Original subtitles

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

I call to order the first meeting

of project Oscar.

Now the Academy Award ballots are being mailed out this week

and I am determined to be nominated.

So first order of business...

Get a time machine and give a better performance?

I have hired our little detective here

to track down any Academy members

living in the Cleveland area.

I was able to find all three members.

[Gasps]

I got Corey chambers?

Oh, he was my favorite teen actor in high school.

I was obsessed with him.

I dreamed that he'd asked me to prom.

I knew he would see past my acne and back brace and...

Lazy boob.

"Lazy boob"?

One boob was slower to grow.

Joy has two of those.

This is incredible.

My high school reunion is coming up,

and I wasn't gonna go.

But what if we meet and fall in love,

like I always dreamed, and I bring him to my reunion?

That'll show 'em. Who's "Smell-anie" now?

It's hard to shower with a back brace.

This might be a good time to stress

that you can't make fools of yourselves with these actors.

Got it, got it.

Oh, he volunteers at Petsmart Charity's Adoption Events.

So do I. That's my in.

Excellent. Elka?

I've got Rusty Banks.

I remember him.

He was a child actor,

but I've never heard of his movies.

Oh, they were westerns.

And they called him the comeback kid

because he was always telling people to come back.

"You're coming back, ain't you, China Joe?"

Terrible movie.

Well, my actor is Ivy Johnson.

Oh, from Night of the Hereafter.

I saw that last week. She is amazing.

Oh, so young and beautiful.

And it's her first movie.

Yes, we all hate her.

But won't she just vote for herself?

Well, of course. But she can nominate me as well.

Or maybe she's one of those honorable people

who refuse to vote for themselves,

like I say I am.

Ivy's staying with her parents.

She only goes out to go to group therapy.

Word on the street is she's a hot mess.

Oh, good. My word got out.

I'll be infiltrating that therapy group.

Frankly, I'm happy for the diversion.

Ever since Simon left, I'm not interested in dating.

[Sighs]

But I know he may never come back,

so I mustn't put all my eggs in one basket.

You've got enough eggs left to need a basket?

Speaking of eggs, Elka,

since you were there, was it the chicken or the egg?

[Upbeat music]

Ba ba ba ba

ba ba ba ba

hey!

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Excuse me, Mr. Banks?

The one and only. [Laughs]

Roy!

You're Rusty Banks?

Yes, ma'am.

How are you, Elka? Have a seat.

What's it been? Two years?

Yeah, ever since my mom wouldn't let me

date you anymore.

I remember. [Both laugh]

Is she... Well?

Oh, yeah. She's great.

She got remarried last year.

Now, of course, my baby stepbrother

gets all the attention.

- "Baby stepbrother"? - Yeah.

Just turned 70.

Kids do say the darndest things.

Mostly because of the dementia. [Laughs]

I had no idea you were in show business.

Oh, I made 50 pictures before I was ten.

But then Hollywood decided I wasn't cute anymore,

so we moved back to Ohio.

Well, a cute kid is nice, but a handsome man is nicer.

That is wonderful.

Ivy, can you go a little deeper with that thought?

[Mumbling] I just want to scream and disappear.

I think that's something we can all relate to, right?

I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that.

- What did she say? - [Gasps]

Ivy has some issues with vocal confidence right now.

She's feeling some anxiety due to the pressures of fame.

But we're gonna help her through it, right?

[Mumbling] Thank you.

How about you, Joy?

Is there anything you'd like to share with the group?

Oh, I'm not sure I'm ready yet,

but you guys carry on.

[Mumbles indistinctly]

I think Ivy sums it up perfectly.

- She does? - Yeah.

Group can be daunting at first.

Just tell us about yourself, anything at all.

Okay. [Laughs]

My name is Joy.

I'm originally from Britain but moved to Los Angeles

where I started a successful business.

[Crying] And now Simon's halfway around the world!

He said he'd come back,

but he's already lined up two more assignments.

So I just have to accept that he's someone

who's never gonna stay with me.

That was a good share, Joy, and I think John...

the problem is

I can't help comparing every guy I meet to him.

I can't move on with my life.

[Mumbles indistinctly]

- She said that... - I know.

I understood this time.

[All clapping]

So Roy is Rusty Banks?

And he agreed to vote for me?

Your name never came up.

Well, see that it does.

Joy, were you able to infiltrate Ivy's therapy group?

Yes.

I posed as an unstable woman,

and they bought it.

There's your Oscar performance.

Actually, therapy was quite cathartic.

I think if I keep going, I can work through

some of my issues with Simon.

Well, what about Ivy?

Oh, poor thing.

She's clearly insecure

and struggling with her sudden fame.

Excellent.

If we can fuel those insecurities,

maybe we can convince her to drop her name

from the Oscar ballot completely.

Oh, people will have to vote for the other fresh-faced ingenue.

Me.

Okay, before you say anything, yeah, I know.

I got a huge zit on my forehead.

What? No.

I don't see anything.

It's like a third eye.

It's following me.

Oh, it's moved to my chin too.

It's from that cream you gave me.

You said the FDA wouldn't approve it

'cause they were jealous.

Huh.

I may have made that up.

So how did it go with Corey?

Oh, great, I think.

I was able to lure him over to the house.

And of course I was super excited.

But I think we made a real connection.

I can't believe I'm sitting next to Corey chambers.

And I'm being completely real

because I remember in tiger beat

you said you hated phonies.

Yeah.

[Clears throat]

You said that this was a fund raising event?

Yeah, I'm gonna write a check.

And that Jim Brown would be here.

Yeah, I might have made that up.

I'm sorry, it's just that

when I was a teenager, I used to have

your poster over my bed,

and I would dream that you would come alive

and crawl into my bed,

and then I would pull the sheets real tight

so you couldn't escape.

[Chuckles nervously]

It was a little rocky at first,

but I charmed him.

In fact, I RSVP'd yes to my high school reunion.

If things go as planned,

I am showing up with Corey on my arm.

Wow.

Your plan, joy's Breakthrough,

Elka's happiness...

Listen to yourselves!

Such selfishness.

I mean, what about my Oscar?

Clearly, I'm gonna have to find some clever way

to insert myself into your assignments.

No, no, no, no.

You don't have to worry about me.

I made a real connection with Corey.

And I will talk to him about you the next time I see him.

- Melanie Moretti? - Yes.

This is a restraining order.

I can't believe I'm here with the great Rusty Banks.

Not just a legend, but a voting member of the Academy

for over 50 years.

Oh, I don't vote anymore.

What?

It doesn't feel right to vote.

I don't act anymore.

So, what I'm hearing is that

the dormant acting bug is awakening.

I don't know. Maybe.

Oh, listen to that passion.

Now I'll just bet that there is a dream project

in there somewhere.

Well, I always thought it would be kind of neat

if the Comeback Kid made a comeback

in a one-man revue.

Where do I buy a ticket?

[Laughs]

- I don't know about this. - Oh, I do, I do.

Oh, let's do it, Roy.

I'll bankroll the whole thing.

Let's up on a show and see

where this old cow trail takes us.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay!

Let me get my Stetsen

and my cowboy dance-belt. [Laughs]

What the hell?

Well, if he starts acting,

then he'll start voting for the Oscars again.

But actors are so self-centered

and obnoxious.

You do realize that I'm an actor.

The only one I know.

Hearing about Joy's sad life

really made me feel better about my own.

I get that a lot.

Well, I've been making some progress.

And it may not sound like much,

but I've been reading these scripts,

and I made a call to my agent to let him know

I'm back in the game.

Oh. [All clapping]

If I could add to that.

Oh, everyone, let's hear from our new member, Victoria.

Hi.

I'm just so inspired by Ivy.

I mean, I don't think I could've handled

so much success at such an early age.

No wonder you say, "I feel like a fraud."

I didn't say that.

Well, you or the critics...

someone has or will have said it.

I hate to say this to a newcomer I don't know,

but shut up, Victoria.

I would, but I'm just...

I'm so scared, you know, for Ivy.

She is blindly walking into a red-hot buzz saw of criticism,

fresh meat to be ripped apart.

So here's to you.

You are my hero, Ivy.

[Mumbles indistinctly]

I'm sorry, dear. What was that?

[Muttering]

Can anybody?

This is a mirror, Melanie.

I can see you.

Hi.

I guess you're wondering why I'm wearing glasses.

The hundreds of things I'm wondering right now,

glasses are not on the list.

I'm sorry, you know.

This is a really terrible idea.

I'm doing all of this for a really good friend

and now I feel stupid and ridiculous

and I'm so, so sorry.

Look, you're obviously crazy.

But you seem harmless.

Hopefully harmless.

So I'll tell you what.

Double your donation to the charity,

stay out of the men's room,

and I'll drop the restraining oder.

Thank you.

You will never see me again. Good.

- Unless you want to. - Good-bye, Melanie.

Thank God that worked.

It did not!

The whole point was to give him the DVD of my movie.

You were supposed to say you were overcome that day

by my performance in Cleveland rhapsody.

Now get out there and give it to him.

- Okay. - Go!

Corey! Wait up!

I hate you, Victoria.

You ruined therapy for me.

I hate you too.

You made me chase after Corey,

and now the restraining order is 1,000 feet.

I hate you the most.

Oh, Elka, you look adorable.

I am not Elka.

I'm prairie sue.

Roy put me in his show.

Dagnabbit.

Setting aside everything you've done to us,

you've also dashed the hopes and dreams

of that sweet young actress Ivy.

Look, she's got decades ahead of her to get nominated.

This is probably my only chance.

And I think I'm just one therapy session away

from getting her to scratch her name off that list.

This Oscar obsession has turned you into a monster.

Really, Melanie?

I'm the monster in the room?

All I ever wanted to be was an actor.

I grew up inspired by the grand old actresses

of yesteryear.

Julia Roberts,

Molly Ringwald,

Elizabeth Shue.

But now I realize I have to quit

the thing I love the most because failing at it

is the thing that scares me the most.

So... [Breath trembles]

I'm moving back to Cleveland for good

to work at my dad's gas station.

No pressure, no expectations.

I wish I had the strength

and confidence that Victoria has,

but I don't.

I barely know Victoria, but sometimes

strength and confidence can be destructive and selfish.

Yeah, that's true.

Also sometimes, people who appear

to be strong and confident are actually masking deeper fears.

[Laughs] Oh, no. That isn't me.

I mean, sure. It's awards season.

And of course that brings up some fears.

And I really, really would like to win.

But, look.

I don't know where this overwhelming desire

to win awards comes from.

Probably my childhood, but, well,

this is hardly the place to delve into that.

Well, it kind of is.

I mean, it's a therapy group.

Why don't you tell us about yourself.

Well, I've never done ensemble therapy before,

but okay.

I was born in a small town in upstate New York...

[Crying] Called me a loser.

[Sniffles]

Until I brought that award home from school.

And that was the first time my father ever told me

he was proud of me.

And so when it came time

for me to decide what I wanted to do,

I thought, well, what profession

constantly gives itself awards just for doing its job?

Acting.

Ivy, I'm a horrible person.

I came here to get you to drop out of the Oscar race.

But you can't quit acting.

I saw your performance in night of the hereafter.

And hated every minute of it.

That's how good you were.

Wow.

Hatred from an actress of your stature.

Thank you.

But what if I am a fraud and that part

is the only part that I can play?

Ivy, it's crazy to think that way.

At your age, your best roles are yet to come.

Well, how do you know your best relationship

isn't yet to come?

I mean, you're still pretty young. What are you?

Like, 35?

Yeah, I'm, like, 35. Yes.

Joy, Ivy's right.

I mean, there must be tons of guys

out there looking for someone as lovely

and open and honest as you.

I mean, what about this guy?

He listens to problems.

You have problems.

In the movie business, we call this a "meet cute."

In the therapy business, we call that

questionable ethics, so...

- I'll quit group. - How's Saturday night?

See you then.

Look.

You're gonna have your ups and downs

and you'll feel like a fraud sometimes.

We all do.

But, if you'd let me, I'd really like to help you

over the rough patches.

I'd like that.

And if you'd let me, I'd like to take you sweater shopping.

Thank you.

[Whistles]

[Sniffs]

Okay, I smell women's perfume.

Melanie, is that you again?

Actually, it's Victoria Chase.

I know who you are.

What the hell's going on here?

Hmm, a better question would be

why is your club security so lax?

Look, you have a restraining order against my friend,

Melanie Moretti.

But it's really all my fault.

[Sneezes]

She's here, isn't she?

Hi, Corey.

What the hell happened to you?

Oh, I can explain.

You know how in your movies the power of love

made awkward girls beautiful.

Well, here it did the opposite.

I'll take it from here, Victoria. Thanks.

Look, my high school reunion is coming up,

and I had this stupid idea that I would ask you

to go with me.

I guess it's important

because I was just such a loser in high school.

Yeah, I looked like...

well, what I look like now.

[Laughs]

I guess someone like you could never understand.

Really?

I want to show you something.

- Ugh. - Oh.

- Mm. - Poor thing.

- Who is she? - That's me.

In high school.

Look, I'll drop the restraining order, okay?

And I can't believe I'm actually saying this,

but the answer is yes.

- What? - I'll go with you.

To your reunion. Seriously?

Oh, my God!

Corey Chambers is going to my high school reunion with me.

And maybe if we have a good time,

we can have a proper date. Because now we have a whole...

Honey, he said yes.

Let's just quit while you're ahead.

Just wanted to meet you. Big fan.

Okay.

[Harmonica playing]

And that's our show, folks!

Y'all coming back, ain't ya?

[Applause]

Oh, it's a hit.

They want us back. Every weekend.

Oh, that's great.

Every weekend?

Oh, Roy's gonna have to whittle me a new hip.

- Roy, that was fantastic. - Oh, thank you.

What an exciting night.

But I'm done with show business.

What?

Oh, the anxiety,

the physical exhaustion.

Being with you is excitement enough for me.

Oh, Roy. [Laughs]

So you're hanging up your spurs?

- Yes, I am. - [Laughs]

But keep the chaps.

- [Phone vibrates] - Oh, I just got a Google alert.

Me too. We're both in people magazine's

Oscar buzz issue. That's great.

But remember what we talked about in therapy.

An award can't be a substitute...

all right, just go back to hitting on your patient.

One more drink, and she's good to go.

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