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1
00:00:01,064 --> 00:00:03,692
[hip-hop music]
2
00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:07,782
If you're here for the GED,
please have a seat.
3
00:00:07,784 --> 00:00:10,512
We will begin in exactly two minutes.
4
00:00:12,475 --> 00:00:14,536
Would you like to find a desk?
5
00:00:14,537 --> 00:00:17,065
Yeah, I'll do that, right
after you find a personality.
6
00:00:17,066 --> 00:00:18,794
Am I right?
7
00:00:18,795 --> 00:00:20,192
Morning burn.
8
00:00:20,193 --> 00:00:21,223
Get it while it's hot.
9
00:00:21,224 --> 00:00:22,254
Oh, now it's cold.
10
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:23,685
Miss Russell, is it?
11
00:00:23,686 --> 00:00:25,215
Oh, please, my friends call me Gene.
12
00:00:25,216 --> 00:00:26,945
- Okay, Gene.
- Oh, you're not my friend.
13
00:00:26,946 --> 00:00:28,542
- Miss Russell.
- Present.
14
00:00:28,543 --> 00:00:30,072
Miss Russell!
15
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,835
You can leave if you want to.
16
00:00:31,836 --> 00:00:34,365
It doesn't matter to me.
17
00:00:36,194 --> 00:00:39,388
The test begins now.
18
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:42,980
I stayed.
19
00:00:42,981 --> 00:00:44,377
Good for you.
20
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,736
"A man rents a vacuum cleaner
for $28.84
21
00:00:47,737 --> 00:00:49,466
from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m."--
22
00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:51,130
You're speaking out loud, you know?
23
00:00:51,131 --> 00:00:52,893
Huh? Oh, sorry.
24
00:00:52,894 --> 00:00:54,623
We're too gangsta for TV
25
00:00:54,624 --> 00:00:56,519
That's why you don't see us
26
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,182
But they still wanna be us
27
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,813
Ha ha!
28
00:01:10,525 --> 00:01:12,720
I worked so hard!
29
00:01:15,349 --> 00:01:18,076
- You know what?
- [inhales sharply]
30
00:01:18,077 --> 00:01:19,839
Screw it.
31
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,702
Prison might not be that bad.
32
00:01:21,703 --> 00:01:23,532
We both watch
"Orange Is the New Black."
33
00:01:23,533 --> 00:01:25,162
You could be the head of
34
00:01:25,163 --> 00:01:29,620
some Christian methy white power
posse in--in two days.
35
00:01:29,621 --> 00:01:32,048
No, I don't know if I would,
36
00:01:32,049 --> 00:01:34,610
because I passed the test.
37
00:01:34,611 --> 00:01:36,273
- What?
- I passed the test.
38
00:01:36,274 --> 00:01:39,533
- You passed the test?
- I got you, you brainy bitch!
39
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,362
You got big ol' brains, bitch.
40
00:01:41,363 --> 00:01:42,494
You got big ol' brains, bitch!
41
00:01:42,495 --> 00:01:44,157
Well, I got big ol' brains
42
00:01:44,158 --> 00:01:45,521
'cause you gave me
big ol' brains, you bitch.
43
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,484
What'd you say, ol' bitch?
44
00:01:47,485 --> 00:01:49,446
I can't understand you when you
talk in that register, bitch.
45
00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:50,810
[laughs]
46
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,175
Yeah, it was crazy.
47
00:01:52,176 --> 00:01:54,104
I kept guessing answers,
but these times,
48
00:01:54,105 --> 00:01:56,233
the guesses were, like,
different than regular guesses.
49
00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:57,929
They were like super guesses.
50
00:01:57,930 --> 00:02:00,225
Well...
51
00:02:00,226 --> 00:02:02,354
maybe you just learned something.
52
00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:04,117
Yeah, maybe. Who knows?
53
00:02:04,118 --> 00:02:05,149
Don't hold your breath, coach.
54
00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:07,810
[both laugh]
55
00:02:07,811 --> 00:02:09,639
- So what are you gonna do now?
- Well...
56
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,269
It feels like your life
kind of has no purpose
57
00:02:11,270 --> 00:02:12,966
now that I've passed my GED.
58
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:15,162
Well, I didn't want
to steal your spotlight...
59
00:02:15,163 --> 00:02:16,792
[imitates creaking]
- What?
60
00:02:16,793 --> 00:02:19,586
But I had a phone interview
yesterday with UCLA,
61
00:02:19,587 --> 00:02:21,749
and there's an opening
in the history department,
62
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:23,745
so all I've got to do is
nail my demo lecture tomorrow,
63
00:02:23,746 --> 00:02:26,739
and it's all good, baby!
64
00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:28,402
I'll get it. Can you grab my water?
65
00:02:28,403 --> 00:02:29,898
- I'm a little thirsty.
- Oh, yeah.
66
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,095
Getting sweaty with some b-ball!
67
00:02:32,096 --> 00:02:34,391
- Strenuous.
- Thanks.
68
00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,949
- Tomorrow?
- What's wrong with that?
69
00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,544
Uh, nothing, except you
have a fear of public speaking.
70
00:02:40,545 --> 00:02:42,540
I mean, have you been
working on this at all?
71
00:02:42,541 --> 00:02:46,199
Well, I have been
teaching you for a year.
72
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,693
Yeah, but I'm, like, one
person and an excellent pupil.
73
00:02:49,694 --> 00:02:52,021
Slam dunk!
74
00:02:52,022 --> 00:02:53,850
Yeah, well, I've been
working on my lectures.
75
00:02:53,851 --> 00:02:56,878
It's not like
I'm gonna go in cold, you know?
76
00:02:56,879 --> 00:02:59,673
Nothing but net!
77
00:02:59,674 --> 00:03:01,169
Oh, my God.
78
00:03:01,170 --> 00:03:04,097
It's a taco
that tastes like a Dorito.
79
00:03:04,098 --> 00:03:05,727
This is nuts.
80
00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,789
Tell me the truth.
If it's bad, I can handle it.
81
00:03:07,790 --> 00:03:09,885
It's not gonna be bad. Let's hear it.
82
00:03:09,886 --> 00:03:11,216
Come on. Whoo, Billie!
83
00:03:11,217 --> 00:03:13,079
All right.
84
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,875
Oh, I'll wait.
85
00:03:14,876 --> 00:03:16,605
Billie, there's gonna be
a lot of people staring at you.
86
00:03:16,606 --> 00:03:18,534
Actually, this might be
good practice.
87
00:03:18,535 --> 00:03:21,296
- Stay there, Joy.
- All right.
88
00:03:21,297 --> 00:03:25,920
The flaming arrow was first
discovered by Sir Gawain of Noth
89
00:03:25,921 --> 00:03:29,247
when he pulled his own arrow
from a burning body
90
00:03:29,248 --> 00:03:32,506
only to find the tip ignited.
91
00:03:32,507 --> 00:03:35,002
How can I appreciate
medieval weaponry
92
00:03:35,003 --> 00:03:36,699
if I'm not familiarized
93
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:39,825
with the political diaspora
of the time?
94
00:03:39,826 --> 00:03:41,488
Let's get--
95
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:45,548
And that's what really puts
the sword in the...
96
00:03:50,206 --> 00:03:51,935
In the stone.
97
00:03:54,231 --> 00:03:55,228
[clears throat]
98
00:03:55,229 --> 00:03:56,991
Shut up.
99
00:03:56,992 --> 00:04:00,850
Oh, my gosh, how long was I--
how long were you talking?
100
00:04:00,851 --> 00:04:02,513
Like, two hours?
101
00:04:02,514 --> 00:04:04,609
Five minutes.
102
00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:06,173
Oh, my God.
103
00:04:06,174 --> 00:04:08,734
That was, like,
the best sleep I've ever gotten.
104
00:04:08,735 --> 00:04:11,529
[breathing irregularly]
105
00:04:11,530 --> 00:04:13,425
Are you laughing or are you crying?
106
00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:15,155
This is laughing.
107
00:04:15,156 --> 00:04:16,385
Okay, let's do
108
00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:19,413
some confidence-building
exercises, yeah?
109
00:04:19,414 --> 00:04:21,641
Okay.
110
00:04:21,642 --> 00:04:24,702
Okay. First off, no notes.
111
00:04:24,703 --> 00:04:26,664
All right? Notes are for nerds.
112
00:04:26,665 --> 00:04:28,627
That's why they both begin
with the letter N.
113
00:04:28,628 --> 00:04:29,991
I think you gave me a paper cut.
114
00:04:29,992 --> 00:04:32,353
Oh, let me see.
115
00:04:32,354 --> 00:04:34,316
- Ahh!
- Second rule: Toughen up.
116
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,711
You got to walk in that
classroom like you own a joint.
117
00:04:36,712 --> 00:04:38,508
- Marijuana.
- Can I have a Band-Aid?
118
00:04:38,509 --> 00:04:39,872
It's bleeding now.
119
00:04:39,873 --> 00:04:41,601
And C: just like in prison,
120
00:04:41,602 --> 00:04:44,829
you want to find the baddest
badass and kick their ass bad.
121
00:04:44,830 --> 00:04:47,490
Okay, this sounds dangerous.
122
00:04:47,491 --> 00:04:48,987
Oh.
123
00:04:50,851 --> 00:04:52,114
[low-pitched voice]
It is.
124
00:04:52,115 --> 00:04:53,744
Do you have something in your throat?
125
00:04:53,745 --> 00:04:55,407
Yeah, there is something.
I think it's Dorito.
126
00:04:55,408 --> 00:04:58,401
[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" plays]
127
00:04:58,402 --> 00:05:01,196
128
00:05:01,197 --> 00:05:03,192
Motivate me. Teach me.
129
00:05:03,193 --> 00:05:04,489
- I'm trying.
- Motivate.
130
00:05:04,490 --> 00:05:07,216
The flaming arrow!
131
00:05:07,217 --> 00:05:09,978
'Cause I've been blasting
and laughing so long
132
00:05:09,979 --> 00:05:13,506
That even my mama thinks
that my mind is gone, but--
133
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:21,854
Been spending most their lives
134
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:25,414
Living in a gangsta's paradise
135
00:05:25,415 --> 00:05:27,842
Been spending most their lives
136
00:05:27,843 --> 00:05:31,335
Living in a gangsta's paradise
137
00:05:31,336 --> 00:05:33,631
We keep spending most our lives
138
00:05:33,632 --> 00:05:35,227
Living in a gangsta's paradise
139
00:05:35,228 --> 00:05:36,459
Congrats, teach.
140
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:38,654
You've officially got my attention.
141
00:05:38,655 --> 00:05:40,583
Oh, nice.
142
00:05:40,584 --> 00:05:42,713
You think--
yeah, you think I can do it?
143
00:05:42,714 --> 00:05:44,908
Does a bear sit in the woods?
144
00:05:44,909 --> 00:05:47,569
Oh, yeah. I guess it does.
145
00:05:47,570 --> 00:05:51,728
Unless it's a polar bear.
Then it sits in a frozen tundra.
146
00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:53,734
Billie.
147
00:05:54,056 --> 00:05:56,293
"Just remember,
you're 'someting' special.
148
00:05:56,295 --> 00:05:58,569
"Oops, I said 'someting'
instead of 'something.'
149
00:05:58,571 --> 00:06:01,202
Makes me sound hella Asian."
150
00:06:01,203 --> 00:06:03,700
Hella Asian or hella racist?
151
00:06:03,701 --> 00:06:05,766
- Oh.
- 'Cause you said "someting."
152
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,598
I was just reading something
else that someone wrote.
153
00:06:07,599 --> 00:06:09,297
I like Asian.
154
00:06:09,299 --> 00:06:12,263
- What about 'em do you like?
- Oh, like, I like--
155
00:06:12,263 --> 00:06:14,562
'Cause I can't think of a thing.
156
00:06:14,563 --> 00:06:16,028
- You really--
- What up? I'm Cal, Ren History.
157
00:06:16,028 --> 00:06:17,390
- I'm joking around.
- Oh, oh.
158
00:06:17,390 --> 00:06:19,223
I'm shock-proof
when it comes to comedy.
159
00:06:19,228 --> 00:06:20,725
[nervous laugh] Oh, good, good.
160
00:06:20,722 --> 00:06:22,392
- I'm not racist at all.
- Good.
161
00:06:22,397 --> 00:06:24,524
My first wife
was half African-American.
162
00:06:24,528 --> 00:06:25,785
Oh, congrat...
163
00:06:25,793 --> 00:06:27,382
- Maybe a quarter.
- ulations.
164
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:28,753
- You must be Ms. Brown.
- I am.
165
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:30,586
- So you're guesting?
- Yes.
166
00:06:30,588 --> 00:06:31,986
The kids are on fleek.
You're gonna dig 'em.
167
00:06:31,987 --> 00:06:33,785
- Yeah, yeah.
- You ready to do this?
168
00:06:33,786 --> 00:06:36,617
I'm a little--to--honest,
I'm a little nervous.
169
00:06:36,618 --> 00:06:38,283
- Yeah, great to meet ya.
- Great to meet--
170
00:06:38,284 --> 00:06:39,682
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
171
00:06:39,683 --> 00:06:41,248
- Right on, welcome.
- Right on, welco--
172
00:06:41,249 --> 00:06:42,281
- Right on, welcome.
- Thank you.
173
00:06:42,282 --> 00:06:44,846
And voila.
174
00:06:44,847 --> 00:06:46,745
Hmm?
175
00:06:46,746 --> 00:06:51,309
"Ankle deep in dat dick."
176
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,476
Oh, crap. I forgot about that.
177
00:06:53,476 --> 00:06:56,407
As a representative
of the state of California,
178
00:06:56,408 --> 00:06:57,807
you, Genevieve Russell...
179
00:06:57,808 --> 00:06:59,806
Oh, my friends call me Gene.
180
00:06:59,807 --> 00:07:02,904
Have officially completed the
full term of your house arrest.
181
00:07:02,905 --> 00:07:04,470
You're not my friend. Get it?
182
00:07:04,471 --> 00:07:06,070
In compliance with your parole,
183
00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:09,400
you are obligated
to acquire a job within 30 days.
184
00:07:09,401 --> 00:07:12,066
If not, you will have
to continue your sentence
185
00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:14,964
either in the house, or worse, jail.
186
00:07:14,965 --> 00:07:16,564
What are you talking about?
187
00:07:16,565 --> 00:07:18,064
I was looking forward to the surprise
188
00:07:18,064 --> 00:07:20,228
I was gonna see on your face
at this moment.
189
00:07:20,229 --> 00:07:21,327
Why are you excited about that?
190
00:07:21,328 --> 00:07:23,226
It's just as I pictured it.
191
00:07:23,228 --> 00:07:24,760
In all sincerity,
192
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:26,591
I know this has been
a tough road for you,
193
00:07:26,593 --> 00:07:29,724
and congratulations.
194
00:07:29,725 --> 00:07:33,455
- That means a lot to me--
- [laughs]
195
00:07:33,456 --> 00:07:34,455
Did you just laugh?
196
00:07:34,456 --> 00:07:35,621
I don't think so.
197
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,153
[hip-hop music]
198
00:07:38,154 --> 00:07:39,519
Thank you.
199
00:07:41,951 --> 00:07:45,215
[slow clap]
200
00:07:45,217 --> 00:07:48,648
[all clapping]
201
00:07:48,648 --> 00:07:50,846
Whoo!
202
00:07:50,847 --> 00:07:53,112
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
203
00:07:53,113 --> 00:07:54,445
What's up, dorks?
204
00:07:54,446 --> 00:07:56,377
[all laugh]
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
205
00:07:56,378 --> 00:07:58,043
You're the coolest, Professor Crame.
206
00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:00,375
Oh, cool it, Vance.
207
00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:02,107
But thank ya.
208
00:08:02,108 --> 00:08:04,040
- We have a guest speaker.
- What?
209
00:08:04,041 --> 00:08:05,040
all: Aww.
210
00:08:05,041 --> 00:08:06,372
Guys, be easy.
211
00:08:06,373 --> 00:08:09,604
She's here to talk about weaponry--
212
00:08:09,605 --> 00:08:12,269
exciting--
of the mid-1600s.
213
00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:13,769
I pass the torch.
214
00:08:13,770 --> 00:08:15,968
Give her a round of applause,
the way we do!
215
00:08:15,968 --> 00:08:17,600
[applause]
216
00:08:17,601 --> 00:08:18,799
It's all yours. Take 'em away.
217
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,998
These kids are on fleek. Run.
218
00:08:20,999 --> 00:08:22,197
All right.
219
00:08:22,198 --> 00:08:25,928
Just gonna get this up...
220
00:08:25,929 --> 00:08:26,961
here. [chuckles]
221
00:08:26,963 --> 00:08:29,960
[quiet guitar music]
222
00:08:29,961 --> 00:08:32,492
223
00:08:32,494 --> 00:08:34,626
[sighs]
224
00:08:38,024 --> 00:08:40,721
Oh, it's colder.
225
00:08:40,722 --> 00:08:42,487
Should have brought a jacket.
226
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,486
Tropical fruit bars. Hmm.
227
00:08:45,487 --> 00:08:47,519
Hi, I'm Gene.
228
00:08:49,351 --> 00:08:51,249
"Income tax."
229
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:52,649
Gross.
230
00:08:52,650 --> 00:08:55,980
Oh, yeah, man.
231
00:08:55,981 --> 00:08:58,646
"Help wanted"?
232
00:08:58,647 --> 00:09:02,177
Jobs. Job.
233
00:09:02,178 --> 00:09:04,910
Nah, man, you wish.
234
00:09:04,911 --> 00:09:08,541
[hip-hop music]
235
00:09:08,541 --> 00:09:10,173
Nice pink blanket.
236
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,473
The halberd,
237
00:09:12,474 --> 00:09:13,906
both a sticking knife--
238
00:09:13,906 --> 00:09:17,903
whoa--and a hook axe.
239
00:09:17,904 --> 00:09:24,799
The halberd was also originally
used, funnily enough, for?
240
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:25,865
Anyone?
241
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,964
[cell phone rings]
242
00:09:27,965 --> 00:09:29,130
Would you all--
243
00:09:29,132 --> 00:09:31,197
Guys, turn your phones off.
244
00:09:31,197 --> 00:09:33,728
Uh, have a little respect
for the process.
245
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:35,461
[whispers] I think
I'm just gonna go early.
246
00:09:35,462 --> 00:09:36,860
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
247
00:09:36,861 --> 00:09:39,626
I don't think I'm cut out for--
248
00:09:39,627 --> 00:09:40,892
Earth?
249
00:09:40,893 --> 00:09:44,024
[all laugh]
250
00:09:48,222 --> 00:09:51,319
[laughter becomes slow and distorted]
251
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:55,117
Gene: Remember, Billie: WWMPD.
252
00:09:55,119 --> 00:09:56,817
What would Michelle Pfeiffer do?
253
00:09:56,818 --> 00:09:58,116
Thanks, Gene.
254
00:09:58,117 --> 00:09:59,882
Ms. Brown, is there a problem?
255
00:09:59,883 --> 00:10:02,280
Yeah, her lesson.
256
00:10:02,282 --> 00:10:03,847
Hey, jean jacket.
257
00:10:03,847 --> 00:10:04,846
What?
258
00:10:04,847 --> 00:10:06,379
[Bleep] you.
259
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:08,111
[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" plays]
260
00:10:08,112 --> 00:10:09,210
Y'all think this is funny?
261
00:10:09,211 --> 00:10:11,976
[imitating laughter]
262
00:10:11,977 --> 00:10:14,508
- Take that out of your ears.
- Steven, leave it in.
263
00:10:14,509 --> 00:10:15,940
- He has a hearing aid.
- Oh.
264
00:10:15,943 --> 00:10:17,103
This [bleep] ain't funny.
265
00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:18,976
Ain't nothing funny here.
266
00:10:18,979 --> 00:10:21,431
Do I look like a stand-up comedian?
267
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:23,038
Do you see a brick wall behind me?
268
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,801
Do I resemble Bernie Mac?
269
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:26,605
This [bleep] right here,
270
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,439
this [bleep] right here is real.
271
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:31,993
Okay.
272
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,065
'Cause this is about your minds.
273
00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:36,864
Your dangerous minds.
274
00:10:36,865 --> 00:10:38,530
What?
275
00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:43,593
And I'll tell you what,
gangstas, playas, player hatas--
276
00:10:43,595 --> 00:10:45,727
Don't do that.
277
00:10:47,859 --> 00:10:51,522
- My book.
- Your book is history.
278
00:10:51,524 --> 00:10:53,389
Boom. Y'all feel me?
279
00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:56,354
I'm sorry, what? Do you feel me?
280
00:10:56,355 --> 00:10:58,520
- Yeah.
- Do you feel me?
281
00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,718
Ms. Brown,
do you have anything to teach?
282
00:10:59,719 --> 00:11:02,517
I said, "Do you feel me?"
283
00:11:02,518 --> 00:11:04,683
- all: Yes.
- Cool.
284
00:11:04,684 --> 00:11:06,249
Ms. Brown,
can I speak with you outside
285
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,249
for a minute, please?
286
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,180
Yeah. Come on.
287
00:11:09,181 --> 00:11:11,545
[slow clap]
288
00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:13,479
Don't do it, guys,
unless you want to.
289
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,544
But if you don't want to,
you don't have to do it.
290
00:11:15,545 --> 00:11:17,177
[Bleep] you.
291
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,309
Name? Gene.
292
00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:22,474
Sex? Yes, please.
293
00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:24,972
"Austin Powers" ref.
294
00:11:24,974 --> 00:11:27,172
That's gonna get me the job for sure.
295
00:11:27,172 --> 00:11:28,304
City?
296
00:11:28,306 --> 00:11:29,871
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my gosh.
297
00:11:29,871 --> 00:11:31,370
Oh, I'm so sorry.
298
00:11:31,371 --> 00:11:33,235
- I didn't see you.
- Don't worry.
299
00:11:33,236 --> 00:11:36,433
It happens all day long.
300
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:39,099
- Oh, do you work here?
- Nope.
301
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,231
But I did in Nam.
302
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:44,097
This place really brings me back.
303
00:11:44,098 --> 00:11:45,962
I was a prisoner of war, you know.
304
00:11:45,963 --> 00:11:48,894
I know what you mean.
I sort of was too.
305
00:11:48,895 --> 00:11:51,727
Well, thank you for your service.
306
00:11:51,727 --> 00:11:54,025
Oh, trust me.
You'd know if I serviced you.
307
00:11:54,026 --> 00:11:55,924
[chuckles]
Afternoon burn.
308
00:11:55,925 --> 00:11:58,856
I sit here every day
in awe of how the world
309
00:11:58,857 --> 00:12:01,854
will never know the things I've seen.
310
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:06,185
Unless you've been in our shoes,
there's no way to explain it.
311
00:12:06,187 --> 00:12:08,618
You're right, new Chet.
312
00:12:08,619 --> 00:12:10,250
Cheteran.
313
00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:12,350
We've seen some [bleep].
314
00:12:12,350 --> 00:12:14,214
I saw some this morning.
315
00:12:14,216 --> 00:12:16,547
You ever had a taco
that tastes like a Dorito?
316
00:12:16,548 --> 00:12:19,745
They tell you to conform.
"Go get a job."
317
00:12:19,746 --> 00:12:23,776
Does Uncle Sam call me
and ask me if I'm ready?
318
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:29,841
I've served my time, America,
so I ain't moving.
319
00:12:30,774 --> 00:12:32,839
Come on, Grandpappy.
320
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,571
Let's go home.
321
00:12:34,572 --> 00:12:37,037
Remember what I said.
322
00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:42,967
Hey.
323
00:12:42,968 --> 00:12:46,498
Psych about wanting a job.
324
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,365
I served my time.
325
00:12:50,497 --> 00:12:52,928
We're gonna reject your application.
326
00:12:52,929 --> 00:12:55,260
- Okay.
- Listen. What's the old saying?
327
00:12:55,262 --> 00:12:56,927
"Those who can't teach,
328
00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,725
well, they just live."
- Mm-hmm.
329
00:12:58,727 --> 00:13:00,792
So just live your life, but
you ain't gonna live it here.
330
00:13:00,794 --> 00:13:02,786
Peace. You're dead to me.
331
00:13:05,008 --> 00:13:07,872
Stupid UCLA.
332
00:13:07,872 --> 00:13:09,603
I'll show you, CLA.
333
00:13:09,605 --> 00:13:11,370
[laughter]
- Surprise!
334
00:13:11,371 --> 00:13:13,768
Hey, Rob!
We wanted to throw you and Gene
335
00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:15,668
a little party
for all your hard work,
336
00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:17,600
and I invited all your friends.
337
00:13:17,601 --> 00:13:20,099
See, there's Gene,
and there's Joy over there,
338
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,931
and the ambassador to Palau
right there.
339
00:13:21,932 --> 00:13:23,597
- Great friends.
- Mm-hmm.
340
00:13:23,598 --> 00:13:27,262
I think I'd rather just
go to my room and hang myself.
341
00:13:27,263 --> 00:13:28,661
No, come on, you do that every night.
342
00:13:28,662 --> 00:13:30,426
Attention, everybody.
343
00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:33,125
Our little Robert over here
has had some big news too.
344
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:34,957
- I didn't--I--
- Yes, she did.
345
00:13:34,959 --> 00:13:39,756
She got offered a position
of a professorship at UCLA.
346
00:13:39,756 --> 00:13:41,521
Whoo-hoo!
347
00:13:41,523 --> 00:13:42,921
I guess they do that with women too.
348
00:13:42,922 --> 00:13:44,587
I don't know.
[laughs]
349
00:13:44,587 --> 00:13:46,452
You got that, right?
350
00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:48,484
I--y--
351
00:13:48,485 --> 00:13:49,984
- I did. I got it.
- Yeah.
352
00:13:49,985 --> 00:13:51,782
I got it. [nervous laugh]
Let's party.
353
00:13:51,783 --> 00:13:53,915
[all cheering]
354
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,747
I love parties!
355
00:13:55,748 --> 00:13:57,913
- And Japan.
- You love Japan.
356
00:13:57,914 --> 00:13:59,246
Congratulations.
357
00:13:59,247 --> 00:14:01,478
My nephew is a sophomore at UCLA.
358
00:14:01,479 --> 00:14:04,143
I'll have him take your little class.
359
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,576
Uh, you could, or you could--
360
00:14:05,577 --> 00:14:07,408
and I mean this
in the nicest possible way--
361
00:14:07,409 --> 00:14:10,507
mind your business/
shut the [bleep] up.
362
00:14:10,508 --> 00:14:12,872
Sorry.
363
00:14:12,874 --> 00:14:14,838
Did you know that apparently
I have to get a job
364
00:14:14,839 --> 00:14:16,637
or I go back on house arrest?
365
00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:19,136
Well, too sad, so bad,
Sister Sergeant.
366
00:14:19,137 --> 00:14:21,335
I ain't doing it. It's bull[bleep]!
367
00:14:21,336 --> 00:14:22,901
You want to talk b-[bleep]?
368
00:14:22,902 --> 00:14:25,633
I did what you told me to do.
I Pfeiffed it out.
369
00:14:25,634 --> 00:14:27,832
And thanks to your brain-dead
brain's advice,
370
00:14:27,832 --> 00:14:29,797
my dream job
went down the dream drain.
371
00:14:29,798 --> 00:14:33,295
I am very mad and very upset
about everything you just said,
372
00:14:33,296 --> 00:14:34,728
but I would also like to switch gears
373
00:14:34,729 --> 00:14:36,161
and say how happy I am
that you didn't get it,
374
00:14:36,162 --> 00:14:37,560
because now you can stay with me
375
00:14:37,561 --> 00:14:39,459
and you can go with me
to the Army surplus store,
376
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,358
and I can park my wheelchair,
and you can change my catheter.
377
00:14:41,359 --> 00:14:44,290
I would never, ever stay here,
even if you paid me,
378
00:14:44,291 --> 00:14:46,156
which you already did.
379
00:14:46,157 --> 00:14:50,454
I would rather kill myself than
stay here another day, bitch.
380
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:51,953
Excuse me?
381
00:14:51,954 --> 00:14:53,985
I called you a bitch.
382
00:14:53,986 --> 00:14:56,717
Well, you know what, bitch?
383
00:14:56,718 --> 00:14:59,483
Why don't you get in a car
and find a cliff,
384
00:14:59,484 --> 00:15:04,247
and then, when you find that cliff,
385
00:15:04,248 --> 00:15:05,413
take the car that you're in
and drive off of a cliff,
386
00:15:05,414 --> 00:15:07,612
you freaking bitch?
387
00:15:07,613 --> 00:15:09,511
Good advice. I will.
388
00:15:09,512 --> 00:15:10,710
- And you know what else?
- What?
389
00:15:10,711 --> 00:15:12,409
I'll land in the ocean
390
00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:14,508
because I am smart enough
to build a car that floats,
391
00:15:14,509 --> 00:15:18,773
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" -style,
you [bleep] bitch.
392
00:15:18,774 --> 00:15:21,205
Okay, well, I have
several shark homies
393
00:15:21,206 --> 00:15:23,104
that I can reach out to,
and they could smell you
394
00:15:23,105 --> 00:15:26,502
and lead me to you,
you [bleep] bitch.
395
00:15:26,503 --> 00:15:28,201
Well, then, I'll give 'em
a little shark sleeping pill,
396
00:15:28,203 --> 00:15:30,700
and they'll be all like,
zzz, [chomping],
397
00:15:30,701 --> 00:15:32,399
you Shirley Temple-headed bitch!
398
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,799
I am not a drink!
399
00:15:35,665 --> 00:15:36,996
Cheteran was right.
400
00:15:36,997 --> 00:15:38,995
You have no idea
what I've been through.
401
00:15:38,996 --> 00:15:40,428
And what is that?
402
00:15:40,429 --> 00:15:43,260
3 ounces of weed and a box of honuts?
403
00:15:43,261 --> 00:15:45,526
- What are honuts?
- Donuts for whores.
404
00:15:45,527 --> 00:15:49,524
All right. Attention, everyone.
405
00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:52,723
Tonight is about
my lovely daughter, Gene...
406
00:15:52,724 --> 00:15:54,588
[loud fake cough] The nightmare.
407
00:15:54,589 --> 00:15:57,520
And her brilliant tutor, Roberta.
408
00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:00,486
- [fake cough] The nightmare.
- I already did that.
409
00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:02,718
Now, I understand Robert
has prepared a little something,
410
00:16:02,719 --> 00:16:04,450
- have you, Robert?
- No.
411
00:16:04,451 --> 00:16:05,882
I have something prepared
that's better, so can I...
412
00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:07,948
All right, honey. Yeah, go ahead.
413
00:16:07,949 --> 00:16:11,413
This is better than
whatever Billie was gonna say.
414
00:16:11,414 --> 00:16:15,478
I just wanted to say
thank you to all the people
415
00:16:15,479 --> 00:16:18,377
that helped me through my sentence.
416
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:21,374
Uh, of course there's
my loving father, Dad Russell.
417
00:16:21,376 --> 00:16:23,940
[applause]
418
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:27,439
Um, big ups to my awesome
stepmother from another brother.
419
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:28,938
Where's Tanzy?
420
00:16:28,938 --> 00:16:30,537
You're welcome.
421
00:16:30,538 --> 00:16:32,302
[applause]
422
00:16:32,303 --> 00:16:34,968
Uh, the mail guy
always brought cool letters
423
00:16:34,969 --> 00:16:38,199
and fun coupons, so let's
give it to--give it up for him.
424
00:16:38,201 --> 00:16:39,866
[applause]
425
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:42,631
And, oh, my gosh.
426
00:16:42,632 --> 00:16:45,929
I almost forgot
the most important person.
427
00:16:45,930 --> 00:16:47,562
Wow.
428
00:16:47,562 --> 00:16:50,827
She's the, uh, wind
beneath my chicken wings.
429
00:16:52,627 --> 00:16:55,058
My best friend
430
00:16:55,059 --> 00:16:57,390
and the person I trust the most.
431
00:17:00,289 --> 00:17:01,854
Joy.
432
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,853
[cheers and applause]
433
00:17:03,854 --> 00:17:06,851
- Thanks, Joy. Thank you.
- Excuse me.
434
00:17:06,852 --> 00:17:08,517
- All set?
- Yeah.
435
00:17:08,519 --> 00:17:10,916
And, oh, almost forgot
about Robert's slide show.
436
00:17:10,917 --> 00:17:12,748
- Robert, are you here, bud?
- No!
437
00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:14,481
I've got it, Mr. Russell.
438
00:17:14,482 --> 00:17:16,447
All right.
439
00:17:16,448 --> 00:17:17,613
[gentle music plays]
440
00:17:17,614 --> 00:17:19,679
Oh, that's us.
441
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,612
[laughter]
442
00:17:23,844 --> 00:17:25,176
all: Aww.
443
00:17:25,177 --> 00:17:27,409
That was nice. Nice.
444
00:17:27,410 --> 00:17:29,907
445
00:17:29,908 --> 00:17:32,739
[sirens approach]
446
00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:37,504
Uh, I'm sure
everything's just, uh, fine.
447
00:17:37,504 --> 00:17:38,503
[clears throat]
448
00:17:38,504 --> 00:17:39,569
Sirens!
449
00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:41,267
Hello--evening, officers.
450
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:42,934
- What can I do you for?
- We got a call.
451
00:17:42,935 --> 00:17:44,899
There's a woman looking like
she's gonna jump.
452
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:47,631
- What? Oh!
- Oh, [bleep], Billie.
453
00:17:47,632 --> 00:17:49,764
Ma'am, please do not jump.
454
00:17:49,765 --> 00:17:53,595
I'm not gonna jump, you idiot.
I just needed some air.
455
00:17:53,596 --> 00:17:55,661
Stop looking up my dress, Ambassador.
456
00:17:55,662 --> 00:17:58,059
- I can see you.
- I can't understand the jumper.
457
00:17:58,061 --> 00:18:00,959
Here, give it to me. Give it to me.
458
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,591
Billie.
459
00:18:02,592 --> 00:18:04,523
It's me, Gene,
460
00:18:04,524 --> 00:18:06,855
from when you interviewed
for the babysitter position.
461
00:18:06,856 --> 00:18:08,288
I know who you are.
462
00:18:08,289 --> 00:18:10,320
I'm sorry, okay?
463
00:18:10,321 --> 00:18:11,853
The truth is, no one knows
464
00:18:11,854 --> 00:18:15,218
what I've been through
this year but you,
465
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,883
and I'm scared to death
of moving forward
466
00:18:17,884 --> 00:18:20,849
without you helping me all like,
"Gene, do this,"
467
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,513
or, "Gene, you're allergic to that,"
468
00:18:23,514 --> 00:18:26,479
or, "Gene, you've already seen
'Center Stage, ' remember?
469
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:27,945
"It's the one
about the competing ballerinas
470
00:18:27,946 --> 00:18:29,144
and eating disorders."
471
00:18:29,145 --> 00:18:31,277
No more examples! I get it.
472
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:37,541
Point is, I took it out
on you, and that's not fair.
473
00:18:37,541 --> 00:18:38,939
I need to let you move on,
474
00:18:38,940 --> 00:18:42,637
even if I'm too scared to myself.
475
00:18:42,639 --> 00:18:44,137
I'm scared too.
476
00:18:44,137 --> 00:18:45,169
I can't even hear a word.
477
00:18:45,171 --> 00:18:46,769
- You guys?
- No, uh-uh.
478
00:18:46,769 --> 00:18:48,268
Are you just yawning a lot?
479
00:18:48,269 --> 00:18:50,467
I'm talking. I'm not that far away.
480
00:18:50,468 --> 00:18:53,765
Okay. I'm gonna toss this up.
481
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:54,798
Nice catch.
482
00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:56,830
- Yeah, good deal.
- Yeah.
483
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:59,195
I'm scared too.
484
00:18:59,197 --> 00:19:01,095
I'm scared I'm gonna be a failure--
485
00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:02,960
[alarm goes off]
Oh.
486
00:19:02,961 --> 00:19:05,325
I'm sorry. Weird beep.
487
00:19:05,327 --> 00:19:08,758
[alarm continues]
488
00:19:08,758 --> 00:19:11,589
[crowd gasps]
- Oh. Oh. Oh.
489
00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:12,922
- Oh, got it.
- I'm sorry.
490
00:19:12,923 --> 00:19:14,288
- Go get her.
- Gentlemen, please.
491
00:19:14,289 --> 00:19:15,320
If you could just--
- No, no, no, no.
492
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:16,487
- She's coming in.
- Oh.
493
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,387
- Whoops.
- Hey, pigs!
494
00:19:20,952 --> 00:19:23,450
Uh, [bleep] you.
495
00:19:23,451 --> 00:19:24,916
- Okay, let's go.
- Honey, no.
496
00:19:24,917 --> 00:19:26,815
That's not--
Gene, that's not good.
497
00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:28,248
- I'm so sorry.
- Gene, I'm coming.
498
00:19:28,249 --> 00:19:30,780
- Billie, run!
- Oh, whoa, whoa. Careful.
499
00:19:30,781 --> 00:19:33,178
That's my little girl there.
What's the rush, huh?
500
00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:35,412
Where's the fire, huh?
Why don't you--
501
00:19:35,412 --> 00:19:37,476
I got an idea.
Why don't you both stay, huh?
502
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,975
You can stay,
have a couple of pi?a cop-ladas.
503
00:19:39,977 --> 00:19:42,608
I'm gonna write an amount down
on a little piece of paper.
504
00:19:42,609 --> 00:19:43,907
You're gonna be very happy.
505
00:19:43,908 --> 00:19:46,673
You'll never take us alive!
506
00:19:46,673 --> 00:19:48,105
[laughs]
507
00:19:50,971 --> 00:19:52,835
[laughing] Holy [bleep], Billie!
508
00:19:52,836 --> 00:19:56,600
I can't believe you just did that.
509
00:19:56,602 --> 00:19:57,667
I love you, Billie.
510
00:19:58,167 --> 00:19:59,691
I love you too, Gene.
511
00:20:01,449 --> 00:20:02,747
[sirens, police radio chatter]
512
00:20:02,748 --> 00:20:05,246
[dramatic choral music]
513
00:20:05,248 --> 00:20:07,246
[grunting]
514
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:11,177
515
00:20:11,178 --> 00:20:12,677
Gene!
516
00:20:15,209 --> 00:20:16,907
It won't open.
517
00:20:16,908 --> 00:20:19,040
What are you doing?
518
00:20:20,906 --> 00:20:22,972
Don't get out.
519
00:20:24,836 --> 00:20:28,000
- I was trying to escape.
- Hurry, hurry.
520
00:20:28,002 --> 00:20:29,100
I was trying to go out the back.
521
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,668
- They're coming.
- What?
522
00:20:30,668 --> 00:20:32,266
They're coming!
523
00:20:32,267 --> 00:20:40,397
524
00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:48,058
- So many adventures.
- They're right behind us.
525
00:20:48,059 --> 00:20:50,157
It's like "Bill & Ted's,"
but it's "Bill & Gene's."
526
00:20:50,158 --> 00:20:52,423
It's not us. They went that way.
527
00:20:52,473 --> 00:20:57,023
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