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1
00:00:00,717 --> 00:00:03,052
I can't even stand the thought
of a chicken in a cage.
2
00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:04,970
I can't either.
3
00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:06,388
I'm obsessed
with almond butter.
4
00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:07,556
Have you tried it?
5
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,109
It's so much better for you.
6
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,844
Like I didn't know peanuts
are like dangerous.
7
00:00:12,896 --> 00:00:15,847
Oh, my God, that is so sad.
8
00:00:15,899 --> 00:00:18,016
Oh, my God, look at that.
9
00:00:18,068 --> 00:00:19,485
(woman) How do you even
become a stripper?
10
00:00:19,536 --> 00:00:21,370
Oh, my God, it's like,
what happened?
11
00:00:21,454 --> 00:00:23,989
- Something happened.
- Oh, you know it.
12
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,874
It's like, I wish they could
draw their self-worth
13
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:27,242
from something else.
14
00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:29,294
And there's other ways
to make money.
15
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:31,130
Totally, yeah.
Host at a restaurant.
16
00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:32,831
I did it.
17
00:00:32,882 --> 00:00:35,240
- My God, for how long?
- Oh, almost a month.
18
00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:37,181
Yeah, I really got in there.
19
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:40,422
I mean, this just makes me really
appreciate my relationship with my dad.
20
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:41,873
Oh, yes.
21
00:00:41,925 --> 00:00:43,759
Our dad like loved us
too much.
22
00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:45,677
My dad's picking me up
after my workout today
23
00:00:45,729 --> 00:00:47,846
and we're just gonna
like walk.
24
00:00:47,897 --> 00:00:49,481
That's a nice day.
25
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,734
I just feel like,
like as women,
26
00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:53,736
just we're blessed
with so much more
27
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:59,057
than just our bodies,
that to like not use that,
28
00:00:59,109 --> 00:01:02,060
like, you guys mind if I just
stop talking for a second?
29
00:01:02,112 --> 00:01:03,579
I just feel like I might cry.
30
00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:06,198
Oh, my God, it's okay.
I cried on my way here.
31
00:01:06,249 --> 00:01:07,916
It's just like
hard to look at that.
32
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,901
Yeah, it's so sad.
33
00:01:09,953 --> 00:01:12,621
- So sad.
- Saddest.
34
00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:14,072
(man) All right, bitches!
35
00:01:14,124 --> 00:01:16,258
Welcome to
Body Pole Punk class.
36
00:01:16,342 --> 00:01:18,222
Let's do it.
Get on your poles!
37
00:01:18,261 --> 00:01:20,295
Faces down, asses up!
38
00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:21,430
Do it!
39
00:01:21,514 --> 00:01:22,514
Whores!
Whores!
40
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:23,582
You're all whores!
41
00:01:26,633 --> 00:01:32,652
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:33,276 --> 00:01:37,062
I feel like I never saw girls
that looked like me on TV.
43
00:01:37,113 --> 00:01:39,698
The only time was in those
Dove soap commercials.
44
00:01:39,765 --> 00:01:40,816
You know what
I'm talking about?
45
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:42,601
The girls for Dove soap.
46
00:01:42,652 --> 00:01:44,987
Those commercials,
they would come out in their bra
47
00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:47,573
and underwear on
camera, right?
48
00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:51,076
And they were like my size,
like size 6s, 8, 10.
49
00:01:51,127 --> 00:01:54,163
And, uh, 12 at the holidays.
50
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:57,032
And...
51
00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:59,284
And they would come out
on camera,
52
00:01:59,335 --> 00:02:02,784
just like real unsure, just
like deer in the headlights.
53
00:02:02,788 --> 00:02:04,223
Just like...
54
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,958
(laughter)
55
00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:10,179
This is okay, right?
56
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,264
(laughter)
57
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:16,485
We're cool with it
if you are
58
00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:18,437
We were all watching like,
59
00:02:18,488 --> 00:02:20,439
"We don't know
if we're cool with it."
60
00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:23,642
And the whole thing was just Dove
patting themselves on the back,
61
00:02:23,693 --> 00:02:27,746
like, "Can you believe
how brave we are
62
00:02:27,813 --> 00:02:31,750
"for putting these (bleep)
dump trucks on television?
63
00:02:31,817 --> 00:02:34,620
(laughter and applause)
64
00:02:34,671 --> 00:02:36,371
Put me
on the cross."
65
00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:37,656
Their slogan was like,
66
00:02:37,707 --> 00:02:39,424
"Don't bite the hand
that overfeeds you."
67
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:40,709
Okay.
68
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:44,213
69
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,633
(phone vibrates and chimes)
70
00:02:47,684 --> 00:02:49,268
Hello?
71
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,220
(woman on phone) Hi, Amy,
you've got Dan, Allen, Isaac,
72
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,305
Matt, Allie, Jen, and Russell.
73
00:02:53,356 --> 00:02:54,506
(man on phone) There she is!
74
00:02:54,557 --> 00:02:55,840
There's our girl.
75
00:02:55,892 --> 00:02:57,142
Ames, what's shaking?
76
00:02:57,193 --> 00:02:58,843
What'd you get into
last night, girl?
77
00:02:58,895 --> 00:03:00,779
Nothing much.
Just hanging out.
78
00:03:00,846 --> 00:03:03,115
(laughs hysterically)
You kill me!
79
00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:04,233
You kill me!
80
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:05,850
What's up, guys?
81
00:03:05,902 --> 00:03:07,319
(man) We know you've been
looking to make the transition
82
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:08,820
to doing more
off-camera work.
83
00:03:08,872 --> 00:03:10,289
I never said that.
84
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,396
They want you for the next
big animated kids' movie.
85
00:03:12,408 --> 00:03:16,461
It's like "Charlie's Angels,"
but with meerkats!
86
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,330
Jessica Alba and Megan Fox
have already signed
87
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:19,864
to play the other two.
88
00:03:19,916 --> 00:03:21,500
Uh, I'm in.
I'm-- Yeah.
89
00:03:21,551 --> 00:03:23,368
Awesome, we'll download you
on the deets
90
00:03:23,419 --> 00:03:24,920
as soon as we circle back
with Tad, Allen out.
91
00:03:25,004 --> 00:03:26,054
As soon as you do
what with who?
92
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,139
- Hanging up.
- Hello?
93
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:28,674
(phone beeps)
94
00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:33,845
Bing.
95
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:39,484
(man) Welcome, Amy.
96
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,320
Are you thirsty?
Are you hungry?
97
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,721
Did you find your snacks okay?
98
00:03:42,772 --> 00:03:44,323
No, I brought this tea.
99
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,909
Okay, well, the snacks are
here for when you need them.
100
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:47,892
Okay? Snacks.
101
00:03:47,944 --> 00:03:48,994
Okay.
102
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,234
Red leather, yellow leather.
103
00:03:56,286 --> 00:03:58,570
Hey, did Meg and Jess
already do their stuff?
104
00:03:58,621 --> 00:04:00,005
All right, let's just roll it.
105
00:04:00,072 --> 00:04:01,406
Page one, scene one.
106
00:04:01,457 --> 00:04:03,241
You'll hear a beep,
you'll say your lines.
107
00:04:03,293 --> 00:04:04,509
Okay, cool.
108
00:04:06,629 --> 00:04:08,463
(audio playing back)
109
00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:11,016
(beeping)
110
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:14,019
111
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:17,606
I'm pretty and nice.
112
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:22,694
I'm sexy, but I love math.
113
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,696
Karate!
114
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:26,315
(loud thud)
115
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,067
(beeping)
116
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,840
(man) Okay, that was your cue.
117
00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:36,441
Uh, we'll take it again.
118
00:04:36,492 --> 00:04:38,660
Just, when you hear
the beep, say the lines.
119
00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:40,912
That one's me?
(flatulence)
120
00:04:40,964 --> 00:04:43,215
Yep, that's you.
121
00:04:43,282 --> 00:04:45,917
Um, why doesn't my meerkat
have any pants?
122
00:04:45,969 --> 00:04:48,637
Our animation team
is out of Japan,
123
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,422
and they don't have anybody
124
00:04:50,473 --> 00:04:53,475
as big as Dumpy the Frumpy
Meerkat over there,
125
00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:55,560
so they literally
couldn't figure out
126
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,429
how to make pants
to fit on you.
127
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,181
They couldn't even,
you know, fathom it.
128
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:00,649
But it's a cartoon.
129
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:01,984
They can't-- why couldn't
they just draw pants?
130
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,308
It blew their minds.
131
00:05:03,353 --> 00:05:04,319
They had no idea.
They didn't see the point.
132
00:05:04,404 --> 00:05:05,654
(long beep)
133
00:05:07,190 --> 00:05:09,074
Worms.
134
00:05:09,141 --> 00:05:11,276
Okay, we really need you
to drop it down a bunch.
135
00:05:11,327 --> 00:05:12,778
Like a whole bunch.
136
00:05:12,829 --> 00:05:16,314
It's gotta be more like...
(deep voice) "Worms!"
137
00:05:16,366 --> 00:05:19,057
You know, like you really love
worms and you're disgusting.
138
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:23,372
Tell you what, why don't we just have
you do some wild feeding noises?
139
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:24,989
Can you find your snacks?
140
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,542
(munching and mumbling)
141
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,707
Okay, just give me one where
you eat for a little bit
142
00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:34,578
and then you stop to (bleep) and
then go back to eating again.
143
00:05:35,018 --> 00:05:36,601
Paging Ms. Streep!
144
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,553
I mean, you are a star.
You're killing this.
145
00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,505
She is killing this, right?
146
00:05:40,556 --> 00:05:43,608
No, no, no, I think we need
to get me out of this.
147
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,194
Schumes, what are we
talking about here, okay?
148
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,529
You are crushing this.
149
00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:51,817
My character has a pussy.
150
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:53,235
Have you eaten any snacks?
151
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,053
Yes, I have my snacks.
152
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:56,872
I'm sensing you're
not totally jazzed,
153
00:05:56,956 --> 00:06:00,525
but I think I have something
that's gonna change your tune.
154
00:06:00,576 --> 00:06:04,663
Amy, meet...
155
00:06:04,747 --> 00:06:07,082
your action figure.
156
00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:09,000
(motor squeaking)
157
00:06:12,004 --> 00:06:13,204
It's (bleep).
158
00:06:13,256 --> 00:06:15,373
Yeah, the thing
retails for $42.99.
159
00:06:15,425 --> 00:06:19,061
You get 60% of the back end.
160
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:21,980
Worms!
161
00:06:23,099 --> 00:06:25,817
(gobbling) (flatulence)
162
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,219
163
00:06:28,271 --> 00:06:29,554
What was your favorite
cartoon growing up?
164
00:06:29,605 --> 00:06:31,523
Well, movie,
"Little Mermaid."
165
00:06:31,574 --> 00:06:34,432
What character did you most
connect to in "Little Mermaid"?
166
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:35,727
Oh, Ariel.
167
00:06:35,778 --> 00:06:37,162
I connect most to Ursula,
168
00:06:37,229 --> 00:06:39,063
but that's something
that I'm working on
169
00:06:39,115 --> 00:06:41,435
with my therapist
on the Upper West Side.
170
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,322
171
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,490
Hey, girls.
172
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,025
Janice, is that really you?
173
00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:51,243
Uh-huh.
174
00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:53,528
Wow, you look amazing.
175
00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:56,915
You must have had 75 different
expensive surgeries
176
00:06:56,982 --> 00:07:00,752
over the course of many years
to get a great look like that.
177
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:05,257
Nope, I just called Dr. Ron
and Cut 2 The Chase.
178
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,327
Aren't you tired
of plastic surgeons
179
00:07:08,378 --> 00:07:12,431
who tell you to slow down or
think about what you're doing,
180
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:14,883
forcing you to undergo one
surgery after another
181
00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:16,802
till you get the look you want?
182
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,187
Who has
the time or money for that?
183
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,440
At Cut 2 The Chase,
we do it all
184
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:25,009
in just one affordable,
apocalyptic procedure.
185
00:07:25,061 --> 00:07:28,680
Would you like to look like a
human-cat hybrid who eats bees?
186
00:07:28,731 --> 00:07:29,865
Of course you would.
187
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,616
You have
crippling body dysmorphia,
188
00:07:31,684 --> 00:07:33,785
and no one can talk
sense into you.
189
00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:36,905
(woman lisping) I used to hate people
knowing if I was happy or sad.
190
00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:39,190
Now my face and labia
look the same.
191
00:07:39,242 --> 00:07:41,409
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
192
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,502
My college-aged daughter
is really cute,
193
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,704
and that was threatening to me.
194
00:07:52,755 --> 00:07:58,610
But now, my face is the one
threatening her and all children.
195
00:07:59,262 --> 00:08:01,062
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
196
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,231
When I was a human,
I hated it.
197
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,716
Now I poop in sand.
198
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:05,934
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
199
00:08:06,018 --> 00:08:07,018
(meows)
200
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,404
With my patented
Hail Mary technique,
201
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:14,826
I can perform five divorces' worth
of surgery in one easy procedure.
202
00:08:17,947 --> 00:08:19,063
Hmm.
203
00:08:19,115 --> 00:08:21,166
Don't you owe it to yourself
204
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:25,170
to look like you fell into a tank
of chemicals while fighting Batman?
205
00:08:25,237 --> 00:08:29,090
Come to Cut 2 The Chase and get
your first and last procedure.
206
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,575
Cut 2 The Chase.
207
00:08:30,626 --> 00:08:32,177
Because
you're (bleep) shattered.
208
00:08:32,244 --> 00:08:33,295
(meows)
209
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:36,247
210
00:08:36,299 --> 00:08:37,459
Who has good plastic surgery?
211
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,018
Lindsay Lohan, like has
she had plastic surgery?
212
00:08:40,085 --> 00:08:42,020
I don't know. 'Cause
she looks amazing.
213
00:08:42,087 --> 00:08:44,255
I'll always support LiLo,
but like--
214
00:08:44,307 --> 00:08:45,640
You guys call her LiLo.
215
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:47,275
Like I didn't even know
that that was the thing.
216
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,527
That's her name.
217
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:49,694
We were actually just talking
about this today.
218
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:51,262
We think
she's making a comeback.
219
00:08:51,314 --> 00:08:52,314
- Really?
- Yeah.
220
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:54,098
Like in what?
221
00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:55,901
What celebrity do you know
with plastic surgery
222
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,702
that you're like,
"Oh, that worked out."
223
00:08:57,770 --> 00:09:00,906
Well, what celebrity probably
doesn't have plastic surgery?
224
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,324
That's a good question.
225
00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:03,608
- You ask the hard--
- Do you have plastic surgery?
226
00:09:03,659 --> 00:09:05,126
I don't have any money.
Are you serious?
227
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,661
I can't even
get things removed.
228
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:09,481
229
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,916
No, it's hard.
230
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,334
Yeah, well, that's why
they call it charity work.
231
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:13,468
Because it's work.
232
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,886
It's work.
233
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:16,004
Good evening, ladies.
234
00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:17,022
How are you doing tonight?
235
00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:18,340
- Really awesome.
- So good.
236
00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:19,841
My name is Devon,
I'll be taking care of you.
237
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,292
Start you off with anything
to drink?
238
00:09:21,344 --> 00:09:24,062
- Uh, water's fine.
- Water's perfect.
239
00:09:24,129 --> 00:09:27,098
Great, so we have a few specials
in addition to the menu--
240
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:31,670
Listen, before the specials, I have
to tell you I'm allergic to nuts.
241
00:09:31,721 --> 00:09:34,806
My meal cannot have
any nuts in it.
242
00:09:34,857 --> 00:09:36,908
She's insanely
allergic to nuts.
243
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,277
Got it, no nuts.
Not a problem.
244
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,808
We accommodate
allergies all the time.
245
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:41,913
I'll tell the chef.
246
00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:43,615
No, I'm serious.
247
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:46,084
It can't have even
been around nuts.
248
00:09:46,151 --> 00:09:48,703
- Cashews, pecans--
- Pine nuts, peanuts.
249
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:49,921
Yeah, doughnuts, cronuts.
250
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,340
Almonds. Lalmonds.
251
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,508
Dalmonds.
252
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,793
I understand.
253
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:57,095
So our specials are--
254
00:09:57,162 --> 00:10:00,932
Oh, actually, some of the bread
might have some nuts in them.
255
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,834
- Oh, my God!
- Are you serious?
256
00:10:02,885 --> 00:10:04,002
I can't believe
this is happening!
257
00:10:04,053 --> 00:10:05,220
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
258
00:10:05,304 --> 00:10:06,771
What is this?
259
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:07,960
Oh, my God, it's a nut!
260
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,107
It's a little nut!
261
00:10:09,174 --> 00:10:10,295
What did we just say, Devon?
262
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:12,360
Is this (bleep) "Memento"?
263
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,845
Are you an f-ing
goldfish, Devon?
264
00:10:13,896 --> 00:10:15,346
Are we in your fish bowl?
265
00:10:15,398 --> 00:10:17,148
Oh, look, a little
plastic treasure chest.
266
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:19,067
(bleep) you, Devon!
267
00:10:19,151 --> 00:10:20,902
Do you know what would
happen to me if I ate that?
268
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:23,655
Her face will swell up,
she will turn purple.
269
00:10:23,739 --> 00:10:24,823
She will lose oxygen.
270
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,594
- Have you seen "Gravity"?
- I did.
271
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:27,899
Was that your favorite part,
272
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,193
when they lost
(bleep) oxygen, Devon?
273
00:10:29,245 --> 00:10:30,328
Yes.
274
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,713
When I die,
it'll be your fault.
275
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:34,716
You'll have to go to my mother's
door with a folded American flag
276
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,367
and say, "Thank you
for her service.
277
00:10:36,419 --> 00:10:38,086
I'm Devon,
your daughter's killer."
278
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:41,973
Look, I'm really sorry
about the bread.
279
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:46,928
I swear, I will make sure
that your meal is nut-free.
280
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:48,847
Thank you so much.
281
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,098
Okay.
282
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,517
Uh, so our specials tonight.
283
00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:53,652
I think I know what I want.
284
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,553
Oh, yeah, me too.
285
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,988
What do I want?
286
00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:58,389
What do I want?
287
00:10:58,441 --> 00:10:59,607
I'll have--
288
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:02,277
I'll have the nut-- Oh, no.
289
00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:03,778
The arugula salad.
290
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,363
I'll have the arugula salad.
291
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,335
Are there nuts in that?
292
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:07,248
No.
293
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,366
(sighs)
294
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,569
But I will triple-check.
295
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:13,254
- Nice job, Devon.
- Thank you so much.
296
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,573
Thank you.
297
00:11:15,624 --> 00:11:17,408
Aw, he's sweet.
298
00:11:17,460 --> 00:11:20,078
Two arugula salads.
299
00:11:20,129 --> 00:11:22,097
Are there any nuts in those?
300
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,548
Nope.
301
00:11:23,599 --> 00:11:25,600
Great.
302
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,636
303
00:11:35,811 --> 00:11:37,896
(girls screaming)
304
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,565
No!
305
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:42,067
(shrieking)
306
00:11:42,151 --> 00:11:43,785
No!
307
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:48,940
No!
308
00:11:48,991 --> 00:11:51,493
What did we say?!
309
00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:53,828
What did we say?!
310
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:55,113
Everything all right here?
311
00:11:55,164 --> 00:11:56,715
No!
312
00:12:01,704 --> 00:12:04,489
313
00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:09,627
Now, as we all know,
gravity goes down, yes?
314
00:12:09,712 --> 00:12:11,379
But if we all focus,
315
00:12:11,447 --> 00:12:15,116
sometimes gravity can make
things go up.
316
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:19,804
Now, does anyone have
a gum wrapper I could borrow?
317
00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:22,056
Oh, I do.
318
00:12:22,124 --> 00:12:23,174
Wonderful.
319
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:25,260
Thank you.
320
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:26,644
He is so hot.
321
00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:29,264
Yeah, I'm not mad
at that eyeliner either.
322
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:32,517
As we all can see, this gum
wrapper is a rectangle, yes?
323
00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:37,405
Now, if I fold it one more time,
you see it turns into a square.
324
00:12:37,473 --> 00:12:39,858
Now, here's the weird part.
325
00:12:39,942 --> 00:12:46,614
If I were to unwrap this, the wrapper
is right back to how it was.
326
00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:48,816
Oh, my God.
327
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:50,485
Are these even tricks?
328
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:52,036
I'd like to use
a lovely assistant.
329
00:12:52,121 --> 00:12:53,361
Does anybody...?
330
00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:55,256
Shut up!
331
00:12:55,324 --> 00:12:57,041
I have the "lovely"
part taken care of.
332
00:12:57,126 --> 00:12:58,493
Oh, no.
333
00:12:58,544 --> 00:12:59,961
- Too hard?
- Yeah.
334
00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:01,972
No, I'd love
to be your assistant.
335
00:13:01,997 --> 00:13:03,548
Okay, here's what
I want you to do.
336
00:13:03,632 --> 00:13:08,503
I want you to tell me
when to stop.
337
00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:10,305
Stop.
338
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:11,506
Stop.
339
00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:12,524
Stop.
340
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:15,026
Okay.
341
00:13:15,110 --> 00:13:18,396
Now tap this one time.
342
00:13:18,481 --> 00:13:23,234
Okay, this is
a story about a queen.
343
00:13:23,319 --> 00:13:24,486
Aw.
344
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:27,606
Who dated a bunch of a-holes.
345
00:13:27,990 --> 00:13:29,324
It really is your story.
346
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:32,794
Who didn't do Jack
for her, okay?
347
00:13:32,861 --> 00:13:36,464
Until one day, she found
a guy who was too--
348
00:13:36,532 --> 00:13:39,133
eight of clubs,
give me that back--
349
00:13:39,201 --> 00:13:44,372
who was 2 good to be true.
350
00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:49,477
She finally found her King.
351
00:13:49,545 --> 00:13:51,396
Does anybody have a pretzel?
352
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,815
Oh, wait, here's one.
353
00:13:53,882 --> 00:13:55,883
In your nose.
354
00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:58,570
Oh, wow.
355
00:13:58,654 --> 00:14:00,154
Does anyone have a balloon?
356
00:14:00,222 --> 00:14:01,689
I can't believe this.
357
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:03,408
I never thought
this would happen, but--
358
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:04,609
What?
359
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,613
I'm gonna (bleep) a magician.
360
00:14:08,697 --> 00:14:11,616
361
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,275
What? How'd you do that?
362
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:24,212
I'm afraid
that's Victoria's secret.
363
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,380
Ew.
364
00:14:26,549 --> 00:14:28,749
Put this on.
365
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:32,554
Some people say
no glove, no love.
366
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,189
However, quantum mechanics
dictates--
367
00:14:35,257 --> 00:14:37,392
Okay, can you just
put it on, please?
368
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,927
Amy, you make me
feel like an animal.
369
00:14:39,979 --> 00:14:41,613
Okay.
That's-- all right.
370
00:14:41,697 --> 00:14:43,565
Enough, please.
Just, can you--
371
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:46,701
Do you have an unlit match
and a Canadian coin?
372
00:14:46,768 --> 00:14:48,486
No, can you just stop
with the magic?
373
00:14:48,571 --> 00:14:50,071
Like we're naked,
we're in my bed.
374
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,656
Like you did it.
375
00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:54,492
I actually can't
do it tonight.
376
00:14:54,577 --> 00:14:55,710
Why?
377
00:14:55,777 --> 00:14:58,162
'Cause there's something
blocking my way.
378
00:14:58,247 --> 00:14:59,280
What?
379
00:14:59,331 --> 00:15:01,449
(grunts)
380
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,635
Oh, my God!
381
00:15:03,719 --> 00:15:06,220
Oh, my-- ew, ew, ew.
382
00:15:06,288 --> 00:15:08,623
All right, enough.
No more magic.
383
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:11,125
Your wish is my command.
384
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:12,627
Let's still like
a magic saying.
385
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:14,228
Oh.
386
00:15:14,296 --> 00:15:15,463
Man, you're pregnant!
387
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,315
What?
388
00:15:17,399 --> 00:15:18,850
No, I'm not.
389
00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:21,802
Oh, my God.
390
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,021
I can feel it kicking!
391
00:15:23,105 --> 00:15:24,155
Ew!
392
00:15:24,239 --> 00:15:26,024
Josh, this is cra--
393
00:15:28,611 --> 00:15:30,528
Josh?
394
00:15:30,613 --> 00:15:32,330
(wind blowing)
395
00:15:32,414 --> 00:15:33,831
Magic.
396
00:15:33,916 --> 00:15:39,253
He's a man of magic
whoo, whoo
397
00:15:39,321 --> 00:15:40,538
Would you hook up
with a magician?
398
00:15:40,623 --> 00:15:41,756
No.
399
00:15:41,823 --> 00:15:43,424
Have you ever seen
a good magician?
400
00:15:43,492 --> 00:15:45,009
- Yes.
- What did they do?
401
00:15:45,094 --> 00:15:47,345
Um, well, they made my mother
disappear, so it was kind of--
402
00:15:47,429 --> 00:15:48,930
That sounds amazing.
403
00:15:48,997 --> 00:15:50,548
Wait, is this like
a sad story about Shanghai?
404
00:15:50,633 --> 00:15:52,593
- No, no, it's not.
- Oh, okay.
405
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,623
406
00:16:00,509 --> 00:16:04,295
So, gentlemen, you are comedians
for over 20 years now
407
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:05,596
and you are my good friends.
408
00:16:05,681 --> 00:16:08,383
And you're also the most morally
bankrupt human beings
409
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:09,934
on the planet, right?
410
00:16:10,019 --> 00:16:10,918
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
411
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:11,970
Yeah, that's true.
412
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:13,087
Let's talk about it.
413
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,622
Oh, one second.
Over 40 years.
414
00:16:14,690 --> 00:16:17,125
Oh, right.
Are you Moms Mabley?
415
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,693
(laughter)
416
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:19,811
Keith, hit on me.
417
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:21,429
Like if I met you,
what would you--
418
00:16:21,530 --> 00:16:23,410
what would you do if
we were just like at a bar.
419
00:16:23,432 --> 00:16:24,432
What's up, sweetie? You good?
420
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:25,650
Yeah, I'm good.
421
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,869
No, he's talking to me,
Florentine.
422
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,987
Talking to her!
423
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:30,321
Okay, I don't know you.
424
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,290
Yeah, there we go.
How you doing?
425
00:16:32,374 --> 00:16:34,242
- I'm fine.
- You fine?
426
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:35,609
That's what I'm talking about.
427
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,111
Okay, I'm gonna
call the police.
428
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,796
You ever date
a black man before?
429
00:16:38,881 --> 00:16:40,081
(Kelly)
I actually felt scared.
430
00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:41,749
He's very uncouth, too.
431
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,334
I remember Marina Franklin,
a friend of ours,
432
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,619
one time, he was
just saying stupid things
433
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,921
about where he would take her,
434
00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:48,723
to Subway
or Burger King for dinner--
435
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,008
When they were dating, right?
436
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:51,225
Yeah, and then they'd
have to be in the car,
437
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:52,343
and I'm not gonna get a hotel.
438
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:54,128
And she just said,
"Who raised you?"
439
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:55,513
I thought it was
the greatest thing ever.
440
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:56,664
"Who raised you?"
441
00:16:56,732 --> 00:16:58,012
Well, I'm assuming
just your mom.
442
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,150
No-- oh, you...
443
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,102
(laughter)
444
00:17:01,236 --> 00:17:03,304
(knock on door)
445
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:04,972
Oh, wait,
this might be Rachel.
446
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,525
We're just talking about what
dirtbags these guys are.
447
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:08,493
Oh, they really are worthless.
448
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:09,977
They're really pieces--
449
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,997
In order, who would be the
biggest piece of crap, in order?
450
00:17:13,082 --> 00:17:15,833
I think you would be most
traumatized by (bleep) Norton.
451
00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:16,984
- Oh, absolutely.
- Right?
452
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,453
Probably.
453
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,864
But I wouldn't hit on you
because you're like a comic.
454
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,540
I would never get you drunk
and try to (bleep) you,
455
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:25,593
but if we did
have sex, you'd regret it.
456
00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,462
(laughter)
457
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:30,715
Have you guys gotten a good amount
of (bleep) from being a comic?
458
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:31,933
What?
459
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:33,217
What?
460
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,635
The only reason I get it.
461
00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:36,020
Have you ever not-- Why
do you think we do this?
462
00:17:36,105 --> 00:17:37,855
You think we love
the "art of comedy"?
463
00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:39,390
Then why do we do it?
464
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,942
- 'Cause, like--
- Yeah, no.
465
00:17:41,009 --> 00:17:42,443
We've been asking
the same question.
466
00:17:42,511 --> 00:17:45,012
(laughter)
467
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:48,349
What would you rather do?
Kiss, have sex, or blow?
468
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,567
With Keith.
469
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:52,537
How about "D," sit on his face
and read my tweets?
470
00:17:52,621 --> 00:17:53,687
(laughter)
471
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,189
I'll take that.
472
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,658
Even when Keith talks
about sex, it's just stupid.
473
00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:00,294
He's always going, "I got
three pumps for you."
474
00:18:00,362 --> 00:18:02,482
I can make her do what she
needs to do in three pumps.
475
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:03,631
That's all I'm saying.
476
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:04,916
Fall asleep?
477
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,240
Like literally
drool on herself?
478
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:07,385
Blow the whistle?
479
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,370
(laughter)
480
00:18:09,471 --> 00:18:10,972
What do you think
we're like in bed?
481
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,206
Like what do you think?
482
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:13,758
I think you both stink in bed.
483
00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:15,726
Who would put out first
out of these two?
484
00:18:15,811 --> 00:18:17,311
(all) Amy!
485
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:18,879
How dare you?
486
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:22,433
I guarantee Rachel tries to give
meaningful looks during sex.
487
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,238
Ew! That's disgusting.
488
00:18:24,319 --> 00:18:25,937
She does this...
489
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:27,221
"Look at me, look at me.
490
00:18:27,322 --> 00:18:28,272
Oh, Bobby."
491
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:29,740
(laughter)
492
00:18:29,825 --> 00:18:32,910
Jim has several lines that
he says works on any girl.
493
00:18:32,995 --> 00:18:35,435
I would play some crummy gig
in the middle of Pennsylvania,
494
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,664
white-trash girl.
495
00:18:36,731 --> 00:18:37,949
I'd go,
"Hey, come out to my car."
496
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:39,400
We'd sit in the car.
497
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:42,420
I would just go, "Look, do you mind
if I masturbate while we kiss?"
498
00:18:42,504 --> 00:18:45,006
I'd go, "I got a long ride home.
You don't have to touch it."
499
00:18:45,073 --> 00:18:47,959
Nine out of ten times,
within one minute,
500
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:49,427
they had their hand
or their mouth on it.
501
00:18:49,511 --> 00:18:52,463
What woman gets jealous when
they see a guy masturbating?
502
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:55,082
It's not like we're like,
"Wait, there can be dick?"
503
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,635
That's not like
an exciting prospect.
504
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,470
We all know the dick
is available.
505
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,022
(Amy)
We know there will be dick.
506
00:19:01,089 --> 00:19:04,142
The psychology behind it is
that you-- like we like vagina.
507
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,726
If you took your boob out
or your vagina,
508
00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:06,978
we'd be like,
"Oh, my God, we love that."
509
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:08,229
Thank you, thank you.
510
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,530
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
511
00:19:09,598 --> 00:19:12,450
If you see a penis,
you like that, too.
512
00:19:12,534 --> 00:19:14,869
You're wrong.
You're wrong.
513
00:19:14,936 --> 00:19:16,787
When you see a penis,
you don't go,
514
00:19:16,872 --> 00:19:18,272
"Wow, I wanna
put it in my (bleep)?"
515
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,624
No.
516
00:19:19,708 --> 00:19:21,042
Really?
517
00:19:21,109 --> 00:19:22,827
That's why a dick pic
is not exciting...
518
00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:24,111
- Yeah.
- ...to a woman.
519
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,246
No woman wants a dick pic.
520
00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:26,797
That's wrong.
521
00:19:26,882 --> 00:19:28,049
No, they're lying to you.
522
00:19:28,116 --> 00:19:29,967
No.
No.
523
00:19:30,052 --> 00:19:32,470
No, the women he's talking
about have penises, too.
524
00:19:32,554 --> 00:19:35,973
So they're actually exchanging,
exchanging dick pics.
525
00:19:36,058 --> 00:19:37,175
They're comparing.
526
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,626
Oh, if only I could deny it.
527
00:19:38,727 --> 00:19:40,311
(laughter)
528
00:19:40,395 --> 00:19:43,397
529
00:19:43,465 --> 00:19:47,518
I'm trying to date guys that are
not comedians, which is so hard.
530
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,487
I was hooking up
with this guy the other day--
531
00:19:49,571 --> 00:19:51,405
well, is it hooking up if you're
just pushing their head down
532
00:19:51,473 --> 00:19:53,157
like you're trying
to set off dynamite?
533
00:19:53,242 --> 00:19:55,326
But...
534
00:19:55,410 --> 00:19:56,661
Get!
535
00:19:56,745 --> 00:20:01,949
Uh, so I was out
with this civilian and...
536
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,880
and he was like talking to me
like I was a girl.
537
00:20:03,919 --> 00:20:05,152
He was trying
to use a line on me.
538
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:08,706
He's like, "Damn, girl,
those eyes."
539
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:12,126
And I was like, "No."
540
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:15,329
He's like, "What?"
I'm like, "Eh, like I'm 32.
541
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,298
"If my eyes were a thing,
542
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:20,468
I would have heard about it
by now, you know?"
543
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:22,336
And I'm like,
"What are you going for?
544
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:24,105
"Like I'm gonna (bleep) you.
You showed up.
545
00:20:24,172 --> 00:20:25,940
That was half the battle."
546
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:28,726
547
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,394
A magical story--
548
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:31,845
(laughs)
549
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,137
(laughs)
550
00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:36,901
You all know that
age-old story of the--
551
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:39,853
Just relax.
552
00:20:39,955 --> 00:20:41,739
(laughs)
553
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:43,524
(laughs) ...in your nose.
554
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,359
In your nose. (laughs)
555
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,912
Maybe it's not.
556
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:50,030
(laughter)
557
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,365
Should we just cut this scene?
558
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,383
(whispers) Yes.
559
00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:53,467
(woman) So easy.
560
00:20:53,535 --> 00:20:55,136
Magic
561
00:20:56,361 --> 00:21:02,361
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
562
00:21:02,411 --> 00:21:06,961
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38940
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