Original subtitles

[Bill] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

A well-fitted shoulder lies flat!

- That motherfucker. - That's your joke.

I want you to write more stuff for me.

This club is the only runway to Carson.

One thing's a little clearer... I'm not funny anymore.

Whatever, nigga.

You don't ever get to call me that.

- [Goldie] What are you? - Excuse me?

I have no idea what the fuck you are.

You're gonna be on TV. That's huge, man.

You could be headlining at King Theodore's.

[Ron] You were in the trades?

"Girls Are Funny Too" was announced.

[Goldie] Cut the stand-up?

Stand-up is what this show is about.

You're fired, Goldie.

- sync and correction by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -

? Edwin Starr's "War" ?

? War, huh ?

? Yeah ?

? What is it good for? ?

? Absolutely nothing ?

? Uh-huh, uh-huh ?

? War, huh ?

? Yeah ?

? What is it good for? ?

Edgar, ten bucks. You're gonna jump ship for ten bucks?

Gabe is going up six nights a week.

That's 60 bucks, cash.

- [Sully] That's Gabe. - [Bill] Gabe's a hack.

[Edgar] Yeah, plus, Mitch is showing up now.

Something else about Teddy's...

that motherfucker Barton Royce is over there.

Man is no good.

[Edgar] If enough of us go up, what's she gonna do?

She's got to let us play both clubs eventually.

[Sully] And... and... and she has to pay.

[Nick] A few defections, and you think

suddenly Goldie's just gonna drop to her knees?

Comics from all over the country come here

to Los Angeles to go up at Goldie's.

- Every day. - I hate to burst your bubble,

but we're just funny widgets.

[Edgar] Fuck the money.

Mitch at King Theodore's is a game changer.

It's not a monopoly anymore.

Yeah, but nobody from Teddy's

has been picked to go up on Carson.

- [Sully] And it only takes one! - [sniffs]

[Bill] And you're not the one, Sully.

- [laughter] - [sniffs]

Truth be told, it's not like

anybody from Goldie's has been on Carson in a while neither.

??

[women imitating sheep bleating]

[Cassie gasps] Oh.

There you are.

How many times have I told you girls about curfew?

[Cassie] This is Hollywood.

[sighs] There are wolves everywhere.

Oh, God.

- [Marty] What the hell? - Don't let me stop you.

- Aw, come on. - Marty, Marty.

- [man] Cut. - This is not the time or place.

Marty, let me, will you, please?

[Marty] No, we shoot in less than a week.

Really? You want to burn the television bridge?

This is suicide, and you know it.

Beats a lynching. Get out of my way, Eli.

My God, this is worse than I thought.

How ridiculous do you feel, huh?

Honestly, have... have they even told you?

I have been fired. Hmm?

They said you were consulting.

Oh, was that the word these cowards used?

No, fired. They got rid of me

so that they could manipulate you

without anybody here to protect you.

Goldie, that's exactly why we fired you,

so that we could manipulate these girls

into the opportunity of a lifetime.

I was tossing and turning all night long.

I woke up this morning, and I realized

my best female comics that...

Do they even let you do any stand-up, Elayne?

One line of stand-up? Nothing? Anywhere?

[chuckles]

How does this prove we are as funny as men?

All this proves is we are the fucking sheep

they think we are.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime

he's talking about.

Come on, girls, we'll come back to Goldie's.

We'll do some real fucking humor.

Come on!

[Marty] Stay right there!

Goldie, we've got a contract. We will sue your ass!

So sue me. You got my lawyer standing right...

- [Eli] Oh, jeez. - [woman] Is she okay?

- Get the fuck away from me. - Fuck this. God...

- Goldie, are you okay? - [Goldie] God...

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Come on, girls. Come on, let's go.

[Goldie] God damn it.

[man] Take 15, everybody.

[Marty] Where's that tall one?

Where's the tall one? You. You should be up there.

[Goldie] Fucking morons. That's what you get for working

with people don't know what the fuck they're doing.

For Christ's sake.

[sighs] Jesus.

They have no idea what we're trying to do.

Isn't this what we're trying to do?

You, Carson, isn't it all so we can get to this?

If by "this," you mean this idiotic outfit

and doing so-called comedy you don't believe in.

Goldie, they're giving me more money

than I've ever seen in my entire life

while putting me in front of millions of people.

You brought me here, you changed my act,

and you told me that this was my ticket.

Now you got fired, and...

I'm supposed to follow you again?

Where?

Where are you going?

Well, there's one way to find out.

Hmm?

? somber music ?

[scoffs]

??

[man] That looks great.

So, a friend of mine from back east

recently graduated from, uh, barber college.

Barber college.

[laughter]

Now, isn't that just a little pretentious?

I mean, even doctors only go to med school,

but somehow a one-year course on how to cut hair

requires the word "college" after it, right?

- [laughs] - Like, the degree of difficulty

between a shag haircut and open heart surgery

is just that much more.

- I know, the only thing the two have in common

are high instances of malpractice.

Ha ha! Shim sham!

All right, everybody, this is Kenny in the AM,

and we're gonna be right back with comedian Gabe Schwartz.

Now, listen up. He's gonna be performing

all week long at King Theodore's,

so check him out.

But first, a little help with your morning commute

from The Pretenders... "A Broken Heart"...

Wah, wah! "Cries."

Funny bit, that barber thing.

[both] Oh, thank you.

? Songs about the changing of the world ?

What?

It's a secret?

I'm sitting here with a pad and a pencil.

? Baby, it's growing ?

? Just where it starts ?

Okay, Maestro.

Eva Gabor's getting divorced.

I need three jokes by traffic and weather.

? For me ?

? No songs for me now, baby ?

? Telling how ?

? A broken heart just cries ?

? Telling how my broken heart just cries ?

? serious music ?

??

Hey.

? The itsy-bitsy spider ?

? Climbed up the water spout ?

? Down came the rain ?

? And washed the spider out ?

? Out came the sun ?

? And dried up all the rain ?

And the itsy-bitsy spider...

Climbed up the spout again!

[sighs]

[laughter]

It's a little light.

Few more defections.

[scoffs]

Fuck.

Promote, uh, Abel...

Howe, or Lindsey up from the Cellar.

They're... they're... they're ready. [sniffs]

Abel and Lindsey are, uh... working Teddy's.

They still want to go up here, but we all know your policy

on working clubs in the same zip code.

I could bring up Adam. He's doing... all right.

I am not rushing him to fix a leak in the lineup.

Ungrateful bastards.

[chuckling] They're willing to blow off Johnny Carson

for ten bucks a set.

- Yeah. - Ten bucks.

[sighs]

Uh, I guess...

a lot of 'em don't see it that way.

Exactly how do they see it?

That you haven't had a guy on Carson since Clay.

And that maybe now there are other ways

to, you know, get there.

What do you mean, Mitch?

[laughs] Trust me, he's just window dressing over there.

Shut the door behind you.

[applause and wild laughter]

I've been working on my look, because in Hollywood,

we all know that's what's most important.

So I think we can all agree that my look is

synonymous with one thing.

Say it with me... bad boy.

- [laughter] - Yeah, this collection

is actually my, uh, "don't mess with me" sweater.

Full house, my man, just like I promised.

- I've had 'em before.

- Oh, by the way,

all the electricals are up to fire code...

passed with flying colors.

You fixed the wiring?

No.

Good work, Barton.

[both laughing]

[doorbell rings]

[Billie Holiday's "God Bless the Child" playing]

? Mama may have ?

Bar's open. Pour you one?

Thanks, I know my way around.

? But God bless the child that's got his own ?

??

? That's got his own... ?

Cheery.

She had 70 cents in her bank account

when she died.

Screwed at every turn.

Ah, the fuckers.

[sniffs]

- Goldie. - Eh?

Word's out about you and "Girls Are Funny Too."

Yeah? And what's that word?

Well, that's why I'm here.

You tell me what to say,

and that's what you'll read in tomorrow's Reporter.

CBS is saying "creative differences."

[sighs, chuckles]

There's nothing about creativity.

It's all about commerce and compromise.

They should all be taken out and shot like gutter rats.

Okay.

Now...

why don't you tell me...

what you want me to print?

[sighs]

? dramatic music ?

??

They ruined it.

They took an original idea

and covered it in bright lights

and sucked all the originality out of it.

Karen Cozwell... she's funnier than shit.

She didn't make the cut

because she wasn't pretty enough.

It's... [scoffs]

They chose style over substance,

looks over funny,

and crushed it

from a fucking belly laugh

into a sideways grin.

If the people in charge of television

were in charge of medicine,

we'd all be dead from fucking syphilis.

Now that we've got that out of our system...

Friend to friend,

what do you want me to print?

Friend to friend?

Every fucking word.

"Hired only as a pretty face"?

That's all Goldie thinks I am?

And... we're back.

Today I have a special guest.

You've seen him at Goldie's on the Strip.

He's a very, very funny man, Mr. Bill Hobbs!

Oh, it's great to be here, Kenny,

at the ungodly hour of seven in the morning.

[laughs] I've been here since 4:30,

so shut up!

Now, Bill, last time I saw you

I was in a fetal position while you kicked me.

Yeah, and I was punching you

in that big, doughy face of yours.

Ha ha ha! Been kicking and punching

anybody interesting lately, huh?

Anybody we've heard of?

No, not lately.

All my exercise has come from being a pallbearer, Kenny.

Sadly, my father passed away recently... heart attack.

I'm... I'm sorry to hear that, Bill.

Ah, thanks, I appreciate that,

but I got to tell you, being a pallbearer is a great workout.

You know, people thought that I was crying,

but I was actually sweating profusely.

And just so people know the difference,

you don't usually grunt when you cry.

I didn't really get cremation, Kenny, until I had to haul

my father's body up a hill to his plot.

I did lose my dad, but, uh, I also lost five pounds.

Ho ho. I'm sorry to hear that.

But you know what? Great note for me.

My dad's a solid 365.

I'm gonna keep that in mind.

Listen, we're gonna be back with the master of dark,

comedian Bill Hobbs, right after sports and weather.

Hey, Billy, what do you say

we take a few calls when we come back?

I say let's do it, preferably obscene.

- Obscene it is, on Kenny in the AM.

All right, I got to take a leak.

Hey, grab us a couple coffees.

Me? Coffees?

You're a waiter. Is it that big of a stretch?

Milk, two sugars.

[Kenny] Fuck.

[door closes]

[groans]

[note pad thuds]

[clears throat] Coffee?

I'm good.

Cool.

Bill?

Sorry about your dad.

Thanks, man.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[indistinct chatter]

[Nick clears throat] Thanks for coming.

Mm. Never too proud for sloppy seconds.

[inhales sharply] So, seriously...

you and super agent Brenner?

Let's just say it was a... mutual parting of the ways.

[chuckles] "Mutual"?

- Yeah. - Mm.

[laughs]

Nick, this town's only big in square miles.

In reputations, it's slightly fucking smaller

than a postage stamp, man.

Why the fuck ask?

- You know why I'm here Nick? - [clears throat]

Huh? Fear and desperation.

Yeah. Comic's cocktail of choice, man, seriously.

Every day you know that you grow less special,

and I fucking love that.

I love that, because I can sell that guy, huh?

'Cause that guy? That guy'll fucking listen.

That guy'll do whatever the fuck it takes

to stay in the game, man.

So let's face it...

where else he got to go?

Right?

[crunching ice]

It's why we're here.

Good. Well, let me see what I can dig up.

Oh, in the meantime,

lose the badass bullshit, okay?

[inhales sharply] Seriously...

it's a fucking buyer's market out there, Nick.

I'll call you.

[Goldie] Next Monday?

I tell you I need 30 pounds of frozen drumsticks

by the weekend, and you are telling me next fucking Monday?

Oh, fuck.

[Goldie] Yeah, yeah, yeah, bullshit!

Are you listening, Peter?

Does anybody in this fucking town listen?

Peter, I am all alone here, all right? Alone.

Everything falls on my fucking shoulders.

So, if you want to help, here's what I need...

reciprocity,

a fucking sliver of the loyalty

that I have shown you over the fucking years!

Not in word, in deed.

You get me those goddamn drumsticks!

[receiver slams]

[laughter]

Hey, listen, it's nothing wrong

with still being a virgin after 20, all right?

[laughter]

But I do love living in L.A., though.

I do. Don't get me wrong, okay?

It's beautiful. The weather's perfect,

the women are... mmm, yes.

[crowd cheering]

And... and all the tourists are thoroughly convinced

that I'm that one black guy from that thing.

I'm... I'm serious. In here, I'm just Adam Proteau.

But out on Hollywood Boulevard, oh, I'm Sidney Poitier.

[laughter]

[Adam] I'm Ben Vereen,

Richard Roundtree,

Harry Belafonte.

The one I don't understand though is... is Lena Horne.

- I don't... - [laughter]

Wait. Do y'all see it?

[cheers and applause]

What if I...

[cheers and applause continue]

[Adam] He's like, "I see it! I see it!"

[laughter]

Now, my stepdad's name was Parnell.

Now, it ain't a man alive named Parnell that's not an asshole.

[laughter]

[Adam] Even the white ones are bad.

Get the fuck offstage.

That's right, Parnell used to be in a bad mood

about every fucking thing, even Christmas.

How the fuck are you mad at Christmas?

Oh, so what you're telling me is Baby Jesus got frankincense,

myrrh, and gold for His birthday when He was born?

Shit, all I got was a smack on my black ass when I was born.

[laughter and applause]

[Adam] Didn't even give me a birth certificate.

All I got was titty milk and a name tag.

[laughter]

And my name was spelled wrong.

Who the fuck is Darnell?

But it wasn't just Christmas.

It wasn't just Christmas and Santa Claus, all right?

It was also the Tooth Fairy.

Now, all of my friends would get coins from the Tooth Fairy

when they put a tooth under they pillow.

I put a tooth under my pillow, I ain't get shit.

Seriously, and I would try to complain...

complain to Parnell... "Hey, the Tooth Fairy

didn't leave me shit under my pillow."

His response was, "Look, the Tooth Fairy gave you

a roof over you head and three square meals."

[unamplified] If you don't want to lose another one,

you gonna get...

[cheers and applause]

And that's just how it goes.

Matter of fact, Parnell, ladies and gentlemen.

Adam Proteau!

This bitch right here...

- [cheers and applause] - Adam Proteau. Ha ha.

Fucking dickhead.

[cheers and applause]

Friends, Romans, lady right there...

you with them big-ass titties, lend me your ears!

Hey! Adam, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

I'm putting it to a vote.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, your time is up, get the fuck down from there.

- Is it, Ralph? - It's over.

[crowd booing]

So let's take it to a vote! This is America, right?

- [cheers and applause] - Yeah. Okay.

Now, should I continue?

[loud cheers and applause]

Or... or... or... this is a democracy...

should we give Ralph back his stage?

[crowd booing]

- [Arnie] Ralph, calm down. - Where the fuck have you been?

You see what's happening in here right now?

I ain't never seen nobody pull some fucking bullshit

like this motherfucker just pulled.

Ralph, shut the fuck up, okay? Shush!

- Make me shut the fuck up. - You mad?

- Why... why would I stop? - Come on.

They was loving me in there. Why would you stop that?

It don't give you the right to run the fucking light.

What do you mean run the light?

You know how many comics I done seen run the light?

- Those motherfuckers earned it. - Not five minutes.

- Not ten minutes. - They earned it.

- Not... they didn't earn shit! - They earned it!

I don't understand. Whatever, dog.

You sound like a fucking broken-ass record.

You need to listen to this broken-ass record!

Fuck your broken-ass record. How about...

Earn some shit, motherfucker. How about that?

How about you just tell us what's really pissing you off?

Oh, tell us, then.

Tell us what's pissing you off.

- Tell us, motherfucker. - You mad 'cause I'm passing

your old ass, and it's really pissing you off

'cause all that's over my head is blue skies.

Only thing you got over yours is this fucking ceiling.

- Motherfucker, I'll... - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

No! No! No!

You're fucking both pissing me off!

No fighting in the Cellar stairwell!

You're fucking banned for a week!

Fuck you, Arnie! You ain't Goldie!

I am tonight!

Look, I know you got to have your King Kong moment up there.

- My what? - What the fuck, Arnie?

Choose your motherfucking words more carefully, man.

Listen, I think we all know

that I mean when he climbed the balcony,

it was kind of like King Kong climbing

the Empire State building, okay? It's a good fucking analogy.

Shut up. Shut... Arnie, shut the fuck up.

Shut up, shut up!

Okay, Goldie gave me extra time in the Cellar.

Yeah, 30 minutes, not 40.

How about we go talk to her about it, then, huh?

She doesn't want to talk to you, man.

You may think you're the center of the universe,

but you're sorely mistaken.

You know what? Fuck both of y'all.

Take your punishment like a man, pussy.

I'm taking my punishment...

right the fuck out of this place.

"The doorbell rings. Angie goes to answer it.

When she does, Benny enters with a letter and hands it to her.

He's still nervous,

but nothing like he was on his first day."

"I thought you might be waiting for this,

so I wanted to hand-deliver it to you personally,

because I am all about taking care of the people on my route."

"Mm-hmm.

You've got to use the bathroom again, don't you, Benny?"

"What? No...

What gave it away?"

[laughter]

"Your hand-delivered letter,

it's a circular from Lamps, Lamps, Lamps."

[laughter]

"Yeah, but they're 20 percent off, and if I'm being honest,

a little more light in here wouldn't hurt."

[laughter]

"Benny, is this gonna be a regular thing?

You've been on this route a week,

and you've already used our bathroom four times."

"It's not my fault. It's Mrs. Wilmore.

She keeps giving me food to-go, and trust me,

when she says it's to-go, she ain't kidding."

[laughter]

"And as Benny hurries toward the bathroom,

he suddenly pauses."

"Can I borrow that Reader's Digest

I delivered yesterday?

There's a article in there I really want to finish."

[laughter]

[laughter]

[blues music playing]

[laughter and chatter]

??

Mm-hmm.

Look, Barton, I want my name on the marquee.

Forty-five minutes at 9:30,

75 bucks a set, and four nights a week,

guaranteed.

Well, well...

Your eyes are so wide open now,

you're gonna need sunglasses, baby.

[laughs]

Oh, you're just in time.

I need you to take this to the house.

Listen, before you hear it from somebody else,

I want you to know that I was acting

on behalf of what I thought was best for the club.

What the fuck did you do?

Adam...

he kind of... left last night.

What do you mean left?

He and Ralph had a big argument. He went over his time.

He climbed up on the balcony like King... Arthur,

so I suspended him for a week.

You what?

Look, you asked me to step up, to take charge.

I asked you to set the fucking list,

not start a coup.

Where'd he go?

When he left,

where did he go?

If marquees are any indicator...

Teddy's.

Get out.

Okay.

For good.

You are fired, Arnie.

? dramatic music ?

So should I take the money out?

Fired, Arnie, fired!

Like you don't work here anymore.

Done, gone, out!

??

[groans]

Just do your fucking job.

Got it.

[door opens, closes]

??

? Chicago's "Make Me Smile" ?

? Children play... ?

- [Eddie] No? - [Maggie] No, I don't.

It makes me think of Arnie's stupid Chinese joke.

You guys aren't gonna believe what just happened.

Mm. You saw that Pointer Sister with the braces again?

Better. I was at dinner with my agent, Stacy,

and, um... they want me back.

- The show? - Yep.

For how long.

I-I don't know. Stacy said at least five or six episodes.

- What? Five or six episodes? - Wow.

- Yes. - That's...

that's almost the entire thing.

- I know! - [laughs] Amazing.

- [coughs] - I told you.

- You did. - Mm-hmm.

You were right.

- Pull my hair. - Mm-hmm.

- [Maggie and Ron] Mm-hmm. - That's great.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- I'll pull your hair. - Mm-hmm.

- You like that? - Yeah.

- When I pull your hair? - Mm-hmm.

??

I'm taking four...

Oh, no, take two. Why not?

Congratulations.

??

[strumming guitar]

??

Hello?

[Teddy laughs] Oh!

I thought somebody turned the air-conditioning on.

[Teddy laughs, sighs]

Drink?

[scoffs]

I get it, Teddy.

You want to be on everybody's radar,

but now you are on my radar,

and that is not a fucking place you want to be.

I moved to L.A. because everyone told me,

"Hey, it's laid-back."

I didn't start this.

You did, with your fancy fucking partner.

But you turned it into a turf war, Goldie.

- Mm-mm-mm. - Oh, yes, you fucking did.

Yeah. And you're right.

Yeah, I'm stuck with that asshole on one side of me

and you, another fucking asshole, on the other side,

and here I am.

So, if you're not gonna be sociable

and have a drink with me,

you can get the fuck out of my club.

[chuckles] Your club.

Now, that's a funny fucking joke.

Goddamn right it's my club.

There's my name in neon.

You stay down here at the shit end of the Strip

and keep that pimp the fuck away from my kids.

- Or what? - Oh, not what. When.

You should be a little more careful

who you get into bed with, Ted.

? ominous music ?

??

[Miles] Hey, FYI...

[sniffs] I took a little peek.

It's number three all the way.

- [scoffs] - Seriously.

Honestly, I have been on hundreds of dates.

I have never asked a woman once,

"If you could be any kind of pie,

what kind of pie would you be?"

[sighs] Nick, I know this isn't what you had in mind.

- Yeah. - Huh?

We are rebuilding a bridge here,

not just between you and potential suitors,

but between you and me.

Dating Game is a decent gig, man.

A lot of young comics and actors want this.

Fucking Marcia Brady was on last week.

Yeah. It's all about exposure.

Seriously.

Huh?

- Yeah. - All right.

So number three, huh?

She'd be a nine if it wasn't for the slight acne scarring.

You're gonna kill it.

[Marty] You see how the whole thing is red?

I love that. I want... I want that red.

I love those costumes.

I want a lot of that in the posters.

Anyway, you get this light, and I want them shot from below.

I want to... I want to look up at them.

Excuse me, Marty.

Cass, look at you!

You look great, honey.

Oh, well, wait till you see me once I find my pants.

[both laughing]

Guys, would you excuse us for a second?

Thank you.

What's up, Cass? What can I do for you?

Oh, Marty. [chuckles]

They've added another sketch.

Yeah, the trucker sketch. I know, it's hilarious.

What about it?

Well, that's eight sketches now

at five minutes apiece, so that's 40 minutes.

Add in commercials and that leaves

about five minutes for stand-up.

That's one minute per girl, and we were told

we were each gonna get about five minutes.

Okay.

- Here's what we're gonna do. - Okay. [chuckles]

You're gonna smile pretty into the camera,

you're gonna read your lines,

and I'll take care of the math, okay?

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna let go of your hand

and go do my job.

I suggest you do the same.

- Okay? - Mm-hmm.

- [Marty] Hey, the call went up. - Piece of shit.

["The Dating Game Theme" playing]

[applause]

Bachelorette number three,

if you could be any kind of pie, what kind of pie would that be?

Um...

probably strawberry rhubarb.

[laughter]

Bachelorette number two,

if we were on a deserted island...

[laughter fades]

Sorry, you know, I'm gonna go back

to bachelorette number three.

Number three, why a strawberry rhubarb pie?

Well, because I'm a little bit sweet

and a little bit sour.

- [laughter] - Okay.

I don't know why that's funny, but...

Hold on.

No, you motherfucker.

Bachelorette number three, uh, another question for you.

- How do you feel about drugs? - [man] Cut!

- I'm sorry? - [crowd murmurs]

Drugs, you know, heroin, pot, LSD,

- that sort of thing? - [man] Stop recording.

We are going to Acapulco after all,

and, yes, while sunsets and walks on the beach are nice...

- [man] Just play the music. - Oh, after we ditch

that chaperone, I wouldn't mind kicking it up a notch.

You know what I mean?

Find a hotel by la hora, see if we...

[man] Let's go. We need security.

- [man] Grab him. Grab him. - I'm going. I'm going.

[man] All right, let's go.

[theme music playing]

- Three. - Seriously? Huh?

Good night, John-Boy. You fucking schmuck!

Sometimes I'm a little bit sweet.

Sometimes I'm a little sour.

You don't think you're overblowing this a bit?

It's gonna take more than that to take you down.

You're an institution.

Yeah. Used to be you couldn't get a reservation

at the Brown Derby, too.

Yeah.

You ever miss the old days, Mitch?

Yeah.

What was I, like, 24 when I first met you?

[chuckles]

Hostess at Toots Shor's place.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was good times, huh?

Seems like when you reach my age,

there's a lot more to look backwards on than forwards.

How can I help?

I need to stop this King Theodore revolt.

I need you to put one of my kids

on The Tonight Show.

Bill Hobbs, this Friday.

[scoffs]

? dramatic music ?

??

[sighs]

??

I have always been a big fan of the impossible.

??

I still need two more whiskies on the rocks.

[Sully] Oh, man.

- Man, he is fucked up. - Oh, oh. [whistles]

- [laughs] - Oh.

Down goes Frazier!

Oh, you got to love a guy who knows when to quit.

- You gonna help? - Well, my dad just died.

You know what... White men keep dropping dead around you.

[Sully sighs] We should just put a bed there.

[Ralph] He'd just pee on it. Look at him.

- [Sully] Here we go. - [Ralph] All right. Fitz.

- [Sully] Come on, Fitzy. - [Ralph] Get up. Damn.

Come on, man, drink up, to us.

I mean, what the fuck? Like, good things are happening.

I got this TV gig, and, you know, you're writing

for that big-time morning-radio DJ

that you kicked the shit out of and is kind of a prick.

You know, I eat shit for five bucks a joke

so Kenny Vesey can take all the bows.

No applause, no recognition,

no creative satisfaction.

It really fucking sucks.

[sighs] All right, I'll see you at the apartment.

Come on, Eddie.

Everyone, you all know Kim, I take it.

Now, Kim's gonna be leaving us,

because Kim thinks that rules are arbitrary.

Whims, laminated and posted,

to be adhered to when her mood hits her.

Good-bye, dear.

All right.

Now, here are the rules, loud and clear.

Anyone punching in anyone else's time card

is fired.

And if you don't like it, you can leave.

Every drink poured, measured, and delivered

must be accounted for.

And if you don't like it, you can leave.

Every nickel that touches your palm

better be in mine when you punch out.

And if you don't like it, you can leave.

Any questions?

Good. Finish up and go home.

What the fuck was that about?

Law and order, plain and simple, baby.

No, you can't fire Kim. No, that's not cool.

She's been with me since the beginning. No.

Teddy, Kim is gone,

and if you don't like it...

Thanks for "KROQ" -ing, Lisa from La Ca�ada.

Okay, who do we got next, caller?

[Ron] Uh, Roni.

Hey, how are you, buddy. Where you "KROQ" -ing from?

[Ron] Uh, Belmont.

Belmont? I bought a dog in Belmont. What's going on?

[Ron] Uh, yeah, hi, I just wanted to say that

that last joke you just did about G. Gordon Liddy...

hilarious, just great, great stuff.

Ha ha! Well, thank you. I do my best.

Yeah, you know the quality of comedy that you put out

on a daily basis I-is really mind-blowing.

I mean, do you have writers, or do you do it all yourself?

Well, Roni Baloney, it's called Kenny in the AM,

not Kenny and Company in the AM.

[Ron] Right, that's funny, though,

because, you know, I happen to know for a fact

that all your material is written by Eddie Zeidel,

who's a regular at Goldie's on Mondays

and Donimirski's Polish Deli in the Valley

on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so, you know,

if anybody wants to see the fist inside the puppet,

you should really go see Eddie Zeidel...

Okay, sorry about that, everybody, we get some...

[blows duck call]

At this time in the morning.

Now, we're gonna be right back with Kenny in the AM

right after this.

That's funny.

Is that a fucking friend of yours?

Uh, more like a brother.

Yeah? Really?

Well, you...

are fucking fired.

Now, you get your little fucking Hebe ass out of here

before I fucking toss it out myself!

Really?

Really.

[heavy rock music playing]

[Kenny moaning in pain]

[woman] Think we should go in there?

You wanted to see me?

[Goldie] Yeah.

You need to be over in Burbank in an hour.

[scoffs] Why Burbank?

You got The Tonight Show...

tomorrow night.

They want you to come by, run through the material.

Wha...

Franklyn Ajaye got a cold, Mitch called,

they needed a replacement, so I told them you were ready.

Jesus Christ.

? sentimental music ?

Congratulations, Bill.

[chuckles]

??

I'm not big on the word "deserve."

I figure you get what you get in this life, but...

after the year you've had...

I think you do deserve it...

??

Because you're loyal.

You always have been.

??

I will never forget this, Goldie.

I swear.

??

You mean that?

More than anything.

??

Close the door, would you, Billy?

Yeah.

??

[man] Three! two!

[TV theme music playing]

[applause]

??

Thanks, y'all!

Can't wait to take off these fucking shoes.

I think I'm allergic to this wig.

[Sally] Congratulations! Great show!

Thank you.

I got to say, that was really exciting.

Well, you were incredible.

Really? I couldn't tell.

The whole thing feels sort of like a blur.

[laughs] Welcome to television.

So what's next?

Pardon?

You know, now that this is over,

what are you gonna do next?

I'm sure you'll have hundreds of options.

[Ralph] Are you sure we should be celebrating this early?

You still have 15 hours to fuck this up.

[laughter]

- Hey... - Hey, listen, unless I get

bumped 'cause Carol Channing's fucking limp

eats up all my time, I will be sitting

on Johnny's couch tomorrow tonight

laughing with the man.

- [laughter] - Ha ha, man, you're not getting

the fucking couch.

The only way you will get the couch

is if The Tonight Show has a yard sale.

Please.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Walter.

What's up, man?

I want to go up.

Come on, Al's the last comic,

and it's lights out.

Look, man, I don't care if it's just me and the cockroaches.

I need to go up.

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

All right, man.

[Al] Nicer car... I just don't understand it.

Why would she leave me?

[Edgar] At least you get to wear that fucking suit.

Oh, shit, look who it is!

[Bill] Huh? Oh.

[Ralph] That's what a TV star look like.

- Hey! - Come over here, girl.

[Edgar] Grandpa-size set of balls, I will tell you that.

[Sully] Wow.

[Ralph] What's why we love her.

- [Ralph laughs] - [Edgar] Jesus Christ.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

I tried to call you, but...

Yeah, I was over at "Girls are Fucking Idiots Too."

Oh, it's a documentary now?

- Oh, yeah, you heard? - [laughter]

Let's celebrate her. Some real TV cred.

[scattered applause]

All right, all right, I know it's 2 a.m.

and it's late, but we've got

one more comic coming to the stage.

So make some noise for Nick Beverly.

[scattered applause]

Good morning.

- [Ralph] No. - [Cassie] What is he doing?

- [Ralph] Fucking Nick. - [Edgar] Look out.

- [Ralph] Showing up at 2 a.m. - [Nick] All right.

Got the cream of the crop, huh? 2 a.m.

This is "Confessions of a Junkie."

Oh, shit.

That's right. I'm a junkie.

Been clean about a month now.

"Clean's" kind of a relative term,

'cause now I'm doing methadone.

Going from heroin to methadone

is like going from fucking Raquel Welch

to fucking a jar of peanut butter

with her face drawn on it.

[laughter]

When you're a junkie, man, your priorities,

they just get all out of whack.

You know, they're fucked.

You'd do anything for that fix.

I remember one Mother's Day.

My gift to my mom

was just to steal something small from her.

- [scattered laughter] - You know, five dollars

or less, 'cause she's my mom.

It's her special day.

[vacuum cleaner running]

[Bill] Hey.

- Um... [clears throat] - [Bill] Shut it off.

[Edgar] What the fuck? Come on.

My, uh... [clears throat]

My ex and I came...

[vacuum cleaner stops running]

[scattered applause]

[sighs]

[Bill] Go ahead, Nick.

[Ralph] Yeah, come on, Nick, you got it, baby.

- Whoo! - [Cassie] Come on, Nick.

Okay.

Sex on heroin... let's talk about it.

[Bill laughs]

Sex on heroin's weird.

? upbeat music ?

It's like you're asleep,

and every five minutes, you're getting woken up

because someone's fucking you.

[laughter]

??

[Sully] Be cool, be cool.

[Bill] I'm gonna be cool. Shut up.

- [man] Good afternoon. - Hi, I'm Bill Hobbs.

I'm here to do The Tonight Show.

- [Sully] Wow. - [man] Thanks.

[groans] Look at this, man. Fuck, it's the big-time.

Yeah.

You scared?

Shitless.

But it's a dry shitless.

Mm.

- Good? - [man] Here you go.

- Thanks. - [man] Have a good one.

Ahh. Suck it in, Sull. You'll never be here.

- Thank you so much. - [laughs]

Listen up! Show of hands...

how many people want to see Bill fail tonight?

[people murmuring]

Now, how many people really want to see him eat shit?

[people cheering loudly]

Okay, tone it down. It's The Tonight Show.

We need to celebrate one of our own,

even if it's Bill.

[Maggie] Guys, we have work to do in here.

Yes, you have to take your little party to the Cellar.

All right, you heard the pretty lady, to the Cellar.

All right. Tonight's on Ron!

[Ron grumbles comically]

[Edgar] All right, thank you very much.

Ralph, you coming?

I'm gonna catch up with y'all later.

[rock music playing, indistinct chatter]

??

I ain't here to give you shit.

Oh, social call, then?

Ah, something like that.

Look, I'm gonna talk, you gonna listen,

and then I'm gonna leave.

Cool?

When I was your age, I joined the military.

Was gonna be a career man.

Then the war broke out, and they shipped my ass off to 'Nam.

Did two tours, saw all kinds of shit,

but the one thing that I saw over and over again

were kids put into situations they had no idea how to handle.

What, you saying this 'cause you feel like I ain't ready?

We still in the "you listening" part, you dig?

??

There are people... and they were just kids back then...

in places right now 'cause of me.

Homes, jobs, families.

I'm proud of that.

I took care of them. I saw them through.

??

Then there are kids in places because of me...

I'm not so proud of.

What, like, graves and shit?

Yeah, graves and shit...

and here.

??

Can I tell you something I ain't never told nobody else?

Of course.

Man, I'm only 17 years old.

You're shitting me.

No, I'm serious.

I took my... my stepdad's Eldorado after my mom passed,

and I drove to L.A.

Slept in it, met Carl, sold it.

Damn.

??

Look, man, I didn't mean that ceiling shit

that I said the other night.

- That was just me being mad. - [scoffs]

I know.

[scoffs]

It's too bad that shit is true.

You got a God-given gift.

You gonna be big, Adam, real big.

I mean, most of us...

[scoffs] These motherfuckers,

we gonna be climbing and climbing...

till we just hanging by our fingertips.

We gonna need somebody to stomp on 'em before we see the light.

- [laughs] - You know what I'm saying?

- [laughs] - Yeah.

Well, well, well...

You thinking about coming over, too, Ralph?

Look...

you take care of yourself, you hear me?

Yeah.

Think about it.

It would be an honor

to have a prominent nigger like yourself grace up our stage.

You said that word like you were white.

Maybe because when I'm talking to you,

I mean it like I'm white.

[Ralph chuckles]

??

[band playing "The Tonight Show Theme"]

??

[indistinct chatter]

[woman] Oh, my God. Honey, I need you faster than that.

[music ends]

[Johnny] We're back.

Because you've been such a great audience,

we have a treat for you.

He's a new comic, first time on The Tonight Show.

Currently performing at Goldie's

on Sunset Strip.

Please give him a nice welcome. Bill Hobbs.

[cheers and applause]

[band playing "The Tonight Show Theme"]

Got a minute?

Sit.

We wrapped last night.

- Congratulations. - [lighter clinks]

What are you?

Come again?

You asked me that.

I was sitting right here. It was right after Clay died.

And, uh, I didn't know the answer then.

But...

I do now.

I'm all ears.

I am whatever it takes.

[scoffs] Is that supposed to wow me?

Goldie, you... [groans]

got your pound of flesh in the trades.

What more do you need?

You come in here all swagger and cigarette smoke

when one good breeze would knock you on your ass.

Oh, because you're the only tough one?

[sighs]

What do you want, Cass?

Hmm?

I want to go back up here...

on your stage.

Like nothing happened?

No.

Like a lot happened.

[lighter clinks, clicks]

[lighter clinks, thuds on desk]

[exhales deeply]

Okay.

I'll see what time I can open up for you in the Cellar.

[chuckles]

[sighs] The Cellar.

[scoffs]

There a problem?

? serious piano music ?

??

Good.

Stick around. Bill's gonna be on soon.

They're setting up the TV down there.

I hear it's turning into quite the party.

??

Thank you.

- [Sully] Come on, man, more. - [Bill] What?

[Sully] Come on, what was it like?

- [Sully] Come on. - [Bill] Honestly?

Yeah.

I don't know if anything in my life

will ever make me as happy as this.

Like, what are you thinking when you're standing up there?

[sighs] Truthfully?

Yeah.

How I wish my dad was there.

I know. You'd think,

after what he did,

how we were always at each other's throats...

but I swear to God, Sull...

it was the happiest moment of my life,

and more than anything, I wanted to share it

with the person who couldn't have cared less.

Why are you so sure he didn't care?

Because he could've been here.

He chose not to.

? gentle music ?

??

Hey, you mind if I drop you off at Goldie's?

I'm not sure I want to watch tonight with everyone.

??

Actually, um...

I don't think I want to go either.

??

Great.

??

- [Ron] Al! - [Arnie] Al, put it up.

- [man] Crank it up, man. - Up, up, up, up, up.

- [man] Lower it a little bit. - Guys, we're in a cellar.

Is he gonna get the couch, folks?

Is he going to get the couch? I say no.

Put your hand on the metal pipe.

- Touch the metal pipe. - [Edgar] Two dollars.

[woman] Hold your breath, Al.

Yeah.

The commercial is almost over. Hurry up.

[indistinct chatter]

You're up in five minutes.

Bill's up next.

Edgar's got all my money in his hands right now.

We're still open.

[scoffs]

[indistinct chatter continues

- [man] Here we go. - [Edgar] Here we go.

Everybody shut the fuck up.

[band playing "The Tonight Show Theme" on TV]

Shh. I think this is gonna be Bill.

- [man] Here we go. - Last-minute bets.

- Shh! Quiet! - [Johnny] We're back.

We have a treat for you.

He's a new comic, currently performing at Goldie's

- on the Sunset Strip. - Goldie!

- [woman] Goldie. - Yeah!

[Johnny] Please give him a nice welcome. Bill Hobbs.

[band playing "The Tonight Show Theme" on TV]

[cheers and applause]

??

[woman] He looks good.

He looks like a Polish band leader.

I'm not married.

I'm 28. I am looking, though.

It's just really hard to find someone

to share your love, your hopes, your dreams.

Jesus. Camera really does add ten pounds, right?

Apparently 20 this time, that fat fuck.

[laughter]

Animals have it right, you know?

Two dogs meet, sniff here, sniff there,

they have sex,

then it's immediately back to chasing squirrels.

No one's mad that no one called.

- There's never any guilting. - [laughter]

You're never gonna hear, "Spike, it's Fluffy."

What's that like?

- "Fluffy, the white terrier." - [laughter]

You know who Sisyphus is?

Yeah, the guy who had to keep pushing a boulder up a hill

only to keep having it roll back down on him.

Like that.

Yeah, but isn't that pretty much everything in life?

For everyone?

Just instead of a boulder, it's the sun coming up

and getting out of bed?

[chuckles]

Fuck, you might as well push it up for Carson

as anything.

Eddie...

and I mean this with love, fuck Carson.

[Bill] Do you think I was born yesterday? I'm two.

- [laughter] - [band playing jazz on TV]

[cheers and applause]

??

[applause]

??

He got the fucking couch. He got the fucking couch!

[all cheering]

[applause]

? sentimental music ?

??

I'm a salesman.

??

[chuckles]

??

[Badfinger's "No Matter What" playing over stereo at Goldie's]

??

? No matter what you are ?

??

? I will always be with you ?

- That lady was nice. - [laughs]

- She wanted me. - Oh, look what I got.

Better get some beer before the keg dries out.

Oh, she's the finest...

Oh, stop it. Oh, hi there. Okay.

Ron. Ron, help me here.

[music continues downstairs]

? I will always be around ?

??

? Won't you tell me what you found, girl? ?

? Ooh, girl, won't you? ?

[vacuum cleaner running]

? Knock down the old gray wall ?

[indistinct chatter]

? Be a part of it all ?

? Nothing to say ?

? Nothing to see ?

? Nothing to do ?

? droning music ?

??

? As I would give it to you ?

? Nothing would be... ?

[lighter clinks, clicks]

? Nothing would be ?

? No matter where you go ?

You did good tonight, Billy.

? There will always be a place ?

[chuckles]

? Can't you see it in my face, girl? ?

? Ooh, girl, won't you? ?

??

[Ralph] Speak of the Devil, and a redhead appears.

[all cheering]

[woman] Hey! Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill!

[items breaking, men grunting]

- [Arnie coughs] - What the fuck?

Get the fuck off of him!

- Fucker! - [both groan]

You all right, Arnie?

- You all right? - [coughing]

What the fuck are you doing here?

[scoffs]

I came upstairs to get more booze,

and I saw him sneak into your office.

You want me to call the cops?

No, no fucking cops.

Go get a drink. I'll be all right.

[Teddy] Oh. [coughs]

Fuck.

Go on. It's all right. I'll be all right.

- [Teddy sobbing] - [door creaks closed]

[lock clicks]

[sniffling]

It's just... [breathing heavily] Oh, my God.

[rock music plays downstairs]

??

[burps]

[sighs]

??

It's done, Ted.

Come on.

??

You called me, remember?

??

It's better in the long run, huh?

??

Hmm?

??

Long live the king.

??

[Teddy slurps drink]

??

? Looking for a girl like you ?

Here we go. Get 'em while they're cold.

[man] Hey!

All right, who wants one? Who wants...

Hey, don't you owe a bunch of people money?

- Shut up, man. - Who do you owe money to?

Oh, he bet you wouldn't get the couch.

You bet against me?

Are you surprised?

You got it the day before. What do you want me to do?

- [Bill groans] - [man] Not a bad bet.

- [man] Yeah. - Not a bad bet.

Yeah, I shouldn't be surprised. To Edgar losing again.

[all cheering]

Cheers.

All right, I got your money if you want it.

So how was the couch?

Warm. Couch was very, very warm, man.

Carol Channing, say what you will,

her ass is an octogenarian fire pit.

[laughter]

Wait, so, Bill, what did Carson say to you,

like, when he leaned in during the commercial?

He told me, "Lose the beard."

- Mm, smart. - Yeah.

You tell him Cassie already dumped you?

[all] Oh!

[man] Hey, get out of here! Come on!

Anyone in here like booze?

[all cheering]

??

All right, courtesy of Goldie.

Yeah, baby!

[man] Yeah, buddy!

[man] No, but short. Man up. Man up!

[all talking at once]

This thing on?

??

[Ralph] ? Yeah, he hit it almost every night ?

? When that moon is big and bright ?

? It's a supernatural delight ?

What the hell is that?

[Ralph] ? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

Whoo!

Bill!

Got the motherfucking couch, y'all!

[all cheering]

[King Harvest's "Dancing in the Moonlight" playing]

[singing along] ? Everybody here is out of sight ?

? They don't bark, and they don't bite ?

? They keep things loose, they keep things light ?

? Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ?

? Dancing in the moonlight ?

[all] ? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?

? It's such a fine and natural sight ?

? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

[Ralph singing along] ? We like our fun, and we never fight ?

? We don't dance and stay uptight ?

? It's a supernatural delight ?

? Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ?

[all] ? Dancing in the moonlight ?

? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?

? It's such a fine and natural sight ?

? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

[Ralph singing along] ? We have our fun, and we never fight ?

? We don't dance and stay uptight ?

? It's a supernatural delight ?

[all] ? Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ?

? Dancing in the moonlight ?

? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?

? It's such a fine and natural sight ?

? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

? Dancing in the moonlight ?

? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?

? It's such a fine and natural sight ?

? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

[Ralph] Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[indistinct chatter]

??

? Everybody here is out of sight ?

? They don't bark, and they don't bite ?

? They keep things loose ?

- [siren wailing] - ? They keep things light ?

? Everybody was dancing in the moonlight ?

? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?

? It's such a fine and natural sight ?

? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

- ? Everybody's ? - ? Dancing in the moonlight ?

? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?

? It's such a fine and natural sight ?

? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0