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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,722 --> 00:00:06,621 [BILL] Previously, on I'm Dying Up Here: 2 00:00:06,723 --> 00:00:07,989 Why are you looking at me like that? 3 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,591 Mostly because I love you. 4 00:00:09,693 --> 00:00:11,258 - What do you want? - You were there for me 5 00:00:11,361 --> 00:00:12,420 in Wink. 6 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,529 It's about three brothers who own 7 00:00:14,631 --> 00:00:16,063 a family restaurant in Compton. 8 00:00:16,165 --> 00:00:17,328 Three brothers? 9 00:00:17,328 --> 00:00:19,995 It's funny, it's edgy, it has heart. 10 00:00:20,097 --> 00:00:21,997 - Guy's such a dick. - [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 11 00:00:22,051 --> 00:00:24,117 I think he's broke, so you might want to cut him some slack. 12 00:00:24,142 --> 00:00:25,176 [ROY] Would somebody call 13 00:00:25,201 --> 00:00:26,468 - the fucking ambulance? - What's wrong? 14 00:00:26,570 --> 00:00:27,669 Yeah. 15 00:00:27,838 --> 00:00:29,237 These motherfuckers owe you money. 16 00:00:29,339 --> 00:00:30,636 [RALPH] We gonna get that money. 17 00:00:30,661 --> 00:00:32,607 [SCREAMS] 18 00:00:32,709 --> 00:00:34,125 It's in the safe! 19 00:00:34,125 --> 00:00:35,607 I'm Chris Beverly. I'm Nick's uncle. 20 00:00:35,632 --> 00:00:36,839 It'd be great to catch up. 21 00:00:36,864 --> 00:00:38,063 [ROY] You know me, right? 22 00:00:38,088 --> 00:00:39,129 I know you. 23 00:00:43,269 --> 00:00:46,170 [JAZZY PERCUSSION] 24 00:00:46,272 --> 00:00:50,287 ? 25 00:00:51,638 --> 00:00:54,159 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 26 00:00:56,615 --> 00:00:59,515 [EARLY ROCK MUSIC] 27 00:00:59,617 --> 00:01:01,117 ? 28 00:01:01,220 --> 00:01:03,053 ? This time ? 29 00:01:03,155 --> 00:01:05,788 ? I'm going away this time ? 30 00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:08,758 ? I'm going to say good-bye ? 31 00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:11,294 ? I'll see you around someday ? 32 00:01:11,396 --> 00:01:13,196 ? 33 00:01:13,298 --> 00:01:16,232 ? Be kind when you think of me ? 34 00:01:16,334 --> 00:01:17,532 ? Because ? 35 00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,235 ? You're to blame, you see ? 36 00:01:19,337 --> 00:01:20,569 ? You are ? 37 00:01:20,671 --> 00:01:23,192 ? As long as you can be ? 38 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:24,907 ? 39 00:01:25,009 --> 00:01:26,508 ? This time ? 40 00:01:26,610 --> 00:01:27,843 ? I'll say we're through ? 41 00:01:27,945 --> 00:01:29,444 ? I mean ? 42 00:01:29,546 --> 00:01:30,972 ? What I say to you ? 43 00:01:30,972 --> 00:01:32,304 ? No, no ? 44 00:01:32,405 --> 00:01:34,906 ? We cannot start anew ? 45 00:01:35,008 --> 00:01:40,011 ? 46 00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:52,391 [ROLLING THUNDER] 47 00:02:00,671 --> 00:02:01,775 [NICK SIGHS] 48 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,979 You okay? 49 00:02:10,257 --> 00:02:11,387 Um... 50 00:02:13,011 --> 00:02:14,392 ...there's coffee. 51 00:02:15,924 --> 00:02:17,045 [CLEARS THROAT] 52 00:02:22,753 --> 00:02:24,886 Last night was, uh... 53 00:02:26,356 --> 00:02:27,538 I know. 54 00:02:35,186 --> 00:02:37,178 I really do love Eddie. 55 00:02:39,037 --> 00:02:40,159 Yeah. 56 00:02:40,770 --> 00:02:43,014 Between me and him, I'd pick Eddie too. 57 00:02:45,574 --> 00:02:47,551 Hell, between you and Eddie, I'd pick Eddie. 58 00:02:47,576 --> 00:02:48,753 [LAUGHS] 59 00:02:56,951 --> 00:02:58,084 [TENSE HUM] 60 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,054 So now what? [LAUGHS] 61 00:03:05,047 --> 00:03:06,239 Breakfast? 62 00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:13,131 [BLUES MUSIC] 63 00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:14,309 [SNIFFS] 64 00:03:14,334 --> 00:03:16,768 ? 65 00:03:17,016 --> 00:03:18,270 Fuck Roy Martin. 66 00:03:18,371 --> 00:03:20,105 [RON] I'm playing a character. 67 00:03:20,207 --> 00:03:21,439 That... that's not me. 68 00:03:21,541 --> 00:03:23,308 That's not Ron Shack. 69 00:03:23,410 --> 00:03:24,609 It's Ron Shack 70 00:03:24,712 --> 00:03:26,252 playing a character. 71 00:03:26,479 --> 00:03:29,045 Benny the Mailman is a character. 72 00:03:29,382 --> 00:03:32,236 Like you. You are... a stripper, okay? 73 00:03:32,375 --> 00:03:34,008 But if you were acting in a porn, 74 00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:35,907 that would be your character having sex, 75 00:03:35,932 --> 00:03:37,133 not... [SNIFFS] 76 00:03:37,190 --> 00:03:38,322 uh, what... I'm sorry. 77 00:03:38,347 --> 00:03:39,913 What's your fucking name again? 78 00:03:40,093 --> 00:03:41,225 ? 79 00:03:41,327 --> 00:03:42,326 Trudy. 80 00:03:42,351 --> 00:03:43,604 Trudy. Thank you. 81 00:03:43,629 --> 00:03:45,196 It's... it's not Trudy, 82 00:03:45,297 --> 00:03:47,563 you know, fornicating with a construction worker 83 00:03:47,665 --> 00:03:49,298 and his foreman, 84 00:03:49,555 --> 00:03:50,922 and then a guy that delivers some food 85 00:03:50,947 --> 00:03:53,080 to the construction site after hours. 86 00:03:53,105 --> 00:03:55,038 [RON] It's your character, and you shouldn't be judged 87 00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:56,740 for what your character does, right? 88 00:03:56,842 --> 00:03:59,923 I mean, how is that fair? 89 00:04:00,445 --> 00:04:01,677 It's not. 90 00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:02,979 ? 91 00:04:03,081 --> 00:04:04,747 I mean, do you have any idea 92 00:04:04,849 --> 00:04:06,906 what it's like to be judged 93 00:04:07,184 --> 00:04:08,483 and used and abused 94 00:04:08,585 --> 00:04:10,018 and j-just tossed to the side 95 00:04:10,121 --> 00:04:11,153 like... 96 00:04:11,255 --> 00:04:13,355 No, I've been lucky. 97 00:04:13,457 --> 00:04:18,060 ? 98 00:04:18,162 --> 00:04:21,062 [GIGGLES] 99 00:04:21,164 --> 00:04:22,630 ? 100 00:04:22,732 --> 00:04:23,940 Man. 101 00:04:24,801 --> 00:04:25,940 Stroke. 102 00:04:26,409 --> 00:04:27,590 Poor Fitzy. 103 00:04:27,871 --> 00:04:29,403 Yeah, I talked to Bill this morning. 104 00:04:29,505 --> 00:04:30,972 Severe brain damage. 105 00:04:31,399 --> 00:04:33,007 Still talking about Fitzy, right? 106 00:04:33,109 --> 00:04:34,095 [SUCKS TEETH] 107 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,286 Too early? 108 00:04:35,311 --> 00:04:36,778 Mm, I'd give it another hour. 109 00:04:37,786 --> 00:04:38,858 Sorry. 110 00:04:40,115 --> 00:04:41,748 [EDDIE] Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho! 111 00:04:41,850 --> 00:04:43,716 - Hey! - All right! 112 00:04:44,031 --> 00:04:45,818 - Now we're talking. - Okay. 113 00:04:45,843 --> 00:04:46,976 Welcome home. 114 00:04:48,056 --> 00:04:49,823 So, where'd you go last night? 115 00:04:49,925 --> 00:04:50,933 Out. 116 00:04:51,193 --> 00:04:52,759 [PHONE RINGS] 117 00:04:52,861 --> 00:04:55,171 Oh, better get it! Duty calls! 118 00:04:55,673 --> 00:04:56,905 [PHONE RINGS] 119 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,130 - Gah... - You got it. 120 00:04:58,232 --> 00:04:59,266 Oop. 121 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,866 [ADAM] Think he lost. 122 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:02,807 Yeah. 123 00:05:03,811 --> 00:05:04,909 Hey, Morris. 124 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:10,047 Are you... 125 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,752 Are you serious? 126 00:05:12,151 --> 00:05:13,778 Oh, wow, we're gonna need a knife, 127 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:14,913 or something. 128 00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,388 Hey, Ron, you got a kn... 129 00:05:17,218 --> 00:05:18,381 What happened? 130 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,452 [EDDIE] What happened? What's the matter with you? 131 00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:22,821 [CHUCKLES] 132 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,422 Well, either he got something in his ass, 133 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,724 or he got good news. 134 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:27,959 Jesus, spit it out. 135 00:05:28,108 --> 00:05:29,273 Or push! 136 00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:34,264 I got Carson. 137 00:05:34,366 --> 00:05:36,099 - You what? - Motherfucker! 138 00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:37,801 Fucking Carson? 139 00:05:37,903 --> 00:05:40,770 - [ADAM] Oh, yeah! - [EDDIE] Are you kidding me? 140 00:05:40,873 --> 00:05:43,006 - [EDDIE] Are you fucking kidding? - [ADAM] That's fucking crazy! 141 00:05:43,108 --> 00:05:44,407 [EDDIE] Are you kidding me? 142 00:05:44,509 --> 00:05:45,775 - [EDDIE] Are you kidding me? - [ADAM] Yeah! 143 00:05:45,877 --> 00:05:47,076 You son of a bitch, come here! 144 00:05:47,101 --> 00:05:49,534 - Oh, we need... We need drinks. - Holy shit. 145 00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:50,512 What? 146 00:05:50,614 --> 00:05:51,647 Yeah. 147 00:05:51,749 --> 00:05:53,182 They just called for me, and I can't believe it. 148 00:05:53,284 --> 00:05:54,650 It's... it's like, your whole- 149 00:05:54,752 --> 00:05:56,518 it's like your whole fucking life, you know? 150 00:05:56,620 --> 00:05:57,786 - Yeah. - [RON] I mean, I... 151 00:05:57,889 --> 00:05:59,691 I mean, look at me. Fucking shaking. 152 00:06:00,458 --> 00:06:01,824 I mean, I was shaking when I came in, but... 153 00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,458 - Wait, so when is it? - Thursday. 154 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,093 - Thursday! - Fucking Thursday. 155 00:06:05,195 --> 00:06:06,761 - Fucking Ron, that is amazing. - Oh, my God. 156 00:06:06,786 --> 00:06:08,718 Fucking Benny the Mailman strikes again! 157 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:09,908 Carson's legit. 158 00:06:09,933 --> 00:06:11,399 All right! Come on. 159 00:06:11,987 --> 00:06:13,601 W-wait, what do you mean by that? 160 00:06:13,626 --> 00:06:14,854 What does that mean? 161 00:06:14,879 --> 00:06:16,548 "Benny the Mailman strikes again"? 162 00:06:16,573 --> 00:06:17,758 I mean, 163 00:06:18,208 --> 00:06:19,741 first fucking Soul Train, 164 00:06:19,843 --> 00:06:21,608 now fucking Carson. 165 00:06:21,710 --> 00:06:23,017 Gig's really paying off. 166 00:06:23,042 --> 00:06:24,622 No, no, no, no. The gig 167 00:06:24,646 --> 00:06:26,446 was for one episode, 168 00:06:26,548 --> 00:06:27,681 and then Ron Shack 169 00:06:27,706 --> 00:06:28,738 made Benny the Mailman 170 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:29,894 a phenomenon, 171 00:06:29,919 --> 00:06:31,218 and that's why Ron Shack 172 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:32,987 is being booked on Johnny Carson. 173 00:06:33,089 --> 00:06:35,522 So why is Ron Shack so pissed off? 174 00:06:35,547 --> 00:06:36,913 - Because... - Yeah, what's the matter, bro? 175 00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,301 - You got... you got Carson. - No, no. 176 00:06:38,326 --> 00:06:39,625 No, I get it, I get it. 177 00:06:39,727 --> 00:06:40,994 Benny the Mailman's a fucking hack, right? 178 00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:43,163 Yeah, that shit's getting old. 179 00:06:43,340 --> 00:06:45,398 Look, I'm sorry that I don't write jokes for a guy 180 00:06:45,423 --> 00:06:47,321 whose act is so tired, it's like a bus 181 00:06:47,346 --> 00:06:49,079 full of old people with the heater on high, 182 00:06:49,104 --> 00:06:50,736 or that I didn't record a fucking album 183 00:06:50,761 --> 00:06:52,182 that's getting its ass kicked by the Ohio Players. 184 00:06:52,207 --> 00:06:53,306 - Whoa, whoa. - I'm sorry you don't 185 00:06:53,331 --> 00:06:54,562 find any value in what I do. 186 00:06:54,587 --> 00:06:55,707 Ron, you're taking this the wrong way. 187 00:06:55,732 --> 00:06:56,839 Fuck you, man. I'm not 188 00:06:56,864 --> 00:06:58,030 - a fucking joke, Eddie. - [EDDIE] Ron! 189 00:06:58,055 --> 00:06:59,721 - I don't think you're a joke. - I'm not a fucking joke. 190 00:06:59,746 --> 00:07:00,979 Okay, we know that, man. 191 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,023 Chill! 192 00:07:02,516 --> 00:07:04,149 And the Ohio Players are solid, okay? 193 00:07:04,251 --> 00:07:05,750 I'm not going to d... There's no shame in that. 194 00:07:05,852 --> 00:07:06,887 Listen to me. 195 00:07:06,917 --> 00:07:08,694 We're nothing but happy for you. 196 00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:09,848 Okay? 197 00:07:10,391 --> 00:07:12,556 I mean, come on, man. 198 00:07:12,813 --> 00:07:14,012 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 199 00:07:14,037 --> 00:07:15,159 Just chill out. 200 00:07:15,261 --> 00:07:16,698 - I'm sorry. - And listen. 201 00:07:16,723 --> 00:07:18,262 If you need some help writing material, 202 00:07:18,364 --> 00:07:19,663 I made Johnny laugh once. 203 00:07:19,765 --> 00:07:21,132 Yeah. And I'm black. 204 00:07:24,743 --> 00:07:25,922 Thank you, but no. 205 00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:27,014 Um... 206 00:07:28,244 --> 00:07:29,705 I'ma do this on my own. 207 00:07:30,035 --> 00:07:31,067 All right. 208 00:07:33,673 --> 00:07:34,705 You sure? 209 00:07:38,169 --> 00:07:39,368 Yeah. 210 00:07:42,354 --> 00:07:44,887 [SLOW JAZZ MUSIC] 211 00:07:44,989 --> 00:07:49,992 ? 212 00:07:54,731 --> 00:07:58,334 ? On my way I'm going ? 213 00:07:58,436 --> 00:07:59,734 There's not much going on 214 00:07:59,837 --> 00:08:01,170 in your refrigerator there, Gold. 215 00:08:01,195 --> 00:08:02,193 [LAUGHS] 216 00:08:02,218 --> 00:08:03,481 It's like Doctor Zhivago 217 00:08:03,506 --> 00:08:05,084 after the Revolution in there. 218 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,152 I made coffee. 219 00:08:07,177 --> 00:08:08,096 ? Now I'm going ? 220 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,220 [LAUGHS] 221 00:08:09,245 --> 00:08:12,146 ? I'm going ? 222 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:13,892 Um... 223 00:08:14,970 --> 00:08:16,280 [LAUGHS] 224 00:08:17,153 --> 00:08:20,487 ? If I go ? 225 00:08:20,589 --> 00:08:22,022 ? Let me go ? 226 00:08:22,283 --> 00:08:23,849 Like you act like you never had a guy 227 00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,351 show up drunk at your office 228 00:08:25,453 --> 00:08:26,867 and dragged him home before. 229 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,609 Definitely could not have 230 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,534 just left you at the club, right? 231 00:08:31,559 --> 00:08:32,691 Probably should've. 232 00:08:32,793 --> 00:08:33,959 Would you grab a couple plates? 233 00:08:34,061 --> 00:08:35,212 Oh, sure. 234 00:08:35,729 --> 00:08:40,431 ? 235 00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:41,648 You know, 236 00:08:42,164 --> 00:08:43,797 Roy, last night, 237 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:46,366 you... threw me for a little bit of a loop. 238 00:08:46,469 --> 00:08:47,768 Yeah, sorry. 239 00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:49,102 No. 240 00:08:49,204 --> 00:08:50,538 It, um... 241 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:51,780 Um... 242 00:08:52,317 --> 00:08:53,906 Hm? What do you think of these? 243 00:08:53,931 --> 00:08:56,399 ? 244 00:08:56,424 --> 00:08:57,499 Roy, 245 00:08:57,831 --> 00:08:59,466 are you gonna tell me what's going on? 246 00:08:59,466 --> 00:09:01,274 I was drunk. Okay? 247 00:09:01,299 --> 00:09:03,999 And feeling sorry for myself, so 248 00:09:04,102 --> 00:09:05,611 let's just... Let's just leave it at that, 249 00:09:05,636 --> 00:09:06,792 all right? 250 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,206 I got eggs. 251 00:09:09,207 --> 00:09:10,522 Uh... 252 00:09:10,807 --> 00:09:11,839 ? 253 00:09:11,941 --> 00:09:14,041 ? And I just keep ? 254 00:09:14,198 --> 00:09:15,676 Gold, hey, 255 00:09:15,778 --> 00:09:17,958 sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 256 00:09:18,159 --> 00:09:19,180 You know? 257 00:09:19,282 --> 00:09:21,048 [LAUGHS] 258 00:09:21,151 --> 00:09:22,083 Roy... 259 00:09:24,121 --> 00:09:25,832 I adore you. 260 00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:27,654 - I... - I-it's okay. 261 00:09:28,077 --> 00:09:29,190 It's okay. 262 00:09:29,291 --> 00:09:32,692 ? 263 00:09:32,717 --> 00:09:33,737 Let's eat. 264 00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:35,462 Let's eat. 265 00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:36,953 ? 266 00:09:36,978 --> 00:09:38,275 [RALPH] You didn't have to do this. 267 00:09:38,300 --> 00:09:39,733 Your ass broker than mine. 268 00:09:39,835 --> 00:09:41,735 Ralph, there's a man gonna be jacking off 269 00:09:41,837 --> 00:09:43,604 with three fingers for a year. 270 00:09:43,705 --> 00:09:45,204 Least that calls for is donuts. 271 00:09:45,229 --> 00:09:46,662 That shit was for free. 272 00:09:46,770 --> 00:09:49,152 Now, carrying your sorry ass out to the car after you fainted... 273 00:09:49,177 --> 00:09:50,635 [LAUGHS] Okay. 274 00:09:51,012 --> 00:09:53,146 No, you definitely had my back, man. 275 00:09:53,248 --> 00:09:55,014 Hey, back's all we got. 276 00:09:59,521 --> 00:10:01,644 Hey, I ask you another favor? 277 00:10:02,856 --> 00:10:05,056 I'm still working on the same motherfucking bite 278 00:10:05,159 --> 00:10:06,694 from saying you're welcome for the last one. 279 00:10:08,985 --> 00:10:10,151 All right. 280 00:10:11,865 --> 00:10:13,931 All right, so I... I've working on stuff 281 00:10:14,034 --> 00:10:15,833 for my second album, right? New material. 282 00:10:15,935 --> 00:10:17,302 And it's a little rough, 283 00:10:17,404 --> 00:10:18,902 but... be cool to know what you think. 284 00:10:20,973 --> 00:10:22,123 I got you. 285 00:10:23,709 --> 00:10:25,268 Yeah, I know you do, man. 286 00:10:25,645 --> 00:10:27,247 [CASSIE] Lorne Michaels. 287 00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:29,513 They're shooting his sketch show for NBC. 288 00:10:29,615 --> 00:10:30,981 They want to do it live 289 00:10:31,083 --> 00:10:32,216 out of New York City. 290 00:10:32,318 --> 00:10:33,517 [CASSIE] Live? That's ballsy. 291 00:10:33,619 --> 00:10:35,618 Yeah. They saw a tape 292 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,119 of Girls Are Funny Too, 293 00:10:37,222 --> 00:10:39,189 and he's coming Thursday night to catch your act. 294 00:10:39,291 --> 00:10:42,136 They want to find people who can do, uh, characters. 295 00:10:43,428 --> 00:10:46,214 Well, characters aren't exactly my strong suit. 296 00:10:46,698 --> 00:10:48,665 Cass, look, I didn't call this guy Michaels. 297 00:10:48,766 --> 00:10:50,533 He called me, looking for you. 298 00:10:50,846 --> 00:10:51,845 Mm? 299 00:10:54,938 --> 00:10:56,672 Well, honestly, pretending to be someone else 300 00:10:56,773 --> 00:10:58,592 doesn't sound so bad right now. 301 00:10:59,643 --> 00:11:01,410 What the hell's that supposed to mean? 302 00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,445 Nothing. 303 00:11:03,547 --> 00:11:04,668 [SCOFFS] 304 00:11:05,115 --> 00:11:07,316 Come on, Cass. This is good news. 305 00:11:07,418 --> 00:11:09,729 Why you gotta act like there's a fly in your soup? 306 00:11:14,224 --> 00:11:17,124 [BLUES MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 307 00:11:17,227 --> 00:11:22,230 ? 308 00:11:25,702 --> 00:11:26,999 Damn, Adam. 309 00:11:27,024 --> 00:11:29,525 ? 310 00:11:29,550 --> 00:11:30,624 [CHAMPAGNE POPPING] 311 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:31,881 [LAUGHS] 312 00:11:31,906 --> 00:11:33,540 Get used to that sound, Adam. 313 00:11:33,642 --> 00:11:35,742 It's gonna be raining champagne corks. 314 00:11:35,844 --> 00:11:37,410 That audition for Three Brothers 315 00:11:37,512 --> 00:11:38,845 that we made you go out on? 316 00:11:38,947 --> 00:11:39,946 [ADAM] Uh-huh? 317 00:11:41,173 --> 00:11:42,300 It's yours. 318 00:11:43,017 --> 00:11:45,050 $14,000 an episode, 319 00:11:45,152 --> 00:11:47,853 over $300,000, 320 00:11:47,878 --> 00:11:49,444 courtesy of yours truly... 321 00:11:49,469 --> 00:11:50,499 [BREATHLESS LAUGH] 322 00:11:50,524 --> 00:11:52,343 And John, who drove you to the meeting. 323 00:11:52,727 --> 00:11:53,992 You're welcome. 324 00:11:54,094 --> 00:11:55,294 Thank you, yeah. 325 00:11:55,458 --> 00:11:56,490 Right on. 326 00:11:56,530 --> 00:11:57,929 So, we gonna work on this 327 00:11:58,031 --> 00:11:59,331 and my second album at the same time? 328 00:11:59,433 --> 00:12:01,098 Uh, what do you want, Adam, a hand-job or a blow-job? 329 00:12:02,168 --> 00:12:03,231 Come again? 330 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,423 Hand-job, blow-job. 331 00:12:04,448 --> 00:12:06,180 Albums are a hand-job. 332 00:12:06,205 --> 00:12:08,273 It's fine. Everybody likes a nice tug. 333 00:12:08,375 --> 00:12:09,840 I'm not here to jack you off. 334 00:12:09,942 --> 00:12:11,709 I'm here to suck you dry, right, John? 335 00:12:11,734 --> 00:12:13,334 Yeah, he's here to suck you. 336 00:12:13,359 --> 00:12:14,333 [BRUCE] Thank you. 337 00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:16,180 So why don't we put the album on the back burner 338 00:12:16,283 --> 00:12:18,148 and concentrate on making Adam Proteau 339 00:12:18,173 --> 00:12:19,306 a household name? 340 00:12:19,985 --> 00:12:22,319 You're on the cusp of becoming a serious player, 341 00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:23,553 and with money comes power, 342 00:12:23,578 --> 00:12:24,927 and with power comes whatever 343 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:26,573 and whoever the fuck you want. 344 00:12:26,892 --> 00:12:28,618 I'm gonna roll some calls! 345 00:12:31,797 --> 00:12:33,172 So we good? 346 00:12:34,666 --> 00:12:36,265 Still a little thrown off 347 00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:37,797 by the "suck me dry" thing. 348 00:12:40,538 --> 00:12:42,065 These are great jokes, Ralph. 349 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,839 Really appreciate you delivering 350 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,097 on such short notice. 351 00:12:45,122 --> 00:12:47,310 Come on now, Saul. How long you known me? 352 00:12:47,335 --> 00:12:49,535 Since I was getting that little shit Sonny coffee 353 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,746 and you were the new writer. 354 00:12:50,848 --> 00:12:52,337 [LAUGHS] 355 00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,148 You know, you should be writing jokes for comedy. 356 00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:55,883 Please, I got enough headaches. 357 00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:57,094 Why? What's up? 358 00:12:57,337 --> 00:12:59,521 NBC is looking to fill the late night slot 359 00:12:59,623 --> 00:13:00,955 on Saturday night, where they've been airing 360 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,203 Best of Carson. 361 00:13:02,526 --> 00:13:04,225 Why replace it? The ratings are good. 362 00:13:04,328 --> 00:13:05,960 [SAUL] Golf. They air the clip shows 363 00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:07,372 on weeknights, Johnny gets to play 364 00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:08,760 more golf during the week. 365 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,097 How much golf does a motherfucker play? 366 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,514 Have you ever met a 50-year-old white man? 367 00:13:14,034 --> 00:13:15,815 Golf is their menopause. 368 00:13:16,372 --> 00:13:19,039 Anyway, the network's looking for the next thing. 369 00:13:19,348 --> 00:13:22,576 The mandate is fresh ideas, young faces, 370 00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:24,810 something edgy, subversive. 371 00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:27,123 Then why you producing a show 372 00:13:27,148 --> 00:13:28,816 for Bert Convy's sorry ass? 373 00:13:29,529 --> 00:13:31,584 Bert believed in me when no one else did. 374 00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:34,754 He's like a mentor to me. 375 00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:35,955 I love that guy. 376 00:13:38,059 --> 00:13:40,159 But say I was open to throwing him under the bus. 377 00:13:40,184 --> 00:13:41,213 What do you got? 378 00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:46,663 What I got is just what you looking for. 379 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,434 [CASSIE] [NASALLY] Oh, hi! 380 00:13:49,536 --> 00:13:52,504 I'm your new Bond's girl. 381 00:13:52,606 --> 00:13:54,873 - [LAUGHS] - Kitty Kvetch. 382 00:13:54,898 --> 00:13:57,131 - [ENGLISH ACCENT] Hello, Kitty. - Now listen, James. 383 00:13:57,310 --> 00:13:59,110 I have a little nosh for you 384 00:13:59,212 --> 00:14:00,378 before we go 385 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:01,746 if you want it. 386 00:14:01,848 --> 00:14:03,881 A little white fish salad, 387 00:14:04,270 --> 00:14:06,283 a little warm champagne... 388 00:14:06,308 --> 00:14:07,462 Ooh, my favorite. 389 00:14:07,487 --> 00:14:08,719 - But Bonds.. - Mm-hm. 390 00:14:08,744 --> 00:14:10,210 If you want, you can nosh on me, 391 00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:12,222 because Marty Simkovitz said 392 00:14:12,247 --> 00:14:13,434 I tasted like a cross 393 00:14:13,459 --> 00:14:14,825 between a knish 394 00:14:15,299 --> 00:14:16,360 and some kugel. 395 00:14:16,461 --> 00:14:17,960 [LAUGHS] 396 00:14:18,062 --> 00:14:19,315 Oh, God. 397 00:14:19,731 --> 00:14:20,897 Oh, my God. 398 00:14:21,076 --> 00:14:22,308 That's really good. 399 00:14:22,333 --> 00:14:23,433 And embarrassing. 400 00:14:23,535 --> 00:14:24,667 It's so embarrassing. 401 00:14:24,692 --> 00:14:26,312 You're like a sexy Jewish mother. 402 00:14:26,337 --> 00:14:27,737 I don't know if I want to screw you 403 00:14:27,839 --> 00:14:29,406 or run away from home. 404 00:14:31,910 --> 00:14:33,376 [EDDIE GIGGLING] 405 00:14:33,477 --> 00:14:34,579 [KISSING NOISES] 406 00:14:35,345 --> 00:14:36,612 Oh, wait! Nick! 407 00:14:36,714 --> 00:14:38,747 Nick, come here for a sec. 408 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,144 Just listen to this for a sec. 409 00:14:41,929 --> 00:14:43,496 I'm just, uh, gonna order something. 410 00:14:43,521 --> 00:14:44,953 No, no, no, wait. Just... just for a sec. 411 00:14:44,978 --> 00:14:46,110 Come here. 412 00:14:47,056 --> 00:14:49,023 Come on, just for a sec. 413 00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:51,626 I'm still trying to figure it out. 414 00:14:51,728 --> 00:14:53,093 - I wouldn't... - No, no, no, I know, 415 00:14:53,195 --> 00:14:54,829 but you got... Nick's like a perfect audience. 416 00:14:54,931 --> 00:14:55,963 Here. 417 00:14:56,065 --> 00:14:57,698 Cassie's, uh, got an audition 418 00:14:57,723 --> 00:14:58,845 for a sketch show in New York. 419 00:14:58,870 --> 00:14:59,878 She's doing this thing here. 420 00:14:59,903 --> 00:15:01,135 Wait, it'll take a second. 421 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:02,447 - Nick's gotta go. - Two seconds! 422 00:15:02,472 --> 00:15:04,104 - Come on. - All right, okay, okay. 423 00:15:04,129 --> 00:15:05,557 What, is it gonna hurt you to sit down? 424 00:15:05,557 --> 00:15:07,461 No, wait, scoot over. 425 00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:10,109 Uh, it's... I mean, he told you the bit. 426 00:15:10,134 --> 00:15:11,968 It's... it's Jewish Bond girl. 427 00:15:12,147 --> 00:15:13,914 Kitty Kvetch. [LAUGHS] 428 00:15:14,015 --> 00:15:15,832 But that's it. She's going in on it. 429 00:15:15,857 --> 00:15:17,216 - Yeah, but you have to do it! - You're wearing your tuxedo. 430 00:15:17,319 --> 00:15:19,719 You don't... don't describe it to him... do it! 431 00:15:19,822 --> 00:15:21,421 [EDDIE] Make believe he's, uh... He's Bond, 432 00:15:21,523 --> 00:15:23,089 - and touch his hair and... - All right, Eddie, Eddie. 433 00:15:23,191 --> 00:15:25,090 Just one Jewish mother at a time, huh? 434 00:15:25,827 --> 00:15:28,160 The bit is, like, [ACCENTED] Oh, you're wearing a tuxedo. 435 00:15:28,262 --> 00:15:31,363 It's my cousin Rachael's birthda... uh, bat mitzvah. 436 00:15:31,466 --> 00:15:33,003 Yeah, but do, like the... 437 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,133 ...the-the knish and the cross between 438 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:36,802 - the knish and the thing. - All right, all right. 439 00:15:36,904 --> 00:15:38,222 It's, um... 440 00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:40,093 Oh... 441 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:41,606 [CLEARS THROAT] We have a little nosh 442 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:42,971 if you want it. 443 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:44,976 Uh... 444 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,750 What was... It was, um... 445 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,146 - I have some... - Marty k... Simkovitz. 446 00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:50,949 Um, Simkovitz 447 00:15:51,299 --> 00:15:53,150 says I taste like a knish. 448 00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:54,290 I'm... 449 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,788 I'm... It's still a work in progress. 450 00:15:56,813 --> 00:15:58,109 No, but you had it earlier. 451 00:15:58,134 --> 00:16:00,067 I know. I was working on it. 452 00:16:00,169 --> 00:16:01,307 You had it. 453 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,393 Yeah, you know, I think, uh... 454 00:16:03,418 --> 00:16:04,897 I think I know what the problem is. 455 00:16:05,263 --> 00:16:06,229 Excuse me. 456 00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:07,235 Oh. 457 00:16:08,355 --> 00:16:09,655 Problem is, uh... 458 00:16:13,002 --> 00:16:14,335 you got the wrong Bond. 459 00:16:18,843 --> 00:16:20,275 [NICK] I'll catch you later. 460 00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:27,449 [BRIGHT LATIN TRUMPET MUSIC] 461 00:16:27,474 --> 00:16:28,807 [ARNIE] You know, dentistry's legal. 462 00:16:28,832 --> 00:16:30,162 You don't have to do 463 00:16:30,187 --> 00:16:31,727 this back-alley bullshit anymore. 464 00:16:31,923 --> 00:16:33,889 My uncle Hugo. In Mexico, 465 00:16:33,991 --> 00:16:35,562 he's a respected oral surgeon. 466 00:16:36,092 --> 00:16:37,826 Here, he sells flowers by on-ramps. 467 00:16:37,928 --> 00:16:40,128 Aww. As much as I love a story 468 00:16:40,153 --> 00:16:42,675 of the American dream falling flat on its face, 469 00:16:43,066 --> 00:16:44,866 you really want to sit in a garage 470 00:16:44,968 --> 00:16:46,100 and take phone calls all day? 471 00:16:46,202 --> 00:16:47,168 Unless you want Goldie to catch us 472 00:16:47,270 --> 00:16:48,403 working out of her club. 473 00:16:48,505 --> 00:16:49,904 My uncle's doing us a favor. 474 00:16:49,929 --> 00:16:51,495 Let us install this phone, 475 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:52,654 so we can take shifts. 476 00:16:52,708 --> 00:16:53,841 [SCOFFS] Take shifts? 477 00:16:53,943 --> 00:16:55,242 What are we, cocktail waitresses? 478 00:16:55,344 --> 00:16:56,911 You know what your problem is, Arnie? 479 00:16:57,013 --> 00:16:58,478 Me? Big picture. 480 00:16:58,581 --> 00:17:00,280 You? Mildly retarded. 481 00:17:00,382 --> 00:17:02,082 You know what your problem is, Manny? 482 00:17:02,184 --> 00:17:03,782 - [GRUNTS] - Okay, look. 483 00:17:03,986 --> 00:17:06,286 There's two of us, and we're pretty much booked. 484 00:17:06,388 --> 00:17:08,888 So, since we can't be in Pasadena 485 00:17:08,990 --> 00:17:11,024 or San Diego on the same night, 486 00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:12,959 I'm starting to think we expand our stable. 487 00:17:13,061 --> 00:17:14,627 You really want Goldie to kill us, huh? 488 00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:15,695 Not us. 489 00:17:15,797 --> 00:17:17,363 All of this is Mort. 490 00:17:17,465 --> 00:17:19,032 Mort books Bill 491 00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:20,533 for $100. 492 00:17:20,635 --> 00:17:23,602 Mort tells Bill it's only $75. 493 00:17:23,704 --> 00:17:25,571 - And then we keep the $25? - Yes. 494 00:17:25,673 --> 00:17:26,939 And then we keep the ten percent 495 00:17:27,041 --> 00:17:28,473 that Mort gets on top of that. 496 00:17:28,576 --> 00:17:30,075 Think of all the money we'll make. 497 00:17:30,177 --> 00:17:31,777 Look, I like what it says about us as people, 498 00:17:31,879 --> 00:17:33,579 but how are we gonna get them to go along with it? 499 00:17:34,014 --> 00:17:35,615 I got a plan for that. Trust me. 500 00:17:35,716 --> 00:17:37,049 It's foolproof. 501 00:17:37,150 --> 00:17:40,918 ? 502 00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:44,021 [HEART MONITOR BEEPING] 503 00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:53,033 They say anything new? 504 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:55,491 Uh-uh. 505 00:18:05,921 --> 00:18:07,417 You been here long? 506 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,415 Couple hours. 507 00:18:12,517 --> 00:18:13,683 Mm. 508 00:18:20,124 --> 00:18:22,357 [SIGHS] Should probably get going. 509 00:18:34,711 --> 00:18:36,522 Gotta pick up Amanda. 510 00:18:38,307 --> 00:18:40,407 [DESOLATE MUSIC] 511 00:18:40,432 --> 00:18:41,914 She moved in, you know. 512 00:18:42,378 --> 00:18:44,946 ? 513 00:18:45,048 --> 00:18:46,527 Sounds cozy. 514 00:18:48,330 --> 00:18:50,060 Going to the movies. 515 00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,352 ? 516 00:18:52,915 --> 00:18:55,757 She wanted to see Lenny, if you can believe it. 517 00:18:55,858 --> 00:19:00,894 ? 518 00:19:15,643 --> 00:19:17,609 [LAUGHTER] 519 00:19:17,712 --> 00:19:19,107 - We know. - [LAUGHS] You definitely were. 520 00:19:19,132 --> 00:19:20,233 Here you go. 521 00:19:20,258 --> 00:19:21,357 I got this one. 522 00:19:21,382 --> 00:19:23,114 - Okay. - Yeah, right. 523 00:19:23,216 --> 00:19:24,331 Ain't gonna argue with that. 524 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,250 - Thanks for breakfast, man. - You're welcome. 525 00:19:26,352 --> 00:19:27,552 Edgar, I'm in a rush. 526 00:19:27,654 --> 00:19:29,120 Can we skip the bullshit and get right 527 00:19:29,145 --> 00:19:30,511 - to you forgetting your wallet? - Please. 528 00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:31,900 You do know how a check works, right? 529 00:19:31,925 --> 00:19:33,191 This ain't a dream where you pay the check. 530 00:19:33,216 --> 00:19:34,353 This shit is really happening. 531 00:19:34,354 --> 00:19:35,434 It's cool. 532 00:19:35,464 --> 00:19:37,168 I've been making a lot of money doing road work. 533 00:19:37,332 --> 00:19:38,396 As in repairing them? 534 00:19:38,498 --> 00:19:41,498 [LAUGHTER] 535 00:19:42,902 --> 00:19:44,134 I got a new booker. 536 00:19:44,236 --> 00:19:45,494 His name is Mort. 537 00:19:45,495 --> 00:19:47,004 You know, he's got me going back and forth 538 00:19:47,106 --> 00:19:49,472 between San Diego, Palm Springs, 539 00:19:49,575 --> 00:19:50,808 Pasadena, 540 00:19:50,833 --> 00:19:52,692 all out of Goldie's jurisdiction. 541 00:19:53,112 --> 00:19:54,644 Right? I-it's a gold mine. 542 00:19:56,050 --> 00:19:57,154 Look. 543 00:19:57,949 --> 00:19:59,315 - What? - Okay... 544 00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,717 Is that a $100 bill? 545 00:20:00,819 --> 00:20:02,185 - [EDDIE] Wow. - Is that Monopoly money? 546 00:20:02,210 --> 00:20:03,462 I don't even know who's on those. 547 00:20:03,487 --> 00:20:05,254 This is, uh, his number, if anyone's interested. 548 00:20:05,356 --> 00:20:06,437 Let's see that. 549 00:20:07,859 --> 00:20:10,126 [CASSIE] Reminds me of the drug dealing days. 550 00:20:10,228 --> 00:20:11,824 So your booker is named Mort? 551 00:20:12,389 --> 00:20:14,153 Give him a call. You'll see. 552 00:20:15,232 --> 00:20:17,665 [JAZZY PERCUSSION] 553 00:20:17,768 --> 00:20:19,901 [APPLAUSE] 554 00:20:20,003 --> 00:20:20,769 ? 555 00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,270 Good luck, doll. 556 00:20:22,372 --> 00:20:24,806 Hey, give my best to Donner and Blitzen. 557 00:20:24,831 --> 00:20:25,920 Okay? 558 00:20:27,288 --> 00:20:28,620 [LAUGHS] A little libation? 559 00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:29,878 What are you getting? 560 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:31,591 Oh, Goldie, hold up! 561 00:20:32,507 --> 00:20:33,626 Goldie! 562 00:20:35,450 --> 00:20:36,592 Beth? 563 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,252 Oh, my God! 564 00:20:38,354 --> 00:20:39,920 - Hi. - [LAUGHS] 565 00:20:39,945 --> 00:20:41,810 - Oh! - [LAUGHS] 566 00:20:42,258 --> 00:20:44,212 [GOLDIE] You bought her a bong? 567 00:20:44,627 --> 00:20:45,860 [ROY] Listen, I had to. 568 00:20:45,962 --> 00:20:47,094 She's in college. 569 00:20:47,196 --> 00:20:48,594 She can't roll a joint worth shit. 570 00:20:48,696 --> 00:20:49,763 Am I right? 571 00:20:49,865 --> 00:20:51,297 She's always been terrible at it. 572 00:20:51,399 --> 00:20:53,199 What does your mother think of all this? 573 00:20:53,301 --> 00:20:54,868 Joyce... 574 00:20:54,970 --> 00:20:56,502 You on a first name basis now? 575 00:20:56,604 --> 00:20:58,671 Well, it's nicer than what she usually calls her. 576 00:20:58,774 --> 00:21:01,174 [LAUGHS] 577 00:21:01,354 --> 00:21:02,753 How is your mom? 578 00:21:02,778 --> 00:21:04,543 [BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC] 579 00:21:04,646 --> 00:21:07,012 [SIGHS] Mom's Mom. 580 00:21:07,268 --> 00:21:09,501 Well, she must have done something right. 581 00:21:09,526 --> 00:21:11,060 You turned out okay. 582 00:21:11,085 --> 00:21:12,450 ? 583 00:21:12,552 --> 00:21:13,919 Some things, I guess. 584 00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:16,989 ? 585 00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:19,874 I suppose we remember what we remember, hm? 586 00:21:20,594 --> 00:21:22,393 Gotta do some things in the office. 587 00:21:22,418 --> 00:21:23,404 [ROY] Mm-hm. 588 00:21:23,429 --> 00:21:24,962 You are a beautiful girl. 589 00:21:24,987 --> 00:21:26,219 Isn't she? Proud of her. 590 00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:27,809 [BILL] Give it up for Cassie Feder. 591 00:21:27,834 --> 00:21:29,066 It was so good seeing you. 592 00:21:29,169 --> 00:21:30,501 You too, sweetie. 593 00:21:30,603 --> 00:21:31,903 If you could stop up at some point, 594 00:21:32,005 --> 00:21:33,404 - I need you to sign something. - Yeah, sure. 595 00:21:33,506 --> 00:21:35,506 Beth is going to leave soon. She has homework. 596 00:21:35,608 --> 00:21:37,675 Oh, such the taskmaster, hm? 597 00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:38,819 [CASSIE] Okay, here's what I want 598 00:21:38,844 --> 00:21:40,010 - to talk about. - Bye. 599 00:21:40,112 --> 00:21:42,312 Bond films. Who likes them? 600 00:21:42,414 --> 00:21:43,847 - [CHEERING] - [CASSIE] Right? 601 00:21:43,949 --> 00:21:45,916 [CASSIE] Yeah, everybody loves James Bond movies. 602 00:21:46,018 --> 00:21:47,483 Have you ever thought 603 00:21:47,585 --> 00:21:49,411 about the Bond girls? 604 00:21:50,155 --> 00:21:52,356 You know, they're these beautiful women 605 00:21:52,356 --> 00:21:54,907 from these exotic locations. 606 00:21:55,227 --> 00:21:57,659 - They're French and Italian... - [WHISTLING] 607 00:21:57,761 --> 00:21:59,332 They're Polynesian... 608 00:22:00,097 --> 00:22:01,404 What about a Jew? 609 00:22:01,598 --> 00:22:04,033 [LAUGHTER] 610 00:22:04,768 --> 00:22:06,435 [ACCENTED] Oh, hi. 611 00:22:07,004 --> 00:22:08,748 I'm Kitty Kvetch 612 00:22:08,772 --> 00:22:10,105 of Bay Ridge. 613 00:22:10,208 --> 00:22:12,274 A Bond girl. Who would've thought it? 614 00:22:12,299 --> 00:22:13,251 [LAUGHTER] 615 00:22:13,276 --> 00:22:14,519 So you'll let me know? 616 00:22:14,544 --> 00:22:15,765 - [BETH] Yeah. - [ROY] Okay. 617 00:22:15,790 --> 00:22:16,855 - All right. - Love you, Dad. 618 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:18,159 It's just a phase. 619 00:22:18,614 --> 00:22:20,448 [LAUGHS] 620 00:22:20,550 --> 00:22:22,150 - All right, baby. - Good-bye. 621 00:22:22,252 --> 00:22:24,152 [CASSIE] Now, we're driving around 622 00:22:24,254 --> 00:22:25,686 Monte Carlo 623 00:22:25,788 --> 00:22:27,355 in this car that goes underwater, 624 00:22:27,457 --> 00:22:29,023 shoots bullets out of its tailpipe. 625 00:22:29,125 --> 00:22:30,790 Meanwhile, it's so tiny, 626 00:22:30,893 --> 00:22:32,259 there's no room for my pocketbook. 627 00:22:32,361 --> 00:22:33,493 Oh, also, 628 00:22:33,595 --> 00:22:34,728 bubbeleh, one more thing. 629 00:22:34,830 --> 00:22:37,264 I invited Dr. No for my sister Sadie. 630 00:22:37,366 --> 00:22:38,665 I hope you don't mind. 631 00:22:38,767 --> 00:22:40,500 She usually is partial to lawyers, 632 00:22:40,602 --> 00:22:41,701 but I bet it would be so nice 633 00:22:41,803 --> 00:22:43,070 to have a doctor in the family. 634 00:22:43,172 --> 00:22:44,498 Where are you going? 635 00:22:45,339 --> 00:22:47,173 Cuba? Oh, honey, no. 636 00:22:47,275 --> 00:22:48,875 You know that food doesn't agree with me. 637 00:22:48,977 --> 00:22:50,576 Last time, I had that Di-di-rhe-rhe 638 00:22:50,678 --> 00:22:51,969 when we got back. 639 00:22:52,613 --> 00:22:55,114 No, I'll switch our tickets for Puerto Vallarta. 640 00:22:55,216 --> 00:22:56,949 The Habischman-Goldsteinbergs 641 00:22:57,051 --> 00:22:58,744 go there in the winter, 642 00:22:59,053 --> 00:23:00,652 and they said it's so beautiful, 643 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:02,255 you'll just platz. 644 00:23:02,357 --> 00:23:05,323 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 645 00:23:05,658 --> 00:23:07,825 That should be the new Bond girl, right? 646 00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:10,061 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 647 00:23:10,163 --> 00:23:12,130 [LAUGHS] 648 00:23:12,610 --> 00:23:14,476 You know what? Looking at these blueprints, 649 00:23:14,501 --> 00:23:17,135 if we move the stage ten feet, 650 00:23:17,237 --> 00:23:18,569 we got more room at the bar. 651 00:23:18,671 --> 00:23:20,272 We can pop in two or three more four-tops. 652 00:23:20,374 --> 00:23:21,505 A little late. 653 00:23:21,607 --> 00:23:23,073 Construction starts Monday. 654 00:23:23,175 --> 00:23:25,876 So we show up Monday and we say, "Hey, gotta move" 655 00:23:25,978 --> 00:23:27,644 the... the stage ten feet." 656 00:23:27,746 --> 00:23:29,980 You move the stage, you gotta move everything else. 657 00:23:30,082 --> 00:23:31,315 It's like dominos. 658 00:23:31,417 --> 00:23:33,583 Everything is connected. Don't... you don't understand. 659 00:23:33,685 --> 00:23:34,785 Oh, oh, oh, all right. 660 00:23:34,810 --> 00:23:35,876 Okay, relax. 661 00:23:36,055 --> 00:23:37,388 Okay, render unto Caesar 662 00:23:37,489 --> 00:23:39,309 that which is Caesar's. 663 00:23:39,624 --> 00:23:41,457 I got a good idea. Why don't I do my shtick, 664 00:23:41,559 --> 00:23:43,059 and I'll meet you at the register? 665 00:23:44,229 --> 00:23:46,362 It really is that easy for you, isn't it? 666 00:23:47,742 --> 00:23:48,741 Meaning? 667 00:23:48,766 --> 00:23:49,874 Oh, you know. 668 00:23:50,068 --> 00:23:51,600 Like that tap-dancing act 669 00:23:51,702 --> 00:23:53,236 you got going on with Beth. 670 00:23:53,338 --> 00:23:54,737 W-w-what does Beth 671 00:23:54,839 --> 00:23:56,104 have to do with anything? 672 00:23:56,206 --> 00:23:57,372 Buying drinks, slapping backs. 673 00:23:57,474 --> 00:23:58,773 Is that your end of the bargain? 674 00:23:58,952 --> 00:24:00,452 I'm sorry. Are we having 675 00:24:00,477 --> 00:24:02,156 the same conversation here? 676 00:24:02,157 --> 00:24:05,447 Joyce did all the heavy lifting while you screwed your way 677 00:24:05,549 --> 00:24:06,781 - through the Catskills... - Oh, please. 678 00:24:06,883 --> 00:24:09,551 - That is horse-shit. - And then Beth gives you the applause? 679 00:24:09,653 --> 00:24:11,519 You have no fucking idea 680 00:24:11,621 --> 00:24:13,287 - what I sacrificed. - So tell me. 681 00:24:13,389 --> 00:24:14,956 If I'm wrong, set me straight, Roy. 682 00:24:15,058 --> 00:24:16,390 Here you go. Two signatures. 683 00:24:16,492 --> 00:24:17,658 Give me the fucking pen. 684 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,323 Here and here. 685 00:24:19,539 --> 00:24:21,228 Okay, well, see, this is the problem. 686 00:24:21,331 --> 00:24:22,997 Now you think I'm fair game 687 00:24:23,099 --> 00:24:24,565 because your daughter 688 00:24:24,667 --> 00:24:27,801 doesn't think that the sun rises and sets with you. 689 00:24:27,826 --> 00:24:29,212 That's what this is about. 690 00:24:29,237 --> 00:24:30,358 That's right. 691 00:24:30,872 --> 00:24:32,572 Let's dump them off with the ex-wife, 692 00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:33,897 let her raise them. 693 00:24:33,922 --> 00:24:35,288 That's the secret. 694 00:24:35,313 --> 00:24:36,809 Come waltzing in at the end 695 00:24:36,834 --> 00:24:38,234 for cake and ice cream. 696 00:24:38,259 --> 00:24:39,758 [UNEASY MUSIC] 697 00:24:39,783 --> 00:24:41,014 The truth, isn't it? 698 00:24:41,039 --> 00:24:42,282 Whose truth? 699 00:24:42,917 --> 00:24:44,017 You better be careful 700 00:24:44,042 --> 00:24:45,985 with the love affair you're having with the truth. 701 00:24:46,087 --> 00:24:49,054 ? 702 00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:50,825 There's two sides of that coin. 703 00:24:51,049 --> 00:24:56,095 ? 704 00:24:56,897 --> 00:24:58,094 [LAUGHTER] 705 00:24:58,119 --> 00:24:59,752 Get me a double Scotch... two. 706 00:24:59,777 --> 00:25:01,377 [RON] Unless she's pregnant... 707 00:25:01,402 --> 00:25:02,868 ...which they all are. 708 00:25:02,970 --> 00:25:04,335 Yeah, the entire city of Boston 709 00:25:04,437 --> 00:25:05,970 is actually just one big contest 710 00:25:06,072 --> 00:25:07,438 between the Irish and the Italians 711 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,093 to see who the most fertile is. 712 00:25:09,775 --> 00:25:11,476 So I moved from Tennessee to Boston 713 00:25:11,501 --> 00:25:12,995 when I was 15, 714 00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:15,613 so I moved from the most polite part of the country 715 00:25:15,882 --> 00:25:17,281 to a city where it's proper etiquette 716 00:25:17,306 --> 00:25:18,693 to call your dad a queer. 717 00:25:18,718 --> 00:25:20,250 [LAUGHTER] 718 00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:21,684 [RON] First year I move there, I uh... 719 00:25:21,786 --> 00:25:22,819 I said two. W-why you bring them 720 00:25:22,921 --> 00:25:24,354 one at a time? 721 00:25:24,456 --> 00:25:25,855 Roy, we're gonna be at the bar. Let me know 722 00:25:25,957 --> 00:25:27,524 - when you want to leave. - No, no, no, please, 723 00:25:27,626 --> 00:25:29,126 come on and join me. W-where you going? 724 00:25:29,151 --> 00:25:30,283 Hi, I'm Cassie. 725 00:25:30,308 --> 00:25:31,495 We met once, briefly. 726 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,653 Right, right, right. Come on, I don't bite. 727 00:25:33,678 --> 00:25:35,404 Please, join me. Drinks are on me. Come sit down. 728 00:25:35,429 --> 00:25:37,144 - Let's have a drink. - Just wanna go to the bar... 729 00:25:37,169 --> 00:25:38,791 Come on, like you have somewhere to go. Sit! 730 00:25:38,816 --> 00:25:39,855 Let's have a drink. 731 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:40,913 He's gonna make me pay. 732 00:25:40,938 --> 00:25:42,071 This fucking... 733 00:25:42,173 --> 00:25:43,663 What was... 734 00:25:44,442 --> 00:25:45,674 Sweetheart, 735 00:25:45,776 --> 00:25:47,543 see what my friends want to drink, okay? 736 00:25:47,889 --> 00:25:49,850 Must be a three-drink minimum tonight. 737 00:25:50,348 --> 00:25:52,081 Uh, you guys have been fantastic. 738 00:25:52,183 --> 00:25:53,682 I'm Ron Shack. Thank you so much. 739 00:25:53,784 --> 00:25:56,784 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 740 00:26:00,957 --> 00:26:02,924 Ronnie! That was so good. 741 00:26:03,026 --> 00:26:04,792 Fucking great job, buddy boy. 742 00:26:04,894 --> 00:26:07,420 The mailman finally delivered. 743 00:26:07,928 --> 00:26:09,328 You know what, Roy? Fuck you. 744 00:26:10,133 --> 00:26:11,498 It sounds like it's 745 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,100 Benny time of the month. 746 00:26:13,202 --> 00:26:14,734 All right, guys, come on. 747 00:26:14,759 --> 00:26:16,788 Did you write that for him? Pretty good. 748 00:26:16,990 --> 00:26:18,423 You know, Roy, that actually wasn't my act 749 00:26:18,448 --> 00:26:19,706 you heard up there. 750 00:26:19,808 --> 00:26:21,241 It was footsteps. 751 00:26:21,343 --> 00:26:22,923 I'll see you at the house, Eddie. 752 00:26:23,312 --> 00:26:25,845 Relax. There's a lot of that going around. 753 00:26:28,649 --> 00:26:29,748 [GOLDIE] Oh, hey, Ron. 754 00:26:29,773 --> 00:26:30,793 - [LAUGHS] - [RON] Hey. 755 00:26:30,818 --> 00:26:32,452 - Nice set. - Oh, thank you. 756 00:26:32,554 --> 00:26:33,919 Yeah, just trying to 757 00:26:34,021 --> 00:26:35,555 hone my act for The Tonight Show. 758 00:26:36,438 --> 00:26:37,601 Oh, no, no, no, no. 759 00:26:37,625 --> 00:26:38,740 You're going on as a guest, 760 00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:39,858 not a stand-up. 761 00:26:39,961 --> 00:26:41,594 I'm... I'm sorry. What are y... w-w... 762 00:26:41,619 --> 00:26:42,888 I'm not gonna do stand-up? 763 00:26:42,964 --> 00:26:44,641 No, you're there to plug Watts Local. 764 00:26:44,665 --> 00:26:45,896 I'm sorry. 765 00:26:46,233 --> 00:26:47,765 Your agent should have been clear about that. 766 00:26:47,867 --> 00:26:50,268 Mm, at least you're guaranteed the couch. 767 00:26:50,370 --> 00:26:51,526 Yeah... 768 00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:52,704 Oh, Ron. 769 00:26:52,729 --> 00:26:55,017 You're an attraction. There's no shame in that. 770 00:26:55,270 --> 00:26:56,842 - Attraction. - [GOLDIE] Mm. 771 00:26:56,943 --> 00:26:58,832 Yeah, like a two-headed pig at a fair. 772 00:26:59,236 --> 00:27:00,972 Everybody loves a fair. 773 00:27:01,381 --> 00:27:03,013 Hm? Oh, Mitch, 774 00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:04,703 you gotta catch this next guy. 775 00:27:04,883 --> 00:27:06,082 Yeah. 776 00:27:06,785 --> 00:27:07,985 [JAZZ MUSIC] 777 00:27:08,087 --> 00:27:09,853 [LAUGHTER] 778 00:27:09,955 --> 00:27:14,958 ? 779 00:27:20,031 --> 00:27:23,231 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 780 00:27:33,843 --> 00:27:35,476 I'm not here to bother you. 781 00:27:35,521 --> 00:27:37,279 Sitting across from a guy makes it look like 782 00:27:37,381 --> 00:27:38,932 I got a full dance card. 783 00:27:39,895 --> 00:27:41,950 I'm getting bad vibes tonight. 784 00:27:42,052 --> 00:27:44,186 ? 785 00:27:44,587 --> 00:27:46,273 [SIGHS] Take a load off. 786 00:27:47,090 --> 00:27:48,157 [CLEARS THROAT] 787 00:27:48,259 --> 00:27:49,391 Coffee? 788 00:27:49,493 --> 00:27:50,659 Thanks. 789 00:27:50,761 --> 00:27:52,215 Sal, coffee. 790 00:27:52,396 --> 00:27:55,300 ? 791 00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:57,233 Seen you around here the last few nights. 792 00:27:57,335 --> 00:27:58,535 ? 793 00:27:58,636 --> 00:28:00,803 Furrowed brow, guzzling coffee, 794 00:28:00,828 --> 00:28:02,116 writing stuff... 795 00:28:02,507 --> 00:28:03,783 What, you a reporter? 796 00:28:03,808 --> 00:28:04,911 [SCOFFS] 797 00:28:06,744 --> 00:28:08,178 In a manner of speaking. 798 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:09,512 Ah, okay. 799 00:28:09,614 --> 00:28:12,381 ? 800 00:28:12,873 --> 00:28:14,615 [WOMAN] Oh, that's Father Ortiz. 801 00:28:15,419 --> 00:28:16,718 He's here every week. 802 00:28:17,140 --> 00:28:19,188 Whatever turns you on, I guess. 803 00:28:19,290 --> 00:28:20,811 Uh-uh, no. 804 00:28:21,670 --> 00:28:24,332 He's legit. Nice. 805 00:28:25,081 --> 00:28:27,428 [WOMAN] We girls don't get to church often. 806 00:28:27,838 --> 00:28:29,397 Afraid of the eyes of God? 807 00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:30,898 Ain't God's eyes. 808 00:28:32,825 --> 00:28:34,068 [NICK] So what's his story? 809 00:28:34,436 --> 00:28:35,477 [WOMAN] No story. 810 00:28:35,502 --> 00:28:36,749 He listens. 811 00:28:37,574 --> 00:28:39,640 And he's not all holier-than-thou 812 00:28:39,742 --> 00:28:42,243 and fire-and-brimstone or whatnot. 813 00:28:43,213 --> 00:28:44,728 Then what's he talk about? 814 00:28:45,947 --> 00:28:48,034 Like I said, he don't. 815 00:28:48,985 --> 00:28:50,484 He listens. 816 00:28:50,586 --> 00:28:52,819 ? 817 00:28:52,921 --> 00:28:55,822 ["USE WHAT YOU GOT" BY SUGAR PIE DESANTO PLAYING] 818 00:28:55,924 --> 00:28:57,657 ? I see you looking there ? 819 00:28:57,759 --> 00:28:59,192 ? 820 00:28:59,294 --> 00:29:01,994 ? Do you dig what you see ? 821 00:29:02,096 --> 00:29:04,296 ? I know what that lady's thinking ? 822 00:29:04,398 --> 00:29:07,600 ? She said there ain't much to me ? 823 00:29:07,701 --> 00:29:10,035 ? I ain't got big hips ? 824 00:29:10,138 --> 00:29:11,403 What's the point of Carson 825 00:29:11,506 --> 00:29:13,139 if-if I can't do stand-up? 826 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:14,849 I met Carson. 827 00:29:15,176 --> 00:29:17,075 He was taller than I thought. 828 00:29:17,286 --> 00:29:19,213 Maybe because Ed is so tall, 829 00:29:19,238 --> 00:29:20,876 makes Johnny look short. 830 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:23,977 Have you ever been to a fair? 831 00:29:24,328 --> 00:29:25,260 Yeah. 832 00:29:25,285 --> 00:29:26,817 I was in 4-H. 833 00:29:27,073 --> 00:29:28,540 Raised a goat. 834 00:29:28,565 --> 00:29:30,398 He was like my best friend. 835 00:29:30,423 --> 00:29:31,623 ? 836 00:29:31,648 --> 00:29:33,158 Fairs are cool. 837 00:29:34,528 --> 00:29:35,794 Yeah. 838 00:29:36,461 --> 00:29:37,738 They are cool, aren't they? 839 00:29:37,763 --> 00:29:38,695 Mm. 840 00:29:38,797 --> 00:29:41,431 ? 841 00:29:41,534 --> 00:29:44,521 You so get me. 842 00:29:45,346 --> 00:29:46,703 Okay. 843 00:29:46,805 --> 00:29:47,837 [LAUGHS] 844 00:29:47,939 --> 00:29:52,841 ? 845 00:29:52,943 --> 00:29:54,243 [LAUGHTER] 846 00:29:54,345 --> 00:29:55,911 [ROY] Hey, Shaft, let's do another round... 847 00:29:56,013 --> 00:29:57,380 - [SLURRING] - [BARTENDER] All right. 848 00:29:57,405 --> 00:29:58,658 That's... that's enough. I think we've... 849 00:29:58,683 --> 00:29:59,848 What do you mean, that's enough? 850 00:29:59,873 --> 00:30:01,507 - I think we had enough. - Hey, if we were on the beach, 851 00:30:01,532 --> 00:30:03,129 I'd be kicking sand in your face. 852 00:30:03,154 --> 00:30:04,330 Okay, when do you go to the beach? 853 00:30:04,355 --> 00:30:06,055 Sit down, unless you're already sitting down. 854 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:07,445 I can never tell with this fucking guy. 855 00:30:07,470 --> 00:30:09,035 Hey, hey. 856 00:30:09,060 --> 00:30:10,360 - [EDDIE] Hm. - [ROY] Hello. 857 00:30:10,385 --> 00:30:11,593 How'd you do all this? 858 00:30:11,695 --> 00:30:14,262 H-how'd I do all what? 859 00:30:14,744 --> 00:30:15,746 This. 860 00:30:15,771 --> 00:30:17,098 How did 861 00:30:17,201 --> 00:30:18,366 Roy Martin 862 00:30:18,468 --> 00:30:21,218 get to be Roy Martin? 863 00:30:22,038 --> 00:30:23,130 Well... 864 00:30:23,373 --> 00:30:25,310 I legally changed it 865 00:30:25,609 --> 00:30:27,040 from Moishe Hitler. 866 00:30:27,142 --> 00:30:29,310 [LAUGHTER] 867 00:30:29,335 --> 00:30:30,648 - Oh. - Come on. 868 00:30:30,673 --> 00:30:32,279 I w... come on, tell me. 869 00:30:32,381 --> 00:30:34,715 I w... I'm gonna be Roy Martin. 870 00:30:34,740 --> 00:30:36,194 - [EDDIE] That's disgusting. - Why would anybody 871 00:30:36,219 --> 00:30:37,884 want to fucking be 872 00:30:37,909 --> 00:30:39,029 Roy Martin? 873 00:30:39,054 --> 00:30:41,121 - This is all great, okay? - Is it? 874 00:30:41,224 --> 00:30:43,323 But there's got to be more, 875 00:30:43,425 --> 00:30:46,326 right, than me being judged every night 876 00:30:46,351 --> 00:30:50,186 by a bunch of schmucks eating chicken wings, right? 877 00:30:50,211 --> 00:30:51,297 The fuck she say? 878 00:30:51,399 --> 00:30:52,465 Look... 879 00:30:52,567 --> 00:30:53,533 Right? 880 00:30:53,558 --> 00:30:54,824 What do you want me to say? 881 00:30:56,799 --> 00:30:58,164 That there's more. 882 00:30:59,803 --> 00:31:01,373 That it was all worth it. 883 00:31:01,475 --> 00:31:02,608 Look, doll, 884 00:31:02,866 --> 00:31:04,391 I have balls, 885 00:31:04,511 --> 00:31:06,768 but they ain't crystal. Sorry. 886 00:31:06,793 --> 00:31:08,190 But listen, by all means, 887 00:31:08,215 --> 00:31:09,748 if you still want to stare at them... 888 00:31:09,850 --> 00:31:11,116 - [EDDIE] Yeah, yeah, yeah. - ...I guarantee you, 889 00:31:11,218 --> 00:31:12,584 you won't like what you see. 890 00:31:12,686 --> 00:31:13,952 [LAUGHTER] 891 00:31:14,054 --> 00:31:15,587 [EDDIE] Yes, yes, it's very easy, 892 00:31:15,612 --> 00:31:16,842 because you're going to get that show... 893 00:31:16,867 --> 00:31:18,433 - [ROY] Oh, here we go. - [EDDIE] ...in New York. 894 00:31:18,458 --> 00:31:19,657 We're gonna move there. 895 00:31:19,759 --> 00:31:21,325 - Oh, we're gonna... - We're gonna live in New York. 896 00:31:21,427 --> 00:31:22,727 We're gonna move there? 897 00:31:22,828 --> 00:31:24,428 - And then I'll do the clubs. - Go-go... go sit down. 898 00:31:24,530 --> 00:31:25,563 - Seriously, s-sit. - And you'll work 899 00:31:25,665 --> 00:31:26,997 - on the show... - You're scaring the humans. 900 00:31:27,099 --> 00:31:28,366 - And then we're gonna live... - Thank you! 901 00:31:28,468 --> 00:31:29,900 ...happily ever after. 902 00:31:30,002 --> 00:31:31,201 - Okay, yeah. - Just like that, huh? 903 00:31:31,304 --> 00:31:32,570 - Just like that. - Do you hear that? 904 00:31:32,672 --> 00:31:33,971 Yes, you'll have a wonderful time. 905 00:31:34,073 --> 00:31:35,766 - Okay. - Just like that. 906 00:31:36,054 --> 00:31:37,016 Keys! 907 00:31:37,041 --> 00:31:38,441 Uh, excuse me? 908 00:31:38,466 --> 00:31:39,663 [GURGLES] Keys. 909 00:31:39,688 --> 00:31:40,920 - Come on. - No. 910 00:31:40,945 --> 00:31:41,932 No? 911 00:31:41,957 --> 00:31:43,345 No. [LAUGHS] 912 00:31:43,515 --> 00:31:46,149 How about I turn you upside-down? 913 00:31:46,174 --> 00:31:47,594 Yeah. Well, you're gonna have to. 914 00:31:47,619 --> 00:31:48,695 - Shake you... - Yeah. 915 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:50,153 ...to get the fucking keys? 916 00:31:50,255 --> 00:31:52,521 - Gimme the keys. - Well, I'd like to see you try. 917 00:31:52,623 --> 00:31:54,490 I'll pick you up and I'll hit him with you. 918 00:31:54,515 --> 00:31:55,814 You want me to do that? [LAUGHS] 919 00:31:55,839 --> 00:31:56,902 You better watch out. 920 00:31:56,927 --> 00:31:58,881 - Give me the keys! - I'm not giving you the keys. 921 00:31:58,906 --> 00:31:59,905 Goldie'll kill me. 922 00:31:59,930 --> 00:32:01,430 Who do you work for, hm? 923 00:32:01,532 --> 00:32:03,332 You work for Goldie? I'm over here. 924 00:32:03,434 --> 00:32:05,351 You work for Goldie, or me? 925 00:32:06,673 --> 00:32:07,703 Eh? 926 00:32:08,003 --> 00:32:09,648 I work for you, boss. 927 00:32:09,673 --> 00:32:12,310 Well, now you don't have to deliver papers on Sunday. 928 00:32:13,042 --> 00:32:14,141 Okay, saddle up. 929 00:32:14,243 --> 00:32:15,989 Uh, the car is that way, Moishe. 930 00:32:17,414 --> 00:32:19,480 - Going? - You're a fucking compass now. 931 00:32:19,582 --> 00:32:20,869 That way. 932 00:32:22,952 --> 00:32:24,419 - [EDDIE] Oh... - [CASSIE] We can't do that. 933 00:32:24,521 --> 00:32:26,553 We can't do that back here. 934 00:32:26,655 --> 00:32:28,154 - Okay? - [KISSING SOUND] 935 00:32:28,409 --> 00:32:29,957 [ROY] Hubris! 936 00:32:30,258 --> 00:32:31,692 [LAUGHS] 937 00:32:32,098 --> 00:32:33,247 Sorry. 938 00:32:33,272 --> 00:32:35,472 Uh, Roy, y-you might want to slow down. 939 00:32:35,497 --> 00:32:36,964 It's from the Greeks. 940 00:32:37,874 --> 00:32:39,602 It was a... a pride... 941 00:32:39,713 --> 00:32:40,811 - [EDDIE] Jesus. - ...and ambition 942 00:32:40,836 --> 00:32:42,435 that was so great, 943 00:32:42,537 --> 00:32:44,002 it offended the gods. 944 00:32:44,104 --> 00:32:46,071 [ROY] And trust me, you do not want 945 00:32:46,096 --> 00:32:47,872 to be on the wrong side 946 00:32:47,896 --> 00:32:49,161 of those motherfuckers. 947 00:32:49,186 --> 00:32:50,520 I'll show you what, you don't want to be 948 00:32:50,545 --> 00:32:52,144 - on the wrong side of. - I don't know if... 949 00:32:52,169 --> 00:32:53,565 So Cassie, when are you... 950 00:32:54,181 --> 00:32:55,914 When are you moving to New York with Eddie? 951 00:32:56,188 --> 00:32:57,454 Make it big? 952 00:32:57,861 --> 00:32:59,351 It's just an audition. 953 00:32:59,453 --> 00:33:02,454 [ENGINE REVVING] 954 00:33:02,922 --> 00:33:05,323 Uh, Roy, that was a stop sign right there. 955 00:33:05,348 --> 00:33:06,578 - Was it? - Yeah. 956 00:33:06,603 --> 00:33:08,069 It's an audition? Really? 957 00:33:08,094 --> 00:33:09,494 I thought five minutes ago, 958 00:33:09,596 --> 00:33:11,028 you two were picking out furniture 959 00:33:11,130 --> 00:33:12,397 for your new apartment 960 00:33:12,499 --> 00:33:14,198 on the Upper West Side. 961 00:33:14,921 --> 00:33:17,033 - Here we go. - The fucking arrogance! 962 00:33:17,135 --> 00:33:18,736 Can you slow down, please? 963 00:33:18,838 --> 00:33:20,036 [OMINOUS MUSIC] 964 00:33:20,138 --> 00:33:23,474 You two fucking arrogant idiots. 965 00:33:23,499 --> 00:33:25,018 What the fuck, Roy? Slow down, huh? 966 00:33:25,043 --> 00:33:27,378 Do you think love conquers all? 967 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,446 - [ROY] Huh? Because it doesn't. - [EDDIE] What? 968 00:33:29,548 --> 00:33:30,681 It obliterates! 969 00:33:30,706 --> 00:33:31,992 W-what are you even talking about? 970 00:33:32,017 --> 00:33:34,049 Oh, come on. Cassie gets it. Don't you, Cassie? 971 00:33:34,151 --> 00:33:35,238 [ROY] 'Cause she already has 972 00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:36,763 one foot out the door! 973 00:33:36,788 --> 00:33:38,621 - [SCREAMS] - Jesus Christ! 974 00:33:38,723 --> 00:33:39,955 [TIRES SQUEALING] 975 00:33:40,057 --> 00:33:41,557 [ROY] Go ahead. Tell him 976 00:33:41,659 --> 00:33:44,312 that Eddie's just a big fucking anchor! 977 00:33:44,312 --> 00:33:46,061 Come on. The gods are waiting. 978 00:33:46,159 --> 00:33:48,699 ? 979 00:33:48,724 --> 00:33:49,976 - [TIRES SQUEAL] - Roy, please, come on! 980 00:33:50,001 --> 00:33:51,255 I have met you. 981 00:33:52,135 --> 00:33:54,503 I see you every morning in the mirror. 982 00:33:54,827 --> 00:33:57,005 You'd gnaw your own arm off 983 00:33:57,107 --> 00:33:58,874 just so you could be that thing. 984 00:33:58,975 --> 00:34:00,141 Be what fucking thing? 985 00:34:00,243 --> 00:34:01,610 Whatever the fuck that thing is 986 00:34:01,712 --> 00:34:03,478 that keeps you running away! 987 00:34:03,580 --> 00:34:04,913 [CASSIE] I'm not running from anything. 988 00:34:05,015 --> 00:34:06,448 I'm not running away from anything. 989 00:34:06,550 --> 00:34:07,915 [ROY] Don't fucking give me your bullshit! 990 00:34:08,017 --> 00:34:10,250 Every goddamn asshole comic 991 00:34:10,352 --> 00:34:12,286 who ever spit into a Mic 992 00:34:12,388 --> 00:34:14,455 - was fucking running away! - [EDDIE] Roy, Roy... 993 00:34:14,557 --> 00:34:17,825 - Roy, just pull the car over. - Oh, you're such a fucking sap, Eddie. 994 00:34:17,927 --> 00:34:19,159 [ROY] Listen to yourself. 995 00:34:19,261 --> 00:34:21,729 A regular fucking Dudley Do-Right. 996 00:34:21,831 --> 00:34:23,631 Think you're gonna find happiness 997 00:34:23,733 --> 00:34:25,634 in this fucking business? 998 00:34:25,821 --> 00:34:27,034 [ROY] There's no happiness, 999 00:34:27,135 --> 00:34:28,367 or happy family, 1000 00:34:28,470 --> 00:34:30,080 or picket fence! 1001 00:34:30,546 --> 00:34:32,338 You see, the people you love... 1002 00:34:32,441 --> 00:34:33,807 They will kill you, 1003 00:34:33,909 --> 00:34:36,275 either by making you stay 1004 00:34:36,377 --> 00:34:38,144 or letting you go. 1005 00:34:38,246 --> 00:34:39,879 So you know what you gotta do, Eddie? 1006 00:34:39,981 --> 00:34:41,880 You gotta open your eyes... Open your eyes... 1007 00:34:41,982 --> 00:34:43,549 - And look at her. - Okay, all right, all right. 1008 00:34:43,651 --> 00:34:46,284 And see that there is no room for you 1009 00:34:46,309 --> 00:34:47,696 - in them! - I love Eddie! 1010 00:34:47,721 --> 00:34:49,193 - Kiss him. - What? 1011 00:34:49,218 --> 00:34:50,522 - [EDDIE] Jesus Christ! - [CAR HORN BLARES] 1012 00:34:50,624 --> 00:34:51,990 Roy, Roy, what are you, crazy? 1013 00:34:52,092 --> 00:34:53,425 If you do love him, you will kiss him, 1014 00:34:53,527 --> 00:34:54,827 or so help me, Christ, 1015 00:34:54,929 --> 00:34:56,795 we will be holding hands together 1016 00:34:56,897 --> 00:34:59,029 on our way to wherever the fuck... 1017 00:34:59,131 --> 00:35:00,465 I'm kissing him! 1018 00:35:00,490 --> 00:35:02,289 I'm not buying it. More tongue! 1019 00:35:02,314 --> 00:35:03,334 Stop the fucking car! 1020 00:35:03,436 --> 00:35:04,502 You are seeing 1021 00:35:04,604 --> 00:35:06,337 that the gods do not give 1022 00:35:06,439 --> 00:35:07,972 with both hands! 1023 00:35:08,429 --> 00:35:10,099 [ROY] Best case scenario: 1024 00:35:10,124 --> 00:35:11,719 the people you love 1025 00:35:11,744 --> 00:35:13,410 will fucking forgive you, 1026 00:35:13,513 --> 00:35:14,779 but they will do it in a way 1027 00:35:14,881 --> 00:35:16,580 where you can't forgive yourself! 1028 00:35:16,682 --> 00:35:17,948 - Okay, Roy. - [ROY] And you hating you... 1029 00:35:18,049 --> 00:35:19,516 All right, all right. 1030 00:35:19,618 --> 00:35:20,851 - ...is their leverage! - [EDDIE] Roy! Roy! 1031 00:35:20,876 --> 00:35:21,974 Do you understand? 1032 00:35:21,999 --> 00:35:23,102 They will play you like a fiddle... 1033 00:35:23,127 --> 00:35:24,338 Look at the road! 1034 00:35:24,524 --> 00:35:26,623 And you will dance like 1035 00:35:26,725 --> 00:35:28,525 - you're wearing red shoes! - Stop the fucking car! 1036 00:35:28,627 --> 00:35:30,861 - Like the two fucking... - [CASSIE] Fucking stop! 1037 00:35:30,963 --> 00:35:32,195 - Fucking stop! - That's enough! 1038 00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:33,696 [BRAKES SQUEAL] 1039 00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:38,834 ? 1040 00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:42,173 Okay. 1041 00:35:47,778 --> 00:35:49,378 Commitment to the bit. 1042 00:35:53,506 --> 00:35:54,516 What? 1043 00:35:55,213 --> 00:35:57,485 You asked how Roy Martin 1044 00:35:57,587 --> 00:35:59,320 got to be Roy Martin. 1045 00:36:00,390 --> 00:36:01,519 That's how. 1046 00:36:02,692 --> 00:36:04,551 [ROY] Commitment to the bit. 1047 00:36:07,046 --> 00:36:08,371 All right. 1048 00:36:08,611 --> 00:36:10,484 What do you say we go to Canter's? 1049 00:36:11,747 --> 00:36:13,546 I could use a cream soda. 1050 00:36:26,527 --> 00:36:28,127 Now you be safe out there, okay? 1051 00:36:28,229 --> 00:36:29,883 - [WOMAN] Thank you, Father. - [NICK] Hey, Wheels. 1052 00:36:30,348 --> 00:36:32,201 What is it you think you're doing here? 1053 00:36:33,562 --> 00:36:35,029 Forgiving people 1054 00:36:35,349 --> 00:36:37,383 so they have permission to forgive themselves. 1055 00:36:37,980 --> 00:36:39,154 Why? 1056 00:36:39,485 --> 00:36:40,818 What are you doing here? 1057 00:36:42,229 --> 00:36:43,879 You ever think you're fucking up? 1058 00:36:45,495 --> 00:36:47,625 Forgiving people who shouldn't be forgiven? 1059 00:36:48,617 --> 00:36:50,342 Everybody deserves forgiveness. 1060 00:36:50,444 --> 00:36:51,637 Mm... 1061 00:36:52,479 --> 00:36:54,366 Lot of sick fucks out there, Father. 1062 00:36:55,449 --> 00:36:57,401 What would you propose that I do? 1063 00:36:59,152 --> 00:37:01,652 [NICK] Well, damn them to hell sounds pretty good. 1064 00:37:03,189 --> 00:37:04,824 [SPARKS LIGHTER] 1065 00:37:05,591 --> 00:37:07,491 You don't have anything that you would like 1066 00:37:07,593 --> 00:37:08,759 to be forgiven for? 1067 00:37:11,515 --> 00:37:13,221 It's a bicycle and a box, 1068 00:37:13,517 --> 00:37:14,967 not a time machine. 1069 00:37:16,742 --> 00:37:17,937 May I ask you something? 1070 00:37:19,155 --> 00:37:20,644 Do you like who you are? 1071 00:37:21,410 --> 00:37:23,000 Do I like who I am? 1072 00:37:27,898 --> 00:37:29,313 I have my moments. 1073 00:37:38,763 --> 00:37:40,734 Certain things, maybe... 1074 00:37:42,310 --> 00:37:43,757 Good things? 1075 00:37:44,568 --> 00:37:46,802 Things that you would hate to lose about yourself? 1076 00:37:48,772 --> 00:37:49,971 I'm no saint. 1077 00:37:49,996 --> 00:37:51,991 Not the point, nor the question. 1078 00:37:54,744 --> 00:37:56,193 Sure, yeah. 1079 00:37:56,479 --> 00:37:58,212 There's things. 1080 00:38:00,096 --> 00:38:01,431 He did that too. 1081 00:38:02,393 --> 00:38:03,689 Who, God? 1082 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:05,586 Your transgressor. 1083 00:38:05,688 --> 00:38:07,154 [EERIE MUSIC] 1084 00:38:07,776 --> 00:38:09,065 Who you are. 1085 00:38:09,336 --> 00:38:10,698 Good, bad, 1086 00:38:11,226 --> 00:38:13,942 what you like, don't like about yourself... 1087 00:38:14,496 --> 00:38:17,739 You are the sum of all those experiences. 1088 00:38:18,300 --> 00:38:19,933 Remove any moment, 1089 00:38:20,035 --> 00:38:22,443 pain or joy, from your life, 1090 00:38:23,171 --> 00:38:25,204 you erase the best parts 1091 00:38:25,306 --> 00:38:27,239 of who you are along with them. 1092 00:38:27,341 --> 00:38:30,076 ? 1093 00:38:30,178 --> 00:38:31,977 So what, I should thank him? 1094 00:38:32,584 --> 00:38:33,838 No. 1095 00:38:34,448 --> 00:38:35,948 Forgive your monsters. 1096 00:38:37,755 --> 00:38:39,251 Don't let them have any more. 1097 00:38:39,989 --> 00:38:41,418 They've taken enough. 1098 00:38:41,521 --> 00:38:46,524 ? 1099 00:38:47,293 --> 00:38:50,195 [PYTHON LEE JACKSON'S "IN A BROKEN DREAM" PLAYING] 1100 00:38:50,296 --> 00:38:55,299 ? 1101 00:39:31,568 --> 00:39:34,803 ? Every day, I spend my time ? 1102 00:39:34,905 --> 00:39:37,973 ? Drinking wine, feeling fine ? 1103 00:39:38,075 --> 00:39:41,442 ? Waiting here to find the sign ? 1104 00:39:41,544 --> 00:39:45,046 ? That I can understand ? 1105 00:39:45,149 --> 00:39:47,149 ? Yes I am ? 1106 00:39:47,251 --> 00:39:50,317 ? In the days between the hours ? 1107 00:39:50,419 --> 00:39:53,120 ? Ivory towers, bloody flowers ? 1108 00:39:53,222 --> 00:39:56,190 ? Push their heads into the air ? 1109 00:39:56,292 --> 00:39:57,858 ? I don't care ? 1110 00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:00,294 ? If I ever know ? 1111 00:40:00,396 --> 00:40:01,662 ? There I go ? 1112 00:40:01,764 --> 00:40:05,498 ? 1113 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:08,467 ? Don't push your luck ? 1114 00:40:08,569 --> 00:40:11,537 ? Too far ? 1115 00:40:11,639 --> 00:40:14,874 ? Your wounds won't leave ? 1116 00:40:14,976 --> 00:40:17,443 ? A scar ? 1117 00:40:17,545 --> 00:40:20,579 ? Right now is where ? 1118 00:40:20,682 --> 00:40:23,515 ? You are ? 1119 00:40:23,617 --> 00:40:26,551 ? In a broken dream ? 1120 00:40:26,653 --> 00:40:28,453 ? 1121 00:40:28,555 --> 00:40:31,190 ? Oh ? 1122 00:40:31,550 --> 00:40:32,868 Don't do this. 1123 00:40:32,893 --> 00:40:37,930 ? 1124 00:40:40,166 --> 00:40:43,301 ? I'm sitting in my lonely room ? 1125 00:40:43,402 --> 00:40:48,405 ? 1126 00:40:54,214 --> 00:40:58,581 ? Don't push your luck too far ? 1127 00:40:58,683 --> 00:40:59,716 [PHONE RINGS] 1128 00:40:59,818 --> 00:41:01,751 ? You know your wounds ? 1129 00:41:01,854 --> 00:41:03,553 ? Won't even leave a scar ? 1130 00:41:03,655 --> 00:41:05,103 [PHONE RINGS] 1131 00:41:05,423 --> 00:41:07,390 ? Right now ? 1132 00:41:07,415 --> 00:41:08,335 Oh. 1133 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:09,692 [PHONE RINGS] 1134 00:41:15,399 --> 00:41:16,732 - Yeah? - [MORRIS] Hello, Ron. 1135 00:41:16,834 --> 00:41:18,968 - Hope I didn't wake you. - All right. 1136 00:41:19,070 --> 00:41:20,435 [MORRIS] Ronny, quick question: 1137 00:41:20,460 --> 00:41:22,514 Is there any place you're supposed to be right now? 1138 00:41:22,539 --> 00:41:23,973 Someplace important? 1139 00:41:24,392 --> 00:41:26,842 Someplace involving your sitcom 1140 00:41:26,944 --> 00:41:28,310 and a bunch of actors 1141 00:41:28,412 --> 00:41:29,578 who are sitting around, 1142 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:31,246 waiting for you to show up? 1143 00:41:31,425 --> 00:41:33,358 Something like fucking rehearsal? 1144 00:41:33,383 --> 00:41:34,949 - [JAZZY PERCUSSION MUSIC] - Fuck. 1145 00:41:35,051 --> 00:41:36,955 You're gonna write a number down, 1146 00:41:36,955 --> 00:41:38,586 and you're gonna call a doctor 1147 00:41:38,688 --> 00:41:39,787 who focuses on people 1148 00:41:39,890 --> 00:41:41,655 who come dangerously close 1149 00:41:41,758 --> 00:41:43,324 to losing the only source 1150 00:41:43,349 --> 00:41:44,586 - of income... - [DOORBELL RINGS] 1151 00:41:44,611 --> 00:41:46,371 ...they may ever see. 1152 00:41:46,372 --> 00:41:47,761 He's going to examine you. 1153 00:41:47,863 --> 00:41:49,059 Then he's going to send me 1154 00:41:49,084 --> 00:41:50,283 a note detailing 1155 00:41:50,308 --> 00:41:52,442 the unimaginable sufferings 1156 00:41:52,467 --> 00:41:53,633 you've been experiencing, 1157 00:41:53,735 --> 00:41:54,968 and he'll be paid handsomely 1158 00:41:55,070 --> 00:41:56,933 for it by you. 1159 00:41:57,418 --> 00:41:59,651 Meanwhile, I'll call your employer 1160 00:41:59,942 --> 00:42:01,508 and explain the situation, 1161 00:42:01,610 --> 00:42:03,943 after which, we'll exchange pleasantries, 1162 00:42:04,045 --> 00:42:05,511 and then we'll all agree 1163 00:42:05,613 --> 00:42:07,657 that this will never happen again. 1164 00:42:08,262 --> 00:42:10,116 I sure hope it doesn't, Ron, 1165 00:42:10,450 --> 00:42:12,205 because I really hate good-byes. 1166 00:42:12,620 --> 00:42:17,656 ? 1167 00:42:22,129 --> 00:42:23,566 [PHONE RINGS] 1168 00:42:33,773 --> 00:42:35,876 [PHONE LINE TRILLING] 1169 00:42:41,547 --> 00:42:43,380 - [RALPH] A sitcom? - [ADAM] Yeah. 1170 00:42:43,405 --> 00:42:44,758 [ADAM] Can you believe it? I'ma be making 1171 00:42:44,783 --> 00:42:46,317 more than $300,000. 1172 00:42:46,496 --> 00:42:47,645 [ADAM] Me! 1173 00:42:48,054 --> 00:42:49,675 [RALPH] I surely can. 1174 00:42:50,941 --> 00:42:52,185 Seriously? 1175 00:42:52,988 --> 00:42:55,454 Ah, for fuck's sake! 1176 00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:58,316 Jesus fucking Christ! 1177 00:43:07,445 --> 00:43:08,492 I'm sorry. 1178 00:43:08,517 --> 00:43:09,859 Congratulations, Adam. 1179 00:43:10,161 --> 00:43:11,323 You deserve it. 1180 00:43:11,943 --> 00:43:14,642 Just like fucking Ron deserves it, 1181 00:43:14,667 --> 00:43:15,797 Cassie deserves it, 1182 00:43:15,822 --> 00:43:17,189 everybody fucking 1183 00:43:17,214 --> 00:43:18,440 deserves shit 1184 00:43:18,465 --> 00:43:19,791 in my fucking life! 1185 00:43:20,114 --> 00:43:21,483 [EDDIE SCREAMS] 1186 00:43:26,301 --> 00:43:27,522 I'm sorry. 1187 00:43:27,624 --> 00:43:29,042 If you'll excuse me, 1188 00:43:29,292 --> 00:43:31,274 I'm just gonna take a couple deep breaths, 1189 00:43:31,591 --> 00:43:33,595 turn on the gas in the oven, and... 1190 00:43:33,796 --> 00:43:35,329 clean it from the inside. 1191 00:43:36,265 --> 00:43:38,732 Kind of veering away from your apology, Eddie. 1192 00:43:38,834 --> 00:43:40,634 Mm, just a little bit. 1193 00:43:42,545 --> 00:43:43,577 You're right. 1194 00:43:45,156 --> 00:43:46,646 Congratulations, Adam. 1195 00:43:48,743 --> 00:43:50,310 And fuck the gods! 1196 00:43:53,882 --> 00:43:55,027 What's in the envelope? 1197 00:43:55,052 --> 00:43:57,544 Oh, it's nothing. Some Bert Convy jokes. 1198 00:43:57,852 --> 00:43:59,285 Tell me about the show, Hollywood. 1199 00:43:59,388 --> 00:44:01,474 Oh, I'm actually glad you asked. Look, I... 1200 00:44:01,802 --> 00:44:03,389 Any way I can ask for another favor? 1201 00:44:03,491 --> 00:44:05,024 I mean, I think it's good, but... 1202 00:44:05,126 --> 00:44:07,092 Hey, if there's donuts, no problem. 1203 00:44:07,194 --> 00:44:08,400 Cool. 1204 00:44:08,795 --> 00:44:11,696 [UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC] 1205 00:44:11,798 --> 00:44:16,435 ? 1206 00:44:16,537 --> 00:44:18,404 [PHONE RINGS] 1207 00:44:18,506 --> 00:44:23,508 ? 1208 00:44:25,445 --> 00:44:27,711 [ACCENTED] Mort's booking. Mort speaking. 1209 00:44:27,813 --> 00:44:30,481 Hey, uh, Mort. It's Bill Hobbs. 1210 00:44:30,583 --> 00:44:32,450 ? 1211 00:44:32,552 --> 00:44:35,453 [BIG BAND MUSIC FROM TV] 1212 00:44:35,555 --> 00:44:40,557 ? 1213 00:44:41,527 --> 00:44:42,892 [RON] So you the stand-up? 1214 00:44:43,165 --> 00:44:44,329 Yeah. 1215 00:44:45,105 --> 00:44:46,905 You're the "Benny time" guy, right? 1216 00:44:48,017 --> 00:44:49,465 I'm Tommy Gilhardi. 1217 00:44:49,568 --> 00:44:52,569 [INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER TV] 1218 00:44:54,405 --> 00:44:55,737 I'm a little bit more than that. 1219 00:44:56,096 --> 00:44:57,363 Benny time, I mean. 1220 00:44:57,390 --> 00:44:58,661 Way more. 1221 00:44:59,246 --> 00:45:00,742 I'm a stand-up, too. 1222 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:04,044 I didn't mean nothing by it. 1223 00:45:04,482 --> 00:45:05,747 Yeah, don't sweat it. 1224 00:45:05,849 --> 00:45:07,116 Have a good set. 1225 00:45:07,218 --> 00:45:08,280 [TOMMY] Thanks. 1226 00:45:09,687 --> 00:45:11,053 [APPLAUSE] 1227 00:45:11,154 --> 00:45:12,287 [JOHNNY] Is it true, 1228 00:45:12,389 --> 00:45:14,289 uh, you were discovered 1229 00:45:14,391 --> 00:45:16,591 as a doorman at Goldie's? 1230 00:45:16,693 --> 00:45:18,059 Yes sir, yeah. I actually, uh, 1231 00:45:18,161 --> 00:45:19,227 still do stand-up there regularly. 1232 00:45:19,329 --> 00:45:20,595 - [JOHNNY] Mm. - You know, I love TV, 1233 00:45:20,697 --> 00:45:21,963 but stand-up, that's... 1234 00:45:22,065 --> 00:45:23,798 That's where the real comedy's at. 1235 00:45:24,121 --> 00:45:26,767 But you're enjoying your time at Watts Local. 1236 00:45:26,869 --> 00:45:28,202 Are you enjoying Watts Local? 1237 00:45:28,304 --> 00:45:29,681 [LAUGHTER] 1238 00:45:29,681 --> 00:45:31,972 I mean, I'm on the show, and I don't watch it, so... 1239 00:45:31,997 --> 00:45:33,963 I'm enjoying the paycheck. I'll tell you that much. 1240 00:45:33,988 --> 00:45:34,995 [LAUGHTER] 1241 00:45:35,020 --> 00:45:36,387 [RON] You know, these sitcoms... 1242 00:45:36,412 --> 00:45:38,378 They're all just kind of stuck in a rut. 1243 00:45:38,653 --> 00:45:40,124 - In a rut? - Yeah, yeah. 1244 00:45:40,149 --> 00:45:42,316 They're in a rut, and to experience true comedy, 1245 00:45:42,341 --> 00:45:43,394 real comedy, 1246 00:45:43,419 --> 00:45:45,151 guy like Me's gotta get up in the clubs. 1247 00:45:45,253 --> 00:45:47,472 Wow, yeah. Mm. 1248 00:45:48,137 --> 00:45:49,489 Ron, um, 1249 00:45:49,591 --> 00:45:51,357 I know you're new at this, 1250 00:45:51,459 --> 00:45:53,659 but I'm not sure you understand 1251 00:45:53,761 --> 00:45:55,728 how "come on and talk about the show" 1252 00:45:55,830 --> 00:45:57,564 - actually works. - [LAUGHS] 1253 00:45:58,598 --> 00:46:00,942 Okay, everybody. We're going to commercial. 1254 00:46:00,968 --> 00:46:02,134 When we come back, 1255 00:46:02,236 --> 00:46:04,068 stand-up Tommy Gilhardi 1256 00:46:04,171 --> 00:46:06,538 will be making his Tonight Show debut, 1257 00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:07,672 so stick around. 1258 00:46:07,774 --> 00:46:09,707 [APPLAUSE] 1259 00:46:09,809 --> 00:46:12,511 [BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC] 1260 00:46:12,613 --> 00:46:14,246 [QUIETLY] At least the last comic 1261 00:46:14,348 --> 00:46:16,014 who committed suicide on my show 1262 00:46:16,116 --> 00:46:17,215 had the decency to wait 1263 00:46:17,317 --> 00:46:19,308 until he left the fucking studio. 1264 00:46:19,752 --> 00:46:23,220 ? 1265 00:46:23,322 --> 00:46:25,456 [EDGAR] One more time for Adam Proteau! 1266 00:46:25,558 --> 00:46:26,723 Let him hear it. 1267 00:46:26,825 --> 00:46:28,526 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1268 00:46:28,628 --> 00:46:29,726 Adam. 1269 00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:31,395 Hey, caught your act. 1270 00:46:31,497 --> 00:46:33,664 Ralph is right about you. You got it. 1271 00:46:33,766 --> 00:46:35,779 Ah, thank you. You one of Ralph's friends? 1272 00:46:36,105 --> 00:46:37,336 Saul Hudson. 1273 00:46:37,536 --> 00:46:38,568 Yeah. 1274 00:46:38,670 --> 00:46:40,902 Guy who was gonna produce yours and Ralph's sketch show. 1275 00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:42,605 Right. 1276 00:46:43,355 --> 00:46:44,387 I get it. 1277 00:46:45,843 --> 00:46:47,931 Lots to be said for a bird in the hand. 1278 00:46:48,313 --> 00:46:49,879 [EDGAR] I think we're all on board, right? 1279 00:46:49,981 --> 00:46:51,447 I know what you're thinking. 1280 00:46:51,550 --> 00:46:54,149 I look like Mr. Potato Head, face-up. 1281 00:46:57,555 --> 00:46:59,354 What does that mean? I don't understand... 1282 00:47:09,285 --> 00:47:10,534 You mind? 1283 00:47:11,668 --> 00:47:13,097 Are you over 21? 1284 00:47:13,122 --> 00:47:14,221 [LAUGHS] 1285 00:47:18,727 --> 00:47:20,360 I am so sorry. 1286 00:47:21,678 --> 00:47:23,436 I thought about it. I... 1287 00:47:23,979 --> 00:47:26,280 really couldn't mount much of a defense. 1288 00:47:26,632 --> 00:47:28,788 You don't have to, certainly not for me. 1289 00:47:29,346 --> 00:47:31,546 Last Mother's Day card I got from Amanda 1290 00:47:31,571 --> 00:47:33,070 was in crayon. 1291 00:47:39,921 --> 00:47:41,554 Regular Mother Machree. 1292 00:47:48,330 --> 00:47:49,558 I don't know. 1293 00:47:49,783 --> 00:47:51,809 Maybe Amanda's right to hate me. 1294 00:47:52,671 --> 00:47:54,215 She doesn't hate you. 1295 00:47:55,237 --> 00:47:56,937 Just doesn't know you. 1296 00:47:57,774 --> 00:48:00,531 [MELANCHOLY MUSIC] 1297 00:48:00,531 --> 00:48:02,181 Same reason Beth loves me. 1298 00:48:02,865 --> 00:48:07,301 ? 1299 00:48:08,699 --> 00:48:11,081 And you work your whole fucking life... 1300 00:48:11,105 --> 00:48:13,173 ? 1301 00:48:13,275 --> 00:48:15,220 ...sacrifice everything, 1302 00:48:16,054 --> 00:48:17,920 still come away palms-up. 1303 00:48:17,945 --> 00:48:22,981 ? 1304 00:48:32,498 --> 00:48:33,897 [SIGHS] 1305 00:48:37,062 --> 00:48:38,195 I'm broke. 1306 00:48:40,276 --> 00:48:41,299 Oh... 1307 00:48:41,401 --> 00:48:44,768 ? 1308 00:48:45,101 --> 00:48:47,168 I pulled in six figures last year. 1309 00:48:47,193 --> 00:48:48,926 ? 1310 00:48:48,951 --> 00:48:51,386 I still got a little scratch, but, uh... 1311 00:48:51,411 --> 00:48:55,478 ? 1312 00:48:55,581 --> 00:48:57,814 ...if this club doesn't fucking work... 1313 00:48:57,916 --> 00:49:02,919 ? 1314 00:49:03,833 --> 00:49:05,566 Saw your friend Saul tonight. 1315 00:49:05,591 --> 00:49:07,675 Ah. Acquired taste, 1316 00:49:08,884 --> 00:49:10,058 but he's cool. 1317 00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:13,061 [BLUES MUSIC OVER RADIO] 1318 00:49:13,163 --> 00:49:14,396 ? 1319 00:49:14,651 --> 00:49:15,851 You read the script? 1320 00:49:15,876 --> 00:49:17,982 Man, I wanted to hate that shit, 1321 00:49:18,604 --> 00:49:19,819 but it's good. 1322 00:49:20,139 --> 00:49:21,491 It's real good. 1323 00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:24,223 Better than your sketch idea? 1324 00:49:24,682 --> 00:49:25,720 Mm. 1325 00:49:25,745 --> 00:49:27,176 ? 1326 00:49:27,278 --> 00:49:29,278 300,000 bucks better. 1327 00:49:29,848 --> 00:49:31,734 What if it wasn't no 300,000? 1328 00:49:32,384 --> 00:49:33,784 Take the money out of it. 1329 00:49:33,919 --> 00:49:35,250 ? 1330 00:49:35,250 --> 00:49:37,432 That's like saying, "taking gravity out of it." 1331 00:49:38,569 --> 00:49:39,686 I'm asking. 1332 00:49:39,788 --> 00:49:43,488 ? 1333 00:49:43,888 --> 00:49:44,991 Look... 1334 00:49:45,592 --> 00:49:46,825 I could throw a rock 1335 00:49:46,927 --> 00:49:48,493 and hit 50 black dudes 1336 00:49:48,518 --> 00:49:50,021 that could play that role. 1337 00:49:50,046 --> 00:49:54,733 ? 1338 00:49:55,413 --> 00:49:56,553 But this? 1339 00:49:57,390 --> 00:49:58,722 This only you. 1340 00:49:58,972 --> 00:50:02,906 ? 1341 00:50:03,105 --> 00:50:04,425 My new album. 1342 00:50:05,354 --> 00:50:06,944 That ain't an album. 1343 00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:09,613 That's a motherfucking series, Adam. 1344 00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:14,719 ? 1345 00:50:17,856 --> 00:50:20,283 Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.... 1346 00:50:21,814 --> 00:50:22,902 ...a shit-load. 1347 00:50:22,927 --> 00:50:24,102 [SOFT LAUGHTER] 1348 00:50:26,598 --> 00:50:28,365 I want to start out by congratulating you, Father. 1349 00:50:28,390 --> 00:50:31,475 You managed to get me into a dark, enclosed space alone. 1350 00:50:32,336 --> 00:50:34,015 Your dream, not mine. 1351 00:50:34,938 --> 00:50:37,606 Feels like we probably could have done this in a living room. 1352 00:50:37,708 --> 00:50:39,775 [LAUGHTER] 1353 00:50:39,877 --> 00:50:41,341 Or in a public park. 1354 00:50:42,747 --> 00:50:45,033 I've been a real, uh, prick... 1355 00:50:45,649 --> 00:50:47,750 ...lately, just a grade-A prick. 1356 00:50:49,319 --> 00:50:51,019 And I need to wipe that slate clean, 1357 00:50:51,121 --> 00:50:53,521 toute suite, padre. 1358 00:50:56,058 --> 00:50:58,023 I'm a liar. I'm obscene. 1359 00:50:58,995 --> 00:51:00,762 Last week, I pushed over a port-a-potty 1360 00:51:00,864 --> 00:51:02,430 in a motel room parking lot. 1361 00:51:02,943 --> 00:51:04,031 Sober. 1362 00:51:04,133 --> 00:51:05,366 [LAUGHTER] 1363 00:51:05,468 --> 00:51:07,034 [NICK] Wasn't a drunken mistake. 1364 00:51:07,136 --> 00:51:09,501 [NICK] I saw it. I knew the contents of the box. 1365 00:51:09,650 --> 00:51:10,937 I pushed it the fuck over. 1366 00:51:11,039 --> 00:51:12,305 [LAUGHTER] 1367 00:51:12,408 --> 00:51:13,807 I regularly steal money 1368 00:51:13,839 --> 00:51:15,857 from the donation box of this church. 1369 00:51:16,311 --> 00:51:17,677 I don't even attend. 1370 00:51:17,780 --> 00:51:18,745 [LAUGHTER] 1371 00:51:18,770 --> 00:51:20,002 [NICK] I just come here and steal the money. 1372 00:51:20,027 --> 00:51:21,180 I can't hear him. 1373 00:51:21,205 --> 00:51:22,493 - I'm gonna go watch. - [NICK] And then I use 1374 00:51:22,518 --> 00:51:24,183 - that money to buy drugs. - Okay. 1375 00:51:24,286 --> 00:51:25,661 [NICK] Drugs that I do backstage, 1376 00:51:25,686 --> 00:51:27,252 and then I come out here and talk to you folks. 1377 00:51:27,277 --> 00:51:29,377 [LAUGHTER] 1378 00:51:29,479 --> 00:51:31,313 On the bright side, I have, uh, 1379 00:51:31,415 --> 00:51:33,448 managed to stay far away 1380 00:51:33,473 --> 00:51:35,455 from unnecessary labor on the Sabbath, so... 1381 00:51:36,754 --> 00:51:38,220 What's the tab, Father, for all that? 1382 00:51:38,245 --> 00:51:39,498 What's the tab? What do I owe you? 1383 00:51:39,523 --> 00:51:42,136 What's the damage to have this slate wiped clean? 1384 00:51:42,136 --> 00:51:44,896 [NICK] What do I owe you for this service? 1385 00:51:45,691 --> 00:51:47,341 Couple "Our Fathers"? Oh. 1386 00:51:48,085 --> 00:51:49,764 Couple "Hail Marys"? Okay. 1387 00:51:49,789 --> 00:51:50,888 Okay, okay. 1388 00:51:50,913 --> 00:51:52,119 And that's it? 1389 00:51:52,883 --> 00:51:54,850 Uh, and this is just a hypothetical, 1390 00:51:54,875 --> 00:51:57,609 but well, what if I murdered a person? 1391 00:51:57,609 --> 00:51:58,883 What would that be? 1392 00:52:00,077 --> 00:52:01,342 That's one more "Our Father." 1393 00:52:01,444 --> 00:52:02,744 Okay, fantastic. 1394 00:52:02,846 --> 00:52:04,312 [NICK] That's good to know. 1395 00:52:04,414 --> 00:52:05,914 [IMITATES CREAKING HINGES] 1396 00:52:09,252 --> 00:52:10,451 Thank you, Father. 1397 00:52:10,553 --> 00:52:12,286 Tchk. [IMITATES FLAME ROARING] 1398 00:52:12,388 --> 00:52:13,822 [LAUGHTER] 1399 00:52:13,847 --> 00:52:15,199 May as well. 1400 00:52:15,199 --> 00:52:17,491 That's not even the stuff I feel sorry about. 1401 00:52:17,788 --> 00:52:20,211 You know? That's just scratching the surface. 1402 00:52:21,296 --> 00:52:22,696 Here's the real kicker. 1403 00:52:22,798 --> 00:52:24,027 None of us 1404 00:52:24,898 --> 00:52:26,289 should be forgiven. 1405 00:52:27,202 --> 00:52:28,301 If we did it, 1406 00:52:28,403 --> 00:52:30,490 we should fucking live with it. 1407 00:52:31,198 --> 00:52:33,007 Besides, what's gonna keep you from doing that thing 1408 00:52:33,109 --> 00:52:34,641 if you know you're just gonna be forgiven anyways? 1409 00:52:34,666 --> 00:52:35,619 Right? 1410 00:52:35,644 --> 00:52:36,876 Hit and run. 1411 00:52:36,978 --> 00:52:38,778 [NICK] Yeah, I saw you pull in here. 1412 00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:40,579 There was a shoe and a clump of hair 1413 00:52:40,604 --> 00:52:41,725 in your grille. 1414 00:52:41,750 --> 00:52:42,870 Tell this guy. 1415 00:52:42,895 --> 00:52:44,100 You are forgiven. 1416 00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:47,353 [NICK] Yeah, push over an old lady. 1417 00:52:47,455 --> 00:52:49,255 Go ahead, knock her over, take her purse. 1418 00:52:49,357 --> 00:52:51,056 These two have sex with her. Doesn't matter. 1419 00:52:51,081 --> 00:52:53,367 You all squeeze in the box here. Tell him what you did. 1420 00:52:53,437 --> 00:52:55,500 You are absolved, my son. 1421 00:52:59,505 --> 00:53:00,872 Fuck a pal's girlfriend. 1422 00:53:01,068 --> 00:53:02,549 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 1423 00:53:03,203 --> 00:53:04,970 Yeah, that's right. 1424 00:53:05,072 --> 00:53:07,205 He doesn't know he's the pal, but yeah. 1425 00:53:07,307 --> 00:53:08,873 [LAUGHTER] 1426 00:53:09,073 --> 00:53:10,172 [NICK] You know who's big on forgiveness? 1427 00:53:10,197 --> 00:53:12,055 Hey. Do you want to go get 1428 00:53:12,055 --> 00:53:13,865 something to eat, just in the kitchen? 1429 00:53:15,659 --> 00:53:17,192 No, I want to see where he's going with this. 1430 00:53:17,217 --> 00:53:18,249 Okay. 1431 00:53:18,274 --> 00:53:19,574 Even when he was on the cross. 1432 00:53:20,143 --> 00:53:21,686 Even when he was on the cross, 1433 00:53:22,668 --> 00:53:23,900 Jesus said, "Forgive them", 1434 00:53:23,925 --> 00:53:25,432 for they know not what they do." 1435 00:53:27,770 --> 00:53:29,642 Yeah, you know, Jesus? 1436 00:53:30,239 --> 00:53:32,183 The only thing is, um... 1437 00:53:32,573 --> 00:53:35,436 They definitely know what they do, Jesus. 1438 00:53:35,436 --> 00:53:38,913 They definitely know. There's no way to not know. 1439 00:53:38,938 --> 00:53:41,563 [NICK] You know how long it takes to put a crucifixion together? 1440 00:53:42,184 --> 00:53:43,582 [NICK] That shit doesn't just happen. 1441 00:53:43,607 --> 00:53:45,273 It's not a fucking brunch. 1442 00:53:45,298 --> 00:53:47,231 You gotta know his height. You gotta know his weight. 1443 00:53:47,256 --> 00:53:48,723 You gotta call your lumber guy. 1444 00:53:48,748 --> 00:53:50,414 You gotta get a winch to get him up there. 1445 00:53:50,826 --> 00:53:53,026 Call the florist. Get a crown of thorns, 1446 00:53:53,051 --> 00:53:54,915 special order, in a 7 1/2. 1447 00:53:55,405 --> 00:53:57,219 - [BOTH] Get off. - Get off the stage. 1448 00:53:57,219 --> 00:53:59,804 If I was on the cross, there'd be no forgiveness. 1449 00:54:00,217 --> 00:54:02,356 I'd be up there, just pointing motherfuckers out. 1450 00:54:02,381 --> 00:54:03,710 Kill him. Kill him. 1451 00:54:03,796 --> 00:54:05,062 [NICK] Seriously, just kill him. 1452 00:54:05,164 --> 00:54:06,898 Kill her. Kill him. 1453 00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:08,232 Hey, Joseph, 1454 00:54:08,294 --> 00:54:09,878 don't tell me who I can and can't kill. 1455 00:54:09,903 --> 00:54:11,472 You're not my real dad, anyway. 1456 00:54:11,871 --> 00:54:13,370 And real Dad, you're kind of 1457 00:54:13,395 --> 00:54:14,724 on my shit list too. 1458 00:54:14,749 --> 00:54:16,372 [LAUGHTER] 1459 00:54:16,709 --> 00:54:18,176 [NICK] Look, I know I'm not Jesus. 1460 00:54:18,278 --> 00:54:19,523 Can't grow the beard. 1461 00:54:19,913 --> 00:54:22,471 And he played to much bigger crowds. 1462 00:54:22,715 --> 00:54:25,316 [LAUGHTER] 1463 00:54:25,418 --> 00:54:27,886 I would kill Jesus for Jesus' crowds. 1464 00:54:28,814 --> 00:54:30,279 But he'd have to forgive me. 1465 00:54:31,050 --> 00:54:32,801 [NICK] All works out in the end. 1466 00:54:33,752 --> 00:54:35,418 It all works out. 1467 00:54:35,521 --> 00:54:38,522 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 1468 00:54:43,161 --> 00:54:44,794 I got to hand it to you, Nicholas. 1469 00:54:44,897 --> 00:54:47,564 Nobody can confuse and alienate an audience quite like you. 1470 00:54:47,666 --> 00:54:48,811 William. 1471 00:54:51,891 --> 00:54:53,957 You know I'm a devout Catholic, right? 1472 00:54:53,982 --> 00:54:55,347 - [ARNIE] Hey, Cass. - [CASS] Yeah? 1473 00:54:55,372 --> 00:54:56,739 That Lorne Michael guy's here, 1474 00:54:56,841 --> 00:54:58,240 so Goldie wants you to go up next, all right? 1475 00:54:58,265 --> 00:54:59,396 Got it. 1476 00:54:59,421 --> 00:55:00,976 Oh, that's right, your audition. 1477 00:55:01,078 --> 00:55:02,545 - Good luck. - Thanks. 1478 00:55:12,041 --> 00:55:13,875 Where were you when I called this morning? 1479 00:55:14,968 --> 00:55:16,196 I told you. 1480 00:55:16,612 --> 00:55:17,645 I was... 1481 00:55:17,747 --> 00:55:18,980 I'm talking to Nick. 1482 00:55:25,654 --> 00:55:27,848 [LAUGHS] 1483 00:55:28,391 --> 00:55:29,491 What's going on? 1484 00:55:30,525 --> 00:55:33,426 [SOMBER MUSIC] 1485 00:55:33,451 --> 00:55:34,383 ? 1486 00:55:34,408 --> 00:55:35,441 Uh... 1487 00:55:35,697 --> 00:55:37,130 ? 1488 00:55:37,232 --> 00:55:38,276 So... 1489 00:55:39,160 --> 00:55:40,892 how long have you two been fucking? 1490 00:55:41,216 --> 00:55:42,727 - Eddie, I... - Shut up. 1491 00:55:42,829 --> 00:55:45,129 ? 1492 00:55:45,447 --> 00:55:46,722 I'm asking Nick. 1493 00:55:46,866 --> 00:55:51,869 ? 1494 00:55:52,185 --> 00:55:53,805 Our Father, who art in heaven, 1495 00:55:53,907 --> 00:55:55,372 hallowed be thy name. 1496 00:55:55,474 --> 00:55:57,641 ? 1497 00:55:57,897 --> 00:55:59,296 Thy kingdom come. 1498 00:55:59,321 --> 00:56:00,888 ? 1499 00:56:00,913 --> 00:56:01,999 Thy will be done. 1500 00:56:02,024 --> 00:56:02,990 [ALL EXCLAIM] 1501 00:56:03,015 --> 00:56:04,380 Whoa, Eddie. Come on, man. 1502 00:56:04,482 --> 00:56:09,519 ? 1503 00:56:11,679 --> 00:56:13,203 Commitment to the bit. 1504 00:56:13,968 --> 00:56:15,134 Right, Cass? 1505 00:56:15,159 --> 00:56:18,761 ? 1506 00:56:18,863 --> 00:56:20,051 [ARNIE] Cass? 1507 00:56:20,798 --> 00:56:21,831 Cass. 1508 00:56:21,933 --> 00:56:23,165 You're up. 1509 00:56:24,655 --> 00:56:26,256 [ARNIE] Cass, empty stage. You're on. 1510 00:56:26,281 --> 00:56:27,780 ? 1511 00:56:28,296 --> 00:56:30,505 [ARNIE] I don't think you want to fuck this one up. Come on. 1512 00:56:30,608 --> 00:56:35,610 ? 1513 00:56:37,748 --> 00:56:39,754 [ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC] 1514 00:56:39,778 --> 00:56:42,413 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 1515 00:56:42,438 --> 00:56:47,474 ? 1516 00:56:48,524 --> 00:56:51,658 ? Well, you know what I'm doing ? 1517 00:56:51,761 --> 00:56:55,095 ? You'll never know what I feel ? 1518 00:56:55,145 --> 00:56:59,695 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 100030