subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Im Dying Up Here s01e01 Pilot.eng

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,368 --> 00:00:12,329 - sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:21,129 Well, but, we'll find out. 3 00:00:21,130 --> 00:00:24,090 Uh, uh, I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight. 4 00:00:24,091 --> 00:00:28,386 Uh, my next guest is a very funny comic, 5 00:00:28,387 --> 00:00:31,389 making his first Tonight Show appearance. 6 00:00:31,390 --> 00:00:32,557 He's a former Bostonian. 7 00:00:32,558 --> 00:00:36,853 Will you please give a warm welcome to Clay Appuzzo? 8 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:44,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 9 00:02:16,245 --> 00:02:17,828 Congratulations, ladies. 10 00:02:17,829 --> 00:02:19,914 Congrats, by the way. Big court win. 11 00:02:19,915 --> 00:02:21,541 Abortion is legal. 12 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:22,417 Yes. 13 00:02:22,418 --> 00:02:25,169 Clap for that. Clap for that, guys. 14 00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:27,338 That's a big win for us too. 15 00:02:27,339 --> 00:02:28,215 That's fantastic, man. 16 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:30,258 How pissed are back-alley abortionists? 17 00:02:30,259 --> 00:02:33,177 There goes six months of veterinary school 18 00:02:33,178 --> 00:02:34,345 right down the drain. 19 00:02:35,847 --> 00:02:37,348 My mom had six children. I'm one of six. 20 00:02:37,349 --> 00:02:40,393 And according to her, we were all accidents. 21 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:43,229 Six accidental pregnancies. 22 00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:44,897 We figured it out by now, haven't we? 23 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,983 This whole penis-vagina conundrum, right? 24 00:02:46,984 --> 00:02:49,735 It's not the Manhattan Project. 25 00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,821 Not a bunch of scientists standing around a baby 26 00:02:51,822 --> 00:02:54,156 in a room going, well, I-I don't know how this got here. 27 00:02:54,157 --> 00:02:56,534 I'm not quite sure I understand. 28 00:02:56,535 --> 00:02:58,202 Yes, Professor Einstein? 29 00:02:58,203 --> 00:03:00,329 Um, yeah, I just... I have... 30 00:03:00,330 --> 00:03:02,290 I just have a hunch, if you will. 31 00:03:02,291 --> 00:03:04,959 Maybe, perhaps, the babies are coming from the fucking? 32 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,711 Do you think it's from the fucking? 33 00:03:06,712 --> 00:03:08,879 That's just my opinion. 34 00:03:16,013 --> 00:03:19,265 Watch out. I got my eye on you. 35 00:03:23,687 --> 00:03:25,104 Yes. 36 00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,897 Tastes like tens and twenties. 37 00:03:26,898 --> 00:03:29,525 Hey, Rob. 38 00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:30,818 Hey, Goldie. 39 00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,279 So you killed it at the Store last night. 40 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,114 You know, I-I wanted to be here, 41 00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:36,574 but, you know, the only open spot 42 00:03:36,575 --> 00:03:37,950 wasn't until after one. 43 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,536 Well, a lot of good comics go up after one. 44 00:03:40,537 --> 00:03:41,954 Oh, I agree. I just, you know, 45 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:42,914 I have to be up at work at seven. 46 00:03:42,915 --> 00:03:45,082 Totally understand. 47 00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:45,876 I just don't give a shit. 48 00:03:48,587 --> 00:03:50,671 Uh, okay, Goldie, well, it's just one fucking night, right? 49 00:03:50,672 --> 00:03:53,090 Caught my ex getting a blow job in our office. 50 00:03:53,091 --> 00:03:54,759 Took a fountain pen and stuck it through his hand. 51 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,469 That was one fucking night too. 52 00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:59,430 Okay. 53 00:04:04,519 --> 00:04:04,936 Goldie. 54 00:04:04,937 --> 00:04:06,604 What the... 55 00:04:06,605 --> 00:04:08,230 Rob, uh, he made a mistake. 56 00:04:08,231 --> 00:04:11,859 And although I find the punishment harsh, 57 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,027 I do find it just. 58 00:04:13,028 --> 00:04:14,570 Can I have his five minutes, please? 59 00:04:17,199 --> 00:04:18,866 What's up, Carl? 60 00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:20,451 People sitting in my booth's what's up. 61 00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:22,119 Fuck. 62 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,954 Can I sit you somewhere else, please, just for tonight? 63 00:04:23,955 --> 00:04:24,915 You know who I'm bringing here tonight? 64 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:26,082 - Charlie... - Callas. 65 00:04:26,083 --> 00:04:28,376 Yeah, that's right, smart guy. 66 00:04:28,377 --> 00:04:29,710 You're gonna tell an American treasure 67 00:04:29,711 --> 00:04:31,253 he's gotta sit in the back? 68 00:04:31,254 --> 00:04:32,797 All right. 69 00:04:32,798 --> 00:04:34,173 Yeah, that's been my booth since the joint opened. 70 00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:35,633 Should fuckin' know better. 71 00:04:35,634 --> 00:04:36,676 Prick. 72 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:38,386 Hi. 73 00:04:38,387 --> 00:04:40,429 How 'bout some free drinks? Does that sound good? 74 00:04:52,568 --> 00:04:54,985 Where the fuck are my onion rings? 75 00:04:54,986 --> 00:04:56,862 They're not drinking if they don't get their salt. 76 00:04:58,323 --> 00:05:00,658 Somebody call me when Clay goes up. 77 00:05:00,659 --> 00:05:02,952 Drunk dentist with a pair of fondue forks... 78 00:05:09,668 --> 00:05:11,335 Uh, what else? 79 00:05:11,336 --> 00:05:13,421 Oh, I got myself a pet rock. He's very sweet. 80 00:05:13,422 --> 00:05:15,423 He was a rescue. I rescued him off the street. 81 00:05:15,424 --> 00:05:18,259 He was a stray. 82 00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:19,719 Pet rocks are great. 83 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:20,595 He's very protective of me. 84 00:05:20,596 --> 00:05:22,596 I was not expecting that. It's funny. 85 00:05:22,597 --> 00:05:23,848 Anytime my boyfriend says something mean, 86 00:05:23,849 --> 00:05:27,518 he just jumps out of my hand and hurls himself at his head. 87 00:05:28,854 --> 00:05:30,104 Try to get him to stop, but he won't. 88 00:05:30,105 --> 00:05:30,939 Show us your tits! 89 00:05:30,940 --> 00:05:33,524 You first, sir. 90 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,695 Ladies and gentlemen, chivalry is not dead. 91 00:05:37,696 --> 00:05:39,071 Hey, why don't you suck my dick? 92 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,865 Oh, what a sweet invitation. 93 00:05:40,866 --> 00:05:42,408 I have not been asked out on a date in a long time. 94 00:05:44,828 --> 00:05:47,037 Oh, there's a bunch of y'all, huh? 95 00:05:47,038 --> 00:05:48,372 So what's the occasion? 96 00:05:48,373 --> 00:05:48,915 It's my bachelor party. 97 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,916 - Whoo! - Yeah. 98 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:52,501 Well, what are you doing in here? 99 00:05:52,502 --> 00:05:54,378 That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself. 100 00:05:56,715 --> 00:05:57,882 A man comes into my office. 101 00:05:57,883 --> 00:05:59,008 He says, can I use your Dictaphone? 102 00:05:59,009 --> 00:06:00,593 I say, no, you use your finger 103 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:01,635 like everybody else. 104 00:06:01,636 --> 00:06:04,889 Come on, you bastards, get off your high horses. 105 00:06:04,890 --> 00:06:06,182 Hey, Goldie, sit. 106 00:06:06,183 --> 00:06:07,558 Ah, that's a funny one. 107 00:06:07,559 --> 00:06:08,393 Adam Proteau. What do you think? 108 00:06:08,394 --> 00:06:10,519 I think I got more hair on my lip 109 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:11,729 than he does on his nuts. 110 00:06:11,730 --> 00:06:12,355 Can you stick him in The Cellar? 111 00:06:12,355 --> 00:06:13,148 Fleischer and Stephenson 112 00:06:13,149 --> 00:06:15,566 open mic'd for over a year. 113 00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:16,901 Trust me, if they'd spent a little more time and sweat 114 00:06:16,902 --> 00:06:19,111 building the Titanic, 115 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,654 the word would still just mean "big." 116 00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:21,573 Hey, Kay, 117 00:06:21,573 --> 00:06:22,532 another Rob Roy, neat 118 00:06:22,532 --> 00:06:23,074 for my friend Carl, huh? 119 00:06:23,075 --> 00:06:25,284 Hey, pal, nice shirt. 120 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,411 Who... who'd you blow, Don Ho, for that shirt? 121 00:06:30,749 --> 00:06:32,249 Yes. 122 00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:34,043 There you go. 123 00:06:34,044 --> 00:06:35,836 - Thank you, sir. - Thank you. 124 00:06:39,925 --> 00:06:41,509 Well, we'll... we'll find out. 125 00:06:41,510 --> 00:06:44,386 Uh, I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight. 126 00:06:44,387 --> 00:06:47,556 Uh, my next guest is a very funny comic, 127 00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:50,267 making his first Tonight Show appearance. 128 00:06:50,268 --> 00:06:52,937 Uh, he's a former Bostonian. 129 00:06:52,938 --> 00:06:56,190 Will you please give a warm welcome to Clay Appuzzo? 130 00:07:00,737 --> 00:07:01,613 Thank you. 131 00:07:01,614 --> 00:07:03,155 Everyone, I... look, 132 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,240 I just want to... I want to be clear. 133 00:07:04,241 --> 00:07:05,950 I'm not just a Bostonian. 134 00:07:05,951 --> 00:07:07,785 I'm an Italian Bostonian. 135 00:07:07,786 --> 00:07:10,454 We still talk with our hands, but we only use one finger. 136 00:07:12,082 --> 00:07:13,749 So I grew up with a lot of brothers and sisters. 137 00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:17,628 Italians used to have big families before television. 138 00:07:17,629 --> 00:07:19,880 But now they only have kids when there's nothing good on. 139 00:07:22,259 --> 00:07:23,801 But that's what they do, Italian parents. 140 00:07:23,802 --> 00:07:25,427 They send mixed messages. 141 00:07:25,428 --> 00:07:28,472 You mess up in school, Dad gives you the belt. 142 00:07:28,473 --> 00:07:31,100 But then two minutes later, Mom comes in with a bowl of pasta. 143 00:07:32,811 --> 00:07:34,562 So, I mean, that's how Italians love to do it. 144 00:07:34,563 --> 00:07:36,021 They like to follow their violence 145 00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,189 with a little something to eat, right? 146 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,483 So... 147 00:07:39,484 --> 00:07:41,902 May I suggest the Alfredo... 148 00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:43,070 With your beating? 149 00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:45,030 The cream sauce really soaks up the tears. 150 00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:45,991 Hey, you do know when Arnie flashes the light, 151 00:07:45,992 --> 00:07:48,117 that means to get the fuck off stage, right? 152 00:07:48,118 --> 00:07:50,327 I get off the stage when they stop fucking laughing. 153 00:07:50,328 --> 00:07:51,288 Uh, laughing, Ralph, is the noise that people make 154 00:07:51,289 --> 00:07:53,372 when they hear something funny. 155 00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:54,873 Shut the fuck up, Sully. 156 00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:55,372 - How's he doing? - He's killing. 157 00:07:55,373 --> 00:07:56,542 Great. 158 00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:57,835 "Great"? 159 00:07:57,836 --> 00:07:59,587 That's not your "great" face, Bill. 160 00:07:59,588 --> 00:08:01,088 That's the "why don't Johnny fuckin' love me" face. 161 00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:02,548 How did they not shoot you in 'Nam? 162 00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:03,882 There's nothing but bamboo 163 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:04,759 over there; what tree could you 164 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,760 have possibly fuckin' hid behind? 165 00:08:06,761 --> 00:08:07,637 Yeah, are black hippos sacred over there? 166 00:08:07,638 --> 00:08:09,680 - Shh, shh. - First of all, y'all saw 167 00:08:09,681 --> 00:08:10,931 the pictures, I was lean and mean in 'Nam. 168 00:08:10,932 --> 00:08:11,600 Charlie was terrified of me. 169 00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,934 Called me "The Black Beast." 170 00:08:13,935 --> 00:08:14,769 Black beast, that's what they call you at McDonald's. 171 00:08:14,770 --> 00:08:16,270 - Black beast. - Fuck you, Sully. 172 00:08:16,271 --> 00:08:17,855 Always talking shit. You know what? 173 00:08:17,856 --> 00:08:18,315 When the revolution come, motherfuckers, 174 00:08:18,315 --> 00:08:19,274 you on your own. 175 00:08:19,275 --> 00:08:21,025 Guys, I'm trying to hear Clay. 176 00:08:21,026 --> 00:08:22,359 Hear what? 177 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,028 His act is practically a sing-along. 178 00:08:24,029 --> 00:08:24,613 Bill, I love you like a raging yeast infection, 179 00:08:24,614 --> 00:08:25,946 but shut the fuck up. 180 00:08:25,947 --> 00:08:27,156 - Gross. - Mm. 181 00:08:27,157 --> 00:08:29,199 Come on over. 182 00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:32,453 Oh, my God! 183 00:08:32,454 --> 00:08:34,663 What? 184 00:08:34,664 --> 00:08:35,624 - Oh, my God. He got the couch. - Wow. 185 00:08:35,625 --> 00:08:38,250 Suddenly I don't feel so pretty anymore. 186 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,960 Holy shit! Holy shit! 187 00:08:39,961 --> 00:08:40,754 Whatever. 188 00:08:40,755 --> 00:08:43,213 Wow. 189 00:08:43,214 --> 00:08:44,298 Yeah, get your bitter ass out of here, Bill. 190 00:08:49,054 --> 00:08:51,889 Got the couch. 191 00:08:51,890 --> 00:08:53,891 That's all she wrote. 192 00:08:53,892 --> 00:08:56,393 I told Frank Johnny'd eat him up. 193 00:09:02,734 --> 00:09:04,443 How are you? 194 00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:05,320 Ah. 195 00:09:05,321 --> 00:09:06,820 He smells good. 196 00:09:06,821 --> 00:09:08,572 He always has. 197 00:09:08,573 --> 00:09:10,699 Don't get too close. You'll lose a finger. 198 00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:12,284 Very funny stuff. 199 00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,411 So you get back to Boston much? 200 00:09:14,412 --> 00:09:16,538 Well, I-I try to make it back for all the major funerals. 201 00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:18,248 Ah, uh-huh. 202 00:09:18,249 --> 00:09:20,125 Yeah, you can fly free when someone dies 203 00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:22,044 so I try to plan my vacations around my dying relatives. 204 00:09:23,588 --> 00:09:26,340 Oh, Uncle Sal's not doing so good, aye? 205 00:09:26,341 --> 00:09:28,425 Oh, well, that's... that's sad. That's very sad. 206 00:09:28,426 --> 00:09:30,719 Any chance he'll be, uh, hanging in there 207 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,137 till opening day at Fenway? 208 00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:58,414 What do you think happens when we die? 209 00:09:58,415 --> 00:10:00,541 Well, Cass, 210 00:10:00,542 --> 00:10:02,167 I don't really know. 211 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,253 Shut up. 212 00:10:04,254 --> 00:10:07,464 Don't make fun of my accent. I'm working on it. 213 00:10:07,465 --> 00:10:10,300 Oh. 214 00:10:10,301 --> 00:10:13,429 Well, I think it was Buddha that said it best. 215 00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:16,974 "You shit yourself. 216 00:10:16,975 --> 00:10:20,436 And then it's anybody's guess." 217 00:10:20,437 --> 00:10:23,522 You know, they say when you come you die a little bit. 218 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,190 Is that why you don't want to come anymore? 219 00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:28,152 You afraid of dying? 220 00:10:28,153 --> 00:10:30,279 Fear of death is, um, 221 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,656 not my issue. 222 00:10:32,657 --> 00:10:36,493 Fear of irrelevancy. 223 00:10:36,494 --> 00:10:39,830 Now, that scares the shit out of me. 224 00:10:39,831 --> 00:10:42,541 So what is it then? 225 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:45,210 Why don't you want to come with me anymore? 226 00:10:47,464 --> 00:10:50,758 You know who Edmund Hillary is? 227 00:10:50,759 --> 00:10:54,261 Are you fucking the guy who climbed Everest? 228 00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:02,686 He risked everything to reach the summit. 229 00:11:02,687 --> 00:11:04,521 And when he finally stood on top of the world, 230 00:11:04,522 --> 00:11:06,106 you know how long it was for? 231 00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:08,901 Mm-mm. 232 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,903 Fifteen minutes. 233 00:11:12,822 --> 00:11:14,865 All that excitement, 234 00:11:14,866 --> 00:11:17,451 anticipation, 235 00:11:17,452 --> 00:11:21,330 blood, tears, and excruciating pain... 236 00:11:22,624 --> 00:11:26,043 all of it for a measly 15 minutes. 237 00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:32,424 And on his way down, 238 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,718 he and Tenzing, his trusty Sherpa, 239 00:11:34,719 --> 00:11:36,678 celebrated with soup. 240 00:11:40,391 --> 00:11:43,185 It's the climb, Cass. 241 00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,488 It's all about the climb. 242 00:11:54,489 --> 00:11:56,990 I sure hope the soup was good. 243 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,541 All right, let's hear it for Cora, everybody. 244 00:12:47,542 --> 00:12:49,334 Huh, isn't she great? 245 00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,295 The lovely, sweet, talented Cora. 246 00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:52,172 Easy! 247 00:12:52,173 --> 00:12:54,006 Very special lady, that Cora. 248 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,299 What, do you got a fuckin' train to catch? 249 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,425 I should be counting my tips right now. 250 00:12:56,426 --> 00:12:58,218 Speaking of tips, uh, 251 00:12:58,219 --> 00:13:00,554 any chance of sliding mine into your mouth for a second? 252 00:13:00,555 --> 00:13:02,472 No. You got two minutes. 253 00:13:02,473 --> 00:13:05,142 By the way, a five-dollar discount on a hand job, 254 00:13:05,143 --> 00:13:06,852 kind of a shitty going-away present. 255 00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:07,812 All right, everybody. Time to go. 256 00:13:07,813 --> 00:13:10,147 Closing time. 257 00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:11,356 Your soul-crushing existences await you. 258 00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:13,775 Fuck you, Jew. 259 00:13:13,776 --> 00:13:17,905 Ah, "Jew." Such a versatile word. 260 00:13:17,906 --> 00:13:19,031 It's both a people and an insult. 261 00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:22,326 Tell me, pal, is there a Mrs. Drunken Shithead at home? 262 00:13:22,327 --> 00:13:24,036 How'd you like a fucking beating, huh? 263 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,829 Aren't you worried if you, uh, get blood on your knuckles 264 00:13:25,830 --> 00:13:27,581 your wife will think you're seeing another woman? 265 00:13:27,582 --> 00:13:28,749 Cocksucker. 266 00:13:28,750 --> 00:13:30,209 "Cocksucker." Another gem. 267 00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,668 Let me guess. Lit major? 268 00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:33,503 Or is this just a game where... where you and I 269 00:13:33,504 --> 00:13:35,297 blurt out hobbies you think your mother and I share? 270 00:13:35,298 --> 00:13:36,174 You're dead, asshole. 271 00:13:36,175 --> 00:13:38,217 I don't think so, you fucking hard-on. 272 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,093 Hey, Lou, you want to take care of this guy for me? 273 00:13:39,094 --> 00:13:41,053 - Lou? - No fucking Lou. 274 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,471 - Lou? - No Lou. 275 00:13:42,472 --> 00:13:43,431 Fuck me. 276 00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:44,390 I think Z's in trouble. 277 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,266 Would you focus, Carol? 278 00:13:46,267 --> 00:13:47,143 'Cause if I'm being honest, 279 00:13:47,144 --> 00:13:49,269 you're doing kind of a subpar job here. 280 00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:50,687 Okay, it's like I'm jerking off left-handed. 281 00:13:50,688 --> 00:13:52,147 Trust me, pal, you don't want to do this. 282 00:13:52,148 --> 00:13:53,523 - Okay, trust me. - Yeah, why the fuck not, huh? 283 00:13:53,524 --> 00:13:55,192 Full disclosure, I'm asthmatic. 284 00:13:55,193 --> 00:13:57,194 - I have asthma. - Shit, shit, shit. 285 00:13:57,195 --> 00:13:58,528 It's like hitting a guy with fucking glasses, it's cowardly. 286 00:13:58,529 --> 00:13:59,863 Plus, a fucking guy from Southie 287 00:13:59,864 --> 00:14:01,323 beating up a minority, 288 00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:02,449 it's not a lot of points for originality. 289 00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:03,034 Yeah? 290 00:14:07,538 --> 00:14:10,791 You're lucky that Carol's got palms like a fucking teamster. 291 00:14:10,792 --> 00:14:12,250 Come on, we gotta be at Logan in two hours. 292 00:14:14,045 --> 00:14:16,505 Thank you. You've been a great crowd. 293 00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:18,548 So, Cass, should we talk about the elephant in the room? 294 00:14:18,549 --> 00:14:20,050 - Not you, Ralphie. - Shut the fuck up. 295 00:14:20,051 --> 00:14:21,551 - That being? - Come on. 296 00:14:21,552 --> 00:14:22,761 It didn't singe your sissy a little 297 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:23,804 seeing your ex-boyfriend get the couch? 298 00:14:23,805 --> 00:14:25,472 Sorry, but I'm not ten. 299 00:14:25,473 --> 00:14:27,224 - Yeah, but you're human. - Exactly. 300 00:14:27,225 --> 00:14:29,351 Thus I can transcend pettiness 301 00:14:29,352 --> 00:14:30,394 and actually be happy for someone 302 00:14:30,395 --> 00:14:32,896 without it reflecting back on me and my career. 303 00:14:32,897 --> 00:14:33,648 Did she just say "thus"? 304 00:14:33,649 --> 00:14:34,690 Did she say "career"? 305 00:14:34,691 --> 00:14:37,567 Fuck you guys. 306 00:14:37,568 --> 00:14:39,027 You're full of shit. I'm jealous. 307 00:14:39,028 --> 00:14:40,570 I'm practically shitting blood sitting here 308 00:14:40,571 --> 00:14:41,989 thinking about it, and you should be too. 309 00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:42,573 Every other comic's success, 310 00:14:42,574 --> 00:14:44,866 every set he kills, 311 00:14:44,867 --> 00:14:46,159 every Merv, Johnny, 312 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,619 or Dinah-fucking-Shore appearance 313 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:48,413 another comic makes is one more 314 00:14:48,414 --> 00:14:49,496 that we didn't get. 315 00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:50,622 Every laugh should feel like 316 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,708 a sharp poke in your fucking eye. 317 00:14:52,709 --> 00:14:55,877 If it doesn't, get the fuck out. 318 00:14:55,878 --> 00:14:57,463 'Cause you don't care enough. 319 00:15:03,261 --> 00:15:04,261 There it is. 320 00:15:04,262 --> 00:15:06,263 - You know what? - Fantastic. 321 00:15:06,264 --> 00:15:09,016 That's a motherfucking two-thirty in the morning 322 00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:09,726 pancake speech right there. 323 00:15:09,727 --> 00:15:11,059 Fuck you. And fuck you. 324 00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:13,437 Oh, man, if you were queer, I would just 325 00:15:13,438 --> 00:15:14,730 suck your dick right now. So beautiful. 326 00:15:14,731 --> 00:15:16,815 You know what? I'll do it. 327 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,025 - Uh-uh, uh-uh. - Let me in there. 328 00:15:18,026 --> 00:15:19,359 - I'm going in. - Get that dick. 329 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,360 Oh! 330 00:15:20,361 --> 00:15:22,446 Can I just enjoy my plate of latkes one night 331 00:15:22,447 --> 00:15:24,322 without you two pretending to blow each other? 332 00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,615 - Waitress! - Get the check! 333 00:15:25,616 --> 00:15:27,451 Check! Hurry the fuck up, check! 334 00:15:27,452 --> 00:15:28,785 Why you gotta make this ugly? 335 00:16:35,686 --> 00:16:38,230 Call an ambulance. 336 00:17:05,716 --> 00:17:10,303 Do you think I'll ever play The Main Stage? 337 00:17:10,304 --> 00:17:11,388 Hey, I'm talking to you. 338 00:17:11,389 --> 00:17:14,558 What the fuck, Cass? 339 00:17:14,559 --> 00:17:15,559 Come on. 340 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,144 What? 341 00:17:17,145 --> 00:17:18,812 - I'm just asking. - Well, you see what I'm doing. 342 00:17:18,813 --> 00:17:20,689 No... but-give me a... give me a minute, okay? 343 00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:23,191 It's my third time through the fucking alphabet down there. 344 00:17:23,192 --> 00:17:25,402 I'm a delicate flower, sorry. 345 00:17:25,403 --> 00:17:27,279 That's 20 minutes of my life I'll never get back. 346 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:31,741 Yeah, but do you really want 20 minutes of your life back? 347 00:17:31,742 --> 00:17:34,286 Touch?. 348 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:37,038 I need your opinion. 349 00:17:38,583 --> 00:17:39,833 If the question is, who do you have to blow 350 00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:40,876 to get in the main room, 351 00:17:40,877 --> 00:17:43,253 you're in the wrong fucking car. 352 00:17:43,254 --> 00:17:44,921 I know, it's Goldie. 353 00:17:44,922 --> 00:17:46,590 She keeps telling me I have to do more 354 00:17:46,591 --> 00:17:47,966 "women appropriate" shit. What is that? 355 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,676 What, like jokes about Tupperware 356 00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:51,761 and ring around the collar? 357 00:17:51,762 --> 00:17:53,680 What did you think? 358 00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,474 Goldie's just gonna build you a ramp to The Main Stage? 359 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,184 It's a meritocracy; it's not a fucking charity event. 360 00:17:57,185 --> 00:17:58,768 Yeah, it's easy for you to say. You're a guy. 361 00:17:58,769 --> 00:18:00,103 You can say whatever you want. 362 00:18:00,104 --> 00:18:02,189 Goldie doesn't owe you shit, okay? 363 00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:04,107 You're not in the main room because you're not ready, and 364 00:18:04,108 --> 00:18:06,026 don't give me that whole "easy cause you're a guy" cop out. 365 00:18:06,027 --> 00:18:08,570 You're slightly better than that. 366 00:18:10,364 --> 00:18:11,740 Jesus Christ, you gave me a heart attack, Ralph. 367 00:18:11,741 --> 00:18:14,493 What's up? 368 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,286 Get out of the car. 369 00:18:16,287 --> 00:18:17,662 What? 370 00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:35,972 A fucking bus. 371 00:18:35,973 --> 00:18:38,391 They act like it's a goddamn freeway out there. 372 00:18:42,813 --> 00:18:43,314 Sorry. 373 00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:46,817 We should probably do something, 374 00:18:46,818 --> 00:18:49,236 some kind of memorial. 375 00:18:50,655 --> 00:18:52,280 I'm sorry. 376 00:18:52,281 --> 00:18:55,283 I dropped two hits of blotter around three in the morning. 377 00:18:55,284 --> 00:18:56,284 I'm still a little... 378 00:18:56,285 --> 00:18:58,328 still just a tiny bit fucked up. 379 00:18:58,329 --> 00:18:59,579 This is terrible, though. 380 00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:04,709 Let's go on with our memorial arrangements for Clay, please. 381 00:19:07,171 --> 00:19:09,506 It's noticeable, isn't it? 382 00:19:09,507 --> 00:19:12,259 I'm picking up Clay's parents at the airport in a couple hours. 383 00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:13,552 I can ask them if they're open 384 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:14,719 to having a ceremony or something. 385 00:19:16,931 --> 00:19:17,765 Oh, fuck. 386 00:19:17,766 --> 00:19:19,099 Jesus! 387 00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:21,184 Wait out-fucking-side, will you, Ed? 388 00:19:21,185 --> 00:19:22,811 I didn't know Clay was gonna die when I took the shit, obviously. 389 00:19:22,812 --> 00:19:24,229 Come on. Come on. 390 00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:26,064 Should be babysitting my nephews now. 391 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,775 - Come on. - We watch H. R. Pufnstuf 392 00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,527 on Saturdays... you know what I'm talking about, Sully. 393 00:19:30,528 --> 00:19:31,279 Yeah, man, acid and babysitting. 394 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:32,904 It's pretty self-explanatory. 395 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,447 Fuck yeah. 396 00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:36,992 We can all, maybe say a few words, huh? 397 00:19:36,993 --> 00:19:37,827 I'll call Jerry's. 398 00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:39,495 Get us a platter. 399 00:19:40,955 --> 00:19:42,914 Think I should try to book a church? 400 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:46,501 Fuck no. We're in one. 401 00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:54,384 You know who swam in this pool? 402 00:19:54,385 --> 00:19:56,720 Like, bacteria and shit? 403 00:19:56,721 --> 00:19:58,555 One Mister Burl Ives. 404 00:20:01,726 --> 00:20:03,935 So you still didn't answer my question, Carl. 405 00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:04,978 What did Goldie say? 406 00:20:04,979 --> 00:20:07,314 She said yes. 407 00:20:07,315 --> 00:20:09,566 Well, good, shit, finally! 408 00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,693 In the near future. 409 00:20:11,694 --> 00:20:13,570 Oh. 410 00:20:13,571 --> 00:20:14,821 Well, how fucking near? 411 00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:16,781 Soon. 412 00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:18,908 I don't know. 413 00:20:18,909 --> 00:20:21,202 Another six months? 414 00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:23,163 She says you're not ready. 415 00:20:23,164 --> 00:20:25,999 Look, I've been doing open mic for over a fucking year now. 416 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,751 Okay, I want fucking Carson, Carl. 417 00:20:27,752 --> 00:20:28,918 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you and every other 418 00:20:28,919 --> 00:20:30,670 pencil dick with five minutes. 419 00:20:30,671 --> 00:20:31,921 Listen, it's a marathon, kid, 420 00:20:31,922 --> 00:20:33,089 I keep telling you. 421 00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:34,591 You keep telling me a lot of shit. 422 00:20:34,592 --> 00:20:36,593 Okay, you're my manager. Fucking manage me. 423 00:20:36,594 --> 00:20:37,261 And if you can't get me the big room, 424 00:20:37,262 --> 00:20:39,596 at least get me a paid gig. 425 00:20:39,597 --> 00:20:41,473 What pay? Goldie doesn't pay anybody. 426 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,849 It's a showcase. 427 00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,768 What about that gig at the church? 428 00:20:44,769 --> 00:20:46,311 Babysitting immigrant kids 429 00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:47,896 is not a gig, Carl. 430 00:20:47,897 --> 00:20:49,397 Okay, I need real money. 431 00:20:49,398 --> 00:20:50,107 All right, I want to get my own pad, 432 00:20:50,108 --> 00:20:52,776 a place where I can take girls 433 00:20:52,777 --> 00:20:54,611 without you wandering through in your boxers, 434 00:20:54,612 --> 00:20:56,279 eating baked beans out of a pan. 435 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,656 It'll come. 436 00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:58,782 It will come. 437 00:20:58,783 --> 00:21:00,325 In the meantime, 438 00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:01,285 just keep entertaining the little beige tots 439 00:21:01,286 --> 00:21:03,828 while you hone your craft at Goldie's 440 00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:04,996 until it's time. 441 00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:06,039 And... and when exactly is... is that? 442 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,458 Goldie will let you know, 443 00:21:08,459 --> 00:21:10,043 in the same way she let Prinze 444 00:21:10,044 --> 00:21:12,003 and Walker and Appuzzo know. 445 00:21:25,476 --> 00:21:27,977 God willing, 446 00:21:27,978 --> 00:21:30,980 some day this will all be ashes. 447 00:21:30,981 --> 00:21:33,984 Their poor mothers. 448 00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:42,201 You know they hate you, right? 449 00:21:58,592 --> 00:22:02,804 Hey, uh, is there any chance of us passing by Grauman's? 450 00:22:02,805 --> 00:22:03,514 Tourists? 451 00:22:03,515 --> 00:22:05,598 Uh, comics. From Boston. 452 00:22:08,227 --> 00:22:09,019 What? 453 00:22:09,020 --> 00:22:10,854 Nothing. 454 00:22:10,855 --> 00:22:12,856 Come on, let us in on the joke. 455 00:22:12,857 --> 00:22:13,982 At the risk of blowing my dime tip, 456 00:22:13,983 --> 00:22:16,568 I'll tell you. 457 00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:19,821 Ever since Carson moved his outfit from New York to here, 458 00:22:19,822 --> 00:22:21,364 every asshole who think he can tell a joke 459 00:22:21,365 --> 00:22:23,950 has been circling Burbank like a fucking vulture. 460 00:22:23,951 --> 00:22:26,870 Nice to meet you too. 461 00:22:26,871 --> 00:22:28,371 - You asked. - I did. 462 00:22:31,709 --> 00:22:32,501 All right, oh. 463 00:22:34,962 --> 00:22:38,381 You religious, Adam? 464 00:22:38,382 --> 00:22:40,216 No, I figured I'd find Jesus 465 00:22:40,217 --> 00:22:42,552 after I'm pulled over by some white cops in Bel Air. 466 00:22:44,138 --> 00:22:45,805 A conversion based on fear isn't a conversion. 467 00:22:45,806 --> 00:22:48,641 It's insurance. 468 00:22:48,642 --> 00:22:50,393 That's nice, Father. 469 00:22:50,394 --> 00:22:52,437 If the Catholic Church starts making fortune cookies, 470 00:22:52,438 --> 00:22:54,981 I think you the man. 471 00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:57,525 So you talk to the powers that be 472 00:22:57,526 --> 00:22:59,152 about my raise? 473 00:22:59,153 --> 00:23:00,029 Sorry. 474 00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:01,529 It pays what it pays. 475 00:23:01,530 --> 00:23:03,448 Ah, are you sure there's nothing that I can do 476 00:23:03,449 --> 00:23:05,450 to make 'em throw a little extra bread my way? 477 00:23:05,451 --> 00:23:08,454 Carl's cool, but I'm starting to get desperate. 478 00:23:13,542 --> 00:23:17,170 There are other ways of supplementing income. 479 00:23:17,171 --> 00:23:20,381 Here at the church, I mean. 480 00:23:20,382 --> 00:23:22,842 What's the figure? 481 00:23:22,843 --> 00:23:24,636 Two hundred. 482 00:23:24,637 --> 00:23:26,054 Dollars? 483 00:23:26,055 --> 00:23:28,139 It pays a lot, Adam, 484 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:30,559 because it costs a lot. 485 00:23:54,917 --> 00:23:56,459 Hello. 486 00:23:56,460 --> 00:23:58,002 Uh... 487 00:23:58,003 --> 00:23:59,295 Is, uh, Clay here? 488 00:23:59,296 --> 00:24:00,005 Who are you? 489 00:24:02,132 --> 00:24:03,800 We're, uh, 490 00:24:03,801 --> 00:24:04,552 we're friends of his from Boston. 491 00:24:04,553 --> 00:24:07,345 We, uh, he said we had a... 492 00:24:07,346 --> 00:24:10,473 we got a place to crash if we came to town, so... 493 00:24:10,474 --> 00:24:11,850 here we are. 494 00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:12,309 Ta-da. 495 00:24:13,019 --> 00:24:15,311 Hi, I'm, uh, Eddie. 496 00:24:15,312 --> 00:24:17,313 Eddie Zeidel. Nice to meet you. 497 00:24:17,314 --> 00:24:19,399 This is my friend, Ron Shack. 498 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,067 Hey. Very nice to meet you. 499 00:24:21,068 --> 00:24:23,570 I'm sorry, Clay's dead. 500 00:24:26,323 --> 00:24:27,699 Excuse me? 501 00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:30,952 Um, last night there was an accident on Sunset. 502 00:24:30,953 --> 00:24:33,705 Wait. 503 00:24:33,706 --> 00:24:35,331 W... 504 00:24:35,332 --> 00:24:36,499 He... 505 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:38,376 He was on Carson, I mean, we... 506 00:24:38,377 --> 00:24:39,336 we talked. 507 00:24:39,336 --> 00:24:39,837 Yeah, he got the fucking couch. 508 00:24:39,838 --> 00:24:41,963 I'm sorry. 509 00:24:41,964 --> 00:24:44,215 Wait... wait, hold on, hold on. Um... 510 00:24:44,216 --> 00:24:46,134 Look, we just kind of 511 00:24:46,135 --> 00:24:47,385 come a really long way. 512 00:24:47,386 --> 00:24:49,095 Uh, so is... is this like a brush-off 513 00:24:49,096 --> 00:24:50,263 or... or a joke or... 514 00:24:50,264 --> 00:24:52,932 Yeah, fucking hilarious, isn't it? 515 00:24:52,933 --> 00:24:54,602 I think it's best you boys made other arrangements. 516 00:24:58,522 --> 00:25:01,316 Come on, Kay. 517 00:25:02,860 --> 00:25:05,320 Of course Clay loved you. 518 00:25:05,321 --> 00:25:07,447 It was two months. 519 00:25:07,448 --> 00:25:11,117 Hardly a romance for the ages. 520 00:25:11,118 --> 00:25:12,201 Who wouldn't be crazy about you? 521 00:25:12,202 --> 00:25:13,703 You're pretty, you're kind, 522 00:25:13,704 --> 00:25:15,038 and you never mess up my drink order. 523 00:25:16,290 --> 00:25:18,207 - Vodka and tonic. - Yep. 524 00:25:18,208 --> 00:25:19,959 Those acting classes are paying off. 525 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,210 Mm. 526 00:25:24,256 --> 00:25:27,383 - What is that like? - Well... 527 00:25:27,384 --> 00:25:29,844 it, uh, doesn't burn if that's what you're asking. 528 00:25:29,845 --> 00:25:30,970 I'm serious. 529 00:25:30,971 --> 00:25:33,264 It's like here. 530 00:25:33,265 --> 00:25:35,934 Some nights you kill. 531 00:25:35,935 --> 00:25:38,728 Some nights you bomb. 532 00:25:38,729 --> 00:25:41,814 For some fucked-up reason you... 533 00:25:41,815 --> 00:25:44,901 keep coming back. 534 00:25:47,071 --> 00:25:48,947 We're gonna fuck, aren't we? 535 00:25:48,948 --> 00:25:52,200 Are we? 536 00:25:52,201 --> 00:25:54,077 Change of clothes. Half a pack of cigarettes. 537 00:25:54,078 --> 00:25:56,788 A postcard. 538 00:26:13,055 --> 00:26:15,139 What kind of god does something like that? 539 00:26:15,140 --> 00:26:16,265 You work your ass off; 540 00:26:16,266 --> 00:26:17,392 you kill on The Tonight Show; 541 00:26:17,393 --> 00:26:18,726 you get the fucking couch; 542 00:26:18,727 --> 00:26:20,853 that very night, you're hit by a bus? 543 00:26:20,854 --> 00:26:21,814 You're buddy got hit crossing against a green. 544 00:26:21,815 --> 00:26:25,441 That's not God, that's Darwin or Budweiser. 545 00:26:25,442 --> 00:26:27,443 Well, you're a real cunt sometimes. 546 00:26:27,444 --> 00:26:31,698 Hey, I find the word "sometimes" offensive. 547 00:26:31,699 --> 00:26:33,116 Excuse me? 548 00:26:33,117 --> 00:26:34,951 Who do we talk to about stage time? 549 00:26:34,952 --> 00:26:36,953 Uh, amateur night's Tuesday night, guys. 550 00:26:36,954 --> 00:26:37,621 Sign-up sheet's by the register. 551 00:26:37,622 --> 00:26:39,497 No, no, no, no, no, uh... 552 00:26:39,498 --> 00:26:41,374 We... we don't do open mic. We're pros. 553 00:26:41,375 --> 00:26:43,418 Oh, wow! Oh, wow. 554 00:26:43,419 --> 00:26:44,336 Oh, I got, uh, Richard Pryor's 555 00:26:44,337 --> 00:26:46,546 going on Thursday night. 556 00:26:46,547 --> 00:26:47,464 I can, uh, bump him if it means 557 00:26:47,465 --> 00:26:50,800 that I can get some pros on stage. 558 00:26:50,801 --> 00:26:52,969 Look, he didn't mean anything, okay? 559 00:26:52,970 --> 00:26:54,971 We're working comics from Boston 560 00:26:54,972 --> 00:26:56,472 and we came out to stay with a friend 561 00:26:56,473 --> 00:26:58,766 and he was gonna set us up out here, 562 00:26:58,767 --> 00:27:00,184 but unfortunately, he... 563 00:27:00,185 --> 00:27:02,061 he died last night, so... 564 00:27:02,062 --> 00:27:05,064 Clay. 565 00:27:05,065 --> 00:27:06,441 Clay Appuzzo, yeah. 566 00:27:06,442 --> 00:27:08,317 Anyway, we got nowhere to crash, 567 00:27:08,318 --> 00:27:09,944 and we spent everything just to get out here. 568 00:27:09,945 --> 00:27:13,781 So if you could help us out and give us some stage time? 569 00:27:13,782 --> 00:27:15,616 What, are you guys like a Rowan and Martin? 570 00:27:15,617 --> 00:27:17,410 No, separate acts. 571 00:27:17,411 --> 00:27:18,870 Well, 572 00:27:18,871 --> 00:27:21,330 amateur night's the best I can do for you guys. 573 00:27:21,331 --> 00:27:23,416 Can't play the main room without Goldie's blessing 574 00:27:23,417 --> 00:27:26,544 and even open mics are like a three-week wait. 575 00:27:26,545 --> 00:27:28,963 Fuck, fucking suck a duck. 576 00:27:28,964 --> 00:27:29,590 Fuck duck! 577 00:27:29,591 --> 00:27:33,259 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 578 00:27:33,260 --> 00:27:34,303 Fuck! 579 00:27:37,139 --> 00:27:38,515 He retarded? 580 00:27:40,184 --> 00:27:42,560 Listen, man, um, 581 00:27:42,561 --> 00:27:44,520 if... 582 00:27:44,521 --> 00:27:46,814 if there's anything you could do to help us out? 583 00:27:46,815 --> 00:27:49,150 Well, if you guys need a place to stay 584 00:27:49,151 --> 00:27:50,526 until you make it big, 585 00:27:50,527 --> 00:27:53,447 I can set you up with something. 586 00:27:54,948 --> 00:27:56,491 Hey, Dory, you think you could get that ketchup 587 00:27:56,492 --> 00:27:58,451 that I asked for a long time ago, you know, 588 00:27:58,452 --> 00:28:01,078 before your Social Security kicks in? 589 00:28:01,079 --> 00:28:04,123 The nicest. The nicest. 590 00:28:11,548 --> 00:28:14,050 "Fa Napoli." 591 00:28:14,051 --> 00:28:15,259 Next time just mail it. 592 00:28:15,260 --> 00:28:16,677 It's a postcard, not a telegram. 593 00:28:16,678 --> 00:28:18,680 I think it's a suicide note from Clay. 594 00:28:23,060 --> 00:28:23,977 How is this a suicide note? 595 00:28:23,978 --> 00:28:27,438 It's part of a Goethe quote. "Fa Napoli." 596 00:28:27,439 --> 00:28:29,315 "See Naples and die." 597 00:28:29,316 --> 00:28:30,566 Clay used to say it all the time. 598 00:28:30,567 --> 00:28:31,818 It meant once you see Naples, 599 00:28:31,819 --> 00:28:33,569 there was nothing left to do but die 600 00:28:33,570 --> 00:28:38,074 because nothing would ever compare to that moment. 601 00:28:38,075 --> 00:28:39,283 It's a postcard, Cass. 602 00:28:39,284 --> 00:28:42,578 That he left on the bedside table at the Sunset Tower Hotel. 603 00:28:42,579 --> 00:28:44,038 Why was he even staying at a hotel 604 00:28:44,039 --> 00:28:45,289 when he lives two blocks away? 605 00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:46,707 I don't know. 606 00:28:46,708 --> 00:28:47,626 Look, you want to play Mod Squad, fine, 607 00:28:47,627 --> 00:28:50,086 but pull this shit with someone else. 608 00:28:50,087 --> 00:28:51,587 Pull what shit? 609 00:28:51,588 --> 00:28:53,923 The shit where you build a fucking shrine to a guy 610 00:28:53,924 --> 00:28:55,925 who wiped his feet on your ass for two years. 611 00:28:55,926 --> 00:28:56,385 I came here as a friend. 612 00:28:56,386 --> 00:28:57,510 I understand. 613 00:28:57,511 --> 00:28:59,804 Clay died. It's a fucking tragedy. 614 00:28:59,805 --> 00:29:01,097 I get it. 615 00:29:01,098 --> 00:29:01,765 It's this fond revisionist bullshit 616 00:29:01,766 --> 00:29:03,724 that makes me want to puke. 617 00:29:03,725 --> 00:29:05,893 It'd make Clay puke too. And you know what? 618 00:29:05,894 --> 00:29:07,061 You just want to sit there and sweep all his dick-ish qualities 619 00:29:07,062 --> 00:29:09,564 under the rug and... and magically turn the silent asshole 620 00:29:09,565 --> 00:29:11,649 at the end of his name into a 621 00:29:11,650 --> 00:29:13,067 "There'll never be another like him," 622 00:29:13,068 --> 00:29:14,443 then go for it, but you're gonna have to 623 00:29:14,444 --> 00:29:16,153 rewrite history with some other shithead. 624 00:29:16,154 --> 00:29:16,697 Go fuck yourself, Bill. 625 00:29:16,698 --> 00:29:19,115 He dumped you, Cass. 626 00:29:19,116 --> 00:29:21,784 I'm right here. I'm right fucking here! 627 00:29:21,785 --> 00:29:22,869 He makes a good point. 628 00:29:29,459 --> 00:29:31,460 That is fucking bullshit, Mitch. 629 00:29:32,422 --> 00:29:33,838 Johnny liked your boy. 630 00:29:33,839 --> 00:29:35,381 - Gave him the fucking couch. - Yeah. 631 00:29:35,382 --> 00:29:37,216 Now this thing with the bus? 632 00:29:37,217 --> 00:29:39,552 Drugs, possibly? 633 00:29:39,553 --> 00:29:41,721 So rumors are the rule of the day now? 634 00:29:41,722 --> 00:29:44,265 He went out to celebrate, got a little drunk, 635 00:29:44,266 --> 00:29:45,725 fell in front of a bus. 636 00:29:45,726 --> 00:29:47,768 It... Carson gave him the couch. 637 00:29:47,769 --> 00:29:49,353 Who wouldn't tie one on? 638 00:29:49,354 --> 00:29:50,147 People there say he saw the bus, 639 00:29:50,148 --> 00:29:51,689 walked right out in front of it. 640 00:29:51,690 --> 00:29:53,274 Police are still investigating. 641 00:29:53,275 --> 00:29:55,151 Wha... so Johnny's fucking punishing me now? 642 00:29:55,152 --> 00:29:56,069 It's the fucking sponsors. 643 00:29:56,070 --> 00:29:57,862 If anyone's being punished, it's us. 644 00:29:57,863 --> 00:29:59,697 Okay, look, Johnny feels bad. 645 00:29:59,698 --> 00:30:01,324 But I just think we need to book some 646 00:30:01,325 --> 00:30:02,700 more established comics for a little while, 647 00:30:02,701 --> 00:30:03,160 see how it all shakes out. 648 00:30:03,161 --> 00:30:05,369 "Established"? 649 00:30:05,370 --> 00:30:06,954 What are you gonna dry-clean Red Skeleton, 650 00:30:06,955 --> 00:30:08,998 send him out there? Good fucking luck! 651 00:30:08,999 --> 00:30:10,541 How long we talking? 652 00:30:10,542 --> 00:30:11,709 We're thinking four, five months. 653 00:30:11,710 --> 00:30:12,960 Then I'll bring the kids right back in. 654 00:30:12,961 --> 00:30:15,171 You want retreads? Be my guest. 655 00:30:15,172 --> 00:30:16,006 Merv, Midnight Special, 656 00:30:16,007 --> 00:30:18,341 they can have first shot at my kids. 657 00:30:18,342 --> 00:30:21,302 I got agents and producers packing this place 658 00:30:21,303 --> 00:30:23,846 every night, because if you're waiting 659 00:30:23,847 --> 00:30:25,389 for them to act stable, 660 00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:28,059 you got a long fuckin' wait. 661 00:30:28,060 --> 00:30:30,686 I mean, they got mommy issues; they got daddy issues; 662 00:30:30,687 --> 00:30:33,940 they're about as stable as a Middle East cease-fire. 663 00:30:33,941 --> 00:30:36,776 That volatility, that pain, 664 00:30:36,777 --> 00:30:40,196 that willingness to walk out in front of a bus 665 00:30:40,197 --> 00:30:42,531 an hour after killing it on Johnny Carson... 666 00:30:42,532 --> 00:30:45,242 - if that's what he did... - That's exactly what he... 667 00:30:45,243 --> 00:30:47,995 Well, that's the price of fucking brilliance, isn't it? 668 00:30:47,996 --> 00:30:51,207 That's what makes millions of your viewers 669 00:30:51,208 --> 00:30:52,500 stay up till the ass crack of dawn, 670 00:30:52,501 --> 00:30:55,336 waiting to see them. 671 00:30:55,337 --> 00:30:59,131 These are tortured fucking souls, Mitch. 672 00:30:59,132 --> 00:31:00,216 I j... 673 00:31:00,217 --> 00:31:02,551 And here I thought we were talking about comics. 674 00:31:03,553 --> 00:31:04,720 You want genius? 675 00:31:04,721 --> 00:31:05,597 You come here. 676 00:31:05,598 --> 00:31:07,473 You want Catskill 677 00:31:07,474 --> 00:31:10,226 or some green kid shitting walnuts 678 00:31:10,227 --> 00:31:11,560 on national television, zay gezunt. 679 00:31:11,561 --> 00:31:13,813 Goldie, the kingmaker. 680 00:31:13,814 --> 00:31:15,147 Damn straight. 681 00:31:15,148 --> 00:31:16,108 And you know what they get from me, 682 00:31:16,109 --> 00:31:20,236 these kids, they don't get anywhere else? 683 00:31:20,237 --> 00:31:21,737 These babies, huh? 684 00:31:21,738 --> 00:31:22,780 Oh... 685 00:31:22,781 --> 00:31:25,074 I nurse these fuckin' kids. 686 00:31:25,075 --> 00:31:26,951 They latch on and don't let go 687 00:31:26,952 --> 00:31:29,120 till I tell them when. 688 00:31:29,121 --> 00:31:32,039 So, when they go on your show, 689 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,125 they knock it out of the fucking park! 690 00:31:34,126 --> 00:31:34,751 Huh? 691 00:31:34,752 --> 00:31:36,919 It's called trust, Mitch. 692 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,548 They trust that when I know they're ready, 693 00:31:40,549 --> 00:31:43,217 that's when they're ready. 694 00:31:43,218 --> 00:31:45,261 And that's when I call you fuck-tards. 695 00:31:45,262 --> 00:31:47,096 Okay, look, we both know those other shows 696 00:31:47,097 --> 00:31:48,639 don't mean shit to these kids. 697 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:49,890 It's Johnny or nothing. 698 00:31:49,891 --> 00:31:51,434 So why don't we just let the sponsors 699 00:31:51,435 --> 00:31:53,602 have a little time to let their pants dry 700 00:31:53,603 --> 00:31:55,604 and then I'll see what I can do. 701 00:31:55,605 --> 00:31:56,981 Yeah, we can all hold hands 702 00:31:56,982 --> 00:31:58,774 and buy the world a fucking Coke, too. 703 00:32:00,027 --> 00:32:00,736 Not for nothing, nice tits. 704 00:32:00,737 --> 00:32:04,155 Fuckin' took you long enough. 705 00:32:04,156 --> 00:32:05,656 So... 706 00:32:05,657 --> 00:32:08,534 What do you think of the place? 707 00:32:08,535 --> 00:32:10,828 I think we're standing in the middle of a fucking closet. 708 00:32:10,829 --> 00:32:12,580 I mean, you can't put a bed in here, much less two. 709 00:32:12,581 --> 00:32:14,290 Yeah, but you can fit two sleeping bags right here, 710 00:32:14,291 --> 00:32:16,500 plus you got access to a full kitchen, shower, 711 00:32:16,501 --> 00:32:18,837 toilet, all semi-functional. 712 00:32:20,088 --> 00:32:21,798 We'll take it. 713 00:32:24,301 --> 00:32:26,802 Are you fuckin' serious? 714 00:32:26,803 --> 00:32:27,929 We need a place to crash. 715 00:32:29,931 --> 00:32:31,515 All right. 716 00:32:31,516 --> 00:32:34,060 Need the rent up front. Sixty bucks cash. 717 00:32:34,061 --> 00:32:35,853 I'm not gonna, uh, I'm not gonna... 718 00:32:35,854 --> 00:32:37,605 What do you got? Just say it. 719 00:32:37,606 --> 00:32:39,649 - I got... I got 11... 11 bucks. - Just say what you have. 720 00:32:40,567 --> 00:32:41,859 Just give me the ten. 721 00:32:41,860 --> 00:32:44,487 - You sure? - Yeah. 722 00:32:44,488 --> 00:32:46,030 All right. Rules. 723 00:32:46,031 --> 00:32:47,823 You live with three other people now, okay? 724 00:32:47,824 --> 00:32:49,075 So you got to put your name on your food. 725 00:32:49,076 --> 00:32:50,076 If you don't have your name on your food, 726 00:32:50,077 --> 00:32:51,202 then it's up for grabs. 727 00:32:51,203 --> 00:32:52,912 - Okay. - Labels. 728 00:32:52,913 --> 00:32:54,497 Also, don't touch my snake, and don't think 729 00:32:54,498 --> 00:32:56,415 you're doing me any favors by feeding him, okay? 730 00:32:56,416 --> 00:32:57,583 Where... where's the snake? The snake's in here? 731 00:32:57,584 --> 00:33:00,044 And listen, this is the closet to my room, out here, so 732 00:33:00,045 --> 00:33:01,921 - if I'm in there with Maggie... - Who's Maggie? 733 00:33:01,922 --> 00:33:04,006 She's my girl. By the way, hands off, okay? 734 00:33:04,007 --> 00:33:07,134 If I'm out here with Maggie, screwing, 735 00:33:07,135 --> 00:33:08,803 you gotta wait till we're done. 736 00:33:08,804 --> 00:33:11,263 And what exactly does that cocktail of degradation 737 00:33:11,264 --> 00:33:12,765 and self-loathing sound like when it's finished? 738 00:33:12,766 --> 00:33:16,477 Sobbing? A single gunshot? 739 00:33:16,478 --> 00:33:18,104 Probably just a groggy "where am I?" 740 00:33:18,105 --> 00:33:18,602 after the ether wears off. 741 00:33:19,731 --> 00:33:21,899 God, do you guys just 742 00:33:21,900 --> 00:33:23,567 come up with this out of the thin air? 743 00:33:23,568 --> 00:33:24,610 It's amazing. 744 00:33:24,611 --> 00:33:27,822 Enjoy your closet. 745 00:33:27,823 --> 00:33:29,658 - Oh. - Fuck me. 746 00:33:31,701 --> 00:33:34,078 Is that a fucking cat box? 747 00:33:34,079 --> 00:33:35,038 Yeah. 748 00:34:04,276 --> 00:34:06,068 Well, uh... 749 00:34:06,069 --> 00:34:08,529 guess I should just... 750 00:34:08,530 --> 00:34:10,406 uh, all right. 751 00:34:10,407 --> 00:34:12,409 Everybody stand back. 752 00:34:20,125 --> 00:34:23,586 Okay, well, you gotta take that down. 753 00:34:23,587 --> 00:34:24,712 I'm fuckin' serious. 754 00:34:24,713 --> 00:34:25,796 Language, Adam, please. 755 00:34:25,797 --> 00:34:28,216 "Language"? Really? 756 00:34:34,848 --> 00:34:39,101 So anybody here from... from out of town? 757 00:34:42,147 --> 00:34:43,772 Are you having a good time, ma'am? 758 00:34:43,773 --> 00:34:45,774 Really? All right, tell your face. 759 00:34:47,068 --> 00:34:48,903 I am Mexican. That's right. 760 00:34:48,904 --> 00:34:52,406 I look like, uh, Tony Orlando 761 00:34:52,407 --> 00:34:53,616 had a baby 762 00:34:53,617 --> 00:34:54,909 with Tony Orlando. 763 00:34:56,411 --> 00:34:57,453 What is it about Mexicans... 764 00:34:57,454 --> 00:35:00,498 eh... I wish this didn't happen, but it's true. 765 00:35:00,499 --> 00:35:02,333 Mexican, right, 766 00:35:02,334 --> 00:35:04,251 is a dirty word still. 767 00:35:04,252 --> 00:35:06,879 You say "Mexican" before anything, it sounds bad. 768 00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,965 Like, for example, uh, I got some reefer. 769 00:35:09,966 --> 00:35:12,635 Got some Mexican reefer. 770 00:35:12,636 --> 00:35:14,220 No, thank you. 771 00:35:14,221 --> 00:35:16,472 Took my kids to the circus, 772 00:35:16,473 --> 00:35:17,932 the Mexican circus. 773 00:35:18,934 --> 00:35:21,268 What the fuck was that about? 774 00:35:21,269 --> 00:35:22,895 Took him to see a clown, 775 00:35:22,896 --> 00:35:25,439 the Mexican clown. 776 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:26,774 Hey, kids, look, it's Puto the Clown. 777 00:35:28,568 --> 00:35:29,818 I gotta take a piss. 778 00:35:29,819 --> 00:35:31,695 Want me to make a balloon animal with my wiener? 779 00:35:31,696 --> 00:35:33,155 Hey, hey. 780 00:35:33,156 --> 00:35:34,490 I gotta talk to Goldie about Clay's memorial. 781 00:35:34,491 --> 00:35:35,658 Look, I fucked up, okay? 782 00:35:35,659 --> 00:35:38,410 I'm an antisocial asshole, a narcissistic douche bag. 783 00:35:38,411 --> 00:35:41,455 Let me know when you get to an apology. 784 00:35:41,456 --> 00:35:43,832 Hey. 785 00:35:43,833 --> 00:35:46,502 Excuse me. Excuse me. 786 00:35:46,503 --> 00:35:47,170 Oh, hey, Clay's friend. 787 00:35:47,171 --> 00:35:50,089 - Yeah, Eddie. - Cassie. 788 00:35:50,090 --> 00:35:52,841 Look, I-I just... I wanted to apologize for earlier. 789 00:35:52,842 --> 00:35:54,009 No, I'm sorry about that... 790 00:35:54,010 --> 00:35:55,344 No, no-no-no-no, please, don't. 791 00:35:55,345 --> 00:35:56,345 I mean, a couple of bums show up, 792 00:35:56,346 --> 00:35:58,597 trying to crash on your boyfriend's couch... 793 00:35:58,598 --> 00:36:00,099 No, he wasn't my boyfriend. 794 00:36:00,100 --> 00:36:01,350 He was my boyfriend. 795 00:36:01,351 --> 00:36:02,143 We were together for two years, 796 00:36:02,144 --> 00:36:04,687 but it's been over for a while. 797 00:36:04,688 --> 00:36:06,605 - And... - Oh. 798 00:36:06,606 --> 00:36:08,691 I'm just trying to take care of his parents and get... 799 00:36:08,692 --> 00:36:12,945 No, that sounds... that sounds really nice of you. 800 00:36:12,946 --> 00:36:14,196 We found a place. 801 00:36:14,197 --> 00:36:15,156 Oh, good. 802 00:36:15,156 --> 00:36:15,865 Yeah, yeah. Arnie's. 803 00:36:15,866 --> 00:36:17,950 Oh, that's not good. 804 00:36:17,951 --> 00:36:19,034 It's great, actually, it's, uh, 805 00:36:19,035 --> 00:36:21,745 it's a closet, is what it is. 806 00:36:21,746 --> 00:36:23,747 It's got a wonderful view, though. 807 00:36:23,748 --> 00:36:25,374 Looks on to some kind of performance space 808 00:36:25,375 --> 00:36:27,668 where, uh, bums take craps in between parked cars. 809 00:36:27,669 --> 00:36:28,503 Yeah. 810 00:36:28,504 --> 00:36:30,129 I don't want to oversell it for you, 811 00:36:30,130 --> 00:36:31,547 but what it lacks in dignity it makes up for 812 00:36:31,548 --> 00:36:32,673 in horrifying spectacle. 813 00:36:32,674 --> 00:36:34,216 Okay. 814 00:36:34,217 --> 00:36:35,010 This guy's doing fucking dick jokes over here, 815 00:36:35,011 --> 00:36:36,969 I'm trying, I'm trying my best. 816 00:36:36,970 --> 00:36:39,263 Oh, thank you for making me laugh. 817 00:36:39,264 --> 00:36:40,889 - All right. - I'll talk to you later. 818 00:36:40,890 --> 00:36:42,349 - Yeah, I'll see you. - Okay, take care. 819 00:36:42,350 --> 00:36:44,560 Hey, is Kay here? 820 00:36:44,561 --> 00:36:45,437 Is Kay here? Kay, Kay the waitress. 821 00:36:45,438 --> 00:36:47,646 - Clay's Kay? - How the fuck do I know? 822 00:36:48,815 --> 00:36:50,065 She gave me crabs. 823 00:36:50,066 --> 00:36:51,191 Aw, what'd you get her? 824 00:36:51,192 --> 00:36:51,901 I'm fucking serious, man. 825 00:36:51,902 --> 00:36:53,944 Just go get some Quell... 826 00:36:53,945 --> 00:36:55,571 I slept with Betty last night. 827 00:36:55,572 --> 00:36:56,864 It's nice knowing you. 828 00:36:56,865 --> 00:36:58,824 Yeah, and she's already hormonal 'cause she's six-months pregnant 829 00:36:58,825 --> 00:37:00,409 so great, she's gonna kill me now 830 00:37:00,410 --> 00:37:03,579 because I fucking turned her panties into a fucking aquarium. 831 00:37:03,580 --> 00:37:05,706 You shown it to anyone else? 832 00:37:05,707 --> 00:37:07,833 Bill. 833 00:37:07,834 --> 00:37:08,876 Anyone who cares? His parents? 834 00:37:08,877 --> 00:37:10,794 No, but I'm going to. 835 00:37:10,795 --> 00:37:12,171 They deserve the truth. 836 00:37:12,172 --> 00:37:16,216 No one deserves the truth, sweetie. 837 00:37:16,217 --> 00:37:17,885 It's not a reward. 838 00:37:17,886 --> 00:37:20,764 You wouldn't want to know if it was your son? 839 00:37:25,143 --> 00:37:27,186 My grandmother gave me this 840 00:37:27,187 --> 00:37:30,606 on my 21st birthday. 841 00:37:30,607 --> 00:37:33,901 Talk about your "to be's or not to be's." 842 00:37:33,902 --> 00:37:36,612 Poor fucker. 843 00:37:36,613 --> 00:37:38,739 Treblinka. 844 00:37:38,740 --> 00:37:41,784 Eight months before she was liberated. 845 00:37:41,785 --> 00:37:43,327 She said there was a Star of David 846 00:37:43,328 --> 00:37:46,205 hung above the entrance to the gas chamber. 847 00:37:46,206 --> 00:37:48,957 Written, in Hebrew, on a purple curtain 848 00:37:48,958 --> 00:37:51,168 were the words, "This is the gateway to God. 849 00:37:51,169 --> 00:37:52,503 Righteous men will pass through." 850 00:37:52,504 --> 00:37:56,799 They even lined the gas chamber entrance with flowers. 851 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:58,550 The train ramp to Treblinka 852 00:37:58,551 --> 00:38:01,220 was disguised to look like a regular railway station 853 00:38:01,221 --> 00:38:04,223 with timetables, signs, even a clock 854 00:38:04,224 --> 00:38:06,767 painted on the wall. 855 00:38:06,768 --> 00:38:10,270 What does this have to do with Clay? 856 00:38:10,271 --> 00:38:13,816 My grandmother knew the truth. 857 00:38:13,817 --> 00:38:16,652 She knew where she was going. 858 00:38:16,653 --> 00:38:19,363 And when she got there, where she was, 859 00:38:19,364 --> 00:38:23,325 what that acrid smell in the air was. 860 00:38:23,326 --> 00:38:28,497 But the truth wasn't gonna let her sleep at night. 861 00:38:28,498 --> 00:38:30,165 It seldom does. 862 00:38:30,166 --> 00:38:32,459 His parents should know. 863 00:38:34,671 --> 00:38:35,796 Say you're right. 864 00:38:35,797 --> 00:38:37,297 They're Catholic. 865 00:38:37,298 --> 00:38:39,508 So you're pretty much damning their son to Hell. 866 00:38:39,509 --> 00:38:42,136 You tell them the truth, and they will never have 867 00:38:42,137 --> 00:38:45,432 another decent night's sleep again. 868 00:38:49,519 --> 00:38:51,895 So what, so I... 869 00:38:51,896 --> 00:38:53,857 so I just shouldn't say anything? 870 00:38:57,193 --> 00:39:01,363 The flowers at Treblinka? 871 00:39:01,364 --> 00:39:05,868 Bubbe said they were the most beautiful she'd ever seen. 872 00:39:13,418 --> 00:39:14,710 Guy? 873 00:39:14,711 --> 00:39:16,879 Guy. 874 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,338 I'm so itchy. 875 00:39:18,339 --> 00:39:19,882 What is it? 876 00:39:19,883 --> 00:39:21,800 I don't know. Is there something on me? 877 00:39:24,929 --> 00:39:27,723 I'm so sorry. 878 00:39:27,724 --> 00:39:29,349 For what? 879 00:39:29,350 --> 00:39:31,351 My dead son's accident 880 00:39:31,352 --> 00:39:33,521 or his giving his mother crabs? 881 00:39:37,233 --> 00:39:39,319 Mister Appuzzo. 882 00:39:42,113 --> 00:39:45,408 Clay left this at the hotel the night of his accident. 883 00:39:49,329 --> 00:39:53,207 "Napoli." See Naples. 884 00:39:53,208 --> 00:39:54,875 Why are you showing me this? 885 00:39:56,795 --> 00:39:59,297 I think that Clay might have... 886 00:40:02,091 --> 00:40:03,801 No. 887 00:40:06,054 --> 00:40:09,014 It was an accident. 888 00:40:09,015 --> 00:40:10,265 He was drinking. He had an accident. 889 00:40:10,266 --> 00:40:12,309 You understand? He had an accident. 890 00:40:12,310 --> 00:40:14,186 - No, Mister... - He was drinking and... 891 00:40:14,187 --> 00:40:15,229 He left this at the hotel. 892 00:40:15,230 --> 00:40:17,731 he fell in front of a bus 893 00:40:17,732 --> 00:40:20,818 in this God forsaken hell hole. 894 00:40:20,819 --> 00:40:22,653 Here, here. 895 00:40:22,654 --> 00:40:24,780 Here's your memorial. Here's your ashes. 896 00:40:27,075 --> 00:40:28,784 Scatter them all over this... 897 00:40:28,785 --> 00:40:30,494 Gomorrah that killed him! 898 00:40:48,638 --> 00:40:50,514 Good morning, roomie. 899 00:40:50,515 --> 00:40:52,891 Morning. 900 00:40:52,892 --> 00:40:54,309 Do you like bacon? 901 00:40:54,310 --> 00:40:56,937 Or are you the other kind of Jew? 902 00:40:56,938 --> 00:40:58,565 Uh... 903 00:40:59,023 --> 00:41:00,148 Morning, buddy. 904 00:41:00,149 --> 00:41:02,359 Hey, Mags, any more bacon? 905 00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:03,069 Yeah, there's one here. 906 00:41:03,070 --> 00:41:05,488 Thank you. 907 00:41:06,739 --> 00:41:08,198 It's a memorial service. 908 00:41:08,199 --> 00:41:09,658 Nobody's gonna say boo. 909 00:41:09,659 --> 00:41:11,034 Man, Arnie's not even gonna 910 00:41:11,035 --> 00:41:12,536 let me in the building without you. 911 00:41:12,537 --> 00:41:14,288 That guy's got his head so far up Goldie's ass 912 00:41:14,289 --> 00:41:15,914 he can taste her last meal. 913 00:41:15,915 --> 00:41:16,875 Look, I'm being serious, Carl. 914 00:41:16,876 --> 00:41:19,585 My hands are tied. Charlie's got the brunch. 915 00:41:19,586 --> 00:41:20,961 Lookit, if you say the words 916 00:41:20,962 --> 00:41:23,130 "Charlie" or "Callas" one more time, 917 00:41:23,131 --> 00:41:25,465 I swear to Christ that I'm going to take this five-dollar tie 918 00:41:25,466 --> 00:41:27,217 that you so generously let me borrow 919 00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:28,677 and I'ma hang your ass with it. 920 00:41:28,678 --> 00:41:30,345 Oh, you want Carson? Go get Carson. 921 00:41:30,346 --> 00:41:32,723 You got to get in there with the big boys. 922 00:41:32,724 --> 00:41:34,016 Let 'em see you. 923 00:41:34,017 --> 00:41:35,475 This business is all about relationships. 924 00:41:35,476 --> 00:41:37,352 You got... you gotta mingle for Chrissake. 925 00:41:37,353 --> 00:41:39,021 Mingle at a memorial service? 926 00:41:39,022 --> 00:41:41,356 Hey, I got my first break on The Colgate Comedy Hour 927 00:41:41,357 --> 00:41:43,692 by chatting up Eddie Cantor at a urinal. 928 00:41:43,693 --> 00:41:44,985 You do what you gotta do. 929 00:41:44,986 --> 00:41:46,111 Wow, you are, like, 930 00:41:46,112 --> 00:41:48,488 the worst fucking manager ever, you know that, right? 931 00:41:48,489 --> 00:41:50,157 Maybe. But I believe in you. 932 00:41:50,158 --> 00:41:51,408 And you know that. 933 00:41:51,409 --> 00:41:53,243 We got pork chops tonight. 934 00:41:53,244 --> 00:41:55,829 If you're late and they're dry, don't blame me. 935 00:42:13,890 --> 00:42:17,684 Guy, please? 936 00:42:32,742 --> 00:42:33,618 Uh, 'scuse me, brother. 937 00:42:33,619 --> 00:42:36,244 Think The Jackson 5's at The Rainbow. 938 00:42:36,245 --> 00:42:38,538 Hey, Arnie, I'm just here to pay my respects. 939 00:42:38,539 --> 00:42:40,499 Oh, yeah? Really? 940 00:42:40,500 --> 00:42:41,125 You were friends with Clay? 941 00:42:41,126 --> 00:42:42,751 Yeah, he... he, uh, 942 00:42:42,752 --> 00:42:45,629 bought me a slice of pizza after one of my sets. 943 00:42:45,630 --> 00:42:46,464 Oh, so you got the pizza connection? 944 00:42:46,465 --> 00:42:49,716 Wow, congrats. That's really cool. 945 00:42:49,717 --> 00:42:50,884 Screw, kid. 946 00:42:50,885 --> 00:42:52,302 Oh, my God! There you are. 947 00:42:52,303 --> 00:42:54,262 - You look fabulous. - How do I look? 948 00:42:54,263 --> 00:42:56,264 This kid doesn't know Clay. He's just here hustling. 949 00:42:56,265 --> 00:42:57,349 Neither do you if you think Clay would give a shit. 950 00:42:57,350 --> 00:43:01,895 He's my guest. Come on. 951 00:43:01,896 --> 00:43:05,482 You look like Flip Wilson went to Sears. 952 00:43:05,483 --> 00:43:07,275 - Hey, thanks, man. - Man, forget it. 953 00:43:07,276 --> 00:43:08,944 There's only one rule in this business, and so far 954 00:43:08,945 --> 00:43:09,779 nobody's figured out what it is yet. 955 00:43:09,780 --> 00:43:12,406 Welcome to the wild, wild west. 956 00:43:12,407 --> 00:43:13,116 Hey, enjoy the egg salad. 957 00:43:16,577 --> 00:43:18,245 - Hey, hey. - Smart, college educated. 958 00:43:18,246 --> 00:43:19,955 - Hey. - Hi. 959 00:43:19,956 --> 00:43:20,623 Uh, where's Betty? I heard she's bringing seafood. 960 00:43:20,624 --> 00:43:23,500 Shut the fuck up. 961 00:43:23,501 --> 00:43:25,043 She's meeting her mother to pick out a new crib. 962 00:43:25,044 --> 00:43:26,128 She's gonna come by a little later, thank you. 963 00:43:26,129 --> 00:43:28,422 What about all the little piranhas in her panties? 964 00:43:28,423 --> 00:43:29,756 I, uh, told her I got them at the Y. 965 00:43:29,757 --> 00:43:31,091 Mm. 966 00:43:31,092 --> 00:43:32,010 Well, I mean, technically, you did. 967 00:43:32,011 --> 00:43:34,177 Man, you should have heard me. 968 00:43:34,178 --> 00:43:35,637 I'm blasting them on the phone this morning. 969 00:43:35,638 --> 00:43:37,389 I'm like, "You guys, my wife is pregnant; 970 00:43:37,390 --> 00:43:39,057 and she probably has them; and I'm gonna take 971 00:43:39,058 --> 00:43:41,309 the Young Man's Christian Association to court!" 972 00:43:41,310 --> 00:43:42,978 I used the full name to intimidate them. 973 00:43:42,979 --> 00:43:43,813 It really worked well. 974 00:43:43,814 --> 00:43:44,980 And she bought all that? 975 00:43:44,981 --> 00:43:45,857 Yeah. Hook, line, and sinker. 976 00:43:45,858 --> 00:43:47,983 - Ugh. - I even canceled my membership, 977 00:43:47,984 --> 00:43:48,860 which sucks, 'cause I loved working out there. 978 00:43:48,861 --> 00:43:50,152 It's inexpensive and, truth be told, 979 00:43:50,153 --> 00:43:52,821 it's very, very clean. 980 00:43:54,866 --> 00:43:57,826 I mean, these girls were bad, you know, so... 981 00:43:57,827 --> 00:43:58,952 But Clay, he introduces us. 982 00:43:58,953 --> 00:44:03,331 And the... and the girls ask how we know each other. 983 00:44:03,332 --> 00:44:06,209 Clay looks at them with a straight face and says, 984 00:44:06,210 --> 00:44:07,836 "We're cousins through rape." 985 00:44:10,256 --> 00:44:12,007 And then... and then, 986 00:44:12,008 --> 00:44:14,885 and then he goes on to tell a story, 987 00:44:14,886 --> 00:44:17,179 a history lesson about how the Moors were black 988 00:44:17,180 --> 00:44:19,931 and they invaded, raped, and pillaged Sicily. 989 00:44:19,932 --> 00:44:22,809 But we are all one, big happy family now, 990 00:44:22,810 --> 00:44:24,102 it's all in the past. 991 00:44:25,104 --> 00:44:27,856 Man, neither one of us got laid that night. 992 00:44:29,275 --> 00:44:30,942 Clay was my man, I tell you that. 993 00:44:30,943 --> 00:44:32,944 He was my man. 994 00:44:35,198 --> 00:44:37,866 Thank you. 995 00:44:54,884 --> 00:44:56,301 Hello, um, 996 00:44:56,302 --> 00:44:58,678 I know, uh, none of you know us, 997 00:44:58,679 --> 00:45:01,723 me and my friend Ron. Um. 998 00:45:01,724 --> 00:45:05,519 But, uh, I knew Clay from 999 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:08,563 back in Boston when his first name was still Calogero. 1000 00:45:08,564 --> 00:45:12,400 We were kids making pizzas at Romero's, 1001 00:45:12,401 --> 00:45:14,903 which was an authentic Italian restaurant 1002 00:45:14,904 --> 00:45:16,404 that was owned by my Jewish uncle. 1003 00:45:17,782 --> 00:45:21,326 Later, Clay got a job at, uh, Combat Zone, 1004 00:45:21,327 --> 00:45:23,286 doing comedy at a strip club. 1005 00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:27,415 And I'd drive into Boston and watch, and, uh... 1006 00:45:27,416 --> 00:45:28,959 I mean, I was probably the one guy there 1007 00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:32,087 not to watch the strippers but to watch Clay perform. 1008 00:45:32,088 --> 00:45:34,798 And he'd be up there telling these jokes about, 1009 00:45:34,799 --> 00:45:37,092 about his family and growing up in a small town, 1010 00:45:37,093 --> 00:45:38,927 but, you know, they... they weren't... 1011 00:45:38,928 --> 00:45:42,013 they weren't jokes, they were these... 1012 00:45:42,014 --> 00:45:44,432 I don't know, these secrets about himself. 1013 00:45:44,433 --> 00:45:48,436 And, uh, one night after closing, 1014 00:45:48,437 --> 00:45:51,481 we, uh, went to the bar for a beer. 1015 00:45:51,482 --> 00:45:53,108 And, uh, I asked him how does he 1016 00:45:53,109 --> 00:45:54,526 get up in front of all these drunks 1017 00:45:54,527 --> 00:45:56,987 and, uh, make them laugh 1018 00:45:56,988 --> 00:45:58,947 at the most 1019 00:45:58,948 --> 00:46:01,575 embarrassing, shameful, 1020 00:46:01,576 --> 00:46:04,244 painful moments of his life. 1021 00:46:04,245 --> 00:46:06,121 And, uh... 1022 00:46:07,748 --> 00:46:09,875 he said it was easier for him 1023 00:46:09,876 --> 00:46:11,668 to confess the truth about himself 1024 00:46:11,669 --> 00:46:13,587 to a room full of drunken strangers 1025 00:46:13,588 --> 00:46:16,631 than it was to the people he really loved. 1026 00:46:19,552 --> 00:46:20,344 He was beautiful. 1027 00:46:35,359 --> 00:46:36,401 Angelina. 1028 00:46:36,402 --> 00:46:38,987 - Oh, Guy. - We're leaving. 1029 00:46:38,988 --> 00:46:40,155 You have to stay in here. The stories about Calogero... 1030 00:46:40,156 --> 00:46:41,990 We're leaving. 1031 00:46:44,035 --> 00:46:45,410 Mr. Appuzzo, please, 1032 00:46:45,411 --> 00:46:46,912 won't you join us, just a little while? 1033 00:46:46,913 --> 00:46:48,705 Have... have a seat, please. 1034 00:46:48,706 --> 00:46:49,158 The... 1035 00:46:50,666 --> 00:46:53,001 My son is dead. 1036 00:46:53,002 --> 00:46:54,586 He was a child. 1037 00:46:54,587 --> 00:46:55,754 He was always a child. 1038 00:46:55,755 --> 00:46:57,797 You are children. 1039 00:46:57,798 --> 00:47:00,217 You think you can joke your way out of everything, 1040 00:47:00,218 --> 00:47:02,093 pain, heartache, 1041 00:47:02,094 --> 00:47:04,221 life! 1042 00:47:04,222 --> 00:47:06,181 Go ahead. Then what? 1043 00:47:06,182 --> 00:47:07,474 It's all still there waiting for you, 1044 00:47:07,475 --> 00:47:09,517 waiting to be dealt with. 1045 00:47:09,518 --> 00:47:11,061 You're children with your eyes closed, 1046 00:47:11,062 --> 00:47:13,021 thinking nobody can see you. 1047 00:47:13,022 --> 00:47:13,814 I see you. 1048 00:47:13,815 --> 00:47:15,816 I see right through all of you. 1049 00:47:35,795 --> 00:47:37,295 Oh, shit! 1050 00:47:37,296 --> 00:47:39,172 Honey, what are you doing? The doctor said 1051 00:47:39,173 --> 00:47:43,218 no destruction of property until after the baby! 1052 00:47:43,219 --> 00:47:45,011 It's the receipt from your crab lotion. 1053 00:47:45,012 --> 00:47:46,888 If you found out about it this morning, then 1054 00:47:46,889 --> 00:47:48,598 why is the receipt from two days ago, you son of a bitch? 1055 00:47:48,599 --> 00:47:50,558 No, not on my car! 1056 00:47:50,559 --> 00:47:52,227 Bess, come here, give me that... 1057 00:47:52,228 --> 00:47:53,687 Can we... no-no-no-no, please, come here, come-here, 1058 00:47:53,688 --> 00:47:55,897 come here, stop, come on! 1059 00:47:55,898 --> 00:47:57,065 Thought I got rid of those. 1060 00:47:57,066 --> 00:48:02,904 Told you to keep your dick in your skirt, didn't I? 1061 00:48:02,905 --> 00:48:04,281 Mind if I grab a beer? 1062 00:48:04,282 --> 00:48:06,741 I'll join you. 1063 00:48:06,742 --> 00:48:08,410 Hey, hey, Goldie. How you doing? 1064 00:48:08,411 --> 00:48:09,494 I'm, uh, I'm Adam. Adam Proteau. 1065 00:48:09,495 --> 00:48:11,913 Yeah, I know who you are. 1066 00:48:11,914 --> 00:48:14,040 Um, yeah, I know now is a bad time, but I was... 1067 00:48:14,041 --> 00:48:15,583 I said I know who you are. 1068 00:48:15,584 --> 00:48:16,710 Why don't you quit while you're ahead, huh? 1069 00:48:37,606 --> 00:48:38,606 Come in. 1070 00:48:38,607 --> 00:48:40,525 Oh, sweetie. Hey, you look tired. 1071 00:48:40,526 --> 00:48:41,568 You need a bump? 1072 00:48:41,569 --> 00:48:43,320 I want to go up tonight. 1073 00:48:43,321 --> 00:48:44,529 The Cellar's yours. Name the time. 1074 00:48:44,530 --> 00:48:46,614 Not The Cellar. 1075 00:48:46,615 --> 00:48:48,200 The main room. 1076 00:48:52,204 --> 00:48:53,705 What are you? 1077 00:48:53,706 --> 00:48:54,956 Excuse me? 1078 00:48:54,957 --> 00:48:56,666 I have no idea what the fuck you are. 1079 00:48:56,667 --> 00:48:58,335 I'm a comedian. 1080 00:48:58,336 --> 00:49:00,754 What are you? 1081 00:49:00,755 --> 00:49:04,090 You're funny, I give you that. 1082 00:49:04,091 --> 00:49:06,301 Phyllis Diller, I know what she is. 1083 00:49:06,302 --> 00:49:08,345 Joan Rivers, I get, but you? 1084 00:49:08,346 --> 00:49:10,305 No clue. 1085 00:49:10,306 --> 00:49:10,806 You're all over the map. 1086 00:49:10,807 --> 00:49:11,807 No point of view. 1087 00:49:11,808 --> 00:49:15,310 You're sexy, which is not a plus. 1088 00:49:15,311 --> 00:49:16,228 They don't hear half your jokes 'cause 1089 00:49:16,229 --> 00:49:17,520 they're so busy staring at your tits. 1090 00:49:17,521 --> 00:49:19,898 So you go a little blue. 1091 00:49:19,899 --> 00:49:21,524 And when you don't, you're all 1092 00:49:21,525 --> 00:49:24,152 "aw, shucks and cow shit." 1093 00:49:24,153 --> 00:49:27,447 I have no idea what your female perspective is. 1094 00:49:27,448 --> 00:49:29,657 There is no one female perspective, 1095 00:49:29,658 --> 00:49:32,702 just like there is no one guy perspective. 1096 00:49:32,703 --> 00:49:35,580 We're not them, honey. 1097 00:49:35,581 --> 00:49:36,165 You wanna go on The Tonight Show? 1098 00:49:36,166 --> 00:49:37,957 Yes. 1099 00:49:37,958 --> 00:49:39,667 Let me help you, hmm? 1100 00:49:39,668 --> 00:49:42,420 Find a voice that women can relate to. 1101 00:49:42,421 --> 00:49:43,463 I have a voice women... that women relate to... 1102 00:49:43,464 --> 00:49:48,009 That sheds light on our mutual experiences, huh? 1103 00:49:48,010 --> 00:49:49,761 Then I'll put you on The Main Stage, 1104 00:49:49,762 --> 00:49:50,721 front and center, 1105 00:49:50,722 --> 00:49:52,055 my right hand to Carson. 1106 00:49:52,056 --> 00:49:53,556 - Is Kaufman like Carlin? - Ugh. 1107 00:49:53,557 --> 00:49:54,557 Is Klein like Pryor? 1108 00:49:54,558 --> 00:49:55,975 You're missing my point. 1109 00:49:55,976 --> 00:49:58,186 Yet they're all up there on your stage. 1110 00:49:58,187 --> 00:50:00,146 Why is it any different for women? 1111 00:50:00,147 --> 00:50:02,899 There is room for me too, I just need your stage to prove it. 1112 00:50:02,900 --> 00:50:04,193 When you're ready. 1113 00:50:17,081 --> 00:50:18,748 Word has is The Tonight Show's gonna be 1114 00:50:18,749 --> 00:50:22,210 laying off young comics for a while. 1115 00:50:22,211 --> 00:50:23,962 That the... 1116 00:50:23,963 --> 00:50:25,630 rumors surrounding Clay's death 1117 00:50:25,631 --> 00:50:27,967 has them rethinking things. 1118 00:50:33,722 --> 00:50:35,807 Your point? 1119 00:50:35,808 --> 00:50:38,393 The LA Times is doing an interview 1120 00:50:38,394 --> 00:50:40,061 with me tomorrow. 1121 00:50:40,062 --> 00:50:40,896 They want me to set the record straight 1122 00:50:40,897 --> 00:50:44,316 about Clay, about his death... 1123 00:50:45,359 --> 00:50:48,903 The truth. 1124 00:50:48,904 --> 00:50:50,030 And what is the truth? 1125 00:50:52,366 --> 00:50:54,742 You tell me. 1126 00:50:56,871 --> 00:50:58,830 At least now I know what you are. 1127 00:51:02,751 --> 00:51:04,836 Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end. 1128 00:51:04,837 --> 00:51:06,296 That means what? 1129 00:51:06,297 --> 00:51:07,256 Yes, the draft is coming to an end. 1130 00:51:07,257 --> 00:51:09,007 It's so nice. Comedians are coming home 1131 00:51:09,008 --> 00:51:11,593 from Canada, 'cause they're pussies, right? 1132 00:51:11,594 --> 00:51:13,595 Ugh, they are not known for their bravery, man. 1133 00:51:13,596 --> 00:51:15,138 They're known for what? Say it with me. 1134 00:51:15,139 --> 00:51:17,348 Big penises. Nobody said it, that's weird. 1135 00:51:17,349 --> 00:51:19,601 That's a "no" in the back? Is that... yeah, that's my wife. 1136 00:51:19,602 --> 00:51:21,060 How are you... oh, wait, that's not her. 1137 00:51:21,061 --> 00:51:22,770 I'm just kidding. She didn't make it 1138 00:51:22,771 --> 00:51:24,606 through surgery, she's dead. How are you? 1139 00:51:24,607 --> 00:51:26,316 Ugh, I just... gonna... I'ma need you to hold this. 1140 00:51:26,317 --> 00:51:28,193 Just put it between your breasts, that's fine, um. 1141 00:51:28,194 --> 00:51:30,487 I'll come get it later. Great, so... 1142 00:51:30,488 --> 00:51:32,071 Man, we hate to fight. 1143 00:51:32,072 --> 00:51:34,032 We'll make a white flag out of anything, right? 1144 00:51:34,033 --> 00:51:34,992 We'll make a white flag out of a fuckin' black flag. 1145 00:51:34,993 --> 00:51:37,702 Where are you in all this, Cass? 1146 00:51:39,413 --> 00:51:43,291 All those jokes about being a single gal from Wink, Texas. 1147 00:51:45,461 --> 00:51:47,504 Fuck, the bartender can tell jokes. 1148 00:51:50,049 --> 00:51:51,466 Real laughter... 1149 00:51:53,677 --> 00:51:57,347 It's cathartic. 1150 00:51:57,348 --> 00:51:59,390 It's the current that moves through an audience 1151 00:51:59,391 --> 00:52:01,476 when some truth about who you are, 1152 00:52:01,477 --> 00:52:03,603 about who they are, is revealed. 1153 00:52:04,772 --> 00:52:07,982 Come on, Cass, you gotta go out there and put those arms 1154 00:52:07,983 --> 00:52:10,693 around that messy part of yourself and just... 1155 00:52:18,035 --> 00:52:20,078 Get your ass on that stage. 1156 00:52:20,079 --> 00:52:22,705 Figure out what it is that you have to say, 1157 00:52:22,706 --> 00:52:26,209 open a vein, and... 1158 00:52:26,210 --> 00:52:28,002 fuckin' say it. 1159 00:52:28,003 --> 00:52:29,629 That's it, I'm Sully Patterson, thank you guys! 1160 00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:34,551 Yeah, give it up for Sully Paterson, a... 1161 00:52:34,552 --> 00:52:37,345 genuine war hero right there, man. 1162 00:52:37,346 --> 00:52:39,222 Coming to the stage next right now is a real treat. 1163 00:52:39,223 --> 00:52:41,182 It's her first time on the main room stage, 1164 00:52:41,183 --> 00:52:44,727 and quite frankly it's about motherfucking time. 1165 00:52:44,728 --> 00:52:47,522 Easy on the eyes, and funny as hell, 1166 00:52:47,523 --> 00:52:48,815 give it up for Cassie Feder! 1167 00:53:00,494 --> 00:53:01,619 Hey, y'all. 1168 00:53:04,540 --> 00:53:06,541 Yes, I am from Texas. 1169 00:53:06,542 --> 00:53:08,793 We do say "y'all." 1170 00:53:08,794 --> 00:53:10,795 Y'all's actually Texas shorthand for 1171 00:53:10,796 --> 00:53:13,006 "We will shoot you, all of you." 1172 00:53:14,758 --> 00:53:17,844 You know what's great about being a single gal 1173 00:53:17,845 --> 00:53:20,054 in Texas? 1174 00:53:20,055 --> 00:53:22,557 Is making out in pickup trucks. 1175 00:53:22,558 --> 00:53:26,394 Girls, you have not lived until you find yourself 1176 00:53:26,395 --> 00:53:28,313 in a lip lock with a farm boy 1177 00:53:28,314 --> 00:53:29,856 who spent his afternoon 1178 00:53:29,857 --> 00:53:30,774 watching his daddy's cows hump. 1179 00:53:51,462 --> 00:53:54,172 You ever have life pull a trick on you 1180 00:53:54,173 --> 00:53:56,342 that you just did not see coming? 1181 00:53:58,052 --> 00:53:59,385 You're just walking along, 1182 00:53:59,386 --> 00:54:03,348 all happy and stupid, and wham. 1183 00:54:03,349 --> 00:54:06,142 Without you even realizing it, life just 1184 00:54:06,143 --> 00:54:09,480 bends you over and tucks it straight up your ass? 1185 00:54:12,983 --> 00:54:15,985 I lost a friend recently. 1186 00:54:15,986 --> 00:54:17,695 An ex-boyfriend, actually. 1187 00:54:18,657 --> 00:54:21,616 Man... 1188 00:54:21,617 --> 00:54:24,160 Did I ever love him. 1189 00:54:24,161 --> 00:54:28,122 He was Italian and swarthy. 1190 00:54:28,123 --> 00:54:29,707 And he had these, um, 1191 00:54:29,708 --> 00:54:32,168 these big blue eyes. 1192 00:54:32,169 --> 00:54:34,671 And not that he couldn't be a dick too, 'cause he could. 1193 00:54:34,672 --> 00:54:36,631 Get her the fuck off the stag... 1194 00:54:36,632 --> 00:54:37,632 What? For what? 1195 00:54:37,633 --> 00:54:39,300 Here I was, 1196 00:54:39,301 --> 00:54:43,054 this Jew from Wink, Texas. 1197 00:54:43,055 --> 00:54:45,306 Let me just put that in perspective for you. 1198 00:54:45,307 --> 00:54:47,809 There's more Jews at a Walt Disney dinner party 1199 00:54:47,810 --> 00:54:49,310 than there are in all of Wink. 1200 00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:53,398 And I met my ex, and, man, 1201 00:54:53,399 --> 00:54:56,234 I was just overmatched right from the start. 1202 00:54:56,235 --> 00:54:59,153 You know you are overmatched when you end up 1203 00:54:59,154 --> 00:55:00,030 blowing a guy on the first date. 1204 00:55:00,031 --> 00:55:02,323 That's it. The end. 1205 00:55:02,324 --> 00:55:03,283 You know what I'm talking about. 1206 00:55:03,284 --> 00:55:05,868 I can see you've done that a few times, 1207 00:55:05,869 --> 00:55:07,662 haven't you, young lady? 1208 00:55:07,663 --> 00:55:10,331 I mean, I don't even know what happened, really. 1209 00:55:10,332 --> 00:55:11,791 I was at dinner. I was smiling. 1210 00:55:11,792 --> 00:55:14,252 I was nodding. 1211 00:55:14,253 --> 00:55:16,254 I was so interested in everything he was saying. 1212 00:55:16,255 --> 00:55:19,048 One second, "Oh, my gosh, lasagna Thanksgiving 1213 00:55:19,049 --> 00:55:22,009 instead of turkey? No." 1214 00:55:22,010 --> 00:55:23,761 And then the next second, I'm in the front seat of his Valiant 1215 00:55:23,762 --> 00:55:26,973 blowing him, wondering what our kids are gonna look like. 1216 00:55:28,684 --> 00:55:30,977 If it's a boy, 1217 00:55:30,978 --> 00:55:32,854 let's name 'em 'Arry a... 1218 00:55:37,776 --> 00:55:39,569 And if it's a girl, 1219 00:55:39,570 --> 00:55:42,864 I'll name her Candace. 1220 00:55:43,533 --> 00:55:46,242 I was so happy to be there 1221 00:55:46,243 --> 00:55:50,496 that I said thank you to him afterwards. 1222 00:55:52,291 --> 00:55:53,875 I don't know what happened. 1223 00:55:53,876 --> 00:55:55,626 I didn't blow guys in Wink. 1224 00:55:55,627 --> 00:55:57,044 And then I'm in L. A. for one month, 1225 00:55:57,045 --> 00:55:59,714 and I'm really thinking 1226 00:55:59,715 --> 00:56:01,466 about getting my tonsils taken out 1227 00:56:01,467 --> 00:56:03,342 for performance purposes. 1228 00:56:03,343 --> 00:56:05,845 If my uncle knew what was going on, 1229 00:56:05,846 --> 00:56:07,638 I could just see him. 1230 00:56:07,639 --> 00:56:11,517 I can't believe you're sucking Italian dick. 1231 00:56:11,518 --> 00:56:12,852 That's disgusting. 1232 00:56:12,853 --> 00:56:14,896 You got perfectly good cousin dick 1233 00:56:14,897 --> 00:56:16,230 right ch'ere in Wink! 1234 00:56:44,927 --> 00:56:46,677 Oh, great. 1235 00:56:46,678 --> 00:56:48,888 I gotta take a piss. 1236 00:56:48,889 --> 00:56:49,848 When's this prick gonna shoot his wad? 1237 00:56:51,308 --> 00:56:53,935 Ooh, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah, oh! 1238 00:56:53,936 --> 00:56:55,436 You know Lenny Bruce's first paying gig 1239 00:56:55,437 --> 00:56:59,357 was for 12 dollars and a free plate of spaghetti? 1240 00:56:59,358 --> 00:57:01,901 I would kill for some spaghetti right now. 1241 00:57:01,902 --> 00:57:03,194 Fucking starving. 1242 00:57:07,241 --> 00:57:08,616 Z? 1243 00:57:08,617 --> 00:57:09,243 Yeah? 1244 00:57:09,244 --> 00:57:11,118 Where the fuck are we? 1245 00:57:15,875 --> 00:57:18,125 Hollywood, brotha. 1246 00:57:27,928 --> 00:57:29,220 Thank you. 1247 00:58:04,047 --> 00:58:06,173 - sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com - 1248 00:58:07,305 --> 00:58:13,182 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org 1249 00:58:13,232 --> 00:58:17,782 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 89231