All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s01e06 Meth Lab.eng

Amy, you look amazing--
what are you doing?

Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig?

Yeah, right.

Those take too much
self-control.

Last time I checked,
I wasn't a robot.

Boop-boop-boop, nope.

How'd you do it?

With Slap Chef.

With Slap Chef.

With Slap Chef.

Slap Chef, what's that?

It's a new weight-loss
program that takes

decision-making
out of the equation.

How does it work?

First, one of
Slap Chef's world-class chefs

makes you one
of their signature dishes.

Then before you can say
Slap Chef,

they knock it out
of your stupid mouth.

Slap Chef!

What kind of food
do they make?

All kinds.

Sandwiches.

Slap Chef!

Lobster bisque
with cr?me fra?che.

Slap Chef!
(bleep)

Turkey.

Slap Chef!

Fettucine Alfredo.

But what if I fight back?

Go for it.

All of the chefs are trained
in the art of tai chew moi.

I swear to God if you ever
touch me again I'll--

Slap Chef.

What about that
mumbo-jumbo I heard about

Slap Chef being just abject
violence against women?

Hmm?

Slap Chef.

Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

Do you guys remember,
like, do you remember bread?

Remember?

Do you remember
this, white girls, bread?

It's mostly made of bread.

You would
eat it and feel good.

You wouldn't like, cut yourself
and cry and be, like,

"How can I do
this to America?"

Let's just eat bread again.

Men don't care,
they don't care.

So I guess, like, some guys,

they wanna sleep with a girl
that's, like,

a skeleton wrapped in plastic.

That's fine if that's what
you want.

But I'm gonna keep eating

and showering
infrequently, uh...

It is time for our "Get Up"
makeover six-month follow up.

I love this.

I know how you do.

- You might remember Amy.
- Sure.

Whose co-workers thought
this overworked

people pleaser
needed a day of pampering

and a new look to snag
her a man.

Oh.

Wow, that is hideous.

- Ohh...
- Somebody's gonna die alone.

So six months ago,

Lisa, our makeover expert--

- I love her.
- I know.

She's the best in
the business.

She went to work and she
turned that into this.

That's a beautiful woman.

- I know.
- She looks terrific.

She looks great.

So Lisa is at her house live--

- Hmm?
- And we're gonna check in

and see how she's been
maintaining her new look.

Hi guys, I am so excited to see
Amy and how pretty she looks.

Oh!

I'm sorry, I think I may
have the wrong house, I--

Amy?

Yeah, you
have the right house.

623 Supermodel Lane.

Get in here, you lifesaver.

- Oh.
- Hi!

Oh, my God.

I knew that you would think

I wouldn't be able to keep this
look going on, but check it out!

I did it, girl!

We did it!

What happened to your--
your hair?

Well, you know what,
I knew if I shampooed it,

I would lose
this beachy-wave thing

that you guys created,

so I just been skipping it.

I mean, you were right.

I don't have to blow-dry it.

I don't have to wash it.

It's so easy.

No, I definitely never said
you didn't have to wash it.

- I thought you said that.
- I never said that.

So...

Why is there an elliptical
in the bathtub?

- Oh, you know what?
- Oh, my God.

I never had space for it before,
but I just thought, you know,

now that the bathroom's kind
of like irrelevant,

just go for it, you know?

I mean, why not have a fierce booty
to match my slamming new style?

Oh, my God.

You haven't been
showering, is that--

Uh, no, no.

But people have been showering me...
with compliments.

Well, it looks like you haven't
even washed your face.

Okay, okay,
yeah, you know what?

I loved that smokey-eye thing
that you guys did,

so I knew I couldn't recreate
it, so I just let it bake in.

Well, you didn't have
to recreate it.

It's just mascara,
just an extra layer.

It's easy.

Right, right, right,
but I'm like a total idiot.

So that's why it's important
that I'm hot.

Have you even changed
your clothes?

No, I didn't.

And now I can't.

Excuse me, ma'am...
is this your residence?

We've had some complaints
about a foul smell here.

Hi, I live here.

Uh, the neighbors are worried
that someone may have died.

Oh, no, nobody died,
but my body is sick.

Hi, I'm Amy.

Boyfriend alert.

- Hi.
- Hi.

If there's one
thing that you could change

about the way you look,
what would it be?

The way I look?

I don't even really
think about that.

Well, think about it now.

You're pulling
off braces pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I used to wear
braces on my legs.

Have you ever
had sex with a fat chick?

- Yes.
- How was it?

It was so funny.

If she would've sneezed, she
could've threw me into the TV.

Me trying to hold her legs to
the bed to try to do that,

and if she would've sneezed she
could've tossed me across my bed.

The old saying,
if she would've sneezed,

- I would've been in my TV.
- Correct.

Ooh...

I think I left most
of myself in there.

Uh, I'm telling ya.

I was seeing stars
at one point.

I always tell people

no one stinks up a bathroom
like my brother Skeet.

I'll tell you what.

That's what I tell them.

- No, Becky!
- What!

Don't mix those two things.

It's very explosive.

I'm sorry I yelled at ya.

I know you got the blinks now, but
we've gotta get this batch right.

If we can do that,

we can move out of this dump and
move into where dreams comes true.

Yeah, that's right, Skeet.

Good-bye Kansas City, Kansas.

Hello, Kansas City, Missouri.

Hmm.

We'll go fishin' like
we used to, right, Skeeter?

That's right, Beck.

And we're gonna be using real
fishin' wire this time.

Oh, that's right, Skeet.

Oh, our best days
lie ahead of us.

- No, Becky...
- What!

Holy Moses.

What the hell?

Oh, my God, Beck,
don't look down.

What? Why?

What, ah, I got no damn arms!

Yeah, it seems like
they come up missing.

I can still
go fishin', right, Skeet?

Sure, sure you can.

Uh, yeah, we'll
go fishin' still, yeah.

I mean, we could still kick
possums around the coal mine.

You don't need no arms for--

for possum kicking,
do you, Skeet?

Yeah, I suppose you don't
kick with your arms, yeah.

Hey, listen, pumpkin.

I'm gonna go put
these in some ice

and call an ambulance,
all right?

No, they'll put us
in jail for sure.

I'll just use this here towel

to stop the bleeding.

No, Becky Lee!

Oh!

Oh, jeez.

Beck, where are ya?

- Beck?
- Skeet?

Holy Moses.

I can't seem to
feel my legs, Skeet.

That's 'cause you
ain't got none, Beck.

Oh, makes sense then.

Well, we can still
do all those things

we talked about,
right, Skeeter?

Uh, yeah, sure, sure.

I guess you could put my torso
on a log by the creek.

And I could sing
one of my good songs?

Sure, we can do all that.

Your torso's gonna
see the world.

It sure is, Skeet.

What are you doing now?

I need to cauterize the wound.

No, Beck!

We're gonna make it,
right, Skeet?

That's right, Beck.

Hey, how 'bout ya sing us
one of them good songs?

- Did you almost die ever?
- Um... yeah.

My cousins would call it the first
kid to ever die off of marijuana.

You got that high.

Yeah, and I kinda
like passed out.

- That would be the slowest death.
- Ever.

Oh, my gosh.

- But you still do it?
- Yeah.

You have to be real careful
not to do drugs and black out

'cause you can wind up
with your own

mother(bleep) TV show!

You've tried Slap Chef.

But that just left you hungry
and with a searing headache.

And those other weight-loss
programs are exhausting.

Can't I just do nothing?

What if I told you you could
with Sleep Gym?

I'd say sign me up.

But what's Sleep Gym?

Sleep Gym is a workout program
where we do all the work.

Huh?

Are you from Sleep Gym?

After we induce you into a coma,
it's off to the gym.

As the Sleep Gym trainers take your
body through strenuous workouts,

the increased blood flow painlessly
burns the calories away.

You'll never have to feel
yourself doing annoying things

like hiking, kickboxing,

the official bootcamp of the
United States Navy Seals.

Move it, you sleepy
piece of (bleep)!

All right, see you later, Mom!

Where are you going?

The gym.

Sleep Gym, order now.

I dated a wrestler
this past summer,

yeah, yeah,
I dated a wrestler.

And that was not
my world, I don't know--

I knew nothing, I didn't know
how to talk to him.

He'd be like,
"I'm going to work."

I'd be like, "Have a great
contest!"

He's like, what?

I'd be like, "Who are you
wrestling tonight, Stillborn?"

He's like, "That's not a name,"
I'm like, "Okay."

And we were just, like, way
different in the bedroom, you know,

like, we had different styles.

His style was like, really
energetic and like moving around

and, like, my style, like, what I
like, I like to, like, lay there.

So...

You're gonna be
obsessed with Amy,

she is the best trainer
I've ever had.

Perfect, I need this.

I've been so bad lately.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Oh, I see some of you are back
for more, love it.

Let's get started, warm-ups,
jumping jacks,

you know 'em, you love 'em.

This is not an exercise class.

This is a funeral for
the fat you, okay?

Let me tell you something.

You will not be missed.

By the time you leave here,

your titties are gonna be
squirting Muscle Milk.

Is that something you're
interested in-- I am.

All right, keep eye contact
with yourself in the mirror,

look at who you are.

Is that who you want to be?

Let's get to know each other
while we're here today.

Maybe after.

That's good, ladies.

Bring it down for the step
and touch, step and touch.

Great heat
coming off your broiler.

People tell you that?

No, nope, no one's ever.

- I think we can turn up the temp.
- Whoa!

All right, look, I'm not
gonna mince words with you,

sweethearts--
this workout is hard.

You will be a weapon
with a (bleep) on it.

Hey.

I like this, you didn't
have this last time.

Okay, squat it down.

Hold it here.

Go lower.

By the time you leave here, you
will literally be unrapeable.

That's right.

All right, ladies,
forehead planks.

Get down, hit it, hit it.

Hit it!

Keep it down.

This does technically violate
the Geneva Convention.

Waterboarding my (bleep), this
is the real torture right here.

This is the real torture!

A lot of people don't know,

this is the exercise that broke
up Anne Heche and Ellen.

Maybe you didn't
know they were together,

that was a big news item
for a while.

Do not tweet that, I should
not have even said that.

That is not--

That's privileged information,
forget I said that.

Just hold it down here,
okay, hold it down!

If you commit to this
workout here today,

your abs are
gonna be so tight,

you won't be able to
have children.

Maybe your boyfriend's
cool with that.

I don't know, maybe
you don't have a boyfriend.

Maybe you're of
a different persuasion.

I'm sorry?

Kegel!

Here we go.

Draw your vagina in
and hold it so tight

so you could, like, rip a dick
in half, you know,

or some other metaphor
that's more personal to you.

- You doing 'em?
- Yep.

- Really?
- Yes, I am.

'Cause you know, if you cheat,
you're only cheating yourself.

I know, that's why
I'm doing them.

I mean, I'll check,
it'll be my pleasure.

Oh, okay.
Now you're doing 'em.

I want to tell you guys
a little story, okay,

a story about
a little fat girl,

a little fat girl with
a heart of gold.

All she wanted to do is eat
Dunkaroos and watch "DuckTales."

I punched her in the face
because she was a pussy!

I hope there aren't
any pussies in here,

'cause I eat pussy
for breakfast.

She eats pussies
for breakfast.

- Do what she says!
- Pussy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know we were talking.

Is this HBO's "In Treatment"?

Is that what you think this is?

I don't think it's HBO's
"In Treatment."

Oh no, what do you
think it is?

I'd love to hear
what you think it is.

You've got my attention, what
are you gonna do about it?

Whoa!

Whoa, stay away from my window,
Melissa Etheridge.

Chill it out right now.

- I'm so sorry, I think we--
- Wrong team.

I think I misunderstood.

I'm a dick lady.

I love dick.

That's what I do--
Tons of dick.

Round-the-clock dick,
dick parade.

Anyway, everybody line up.

Uterus thrusts, okay.

And I don't want you to feel
weird about what just happened

when you just tried
to kiss me.

Okay, here we go, don't be a stranger
to the person in front of you.

Thrust it, feel it, okay?

Okay, that's enough,
that's-- that's good.

Keep it just moving
around the room, okay.

Keep it moving
around the room.

I-- I do women, actually.

I'm not a lesbian--
I look like a lesbian.

You do, you do,
you could be gay.

But people think I'm gay.

- When I'm (bleep) them out.
- Yeah.

What type of a person would you
guys have a threesome with?

Would she have to be,
like, clean?

Did you say,
"Would she have to be clean?"

Uh-huh, you want it
to be a dude?

No, I would want it to be a
girl, I just find it, you know,

- funny, 'cause you were--
- That I assumed it?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I'm obviously
feeling that we have a vibe.

But what kind of a girl,
other than, like, you know,

a comedian who grew up
on Long Island?

You tried Slap Chef.

You tried Sleep Gym.

But now it's time to try
something that really works.

Introducing Sever Spine,
the new way to lose weight

by eliminating your
nervous system altogether.

By harnessing
the power of atrophy,

Sever Spine gets rid of all
those unwanted muscles.

I wanted to lose weight for
my high school reunion,

but I didn't
have a lot of time.

Thanks, Sever Spine.

How'd you like to get between
those two chopsticks, huh?

Take a number.

Are you one of the millions who
tried Slap Chef, Sleep Gym,

Sever Spine and suffered serious
injury or lost wages?

Hi, I'm Martin Davis of the law
offices of Wakovy & Davis.

Our legal team specializes in recovering
monies for innocent victims like you.

Remember that fat ass?

Yuck.

Hi, I'm Martin Daniels.

My eating was out of control,
and exercise?

Forget it.

That is,
until I invented these.

Sit 'Em Ups!

You can do these things
everywhere.

On the living room,
in front of a house,

in the bathroom during
a fancy dinner party.

It just seems like
a regular sit-up.

Well, it is!

Why do I need you
to tell me to do sit-ups?

Can't I just do sit-ups
and not pay you money?

Let me ask you something.

Before I said, "Do sit-ups,"

were you thinking
about doing sit-ups?

- No.
- Then shut your fat mouth!

Sit 'Em Ups! Order now!

So, Dominique,
you are a ballerina.

Yes, I am.

When I think of a ballerina,

I think of very sort of
buttoned up and repressed.

- That's not right?
- No.

The first thing when I tell
people that I'm a dancer,

- they think a pole-- it's really funny.
- Really?

You're not coming in
as stripper to me, like,

I'm not like, oh, this
girl (bleep) for money.

I know!

You actually have to
shift your hips a lot.

But not in the typically
sexy way, like,

when you think a ballerina's
hips, you're not like--

Like, you know, you have
to pull your dick out.

If you think about it, we try and
pick our legs up as high as possible,

so it actually has always been
an on-the-low sexy thing.

Right.

No, it's no secret, like, if
a girl can put her leg up here,

like, that seems
it would be easier

to put a (bleep)
right in there.

That's the thinking, right?

Do you think you are better at,
like, sex than most people

because you're flexible?

Actually, I definitely had
guys who just expect you

to just do splits all the time.

That's so gross. Just like--

Yeah, it's like, even sexually,

it's like, maybe sometimes you
don't want to put your legs

- over your head, you know.
- Exactly.

Luckily, no one ever
expects anything from me.

How much percent of the day
would you say you're hungry?

You always want
something to eat,

but you can never actually
eat a whole meal

because you always
have to be ready

to do a little workout
where you can fit it in.

Do people look
mostly overweight to you?

I think when we're
in the studio,

I'll have that feeling of,

"Am I the biggest dancer
in the room?

Oh my goodness ""

You should be a comedian.

I am always the most
gorgeous person in the room.

Like, if your boyfriend
were to take you

to the perfect restaurant,
what would it be?

Would it literally be,
like, a birdfeeder?

I'm gonna list food and you
tell me if you would eat that.

Mac and cheese.

No, definitely not.

Have you ever eaten
a whole donut?

No.

Not since I was a kid, maybe.

Pizza with prosciutto,
asparagus and parmesan cheese,

- like a brick oven--
- It sounds really great--

Oh wait, no, I'm just ordering
something, I'm sorry.

Are there straight
male ballerinas?

There are.

Do girls just,
like, fight over them?

Just like, just-- buns
being ripped out and blood

when there's a stray dude
around or what?

I never wanted to
date within my class.

Like, meaning financially?

No!

I meant within our studio.

Oh, okay.

Have you ever gotten drunk?

- No.
- You should try it.

I think you'd be
really fun to see drunk.

It would probably be good for you
to lose control a couple times,

and this is coming from someone
who has, you know,

shown their breasts at many
horse races and just bars,

kind of, for fun.

Do you do any-- anything?

Any recreational
substance abuse?

No, unless you count chocolate,

which is really
bad for a ballerina.

I don't, I don't
count chocolate.

I mean, it's not
an addiction that--

You're never gonna (bleep)
for chocolate.

Are you a good dancer?

I could possibly, you know,
do a little one-two.

Really?

I don't know, are you
gonna show me something?

Like, I'm working
with something.

What are you working with?
Let's see.

I don't know, you show me a step
that you do out in the clubs,

I don't know.

I really don't like to dance
out on the street, but, what?

What do you call that?

I dropped something.

Wait, what's happening?

I want to see you, like, drop it
like it's hot, let me see it, uhh.

Yeah, like a sudden drop--
Yeah, get it.

You do it better
than me, I'm jealous.

You're not even
really doing it,

you just look like
you're punching me.

- No, Becky Lee!
- Wahh!

(bleep).

Stop trying to make me laugh
with your snorting, you (bleep).

Heeeeaaaaaat!

Keep that.

We're...

When you're in a coma,
your eyes cross, right?

So easy.

Mmm, magic.

Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
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