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[Edvard Grieg's "Morning Mood" plays]

[Snoring]

[Alarm beeps]

Look, Dad. I'm helping.

Oh, boy. Thank you. What very exciting help.

What? What?

- Dora... - I'm pretending to be political

to get out of a Spanish test.

Sure, of course. Like you do.

Come on, Andy. You're gonna be late.

If you let me go to online school like I suggested,

- I'd already be there! - [Cellphone rings]

Mm-hmm. Your shirt's inside out,

and you might want to do something about that hair.

Cooper Contracting. Hey, Ron.

Uh-huh. Today? Hold on.

Andy, no!

Uh, it's a little tricky 'cause I got the kids,

but, uh...

You know what? I'll make it work.

I'll see you at 3:00.

- Okay. - [Bunny gasps]

Okay, scoop it up.

It's still good. Let's eat.

Woman: Root your leg into the ground.

Extend your arm branches into the sky.

[Exhales]

Oh!

So, I got a last-minute inspection this afternoon.

I hate to be Mr. Bummer, but since your mom's out of town,

you two will have to take the bus home.

- Don't worry, Dad. We'll make it work. - Once Andy gets his license,

the bus thing'll be a thing of the past.

And, Bunny, I'll call your favorite babysitter, Jenny,

and have her pick you up from dance class.

She can't. She had to go to Cancun, 'cause her Grandma died. Wink, wink.

Good to know.

- Okay, I'll call Magda. - She's in Poland.

Her sister's getting married, but it's a big mistake.

You have very interesting conversations with your baby-sitters.

All right. I'll call... Let's see.

- I'll call... - What about Alice?

Yeah. What about Alice?

Um...

Oh, is that, like, uncomfortable?

Like, asking her to pick up your kid?

Honestly, it doesn't really seem like her thing.

Uh...

The last time you uhh-ed like that

was when I asked if you've smoked pot before.

Oh, what was the answer, by the way?

Uhh... You know what, Bunny?

I will ask Alice.

Because it's totally not a big deal

- in any way, shape, or form. - [Doorbell rings]

This may seem like a big deal in some way, shape, or form,

- but it's totally not. - He wants a kidney. I knew it.

Could you pick up Bunny from dance class today and drive her home?

This is worse! Give him a kidney!

Mary: This is Alice. When she was a kid,

she dreamed up me to be her BFF.

Now my girl has finally fallen in love,

but she's in way over her head. So I'm back to help!

- I've got this all figured out. - No, you don't.

No, I don't.

Pick up Bunny from dance class?

No, we can't. Thank you. Goodbye.

I'll be home right after.

- I just have a work thing that popped up. - Not our problem, Mr. Mom.

Uh... let me check my schedule.

You know, if it's inconvenient, you could just say so.

If you pick up the child of a man you are dating,

- you are breaking the mom seal. - What?

Oh, I-I just said, if it's inconvenient...

- Yup! Sure, sure. - If you do this one mom thing,

then it's gonna be all mom things all the time.

I promise, it's just a one-time thing.

And if you're going to pretend to check your calendar,

at least open the app, rookie.

Look, I know it's a huge favor,

but you'd really be saving me.

I'll give you a foot massage and snuggles.

Well, I had a foot massage and snuggles

scheduled for this afternoon, but I'll cancel it. I'm in.

- Really? - Really.

- Really? - Amazing! Oh, my God.

Thank you so much! This is so great.

It's no big deal. I've given people rides before.

This is just a ride for a smaller person.

Exactly. So it'll be cake.

- Mad cake. - Calm down.

- Oh, and, Alice, don't worry. - I'm not.

I'll call the dance studio and tell them you're coming

so they know you aren't a kidnapper,

but could you just fax them a copy of your driver's license

and proof of insurance?

Bunny should be happy, but if she's grumpy,

just play Radio Disney.

And bring a snack, but no nuts.

Well, you can bring peanuts, just not tree nuts,

- not after the incident. - Okay, slow down.

Don't worry. You're gonna be fine. I love you. Bye.

Oh, and don't worry, she has her booster.

[Whispering] What's a booster?

Part of a spaceship, duh!

[Sighs]

We're gonna need help.

Okay, we have a major situation on our hands.

Okay, before you get all mad,

what is the point of doing PR for pro athletes

if we can't date them?

Preach!

I have to pick up Ben's youngest daughter

from ballet class, and I need you

to tell me how to do that. Go.

Bring some juice. Kids like juice.

Maybe, like, an iPad. Two iPads.

Frisbee. When I was a kid, I loved Frisbee.

Do any of you actually have children?

Ew.

Who has children?!

There's a lady in accounting

who seems like she's doing the best she can.

A booster is a portable car seat for young kids.

Slash part of a spaceship. Agree to disagree.

You put it in your backseat.

You put it in your backseat!

I do not like this lady.

- [Clears throat] - Definitely bring a snack.

Nothing you ate when you were a child.

It all causes cancer.

- Something that you would eat today. - Spicy tuna.

Regular tuna? Hand roll? Cut roll?

Just tell me what to bring.

- Carrots. - I was just about to say that.

"Car-rots."

Megan, you are a lifesaver.

I cannot thank you enough.

[Brakes squeal]

[Sighs] Later, Davrosh.

Thank you for the mints and tiny waters.

Five stars for sure.

Ben: Um, Andy, Dora?

- That's an unusual bus. - Dad, don't be mad.

You said we could take Uber home from school

if we ever really needed to.

And today, we really needed to.

This is a loose interpretation of "really needed to."

What's wrong with the bus?

Uh, well, for starters,

the driver-to-passenger ratio is outrageous.

Dad, the bus stop is, like, a block away.

Who has the time?

Okay, new rule... No more Ubers.

[Scoffs] How are we supposed to get anywhere?

Simple. Andy will get his driver's license.

Enough putting it off. All you have left is the road test.

Mnh, uh, no, I'm good.

Come on! When I was your age, I was dying to get my license.

I could finally drive myself to the movies.

Netflix.

- The mall. - Amazon.

- The record store. - Both: Spotify,

Apple Music, Tidal.

I'm starting to understand a lot more about my credit card bill.

Dad, everyone knows that, in five years,

cars will be driving themselves.

Okay, but for now, let's get your license,

and then in five years, we'll reassess.

I'm making you an appointment at the DMV.

- I don't want my license. - You will drive, Andy!

- Never! - Oh, you won't be saying

that when I buy you a car.

- I'll reject that car. - Oh, really?

You're gonna reject an entry-level offering

from a luxury brand?

I don't care how luxurious it is, I will never get in it.

I'm getting you a car, and you're gonna drive it.

And you're gonna feel the wind in your hair.

- I'll shave my head. - And the sun on your back.

- I'll wear a turtleneck sweater! - And the freedom of the open road.

- Ah... - And that is final!

Now give me a kiss.

Andy?

I love you.

Wow. The auto industry's

got their hooks in him pretty deep.

- [Engine shuts off] - Oh, why am I so nervous?

All I'm doing is picking up a child

and putting her in the car.

Kidnappers do it every day! How hard can it be?

We can still drive away. "Thelma & Louise" it.

Ooh, I'm Susan Sarandon!

- They both die. - Huh. Never saw it.

Besides, I made a promise.

Fine! If your heart is set on this,

you know what we need.

Do it! Uh-huh.

- [Alicia Keys' "Girl on Fire" playing] - Now, this is how we get psyched.

- All right. Okay. - She got both feet on the ground

- I'm feeling it. - Damn right you are!

Now, tell me... Who made the hot list

of best PR executives when she was 27?

- That's me. - Who was asked to prom as a freshman?

C'est moi.

And who won their sixth grade spelling bee by a mile?

- Steve Cribbs. - But who came in a distant second

without studying like a nerd?

I did!

Both: This girl is on fire!

Whoo!

[Muffled] This girl is on fire

You can do anything. You're smart. You're hot.

Now let's go get what's-her-face from ballet!

Be cool, act nonchalant. You do this all the time.

That was a tad on the nose.

- Alice! - Bunny!

- How was class? - Good. I'm hungry.

Kale chips, apple slices, or yogurt?

Apples.

- What?! - And I'm cold.

Oh.

- Yes! - And I'm thirsty.

- Mary: Nice! - And bored.

Boom! You are nailing this!

- Woman: I thought I had them. - Girl: Mom!

Do you need snacks? We have extra.

Thank you.

I'm over-prepared and super experienced.

[Whispering] Okay, Bunny, let's roll.

Why were we so scared of breaking the mom seal?

This is mad cake.

You know what? Let's not go home right away.

Maybe we should get some fro yo.

What do you think?

- Yeah... - [Thuds]

[Gasps]

- Oh, no. - Holy crap, you broke it!

- Are you okay? - I hit my head. It hurts.

Oh! It's okay. We got this. Wipe your prints and run!

Okay, Bunny, it's okay.

I know what to do because I am a grown-up,

and grown-ups know what to do, okay?

So let's do it.

[Tires screech]

Can't this thing go any faster?

Uh, ma'am, I think she's okay.

I made a rooster.

Listen, mister, when you have kids,

you can tell me how much to worry, okay?

I have six kids.

Well, aren't you fertile!

And congrats. That's a lot of kids.

But I work with athletes,

and you can never tell how serious a concussion is.

She could be bleeding to death inside her head right now!

But you're not. Honey, you're gonna be fine.

Your daddy's gonna meet us at the hospital.

[Whispering] For brain surgery.

[Normal voice] God, step on it, and give me some siren!

[Siren wailing]

Ben: All right.

Seat belt's fastened, mirror's checked.

Now start the car.

Should we check traffic and weather together on the 8s?

Andy, just start the car.

You need the practice, bud.

Okay, here I go.

Pulling out into possible gridlock

and God knows what kind of weather system.

- Dad, I am scared to drive! - What?

Just like I was to run, bike, and skip.

Why are you even surprised?

I don't know what you're saying right now.

I mean, I still think self-driving cars

will be the way of the future,

but, for now, I'm just not ready.

Look, it's okay to be scared,

but do you think I'd want you driving

if I didn't think you were ready?

- Come on. You got this. - [Pats knee]

- Hit it. - [Cellphone chimes]

- Okay. - Stop the car.

Bunny's at the hospital.

Oh, thank God! I mean, is she okay?

[Quietly] Oh, thank you, God.

- Daddy! - Oh, hey, sweetie.

Are you feeling okay?

- Yeah, I had the best day ever! - [Chuckles]

Mr. Cooper, as you can see, your daughter's fine.

Your girlfriend, however, was pretty riled up.

We gave her a sedative.

Thank you.

[Grunts]

Hey.

Why am I here?

Please take me to my apartment

where I can die of shame in peace.

Come on. So you overreacted.

You're new at this.

When Andy was a baby, I thought every sneeze was T.B.

Your reaction falls into a category

I would call "normal plus."

- "Normal plus"? - Yeah.

Normal, plus what you did.

[Scoffs]

Trust me, next time, you'll be better.

Homie say next time?

You just got to get back on the horse.

What do you think about picking up Bunny again tomorrow?

- Homie say tomorrow? - Pretending I agree with your reasoning,

- tomorrow seems soon. - Honey, you're gonna be great.

So you messed up. It's not gonna happen again.

The Titanic didn't sink twice.

[Smooches]

That's because it was at the bottom of the ocean.

Hey, boss lady. Reminder...

You have "Scary, scary ballet time" at 3:30.

I think I saw them at Coachella.

It's not a band. It's an errand I'm dreading.

Pretty sure it's a band, pretty sure my cousin's in it,

pretty sure they swept the VMAs.

Anyway, this skinny kid is here to see you.

Andy: I prefer skinny young adult.

Andy. Hi.

Is everything okay?

Yes, yes. Well, no.

No, Alice, it's not, and thank you for asking.

I need to talk to an adult who's not my dad but knows him.

I didn't have your number, but it was very easy for me

- to find your work address online. - Yeah.

Along with a rumor you dated A-Rod.

How can I help you?

- It's Ben. - Uh-huh.

- My dad. - Yes.

He wants me to get my driver's license so bad

he even threatened to buy me my own car.

It's horrible.

Why don't you want to drive?

Because I'm scared. I am afraid to drive.

You know me... I am a mess!

I-In what world does it make sense

for me to get behind the wheel of a car?

I mean, what if I hurt someone?

That I get.

You know what you should do

if you're afraid to drive?

Not drive.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately,

and I don't think anyone should have to do anything

that they are afraid to do.

- Really? - Yes.

Fear is your body's way of telling you not to do something.

If you're afraid to drive, just walk.

Or jog if you're in a hurry.

Thank you. Thank you.

That is exactly the wonderful advice I wanted to hear.

You know, I'm gonna go home.

I'm gonna say, "Hey, Dad...[pounds table]

I am a walker."

If you ever need anything, I owe you big time.

[Smooches, blows]

A-Andy?

I actually could use a favor.

Andy, what did I say about taking Uber?

Bunny?

Five stars, Jasmine!

Hey, Dad. I have to go potty.

Do not disturb me.

- [Vehicle door closes] - What is happening right now?

Dad, I know what you're thinking.

Don't worry. I didn't use your Uber account.

Alice let me use hers to pick up Bunny instead.

Alice? Why were you with Alice?

Oh, I stopped by her office,

and we had this long, productive talk,

and she told me that I should embrace my fear,

so I'm never driving.

- U-Um, what? - Fear is my friend, Dad.

Fear is my lover and my master.

I walk at my own pace.

Which I will be doing a lot of

because of what I said re driving.

Andy, this can't be what she meant.

Oh, no, she was extremely clear.

Like the tears I cry when I think about driving.

You will drive, Andrew!

Ben wants to come have a talk.

Who comes anywhere and talks?

Like, just send the rest in a text, buddy.

Yeah, seriously. I hate when people want to talk about stuff.

Just bottle it up inside like the rest of us.

You know it has to do with me and the kids.

I didn't do anything wrong. Bunny got home.

In style.

If Ben is asking me to help with the kids,

he's got to let me do it my way.

- The Alice way. - Exactly.

Yeah, like sending the kids home in a limo

instead of driving them around like a lame-ass.

I wouldn't say it like that, really.

Or telling a scaredy-cat teen

to embrace his fear and live life like a pedestrian.

- I feel like there are better examples. - Mm, not really.

Maybe I did mess up.

[Groaning] God, I need a drink.

Now that we agree on.

Nothing soothes like ice-cold vodka.

That's actually ice cream,

which you are putting in the microwave.

What's happening? What's happening?

[Sighs] I'm heating up some mint chocolate chip.

To drink?

It's the only thing that calms my nerves these days.

I think I've built up a full immunity to whiskey.

[Microwave beeps]

[Both sigh]

Oh, yeah. That's doing the trick.

I told you.

I'm feeling good in all sorts of places.

[Doorbell rings]

[Groans]

Hey, babe.

What a wonderful surprise. Come on in.

I'll heat you up some mint chocolate chip.

Um, Andy's under the impression

that you advised him to be ruled by fear.

This is a misunderstanding, no?

- I never said "ruled." - Okay, Alice...

Okay, I let the conversation get away from me,

but, yeah, I said sometimes,

when you are scared of something,

it's okay to back off.

So that explains why Bunny was in the Uber.

If you didn't want to pick her up,

you should have just told me.

Could I have? 'Cause I tried,

and you told me to get back on the horse.

Maybe some people should not ride horses.

What are you trying to say here?

I'm trying to say maybe I should

take a step back

on the whole me helping with the kids thing.

Great.

Because after today's events,

I was gonna say the same thing, so...

Great.

Great.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

Sure you don't want to give whiskey another shot?

It's not that I don't want to help with the kids.

It's just what if I suck at it?

Is that gonna be a deal breaker with Ben?

It kind of freaks me out, you know?

Uh, I don't think you're supposed to talk during this.

My parents were garbage.

I don't even know what good parents look like.

That's not true.

You watched "The Cosby Show" all the time.

There's something I have to tell you about him. Later.

Look, if you want to bail on this whole Ben thing,

my "Thelma & Louise" pitch is still on the table

in a very real way.

- Still no. - Fine.

If you want this to work, then you got to dive in.

Ben's not asking you to be perfect...

he's just asking you to try.

Thanks, Mary.

You should go talk to Ben.

I should go talk to Ben.

So what's the deal with Dr. Huxtable?

- [Slow-tempo music plays] - [Door closes]

Hello?

Hey, Andy.

Where's your dad?

[Sighs] Alice, my friend.

You are a sight for sore eyes.

What's going on? Are you okay?

[Scoffs] Not in so many letters.

At first, I thought embracing my fear was the answer,

but now I-I'm not so sure.

I feel like... like...

What's another way of saying "empty pointless loser"?

Andy, I was wrong. [Chuckles]

You can conquer your fears, and you should.

But how?

Let's start by changing the music.

May I?

- Okay. - [Beeps]

Now, listen to this music and tell me what you feel.

- She's just a girl, and she's on fire

- [Sighs] I guess I feel... sad, still.

I mean, a young lady is evidently being burned alive

and Alicia Keys is just going on about it.

Um, okay.

Maybe don't take the lyrics quite so literally.

- Oh. Okay, yeah. - Yeah.

- But she knows she can fly away

- I see what you're going for here.

It's cool, it's cool.

Yeah? Feels pretty good, right?

Not gonna lie, it kind of does.

Feels like you can do anything, yeah?

Yeah. It... It really does.

- Like you can conquer all your fears? - Oh, you bet I can.

- Even driving? - You know what?

...head in the clouds

- I think I can! - You know you can!

I feel like I could even drive right now!

You know why? Because...

Both: This girl is on fire!

Dude! You made that left like a boss!

Yeah, I did. 'Cause this girl is on fire!

I-I mean boy. I mean me.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

I told you. It's all about that pump-up song.

Yeah, you were so right.

I really do feel like I can do anything.

Want to go crush that driving test?

Let's do it.

- Dora: Hello, Father. - [Door closes]

- Help yourself. - No, thank you.

Hey, do you feel like I push you into things

without thinking about your feelings?

- Yeah. - With what?

- School. - Besides school.

Doing good in school.

I think it's doing "well" in school, but...

those are things parents are supposed to do.

You asked, I answered.

Mm. But if this is about the whole Andy driving thing,

Alice came by, dropped off these cupcakes,

and took him out for a spin.

Wait. What?

Our Andy? Our Alice?

Honestly, they're both yours.

Dad!

Dad.

Guess what I just did.

- Shut up. Is that your driver's license? - Yeah.

- Dude! That is huge! - [Door closes]

I'm so proud of you, man.

- I knew you could do it. - Me too.

I mean, after a lot of not knowing.

Come on, dude. Let's take a selfie with that thing.

It's the only good social media you've had in years.

I don't want to brag, but I'm an American hero.

How'd you get him to drive?

What happened? I thought you were taking a...

I do want to help with the kids.

Even if it's scary

and I feel like I'm gonna screw them up,

because that's how we'll grow,

you and me.

I think I'm gonna cry hard tears of joy right now.

Please do not. [Laughs]

Look, I'm sorry I got judgmental.

Parenting is a learning curve,

and you need to go at your own pace to feel supported.

You know, it's actually kind of cool with kids.

The lows are low, but the highs are, like...

some things I used to do and I don't anymore.

I mean, occasionally, at a party.

Not all the time. Not the hard stuff.

And never around the kids... That I know.

Not around the kids and do not sell it to them.

Alice, are you taking me to dance class?

- I'd be happy to. - Uh, thank you, sweetie,

but, actually, I got this covered.

Andy, come in here and drive your sister to dance class!

- God, that felt good. - [Laughs]

I'm doing it! I am driving! Andy to the max!

Good job, buddy.

This is freedom. This is the open road.

The wind in our hair!

Why is everybody yelling?

'Cause yelling is fun!

All: This girl is on fire

- [Bicycle bell dings] - This girl is on fire

She's walking on fire

This girl is...

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