Original subtitles

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

So in the debate,

if Councilman Powell suggests you're too old for city council,

what would you say?

I'd say I feel like an energetic 40-year-old.

In fact, I could go for one right now.

Politics is a dirty business.

Okay, you have got to stop binge-watching

House of cards.

You're not Kevin spacey.

Stop talking to an imaginary camera.

Okay, I'll stop. Fine.

Or will I?

Elka, you can't just wing this.

The winner of this debate has won the last five elections.

I could concentrate a lot better

if I had a cocktail.

Just because the debate is at the bar

doesn't mean you can drink.

The only thing on the table will be a pitcher of water.

You know what looks a lot like a pitcher of water?

A pitcher of vodka.

Just saying.

Well, I'm off to meet J.J.

So is it finally just you and him tonight?

Oh, God, I hope so.

Every time we go out, he invites people

from the nearby tables to come join us.

Well, I suppose tonight

you could reserve all the tables around you with fake names

so that no one else shows up,

but that would be selfish and unethical.

Yes, that would be.

You already did it, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

I just wish I understood why

he doesn't want to be alone with me.

A mystery for the ages.

You always look so elegant.

Every time we go out together,

I feel like lady and the tramp sharing a bowl of spaghetti.

Oh, don't be silly, J.J. I don't eat carbs.

So this is nice, isn't it?

Just the two of us.

Hi, folks. Welcome to Stormi's.

And truly, thanks for coming.

All these empty tables. No-shows.

Who does that?

Anyway, I'm heading out,

but I'll take your drink orders and send your waiter.

- Two vodka Martinis. - Okay.

And, hey, if your shift is over,

why don't you join us?

No, I wouldn't want to interrupt

your romantic dinner.

Be right back.

Jj, have I done something wrong?

Why are you afraid to be alone with me?

Are you not attracted to me?

- I'm nuts about you. - Well, then what is it?

There's something I need to tell you.

See, I started dating my wife when she was nine years old.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

No, no, I was nine years old too.

We were childhood sweethearts. We even waited.

We were virgins on our wedding night.

Oh, that is so sweet and dear and old-fashioned

and so you.

So just the one?

Yeah, just the one woman, but we did it a lot of times.

And she had a subscription to Cosmo,

so we tried stuff.

You're answering questions I'm not asking.

Well, I know you've had more than one.

You've probably had more like seven or eight.

Well, seven or eight are in the number.

And I'm not the kind of guy who likes to admit he's scared.

Well, you don't need to be.

But how about from now on we keep our dates

to just the two of us?

Done. Nobody else.

You know, I was thinking about your kind offer,

and I've been managing this restaurant for 15 years,

and no one's ever asked me to join them before.

Thank you.

And the answer is yes.

So what are we talking about?

We were just talking about feelings

and our relationship

and the ins and outs

of the emotional landscape of our future.

Mm-hmm.

You know what? I forgot.

I do need to get home tonight.

And that's how you get rid of a man

and make him think it's his idea.

Yeah, Elka, I'm at the bar now.

Powell's people want to set the debate up in the main room.

Donald?

Melanie.

Oh, yeah, that English professor

I used to date is here.

Yeah, he does kind of look like buzz Lightyear.

Wow, Donald, hi.

So great to see you. How long's it been?

- Like, two years, maybe. - Wow.

You still look as ravishing as ever.

Well, when you talk like that,

it makes me wonder what we ever broke up about.

Well, it's pedantic to insist,

but one shouldn't end one's sentences

with prepositions.

Now I remember.

Still haven't gotten over your terminal pompousness, huh?

You mean pomposity,

and one doesn't get over terminal things.

Well, you're a terminal pain in the ass,

and I got over you.

Did you?

Okay, just to be clear, it's been a long drought,

so this is purely physical for me.

Well, for me as well.

It's not like I'm getting anything intellectual.

Oh, my God. Okay, you know what?

You have to go.

It may surprise you, given your low opinion of me,

but I am helping Elka out

with her campaign for city council.

Oh, doesn't surprise me one bit.

In fact, I knew the entire time.

I'm coaching her opponent, councilman Powell,

for the debate.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known that.

I think you answered your own question.

I'm like any other guy when it comes

to getting some fleeting, barbarian pleasure.

How's that for some barbarian pleasure?

[Upbeat music]

Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba

Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba

Hey!

Donald is councilman Powell's debate coach.

I just slept with the enemy.

Did you get any secrets out of him?

No, but I may have let one of ours slip.

I may have mentioned that you seem a little crazy

now that you're talking to an imaginary camera.

You talk about Elka while you're having sex?

You know I'm not good at dirty talk.

Well, I found out why J.J.'s been nervous

about being alone with me.

He's never been with another woman

besides his wife.

Really. Only her?

- He's a one-gin. - A one-gin?

It's our term for someone who's one step away

from being a virgin.

We really like each other,

so it's really just a matter of time

before I take his one-ginity.

I'm not sure I could take that kind of pressure,

following somebody who was the love of his life.

Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

And she died,

so everything about her becomes more heightened

and perfect in his mind.

That's how I feel about my night with Sinatra.

Wait, I want people to know about that.

That's how I feel about my night with Sinatra.

I don't want to compete with his wife's memory.

I just need to put that out of my mind.

So if he's a one-gin,

what does that make you, a 10,000-gin?

I wouldn't talk about how much gin one of us has had.

Every now and then, I like to give her a victory.

Wow.

I mean... wow.

- Great night. - Lovely night.

- Should we go upstairs? - We could.

Victoria, I know this is strange,

but I keep thinking my late wife is gonna walk in

and catch me cheating on her.

And I keep thinking about how much you loved her.

And you wrote that beautiful movie about her,

and I just don't know

if I could ever be as good as her.

And I don't know if I could ever be as good

as those seven or eight guys you've been with.

I'm more scared now than when they dropped me

in a rice paddy in 'Nam.

I hope that's not an example of your pillow talk.

[Laughs]

I should be ready for this.

I went to church. I lit a candle.

Sexy.

You know what?

We're both putting too much pressure on ourselves.

You're right. I mean, we're adults.

We can wait.

We'll know when the time is right.

Mm, and when that time comes,

I know my wife will be looking down on us and smiling.

Again, sexy.

How does this keep happening?

I don't even like you.

We were just supposed to discuss the debate ground rules.

Well, we get angry at each other,

and the passion flows.

It's like act three of Tosca

where Puccini so exquisitely captures...

Oh, my God. I don't care.

Can we just get back to the debate, okay?

What is so wrong with using Joy as the moderator?

Melanie, come on.

That is such an obvious ploy it's almost beneath you.

We need somebody impartial

who won't steer the conversation to benefit your candidate.

Stop being so damn stubborn!

I'm not taking clothing advice from a limey bone bag

who shops at sluts fifth Avenue.

Said the geriatric booze bag who shops at forever 91.

You know what?

We're fine with joy as the moderator.

Good evening, Cleveland.

I'm Rejoyla Scroggs, your moderator.

Welcome to the city council debate

between councilman Jim Powell

and challenger Elka Ostrovsky.

[Applause]

With you helping him,

he's gonna sound like a pompous windbag.

With you helping her, she's gonna sound

like an uninformed bubblehead.

I have collected questions from the audience,

and to the gentleman who asked for my number,

I'm flattered

but in a relationship and very happy.

If you want her number, check the men's room wall.

And if you want Elka's number,

check the wall of king tut's tomb.

Now, let's start the debate

with councilman Powell's opening statement.

I'm a disabled African-American

Ohio state football hero,

and no offense, my opponent is not.

You can't run on just that.

The people seem to like it.

Kept me office for ten years.

Well, that's about to change.

You're going down, Powell.

Well, this is nice.

Such a relief not to be thinking about sex.

Huge relief.

I mean, there's nothing erotic about a city council debate.

I couldn't be less turned on.

Now, Elka, would you like to make your opening statement?

More dog parks. Vote Elka.

[Applause]

Shades of Winston Churchill.

On to the next question.

Councilman Powell,

studies show that 20% of local sewer lines

fail to meet municipal standards.

20% below standards.

Now, that's something we wouldn't know

if we were off having sex.

So true.

There's no reason to rush things.

- Now? - Now.

- But we'll miss the debate. - I have a radio in my car.

Next question.

People like a candidate they can relate to.

What makes you the candidate

the people would like to have a drink with?

I wonder who put that one in.

Well, I'm just an Ohio state football hero,

and for you listeners out there,

my opponent is 92 years old,

not exactly the type of person

you want to knock back some cold ones with.

Am I right?

I might try a drink.

I've been known to sip a little Sherry

at Christmas.

Oh, no. Elka can't hold her liquor.

She'll get drunk and embarrass herself.

Well, since the voters have suggested it,

why not have a beer right now?

Or vodka shots.

Seriously?

If that's what the people want.

[Cheers and applause]

Set 'em up. We're doing shots.

It's almost too easy.

Which is why I promise

to find more money for public schools.

[Chuckles]

[Applause]

Councilman Powell, your rebuttal?

She said "butt."

Actually miss Ostrovsky's ludicrous assertion...

That school vouchers could ever be tenable

for this community is nothing more than a flight of fancy

down a carrollian rabbit hole.

Something, something, rabbit hole.

What the hell?

Thank you councilman Powell for that illuminating response.

And for those of you keeping track at home,

that's seven shots of vodka for both candidates.

I'd be very surprised if the presidential debaters

adopted this format.

- That was amazing. - Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

I kind of liked having a stick shift

poking in my ribs again.

You know, we spent so much time

trying to be adult about everything

when it turns out we just had to be a couple of teenagers.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes, let's go back to my place

and enjoy some silk sheets and champagne.

Now we can be a couple of teenagers with money.

Actually my response to your thought-provoking query

might just surprise you.

There you are, Donald.

Melanie.

You look so sexy

I don't think I can keep my hands off you.

Oh. That feels good.

Oh, that feels good.

Don't stop.

Wait until I get you home, you dirty little girl.

Councilman Powell? Councilman Powell?

I told you he was going down.

Unfortunately councilman Powell

has fallen ill.

I'm sure he would want to remind you

that he is a disabled African-American

Ohio state football hero.

Well, seeing as we only have one candidate

who is still conscious,

it looks like the debate is over,

so by default...

Not so fast,Downton abbey.

Who are you?

I am councilman Powell's aunt Esther Jean Johnson.

- I will take his place. - She can't do that.

Actually, sub clause 8.3 allows for substitutions.

I've read the bylaws.

"I've read the bylaws."

All right.

Councilman Powell, when you were elected,

you promised to put lights up in the park baseball fields.

- Why hasn't that happened? - What?

I told him to do that.

I also told him to go to church every Sunday,

but he didn't do that either.

Oh, that boy gets me riled.

Right, next question.

You know what the problem is with young people?

Is they don't understand hard work.

They ask, "how much do I get to mow the lawn?"

And then I ask, "well, what do I get for not whupping you?"

Preaching to the choir.

And don't get me started on young men in coffee shops

ordering them nonfat decaf soy lattes.

Cowboy up and order some milk.

Is that really a pressing problem?

Well, who asked you, skinny-ass Mary Poppins?

That's a good one.

And what about men who say they'll call you

but they don't?

They will if I'm elected.

I like your style, honey child.

But why do you have to run against my nephew?

Can't you run against someone else?

Your nephew wants to close all the dog parks.

What? Oh, hell no.

I take my dogs to the park every day.

Now, where are Bling and Teddy Pendergrass

supposed to do their business?

That's what I'm saying.

Everybody, I am changing my vote.

Councilman Powell's Beyonce look-alike aunt...

- What? - It'll be on the radio.

They can't see.

Anyway, I'm supporting Elka, and you should too.

[Cheers and applause]

Now, stand up and give me a hug.

I am standing up.

Oh, well, then just give me some sugar.

Out of my way, London bridge.

[Applause]

And that's how you do politics.

Congratulations, Elka.

You fired up the cranky old lady vote.

There's gonna be a lot of cars

driving very slowly to the polls.

I'm no hero.

I'm just a 92-year-old woman who had 10 shots of vodka.

And congratulations to you, Victoria.

You and J.J. finally got together.

I'm no hero.

I'm just a 10-year-old woman who had 92 shots of vodka.

You know, you try to be so careful and mature,

but sometimes you just have to do

what comes naturally and repeatedly.

You really like him, don't you?

I do.

Yeah, I think we were both just afraid

because we see a future in this,

and we don't want to make a mistake.

Well, maybe I'm so afraid of making a mistake

that I'm choosing men I have no future with.

I just want to wake up with someone I can stand.

I have that with Mitch. I'm gonna call him.

Yeah, I'm gonna call J.J..

I'm gonna call Donald.

- Donald! - Yes, milady.

- He's here? - Yeah, he's upstairs.

I'll choose a man I have a future with tomorrow.

With apologies to the bard, pray borrow cupid's wings,

soar with them above to this our common bed.

[Sighs] He's such a schmuck.

Coming

So, should we call it a night?

I'm no hero.

I'm just a 92-year-old vodka who had 10 shots of women

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