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Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
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Look, I can do it this time.
I can look happy.
3
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:08,100
Try another one.
4
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:13,500
Okay, the winner of the Academy
Award for best supporting actress is...
5
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Helen Mirren.
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00:00:15,084 --> 00:00:16,751
[Bleep].
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Honey, you can't say that on TV.
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Oh, I know.
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Why am I incapable of faking happiness
10
00:00:26,262 --> 00:00:28,180
for other people?
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00:00:28,231 --> 00:00:31,183
Melanie, how do you do it?
12
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I'm not faking it.
13
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I am genuinely happy when others do well.
14
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But... Why?
15
00:00:38,025 --> 00:00:40,692
Well, at least with
Elka sitting next to me,
16
00:00:40,694 --> 00:00:42,777
someone will smile convincingly if I lose.
17
00:00:42,829 --> 00:00:43,862
Again,
18
00:00:43,864 --> 00:00:46,031
Elka is staying in Cleveland.
19
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Her city council election's the same night
20
00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:49,084
as the Oscars.
21
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I'm your date now.
22
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Melanie lost the coin toss.
23
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And I am genuinely happy for you, Joy.
24
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Wow. That was so gracious.
25
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You know, I can do that.
26
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No, no, no. Joy, announce the winner again.
27
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Okay.
28
00:01:01,882 --> 00:01:04,716
And the Academy Award goes to...
29
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Helen Mirren.
30
00:01:05,968 --> 00:01:08,386
[Bleep].
31
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Was that better?
32
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Oh, look!
33
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George Clooney looks so cute.
34
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How did it go at the Latino festival?
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Oh, great.
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They're all gonna vote for me.
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Because you lied to them,
38
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like you lie to everyone.
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She promised them she'd make Spanish
40
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the official language of Cleveland.
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Campaign promises...
They're like Joy's dates.
42
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They do the deed, and then they disappear.
43
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Ooh, hey, while you were out,
44
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did you see the billboards
for my radio show?
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Yes, it's a beautiful picture of you.
46
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Thank you.
47
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It's all part of this new
marketing campaign.
48
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And the station manager...
well, he let me bring this home.
49
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- Oh, wow.
- Gorgeous.
50
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They may have photoshopped it
just a itty-bitty-bitty bit.
51
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Just like you.
52
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It's wonderful you don't care
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what people are saying about it
54
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on photoshopflop.com.
55
00:02:08,581 --> 00:02:11,449
What? What's photoshopflop.com?
56
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It's a website with pictures
of famous people
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before and after they've
"allegedly" been altered.
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Oh, my God.
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They took this totally unflattering
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"before" picture of me
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and posted it right next
to what I really look like.
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Okay, maybe I have gained a few pounds
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since I broke my foot
64
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and I haven't been able to exercise,
65
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but this is just mean.
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I promise, if I'm elected,
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I will see that anyone
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who makes fun of you is killed.
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I appreciate that, Elka, but you know what?
70
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Maybe this is just my wake-up call.
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I am not gonna leave this house
until I look like her.
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[Doorbell rings]
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All I have to do is not eat
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and avoid any emotional triggers
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that are gonna make me want to eat.
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[Chuckles]
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- Hi, baby.
- Oh, my God.
78
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It's my mom.
79
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:04,135
And I'm pretty sure I just gained 5 pounds.
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00:03:10,926 --> 00:03:14,463
- Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk -
- www.addic7ed.com
81
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Look, Melly, when I saw
those awful comments online
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of people calling you fat...
83
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Well, they didn't actually say "fat."
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Did you read all of them? Because I did.
85
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Stupid photoshopflop.com.
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Horrible website.
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I agree.
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Every day I look at it, I'm appalled.
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I'm here to support you any way I can.
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If you're going on a big diet,
I'm going on a big diet.
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00:03:36,928 --> 00:03:38,395
Okay, for dinner, I was thinking
92
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kale and quinoa...
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whoa!
94
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Nobody can start a diet
95
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this late in the day.
96
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It's not safe.
97
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Macaroons, girls?
98
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- Oh, I couldn't.
- Oh, neither could I.
99
00:03:49,357 --> 00:03:50,491
We have to fit into our gowns
100
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for the Academy Awards next week.
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That's right.
102
00:03:53,278 --> 00:03:54,862
Oh, if I was going to the Academy Awards,
103
00:03:54,913 --> 00:03:56,947
I'd be stress-eating like crazy.
104
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And yet look at the two of you.
105
00:03:59,118 --> 00:04:01,118
What's your secret to dealing with stress?
106
00:04:01,169 --> 00:04:02,836
I drink.
107
00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:06,256
I sleep around.
108
00:04:09,594 --> 00:04:12,713
I admire your discipline.
109
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Would you like to see my gown?
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Oh, a sneaek! How exciting!
111
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I'll show you mine too.
112
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Oh!
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What do you think?
114
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I decided to go simple yet stunning.
115
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Wait.
116
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Where have I seen that dress before?
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Oh, that's right.
118
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Tmz.
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Someone leaked the gown
Charlize Theron is wearing.
120
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What?
121
00:04:32,617 --> 00:04:34,618
I'm wearing the same dress
as Charlize Theron?
122
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Oh, don't worry.
123
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It'll look a lot different on her.
124
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Oh, this is a disaster.
125
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I'm going to be the lowest score ever
126
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on "who wore it better?"
127
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I wish I could just know if I won.
128
00:04:47,298 --> 00:04:49,299
Otherwise, I... I'd rather stay in bed.
129
00:04:49,334 --> 00:04:50,834
Oh, like Joan Crawford.
130
00:04:50,836 --> 00:04:52,052
She skipped the awards one year
131
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because she thought she would lose.
132
00:04:53,506 --> 00:04:55,756
Right. I saw that in Mommie Dearest.
133
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The networks put cameras
by her fake sickbed,
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you know, to film her in case she won.
135
00:04:59,845 --> 00:05:02,062
But actresses were crazy back then.
136
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I'll do it.
137
00:05:04,816 --> 00:05:06,099
Oh, thank you, Joan Crawford,
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00:05:06,151 --> 00:05:09,269
for your inspiring example.
139
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,605
You don't hear that very often.
140
00:05:11,656 --> 00:05:13,073
Then it's settled.
141
00:05:13,107 --> 00:05:15,242
The academy will have to come to me.
142
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We are all going to stay in Cleveland.
143
00:05:17,111 --> 00:05:18,912
No one is going to the oscars.
144
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Here it is.
145
00:05:20,999 --> 00:05:22,950
It cost a fortune.
146
00:05:23,001 --> 00:05:25,502
But I've always dreamed
of going to the Academy Awards
147
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ever since I was a little girl,
148
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and now that dream is coming true.
149
00:05:33,761 --> 00:05:35,762
Here, Joy, have a cookie.
150
00:05:41,719 --> 00:05:42,769
Excuse me, sir.
151
00:05:42,804 --> 00:05:47,274
Did you drop this $20 bill?
152
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"Vote Ostrovsky"?
153
00:05:48,476 --> 00:05:51,895
Sounds like good advice.
154
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:57,234
Elka, bad news.
155
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People are saying Councilman Powell
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is buying votes for $10 a piece.
157
00:06:01,656 --> 00:06:04,408
I'm appalled.
158
00:06:04,459 --> 00:06:06,660
I've been paying 20.
159
00:06:06,711 --> 00:06:08,662
It gets worse.
160
00:06:08,713 --> 00:06:11,331
He's holding a big "get
out the vote" rally tonight
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in Port Lee.
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00:06:12,750 --> 00:06:14,051
There's only one bridge
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between here and Port Lee, right?
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Yes.
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00:06:17,338 --> 00:06:20,591
Sounds like it's time
for some traffic problems
166
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on the bridge to Port Lee.
167
00:06:28,816 --> 00:06:31,518
This was a great idea, Victoria.
168
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With elections today
and the Oscars tonight,
169
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I thought we should all free our minds
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and meditate on what's really important.
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Winning.
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Winning gloriously.
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I'm not worried about tonight.
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Elka did a terrible thing.
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She caused a traffic jam
on the bridge to Port Lee.
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How did she do that?
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00:06:53,675 --> 00:06:56,960
She sent a mass email
to thousands of seniors
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saying that's where they could
meet their favorite stars
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00:06:59,347 --> 00:07:01,882
from the weather channel.
180
00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:04,217
I also told them the bridge toll
181
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would be half price
if they paid in pennies.
182
00:07:11,142 --> 00:07:14,144
You know, this mask smells delicious.
183
00:07:14,195 --> 00:07:17,898
Hmm, avocado and honey.
184
00:07:17,949 --> 00:07:22,235
And there's no calories
if it's on your face.
185
00:07:22,287 --> 00:07:24,071
Why is it whenever I'm on a diet,
186
00:07:24,122 --> 00:07:25,739
all I can think about is food?
187
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It's almost lustful.
188
00:07:27,241 --> 00:07:30,377
I saw a study that said that 52% of women
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would choose chocolate over sex.
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00:07:33,131 --> 00:07:34,965
I sure never told a bar of chocolate
191
00:07:34,999 --> 00:07:36,633
I was too sleepy.
192
00:07:36,668 --> 00:07:40,504
[Laughter]
193
00:07:40,555 --> 00:07:42,673
You know, men say they love curves,
194
00:07:42,675 --> 00:07:46,310
but what they're really saying
is, they love boobs.
195
00:07:46,344 --> 00:07:49,146
If Sofia Vergara's breast fat
was in her belly,
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00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:51,648
they wouldn't love her curves so much.
197
00:07:51,683 --> 00:07:53,016
Those things are gonna sag.
198
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Big-time.
199
00:07:54,186 --> 00:07:56,687
Any day now.
200
00:07:56,738 --> 00:07:58,689
And why do we do that?
201
00:07:58,691 --> 00:08:01,074
Judge each other so harshly,
202
00:08:01,109 --> 00:08:03,910
grab magazines with pictures
of celebrity cellulite.
203
00:08:03,945 --> 00:08:05,362
You know what? We women...
204
00:08:05,413 --> 00:08:08,582
we need to create a judgment-free zone.
205
00:08:08,616 --> 00:08:11,702
I'm so glad to hear you say that, Melanie,
206
00:08:11,753 --> 00:08:14,921
because I've been wanting
to share my story.
207
00:08:14,956 --> 00:08:17,341
Growing up, I was so skinny.
208
00:08:17,375 --> 00:08:20,177
I'd eat and eat anything I wanted
209
00:08:20,211 --> 00:08:22,346
and never put on an ounce.
210
00:08:22,380 --> 00:08:24,715
To this day, I have trouble
keeping on weight.
211
00:08:24,717 --> 00:08:30,103
Cheese, French fries, chocolate, wine...
212
00:08:30,138 --> 00:08:32,889
they all fall right off.
213
00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:34,725
Oh, it's so nice to say these things
214
00:08:34,776 --> 00:08:36,810
and not be judged.
215
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:46,319
You know, Melanie, we've been good so far,
216
00:08:46,371 --> 00:08:47,821
and we got the ankle weights on,
217
00:08:47,872 --> 00:08:50,157
so even breathing's an exercise.
218
00:08:50,208 --> 00:08:51,658
We deserve a treat.
219
00:08:51,709 --> 00:08:53,827
How about some frozen yogurt, sprinkles,
220
00:08:53,878 --> 00:08:55,245
and maybe some gummy bears?
221
00:08:55,296 --> 00:08:56,747
No, mom. We're on a diet.
222
00:08:56,798 --> 00:08:58,048
Come on.
223
00:08:58,082 --> 00:09:00,500
Gummy bears... They're practically fruit.
224
00:09:00,551 --> 00:09:03,053
I am not gonna reward myself with food.
225
00:09:03,087 --> 00:09:05,005
You know, you've been
doing that since I was a kid.
226
00:09:05,056 --> 00:09:06,173
Oh, so it's all my fault.
227
00:09:06,224 --> 00:09:07,307
It's always the mother's fault.
228
00:09:07,341 --> 00:09:08,809
No, it's not all your fault.
229
00:09:08,843 --> 00:09:10,594
I'm just saying you're not helping me.
230
00:09:10,596 --> 00:09:11,812
Well, if I'm not helping you,
231
00:09:11,846 --> 00:09:13,430
maybe I should get out of here.
232
00:09:13,481 --> 00:09:15,348
Mom, don't run away from me.
233
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,516
Too late. I'm out of here.
234
00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:18,568
Yeah, well, not if I catch you.
235
00:09:21,606 --> 00:09:23,940
Can you believe she ate her face mask?
236
00:09:23,991 --> 00:09:25,108
Still in the room.
237
00:09:31,590 --> 00:09:34,558
I can't believe it's Oscar night.
238
00:09:34,593 --> 00:09:38,178
Joy, I'm sorry you couldn't wear your gown.
239
00:09:38,230 --> 00:09:40,347
But the good news is,
the white of your uniform
240
00:09:40,398 --> 00:09:43,350
is bouncing light into my hair.
241
00:09:43,401 --> 00:09:45,736
That is good news.
242
00:09:45,770 --> 00:09:47,438
Oh, it's all set.
243
00:09:47,489 --> 00:09:49,823
I have my lovely nurse by my side.
244
00:09:49,858 --> 00:09:52,693
And George Clooney
will be sitting right here
245
00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:55,329
in his adorable doggy
246
00:09:55,363 --> 00:09:59,917
staying put because I put
a little bacon grease on my leg.
247
00:09:59,951 --> 00:10:02,119
Could you open that window just a skosh
248
00:10:02,121 --> 00:10:03,837
so the candles flicker,
249
00:10:03,872 --> 00:10:06,123
making my eyes dance?
250
00:10:06,125 --> 00:10:07,958
[Buzzing]
251
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,711
Now, if I win... And we all know I should...
252
00:10:10,762 --> 00:10:13,213
a red light will appear on that camera,
253
00:10:13,265 --> 00:10:16,133
which will be a direct feed
to the network broadcast.
254
00:10:16,135 --> 00:10:20,187
I gaze at my adoring fans
and despising peers,
255
00:10:20,221 --> 00:10:22,640
make a quick gasp of surprise, like this...
256
00:10:22,642 --> 00:10:24,892
[Gasps]
257
00:10:24,943 --> 00:10:27,778
Bee!
258
00:10:29,147 --> 00:10:31,148
- How'd it go with your mom?
- Oh, terrible.
259
00:10:31,199 --> 00:10:32,733
She's on her way to the airport now.
260
00:10:32,784 --> 00:10:34,902
You know, I tried to have
a reasonable conversation
261
00:10:34,953 --> 00:10:37,404
where I calmly explained to her
that she was the cause
262
00:10:37,455 --> 00:10:40,991
of all my problems,
and somehow she took offense.
263
00:10:41,042 --> 00:10:42,242
[Sighs]
264
00:10:42,294 --> 00:10:43,661
Any election news?
265
00:10:43,712 --> 00:10:44,745
It's neck and neck.
266
00:10:44,796 --> 00:10:46,413
They're talking about Port Lee.
267
00:10:46,464 --> 00:10:48,082
Turn it up.
268
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:49,583
No one can explain why,
269
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:51,669
but traffic is moving very, very slowly
270
00:10:51,671 --> 00:10:55,005
on the bridge to Port Lee.
271
00:10:55,007 --> 00:10:58,592
They can't pin it on me.
272
00:10:58,643 --> 00:11:00,928
[Phone rings]
273
00:11:00,979 --> 00:11:03,263
Mamie Sue Johnson.
274
00:11:03,315 --> 00:11:05,683
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
275
00:11:07,268 --> 00:11:10,270
It's the Plain Dealer.
They're pinning it on you.
276
00:11:13,692 --> 00:11:16,360
They have a copy of the Port Lee email.
277
00:11:16,411 --> 00:11:19,446
Tell them I have
no prior knowledge of this.
278
00:11:19,497 --> 00:11:21,915
Elka Ostrovsky
had no prior knowledge of this.
279
00:11:21,950 --> 00:11:24,251
She's gonna fire the person responsible.
280
00:11:24,285 --> 00:11:26,754
She's going to fire the person responsible.
281
00:11:26,788 --> 00:11:28,088
Mamie Sue Johnson.
282
00:11:28,123 --> 00:11:29,790
Mamie Sue Johnson.
283
00:11:33,928 --> 00:11:35,429
That's me.
284
00:11:35,463 --> 00:11:37,631
You Chris Christie'd me!
285
00:11:41,970 --> 00:11:45,022
It'sust potics.
286
00:11:45,056 --> 00:11:48,192
You know, if I am fired, I should go.
287
00:11:48,226 --> 00:11:50,227
No need to drive me home.
288
00:11:50,229 --> 00:11:52,696
I'll take the bus you threw me under.
289
00:11:54,315 --> 00:11:57,451
Most of the swelling
is on the inside of your mouth.
290
00:11:57,485 --> 00:12:03,374
The rest I made look like
a Cindy Crawford beauty mole.
291
00:12:03,408 --> 00:12:05,576
Well, with lighting, you can hide anything.
292
00:12:05,578 --> 00:12:09,546
Rumor has it, Eva Mendes has a hunchback.
293
00:12:09,581 --> 00:12:12,049
You started that rumor.
294
00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:14,885
And it never caught on the way I'd hoped.
295
00:12:14,919 --> 00:12:16,720
Well, we just need to move all the candles
296
00:12:16,755 --> 00:12:18,756
to the good side of my face.
297
00:12:18,758 --> 00:12:19,923
Careful.
298
00:12:19,925 --> 00:12:21,425
There's a lot of chemicals in the air
299
00:12:21,427 --> 00:12:23,594
from your hair spray,
and it could catch on...
300
00:12:23,596 --> 00:12:25,262
[gasps]
301
00:12:26,731 --> 00:12:27,848
I know. I know.
302
00:12:27,899 --> 00:12:29,433
I shouldn't drink on an empty stomach.
303
00:12:29,484 --> 00:12:32,403
But my mom's not here,
so I can do what I want.
304
00:12:32,437 --> 00:12:34,488
If you're done talking to your wine glass,
305
00:12:34,522 --> 00:12:37,524
I'm trying to hear the TV.
306
00:12:37,575 --> 00:12:39,743
Oh, look, I think
they're going to say who won.
307
00:12:39,778 --> 00:12:42,246
With 80% of the votes counted,
we are calling
308
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,249
the hotly contested
tenth council district race
309
00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:47,251
for Elka Ostrovsky.
310
00:12:47,285 --> 00:12:48,752
You won!
311
00:12:48,787 --> 00:12:50,421
I won?
312
00:12:50,455 --> 00:12:54,591
[Cheering]
313
00:12:54,626 --> 00:12:56,293
What's all the screaming about down here?
314
00:12:56,295 --> 00:12:57,544
Elka won.
315
00:12:57,595 --> 00:12:58,762
Oh, congratulations.
316
00:12:58,797 --> 00:13:00,130
Hey, what's all the screaming
about up there?
317
00:13:00,181 --> 00:13:01,515
Oh, Victoria got stung by a bee,
318
00:13:01,549 --> 00:13:02,633
and her hair caught on fire,
319
00:13:02,684 --> 00:13:04,935
but it's all going to be fine.
320
00:13:04,969 --> 00:13:07,137
We're told that ex-councilman Powell
321
00:13:07,139 --> 00:13:10,691
will be calling Ostrovsky soon
to graciously concede.
322
00:13:10,725 --> 00:13:15,028
[Phone rings]
323
00:13:15,063 --> 00:13:17,481
Hey, Powell.
324
00:13:17,483 --> 00:13:20,651
No, you go to hell.
325
00:13:20,702 --> 00:13:24,037
No, you go to hell.
326
00:13:24,072 --> 00:13:26,790
No, you go to hell!
327
00:13:26,825 --> 00:13:29,660
The turban totally works.
328
00:13:31,963 --> 00:13:36,166
It sells your illness with
classic old Hollywood glamour.
329
00:13:36,168 --> 00:13:39,136
So I might start a trend?
330
00:13:39,170 --> 00:13:42,639
Sure. Why not?
331
00:13:42,674 --> 00:13:44,391
Well, we have an hour to relax.
332
00:13:44,425 --> 00:13:45,676
Check out the live feed.
333
00:13:45,678 --> 00:13:47,261
Let's see what's going on at the oscars.
334
00:13:47,312 --> 00:13:49,730
The academy awards will be right back
335
00:13:49,764 --> 00:13:52,182
with the awards for best sound editing...
336
00:13:52,184 --> 00:13:54,184
Total snooze fest. We got time.
337
00:13:54,186 --> 00:13:56,403
And best actress in a supporting role.
338
00:13:56,437 --> 00:13:57,905
What? Already?
339
00:13:57,939 --> 00:13:59,356
Oh, my God.
340
00:13:59,358 --> 00:14:01,241
You told us your category
wasn't up for another hour.
341
00:14:01,276 --> 00:14:02,693
No, well, that's what they told me.
342
00:14:02,695 --> 00:14:04,161
They said it would be on at 5:30.
343
00:14:04,195 --> 00:14:06,079
And since there's
a four-hour time difference
344
00:14:06,114 --> 00:14:07,998
between actual time and Ohio time...
345
00:14:08,032 --> 00:14:10,501
it's a three-hour difference,
you cotton-headed actress.
346
00:14:10,535 --> 00:14:13,370
Oh, God! I could be on camera any second.
347
00:14:13,372 --> 00:14:15,289
I'm nervous. I need wine.
348
00:14:15,340 --> 00:14:18,125
No. I could be on camera too. I need wine.
349
00:14:18,176 --> 00:14:20,177
[Gasps]
350
00:14:22,975 --> 00:14:24,092
What the hell am I gonna do?
351
00:14:24,143 --> 00:14:25,927
They're about to announce my category.
352
00:14:26,941 --> 00:14:28,058
Don't panic.
353
00:14:28,109 --> 00:14:29,776
We'll just turn your jacket around.
354
00:14:29,810 --> 00:14:31,277
Remember when Celine Dion
355
00:14:31,312 --> 00:14:33,363
wore that backwards tux to the oscars?
356
00:14:33,397 --> 00:14:36,066
She looked like a mentally
challenged caterer.
357
00:14:36,068 --> 00:14:38,902
Yes, but a gorgeous, sexy, young
358
00:14:38,953 --> 00:14:42,122
mentally challenged caterer.
359
00:14:42,156 --> 00:14:44,574
I'm listening.
360
00:14:44,576 --> 00:14:47,577
I share this award
with my assistant sound editor
361
00:14:47,579 --> 00:14:50,497
and best friend, Chelsea Myers.
362
00:14:50,548 --> 00:14:52,082
I couldn't have won without you.
363
00:14:52,084 --> 00:14:54,751
I couldn't have won without mamie sue.
364
00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:57,220
And winning wouldn't be fun without you.
365
00:14:57,254 --> 00:15:01,725
You're right, boring sound guy.
366
00:15:01,759 --> 00:15:04,511
Most of all, I want to thank my mother.
367
00:15:04,562 --> 00:15:08,181
Mom, I'd give anything to
have you here with me tonight.
368
00:15:08,232 --> 00:15:10,650
This is for you. Hug your moms, everyone.
369
00:15:10,684 --> 00:15:12,602
[Applause]
370
00:15:12,653 --> 00:15:14,821
Now boring sound guy is right about me.
371
00:15:14,855 --> 00:15:18,324
But I can't hug my mom
because I chased her away.
372
00:15:18,359 --> 00:15:19,659
And you know who I blame?
373
00:15:19,693 --> 00:15:20,660
Yourself?
374
00:15:20,694 --> 00:15:21,694
No.
375
00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,163
Her.
376
00:15:23,197 --> 00:15:24,664
And this... This unrealistic idea
377
00:15:24,698 --> 00:15:26,583
of what women are supposed to be.
378
00:15:26,617 --> 00:15:28,585
I blame her and... And Hollywood
379
00:15:28,619 --> 00:15:29,753
and... And society!
380
00:15:29,787 --> 00:15:31,538
Everyone but me!
381
00:15:36,927 --> 00:15:38,962
You should eat something.
382
00:15:42,466 --> 00:15:44,467
Ivy Johnson forNight of the Hereafter.
383
00:15:44,469 --> 00:15:45,802
Hurry up.
384
00:15:45,804 --> 00:15:47,887
Can you still see the
wine stains on my sleeves?
385
00:15:47,938 --> 00:15:49,689
No. It's okay.
I'll just tie them behind you.
386
00:15:49,723 --> 00:15:52,025
And Victoria chase forCleveland Rhapsody.
387
00:15:52,059 --> 00:15:54,227
Oh, God. That's me. Hurry.
388
00:15:54,278 --> 00:15:57,614
It's done. You're good.
389
00:15:57,648 --> 00:15:59,365
I can't move my arms.
390
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,534
Do I look like I'm wearing a straitjacket?
391
00:16:01,569 --> 00:16:03,736
No. You're stunning.
392
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,456
And the Oscar goes to Helen Mirren.
393
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:09,993
[Bleep]!
394
00:16:09,995 --> 00:16:11,995
And Victoria Chase.
395
00:16:11,997 --> 00:16:13,163
What?
396
00:16:13,165 --> 00:16:14,297
It's a tie!
397
00:16:14,331 --> 00:16:16,800
[Both scream]
398
00:16:16,834 --> 00:16:17,967
You won!
399
00:16:18,002 --> 00:16:19,669
The red light's on!
400
00:16:19,671 --> 00:16:22,305
We've been on TV the whole time.
401
00:16:29,897 --> 00:16:33,183
Oh, my God.
402
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:38,855
Did Joy get stung by a bee too?
403
00:16:38,906 --> 00:16:40,273
That's her breast.
404
00:16:40,324 --> 00:16:44,611
And look at that audience... judging them.
405
00:16:44,662 --> 00:16:47,614
Well, I'm judging all of you
skinny bitches!
406
00:16:47,665 --> 00:16:51,367
And I find you guilty!
407
00:16:51,418 --> 00:16:53,870
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
408
00:16:53,921 --> 00:16:56,706
Thank you, Academy.
409
00:16:56,757 --> 00:16:59,425
Stop it. Stop it, George Clooney.
410
00:16:59,460 --> 00:17:00,710
I'm sorry.
411
00:17:00,712 --> 00:17:03,012
George Clooney is humping my leg.
412
00:17:03,047 --> 00:17:07,684
'Cause you see, he's attracted
to my bacon smell.
413
00:17:07,718 --> 00:17:09,185
Because he's a dog.
414
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:10,854
George Clooney is a dog.
415
00:17:10,888 --> 00:17:12,689
I'm not crazy!
416
00:17:12,723 --> 00:17:15,808
Nurse, show America George Clooney.
417
00:17:17,444 --> 00:17:20,063
Uh, yes, I wish I could be there
with all of you,
418
00:17:20,114 --> 00:17:22,565
but I donated my liver.
419
00:17:22,616 --> 00:17:26,402
- Kidney.
- Kidney, right.
420
00:17:26,453 --> 00:17:28,288
And while I know I look horrible...
421
00:17:28,322 --> 00:17:30,957
no, you do not look horrible.
422
00:17:30,991 --> 00:17:34,577
Y-you people in Hollywood,
you're the horrible ones.
423
00:17:34,579 --> 00:17:36,079
Melanie, what the hell are you doing?
424
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:37,747
I'm taking a stand.
425
00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:41,000
Shame on you, Hollywood
and all you size zero dresses.
426
00:17:41,051 --> 00:17:44,420
This is what normal looks like.
427
00:17:44,422 --> 00:17:48,391
And, mom, I'm sorry. I... I love you.
428
00:17:48,425 --> 00:17:51,394
I'm sorry, Mamie sue. I'm so sorry.
429
00:17:51,428 --> 00:17:53,229
I shouldn't have thrown you under the bus.
430
00:17:53,264 --> 00:17:54,397
Music!
431
00:17:54,431 --> 00:17:56,900
For the love of God, please, play me off!
432
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:59,936
[Orchestral fanfare]
433
00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:04,167
Oh, thank you, Susan Lucci.
434
00:18:04,169 --> 00:18:06,002
It was so nice of you to call me
435
00:18:06,004 --> 00:18:10,056
and congratulate me on winning an Oscar.
436
00:18:10,091 --> 00:18:13,343
Oh, that's right. I called you.
437
00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:16,062
I can't believe I won an Oscar.
438
00:18:16,097 --> 00:18:18,398
What an amazing night.
439
00:18:18,432 --> 00:18:22,118
To Victoria and Elka.
440
00:18:22,153 --> 00:18:25,822
The only downside was that
a billion people saw my boob.
441
00:18:27,158 --> 00:18:30,026
Oh, stop complaining, Joy.
442
00:18:30,028 --> 00:18:32,078
You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
443
00:18:34,999 --> 00:18:37,334
I thought the whole thing was wonderful,
444
00:18:37,368 --> 00:18:40,871
especially when you came on
and talked about me.
445
00:18:40,922 --> 00:18:43,206
But you didn't have to apologize, Elka.
446
00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:44,875
Oh, yes, I did, Mamie Sue.
447
00:18:44,877 --> 00:18:46,593
You're my best friend.
448
00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:48,178
It was actually kind of exciting
449
00:18:48,212 --> 00:18:52,015
to be at the center of a scandal.
450
00:18:52,049 --> 00:18:56,052
A few of the bad boys from
the senior center friended me.
451
00:19:00,725 --> 00:19:02,392
Thanks for coming back, mom.
452
00:19:02,394 --> 00:19:03,727
Well, I had to after I heard
453
00:19:03,729 --> 00:19:05,562
that acceptance speech at the airport.
454
00:19:05,564 --> 00:19:07,564
I'm so embarrassed. [Chuckles]
455
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,230
All I heard was, "I love you, mom."
456
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,399
Or at least that's what I think you said.
457
00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:15,735
Everyone around me was laughing so hard.
458
00:19:15,786 --> 00:19:17,237
I really am sorry,
459
00:19:17,288 --> 00:19:18,738
'cause I really do appreciate
460
00:19:18,789 --> 00:19:21,624
that you flew all the way
to Ohio to support me.
461
00:19:21,659 --> 00:19:24,127
Well, reading those cruel comments online
462
00:19:24,161 --> 00:19:27,047
reminded me of when you had
your scoliosis brace
463
00:19:27,081 --> 00:19:29,215
in high school and the boys
weren't asking you out
464
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:32,469
and the mean girls were teasing you.
465
00:19:32,503 --> 00:19:35,255
Oh, I miss those days.
466
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,339
What?
467
00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:38,341
I mean, those nights in the kitchen,
468
00:19:38,392 --> 00:19:40,760
talking it out while we made brownies.
469
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:44,064
We were so close, and I loved
making you feel better.
470
00:19:44,098 --> 00:19:46,850
Oh, brownie nights did make me feel better.
471
00:19:46,901 --> 00:19:48,184
And deep-fried twinkie nights...
472
00:19:48,235 --> 00:19:50,070
oh, I felt like I was being hugged
473
00:19:50,072 --> 00:19:52,939
by a thousand cream-filledngels.
474
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:54,407
Okay, in hindsight,
475
00:19:54,442 --> 00:19:56,743
maybe I did reinforce some bad patterns.
476
00:19:56,777 --> 00:19:59,412
Yeah, but maybe I've gotten to an age
477
00:19:59,447 --> 00:20:00,997
where I have to stop blaming my mom
478
00:20:01,031 --> 00:20:02,415
for the things that I do.
479
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:03,867
Oh, sweetie, you're never too old
480
00:20:03,918 --> 00:20:05,118
to blame your mother.
481
00:20:05,169 --> 00:20:06,503
I still blame mine.
482
00:20:06,537 --> 00:20:09,756
Your grandmother was a piece of work.
483
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,458
Yeah, maybe it's all her fault.
484
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,260
I can live with that.
485
00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:17,464
Oh, hey, you two, I know you're dieting,
486
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,215
but would you like some cake and champagne?
487
00:20:19,266 --> 00:20:20,383
Absolutely.
488
00:20:20,434 --> 00:20:21,551
It's a well-known rule
489
00:20:21,602 --> 00:20:24,354
there are no calories in celebration food.
490
00:20:24,388 --> 00:20:26,055
Whose rule is that?
491
00:20:26,107 --> 00:20:27,774
Both: It's a rule.
492
00:20:27,824 --> 00:20:32,374
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