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1
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Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
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You've got to see the text
message Mitch just sent me.
3
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,900
And tell me there's not a
yearning sexual undertone.
4
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,300
That thai food we had for lunch
gave me an upset stomach.
5
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:19,900
He's thinking about my body.
6
00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:26,200
Oh I know I'm reaching, but it's the
warmest text he ever sent me.
7
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,900
We're friends, but I wanna
be more than friends.
8
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:32,068
I want to be naked friends.
9
00:00:32,102 --> 00:00:33,353
What do I do?
10
00:00:33,355 --> 00:00:36,189
I say we have some coffee
and talk about it.
11
00:00:36,191 --> 00:00:37,940
Joy, your nonfat latte,
12
00:00:37,992 --> 00:00:40,860
nonfat Macchiato for Victoria, and...
13
00:00:40,862 --> 00:00:45,415
Ha, once again "Melody's"
black coffee has full fat cream.
14
00:00:45,449 --> 00:00:46,949
They never get my order right!
15
00:00:47,001 --> 00:00:48,751
Or your name. Why don't you complain?
16
00:00:48,786 --> 00:00:50,586
Oh, you know I can't complain to anyone.
17
00:00:50,621 --> 00:00:54,457
Do we? You're complaining to us right now.
18
00:00:54,508 --> 00:00:57,377
But I know what will make both
of your problems
19
00:00:57,379 --> 00:00:59,178
seem silly and insignificant.
20
00:00:59,213 --> 00:01:01,431
My problems.
21
00:01:01,465 --> 00:01:03,966
I am suddenly too in-demand as an actress.
22
00:01:04,018 --> 00:01:06,352
I don't know which
of these scripts to choose.
23
00:01:06,387 --> 00:01:07,887
I mean, the next project you pick
24
00:01:07,889 --> 00:01:10,023
after an Oscar nomination is crucial.
25
00:01:10,057 --> 00:01:12,692
Shut...Up.
26
00:01:12,726 --> 00:01:15,228
Well, you certainly
are getting more comfortable
27
00:01:15,279 --> 00:01:16,729
with that complaining thing.
28
00:01:16,731 --> 00:01:19,065
No, no. Look at your coffee sleeves.
29
00:01:20,701 --> 00:01:22,235
What?
30
00:01:22,286 --> 00:01:26,539
"The Devil's Due, an original
play by Elka Ostrovsky"?
31
00:01:26,573 --> 00:01:28,908
Could this be our Elka Ostrovsky?
32
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Please don't tell me there's more than one.
33
00:01:31,578 --> 00:01:34,213
Are we so self-involved
that we haven't noticed
34
00:01:34,248 --> 00:01:36,382
that someone living in our house
has written, directed,
35
00:01:36,417 --> 00:01:37,750
and produced a play?
36
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:40,086
You know I don't like
questions that begin with
37
00:01:40,137 --> 00:01:43,339
"are we so self-involved."
38
00:01:43,390 --> 00:01:45,308
The answer is always yes.
39
00:01:45,342 --> 00:01:46,809
Oh, here we go.
40
00:01:46,844 --> 00:01:48,261
Listen to this.
41
00:01:48,312 --> 00:01:50,263
The Cleveland Plain Dealer
calls Elka's play
42
00:01:50,314 --> 00:01:52,014
"hilarious and insightful."
43
00:01:52,066 --> 00:01:55,601
There's a matinee
performance in 20 minutes.
44
00:02:00,858 --> 00:02:02,492
[Chuckles] It's Elka.
45
00:02:02,526 --> 00:02:04,944
"When I was a young girl in Poland,
46
00:02:04,995 --> 00:02:07,530
"just before World War II,
47
00:02:07,581 --> 00:02:12,034
"I called out to the night sky
that I would give up anything
48
00:02:12,086 --> 00:02:15,538
"if my family and I could escape.
49
00:02:15,589 --> 00:02:20,042
"A shadowy figure came
and offered me a chance,
50
00:02:20,094 --> 00:02:23,012
"but there was a price attached.
51
00:02:23,046 --> 00:02:26,632
"I thought he had forgotten...
52
00:02:26,683 --> 00:02:29,769
But the devil always gets his due."
53
00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:34,357
[Gasps]
54
00:02:34,391 --> 00:02:36,476
That's our living room.
Is this play about us?
55
00:02:36,478 --> 00:02:39,228
[Knock at door]
56
00:02:39,279 --> 00:02:42,148
- Welcome.
- Hi. I'm Melanie.
57
00:02:42,199 --> 00:02:46,786
Oh, my God, I love this place!
I'm moving to Cleveland.
58
00:02:46,820 --> 00:02:49,071
It's all so exciting,
because we're still hot here...
59
00:02:49,123 --> 00:02:50,456
so hot.
60
00:02:50,491 --> 00:02:55,294
We're young and beautiful again,
and we can pass for 25.
61
00:02:55,329 --> 00:02:56,746
[Audience laughing]
62
00:02:56,797 --> 00:02:59,665
Why are they laughing?
63
00:02:59,716 --> 00:03:02,084
Am I talking too much?
Some people say I talk too much.
64
00:03:02,136 --> 00:03:04,387
Do you think I talk too much?
I don't think I talk too much.
65
00:03:04,421 --> 00:03:08,558
Do I talk like that?
I don't think I talk like that.
66
00:03:08,592 --> 00:03:10,143
And if I am talking too much,
67
00:03:10,177 --> 00:03:12,395
it's because I really, really,
really need people to like me.
68
00:03:12,429 --> 00:03:15,765
You like me, right? Please like me.
69
00:03:17,684 --> 00:03:21,521
I have a major announcement to make.
70
00:03:21,572 --> 00:03:23,189
My career is in the toilet,
71
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,691
so I'm considering moving to Cleveland,
72
00:03:25,742 --> 00:03:28,995
though I can hardly imagine
living in Wisconsin.
73
00:03:29,029 --> 00:03:30,530
[Audience laughing]
74
00:03:30,581 --> 00:03:32,331
Again, why are they laughing?
75
00:03:32,366 --> 00:03:36,536
- Cleveland is in Ohio.
- Are you sure?
76
00:03:36,538 --> 00:03:38,921
- I wonder what's keeping joy.
- Oh, here she comes.
77
00:03:38,956 --> 00:03:41,174
All right, Joy, brace yourself.
78
00:03:41,208 --> 00:03:42,258
Expect the worst.
79
00:03:42,292 --> 00:03:45,878
[Cockney accent] Hello, hello.
80
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,465
Didn't brace myself enough.
81
00:03:49,516 --> 00:03:51,851
Sorry I'm late, duckies,
but I didn't have a fiver,
82
00:03:51,885 --> 00:03:54,387
so I had to have sex with me cabbie.
83
00:03:54,389 --> 00:03:56,689
Oh, would you fancy having sex with me?
84
00:03:56,723 --> 00:04:00,443
You won't leave me, will you?
Most blokes do.
85
00:04:00,477 --> 00:04:02,612
[Audience laughing]
86
00:04:02,646 --> 00:04:04,730
No one's going to leave you,
because we're so hot here.
87
00:04:04,732 --> 00:04:07,149
Some guy called me "miss,"
and he wasn't elderly,
88
00:04:07,201 --> 00:04:10,036
gay, or using it ironically.
89
00:04:10,070 --> 00:04:12,455
I'm an ingenue again.
90
00:04:12,489 --> 00:04:15,408
[Audience laughing]
91
00:04:15,459 --> 00:04:18,744
Some chap called me
"cutie pie," he did. He did!
92
00:04:18,795 --> 00:04:22,915
But then he noticed me big hands
and said, "sorry, mister."
93
00:04:22,966 --> 00:04:24,667
I had sex with him anyways.
94
00:04:24,718 --> 00:04:26,919
Can we please change the subject to me,
95
00:04:26,970 --> 00:04:28,337
the famous actress?
96
00:04:28,388 --> 00:04:30,890
Me, me, me!
97
00:04:30,924 --> 00:04:33,392
- Are you famous?
- Yes, very.
98
00:04:33,427 --> 00:04:34,560
I'm a soap opera actress.
99
00:04:34,595 --> 00:04:37,430
Oh, do you know Susan Lucci?
100
00:04:37,481 --> 00:04:40,149
[Audience clapping]
101
00:04:40,183 --> 00:04:44,103
- Lucci!
- Lucci!
102
00:04:44,105 --> 00:04:47,490
Ladies, this place comes with a caretaker.
103
00:04:47,524 --> 00:04:50,276
Elka, could you come in here for a moment?
104
00:04:54,448 --> 00:04:57,583
Why are you renting to prostitutes?
105
00:04:57,618 --> 00:04:59,619
[Audience laughing]
106
00:05:03,423 --> 00:05:06,042
[Upbeat music]
107
00:05:08,428 --> 00:05:12,214
- Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk -
- www.addic7ed.com -
108
00:05:12,266 --> 00:05:14,133
Elka, you made us look like fools!
109
00:05:14,184 --> 00:05:17,470
You write what you know.
110
00:05:17,472 --> 00:05:19,722
I'm being played by a man!
111
00:05:21,224 --> 00:05:23,643
He was the only actor
with a flat-enough chest
112
00:05:23,645 --> 00:05:25,394
and big-enough hands.
113
00:05:27,564 --> 00:05:29,398
This play is slander!
114
00:05:29,449 --> 00:05:32,785
The critics disagree.
115
00:05:32,819 --> 00:05:35,121
"Act two is a roller-coaster ride.
116
00:05:35,155 --> 00:05:39,825
Three desperate women hurtling
towards middle-aged insanity."
117
00:05:39,827 --> 00:05:43,829
You might not want to stay for that.
118
00:05:43,831 --> 00:05:46,299
- Oh, we're leaving.
- Good.
119
00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:48,668
I've got to go see my actors.
120
00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:51,887
They want to discuss their characters.
121
00:05:51,922 --> 00:05:53,422
And what's wrong with that?
122
00:05:53,473 --> 00:05:58,010
If God wanted actors to think,
he would have given them brains.
123
00:05:59,262 --> 00:06:03,349
- You realize I'm an actor.
- I do.
124
00:06:07,237 --> 00:06:09,689
What's our recourse here?
This is so humiliating.
125
00:06:09,691 --> 00:06:11,023
She got us all wrong!
126
00:06:11,074 --> 00:06:13,609
Elka exaggerated all of us,
but let's be honest.
127
00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:15,328
She did the worst hatchet job on me.
128
00:06:15,362 --> 00:06:17,413
She made me sound like a babbling wimp.
129
00:06:17,447 --> 00:06:19,582
She called me egotistical and conceited.
130
00:06:19,616 --> 00:06:22,868
Me, me, me!
131
00:06:22,870 --> 00:06:25,705
I don't know what either
of you are complaining about.
132
00:06:25,707 --> 00:06:27,206
I'm the one being played by a man!
133
00:06:27,208 --> 00:06:28,624
All right, now, look,
134
00:06:28,675 --> 00:06:32,011
arguing amongst ourselves
isn't going to fix anything.
135
00:06:32,045 --> 00:06:33,346
Now, if can change the writing,
136
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:34,680
we'll just have to meet with the actors
137
00:06:34,715 --> 00:06:36,599
- and change the acting.
- Yes.
138
00:06:36,633 --> 00:06:37,933
My character should be less wimpy.
139
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:39,885
And mine less self-centered.
140
00:06:39,887 --> 00:06:42,805
But how exactly will I fix mine?
141
00:06:42,856 --> 00:06:45,608
I'm being played by a man...
142
00:06:45,642 --> 00:06:50,396
Whose shorts are so short,
his junk is showing.
143
00:06:50,398 --> 00:06:52,982
Well, they are your shorts, Joy.
144
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:55,901
I know.
145
00:06:58,630 --> 00:07:00,097
I just thought by knowing me better,
146
00:07:00,132 --> 00:07:03,634
your portrayal of me, which is,
of course, great already,
147
00:07:03,685 --> 00:07:04,886
could be even greater.
148
00:07:04,888 --> 00:07:07,605
- So do you have any questions?
- I do.
149
00:07:07,639 --> 00:07:11,108
Do you think you could talk Elka
into giving me a better part?
150
00:07:11,143 --> 00:07:14,228
What? But you're playing Melanie.
151
00:07:14,279 --> 00:07:15,613
Everybody likes Melanie.
152
00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:17,899
She's the glue that keeps
everything together.
153
00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:21,485
Who wants to play glue?
It's white and bland and drippy.
154
00:07:21,537 --> 00:07:23,538
And perky.
155
00:07:23,572 --> 00:07:25,323
Look, don't take this personally.
156
00:07:25,374 --> 00:07:27,909
This play is obviously a huge
exaggeration of who you are.
157
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,327
Thank you.
158
00:07:29,378 --> 00:07:31,996
I mean, no one could be
that much of a pathetic wuss.
159
00:07:32,047 --> 00:07:34,248
You got that right.
The real Melanie Moretti...
160
00:07:34,299 --> 00:07:36,834
she stands up for herself all the time.
161
00:07:36,885 --> 00:07:39,170
Here's your latte.
162
00:07:39,221 --> 00:07:43,341
And, Melody, here's your Chai mint-accino.
163
00:07:43,392 --> 00:07:44,559
That's not what you ordered.
164
00:07:44,593 --> 00:07:46,093
Why didn't you complain and send it back?
165
00:07:46,095 --> 00:07:48,512
Oh, my God.
166
00:07:48,564 --> 00:07:51,065
You are that big of a pathetic wuss.
167
00:07:51,099 --> 00:07:53,768
No, I'm an optimist.
168
00:07:53,770 --> 00:07:55,903
I, uh... I may end up liking this drink
169
00:07:55,938 --> 00:07:57,688
even more than what I originally ordered.
170
00:07:57,739 --> 00:08:01,108
And that's how I look at life.
I see the glass as half full.
171
00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:03,861
I see it as all the way full
of crap you don't want.
172
00:08:06,531 --> 00:08:08,950
How do you like it?
173
00:08:09,001 --> 00:08:11,168
So good.
174
00:08:13,538 --> 00:08:15,840
Oh, Elizabeth, thank you for coming.
175
00:08:15,874 --> 00:08:18,175
- Victoria.
- Yes.
176
00:08:18,210 --> 00:08:21,796
My name is Victoria. Victoria Chase.
177
00:08:21,847 --> 00:08:23,764
And until this play comes to an end,
178
00:08:23,799 --> 00:08:27,051
this Elizabeth person you speak
of will cease to exist.
179
00:08:27,102 --> 00:08:29,720
Well, I can't help
but respect your process.
180
00:08:29,771 --> 00:08:31,472
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
181
00:08:31,523 --> 00:08:33,441
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
182
00:08:33,475 --> 00:08:34,525
Thank you.
183
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:36,694
And scene.
184
00:08:41,149 --> 00:08:43,567
Look, the way the others are portrayed,
185
00:08:43,619 --> 00:08:46,120
it... it doesn't matter, they're non-pros.
186
00:08:46,154 --> 00:08:49,490
But for me, how I'm portrayed
could influence
187
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:51,208
the way I'm seen by Oscar voters.
188
00:08:51,243 --> 00:08:52,410
Yes.
189
00:08:52,461 --> 00:08:54,495
Everything I do right now
must be calculated
190
00:08:54,546 --> 00:08:55,880
to get my next accolade.
191
00:08:55,914 --> 00:08:57,465
Wow.
192
00:08:57,499 --> 00:09:00,885
You really do know me.
193
00:09:00,919 --> 00:09:02,887
Uh, listen, Victoria,
194
00:09:02,921 --> 00:09:05,139
there is something you could help me with.
195
00:09:05,173 --> 00:09:07,224
I have this pile of scripts
196
00:09:07,259 --> 00:09:09,010
that I have to choose
my next project from...
197
00:09:09,012 --> 00:09:12,897
and I must choose the exact
right one to propel my career
198
00:09:12,931 --> 00:09:14,231
to the next level.
199
00:09:14,266 --> 00:09:16,984
I need to use bribery,
blackmail, anything it takes
200
00:09:17,019 --> 00:09:19,770
to get the role everybody else wants.
201
00:09:19,821 --> 00:09:22,106
I... I'm not sure I would do all that.
202
00:09:22,157 --> 00:09:24,358
Yes, I would.
203
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,744
No, but... but don't we want a part
204
00:09:26,778 --> 00:09:29,196
that we could really be good in?
205
00:09:29,198 --> 00:09:31,782
I'm so proud of the work that
I did in Cleveland Rhapsody,
206
00:09:31,833 --> 00:09:34,118
and I'd just really like
to continue to do good work.
207
00:09:34,169 --> 00:09:37,621
"Good work"? That's not important.
208
00:09:37,673 --> 00:09:39,290
It's the awards that matter.
209
00:09:39,341 --> 00:09:41,509
I'd sacrifice anything...
210
00:09:41,543 --> 00:09:44,545
my relationships, my friends,
my two children.
211
00:09:44,547 --> 00:09:48,049
You don't even know
how many children we have!
212
00:09:48,051 --> 00:09:51,218
And I'm pretty sure it's three.
213
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:53,387
And I don't like the way you're acting.
214
00:09:53,389 --> 00:09:56,557
You're making me seem
selfish and... and unlikable.
215
00:09:56,559 --> 00:09:58,559
Isn't that what we're going for?
216
00:09:58,610 --> 00:09:59,560
No.
217
00:09:59,611 --> 00:10:01,562
Look, I want you to go.
218
00:10:01,613 --> 00:10:04,648
All right, I'm leaving, but
not without making a scene
219
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,867
and slamming the door.
220
00:10:06,902 --> 00:10:09,537
I never should have moved to Kentucky!
221
00:10:13,575 --> 00:10:16,077
Cleveland is in Ohio, you idiot.
222
00:10:16,128 --> 00:10:18,079
Kentucky is in Indiana.
223
00:10:24,252 --> 00:10:25,970
- Hello.
- Hello.
224
00:10:26,004 --> 00:10:28,723
I'm Joy, Joy Scroggs.
225
00:10:28,757 --> 00:10:30,391
I'm Jay, Jay Grepps.
226
00:10:30,425 --> 00:10:34,261
I... I just want you to know
how much I love playing Joy.
227
00:10:34,263 --> 00:10:37,264
- Well, I appreciate that, but...
- I completely understand you.
228
00:10:37,315 --> 00:10:39,100
In many ways, we're a lot alike.
229
00:10:39,102 --> 00:10:41,235
I mean, you can't keep a man,
and I can't keep a woman.
230
00:10:41,269 --> 00:10:43,320
Yet, we have this fairy-tale view
231
00:10:43,355 --> 00:10:45,740
that true love is out there.
232
00:10:45,774 --> 00:10:48,442
We may be bitter and cynical about it.
233
00:10:48,444 --> 00:10:51,195
I have been known to be bitter.
234
00:10:51,246 --> 00:10:53,748
But there's a sadness behind it.
235
00:10:53,782 --> 00:10:57,084
For me, I think it stems from
being abandoned by my mother.
236
00:10:57,119 --> 00:10:59,703
I was abandoned by my father.
237
00:10:59,755 --> 00:11:03,424
It's made me mistrustful,
sometimes even vindictive.
238
00:11:03,458 --> 00:11:04,959
Me too.
239
00:11:05,010 --> 00:11:06,710
[Both chuckle]
240
00:11:06,762 --> 00:11:10,014
How many restraining orders
have you had against you?
241
00:11:10,048 --> 00:11:11,966
Let's answer at the same time.
242
00:11:11,968 --> 00:11:14,135
Both: Seven.
243
00:11:14,137 --> 00:11:15,636
[Both laugh]
244
00:11:15,638 --> 00:11:19,106
Both: Actually, nine.
245
00:11:19,141 --> 00:11:21,308
Wow.
246
00:11:21,359 --> 00:11:23,611
Wow.
247
00:11:25,814 --> 00:11:27,982
- Are you ripping up scripts?
- Not quite.
248
00:11:27,984 --> 00:11:29,984
I met with the actress who's playing me,
249
00:11:30,035 --> 00:11:31,535
with the intention of changing her,
250
00:11:31,570 --> 00:11:34,038
but maybe I'm the one who needs to change.
251
00:11:34,072 --> 00:11:35,623
So I've taken off
252
00:11:35,657 --> 00:11:37,992
all the cover pages,
and I'm going to choose
253
00:11:37,994 --> 00:11:41,162
my next script based
on the material inside,
254
00:11:41,164 --> 00:11:43,581
not what famous name might be on the cover
255
00:11:43,632 --> 00:11:46,167
or what awards it might bring me.
256
00:11:46,169 --> 00:11:48,169
Sorry. [Grunts]
257
00:11:48,171 --> 00:11:52,173
My throat just closed up
a little when I said that.
258
00:11:52,175 --> 00:11:57,011
That's a great idea, Victoria.
Good for you.
259
00:11:57,013 --> 00:11:59,346
And they got my order wrong again.
260
00:11:59,397 --> 00:12:00,598
Okay, you know what? That's it.
261
00:12:00,649 --> 00:12:02,516
If you can change, so can I.
262
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:05,019
I am going to straighten
this out once and for all,
263
00:12:05,021 --> 00:12:06,737
even if they don't like me for it.
264
00:12:06,771 --> 00:12:08,823
Take that, judgey actress playing me!
265
00:12:08,857 --> 00:12:11,358
Don't tell her I said that.
266
00:12:13,195 --> 00:12:14,612
Well...
267
00:12:14,663 --> 00:12:17,531
If it isn't tweedle dum and tweedle dumber.
268
00:12:22,087 --> 00:12:25,206
Not bad, but it sounded a little written.
269
00:12:25,257 --> 00:12:27,925
Oh, I felt that. Now, what about the walk?
270
00:12:31,713 --> 00:12:34,215
Put your hips into it.
271
00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:45,309
I'm just trying to sharpen
my performance fordevil's due.
272
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,063
Elka has written such a brilliant play.
273
00:12:49,065 --> 00:12:52,199
But she might just have
to rewrite her play.
274
00:12:52,234 --> 00:12:56,036
Melanie and I have changed.
I am no longer self-centered
275
00:12:56,071 --> 00:13:00,241
- and I am no longer wimpy.
- And I am no longer listening.
276
00:13:00,243 --> 00:13:03,160
Now you're getting it.
277
00:13:04,379 --> 00:13:06,997
- [Clears throat]
- Hi, melody. Your usual?
278
00:13:07,048 --> 00:13:08,883
Uh, actually, my name is Melanie.
279
00:13:08,917 --> 00:13:12,670
And you have not gotten my "usual" right
280
00:13:12,721 --> 00:13:14,471
for the last six weeks.
281
00:13:14,506 --> 00:13:16,340
I just want a medium black coffee, no milk.
282
00:13:16,391 --> 00:13:17,591
That's my usual.
283
00:13:17,642 --> 00:13:19,009
Are you serious?
284
00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:21,312
Idiot!
285
00:13:21,346 --> 00:13:23,314
- Is there a problem?
- I'll say there is.
286
00:13:23,348 --> 00:13:24,765
I've been calling Melanie the wrong name
287
00:13:24,816 --> 00:13:26,684
and giving her the wrong coffee
for six weeks.
288
00:13:26,735 --> 00:13:28,269
What? You got to be kidding me.
289
00:13:28,271 --> 00:13:30,654
Oh, it's not that big a deal.
290
00:13:30,689 --> 00:13:32,156
Oh, it's a big deal, all right.
291
00:13:32,190 --> 00:13:34,275
We're trying to be a first-class
coffee destination,
292
00:13:34,277 --> 00:13:36,610
and you can't get there
with third-class service.
293
00:13:36,661 --> 00:13:40,748
You're fired, Ranberg. Hit the bricks.
294
00:13:40,782 --> 00:13:42,449
No. No, no, please don't do that.
295
00:13:42,451 --> 00:13:45,586
Daddy, what's happening?
296
00:13:45,620 --> 00:13:48,088
I got that woman's coffee order wrong.
297
00:13:48,123 --> 00:13:49,623
I'll get you a bike next year.
298
00:13:52,928 --> 00:13:54,712
- Please don't do this.
- I have to, Melanie.
299
00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:56,380
I mean, are we so far gone
300
00:13:56,431 --> 00:13:59,350
as a society that this one
simple act of service
301
00:13:59,384 --> 00:14:01,302
is beyond our ability?
302
00:14:01,353 --> 00:14:04,388
Not on my watch,
not at Stormi's new coffee bar,
303
00:14:04,439 --> 00:14:06,307
and no matter how stressful it can...
304
00:14:06,358 --> 00:14:09,143
[grunting]
305
00:14:09,194 --> 00:14:12,446
[Shrieks]
306
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,950
- [Screams]
- [Items clattering]
307
00:14:20,538 --> 00:14:23,991
You know what? My coffee's fine.
308
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,128
Jay, before we do this,
309
00:14:37,130 --> 00:14:39,180
you should probably know
there is someone else.
310
00:14:39,215 --> 00:14:41,433
Really?
311
00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:43,802
I was about to say the very same thing.
312
00:14:43,804 --> 00:14:45,687
- You were?
- Yes.
313
00:14:45,721 --> 00:14:48,022
- But you go first.
- Well...
314
00:14:48,057 --> 00:14:50,809
It's unrequited, and it's
probably never going to happen.
315
00:14:50,811 --> 00:14:53,278
Me too. It's somebody who likely has
316
00:14:53,312 --> 00:14:54,813
no interest in me at all. [Chuckles]
317
00:14:54,864 --> 00:14:57,982
And he's a bad choice,
because I work with him.
318
00:14:57,984 --> 00:15:00,034
She's my therapist!
319
00:15:00,069 --> 00:15:02,237
I've done that as well. [Both laugh]
320
00:15:02,288 --> 00:15:03,705
Oh, God, what were we thinking?
321
00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:05,290
I know. What were we thinking?
322
00:15:05,324 --> 00:15:07,709
I mean, if we had the chance,
we'd only date these people
323
00:15:07,743 --> 00:15:09,627
for as long as we could hide
our true natures.
324
00:15:09,662 --> 00:15:13,081
But eventually it would
come out, and they'd leave us.
325
00:15:13,132 --> 00:15:16,334
But we don't have to hide
anything from each other.
326
00:15:16,336 --> 00:15:19,337
No. That's the beauty of us, Joy.
327
00:15:19,388 --> 00:15:23,675
We hate ourselves just the way we are.
328
00:15:23,677 --> 00:15:27,095
And we'd never have to change or... or grow.
329
00:15:27,146 --> 00:15:29,481
And we'd never question whether
we settled for less than love,
330
00:15:29,515 --> 00:15:30,815
because we'd know we did.
331
00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:35,403
Oh, we'll be suspicious
and vindictive and needy
332
00:15:35,438 --> 00:15:38,990
and unfulfilled until the day we die.
333
00:15:39,024 --> 00:15:41,943
Our wedding vows are practically written.
334
00:15:43,946 --> 00:15:45,663
[Laughs]
335
00:15:45,698 --> 00:15:48,199
I don't want to be
with myself. I'm a nightmare.
336
00:15:48,201 --> 00:15:49,918
I don't want to spend
another minute with me.
337
00:15:49,952 --> 00:15:52,086
It's finally happened.
338
00:15:52,121 --> 00:15:56,090
My thoughts are coming out of your mouth.
339
00:15:56,125 --> 00:15:58,510
The problem is he's totally into me.
340
00:15:58,544 --> 00:16:00,295
How do I get rid of him?
341
00:16:00,346 --> 00:16:02,130
[Thud]
342
00:16:07,019 --> 00:16:09,637
Well, that's that, then.
343
00:16:09,688 --> 00:16:13,141
Yes, that appears to be that.
344
00:16:16,612 --> 00:16:19,197
The thing is, I don't want to settle.
345
00:16:19,231 --> 00:16:21,900
I don't want to give up.
I want to be with Mitch.
346
00:16:21,951 --> 00:16:25,954
So I've decided to fight my fears
347
00:16:25,988 --> 00:16:28,540
and make the first move.
348
00:16:28,574 --> 00:16:32,076
"Can we meet for drinks?
349
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:35,380
I want to talk to you about something."
350
00:16:35,414 --> 00:16:38,917
If he rejects me, he rejects me.
351
00:16:38,968 --> 00:16:41,386
And even if he does,
at least you've learned
352
00:16:41,420 --> 00:16:44,005
you'd rather be alone than with yourself.
353
00:16:46,308 --> 00:16:49,427
- [Gasps] He says, "sure."
- That's great!
354
00:16:49,478 --> 00:16:52,597
Oh, I want to analyze that "sure" so much,
355
00:16:52,648 --> 00:16:55,733
but I'm not going to. [Laughs]
356
00:16:55,768 --> 00:16:57,936
That said, he responded very
quickly and in the affirmative.
357
00:16:57,938 --> 00:16:59,437
Let's go to the bar and celebrate.
358
00:16:59,439 --> 00:17:01,022
Yes, but not Stormi's.
359
00:17:01,073 --> 00:17:04,158
I... I have to avoid that place for a while.
360
00:17:04,193 --> 00:17:05,243
Why?
361
00:17:05,277 --> 00:17:07,111
Because I learned a lesson too.
362
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:10,081
When I complain, people
almost die... many people.
363
00:17:10,115 --> 00:17:11,833
But you know what?
364
00:17:11,867 --> 00:17:14,869
I am the way that I am, and I like it.
365
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,754
And if you don't like it,
I probably won't say anything
366
00:17:16,789 --> 00:17:18,873
- 'cause I want you to like me.
- Well, I like you.
367
00:17:18,924 --> 00:17:20,875
- Me too.
- Thank you. And you know what?
368
00:17:20,926 --> 00:17:22,627
I think the world needs
more people like me.
369
00:17:22,678 --> 00:17:24,512
People that act nice,
even when they shouldn't,
370
00:17:24,547 --> 00:17:25,964
just so that niceness is in the air.
371
00:17:25,966 --> 00:17:27,966
And I'm doing that thing
where I talk too much, aren't I?
372
00:17:28,017 --> 00:17:30,802
- Yeah.
- Well, I have an announcement.
373
00:17:30,804 --> 00:17:32,303
After reading all of these scripts
374
00:17:32,305 --> 00:17:33,638
and not knowing who wrote them
375
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,523
or what studio is behind them,
376
00:17:35,558 --> 00:17:37,725
I've chosen my favorite.
377
00:17:37,776 --> 00:17:40,812
It's a character study
about a woman my age,
378
00:17:40,814 --> 00:17:42,397
and it really moved me.
379
00:17:42,448 --> 00:17:46,484
So please pull the cover page
for script number three
380
00:17:46,535 --> 00:17:47,869
and tell me who wrote it.
381
00:17:49,738 --> 00:17:50,788
It's by J.J.
382
00:17:50,823 --> 00:17:52,624
Abrams?
383
00:17:52,658 --> 00:17:55,293
No, just J.J.
384
00:17:55,327 --> 00:17:57,495
It's titled The Painted Wall,
385
00:17:57,497 --> 00:18:01,549
aka Cleveland state junior yearfilm studies project.
386
00:18:02,835 --> 00:18:04,335
So the follow-up
387
00:18:04,337 --> 00:18:09,007
to my Oscar-nominated
performance is a student film?
388
00:18:09,058 --> 00:18:11,175
You still going to do it?
389
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:13,344
Well, of course I am.
390
00:18:13,395 --> 00:18:16,014
That script spoke to me.
391
00:18:16,016 --> 00:18:20,018
I wouldn't back out now even
if one of you tried to make me.
392
00:18:20,069 --> 00:18:23,521
So go ahead. Try.
393
00:18:23,572 --> 00:18:25,490
You can try a little harder than that,
394
00:18:25,524 --> 00:18:29,193
because I am not going to give up.
395
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:31,613
Okay, fine.
396
00:18:31,664 --> 00:18:34,866
For the first time in my life,
I am going to do something
397
00:18:34,868 --> 00:18:36,951
because it moved me.
398
00:18:37,002 --> 00:18:40,371
What's that, Melanie? I shouldn't do it?
399
00:18:40,422 --> 00:18:45,376
- Honey, I didn't say anything.
- Now you don't talk.
400
00:18:45,378 --> 00:18:46,711
But you know what?
401
00:18:46,713 --> 00:18:49,631
There's no telling
where good art comes from.
402
00:18:49,682 --> 00:18:52,183
I mean, even Elka's play inspired us
403
00:18:52,217 --> 00:18:54,385
to take a hard look at ourselves.
404
00:18:54,436 --> 00:18:56,054
That's the truth.
405
00:18:56,105 --> 00:18:58,389
You realize we walked out
before the play was over.
406
00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:04,134
Before you three moved to Cleveland,
407
00:19:04,169 --> 00:19:07,404
I was a normal widow, living a quiet life,
408
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,023
not making any trouble for anyone.
409
00:19:10,074 --> 00:19:11,608
And since you got here,
410
00:19:11,659 --> 00:19:14,578
I've had to pretend
to be your old Irish nanny,
411
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,947
your gay girlfriend on a cruise.
412
00:19:16,949 --> 00:19:20,117
I've had to spend jail time
and share a cell with you
413
00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:23,203
and your big man hands.
414
00:19:23,254 --> 00:19:25,205
[Audience laughing]
415
00:19:25,256 --> 00:19:28,959
Oh, you just turned my life upside down.
416
00:19:29,010 --> 00:19:30,711
So what are you saying, Elka?
417
00:19:30,762 --> 00:19:33,931
I'm saying...
418
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,466
Thank you.
419
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:43,857
"I realized these women
hadn't ruined my life.
420
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:47,978
"They'd broadened it and given it laughter.
421
00:19:48,029 --> 00:19:52,616
"Sometimes it's more fun to join the devil
422
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,902
than to beat him."
423
00:19:57,872 --> 00:20:00,491
[Cheers and applause]
424
00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:06,363
So the secret wasn't
that you're doing a play.
425
00:20:06,397 --> 00:20:07,798
It's that you like us.
426
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:12,169
I keep telling you, it's a work of fiction.
427
00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:14,671
We made your life better.
428
00:20:14,722 --> 00:20:17,674
And you love us for it, you big softy.
429
00:20:17,676 --> 00:20:19,009
I'm so glad you like us.
430
00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:23,313
- Oh.
- You think we're great.
431
00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:27,100
And people wonder why writers drink.
432
00:20:27,150 --> 00:20:31,700
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