All language subtitles for Hot in Cleveland s05e03 Dr Who.eng

- Hot in Cleveland
is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

- Simon is going to be here
any minute.

These pillows are flat!

- Well, if he's turned off
by flat things--

- elka, not today.
She's very nervous.

Joy, honey,
you have got to calm down.

- I can't.

I'm nervous enough
that Simon's coming to see me,

but he's also
meeting his son

and his grandson
for the first time.

I know it's silly of me to hope,
but what if it all works out?

We could be a real family,
maybe even a perfect family.

- Well, no family is perfect.
- We'll be.

Caroling on Christmas Eve
in our matching sweaters.

People will look at us
and say,

"why can't we be happy
like them?"

And we'll smile as the spirit
of Christmas

is replaced by envy
in their hearts.

- And I thought Melanie was
the one with the brain tumor.

- Speaking of which,

elka and I are going
doctor shopping today.

- Good luck with that, honey.
- Yeah.

Say, where's wilbur?

- He's out with Victoria again.

Poor wilbur.

Haven't told him yet,

but he's been wait-listed
at Prescott academy.

- Academy?
It's a pre-school.

- Yes, the most exclusive
pre-school in Cleveland,

and it's a feeder school
for all the best kindergartens.

- They color.

- But he'll be coloring
with the best.

It's all right
that wilbur lives in Cleveland,

I just don't want him
to be too Cleveland.

- I have a major announcement
to make.

Guess who's a finalist

in the little prince charming
pageant?

- Ta-da!

- Victoria,
what's going on here?

Wilbur, are you wearing
false eyelashes?

- Don't they make
my eyes pop?

- Nothing too Cleveland
about that.

[Upbeat music]

Hey!

- Victoria,

you've been entering my grandson
in beauty pageants?

- Joy, my life
is a mess right now.

My husband escaped from jail
and is on the lam,

God knows where.

But when I see little wilbur
up on that stage,

body glitter glowing,
belting out rhinestone cowboy,

for just a few minutes I can
actually forget my problems

and just be a normal person.

- Victoria, did you stuff a sock
down his pants?

- Not an adult sock.
A kid's sock.

They all do it.

[Knocking on door]
- Oh, my God, it's Simon.

Everyone relax!
Don't panic!

- I'll get the door.

- Hey.
- Hello, Simon.

- Wow.
You look beautiful.

Both: Thank you.

- Who's this wee gentleman?

- This is wilbur,
your grandson.

- My grandson?
- Mm-hmm.

- I have a grandson.

Wow. Look at you.

I-I never thought you'd be so--
- fabulous?

- I brought you a gift.

Now, you kick it or, um,

you can glue
little mirrors on it

and turn it
into a disco ball.

It's all good.

- In your case, Melanie,

I'd recommend a course
of radiation to shrink the tumor

and then assess the need
for surgery.

Let me grab your x-rays
and we can discuss further.

Oh, don't steal anything
while I'm gone.

[Laughter]

- That is one handsome man.

- Yeah.
Too handsome.

I don't want a doctor
that handsome.

I need an ugly, nerdy doctor
who had no dates in med school

and had no choice
but to focus on studying.

- But he was funny.

- No, he wasn't.

He said a couple
of lame jokes

and we both giggled
like schoolgirls

because he's so handsome.

Beautiful people get the benefit
of the doubt all the time.

- Oh, don't I know it.

- I need
an unattractive doctor.

- Maybe you shouldn't base
your entire decision on looks.

- Found your x-rays.

They were right next
to your y-rays.

[Laughter]

- Yeah.
We got to get out of here.

- Still can't believe wilbur.

I have a grandson!

And he's so...Sparkly.

- That's new.

Victoria's taken him
under her wing.

- Well, he's adorable,

but when do I get to meet
his father?

My son.
My boy.

My Bonnie wee laddie.

- His flight gets in
this afternoon.

I should probably prepare you

that Owen's feelings about
meeting you are complicated.

He's a little resentful
about you leaving me

and not trying
to find him.

- That's understandable,
I suppose,

but we'll work through it.

What was I thinking
leaving you?

You don't look a day older
than that beautiful teenage girl

I used to take salsa dancing.
- [Laughs]

You're full of crap,
but thank you.

Oh, God, it's been years
since I salsa danced.

- Well, luckily for you
I have uno telefono con musica.

[Salsa music playing]

Ah, and just like that
it's 30 years ago

in a dark, smoky salsa club
in the west end,

pushing all the other guys
out of the way.

Care to dance, chica?

You still got it, kid.

- Simon,
we should take this slow.

- I totally agree.

- Let's take it slow all the way
upstairs to my bedroom.

- I'm already dancing you
in that direction.

- We've been to ten doctors.
Just pick one!

- We haven't been
to doctor klein.

He's perfect.

- Klein's not taking
any new patients.

- I know,
but there is more than one way

to get a doctor to see you.

I did some Internet digging,

and he's looking
for a girlfriend

so I joined j-date.

- That's funny,
you don't look j-ish.

- Yeah.
Well, I'm studying.

Don't let this goyishe punim
fool you.

I've got shpilkes
in the finitin.

- Oy vey.

This is not going
to end well.

- Yes, it will.

"I told you so"?

- That's for later.

- [Humming]

Oh, hello,
my two lovelies!

How'd it go?

Did you find
your tumor doctor?

- Not yet.
[Laughs]

No.
No one was quite right.

- Well, I'm sure
you will find one soon.

And elka, ooh!
I could just eat you up.

- Oh, no.

Somebody put air
in this old tire.

- Yes!

Simon and I made love,
and it was perfect.

Afterwards, I wasn't disgusted
with him or myself.

It's like a fairy tale.

[Phone ringing]
Oh, hang on.

Oh, it's Prescott academy
calling.

Hello?

Yes, I'll hold for admissions.

Do I sound
like I just had sex?

Oh, sorry.
I-I thought I was on hold.

An interview?
This afternoon?

Well, uh, wilbur's grandfather
just arrived.

Yes, he's very involved
in wilbur's life.

Yes, he'd love to come.

See you then.

Oh, bollocks!

They want us in for an interview
this afternoon.

Now I've got to find out
where Victoria's taken wilbur,

tell Owen he has to rush
from the airport

to meet a father
he doesn't even want to meet

in an interview where
we have to present ourselves

as the perfect family.

- Why don't you reschedule?

- You can't reschedule
with these places.

No, I went through this
with my kids.

This is your only chance.

They're gonna be judging you
on everything,

so you have to be perfect.

I'm sure pre-schools
were different in your day.

- My pre-school was a box.

And my teacher
was a potato.

[Sighs]

Then winter came...

And I had to eat my teacher.

- I can't believe I'm gonna meet
my son for the first time.

How do I look?

- Stop making this about you.
How do I look?

- Gorgeous as always.

- Oh, I'd love to, but I don't
want to smudge my lipstick.

Everything
has to be perfect.

We weren't there for Owen,

but we can make sure
that wilbur gets the best.

God, where's wilbur?

Victoria should have
brought him here by now.

Where the [Bleep] is she?

- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, no.

I--I'm--
I wasn't referring to you.

We were discussing my gardener,
wari fukishi.

He's a lovely man.

- I'm Dr. Teresa Carson,
headmistress.

- This is Simon, and I'm joy.

- Wow.
That is a big hand.

- How kind of you to notice.

- Where's wilbur,
or his father for that matter?

- Wilbur is on
an educational adventure

with his aunt Victoria,

and Owen is getting back
from a business trip.

He should be here
any minute.

- And I can't wait
to meet him.

See him, I mean.
Again, I mean.

- Excuse me.

- My boy!
It's you!

- Why are you hugging
my assistant?

- Because saying "my boy"
and then giving a hug

is a standard greeting
in Scotland...

To a young man...
You've just met.

- Owen burr is here.

- Send him in.

- Oh, my God.
It's you.

- Hi, dad.

- This is my son!

- Now, Simon.

It's not like
you've never seen Owen

come back
from a business trip before.

- Of course!

It's happened many times,

but each time it does,
it's just so amazing.

- I'm Dr. Carson,
headmistress.

Why don't we all
have a seat?

- He's creeping me out.

- Suck it up.

We are a happy family,
we've been together forever,

and we love each other
very much.

- So, Owen, why don't you
tell me a little bit

about your family dynamic?

- Well, we're a happy family,
we've been together forever,

and we love each other
very much.

- Beautifully put.

- He's got
his grandmother's eyes.

To think I might never
have seen them.

- If Owen's plane
had crashed.

We brits always
expect the worst.

I'm expecting it now.

- So, uh, how long you been
on j-date?

- Uh, a week.

I remember because
I was having a brisket,

and I said to my friend ruchel,
"what could it hurt?"

- And how observant
are you?

- Observant enough to see
that you are quite a catch.

A doctor!

So what is your specialty,
I'm wondering?

- [Laughs]
Brain tumors.

- Of which I have one!

Maybe we could get together
sometime in your office

for a nosh
or a consultation maybe.

- Oh, for God's sake.

You're the Melanie
who's been pestering my office

for an appointment.

You're not even Jewish!

- But I'm so close!
I'm Italian.

- Look, I've got
too many patients as it is.

I'm here because
my therapist wants me

to build a life
outside my practice.

- So him you listen to
and not me?

- Stop doing that!

I'm leaving.

- [Sighs]

I know what it says, elka.

- It's not what you think.
Open it.

- "I told you so."

- There's something
on the other side.

- "See other side."

- So, Mr. burr,
you're a single parent

who travels frequently?

- Oh, don't worry.
Wilbur's my life.

I'm not one of those dads

who goes decades
without seeing their kid.

That's not me.

- Nor me, anymore.

If it ever was.

- We all love holding hands
so much.

- Ah.

- But let's remember,
we're here to talk about wilbur.

- He's a great kid.
He's friendly, down to earth.

Just your typical, red-blooded,
all-American boy.

- Say hello
to prince charming!

- Wilbur!

Hey there, bud.
What happened to you?

- I won!

- Oh, he certainly did.
[Laughs]

I'm sorry we're late,

but you have one
very special applicant here.

He made those other contestants
look like babies...

[Laughs]

Which, to be fair,
most of them were.

- Wilbur,
you're gonna go off with Andy

and you're gonna play some games
and answer a few questions.

- Oh, it's the talent portion.

- Okey-dokey!

- All right,
just dial it down a little bit.

- All right, now that we're all
finally here,

let's begin.

- Victoria doesn't have to stay,
does she?

- She's part of your
support system, isn't she?

- Yes, I am.

And you should know that
I am happy to use my celebrity

to help the school
in any way.

- I'm sorry,
who exactly are you?

- I'm Victoria chase.

- And what do you do?

- I'm a very famous actress.

- All right.

Okay,
let's talk about family.

I mean, obviously,
you know,

it's so important that children
have adults who care.

- I absolutely agree.

That's why I made sure
wilbur has that.

- Speaking of caring, Owen,

I read an article that said
that some fathers

build strong bonds
with their children

despite being absent
many years.

- It probably drew
your attention

because of its lack
of similarities

to our own situation.

- I read a different article

that said adult children
of absent fathers

aren't that interested
in building a bond.

- Although all that reading
didn't stop them

from enjoying America's
favorite pastime, television.

Have I won an emmy?
Why, yes, I have.

- But today is about wilbur.

- Well, I hope wilbur won't
be watching much television.

We prefer outdoor activities
for our children.

- Wilbur and I like
to go fishing.

- I love fishing!
We should go this weekend!

- You know,
I played a fish out of water

in the forthcoming
Woody Allen movie.

Surely you have heard of him?

- I've heard of him.
I do not approve of him.

- [Mocking] "I've heard of him.
I do not approve of him."

- Look, if you don't want
to go fishing,

we could always go
skeet shooting.

- I don't like guns.

- Barbeque?
- I don't eat meat.

- Hunting?
- That's guns and meat.

Look, I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore.

This is just so weird.

- It-it doesn't have
to be, son.

- Dude, back off.
I just met you!

- What is going on?

- Oh, bloody hell.
I give up.

The truth is
Simon got me pregnant

when we were very young,

and I gave up Owen
for adoption.

Owen and I reconnected
a few years ago,

but this is the first time

Simon's ever
laid eyes on him.

Look, I know this is a big mess
but please,

don't judge the child
by the family.

- And, you know,
that is an official rule

of the little
prince charming pageant.

- Wait a minute.
I do recognize you.

- Oh, thank you.

- I was travelling in Asia
last year.

You're the face
of incontinence!

You're Mrs. ladypants!

- Will that help wilbur get
into your school?

- Not at all.

- Then I have no idea
what you're talking about.

- I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I can't find the right doctor.
- Yeah.

When my first marriage
fell apart,

I had trouble
choosing a lawyer

because subconsciously,
once I chose one

it would mean that I was really
getting divorced.

- And if I choose a doctor

it means I really have
a brain tumor.

And I do,
so I will choose one.

- Well, whoever you choose,

I mean, we're going
through this with you.

So choose a handsome one.

- Yeah,
maybe I'm in denial too,

using wilbur's pageants as
a distraction from my problems.

You know, whether or not
I ever see Emmet again,

I need to just move on
with my life.

Well,
after wilbur wins state.

- Hey, how come we have
so much wine left?

- Joy's on the porch.

- All right.
So wilbur didn't get in.

We'll get him a box
and a potato.

I hated
that pre-school anyway.

- Me too.
- Me too.

- Of course,
we're only saying that

'cause he never got in.
- Of course.

- It's a great pre-school.
- It was magnificent!

They had an olympic-sized pool.
It was only two-feet deep!

- We've taken perfect family
off the table,

but maybe
we can be something.

- I'd like that.

Look, we might not be
the first family

that started out
with a broken condom

behind the bins
of a fish and chip shop,

but we can be the best!

- [Sighs]

Look, you seem
like a decent guy now,

but it's hard to get over

all those awful things
you've done.

- Abandoning your mother?

- Yeah, and the drug dealing
and the arson.

- What?
I never did those things.

- When I first met Owen,

I may have told him
a few white lies

so he'd hate you
as much as I did.

Plus, I'd just shot him

and I wanted him to be
on my side.

- You shot him?

- You lied to me?

- Oh, look at us.
[Laughs]

Oh, we may have just met,

but we already have
a lot of baggage.

We are a real family.

- All right.

How about
we go fishing tomorrow?

- I'd like that.

We can take wilbur.
We can use his sequins as lures.

- Speaking of wilbur,

I need to go upstairs and make
sure he brushes his teeth...

And takes off his makeup.

- We made a good kid,
didn't we?

- We sure did.

- You know,
I never thought I'd say this,

but do you want
to go to bed, grandma?

- I sure would, grandpa.

- Worst dirty talk ever.

- Oh, shut up and kiss me.

-
Ba-ba, ba-ba

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