20:29,011 --> 00:20:31,795
Like, that's the joke that
black people steal (bleep).
499
00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:34,965
Like, white people,
we stole black people.
500
00:20:35,017 --> 00:20:36,534
Umm...
501
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,969
502
00:20:39,021 --> 00:20:42,023
Like, I love "Sex and the City"
and like, the Mario Cantone role.
503
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:44,158
I know Mario, he's a
close, personal friend.
504
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,276
Yeah, I did his breakup.
505
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:46,477
- No.
- I did.
506
00:20:46,528 --> 00:20:47,612
Who was he dating?
507
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,580
Um, Mayim Bialik.
508
00:20:49,648 --> 00:20:50,581
He's straight.
509
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:55,586
(woman) So easy.
510
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:56,787
(man) Mmm, magic.
511
00:20:58,612 --> 00:21:04,612
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
512
00:21:04,662 --> 00:21:09,212
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