Original subtitles

Okay, what if everything about me is exactly the same?

But you find out, after you go to sleep,

I sneak out of the house and secretly go clubbing?

Hmm, I guess that'd be weird, but...

- Weird? - So you're waiting till I'm asleep.

- You're sneaking. - I'm...

That's the word, sneaking, yes.

If everything was the same,

I don't think I would think that was a big deal.

- Mike, listen to what happens. - Okay.

Okay, I'm waiting for your eyes to shut

and I slip into, like, slutty, club clothes.

- Ooh. - And then,

drive myself to, like, a Hollywood dance establishment...

- Like a club? - Sure, whatever.

I am not cheating... just to be clear.

But you should know that there are many, just like,

hot, sweaty men, just like, grinding erotically

like, against my genital region.

I mean, it's strange, but I don't it would ruin...

Mike! Mike.

This is a world where I am throwing back Ecstasy.

I get home, I'm covered in, like, club sweat in my cleaves.

- I don't even know whose it is. - Don't say "cleaves" again.

Know that there's club sweat in the cleaves.

And then in the mornings, I can't function.

Amelia's like, "What is happening to Mommy?

Is she okay?"

And now, what do you do?

Okay, you're now a drug addict and our daughter is scared of you?

- Yeah. - I...

In that situation, I would divorce you.

I knew you'd be weird about it.

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All right, Smooch, I'll put this in your cubby.

Tyler, good morning.

Hi.

What do you got in your lunch today?

- I don't know. - Oh, your mom told me

she packed you a poop sandwich.

I don't want a poop sandwich.

First of all, I don't know why you already are so against poop.

What about if the bread was made of candy?

- I would still not want one. - Really?

Because it had poop inside.

But it has candy on the outside.

No, no, no... I'm sorry.

I promise you your mom did not pack you a poop sandwich.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

Oh, are you Elsie's mom?

I am, I'm Alison, it's so nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you, I'm Andrea, I'm Amelia's mom.

- Welcome to the school. - Thank you.

Oh, my gosh, she is so cute.

Listen, if you need anything, do not hesitate to reach out.

I know Elsie would love to have a play date with Amelia.

Amelia would love that. What's good for you guys?

- Maybe this weekend? - That's great. We're totally around.

- That sounds perfect. - Oh, good.

- Mommy, mommy! - Hold on, mommy's talking.

- Hi, Elsie, I'm Andrea... - Mommy, I want to show you

my rocket ship.

I live on a rocket ship, but don't worry about it.

- We'll talk later. - I'll email you.

Okay, perfect.

See, you got some fruit, and yogurt, and pasta.

Have a good day, I love you.

Mommy, can I have some more green beans?

No, we gotta cut back on those...

just candy, cupcakes the rest of dinner, all right?

All right, I'm giving you two.

But if I see you get too strong, I'm talking 'em back.

Hey, what are we doing Saturday night?

I don't think we have anything, why?

Nothing, I was just, I don't know,

thinking maybe having some work people come over.

Nothing crazy, just like... four or five people.

- Oh, I'm in, that sounds good. - Yeah?

- I can make Mexican food. - Oh?

So, should I invite some of my friends on Saturday night?

Hmm... I kind of wanted it to just be a party for grown-ups.

Oh, so there's not going to be any jokes there, okay, cool.

I get it. Cool, cool, cool.

You know people think I'm funny, right?

Okay, yeah.

Seriously, they do.

I completely, 100% believe

everything you are saying right now.

Daddy, I think your face is funny.

- See? - Okay, you.

From the mouths of babes.

'Cause she's a very attractive girl.

- Got it. - You get it.

Okay, Bugs, I'm setting up a play date for you and Elsie.

Hmm, how about that? That'd be cool.

We're going to do it this weekend, okay?

No!

Why don't you want to have a play date with Elsie?

I don't like the color of her skin.

Really?

That's strange because...

I think her skin is

- very beautiful. - Yeah.

I don't... it's so dark.

Listen, honey, everybody has different color skin.

Look, I have different color skin than you do.

But everyone on the inside is the same, underneath.

We have bones and brains and muscles... it's all,

it's all exactly the same.

But her skin looks like chocolate.

- And you love chocolate. - Uh...

Not dark chocolate.

Right. Anyway...

See? This color skin,

this is the color skin I like.

Well, I think just liking one thing

doesn't mean you can't like other stuff, like,

just because you like...

Oreos doesn't mean you don't like chocolate chip cookies,

or, you know, a sugar cookie, or...

- Yeah, I mean... - Mint Milano.

Uh-huh, uh...

It's just like, everybody has different... cookies.

And everybody has different skin.

And just because you like one doesn't mean that you don't...

not like... the other ones.

I mean, I have to imagine that most families go through

something a little like this, right?

Yeah, she's probably just unsure of something that's different.

We just need to bring in more positive,

diverse images into her life.

There's gotta be books, Beyonc?, you know,

maybe more cartoons like Doc McStuffins.

- "The Cosby Show" is a good one. - Seriously?

- Oh, right. - Whatever we do,

we just need to make sure that we're casual about it

because otherwise she's gonna snip it on us

and dig her heels in.

I'm on board.

Oh, another cartoon, "Fat Albert".

God, Bill Cosby is responsible

for so many things we can't show our child.

Suri...

It's "Siri".

What is the history of guacamole?

Why is that something we need to know?

- I want to know. - Why?

Do you know the history of guacamole?

Yeah, pretty... you know, someone smashed an avocado

and took all the other stuff that they grew nearby

and shoved it in and there you go.

Well, no, it was the Aztecs, actually.

Well, those were the people that shoved it in.

Well, yeah, you're right.

After that, that's pretty much what they said.

Okay, well...

- I have a question for you. - Yeah.

I was listening to Howard Stern.

- Oh, boy. - What is tea bagging?

I think I know what it is, but you tell me if I'm right.

Why don't you ask your, uh, good friend Suri?

Suri, what is tea bagging?

Mom, I was kidding.

Oh.

Well, if you're not gonna tell me...

Tea bagging is when a man places his testicles

in a woman's... or man's... willing mouth

repeatedly, like, you know, like you dip a teabag into hot water

while you're making a cup of tea.

Well, that's exactly what I thought it was.

So thank you very much.

I love our mother-daughter chats.

I also have a question.

It's less about testicles,

so I don't know if you're the right person to ask, but...

So, we're going through a little bout of racism with Amelia.

I don't think it's anything, I mean, I hope it's not,

but what did you do when I went through that?

Oh, you never went through anything like that.

You liked everybody, and everybody liked you.

- Not a true statement. No. - Absolutely true.

Don't you remember how I supposedly got us banned

from that Chinese restaurant?

- No, I don't remember that. - Oh, my God.

How do you not remember anything bad?

I would think that you'd be glad that I don't.

Mom, it was your favorite restaurant.

If nothing happened, then why did we stop going?

I think it closed down.

No, it is still open, to this day.

Well, maybe I just stopped liking it.

There were multiple nights where you said, "I want Chinese food,"

and then your face would go dark

and you'd suddenly change the subject.

Why do you need so many jalapenos?

Oh, my God, seriously?

Whoa, honey, stick to the paper.

Hey, Smoochie, come here.

I have something pretty special to show you.

Come here, bub, do you want to see a video

of one of the best gymnasts in the entire world?

It's not just me saying that.

She won an actual gold medal.

Her name is Simone Biles, that's her right there.

Oh, Simone Biles, she is amazing.

Right? Here, watch this.

Wow, she is very flexible.

Really? Is now the best time?

No, definitely not.

There we go, look at this, look at this.

- Whoa! - Whoo!

Whoo, she's so good, did you like that?

It was really good.

I know, right?

I just wish she had different color skin.

Walt Disney, Paula Deen,

Henry Ford, I mean, come on.

Your list of racists isn't helping.

You also forgot Mel Gibson. I am not proud of myself.

A perfect example.

These are all incredibly successful racists,

so I'm saying, if she continues to have these beliefs,

it's not gonna preclude her from achieving

all of her dreams and goals.

This is not funny, okay?

I know you think this is hilarious.

She's gonna grow out of this.

She got through sucking her thumb, she's gonna get through this.

Oh, no, totally.

Dependence on a binky, inherent belief that other races

are not equal to that of your own.

- Kyle... - Think about it this way,

you've got Halloween covered forever now.

It's just hoods.

- It is not funny, okay? - Right?

Yeah, it's mostly funny, though.

You also forgot Michael Richards.

Just for the record, again, do not make jokes.

I don't think he's a racist. I think he said something inappropriate.

That's what I would say Amelia is.

Oh, no... no, no.

Because what you said was that she doesn't like

their skin color specifically.

Listen, Kyle, I'm tense.

Hmm, what?

I was just using it as emphasis, I wasn't typing anything.

Oh, oh, you weren't?

Oh, sorry, you were so good at that.

Actually, I'm going to email you this draft, okay?

- Mm-hmm. - Because I gotta run

and pick up some more avocadoes.

I'm making my famous ugga-wugga-mole.

Why am I making my famous guacamole, you wonder?

- Are you talking to me? - Yeah.

- I don't care. - Yeah, yeah, you do.

Because I'm having a very exclusive dinner party

this weekend, at my home.

Great, what night? I will bring my usual nothing.

That is true, because I am not allowed to invite

any of my friends because it is a "grown-up" dinner party.

- Who? - Mike claims that he's

- the funny one at work. - Oh, come on!

I know.

Mike is the funny one? Oh, now I wanna come.

There's nothing I can do.

- Oh! - He's made it very clear.

Hey, by the way, did you know that the Aztecs invented...

Oh, did you know I didn't give a shit?

That's fair.

But also, they grew a lot of crops that involved avocadoes,

and there were tomatoes and onions and garlic...

So many kids go through this phase.

- Really? - Especially at this age.

- Really? - It's a really common thing.

- Okay, okay. - Yes.

Well, that makes me feel a little bit better.

You know, thanks for bringing it to our attention.

- Okay. - I'll let you know

- if I hear anything. - I appreciate that.

I don't think it's going to be an issue, though.

Please let me know.

And you know, most kids, they're just...

they grow right out of this phase so quickly.

- Most kids? - Yeah.

But not... all kids.

She's going to be fine.

Okay, okay, well, thank you.

Please let me know if you hear anything okay?

I will... oh, before you go, um...

I listened to a podcast that you did recently.

- Oh, God, that I did? - Yeah, you were hilarious.

Oh, my God, thank you.

What... which one was it?

Uh, it was something about fingers and banging.

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah, I remember that one.

That was... that was actually, it was a story

from when I was a kid, you know,

obviously not like a kid, but like, in high school I was...

I'm so sorry you had to hear that, but thanks.

- Hi! - Hey, Andrea.

- Oh. - I forgot the backpack.

- Are we still on for Saturday? - Yes!

Of course we're still on for Saturday, yes.

Of course, yes, why...

I don't know why I keep saying yes.

But I'll see you Saturday. Okay, bye.

Be honest with me.

Is this too weird?

- What? You just want me to... - Are you uncomfortable?

No... no, no, no.

You just want me to go to your daughter

and be a good role model for her.

Basically, yes.

No, no, that's fine, I'm fine with it.

Yeah, okay, it's a little bit weird.

You don't have to do... you do not have to do this.

You know I have to do this.

Look, don't even sweat it,

I am a lot of people's blackest friend.

And even some black people, the lighter skinned ones,

I'm their blackest friend.

To me, this feels weird but I also, I'm...

She's digging her heels in and, you know...

You want to nip this in the bud.

Thank you so much for that input.

Don't even worry about it.

Look, this thing goes both ways.

What does that mean?

My daughter wanted to be Elsa for Halloween last year in white face.

- Oh. - Yeah, I got this,

don't worry about it.

- Thank you, Brian. - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You doing okay?

No, you don't get to be excited about this, okay?

This is not funny.

- No, it's not. - No, it's not.

The racism stuff is legitimately terrifying.

- Yes. - Like, legitimately.

- I know. - It's awful.

- I think we... - I would die.

- You wouldn't die. - I mean, I would be so scared.

But watching you go through it is fun.

You know what?

When you hear your innocent child come out

with something like this, it is unnerving, okay?

Oh, relax.

Brian, he's got this, he's so good with kids.

- And he does like to be involved. - Very involved.

Almost uncomfortably involved.

Well...

I tried.

What do you mean you tried? That was, like, ten seconds.

Yeah, and she threw out some stuff

about dark chocolate and...

I gotta tell you, you're right... it, it was weird.

That may have been an ill-conceived conversation

that she and I had gone down.

- Obviously I would never... - I don't want to use the words,

- "lost cause". - Then let's not say that.

Oh, wow, it is pretty today at the park.

Come on. What?

I think he does want to say lost cause,

and then you told him not to, and now it's uncomfortable.

I think that's pretty much exactly what happened.

I did, I wanted to say lost cause.

I think we all know that you wanted to say lost cause.

But can we just not get all the other parents

involved in all that?

Oh, I've already started texting people.

- No, you haven't. - Yes, I have.

You do not have a phone in your hands.

I have made a mental list of the people I'm going to text about this.

- Then that's not texting. - I love you!

Why can't you make that promise?

Izzy, let's go!

Why can't he promise to do that?

This is terrible.

Alison, I'm so sorry that we have to reschedule the play date.

I, I totally forgot that we're going to my dad's

all day Saturday.

Amelia is so disappointed.

Yes, please, please can we reschedule soon?

Okay, again, thank you for understanding.

Okay, I'll see you on Monday.

Thank you, bye.

"Very soon"? You got out of it and then you reschedule?

- I don't know. - And why the two "pleases"?

I don't know, I panicked, I just...

Honestly, I can't believe that we had to cancel

because of this.

This is... this is not good.

What are we gonna do?

Usually when I say that I like something,

Amelia gets on board, but, I mean,

she is holding firm on this one.

Yeah, she is.

I have a fear that she's going to grow up

to be this amazing person, right, in all ways...

like, she helps the homeless, I mean, she's curing cancer...

but 25 years from now she's going to be at a dinner party,

hold out her arm and say,

"This is the color skin I like."

She did, the underside of her arm, not even the darker part.

No, this side has never seen the light of day.

Mommy, when is my play date with Elsie?

You know what, we're actually...

we're gonna reschedule that for another time, okay, bub?

No! Can we do it soon?

Well, of course, of course, we would love to.

I, I thought that you had some reservations.

But that was because she wouldn't play puppy with me.

But today she did, and now we're best friends.

I'm sorry... that's why you didn't want to play with Elsie?

Because she wouldn't play puppy with you?

I thought it was because she looked a little different.

It was, but now I think her skin is really pretty.

Mommy, that's the color skin I like.

Well, well, great, we'll reschedule it, that's wonderful.

I'm really psyched that you have a new best friend.

We like to say we're sisters.

I love to hear that.

I can't think of one reason why calling her a sister

wouldn't be great.

Ah, shit.

Shit... honey, wake up.

Something's really wrong with my hands.

They feel like they're on fire.

- Mm-hmm. - "Mm-hmm" is not

an appropriate response.

I'm serious, something is wrong with my hands.

I'm so sorry.

I feel like they're in a flame, like I put them... ah!

But they don't look weird.

Come on, wake up, come on.

- Did you take Advil? - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Oh, shit.

How may I help you?

My hands feel like they're on fire.

What could be wrong?

Sorry, I didn't quite get that.

Oh!

Suck my dick.

Shit.

Siri, call Kyle.

Oh.

Hello.

That's a casual hello.

You don't think it's odd I'm calling you at three in the morning?

Is it only three?

Nice! I thought it was five.

I need you to Google, "My hands are on fire.

What could be wrong?"

Why don't you call one of your dinner party friends to come help?

Why do you even want to come to this dinner party?

It's Mike's work friends!

I want to be invited to all of the parties.

Fine, you can come to the party.

- Really? - Yes! Stop pumping your fist.

You are being so weird about this.

Is there a paperless post?

Yes, I will add you to the paperless post.

Add me because I have a funny comment I want to put on it.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'm Binging it right now.

Oh, you've got something called jalape?o hand.

What the F is jalape?o hand?

Jalapeno oil gets on your pores and makes your hands hurt, it looks like.

People are saying it's quite painful.

Oh, really? Yeah, people like me telling you that on the phone?

I guess that's why you're supposed to wear gloves

when you work with jalapenos. Did you, uh...

- Did you not wear gloves? - Clearly, I did not.

Does it say how to get rid of it?

Uh... did you rinse your hands?

Yes.

- Did you use soap? - Obviously.

Okay, uh, it say you can try using yogurt, baking soda.

I don't know... bleach.

Bleach? I'm supposed to stick my hand in a bowl of bleach?

I, I don't know.

What does it say to do in the comments?

"First" is the one, the first one.

- That's funny. - Ahh!

Okay, I'm gonna try the yogurt.

A lot of these comments just look like spam.

A lower mortgage.

I don't have any yogurt.

What was the next thing?

Now that I'm looking, I think a few of these might be jokes.

Do I need to go to an emergency room?

It really, really, really, really hurts.

Well, there's one more thing you could try.

Yeah, this feels right.

Kyle, hang up!

In what world would I hang up at this moment?

Oh, my God.

Jalapeno hands are feeling better, huh?

Yeah, thank God.

Now they're just piss hands, I guess.

Yeah, pretty much.

Oh, they really do think he's funny.

Look how cute that is.

I mean, come on, let him have this.

I feel good about that.

I filled out the whole online dating profile,

and the first date they set me up with was my sister.

If they set you up with your sister maybe it's time

to say good-bye to internet dating.

I dated my sister once.

Two years... the break-up was horrible.

But the sexual chemistry, I don't have to tell you,

was electric.

I'm so glad you could make it, Kyle.

Oh, thanks for having me.

This guacamole's really good, Andrea,

it's got a real kick to it, though.

It's got quite a few jalapenos, I will warn you,

and they're from Puerta, so they're muy authentic.

- So... - She cut so many peppers

that she got something called jalape?o hands.

- That's like a real thing. - You know it?

Yeah, it happened to a friend of mine once.

She said it was terrible, extremely painful.

Julie, you have no idea.

It's literally like, you put your hands in fire.

- That's what she said. - Horrible.

One of the most painful things I've ever felt.

How do you get rid of it?

Well, not to be gross, but she said the only thing

that made it feel better was to pee on her hands.

Yeah. How'd you get rid of yours, Andrea?

Yeah, Andrea, how'd you get rid of yours?

Mm-hmm.

I washed my hands so many times, obviously, before,

because, I mean, this happened last night and I...

You know, it's urine.

It's not gonna stick on your...

- Mommy. - Hey!

What are you doing up?

And did you paint all over yourself?

I thought we were painting on paper.

Guess who I am.

Who?

Hey, hey, hey, I'm Fat Albert!

Stop laughing.

I'm... I just want to make sure you understand,

your daughter has just arrived

at the dinner party in black face.

- Thank you. - Just making sure

everybody gets what's happening.

- We got it. - This is crazy, right?

First piss guac, then we got the black face, I mean,

I'm excited to see what you got next.

Probably something anti-Semitic.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

I mean, I think it's safe to say that was one of our

rougher dinner parties.

But luckily your co-worker Julie is a very understanding woman,

thank God.

To be fair, I think the black face might be on me.

Oh, oh, really, you think?

Surprisingly Fat Albert doesn't hold up.

You mean, a surprise to no one.

I mean, the good news is, she probably won't grow up

to be the grand wizard of the KKK.

Oh, thank God.

I'm happy you at least called her the grand wizard.

I mean, obviously, it's not the direction I want her to go in,

but at least she's at the top of her game.

- Hmm. - Right?

The wizard's the top of the KKK, right?

- The grand wizard? - Yeah, yeah.

- What? - Are you trying to get back at me

by giving me jalape?o dick?

Yes, I am.

- Is it worth it? - 100%.

- Really? - Yeah.

You saw how painful it was.

No, I didn't, I was asleep the whole time.

Well, you know what?

If you do get it, if worse comes to worse...

- Mm-hmm? - I'll just pee on your dick.

Please stop talking.

What? You think I woke up this morning,

I was like, you know what I'd like to do?

No, but sometimes, you know, when you're in a relationship

you have to do things for your partner, you know?

Like, pee on their dick.

- Yeah, it... - I'm going to sleep.

I'm just offering to help the situation.

- No. - All right, fine, you know what?

If that's what you want to do, close your eyes.

But I can't promise what my hands are gonna do.

Don't you have a club to go to?

Well, it's still delicious.

I'm so happy we came back here.

Mom, I told you it was still open.

Oh... now I see why it's called tea bagging.

Yeah, there's a very strong visual correlation,

you just draw a line right to it, Mom.

Oh, I don't think tea bagging usually involves

the squeeze at the end.

Can I get you ladies anything else?

No, I think we're good, thank you, just the check.

There you go, have a great day.

Thank you.

Oh, now I remember why we couldn't come back here.

Why?

You used to yell about them putting pee-pee in your Coke.

Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus, that's terrible.

Mom, how could you let me say that?

Also, I mean, a little on the nose, but terrible.

I wish it were on the nose

because then you'd do this thing with your eyes.

Okay, you know what, Mom... Mom.

- What? - We're, we're settled up here.

- Let's go. - No, no, no.

I haven't finished my tea.

I can't watch you fondle that tea anymore.

Let's go, you'll teabag somewhere else, come on.

- Just let me... shhh. - Okay, that's not...

- What are you doing? - Just... be quiet!

- You're making a scene. Sh... - You're on top of me.

It's like a riptide, you got... Relax, let nature take its...

- What... - Let me give you my true love.

Wow, wait a minute. Okay, I'm in. Now I get it.

What are you doing?

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