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Previously on
"I'm Dying Up Here"...
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00:00:06,556 --> 00:00:07,223
Tourists?
3
00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:09,308
Comics. From Boston.
4
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:11,060
What do you think of the place?
5
00:00:11,061 --> 00:00:13,312
We'll take it.
6
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:14,855
And listen, this is the
closet to my room out here.
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00:00:14,856 --> 00:00:15,648
So, if I'm in there with Maggie...
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00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,691
- Who's Maggie?
- She's my girl.
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00:00:17,692 --> 00:00:18,775
By the way, hands off.
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00:00:18,776 --> 00:00:22,321
Took my kids to the circus,
the Mexican circus.
11
00:00:23,906 --> 00:00:24,782
You know who Edmund Hillary is?
12
00:00:24,783 --> 00:00:27,159
He risked everything
to reach the summit,
13
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,911
and when he finally stood
on top of the world,
14
00:00:29,912 --> 00:00:31,621
do you know how long it was for?
15
00:00:31,622 --> 00:00:34,791
Fifteen minutes.
16
00:00:34,792 --> 00:00:36,251
Guys, I'm trying to hear Clay.
17
00:00:36,252 --> 00:00:38,253
- Come on over.
- He got the couch.
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00:00:38,254 --> 00:00:40,505
I'm jealous. Every Merv, Johnny,
19
00:00:40,506 --> 00:00:41,590
or Dinah fucking Shore appearance
20
00:00:41,591 --> 00:00:44,551
another comic makes is one
more that we didn't get.
21
00:00:44,552 --> 00:00:46,219
That's a motherfucking
22
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:46,971
2:30 in the morning pancake
speech right there.
23
00:00:46,972 --> 00:00:50,807
Fuck you, and fuck you.
24
00:00:50,808 --> 00:00:52,434
Without you even realizing it,
25
00:00:52,435 --> 00:00:55,645
life just bends you over and
tucks it straight up your ass.
26
00:00:55,646 --> 00:00:56,897
Johnny feels bad, but
I just think we need
27
00:00:56,898 --> 00:00:58,023
to book some more established
comics for a little while,
28
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:00,400
see how it all shakes out.
29
00:01:00,401 --> 00:01:02,652
I been doing open mic for
over a fucking year now.
30
00:01:02,653 --> 00:01:05,322
You want Carson? You got to
mingle for Christ's sake.
31
00:01:05,323 --> 00:01:06,823
I said I know who you are.
32
00:01:06,824 --> 00:01:07,866
Why don't you quit while
you're ahead, huh?
33
00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:09,910
Think I should
try to book a church?
34
00:01:09,911 --> 00:01:13,373
Fuck, no. We're in one.
35
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:21,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
36
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:25,550
Are you having
a good time, ma'am?
37
00:01:25,551 --> 00:01:26,052
Really? All right.
38
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:28,470
Tell your face.
39
00:01:32,934 --> 00:01:34,685
Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.
40
00:01:34,686 --> 00:01:36,770
That means what?
41
00:01:36,771 --> 00:01:38,647
Comedians are coming home...
42
00:01:38,648 --> 00:01:39,648
from Canada.
43
00:01:41,150 --> 00:01:42,484
I used to do a
lot of handyman work,
44
00:01:42,485 --> 00:01:44,111
growing up.
45
00:01:44,112 --> 00:01:46,780
Mostly because my dad
was in the business...
46
00:01:46,781 --> 00:01:48,490
of breaking shit.
47
00:01:54,664 --> 00:01:56,706
Well, what are
you doing in here?
48
00:01:56,707 --> 00:01:58,834
That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.
49
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:04,840
All right, thank you, folks.
50
00:02:04,841 --> 00:02:06,174
You've been a...
51
00:02:06,175 --> 00:02:08,176
slightly above average crowd.
52
00:02:27,155 --> 00:02:28,280
This room is toast.
53
00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:41,252
Yeah.
54
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,891
Ooh.
55
00:02:55,892 --> 00:02:58,351
My fellow Americans,
56
00:02:58,352 --> 00:03:03,690
let's make one thing perfectly clear.
57
00:03:03,691 --> 00:03:06,193
His sister was so ugly
58
00:03:06,194 --> 00:03:08,904
people went out on Halloween,
59
00:03:08,905 --> 00:03:09,946
dressed as her.
60
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:17,954
That was Nixon
insulting my sister.
61
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:20,665
Hey. You cutting it close.
62
00:03:20,666 --> 00:03:21,917
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Come on.
63
00:03:25,421 --> 00:03:27,130
Anybody here like magic?
64
00:03:27,131 --> 00:03:29,132
Oh... oh, my time's up.
65
00:03:31,469 --> 00:03:33,428
Thank you, Mr. President.
66
00:03:33,429 --> 00:03:34,305
Come on.
67
00:03:34,306 --> 00:03:36,139
All right, coming to the stage next,
68
00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:39,059
a regular here at the open mic,
69
00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:40,101
give it up for Mr. Adam Proteau.
70
00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,567
- Twinkle.
- Mm.
71
00:03:49,111 --> 00:03:50,111
Whoo!
72
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:57,702
Yes, that's right, I am
a professional amateur.
73
00:03:59,247 --> 00:04:01,831
I used to do a lot of
handyman work growing up,
74
00:04:01,832 --> 00:04:04,876
mostly because my dad
was in the business...
75
00:04:04,877 --> 00:04:06,586
of breaking shit.
76
00:04:08,130 --> 00:04:09,965
"What the hell's wrong
with this toaster?"
77
00:04:09,966 --> 00:04:11,633
Well, Dad, did you try to plug it in
78
00:04:11,634 --> 00:04:13,260
before you threw it against the wall?
79
00:04:13,261 --> 00:04:14,970
It's just a question. It's just a...
80
00:04:17,598 --> 00:04:19,975
Where the fuck did you
get another toaster?
81
00:04:21,686 --> 00:04:23,436
Like, my dad used to break everything,
82
00:04:23,437 --> 00:04:25,814
not just normal stuff, everything...
83
00:04:25,815 --> 00:04:27,274
appliances,
84
00:04:27,275 --> 00:04:28,817
TVs,
85
00:04:28,818 --> 00:04:29,943
laws.
86
00:04:31,946 --> 00:04:32,905
But it's okay, you know,
87
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,323
'cause now I know how to fix everything.
88
00:04:35,324 --> 00:04:37,534
How to fix a door that's been kicked in.
89
00:04:37,535 --> 00:04:39,703
I can plaster up a hole that's
been punched into a wall.
90
00:04:39,704 --> 00:04:40,621
Fix a pane of glass that my head
91
00:04:40,622 --> 00:04:42,998
may or may not have been pushed through.
92
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,543
One thing I can't fix
93
00:04:46,544 --> 00:04:48,003
is the relationship with my dad.
94
00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:52,382
Hey! How about a shine, my brotha?
95
00:04:54,677 --> 00:04:56,678
"How about a shine"?
96
00:04:56,679 --> 00:04:58,179
Okay, are we talking about
your shoes or your dick, sir?
97
00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:02,851
Your mama
took care of my dick.
98
00:05:02,852 --> 00:05:04,561
I gave her 50 cents.
99
00:05:04,562 --> 00:05:06,897
Well, seeing as how she only
charges 25 cents an inch,
100
00:05:06,898 --> 00:05:10,191
I wouldn't scream out that dumb
shit too proudly, you know?
101
00:05:10,192 --> 00:05:12,944
Now, if your mama sucked my dick
102
00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:15,363
for 25 cent an inch,
she'd have enough money
103
00:05:15,364 --> 00:05:16,364
to send your ass to Yale, Harvard,
104
00:05:16,365 --> 00:05:18,992
and Shut The Fuck Up School,
105
00:05:18,993 --> 00:05:21,119
which is on the corner
of I Need To Be Noticed
106
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,204
and My Date Thinks I'm An Asshole.
107
00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:27,125
Fucking dick.
108
00:05:29,045 --> 00:05:31,631
Hey, you can't let 'em get to you.
109
00:05:33,049 --> 00:05:34,424
This is seven-card stud.
110
00:05:34,425 --> 00:05:36,426
Low spade in the hole splits the pot.
111
00:05:41,807 --> 00:05:43,683
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
112
00:05:43,684 --> 00:05:45,894
Shit, and shit!
113
00:05:45,895 --> 00:05:49,105
Jesus, is this a game
of chance or no chance?
114
00:05:49,106 --> 00:05:50,231
Don't let the sun catch
you crying, baby.
115
00:05:50,232 --> 00:05:52,692
Mm-hmm.
116
00:05:52,693 --> 00:05:55,236
So I heard Johnny had
Rickles on the other night.
117
00:05:55,237 --> 00:05:56,571
That's fresh.
118
00:05:56,572 --> 00:05:58,448
Oh, Christ, don't get her riled.
119
00:05:58,449 --> 00:06:00,742
Get me riled? What? I love Don.
120
00:06:00,743 --> 00:06:02,327
Yeah, doesn't exactly
sound like all the calls
121
00:06:02,328 --> 00:06:04,120
I've been getting from you lately.
122
00:06:04,121 --> 00:06:05,455
You say don't get her started,
then you get her started.
123
00:06:05,456 --> 00:06:07,666
Come on, R-Rickles, Hackett,
124
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:10,251
Professor Irwin Corey, I love 'em.
125
00:06:10,252 --> 00:06:13,588
But you can't get any
more "dog bites man" than that.
126
00:06:13,589 --> 00:06:16,383
I told you. We're
bringing the kids back.
127
00:06:16,384 --> 00:06:17,842
Oh, papers cleared
Clay over a month ago.
128
00:06:17,843 --> 00:06:21,346
Be nice if you guys could keep
up with yesterday's news.
129
00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:24,516
We just need to leave the
window open a little longer.
130
00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:25,767
Send 'em our way.
131
00:06:25,768 --> 00:06:27,602
We love the kids at Midnight Special.
132
00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:29,396
I tried calling your producer...
Butterman.
133
00:06:29,397 --> 00:06:31,606
Yeah, said he can't be reached.
134
00:06:31,607 --> 00:06:33,066
He's fly-fishing, for two months.
135
00:06:35,069 --> 00:06:36,028
We're fly-fishing now?
136
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,947
I think it's a euphemism
for invading Syria.
137
00:06:38,948 --> 00:06:41,533
Thank you for making the
world right side up again.
138
00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:43,034
Whatever it's a euphemism for,
139
00:06:43,035 --> 00:06:45,161
I'm having lunch with
him tomorrow at noon.
140
00:06:45,162 --> 00:06:47,122
Expect a call around one.
141
00:06:47,123 --> 00:06:49,249
Well...
142
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:51,126
just for that, Bob,
I'm gonna tell you...
143
00:06:51,127 --> 00:06:53,712
Mitch here has a pair of aces.
144
00:06:55,131 --> 00:06:57,173
You're a real asshole, Goldie.
145
00:06:57,174 --> 00:06:59,801
What, it's my fault you got
the wingspan of a condor?
146
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:04,765
Hold your cards closer to
your vest next time, huh?
147
00:07:08,144 --> 00:07:10,186
What's up, my man?
148
00:07:13,149 --> 00:07:15,734
Mm.
149
00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:18,153
No, I wouldn't want your job,
150
00:07:18,154 --> 00:07:21,532
not for all the bananas in China.
151
00:07:22,491 --> 00:07:24,826
My girlfriend dragged me here.
152
00:07:24,827 --> 00:07:30,331
Some douchebag at her office
thinks he's Rich Little.
153
00:07:30,332 --> 00:07:31,416
Got to cut these guys some slack, man.
154
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:35,003
It's open mic, all newbies.
155
00:07:35,004 --> 00:07:36,171
No shit?
156
00:07:36,172 --> 00:07:38,673
Good thing I'm here.
157
00:07:38,674 --> 00:07:42,093
Liven this motherfucker up.
158
00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:43,553
It's hard.
159
00:07:43,554 --> 00:07:46,097
You know, comedy's all about timing,
160
00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:47,974
which takes a while to learn.
161
00:07:47,975 --> 00:07:50,018
Bullshit.
162
00:07:50,019 --> 00:07:51,352
You're either funny,
163
00:07:51,353 --> 00:07:53,146
or you're not.
164
00:07:53,147 --> 00:07:55,815
Now, Bill Cosby...
165
00:07:55,816 --> 00:07:56,983
he's a funny spook.
166
00:07:56,984 --> 00:07:58,860
Yeah.
167
00:07:58,861 --> 00:08:00,195
But that spook got funny
168
00:08:00,196 --> 00:08:03,156
by learning timing.
169
00:08:03,157 --> 00:08:05,700
Know your audience!
170
00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:07,535
Know when to wait for a laugh.
171
00:08:07,536 --> 00:08:12,791
Timing is motherfucking everything!
172
00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:15,543
Now, see?
173
00:08:15,544 --> 00:08:18,087
Half hour ago, this wouldn't
have been funny to me.
174
00:08:18,088 --> 00:08:20,381
But now it's motherfucking hysterical.
175
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:23,803
Hey, floor's wet.
176
00:08:28,182 --> 00:08:30,225
Hey. You want to buy some weed?
177
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:06,929
Tweety?
178
00:09:26,657 --> 00:09:28,283
All right, let me hear it.
179
00:09:28,284 --> 00:09:29,617
Hear what?
180
00:09:29,618 --> 00:09:32,287
You only smile like that
181
00:09:32,288 --> 00:09:35,165
over brownies, blow jobs, or a new bit.
182
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:38,960
And since we're all out of
brownies and blow jobs...
183
00:09:38,961 --> 00:09:41,462
Why are we always running
out of blow jobs?
184
00:09:41,463 --> 00:09:42,547
Why can't we run out of
Wheat Thins or yogurt?
185
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,299
It's always stuff that I like.
186
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:47,969
Joke, please.
187
00:09:47,970 --> 00:09:50,054
You know that Picasso just died, right?
188
00:09:50,055 --> 00:09:52,390
Good.
189
00:09:52,391 --> 00:09:53,850
What do you got against Picasso?
190
00:09:53,851 --> 00:09:56,144
Four of the women he was with...
191
00:09:56,145 --> 00:09:56,770
two committed suicide,
192
00:09:56,771 --> 00:09:58,605
and two he drove insane.
193
00:09:58,606 --> 00:10:00,356
So you're saying the guy has a type.
194
00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:02,901
Can I continue?
195
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:03,736
So I'm reading Pablo's obit.
196
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:05,486
You know, the guy's a famous artist.
197
00:10:05,487 --> 00:10:08,323
He's got nothing to prove,
198
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:10,325
except, apparently, how
much pussy he got.
199
00:10:10,326 --> 00:10:11,743
Listen to this.
200
00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:15,705
"Picasso, 91, died in a villa in France
201
00:10:15,706 --> 00:10:17,498
and leaves behind a wife
almost half his age."
202
00:10:17,499 --> 00:10:19,834
Okay, you've got my attention.
203
00:10:19,835 --> 00:10:22,295
"In addition to his wife,
he leaves four children...
204
00:10:22,296 --> 00:10:24,130
one son born to his first wife,
205
00:10:24,131 --> 00:10:26,007
the dancer Olga Khokhlova."
206
00:10:26,008 --> 00:10:28,092
Not just a dancer, the dancer.
207
00:10:28,093 --> 00:10:29,344
Right?
208
00:10:29,345 --> 00:10:30,511
"And daughter born to his mistress,
209
00:10:30,512 --> 00:10:32,013
Marie-Th?r?se Walter."
210
00:10:32,014 --> 00:10:34,015
Since when have mistresses
been put in obits?
211
00:10:34,016 --> 00:10:36,893
"And another son and
daughter both the children
212
00:10:36,894 --> 00:10:38,853
of Fran?oise Gilot, another mistress,"
213
00:10:38,854 --> 00:10:41,648
for those of you keeping score at home,
214
00:10:41,649 --> 00:10:46,402
"who is now the wife of biologist Dr.
Jonas Salk."
215
00:10:46,403 --> 00:10:48,529
Fuck you, Jonas Salk.
216
00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:51,324
You cured polio? I fucked your wife.
217
00:10:51,325 --> 00:10:52,201
That's not an obit.
218
00:10:52,202 --> 00:10:54,244
That's a press release for his dick.
219
00:11:01,877 --> 00:11:05,755
It's nice having a
comedian as a girlfriend.
220
00:11:13,889 --> 00:11:16,266
You've never called me that before.
221
00:11:18,435 --> 00:11:22,272
Is that what this is?
222
00:11:22,273 --> 00:11:24,148
I mean, "two people who
fuck intermittently"
223
00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:25,733
just sounds so long.
224
00:11:25,734 --> 00:11:26,485
Plus, we've been dating for four months.
225
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,903
Oh, "dating," wow.
226
00:11:28,904 --> 00:11:31,364
Well, you're just giving
away labels today.
227
00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:32,740
Ladies and gentlemen,
228
00:11:32,741 --> 00:11:36,077
the downside of having a
comedian as a girlfriend.
229
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,414
Hey!
230
00:11:39,415 --> 00:11:40,581
Hey!
231
00:11:40,582 --> 00:11:42,458
Jesus fucking Christ!
232
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,004
Come on!
233
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,259
Hey, hey!
234
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:52,760
This is my laundry.
235
00:11:52,761 --> 00:11:53,761
Asshole! Men's clothes!
236
00:11:53,762 --> 00:11:55,388
So, unless there's a Mr. Prostitute,
237
00:11:55,389 --> 00:11:58,266
you can go fuck...
238
00:11:58,267 --> 00:11:59,267
For fuck's sake.
239
00:11:59,268 --> 00:12:00,435
Give me the fucking bag back.
240
00:12:00,436 --> 00:12:01,477
All right, all right. Help! Help!
241
00:12:01,478 --> 00:12:02,770
She's got a fucking knife!
242
00:12:02,771 --> 00:12:05,148
She's got a fucking knife! Fuck!
243
00:12:05,149 --> 00:12:05,899
Fuck!
244
00:12:08,068 --> 00:12:10,278
F... all right, just take it!
Fucking take it!
245
00:12:14,825 --> 00:12:16,075
Shit.
246
00:12:16,076 --> 00:12:17,577
Oh, you motherfucker.
247
00:12:17,578 --> 00:12:19,954
Hey, big guy, get her!
248
00:12:19,955 --> 00:12:22,290
Hey! Come on!
249
00:12:28,464 --> 00:12:31,632
Why are these wet?
250
00:12:31,633 --> 00:12:33,634
I didn't have enough quarters.
251
00:12:33,635 --> 00:12:35,887
What'd you get us for lunch?
252
00:12:38,849 --> 00:12:40,183
Space food sticks?
253
00:12:40,184 --> 00:12:42,393
The clerk was watching me like a hawk.
254
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:44,604
Was it retarded Ringo Starr?
255
00:12:44,605 --> 00:12:47,273
No, it was the Asian
guy with the mustache
256
00:12:47,274 --> 00:12:49,317
that looks like a 12-year-old's pussy.
257
00:12:49,318 --> 00:12:50,651
We're lucky I got these.
258
00:12:50,652 --> 00:12:53,488
Hey, in zero gravity,
259
00:12:53,489 --> 00:12:56,366
would this or would this not
look like a floating turd?
260
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,284
Really?
261
00:12:58,285 --> 00:13:00,203
You're gonna ruin my appetite
for the only food we have?
262
00:13:00,204 --> 00:13:01,871
Hey, I know what will cheer you up.
263
00:13:01,872 --> 00:13:04,332
We got 34 bucks, and
rent's due next week.
264
00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:07,293
Fuck!
265
00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:09,921
My parents are gonna be so
pissed if I ask for more money.
266
00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:13,049
Well, if your mom had blown your dad
267
00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:14,509
instead of fucking him the
night you were conceived,
268
00:13:14,510 --> 00:13:15,551
they wouldn't be in this mess,
269
00:13:15,552 --> 00:13:18,137
so maybe look in the mirror, Mr.
and Mrs. Zeidel.
270
00:13:18,138 --> 00:13:21,933
Mm, can you please not talk
about my mother giving head?
271
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:25,520
Yeah, but you just made it
the elephant in the room.
272
00:13:27,189 --> 00:13:29,941
You should be
cleaning the toilets, Edgar.
273
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:32,068
Since when did Midnight Special
start doing showcases?
274
00:13:32,069 --> 00:13:34,153
Since I got a producer to come and see
275
00:13:34,154 --> 00:13:37,240
if one of you assholes is ready
for national television.
276
00:13:37,241 --> 00:13:41,536
Kay, no food in the audience
during the showcase, huh?
277
00:13:41,537 --> 00:13:42,870
How drunk do you want 'em?
278
00:13:42,871 --> 00:13:44,497
I want them focused on the comics,
279
00:13:44,498 --> 00:13:47,417
not whether or not their
cheese sticks are hot enough.
280
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:55,968
What the fuck?
281
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:59,387
This is it? These are the times?
282
00:13:59,388 --> 00:14:00,513
Is there a problem?
283
00:14:00,514 --> 00:14:01,431
Yeah, why you got me going first?
284
00:14:01,432 --> 00:14:02,974
I got to compete with the drink orders.
285
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:04,600
I'd rather open than close.
286
00:14:04,601 --> 00:14:06,227
You're not closing, you're headlining.
287
00:14:06,228 --> 00:14:08,020
Okay, that load of crap.
Let's call it what it is.
288
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:10,439
I'm going last... I'm
like the guy sweeping up
289
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:11,983
after the elephant at
the end of the parade.
290
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,693
No, Gabe's going after Ralph.
291
00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:15,611
He's sweeping up after the elephant.
292
00:14:15,612 --> 00:14:16,988
Uh, Goldie,
293
00:14:16,989 --> 00:14:18,406
Uh-huh?
294
00:14:18,407 --> 00:14:19,949
Why am I, uh, not on the list?
295
00:14:19,950 --> 00:14:21,826
Sully, I need you to emcee.
296
00:14:21,827 --> 00:14:23,119
No, what? No. Come on,
that's total bullshit.
297
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,620
You know I'm just as good as these guys.
298
00:14:24,621 --> 00:14:25,913
We've talked about this.
299
00:14:25,914 --> 00:14:28,916
You don't have a tight 15 yet.
300
00:14:28,917 --> 00:14:30,418
You're mostly crowd work.
301
00:14:30,419 --> 00:14:32,628
Uh, I can do a tight 15.
302
00:14:32,629 --> 00:14:35,882
I said "yet." I know you can,
and you will, just not now.
303
00:14:35,883 --> 00:14:38,301
- Are we done here?
- Uh, just one question.
304
00:14:38,302 --> 00:14:40,595
Do Gabe and I have to blow Bill, too,
305
00:14:40,596 --> 00:14:41,596
or just set the stage for him?
306
00:14:41,597 --> 00:14:42,222
Your meaning?
307
00:14:42,223 --> 00:14:44,265
Meaning, we warm him up,
308
00:14:44,266 --> 00:14:45,933
and Bill here reaps all the benefits.
309
00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:47,935
I don't have the best spot. Gabe does.
310
00:14:47,936 --> 00:14:49,353
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
311
00:14:49,354 --> 00:14:50,354
I got spot where everybody
goes to the bathroom
312
00:14:50,355 --> 00:14:52,440
because they don't got
food with their drinks.
313
00:14:52,441 --> 00:14:55,735
Hey, Gabe, that is not
how a bladder functions.
314
00:14:55,736 --> 00:14:56,445
Shut up, Edgar.
315
00:14:56,446 --> 00:14:58,154
I'm Jewish, you're Mexican,
316
00:14:58,155 --> 00:14:59,530
which automatically makes me closer
317
00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:00,573
to being a doctor than you.
318
00:15:00,574 --> 00:15:02,658
But if it's any consolation,
I will defer to you
319
00:15:02,659 --> 00:15:04,952
with any questions about selling
bags of oranges by the highway.
320
00:15:04,953 --> 00:15:06,454
Listen to you guys.
321
00:15:06,455 --> 00:15:09,749
You sound like a bunch of hens.
Shut the fuck up!
322
00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:11,959
If you don't like where you're placed,
323
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,294
you know that Argus or Mule Deer
324
00:15:13,295 --> 00:15:17,298
would be happy to take
any one of those spots.
325
00:15:17,299 --> 00:15:20,843
We're just saying, shouldn't it
be some sort of pecking order
326
00:15:20,844 --> 00:15:22,595
based off time put in at the club?
327
00:15:22,596 --> 00:15:24,305
Oh, there is a pecking order.
328
00:15:24,306 --> 00:15:26,849
It goes me, you.
329
00:15:26,850 --> 00:15:27,975
You got your lineup, ladies. Out.
330
00:15:27,976 --> 00:15:30,728
That's some bullshit.
331
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:33,773
Stop saying "we're just saying,"
when it's you just saying shit.
332
00:15:33,774 --> 00:15:35,691
Oh, like you like this lineup?
333
00:15:35,692 --> 00:15:38,319
Now, either all these guys
have the same handwriting,
334
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:42,448
or somebody signing their
friends up for open mic.
335
00:15:42,449 --> 00:15:45,660
Wish I could find that guy and
tell him to sign me the fuck up.
336
00:15:45,661 --> 00:15:46,827
I was the exact same way.
337
00:15:46,828 --> 00:15:49,038
I was on that list every week
338
00:15:49,039 --> 00:15:50,248
and now look at me.
339
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:52,541
I got the main room whenever I want it.
340
00:15:52,542 --> 00:15:54,794
As long as it's ten
minutes before closing.
341
00:15:54,795 --> 00:15:56,629
Yeah.
342
00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:58,130
Goldie wants to see you in her office.
343
00:15:58,131 --> 00:16:00,508
Wait, Goldie wants to see me? Why?
344
00:16:00,509 --> 00:16:02,677
She said something about
liking your shoes.
345
00:16:02,678 --> 00:16:04,303
My shoes?
346
00:16:04,304 --> 00:16:05,346
Wait. Really?
347
00:16:05,347 --> 00:16:06,223
Just go see her.
348
00:16:08,475 --> 00:16:09,684
Well, I feel like I'm going
to the principal's office
349
00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:11,894
or some shit now.
350
00:16:11,895 --> 00:16:13,396
Wish I had an apple to give her.
351
00:16:13,397 --> 00:16:15,648
Goldie doesn't get apples.
She gives them.
352
00:16:15,649 --> 00:16:16,899
Ooh, like Eve. Got it.
353
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:18,693
Or the witch in Snow White.
354
00:16:18,694 --> 00:16:20,988
Pick your poison.
355
00:16:26,368 --> 00:16:27,535
Yep?
356
00:16:27,536 --> 00:16:29,620
Hey, you wanted to see me?
357
00:16:29,621 --> 00:16:31,248
Oh, hey, come in.
358
00:16:34,042 --> 00:16:37,545
Caught your
act the other night.
359
00:16:37,546 --> 00:16:41,173
Yeah?
360
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:42,842
Funny.
361
00:16:42,843 --> 00:16:45,886
Thank you. I mean, it was a
rough night, but I thought...
362
00:16:45,887 --> 00:16:49,015
That handyman bit... is it true?
363
00:16:49,016 --> 00:16:50,391
Yeah.
364
00:16:50,392 --> 00:16:52,226
I mean, I think all the best comedy
365
00:16:52,227 --> 00:16:53,602
comes from a core of reality...
366
00:16:53,603 --> 00:16:54,479
That's great. I have some work for you
367
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,816
at the the house if you're interested.
368
00:17:01,111 --> 00:17:04,155
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of... of course.
369
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:05,239
Great.
370
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:07,283
Monday morning, bright and early.
371
00:17:07,284 --> 00:17:09,160
Arnie'll give you the address.
372
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:09,911
All right.
373
00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:18,461
So we need jobs
374
00:17:18,462 --> 00:17:21,756
if we're gonna keep enjoying
this extravagant lifestyle
375
00:17:21,757 --> 00:17:25,134
of living in a closet and
eating stolen snack food.
376
00:17:25,135 --> 00:17:27,428
Do you... do you know of anything
377
00:17:27,429 --> 00:17:30,097
or maybe something at your work or...?
378
00:17:30,098 --> 00:17:30,682
Mm...
379
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,767
not really.
380
00:17:32,768 --> 00:17:33,685
No.
381
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:37,730
Mm, I can keep my ears open, though.
382
00:17:37,731 --> 00:17:38,607
Where you...
383
00:17:38,608 --> 00:17:41,108
where do you work, again, exactly...
384
00:17:41,109 --> 00:17:43,235
that I would like to work also?
385
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,906
Stefan Hatos-Monty Hall Productions...
386
00:17:46,907 --> 00:17:48,991
the people who do Let's Make a Deal.
387
00:17:48,992 --> 00:17:50,451
I'm an usher currently,
388
00:17:50,452 --> 00:17:53,579
but I'm hoping to one
day be a presenter.
389
00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:55,247
And what would that entail?
390
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:58,584
So say that Monty is
telling a contestant
391
00:17:58,585 --> 00:17:59,378
that they won a refrigerator.
392
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:02,129
When Jay is giving all the details,
393
00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:05,132
Carol Merrill, who is the
nicest person in real life,
394
00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:09,429
she presents the item, like so...
395
00:18:12,641 --> 00:18:13,058
What do you think?
396
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:14,975
I think...
397
00:18:14,976 --> 00:18:15,811
I think you got to raise
your arms up higher,
398
00:18:15,812 --> 00:18:18,396
because the freezer...
399
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:20,398
that's what people really care about.
400
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:21,483
So like...?
401
00:18:23,652 --> 00:18:25,194
Perfect.
402
00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:33,994
Bill, what material you doing tonight?
403
00:18:33,995 --> 00:18:36,497
Why don't you watch me and see?
404
00:18:36,498 --> 00:18:37,998
I just think it sucks you
can't do your A stuff.
405
00:18:37,999 --> 00:18:40,835
The abortion bit kills,
406
00:18:40,836 --> 00:18:42,878
but, you know, TV, right?
407
00:18:42,879 --> 00:18:45,631
Not that I don't like your
family stuff, it's good.
408
00:18:45,632 --> 00:18:47,216
It's a solid B.
409
00:18:48,552 --> 00:18:51,721
Sully, is that what they're
wearing on the bench?
410
00:18:51,722 --> 00:18:53,848
Jesus.
411
00:18:56,184 --> 00:18:58,477
Gabe... let's go get stoned.
412
00:18:58,478 --> 00:19:00,062
Why the fuck would
I want to get stoned
413
00:19:00,063 --> 00:19:01,022
- before I go up?
- Whoa!
414
00:19:01,023 --> 00:19:03,649
No need to take my head off.
415
00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:04,317
I just know you're under
a lot of pressure,
416
00:19:04,318 --> 00:19:06,652
and I want to help you out.
417
00:19:06,653 --> 00:19:09,448
You know your shit does not play
well when you're like this.
418
00:19:10,907 --> 00:19:13,534
One fucking word, Edgar,
419
00:19:13,535 --> 00:19:17,705
and you'll be sipping your
next burrito through a straw.
420
00:19:17,706 --> 00:19:19,957
So Goldie wanted you to
come up to her house
421
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:22,418
so you could do some handyman work?
422
00:19:22,419 --> 00:19:23,878
And I'm up here thinking she gonna
423
00:19:23,879 --> 00:19:24,920
give me The Cellar or some shit.
424
00:19:24,921 --> 00:19:26,338
- Right.
- Nope.
425
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:28,048
Coo-coo-catchoo, Mrs. Jackie Robinson.
426
00:19:28,049 --> 00:19:30,217
Okay, it's not like that. Is it?
427
00:19:30,218 --> 00:19:32,470
Well, maybe it's like an audition.
428
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:33,929
For your cock.
429
00:19:33,930 --> 00:19:34,723
No, she already said
you were funny, right?
430
00:19:34,724 --> 00:19:36,557
Now she's trying to see how funny.
431
00:19:36,558 --> 00:19:38,893
She's all buddy-buddy
with these shitheads.
432
00:19:38,894 --> 00:19:39,561
And maybe that's how she does it.
433
00:19:39,562 --> 00:19:41,395
- Go wow her.
- Mm.
434
00:19:41,396 --> 00:19:41,897
With your cock.
435
00:19:41,898 --> 00:19:43,856
What the fuck?
436
00:19:43,857 --> 00:19:44,899
Were you including me
437
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:46,859
when you were talking
about those shitheads?
438
00:19:46,860 --> 00:19:49,236
Because, frankly, I would
love to be promoted
439
00:19:49,237 --> 00:19:50,905
from peon to shithead.
440
00:19:50,906 --> 00:19:53,574
Well, you know Goldie and I are
on a first-name basis now.
441
00:19:53,575 --> 00:19:54,950
Yeah.
442
00:19:54,951 --> 00:19:55,702
Of course, she thinks
that name is "Freddie."
443
00:19:55,703 --> 00:19:57,453
Wait. Your name isn't Freddie?
444
00:19:57,454 --> 00:19:59,413
Not to interrupt your
mutual attempts at banter,
445
00:19:59,414 --> 00:20:01,165
but there appears to be
a shithead in distress
446
00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:04,919
waving you over as we speak.
447
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:08,756
Excuse me.
448
00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:11,802
Hey.
449
00:20:11,803 --> 00:20:14,094
Hi.
450
00:20:14,095 --> 00:20:15,513
I'm going with the Picasso bit.
451
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:16,889
What? Why?
452
00:20:16,890 --> 00:20:17,599
Because Edgar said my
family shit is lame,
453
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,850
and he's right... it is lame.
454
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:21,227
And the Picasso bit is raw,
but that doesn't even matter.
455
00:20:21,228 --> 00:20:22,436
- Okay, stop...
- No, listen...
456
00:20:22,437 --> 00:20:23,521
- No. Stop.
- Listen...
457
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:26,982
You know the only word I
heard you say was "Edgar."
458
00:20:26,983 --> 00:20:28,484
You know Edgar.
459
00:20:28,485 --> 00:20:30,861
He makes his living messing
with people's minds.
460
00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:32,988
The Picasso bit is gonna be great,
461
00:20:32,989 --> 00:20:34,448
but it's a work in progress,
462
00:20:34,449 --> 00:20:36,283
and you always kill
with your family stuff.
463
00:20:36,284 --> 00:20:39,412
And you're gonna kill it tonight.
464
00:20:42,999 --> 00:20:46,794
Fucking Edgar.
465
00:20:46,795 --> 00:20:47,920
You're right.
466
00:20:47,921 --> 00:20:52,967
It's nice having a
girlfriend who's a comedian.
467
00:20:52,968 --> 00:20:55,053
Hey, fuck off. Have a good set.
468
00:20:58,473 --> 00:21:00,641
I can't get used to the
size of things out here.
469
00:21:00,642 --> 00:21:03,352
I went to this Beverly
Hills public pool.
470
00:21:03,353 --> 00:21:05,938
Big pool, not crowded...
471
00:21:05,939 --> 00:21:06,981
also, not public.
472
00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:12,152
Turns out I was in
someone else's backyard.
473
00:21:12,153 --> 00:21:15,823
They had me arrested for trespassing.
474
00:21:15,824 --> 00:21:18,075
But where I'm from, if
you got a yard that big,
475
00:21:18,076 --> 00:21:20,494
you already in jail.
476
00:21:22,038 --> 00:21:23,247
You know, I admire the
Civil Rights movement.
477
00:21:23,248 --> 00:21:25,749
I don't know how they did it.
478
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:28,586
You know, could you
imagine Jews rioting?
479
00:21:29,713 --> 00:21:31,839
Oh, all that fire, the heat.
480
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,465
Ugh.
481
00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:35,175
Throw a couple German
Shepherds in there,
482
00:21:35,176 --> 00:21:37,469
not exactly a breed we gravitate to.
483
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:41,307
Ugh, but protesting on the other hand.
484
00:21:41,308 --> 00:21:43,017
Protesting is something Jews
might actually excel at,
485
00:21:43,018 --> 00:21:45,477
because protesting...
486
00:21:45,478 --> 00:21:47,438
basically organized complaining.
487
00:21:48,357 --> 00:21:49,523
You know? What do we want?
488
00:21:49,524 --> 00:21:51,650
Freedom. When do we want it?
489
00:21:51,651 --> 00:21:53,694
I don't know. I'm just worried.
490
00:21:54,696 --> 00:21:56,322
I'm not married.
491
00:21:56,323 --> 00:21:57,948
I don't like the idea
of marriage, you know?
492
00:21:57,949 --> 00:22:00,159
I find the anniversary
gifts a real turnoff.
493
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,036
First year, paper. Second year, cotton.
494
00:22:01,037 --> 00:22:03,370
Third year, leather.
495
00:22:03,371 --> 00:22:04,039
Sounds like a suicide kit.
496
00:22:05,373 --> 00:22:07,833
Paper to write the suicide note with.
497
00:22:07,834 --> 00:22:09,710
"Thanks for the cotton last year, honey,
498
00:22:09,711 --> 00:22:12,004
and this year for the belt
to hang myself with."
499
00:22:12,924 --> 00:22:15,382
I think we need to
update this list, right?
500
00:22:15,383 --> 00:22:17,551
First year, peace. Second year, quiet.
501
00:22:17,552 --> 00:22:19,845
Third year, fix me up with your sister.
502
00:22:21,097 --> 00:22:24,058
Don't fuck me on this intro.
Just keep it short and sweet.
503
00:22:24,059 --> 00:22:25,684
"Very funny man, Edgar Martinez."
504
00:22:25,685 --> 00:22:27,561
Yeah, I'm not really big
on lying to the public.
505
00:22:27,562 --> 00:22:28,896
Okay, just do what I ask,
and I'll do you the favor
506
00:22:28,897 --> 00:22:31,857
of swatting away all the pigs
that fly out of Goldie's ass
507
00:22:31,858 --> 00:22:33,859
- when you get your big break.
- That's my time.
508
00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:35,402
- Thank you guys so much.
- Douche.
509
00:22:37,781 --> 00:22:40,908
Bill Hobbs, ladies
and gentlemen, Bill Hobbs!
510
00:22:40,909 --> 00:22:43,327
Are you guys having a
good time tonight, huh?
511
00:22:43,328 --> 00:22:44,287
Whoo!
512
00:22:44,288 --> 00:22:46,121
Good, good, good, good!
513
00:22:46,122 --> 00:22:48,082
I know this guy is, 'cause,
wow, look at his date.
514
00:22:48,083 --> 00:22:50,250
She is gorgeous. And he is not.
515
00:22:50,251 --> 00:22:52,836
Whoo-ah! God, the power
of Christ compels you.
516
00:22:52,837 --> 00:22:54,380
Don't look straight into his eyes.
517
00:22:54,381 --> 00:22:55,756
When I look at this
couple, I-I feel that
518
00:22:55,757 --> 00:22:57,132
a short straw somehow
played a role in this.
519
00:22:57,133 --> 00:22:58,592
Did you lose a bet?
520
00:22:58,593 --> 00:23:01,553
Are you... are you... is
there a gun under the table?
521
00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:02,596
Guys, don't feel bad for her.
She charges by the pound.
522
00:23:02,597 --> 00:23:04,682
She's doing great.
523
00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:08,143
Is this your daughter, or...
or are you just rich?
524
00:23:08,144 --> 00:23:09,186
- Both.
- Both! Nice!
525
00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:11,355
Well, a follow-up question...
are you single?
526
00:23:11,356 --> 00:23:13,065
Because I'm looking for
a sugar daddy-in-law.
527
00:23:13,066 --> 00:23:15,025
Yeah? She's not answering.
She'll tell me later.
528
00:23:15,026 --> 00:23:15,735
All right, guys, let's move on.
529
00:23:15,736 --> 00:23:17,653
We have got a guy coming up.
530
00:23:17,654 --> 00:23:19,405
He is Mexican. That's his act.
Good night.
531
00:23:20,782 --> 00:23:22,074
No, I'm kidding, kidding.
532
00:23:22,075 --> 00:23:23,242
Seriously, uh, this guy is great.
533
00:23:23,243 --> 00:23:24,785
If life is a potluck, he
only brought the guacamole.
534
00:23:24,786 --> 00:23:26,954
He's straight out of the
mean streets of Brentwood,
535
00:23:26,955 --> 00:23:31,709
here to tell you how Mexicans
are different, Edgar Martinez!
536
00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:35,588
- You are a dead man.
- Blow me.
537
00:23:38,550 --> 00:23:39,134
Hey.
538
00:23:39,135 --> 00:23:42,136
We are.
539
00:23:42,137 --> 00:23:44,513
We are... we are different, right?
540
00:23:44,514 --> 00:23:47,182
For example, when
Mexicans go to the store,
541
00:23:47,183 --> 00:23:49,059
we bring the whole family.
542
00:23:51,396 --> 00:23:52,688
Uh...
543
00:23:52,689 --> 00:23:53,398
We want to br... buy
some cottage cheese,
544
00:23:53,399 --> 00:23:57,192
we put it up to a vote.
545
00:23:57,193 --> 00:23:58,819
And everybody can only get one thing,
546
00:23:58,820 --> 00:24:02,114
'cause we don't have
much room in the car.
547
00:24:02,115 --> 00:24:04,784
Right, everybody's holding one grape.
548
00:24:07,328 --> 00:24:09,204
Then we got to go back,
549
00:24:09,205 --> 00:24:11,623
get some more stuff.
550
00:24:11,624 --> 00:24:13,500
You don't do crowd work
during a showcase.
551
00:24:13,501 --> 00:24:15,002
Hey, hey, hey!
552
00:24:15,003 --> 00:24:17,296
Unwritten rule number
seven, written right here!
553
00:24:17,297 --> 00:24:18,297
I got laughs! You didn't!
554
00:24:18,298 --> 00:24:20,049
I should have had your
fucking spot, man!
555
00:24:20,050 --> 00:24:21,508
Yeah? Fucking insulting the comic
556
00:24:21,509 --> 00:24:23,844
you're bringing up, you motherfucker!
557
00:24:29,017 --> 00:24:30,059
Is this still a fight?
558
00:24:30,060 --> 00:24:32,144
It's starting to look
like how babies are made.
559
00:24:32,145 --> 00:24:33,187
Yeah, this was my shot.
560
00:24:33,188 --> 00:24:34,938
You never had a shot, Edgar! Ha ha!
561
00:24:34,939 --> 00:24:36,190
Because you fucked it up!
562
00:24:36,191 --> 00:24:38,859
Get the fuck off of him!
563
00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:40,069
What the...
564
00:24:40,070 --> 00:24:41,487
What the hell was that out there?
565
00:24:41,488 --> 00:24:42,238
I was just amping 'em up.
566
00:24:42,239 --> 00:24:44,323
More like fucking him up.
567
00:24:44,324 --> 00:24:46,200
Thank you, Goldie.
568
00:24:46,201 --> 00:24:48,327
D...
569
00:24:48,328 --> 00:24:49,745
Bill, Monday morning,
570
00:24:49,746 --> 00:24:52,206
Ten a. m. Butterman's office.
571
00:24:52,207 --> 00:24:54,333
Are you shitting me?
572
00:24:54,334 --> 00:24:57,044
Congratulations, Billy.
573
00:24:57,045 --> 00:24:57,962
Okay!
574
00:24:57,963 --> 00:25:00,214
Okay, all right. You two settle down.
575
00:25:00,215 --> 00:25:02,966
Holy shit. Holy shit.
576
00:25:02,967 --> 00:25:04,718
This isn't over, asshole.
577
00:25:04,719 --> 00:25:05,886
You punch like it's the
second day of your period.
578
00:25:05,887 --> 00:25:07,847
- Yeah, fuck you.
- Easy.
579
00:25:10,892 --> 00:25:12,267
Congratulations.
580
00:25:12,268 --> 00:25:13,685
Fucking...
581
00:25:13,686 --> 00:25:16,105
No.
582
00:25:29,577 --> 00:25:33,413
What, are you coming from church?
583
00:25:33,414 --> 00:25:36,250
N-no, no, no, I have a
T-shirt on under this.
584
00:25:36,251 --> 00:25:37,085
I just wasn't sure of what...
585
00:25:37,086 --> 00:25:40,879
The dress code?
586
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:44,008
You're painting a room, not
taking it out to dinner.
587
00:25:48,429 --> 00:25:52,516
All this pink, I want it gone.
588
00:25:52,517 --> 00:25:54,101
We're going olive.
589
00:25:54,102 --> 00:25:56,270
My little sister's room used
to look just like this.
590
00:25:56,271 --> 00:25:59,940
My daughter's room.
591
00:25:59,941 --> 00:26:03,277
Little girls and pink.
592
00:26:03,278 --> 00:26:04,112
This is probably the first time, huh?
593
00:26:04,113 --> 00:26:05,904
What?
594
00:26:05,905 --> 00:26:08,949
I was just thinking that
it's probably the first time
595
00:26:08,950 --> 00:26:11,785
that a white woman has
ever wanted a black man
596
00:26:11,786 --> 00:26:14,247
in her daughter's bedroom.
597
00:26:18,251 --> 00:26:19,293
So your daughter likes olive now, huh?
598
00:26:19,294 --> 00:26:20,627
Hates it.
599
00:26:20,628 --> 00:26:23,297
You'll find what you need in the garage.
600
00:26:23,298 --> 00:26:24,840
Anything you want to eat, you
help yourself in the kitchen.
601
00:26:24,841 --> 00:26:27,260
I'll be down at the club, you need me.
602
00:26:34,517 --> 00:26:35,601
What do you think?
603
00:26:35,602 --> 00:26:38,645
Well, that depends.
604
00:26:38,646 --> 00:26:41,607
Are you going skiing or
gonna blow Dick Cavett?
605
00:26:41,608 --> 00:26:42,983
Oh, Dick and I were gonna ski first,
606
00:26:42,984 --> 00:26:43,651
but I do usually blow
him when we're done.
607
00:26:43,652 --> 00:26:45,694
Well, then you look great.
608
00:26:45,695 --> 00:26:47,070
So that's a no to the turtleneck.
609
00:26:47,071 --> 00:26:50,157
Well, actually, that's a
fuck, no, but I'm a lady.
610
00:26:50,158 --> 00:26:52,075
You still haven't told
me what Butterman said.
611
00:26:53,870 --> 00:26:55,662
"I saw your 15. Now do your best six.
612
00:26:55,663 --> 00:26:57,414
Buy a suit.
613
00:26:57,415 --> 00:26:58,999
You look like you play for
a women's softball team."
614
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,876
And then some quick story
about how he one time
615
00:27:00,877 --> 00:27:02,669
saw Joni Mitchell peeing
outdoors while standing up.
616
00:27:02,670 --> 00:27:05,297
- Way to bury the lede.
- Mm.
617
00:27:05,298 --> 00:27:06,381
Also, Dionne Warwick is hosting.
618
00:27:06,382 --> 00:27:10,344
And apparently she finds
excessive eye contact crass.
619
00:27:10,345 --> 00:27:12,179
Well, I'm still very happy for you
620
00:27:12,180 --> 00:27:12,847
despite your many hurdles.
621
00:27:14,766 --> 00:27:17,559
My dad and my sister are coming out.
622
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,019
Wow.
623
00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:22,314
I'm kind of excited to meet your dad.
624
00:27:22,315 --> 00:27:24,358
Yeah, I don't know why I told them.
625
00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:25,234
Because this is your moment,
626
00:27:25,235 --> 00:27:27,402
and you want the people that matter most
627
00:27:27,403 --> 00:27:29,696
to be there for you.
628
00:27:29,697 --> 00:27:31,698
Oh, you're gonna be there, huh?
629
00:27:31,699 --> 00:27:32,741
I'll think about it if you
lose that turtleneck.
630
00:27:32,742 --> 00:27:36,036
What you need is a groovy shirt.
631
00:27:38,206 --> 00:27:39,206
I'm gonna take the suit,
632
00:27:39,207 --> 00:27:42,584
but I'll need the
alterations done quickly.
633
00:27:42,585 --> 00:27:44,711
I got Midnight Special.
634
00:27:44,712 --> 00:27:47,047
Uh, the suit's not on special.
635
00:27:47,048 --> 00:27:48,382
Sorry.
636
00:27:48,383 --> 00:27:51,510
No, uh, it's a...
637
00:27:51,511 --> 00:27:52,387
it's a television show,
Midnight Special.
638
00:27:52,388 --> 00:27:54,429
I'm gonna be on it.
639
00:27:54,430 --> 00:27:57,349
Oh, I don't watch television.
640
00:27:57,350 --> 00:27:58,768
Right.
641
00:28:00,395 --> 00:28:02,646
I think we can just put it
on the... like, the cuff here.
642
00:28:02,647 --> 00:28:04,481
It has to make... be,
like, flashy, make noise.
643
00:28:04,482 --> 00:28:06,817
- It's itchy. It's itchy.
- Okay, this one you don't need.
644
00:28:06,818 --> 00:28:08,568
What, you got kin coming
up from Tennessee?
645
00:28:08,569 --> 00:28:10,612
No, dude, Maggie pulled some strings
646
00:28:10,613 --> 00:28:12,155
and got us on Let's Make a Deal.
647
00:28:12,156 --> 00:28:13,407
Jobs?
648
00:28:13,408 --> 00:28:14,325
Even better... contestants.
649
00:28:14,326 --> 00:28:16,410
- What?
- Yeah, and I got you costumes.
650
00:28:16,411 --> 00:28:17,911
People just leave them in the
Dumpster behind the studio.
651
00:28:17,912 --> 00:28:20,580
Yeah, you smell like
desperation and mouse urine.
652
00:28:20,581 --> 00:28:22,416
No, Z, this could be big, okay?
653
00:28:22,417 --> 00:28:24,334
We're on the trading floor. All
we got to do is get picked.
654
00:28:24,335 --> 00:28:25,211
Wait. We... we got to get picked?
655
00:28:25,212 --> 00:28:26,253
Yeah. Do you even watch the show?
656
00:28:26,254 --> 00:28:28,922
No.
657
00:28:28,923 --> 00:28:30,007
Well, then you don't know
how incredible this is.
658
00:28:30,008 --> 00:28:31,425
You could win a dining-room set
659
00:28:31,426 --> 00:28:33,260
or patio furniture.
660
00:28:33,261 --> 00:28:35,429
Oh, great.
661
00:28:35,430 --> 00:28:36,139
We can be comfortable while we starve.
662
00:28:36,140 --> 00:28:38,181
No, dude, a-anything we win,
663
00:28:38,182 --> 00:28:39,599
we're gonna sell and use to buy food.
664
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:41,435
It's all about the cash value.
665
00:28:41,436 --> 00:28:43,311
Yeah, and don't forget to
bring a hard-boiled egg.
666
00:28:43,312 --> 00:28:44,312
What? Why?
667
00:28:44,313 --> 00:28:45,772
Because Monty's gonna ask
you for random shit,
668
00:28:45,773 --> 00:28:48,400
and then give you 50 bucks for it.
669
00:28:48,401 --> 00:28:51,361
And hard-boiled eggs are his go-to item.
670
00:28:51,362 --> 00:28:54,406
This is a fucking ridiculous plan.
671
00:28:55,491 --> 00:28:58,285
These people,
dressed as they are,
672
00:28:58,286 --> 00:29:01,955
come from all over the
United States to make deals.
673
00:29:01,956 --> 00:29:04,624
Here in the market place of America,
674
00:29:04,625 --> 00:29:08,420
Let's Make a Deal!
675
00:29:10,923 --> 00:29:15,469
And now here's
America's top trader,
676
00:29:15,470 --> 00:29:17,471
TV's big dealer,
677
00:29:17,472 --> 00:29:21,516
Monty Hall!
678
00:29:24,479 --> 00:29:26,646
Thank you.
679
00:29:26,647 --> 00:29:27,315
Me make-em big deal.
680
00:29:27,316 --> 00:29:29,816
Yay.
681
00:29:29,817 --> 00:29:31,568
I have some
reservations about this one...
682
00:29:31,569 --> 00:29:33,487
Unless you want space food
sticks for dinner, get excited.
683
00:29:33,488 --> 00:29:35,822
Monty only chooses excited people.
684
00:29:35,823 --> 00:29:36,865
Like I already don't hate myself enough.
685
00:29:36,866 --> 00:29:39,534
The yolk's on you, my friend.
686
00:29:39,535 --> 00:29:42,204
All right. Let's see.
687
00:29:42,205 --> 00:29:43,164
What do we have here?
What do we have here?
688
00:29:43,165 --> 00:29:47,459
What's that? "Not scared
to crow for a deal."
689
00:29:47,460 --> 00:29:48,919
I'm not, Monty.
690
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:49,920
All right.
691
00:29:49,921 --> 00:29:51,505
Ron Shack. Good name.
692
00:29:51,506 --> 00:29:53,882
Uh, Ron Shack, will you crow for me?
693
00:29:53,883 --> 00:29:56,051
Caw, caw!
694
00:29:56,052 --> 00:29:57,469
Not bad. Come on.
695
00:29:58,846 --> 00:30:01,181
We just moved here from Boston.
696
00:30:01,182 --> 00:30:02,682
I mean, I'm originally from Tennessee,
697
00:30:02,683 --> 00:30:04,518
but we moved there when I was, like, 15.
698
00:30:04,519 --> 00:30:06,603
Okay, you and the... uh, the sunflower?
699
00:30:06,604 --> 00:30:08,188
No, no, he's...
700
00:30:08,189 --> 00:30:10,482
he was... the sunflower
was always from Boston.
701
00:30:10,483 --> 00:30:11,525
All right. And who do we have here?
702
00:30:11,526 --> 00:30:14,402
Uh, Eddie...
703
00:30:14,403 --> 00:30:15,529
Show him your thing.
704
00:30:15,530 --> 00:30:16,197
Uh, Eddie Zeidel. Is that correct?
705
00:30:16,198 --> 00:30:18,490
That's close enough, Monty!
706
00:30:18,491 --> 00:30:19,658
All right.
707
00:30:19,659 --> 00:30:20,368
Well, Ron and Eddie from Boston
708
00:30:20,369 --> 00:30:21,910
and formerly from Tennessee,
709
00:30:21,911 --> 00:30:23,787
do either of you have a hard-boiled egg?
710
00:30:23,788 --> 00:30:25,205
We do! We do, Monty.
711
00:30:25,206 --> 00:30:27,666
Give him the egg.
712
00:30:27,667 --> 00:30:29,709
I ate it. I ate it.
713
00:30:29,710 --> 00:30:31,128
What?
714
00:30:31,129 --> 00:30:33,839
I didn't think that was a real thing.
715
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:35,882
Monty, we had an egg, I promise.
716
00:30:35,883 --> 00:30:37,425
I'm so sorry, but he ate it.
717
00:30:37,426 --> 00:30:38,677
All right, well...
718
00:30:38,678 --> 00:30:40,971
Well, don't worry because I
have something else planned.
719
00:30:40,972 --> 00:30:44,599
Jay, let's bring down the register.
720
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:47,394
Thank you, Jay.
721
00:30:47,395 --> 00:30:49,563
Now, Ron, would you
like to push a button?
722
00:30:49,564 --> 00:30:50,564
Yes, absolutely, Monty!
723
00:30:51,899 --> 00:30:54,192
Whoo!
724
00:30:54,193 --> 00:30:55,819
Two hundred dollars!
725
00:30:55,820 --> 00:30:58,238
That's right, $200.
726
00:30:58,239 --> 00:31:01,032
What do we have here?
727
00:31:01,033 --> 00:31:02,492
One, two...
728
00:31:07,415 --> 00:31:09,583
Hey.
729
00:31:09,584 --> 00:31:11,835
You want this?
730
00:31:11,836 --> 00:31:15,338
Ah, no such thing as a
free lunch, my friend.
731
00:31:25,933 --> 00:31:27,684
I'm not too sure about what I'm eating,
732
00:31:27,685 --> 00:31:29,603
but it's good.
733
00:31:29,604 --> 00:31:33,064
It's liverwurst.
734
00:31:33,065 --> 00:31:34,482
I think that's what my
granddad died from.
735
00:31:39,697 --> 00:31:42,992
Because he... he used to drink and...
736
00:31:50,583 --> 00:31:52,459
So why do you have an empty birdcage?
737
00:31:52,460 --> 00:31:55,588
Bird died.
738
00:31:56,163 --> 00:31:56,839
Oh.
739
00:32:02,470 --> 00:32:05,972
Had it eight years.
740
00:32:05,973 --> 00:32:09,477
It was a birthday gift to
my daughter, for her ninth.
741
00:32:13,814 --> 00:32:16,816
So what did you do with it?
742
00:32:16,817 --> 00:32:18,485
What, the parakeet?
743
00:32:18,486 --> 00:32:19,903
Flushed it. What else
do you do with a dead bird?
744
00:32:19,904 --> 00:32:23,282
Right.
745
00:32:36,045 --> 00:32:39,005
So why are you painting
your daughter's room
746
00:32:39,006 --> 00:32:41,342
a color that she doesn't like?
747
00:32:43,511 --> 00:32:45,429
Not her room anymore.
748
00:32:51,060 --> 00:32:55,231
Did she go off to college or something?
749
00:33:11,372 --> 00:33:12,331
Hello?
750
00:33:14,041 --> 00:33:16,876
Do not tell me that
shit is still going on.
751
00:33:16,877 --> 00:33:19,045
Jesus Christ.
752
00:33:19,046 --> 00:33:22,173
I-I-I'll be right there.
753
00:33:22,174 --> 00:33:24,718
Fucking kids.
754
00:33:28,889 --> 00:33:31,516
Sully, you are telling me that Edgar
755
00:33:31,517 --> 00:33:33,977
had a bum shit in your car?
756
00:33:33,978 --> 00:33:36,688
One of the waitresses saw
Edgar literally open the door
757
00:33:36,689 --> 00:33:38,189
and allow the bum into my car!
758
00:33:38,190 --> 00:33:39,733
How does she know I
wasn't letting him out?
759
00:33:39,734 --> 00:33:41,067
- Shut up.
- Enough.
760
00:33:41,068 --> 00:33:43,653
Let's get to the bigger point.
761
00:33:43,654 --> 00:33:45,613
Why the fuck are you
involving me in this?
762
00:33:45,614 --> 00:33:46,490
Don't you think I have my
own shit to deal with?
763
00:33:46,491 --> 00:33:48,408
Well, it happened in your parking lot,
764
00:33:48,409 --> 00:33:49,909
so I assume it's under
your jurisdiction.
765
00:33:49,910 --> 00:33:51,077
Well, I think the burden
of proof is on Sully.
766
00:33:51,078 --> 00:33:53,872
I mean, I deny ever telling a bum
767
00:33:53,873 --> 00:33:55,665
to shit in his front seat.
768
00:33:55,666 --> 00:33:58,460
I am willing to agree
to the lesser charge
769
00:33:58,461 --> 00:34:01,755
of just feeding a bum
Dinty Moore Beef Stew
770
00:34:01,756 --> 00:34:02,797
and pointing him towards his car.
771
00:34:02,798 --> 00:34:04,966
This fucking guy! See? Right there?
He's saying it.
772
00:34:04,967 --> 00:34:06,343
That is enough. Stop.
773
00:34:06,344 --> 00:34:08,178
Sully, you brought this on yourself.
774
00:34:08,179 --> 00:34:09,346
Uh...
775
00:34:09,347 --> 00:34:09,972
"He's a Mexican, that's his act"
776
00:34:09,973 --> 00:34:12,891
is not an introduction.
777
00:34:12,892 --> 00:34:14,517
Edgar is a goddamn lunatic,
778
00:34:14,518 --> 00:34:15,769
- and you know it.
- Hey.
779
00:34:15,770 --> 00:34:16,645
What'd you think was gonna happen?
780
00:34:16,646 --> 00:34:20,023
- I'm the victim here!
- No, I am.
781
00:34:20,024 --> 00:34:22,776
And I don't want to hear
another word about this.
782
00:34:25,112 --> 00:34:26,363
Here's Ron and Eddie, Ron and Eddie.
783
00:34:26,364 --> 00:34:27,572
Yeah, Monty!
784
00:34:27,573 --> 00:34:29,783
Tell me, boys, do you
still have that $200,
785
00:34:29,784 --> 00:34:30,493
or did Eddie here eat it?
786
00:34:30,494 --> 00:34:32,285
No, no, no, we still have it.
787
00:34:32,286 --> 00:34:32,787
Yeah, no, I didn't eat that, Monty.
788
00:34:32,788 --> 00:34:35,121
All right.
789
00:34:35,122 --> 00:34:36,706
Well, would you like to
trade that 200 bucks for
790
00:34:36,707 --> 00:34:38,875
what's behind the curtain where
Carol Merrill is standing?
791
00:34:41,587 --> 00:34:43,463
Ron, we already have $200,
792
00:34:43,464 --> 00:34:44,923
and somebody just won a baby elephant,
793
00:34:44,924 --> 00:34:47,175
so let's just... let's just pack it in,
794
00:34:47,176 --> 00:34:48,301
call it a day.
795
00:34:48,302 --> 00:34:49,969
We'll take the curtain, Monty.
796
00:34:49,970 --> 00:34:52,389
All right, for Ron and
Eddie, what do we got?
797
00:34:54,725 --> 00:34:55,518
We have a billiard table.
798
00:34:55,519 --> 00:34:57,686
Jay?
799
00:34:57,687 --> 00:35:00,146
That's right. It's a
brand-new billiard table,
800
00:35:00,147 --> 00:35:02,232
featuring a burn-resistant
cloth surface,
801
00:35:02,233 --> 00:35:03,817
high-speed rubber cushions...
802
00:35:03,818 --> 00:35:05,568
Where are we putting that?
803
00:35:05,569 --> 00:35:06,986
Retail value.
804
00:35:06,987 --> 00:35:08,988
We sell that baby, we
can eat for months.
805
00:35:08,989 --> 00:35:11,783
Manufactured in
Costa Mesa, California,
806
00:35:11,784 --> 00:35:14,661
this beautiful billiard table retails
807
00:35:14,662 --> 00:35:17,831
for $1,895!
808
00:35:17,832 --> 00:35:21,876
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Yes.
809
00:35:21,877 --> 00:35:23,379
Yes! Yes!
810
00:35:28,134 --> 00:35:30,469
- I'll get that.
- Thanks.
811
00:35:32,513 --> 00:35:35,181
- You finally made it.
- Oh, you finally made it.
812
00:35:35,182 --> 00:35:36,641
This is big, Billy.
813
00:35:36,642 --> 00:35:38,518
Yeah, it's not The Tonight Show,
814
00:35:38,519 --> 00:35:39,186
but if Dionne Warwick's doing it,
815
00:35:39,187 --> 00:35:41,521
it's got to mean something.
816
00:35:41,522 --> 00:35:44,023
That's all Dad's been talking
about the whole trip...
817
00:35:44,024 --> 00:35:45,942
Dionne Warwick.
818
00:35:45,943 --> 00:35:47,694
She's a fine Negro singer, much
better than the other one.
819
00:35:47,695 --> 00:35:50,530
I promised I would get her
autograph for your mom,
820
00:35:50,531 --> 00:35:51,531
who sends her love, obviously.
821
00:35:51,532 --> 00:35:55,535
Yeah, uh, Cass, this is my dad, Warren,
822
00:35:55,536 --> 00:35:56,786
my sister, Susan.
823
00:35:56,787 --> 00:35:58,580
Hi, nice...
Nice to meet you both.
824
00:35:58,581 --> 00:36:00,039
Nice to finally meet you.
825
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:01,791
Bill goes on and on
about you constantly.
826
00:36:01,792 --> 00:36:03,835
Is that so?
827
00:36:03,836 --> 00:36:05,628
It's not constantly.
828
00:36:05,629 --> 00:36:06,838
Bill...
829
00:36:06,839 --> 00:36:09,007
where are you manners?
830
00:36:09,008 --> 00:36:10,049
Uh, right, this is Sparky.
831
00:36:10,050 --> 00:36:12,260
And, uh, my dad brought
him, even though I told him
832
00:36:12,261 --> 00:36:14,053
my apartment doesn't allow pets.
833
00:36:14,054 --> 00:36:15,722
Well, hell, what, you didn't think
834
00:36:15,723 --> 00:36:17,056
he would come to Hollywood
to see his big-shot brother
835
00:36:17,057 --> 00:36:18,975
going up on the doodad show?
836
00:36:18,976 --> 00:36:21,352
He's not my brother.
837
00:36:21,353 --> 00:36:23,646
And it's, uh, Midnight Special.
838
00:36:23,647 --> 00:36:25,064
It's not the doodad show.
839
00:36:25,065 --> 00:36:26,900
Well, I actually just
wanted to come and say hi.
840
00:36:26,901 --> 00:36:29,235
But I got to get to Goldie's.
841
00:36:29,236 --> 00:36:31,029
You're leaving? I ordered
Chinese food for us.
842
00:36:31,030 --> 00:36:32,906
I know, but I'm going up tonight,
843
00:36:32,907 --> 00:36:35,450
and, you know, I got my three
pairs of jeans to go through...
844
00:36:35,451 --> 00:36:37,911
faded, really faded, and
practically obscene.
845
00:36:37,912 --> 00:36:40,872
Goldie's is the comedy
club where Bill practices.
846
00:36:40,873 --> 00:36:41,915
Performs.
847
00:36:41,916 --> 00:36:44,959
You a waitress, sweetie?
848
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,045
I'm a comedian.
849
00:36:47,046 --> 00:36:48,087
Oh, I-I thought you were his girlfriend.
850
00:36:48,088 --> 00:36:51,424
She is. She's both.
851
00:36:51,425 --> 00:36:53,927
Well, can we come see you?
852
00:36:53,928 --> 00:36:55,428
I'm not on till really late.
853
00:36:55,429 --> 00:36:57,430
I don't... I don't get
the good time slots yet.
854
00:36:57,431 --> 00:36:59,432
I'm... I'm still working my
way up to where Bill is.
855
00:36:59,433 --> 00:37:01,392
Hmm. You sure that's the direction?
856
00:37:01,393 --> 00:37:03,603
Just busting
your grapes, Billy.
857
00:37:03,604 --> 00:37:06,606
Anyhow, it was
very nice to meet you both.
858
00:37:06,607 --> 00:37:07,982
Yeah, and we'll see you at the show...
859
00:37:07,983 --> 00:37:09,108
Bill's show, I mean.
860
00:37:09,109 --> 00:37:11,903
Yeah, the doodad show.
861
00:37:11,904 --> 00:37:13,571
Definitely.
862
00:37:13,572 --> 00:37:14,740
Bye.
863
00:37:18,452 --> 00:37:20,995
She seems like
a really sweet girl.
864
00:37:20,996 --> 00:37:24,333
I never had a Jew.
865
00:37:30,965 --> 00:37:34,467
Now, who wants to participate
in our Big Deal of the Day?
866
00:37:34,468 --> 00:37:36,845
Where you can trade in an earlier deal
867
00:37:36,846 --> 00:37:39,347
for a chance at a really big prize.
868
00:37:39,348 --> 00:37:40,849
Me! Me, Monty, me and Eddie!
869
00:37:40,850 --> 00:37:42,308
No, we're good! We're good, Monty!
870
00:37:42,309 --> 00:37:44,686
Hey, you, scarecrow, listen to me.
871
00:37:44,687 --> 00:37:46,145
We need to quit while we're ahead.
872
00:37:46,146 --> 00:37:47,146
We have a billiard table already.
873
00:37:47,147 --> 00:37:48,940
Let's just sell it and eat.
874
00:37:48,941 --> 00:37:50,316
Jeez, would you stop being such a pussy?
875
00:37:50,317 --> 00:37:52,986
I'm not being a pussy! I'm just...
876
00:37:52,987 --> 00:37:53,863
Why take the risk?
877
00:37:53,864 --> 00:37:56,406
Are you serious?
878
00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:58,157
We're out here because
we're taking a risk.
879
00:37:58,158 --> 00:38:00,368
I mean, every morning we get
up, everything we do...
880
00:38:00,369 --> 00:38:02,537
moving here was a fucking risk.
881
00:38:02,538 --> 00:38:04,330
I think that's a yes.
882
00:38:04,331 --> 00:38:06,291
You're right. Fuck it.
883
00:38:06,292 --> 00:38:09,043
Monty! Over here! Caw! Caw!
884
00:38:09,044 --> 00:38:10,336
Don't caw. You're a flower.
885
00:38:10,337 --> 00:38:11,796
You sound like a fucking idiot.
886
00:38:11,797 --> 00:38:13,339
She wants door number three.
887
00:38:13,340 --> 00:38:13,966
Let's see what's behind
door number three.
888
00:38:16,343 --> 00:38:17,552
A new car!
889
00:38:17,553 --> 00:38:20,013
Ride in style to
your next poker game
890
00:38:20,014 --> 00:38:23,182
in a brand-new Cadillac.
891
00:38:23,183 --> 00:38:24,601
This El Dorado's loaded
with all of Cadillac's
892
00:38:24,602 --> 00:38:28,855
famous power accessories,
plus air conditioning...
893
00:38:28,856 --> 00:38:30,523
the ultimate in luxury
894
00:38:30,524 --> 00:38:32,442
from Casa de Cadillac in
Sherman Oaks, California,
895
00:38:32,443 --> 00:38:33,819
with tax and license included.
896
00:38:33,820 --> 00:38:35,028
It sells for
897
00:38:35,029 --> 00:38:38,364
$10,413.
898
00:38:38,365 --> 00:38:40,867
Are you fucking kidding me?
899
00:38:42,369 --> 00:38:44,162
Monty! Over here, Monty!
900
00:38:44,163 --> 00:38:45,705
Pick us! Pick us!
901
00:38:45,706 --> 00:38:47,332
- Monty, we're ready.
- Pick us, Monty!
902
00:38:47,333 --> 00:38:48,250
- He loves us... Monty.
- I know, I see him, I see him.
903
00:38:48,251 --> 00:38:51,961
Ron and Eddie, Ron and Eddie.
904
00:38:51,962 --> 00:38:53,880
You guys have a billiard table worth
905
00:38:53,881 --> 00:38:57,842
$1,895.
906
00:39:00,095 --> 00:39:03,056
Which door do you choose?
907
00:39:03,057 --> 00:39:05,141
Two! Two!
908
00:39:05,142 --> 00:39:08,728
We want door number one.
909
00:39:08,729 --> 00:39:10,146
Okay, door number one...
let's see what's behind it.
910
00:39:12,483 --> 00:39:14,776
Oh.
911
00:39:14,777 --> 00:39:16,653
That's what happens when
you gamble at pool.
912
00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:19,739
Hey, guys,
your ride home is here.
913
00:39:21,325 --> 00:39:22,408
Say, Jay, just so they don't
go home empty-handed,
914
00:39:22,409 --> 00:39:24,744
what else do we have for them?
915
00:39:24,745 --> 00:39:28,539
Hee-haw, it's a year's
supply of Rice-A-Roni,
916
00:39:28,540 --> 00:39:31,125
the one you saut? and simmer
to flavor perfection.
917
00:39:31,126 --> 00:39:34,420
The San Francisco Treat!
918
00:39:34,421 --> 00:39:35,588
Yes.
919
00:39:35,589 --> 00:39:37,090
Yes! Yes! Yes!
920
00:39:37,091 --> 00:39:37,758
Yes!
921
00:39:40,928 --> 00:39:42,929
We did it.
922
00:39:42,930 --> 00:39:44,263
I love having kids.
923
00:39:44,264 --> 00:39:46,015
Best part about being a dad,
924
00:39:46,016 --> 00:39:48,184
I only have to see them
every other weekend.
925
00:39:48,185 --> 00:39:50,937
My wife's new husband...
he's great.
926
00:39:50,938 --> 00:39:52,271
He even taught me how
to throw a football.
927
00:39:52,272 --> 00:39:54,857
You guys are a hot crowd,
928
00:39:54,858 --> 00:39:55,858
not like my ex-wife...
929
00:39:55,859 --> 00:39:59,612
cold, drunk, and out
at two in the morning.
930
00:39:59,613 --> 00:40:01,155
Hey.
931
00:40:01,156 --> 00:40:02,573
Hey, what are you doing here? It's late.
932
00:40:02,574 --> 00:40:05,118
Can't a guy support his girlfriend?
933
00:40:05,119 --> 00:40:08,121
Um, that's sweet, but...
934
00:40:08,122 --> 00:40:10,331
please go home.
935
00:40:10,332 --> 00:40:12,458
Do we have a problem?
936
00:40:12,459 --> 00:40:14,627
Problem? Why would we have a problem?
937
00:40:14,628 --> 00:40:16,462
My father and my sister show up,
938
00:40:16,463 --> 00:40:18,256
and you couldn't get out
of there fast enough.
939
00:40:18,257 --> 00:40:20,216
No, I just... I was going up tonight,
940
00:40:20,217 --> 00:40:21,176
and I just needed time to prepare.
941
00:40:21,177 --> 00:40:24,220
You needed five hours?
942
00:40:24,221 --> 00:40:25,638
You'd flip if I pulled this shit on you
943
00:40:25,639 --> 00:40:28,307
right before you were gonna go on.
944
00:40:28,308 --> 00:40:30,309
Have you seen this crowd?
945
00:40:30,310 --> 00:40:31,978
This crowd is no different
than any other crowd.
946
00:40:31,979 --> 00:40:34,439
- They're not even listening.
- So make them listen.
947
00:40:36,191 --> 00:40:38,693
You know, you're being kind
of an asshole right now.
948
00:40:38,694 --> 00:40:40,486
You haven't played 2 a.
m. in a long time,
949
00:40:40,487 --> 00:40:42,488
and sometimes it's just a sucky crowd.
950
00:40:42,489 --> 00:40:44,157
Then give me five of your minutes,
951
00:40:44,158 --> 00:40:45,199
and I'll turn 'em around.
952
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:47,785
Is this a test?
953
00:40:47,786 --> 00:40:48,828
A test?
954
00:40:48,829 --> 00:40:49,912
Yeah. Are you testing me?
955
00:40:49,913 --> 00:40:53,041
Yeah, I am. I'm being a
dedicated boyfriend, okay?
956
00:40:53,042 --> 00:40:53,959
And... and unlike you as a girlfriend,
957
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:56,169
I think I'm passing with flying colors.
958
00:40:56,170 --> 00:40:58,337
Well, I guess that depends
on what your definition is.
959
00:40:58,338 --> 00:41:00,131
And what's your definition, Cass...
960
00:41:00,132 --> 00:41:01,174
carrying a torch for a dead guy?
961
00:41:01,175 --> 00:41:04,010
All right. Up next...
962
00:41:05,220 --> 00:41:06,596
Who we got? Um...
963
00:41:06,597 --> 00:41:09,182
They asleep back there? Who's next?
964
00:41:09,183 --> 00:41:11,476
Cassie?
965
00:41:11,477 --> 00:41:12,977
I can't believe you would do this to me
966
00:41:12,978 --> 00:41:14,187
right before I fucking go on.
967
00:41:14,188 --> 00:41:14,855
If you can't handle it,
968
00:41:14,856 --> 00:41:16,814
I'll warm 'em up for you.
969
00:41:16,815 --> 00:41:17,691
No, I don't need you to do that.
970
00:41:17,692 --> 00:41:19,942
Bill, I don't need you to do that.
971
00:41:19,943 --> 00:41:23,196
Oh, all right, we got
a last-minute substitution.
972
00:41:23,197 --> 00:41:25,031
Uh, he's a regular on The Main Stage,
973
00:41:25,032 --> 00:41:26,991
you're gonna see him on
Midnight Special very soon.
974
00:41:26,992 --> 00:41:28,367
My man, Mr. Bill Hobbs!
975
00:41:33,165 --> 00:41:35,291
All right. Good morning.
976
00:41:35,292 --> 00:41:37,627
Wow, what are the odds of an
entire front row of people
977
00:41:37,628 --> 00:41:40,671
who all had their dogs put
down on the same day, huh?
978
00:41:42,382 --> 00:41:44,050
Uh, I'm not married. Don't
like the idea of marriage.
979
00:41:44,051 --> 00:41:46,719
The whole anniversary gifts
is a real turnoff to me.
980
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,179
You know, first year, paper.
Second year, cotton.
981
00:41:48,180 --> 00:41:49,555
Third year, leather.
982
00:41:49,556 --> 00:41:50,890
Sounds like a suicide kit, doesn't it?
983
00:41:50,891 --> 00:41:55,937
You know, it's...
984
00:41:55,938 --> 00:41:57,063
The paper to write the
suicide note with, you know?
985
00:41:57,064 --> 00:41:59,732
Like, "Oh, thanks for the
cotton last year, babe,
986
00:41:59,733 --> 00:42:01,692
and now the, uh, belt
to hang myself with."
987
00:42:03,445 --> 00:42:04,321
I feel like we should
amend that list, you know.
988
00:42:04,322 --> 00:42:05,905
It needs to be updated.
989
00:42:05,906 --> 00:42:08,157
It's one of those things
where it's, uh...
990
00:42:08,158 --> 00:42:09,492
That company
is gonna fall apart.
991
00:42:09,493 --> 00:42:10,369
a new... uh-uh, hey. Excuse me?
992
00:42:10,370 --> 00:42:12,245
Hi. Yeah, you, talking.
993
00:42:12,246 --> 00:42:13,579
I'm... I'm talking to you.
994
00:42:13,580 --> 00:42:15,498
Uh, who else would I be talking to?
995
00:42:15,499 --> 00:42:17,792
Um, I'm up here working,
996
00:42:17,793 --> 00:42:19,085
so if you don't mind
shutting the fuck up...
997
00:42:19,086 --> 00:42:20,461
Whoa!
998
00:42:20,462 --> 00:42:21,671
I'd be, uh, forever grateful.
999
00:42:21,672 --> 00:42:24,090
- Thank you.
- Just ignore me, okay?
1000
00:42:24,091 --> 00:42:27,468
Uh, ignoring you is probably
easy for everyone in your life,
1001
00:42:27,469 --> 00:42:30,263
but, uh, this is my job.
1002
00:42:30,264 --> 00:42:32,014
So I'm up here, doing my job,
1003
00:42:32,015 --> 00:42:33,516
my job is to stand here, talking,
1004
00:42:33,517 --> 00:42:35,935
and yours is to sit
with your mouth shut,
1005
00:42:35,936 --> 00:42:37,145
listening, okay?
1006
00:42:37,146 --> 00:42:39,021
Be nice. We got laid off today.
1007
00:42:39,022 --> 00:42:40,773
You got laid today?
1008
00:42:40,774 --> 00:42:42,358
Judging by the expression on
your face, it wasn't that good.
1009
00:42:42,359 --> 00:42:44,944
Our whole department got laid off today.
1010
00:42:44,945 --> 00:42:46,529
Oh, really?
1011
00:42:46,530 --> 00:42:48,114
Then why the fuck did you
come to a comedy show?
1012
00:42:48,115 --> 00:42:49,949
Huh?
1013
00:42:49,950 --> 00:42:51,784
Oh, Jesus, lady, you think
just 'cause your life is shit,
1014
00:42:51,785 --> 00:42:53,452
you need to come here
and share the wealth?
1015
00:42:53,453 --> 00:42:54,912
You know how fucking hard this is?
1016
00:42:54,913 --> 00:42:56,455
No, you have no idea
1017
00:42:56,456 --> 00:42:58,291
what it's like to put
yourself out there.
1018
00:42:58,292 --> 00:43:00,501
I'm... I'm sure it's a lot harder
than whatever widget factory
1019
00:43:00,502 --> 00:43:02,253
you and the traveling mausoleum
got shit-canned from today.
1020
00:43:02,254 --> 00:43:03,421
Oh, great. Okay.
1021
00:43:03,422 --> 00:43:05,214
- Okay.
- Thanks.
1022
00:43:05,215 --> 00:43:06,382
Oh, oh, you taking off?
Now you gonna leave, huh?
1023
00:43:06,383 --> 00:43:09,302
Fuck off. Go.
1024
00:43:09,303 --> 00:43:11,470
Unemployment office isn't open
for another couple hours, girls.
1025
00:43:11,471 --> 00:43:13,222
You're an asshole.
1026
00:43:13,223 --> 00:43:15,099
Yeah, I am an asshole. Don't
ever fucking come back.
1027
00:43:18,187 --> 00:43:19,146
Fuck it.
1028
00:43:21,315 --> 00:43:23,900
Everybody, Bill Hobbs!
1029
00:43:23,901 --> 00:43:28,322
Keynote speaker at
the next feminist convention.
1030
00:43:41,501 --> 00:43:43,169
Hello?
1031
00:43:43,170 --> 00:43:45,296
Had a colleague
at your club last night,
1032
00:43:45,297 --> 00:43:47,465
said your Hobbs guy put on quite a show.
1033
00:43:47,466 --> 00:43:50,218
Ugly, with a capital U.
1034
00:43:50,219 --> 00:43:53,679
Well, I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.
1035
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:54,514
We're dropping your boy.
1036
00:43:54,515 --> 00:43:56,891
Dropping him?
1037
00:43:56,892 --> 00:43:57,559
Well, that's fucking insane.
1038
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:00,603
He wasn't even scheduled.
1039
00:44:00,604 --> 00:44:02,396
We just want to wait a bit.
1040
00:44:02,397 --> 00:44:04,065
We'll revisit the situation
in a couple of months.
1041
00:44:04,066 --> 00:44:07,276
Art, I give you my word, Bill's a pro.
1042
00:44:08,654 --> 00:44:11,405
Comics go off on people all the time.
1043
00:44:11,406 --> 00:44:13,532
Maybe he had too much to drink, huh?
1044
00:44:13,533 --> 00:44:16,202
According to my guy,
he didn't just go off.
1045
00:44:16,203 --> 00:44:17,453
He went ballistic.
1046
00:44:17,454 --> 00:44:19,538
Look, we already got Robert Klein.
1047
00:44:19,539 --> 00:44:22,375
Let's talk in a couple of months.
1048
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:28,714
What, I-I'm an
idiot all of a sudden?
1049
00:44:28,715 --> 00:44:30,341
I don't know my own kids?
1050
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:33,844
Did I tell you I gave up coffee?
1051
00:44:33,845 --> 00:44:37,473
The caffeine... made me anxious,
1052
00:44:37,474 --> 00:44:39,100
made me say things in a way that was,
1053
00:44:39,101 --> 00:44:42,728
let's just say, not as I'd intentioned.
1054
00:44:42,729 --> 00:44:45,356
Ended up burning a lot of bridges.
1055
00:44:45,357 --> 00:44:46,316
Not me.
1056
00:44:46,317 --> 00:44:48,985
I love my coffee.
1057
00:44:48,986 --> 00:44:50,403
But you go ahead...
1058
00:44:50,404 --> 00:44:52,571
you enjoy your fucking tea.
1059
00:45:08,797 --> 00:45:10,506
Hello?
1060
00:45:10,507 --> 00:45:12,050
Hey, Goldie, what's up?
1061
00:45:38,118 --> 00:45:38,910
I picked up your suit
1062
00:45:38,911 --> 00:45:43,081
because that's what girlfriends do.
1063
00:45:45,959 --> 00:45:47,460
Someone was there from Midnight Special
1064
00:45:47,461 --> 00:45:50,629
when I...
1065
00:45:50,630 --> 00:45:54,050
And, uh, I'm not...
1066
00:45:54,051 --> 00:45:57,470
They cancelled.
1067
00:45:57,471 --> 00:45:59,097
Is that Carrie?
1068
00:46:02,476 --> 00:46:04,895
Well, is she coming in or not?
1069
00:46:06,605 --> 00:46:08,647
Um, I'm... Thank you, Mr. Hobbs, but...
1070
00:46:08,648 --> 00:46:10,901
She can't stay, Dad.
1071
00:46:16,448 --> 00:46:19,450
Did this just happen?
1072
00:46:19,451 --> 00:46:21,745
Yeah, Goldie just hung up.
1073
00:46:25,832 --> 00:46:30,378
I'll call you later tonight, okay?
1074
00:46:30,379 --> 00:46:31,713
Okay.
1075
00:46:40,389 --> 00:46:43,182
You're okay, right?
1076
00:46:43,183 --> 00:46:43,683
Yeah.
1077
00:46:43,684 --> 00:46:46,353
Thanks for...
1078
00:46:57,489 --> 00:46:59,074
Now what'd you do?
1079
00:47:13,672 --> 00:47:15,381
The paint's looking good.
1080
00:47:15,382 --> 00:47:18,426
Oh. Thanks.
1081
00:47:18,427 --> 00:47:20,178
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
1082
00:47:22,389 --> 00:47:24,432
Can I ask you a question?
1083
00:47:24,433 --> 00:47:27,893
Sure.
1084
00:47:27,894 --> 00:47:29,146
How are you at putting up shelves?
1085
00:47:33,066 --> 00:47:34,650
Fine.
1086
00:47:34,651 --> 00:47:35,610
'Cause I'm thinking
about putting some up
1087
00:47:35,611 --> 00:47:39,738
where the bureau was...
1088
00:47:39,739 --> 00:47:41,574
making this into an office.
1089
00:47:41,575 --> 00:47:42,575
I don't have one up here.
1090
00:47:42,576 --> 00:47:44,577
I do all my work at the
dining-room table.
1091
00:47:44,578 --> 00:47:45,911
I got four bedrooms.
1092
00:47:45,912 --> 00:47:48,330
It's crazy, huh?
1093
00:47:48,331 --> 00:47:49,832
Yeah.
1094
00:47:49,833 --> 00:47:52,668
Yeah.
1095
00:47:52,669 --> 00:47:53,836
So your... your daughter's gonna sleep
1096
00:47:53,837 --> 00:47:57,590
in one of the other rooms?
1097
00:47:57,591 --> 00:48:00,509
My daughter.
1098
00:48:00,510 --> 00:48:03,888
My daughter took off six months ago.
1099
00:48:03,889 --> 00:48:07,600
Van pulled up, some
droopy-eyed stoner got out.
1100
00:48:07,601 --> 00:48:10,686
She shoved everything that
mattered into a pink suitcase
1101
00:48:10,687 --> 00:48:12,104
I bought for her when we went on a trip
1102
00:48:12,105 --> 00:48:16,108
to the Grand Canyon when she was six.
1103
00:48:16,109 --> 00:48:18,402
And that, as they say, was that.
1104
00:48:21,740 --> 00:48:24,366
- Did she call or...?
- No.
1105
00:48:26,786 --> 00:48:28,287
I was on my own when I was 17,
1106
00:48:28,288 --> 00:48:31,207
so same difference, I suppose.
1107
00:48:31,208 --> 00:48:34,585
I mean, clearly, she can
come home if she wants.
1108
00:48:34,586 --> 00:48:37,005
Clearly, she doesn't want.
1109
00:48:38,715 --> 00:48:41,175
Yeah, you love 'em, you feed 'em,
1110
00:48:41,176 --> 00:48:45,513
try to protect 'em...
mostly from themselves.
1111
00:48:45,514 --> 00:48:48,599
At least that's what you tell yourself.
1112
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:51,269
Ah, well, world keeps spinning, right?
1113
00:48:52,687 --> 00:48:55,732
You miss her?
1114
00:48:57,692 --> 00:49:00,028
Uh... uh, I'm sorry.
1115
00:49:08,828 --> 00:49:11,580
She wore these slippers.
1116
00:49:11,581 --> 00:49:16,001
They made this sound when she walked...
1117
00:49:16,002 --> 00:49:20,506
like someone sanding wood.
1118
00:49:20,507 --> 00:49:21,674
I miss that...
1119
00:49:21,675 --> 00:49:25,678
that sound.
1120
00:49:25,679 --> 00:49:29,139
I didn't need to talk. I
didn't need to see her.
1121
00:49:29,140 --> 00:49:32,685
That sound, that... that was enough.
1122
00:49:32,686 --> 00:49:36,231
The shelves are in the garage.
1123
00:49:46,908 --> 00:49:49,702
It's not your fault.
1124
00:49:49,703 --> 00:49:53,414
You know that, right?
1125
00:49:53,415 --> 00:49:57,084
It's just, it's... it's
some kind of Hobbs curse.
1126
00:50:06,720 --> 00:50:09,638
Your grandfather was, um...
1127
00:50:09,639 --> 00:50:13,225
a cobbler, right?
1128
00:50:13,226 --> 00:50:13,935
And he made
1129
00:50:13,936 --> 00:50:16,645
the most beautiful men's shoes.
1130
00:50:17,731 --> 00:50:22,651
He saved up the money and
opened up his own shop.
1131
00:50:22,652 --> 00:50:25,529
And then the Depression hits.
1132
00:50:26,906 --> 00:50:30,492
Oh, people don't need fancy shoes.
1133
00:50:30,493 --> 00:50:32,620
They need a piece of bread,
1134
00:50:32,621 --> 00:50:36,373
a bowl of soup.
1135
00:50:36,374 --> 00:50:38,917
It's not his fault.
1136
00:50:38,918 --> 00:50:42,963
He died working for some bum
1137
00:50:42,964 --> 00:50:45,216
who treated him like dirt.
1138
00:50:48,136 --> 00:50:52,181
He worked until he was almost 70.
1139
00:50:52,182 --> 00:50:55,601
This guy yelling at him like...
1140
00:50:55,602 --> 00:50:59,314
like he was some teenager
working there after school.
1141
00:51:00,899 --> 00:51:02,775
The man fought in the
Battle of Belleau Wood,
1142
00:51:02,776 --> 00:51:07,780
for Christ's sake.
1143
00:51:07,781 --> 00:51:09,698
And me...
1144
00:51:09,699 --> 00:51:12,201
It's Jap cars cutting into Detroit...
1145
00:51:12,202 --> 00:51:13,619
ten years from my retirement.
1146
00:51:13,620 --> 00:51:17,623
Fuck.
1147
00:51:17,624 --> 00:51:21,211
God's got it out for the
Hobbs, that's all I know.
1148
00:51:23,838 --> 00:51:25,798
Your grandfather
1149
00:51:25,799 --> 00:51:29,802
compared us Hobbs to cavemen
throwing rocks at the moon,
1150
00:51:29,803 --> 00:51:34,640
trying to knock it out of the sky.
1151
00:51:34,641 --> 00:51:39,687
So try to think of it
as some sort of a...
1152
00:51:39,688 --> 00:51:43,023
rite of passage...
1153
00:51:43,024 --> 00:51:46,777
'cause you never stood a chance, son.
1154
00:51:46,778 --> 00:51:48,821
Just throwing rocks at the moon,
1155
00:51:48,822 --> 00:51:52,575
like the rest of us.
1156
00:51:58,832 --> 00:51:59,998
- Edgar.
- Hmm?
1157
00:51:59,999 --> 00:52:02,501
This guy look familiar to you?
1158
00:52:02,502 --> 00:52:05,754
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh,
it's your dad, right?
1159
00:52:05,755 --> 00:52:08,048
He admitted that you told
him to shit in my car.
1160
00:52:08,049 --> 00:52:10,342
Oh, my God, Edgar, what did you do?
1161
00:52:10,343 --> 00:52:13,303
I just fed a hungry man
Dinty Moore Beef Stew,
1162
00:52:13,304 --> 00:52:16,306
and what he did after
that was his business.
1163
00:52:16,307 --> 00:52:18,308
- Huh, literally.
- Right.
1164
00:52:23,523 --> 00:52:25,483
Oh, shit.
1165
00:52:27,402 --> 00:52:29,528
You have five seconds to bust my balls,
1166
00:52:29,529 --> 00:52:33,574
or I'm gonna kick the fuck out
of each and every one of you.
1167
00:52:33,575 --> 00:52:36,285
I think this just became
a Midnight After-school Special.
1168
00:52:36,286 --> 00:52:37,786
Uh, the only special Bill's
gonna be shooting on Thursday
1169
00:52:37,787 --> 00:52:40,164
is a .38.
1170
00:52:40,165 --> 00:52:41,790
I don't know what's rustier,
1171
00:52:41,791 --> 00:52:44,710
that suit, your pubes, or your act.
1172
00:52:44,711 --> 00:52:46,962
What do you got, old man?
1173
00:52:46,963 --> 00:52:48,547
You said there'd be
olives for me if I...
1174
00:52:48,548 --> 00:52:50,048
Come on, Dad, let's get you fed.
1175
00:52:50,049 --> 00:52:53,886
That was the best one.
1176
00:52:53,887 --> 00:52:56,221
Bill, I'm really sorry...
1177
00:52:56,222 --> 00:52:58,682
that you can't return that suit.
1178
00:52:58,683 --> 00:53:00,684
Oh.
1179
00:53:00,685 --> 00:53:03,187
You own it?
1180
00:53:03,188 --> 00:53:06,940
Got to love the comedian.
1181
00:53:06,941 --> 00:53:08,901
But to be honest, I was kind
of hoping for the girlfriend.
1182
00:53:22,248 --> 00:53:23,624
Well, the shelves are up,
1183
00:53:23,625 --> 00:53:26,335
and, um, all the painting is finished.
1184
00:53:26,336 --> 00:53:28,587
Thank you, Adam.
1185
00:53:28,588 --> 00:53:31,716
Come back tomorrow. I'll
have more work for you.
1186
00:53:39,641 --> 00:53:41,392
Goldie, why am I here?
1187
00:54:01,371 --> 00:54:04,582
speaking Yiddish
1188
00:54:08,795 --> 00:54:10,337
One morning,
1189
00:54:10,338 --> 00:54:13,924
while she was making their breakfast,
1190
00:54:13,925 --> 00:54:16,134
Yussel walked up to his wife, Hette,
1191
00:54:16,135 --> 00:54:18,136
and pinched her on the tuchus.
1192
00:54:18,137 --> 00:54:20,931
And he said, "You know,
1193
00:54:20,932 --> 00:54:22,307
if you firm this up,
1194
00:54:22,308 --> 00:54:24,476
we could get rid of your girdle."
1195
00:54:24,477 --> 00:54:29,314
Now, Hette thought this was
a terrible thing to say.
1196
00:54:29,315 --> 00:54:33,652
But she refrained from responding.
1197
00:54:33,653 --> 00:54:35,028
Next morning,
1198
00:54:35,029 --> 00:54:38,657
Yussel wakes Hette up by
squeezing her breast.
1199
00:54:38,658 --> 00:54:41,368
He says, "You know, if we firm these up,
1200
00:54:41,369 --> 00:54:43,954
you could get rid of your bra."
1201
00:54:43,955 --> 00:54:48,917
Now, Hette thought this
was unacceptable...
1202
00:54:48,918 --> 00:54:52,629
and had to respond this time.
1203
00:54:52,630 --> 00:54:53,839
So...
1204
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:56,008
she rolled over
1205
00:54:56,009 --> 00:54:57,175
and grabbed him by his dick,
1206
00:54:57,176 --> 00:55:00,470
and with a strong grip,
1207
00:55:00,471 --> 00:55:03,390
she said, "You know,
if you firm this up,
1208
00:55:03,391 --> 00:55:06,977
we could get rid of the postman,
the butcher, and your brother."
1209
00:55:18,282 --> 00:55:21,409
That is so fun...
1210
00:55:38,885 --> 00:55:39,968
Oh, shit.
1211
00:55:39,969 --> 00:55:41,553
Whew.
1212
00:55:41,554 --> 00:55:44,641
I'm still not... not sure
why I'm here, though.
1213
00:55:46,684 --> 00:55:50,270
I guess it's because you know
when to shut the fuck up.
1214
00:55:50,271 --> 00:55:53,899
speaking Yiddish
1215
00:56:00,156 --> 00:56:03,200
And now a guy who made
his national TV debut
1216
00:56:03,201 --> 00:56:05,786
this week, almost.
1217
00:56:05,787 --> 00:56:11,041
Let's get some pity applause for Mr.
Bill Hobbs.
1218
00:56:26,891 --> 00:56:29,768
I'm not married. I'm, uh, not
into the idea of marriage
1219
00:56:29,769 --> 00:56:32,270
I find the anniversary
gifts a real turnoff.
1220
00:56:32,271 --> 00:56:33,271
You know, first year, paper.
Second year, cotton.
1221
00:56:33,272 --> 00:56:34,648
Third year, leather.
1222
00:56:34,649 --> 00:56:38,235
Sounds like a suicide kit.
1223
00:56:38,236 --> 00:56:40,445
Paper to write the suicide
note with, you know.
1224
00:56:40,446 --> 00:56:42,280
"Thanks for the cotton last year, honey,
1225
00:56:42,281 --> 00:56:44,116
oh, and the belt this year
to hang myself with."
1226
00:56:45,785 --> 00:56:47,077
I feel like we should update this list
1227
00:56:47,078 --> 00:56:48,037
just a little bit, don't you?
1228
00:56:48,038 --> 00:56:50,914
Yeah, first year, peace.
Second year, quiet.
1229
00:56:52,291 --> 00:56:54,751
Third year, fix me up with your sister.
1230
00:56:55,212 --> 00:56:57,504
The cans on her.
1231
00:56:57,505 --> 00:57:00,132
I'm half Irish, half Italian.
1232
00:57:00,133 --> 00:57:02,050
You know, this is what happens
when a little Italian woman
1233
00:57:02,051 --> 00:57:02,969
wants to get back at her dad.
1234
00:57:04,178 --> 00:57:06,430
She goes, and she sleeps with
the biggest Mick in town.
1235
00:57:06,431 --> 00:57:10,142
And out pops a full-sized leprechaun.
1236
00:57:12,186 --> 00:57:15,021
Whoo!
1237
00:57:20,987 --> 00:57:23,781
Oh, fuck.
1238
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:29,996
Fuck.
1239
00:57:31,998 --> 00:57:34,166
Four?
1240
00:57:34,167 --> 00:57:36,169
Dinty Moore, four for a buck.
1241
00:57:39,088 --> 00:57:42,758
Peace?
1242
00:57:42,759 --> 00:57:44,010
Peace.
1243
00:57:47,139 --> 00:57:50,182
Want a ride home?
1244
00:57:50,183 --> 00:57:51,058
Yeah. Thanks, Sully.
1245
00:58:04,238 --> 00:58:06,198
Don't know the second verse.
1246
00:58:06,199 --> 00:58:07,532
- There's a second verse?
- Mm.
1247
00:58:07,533 --> 00:58:10,661
speaking Yiddish
1248
00:58:11,305 --> 00:58:17,290
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