Original subtitles

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Aw, damn it.

This guy I'm playing Words with Friends with

is killing me.

Who is it?

I don't know.

But as a detective, I've cobbled together a profile.

Mid-40s, foul-mouthed, and extremely intelligent.

He's beat me 20 times in a row.

Let's make it 21.

Well, smartass 93-year-old was my second guess.

Hey, Elka, we should play. I'm really good at Scrabble.

You know what my nickname was in high school?

Pizza face?

Back brace? Four eyes?

Yes.

But it was also Word Nerd.

While everyone else was drinking and dancing

at the prom, I was at home playing Scrabble.

With my mom.

Okay, everybody.

You can play your games, but let's keep the competition

at a friendly level.

Remember, Wilbur's staying with us this week.

Oh, I love when your grandson comes to stay.

He is such a sweet little boy.

Yeah, he reminds me of myself at that age

back in Canada.

You know, if he plays his cards right,

he too may one day be captain of the high school

maple tapping team.

Have his pick.

- Of the girls? - No, of the trees.

Well, enough of my glory days.

We still have to figure out our presentation for tomorrow.

It's career day at Wilbur's school.

Bob and I are gonna talk about being detectives.

Shall we head back to the office?

No, you go. I was gonna stop by that place.

Oh, pick me up a thing.

Yeah, but not the one with the stuff.

Ha! No, what a mess.

Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

Wow.

You and Bob almost seem like a couple.

What? No.

I mean, Bob is great, but that special something

is missing.

You know how when you love someone,

there's sort of a glow about them?

An aura?

Yeah. I want a guy that glows too.

I had a guy who glowed.

Sinatra.

Can you get through one day without mentioning

that you slept with Sinatra?

I can. But I won't.

Hello, all.

Hey. Oh, cute outfit.

We went outdoor spinning.

You mean biking?

Don't make it sound cheap.

- You remember Barney. - Hi, everyone.

Vic, I'm gonna go fill up our water bottles.

- Oh, that is so sweet. - This woman is awesome.

Is he a friend of Wilbur's?

You make your jokes, but dating a younger man is fantastic.

You know, coming to Cleveland took a few years off me.

And winning an Oscar took a few more years off me.

If I win a Grammy, I could go to prom.

Or stay home and play Scrabble 'cause that's a fun night too.

Hey, babe. It is so beautiful outside.

What if we kept going and biked the lake route?

Unless you're not up for it.

Oh, no, I'm totally up for it.

No, I'll... I'll meet you out there.

- Bye. - Bye.

What are you waiting for?

Uh, my very young-looking legs seem to have seized up a little.

Finally. George Clooney is starving.

I'm sorry, George.

I have your Cesar Savory Delights.

I think he has a little crush on the dog on the package.

Looks like a boy dog.

Don't judge, Melanie.

Okay, Word Nerd. It's your turn.

Oh, I have a really good word too.

Kahlua.

Oh, I also have a really good recipe for Kahlua.

Then why are we playing this stupid game?

Well, I hate to admit it,

but Barney might be wearing me out.

Really? What'd you do last night?

Ugh, we went to a midnight movie and then dinner after.

I was so tired when the meal came,

I might accidentally have eaten it.

Is there a food called nachos, or was I dreaming?

Victoria, maybe it's time to admit that he's maybe

too young or you're maybe too...

Bup, bup, bup, bup... I cannot hear the end of that sentence.

Well, when you get old, your hearing goes too.

Well, would a person who is old be going to meet her boyfriend

to play laser tag?

Oh, [bleep] my life.

So you see, kids, our detective agency

specializes in cases of...

infidelity.

And this woman here is the best honey trap in the business.

- Bob. - Hmm?

Grandma? What's a honey trap?

Wilbur, let me explain.

Say you're a man and you have a cookie.

And you've had that cookie for a while.

And it's just not making your mouth water anymore.

It's become dried up and... unappetizing.

That doesn't happen to all cookies.

Some retain their gooey freshness.

Oh, yes, they do.

Anyway, kids, you go looking for a new cookie,

your old cookie may get upset.

And hire us.

And the original cookie might get a new car

in the divorce.

That's right, Mrs. Johnson.

It's Miss O'Roarke now.

Are you two married?

Well, that's an interesting question.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

No, uh, we're colleagues.

I'm Wilbur's grandmother, and Bob is Wilbur's... Bob.

It's true. I am his Bob.

Okay, boys and girls. Time to retrieve your lunches.

Thank you for coming in today, Mr. Moore and Ms. Scroggs.

- Here we go. - Ah, thank you.

You guys make the cutest family.

Oh, we're not a family.

I mean, Wilbur and I are related, but Bob is my boss.

Yes.

Like Colin Firth and his Portuguese housekeeper

in Love Actually.

Or Hugh Grant and his assistant, also in Love Actually.

A lot of people end up falling in love with their bosses.

That was the message of that movie.

So, Wilbur, I saw a big kid step on your lunch.

That's Aiden. He does it every day.

I didn't see that. Wilbur, why didn't you tell me?

'Cause big boys don't like to be tattletales,

do they, Wilbur?

Yeah. Sometimes he pushes me down.

You know, if I taught you a little karate,

you could fight back if you had to.

Or you could talk to Aiden and tell him

you don't like being pushed

because fighting doesn't solve things.

Hey, cutie.

Do you want to see the machine that made your milkshake?

Yeah.

Bob?

You know what? I'm gonna talk to Melanie.

She did conflict resolution at her kids' school in LA.

She'll know what to do.

Bullies don't speak conflict resolution.

You've got to talk to them

in the only language they understand.

Force.

This may surprise you, but I once knew someone

- who was bullied. - It's you.

Yes, but that was gonna be the twist ending.

I would like to thank Aiden's parents, Pete and Kim,

for joining us in conflict resolution.

We call this the talking stick.

The person holding it can share their feelings

without any fear of judgment.

I'm confused.

If that's the talking stick, what do we call Joy?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I was up until 4 a.m.

You see, I'm dating this guy

who's 20 years younger than I am.

20 years younger. Really?

Yeah, he's 60.

Elka.

I've got the stick. I can say what I want.

That's not how the stick works.

Pete, would you like to start off?

Sure.

This whole thing feels like a lot of LA nonsense.

This is just a simple case of boys being boys.

Young men have a lot of energy.

Huh, that's for damn sure.

If you ask me, your son needs to learn right from wrong.

Oh. Look who's preaching morality.

Aiden told us that you trap men into doing things

by giving them cookies.

With your legs.

Give me that stick. I can explain.

First off... Yes, Joy has amazing legs.

Long and shapely and one can only imagine

what they'd feel like wrapped around one's shoulders.

Sorry, what was the question?

Why does everyone want boys to act

like well-behaved little girls?

Pete's right.

I have a purse full of pills the pediatrician wants me

to give Aiden.

But I'm not gonna give my kid Adderall.

Adderall, you say?

Isn't that what college kids take to stay up all night?

This is a waste of time.

I say we just let the kids work it out for themselves.

Oh, so you plan to do nothing?

You're happy to just let your evil spawn continue

to bully my grandson?

Let's go, Pete.

Oh, that's great. Just walk away.

Just know that if your little thug lays another hand

on my sweet grandchild...

- Control your wife, Bob. - We're not a couple.

- I'm not his wife. - Not yet.

What are you doing? How is that helpful?

Oh, Joy, calm down.

Oh, my God.

Did you just ask a woman to calm down?

I don't remember. I... I don't think so.

Look, I think we should go back to my plan of Wilbur

defending himself.

I already told you... I don't want that.

Look, we should just sit down together and talk through this.

But we're not together. We're not a couple.

I can't make it any more clear. There is no "we," Bob.

And there never will be.

Okay.

But that doesn't stop me from caring about Wilbur.

That's sweet.

When it comes to us, you have got to move on.

I hear you.

Maybe I ought to head up to Canada for a couple of days.

Take some walks in the woods.

Tap a few trees.

Mmm.

I am much better at Kahlua than I am at Words with Friends.

And the great thing about our Kahlua is I don't feel drunk,

because you put extra coffee in it.

And I don't feel wired because we put extra vodka in it.

Oh, poor Wilbur, being bullied.

You know, I had a bully when I was a kid.

Kaylin Boosalis.

I had a bully too. Adolf Hitler.

You know, I am two Kahluas away from calling that jerk

and giving her a piece of my mind.

In gym class, she used to steal the basketball away from me

and bounce it off my head.

It was the worst.

Did you not hear me say my bully was Hitler?

Hey! You're still up.

Victoria, are you just getting back from your date with Barney?

Oh, it was great.

We went to see a band, and then we danced,

and then we walked home instead of taking a cab.

Where did all this energy come from?

Oh, Barney makes me feel young.

I'm exercising now, so I have my own natural reserves.

Plus, I stole Adderall out of that bully mom's purse.

What?

You stole her pills?

Honey, that's not what they're for.

Elka, can you believe this?

All I got was a Starbucks card from the dad's coat.

Why are you guys stealing from our guests?

Because they didn't bring a hostess gift.

Victoria, you should not need pills to keep up

with your boyfriend.

He should love you for who you are.

Oh, grow up, Melanie.

Nobody loves anybody for who they are.

These pills are the only thing keeping me going.

But I've only got one left, and I need it to get upstairs.

What am I gonna do?

I need to get more Adderall so that I can make it

through Barney's birthday party.

See, he's the first one in our group turning 30,

so it's a big one.

Oh, Joy, honey, I'm sorry. Did we get you up?

No, I couldn't sleep. Just feeling anxious.

About Wilbur?

No, I'm gonna talk to his teacher tomorrow.

Honey, why do you keep checking your phone?

Well, Bob usually texts me at night.

He lays out three pairs of pajamas,

and I pick the ones I like.

I mean, I'm glad he stopped.

It's just weird not to get the text.

It's a little weird either way.

Just admit it. You miss Bob.

It's not that. I'm just used to him.

But I don't want to think about Bob.

I should be concentrating on Wilbur.

You know what might be helpful?

Getting a prescription for Wilbur for Adderall.

What?

I wouldn't give him Adderall.

Oh, and I wouldn't want you to.

And the bully is Aiden.

I'm not surprised.

That kid's a soul patch away from getting expelled.

So what do we do?

The school has a whole process.

Witness reports, evaluations.

I gotta tell you... It could take weeks.

- Weeks? - I'll go get the forms.

Wilbur? Did you throw that snowball?

You're not supposed to let people know your strength.

What?

When you lose your temper, you can really hurt people.

Now I want you to promise never to do it again.

And shake on it. Aww!

Too hard.

You know the doctor said those gamma rays

made you super strong.

Is Wilbur the Hulk?

I'm not allowed to say. But yes.

Just don't make him angry.

Oh.

All right. Enough of that, you go play.

Thank you guys for coming to my birthday.

And thank you, Victoria, for making this happen.

Being with you makes me so happy.

And being with you makes me so... tired.

You passed out in the birthday cake?

Oh, it was awful.

Just as I was thinking, "This is one of the worst moments"

"of my life," the waitress asked me

if I'd be paying for my son's birthday party.

Oh, I'm sorry...

I wasn't there.

So you broke up with Barney?

Yeah.

I mean, dating a younger guy is like driving a convertible.

It's fun at first, but then you realize your hair is a mess,

you're sun burnt, and everyone assumes you rented it anyway.

Hey, Joy. Where you been?

Out driving around.

Trying to sort through some feelings.

I saw it. I saw the aura.

I think I'm in love with Bob.

What changed things?

He clobbered a seven-year-old with a snowball

to protect Wilbur.

It was the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.

- Is the kid hurt? - Who cares?

I'm in love.

And I'm finally seeing what everyone else

was already seeing.

We're a couple.

I used to think, "He's not Simon. He's not Mitch.

He's Bob."

But now I think, "He's not Simon. He's not Mitch.

He's Bob."

She is so gonna say "aw" when she wakes up.

Oh, Bob.

I'm so glad you're here.

Joy, this is a surprise.

There's so much I need to tell you.

I was at the school today,

and I saw what you did for Wilbur.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I know you told me to butt out, but it's just...

he was on my mind the whole time I was in Canada and I just...

No, no. No, I loved it.

And I'm sorry about what I said the other night.

Joy, you never need to apologize to me for anything.

Sure, I cried a few manly tears at first,

but... then in the bracing Saskatchewan cold,

who should I run into but my old girlfriend?

Canadian Joy. She...

Oh. Sorry to interrupt.

No, not at all. You two should meet.

Joy, Joy. Joy, Joy.

- Joy. - Joy.

Hey, babe, I couldn't get the vending machine to work.

Ah, that machine is temperamental.

That's why I treat it like a woman.

Just keep putting money into it till it gives me what I want.

He's funny.

Cut the crap, Cleveland Joy.

I know you want him, but he's mine.

You make one move on him, and I'll chop you up

and feed you to my sled dogs.

Damn, my hand is stuck.

Be right there, Bob. Isn't he cutest?

Say yes and I'll kill you.

Well, that's the last of the Kahlua.

Should we make some more?

Oh, I don't know.

I drunk dialed my old bully last night

and left a long and rambling message.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe she didn't get it.

Hey, Melanie. Are you in there?

It's her. It's my bully.

I guess she got it.

Melanie.

Hi.

Hi, Kaylin. What a surprise.

Well, I got your message, and so I asked my pilot

to stop here on my way to New York.

Your pilot? What, you have a plane?

Well, two.

I am uber successful.

Because I created Uber.

This is for you.

You're not gonna hit me with it, are ya?

Of course not. Think fast!

Oh, God!

Oh, nobody ever flinched like you, Moretti.

It's a gift for you signed by the basketball team I own.

Oh, well, okay,

so it's an apology gift for the way you treated me.

No, no. It's more like a thank-you.

You taught me how great it feels to intimidate

even the most likable person.

You're the reason I'm so successful.

Now give me a hug.

Oh, no. No, I'm not... not gonna hug you.

- I said a hug. - Okay.

Wow. You got boobs.

Never thought that was gonna happen.

Well, guess I got my apology.

Is that what happened?

Yeah, that's how I choose to look at it.

I choose to see the glass as half full.

Not for long.

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