All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s06e05 Lady Chitterlys Lover 2.eng

( theme song playing )

I'm still trying on
your call to Berlin,

General von Schlomm.

It should be
any minute.

Thank you, my dear.

Just call me.

I will, General
von Schlomm.

( chuckles )

The Führer is sleeping
late this morning.

The Führer works
all night, Klink.

My meaning exactly,
General von Schlomm.

Oh, and what marvelous
work he does.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

And may I say,
General von Schlomm,

what a privilege it is
to be even a small part

of this momentous mission.

Klink, this mission
is top, top secret.

Top secret.

Sir Charles
knows of it,

Lady Chitterly knows of it,
I know of it

and the Führer knows of it,

but no one else,
definitely including you, Klink,

must either know of it
or mention it.

Trust me not to breathe
a word...

until after England
surrenders.

Klink!

What did I say?

General von Schlomm is calling
Hitler in Berlin

to tell him you
and Lady Chitterly

are ready to take off
for the capital.

But dash it all, Hogan,
I'm not ready.

I'm being held
prisoner down here

by a group of prisoners

and that's simply
not done.

You know it, Sir Charles,
and I know it,

but von Schlomm
doesn't know it.

Well, he'll
soon find out.

Why? Colonel Crittendon

looks enough like you
to be your twin.

Oh, absolute balderdash.

And even if he could
fool von Schlomm,

he could never out fool
Lady Chitterly.

Maybe she wants
to be fooled.

That, sir, is
the remark of a cad.

Colonel, I think
this is it.

Hitler's headquarters
or Hitler himself?

Hitler himself.

Yes, mein Führer,
they are both here now.

Lady Chitterly arrived
early this morning.

I quite understand
mein Führer.

To Berlin immediately.

It shall be done,
mein Führer.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Klink, prepare
my car for traveling.

Prepare your car
for traveling--

of course,
General von Schlomm.

I shall need a motorcycle
escort heavily armed.

Motorcycle escort
heavily armed--

of course,
General von Schlomm.

To leave within
the hour.

To leave within
the hour--

of course,
General von Schlomm.

Oh, General von Schlomm,
would the General like me

to accompany him
to Berlin?

Why?

Prepare your car
for traveling--

of course,
General von Schlomm.

What now, Colonel?

( sighs )

I wish I knew.

Thanks, Crittendon.

We don't have
too much time.

Where's Lady Chitterly?

In the bedroom,
resting I think.

You better get
her in here.

Hogan, a deucedly attractive
woman and all that,

but do you think
it's wise,

her being in such close
quarters with me?

What are you talking about?

Psychological problem, Hogan.

I mean, the woman's ready
to kill her husband

because he's a traitor,
and here am I,

a dead-ringer for Sir Charles.

Crittendon, she won't put
a knife in you, believe me.

No, no, no, that's not
what I meant.

I'm on her side.

The pressure on her,
Hogan, it's...

it's almost too strong.

To do what?

( clearing throat )

It's a bit obvious, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Play it safe.

Only give her about
20% of your charm.

Yes.

Do my best.

( loudly ):
Uh, Leslie my dear...

( whispers ):
In case anybody's listening.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Yes?

Lady Chitterly, we've
got to make this fast.

von Schlomm just
talked to Hitler

and he wants you
in Berlin right away.

And since Hitler
knows your husband,

he's not going to be
fooled by Crittendon.

I'm not sure
of that, Hogan.

Well, I am.

So whatever we set up
to abort this mission,

it's got to be done
from here.

I see.

You have placed yourself
in charge, Colonel Hogan.

Call it what you will.

And as our leader, how are you
persuading General von Schlomm

that we should go
against Hitler's orders?

( sighs )

I'll think of something.

Not good enough.

I don't know you
well enough

and I don't trust
you far enough.

How far do you think
I can trust you?

Married to Axis Charlie
for five years,

been in Berlin
for three months

cozying up to the Nazis.

What kind of security
clearance is that?

( clearing throat )

I can personally vouch
for Lady Chitterly, Hogan.

Who asked you?

I think, Colonel Hogan,
I shall have to go my own way.

How?

( chuckles )

I shall think
of something.

( knocking )

SCHULTZ:
Sir Charles?

It's the guard.

What shall I tell him?

Tell him
to guard something.

Gracious lady,
Sir Charles.

I have the honor to request
your presence

on behalf of General von Schlomm
in the Commandant's office

for your trip to Berlin.

All right, Schultz,
we'll be right there.

Danke, Sir Charles,
thank you, gracious lady.

I remain as always
at your service--

Sergeant Schultz.

Gracious lady,
Sir Charles...

Colonel Hogan?

See you later, Schultz.

We've got a problem here.

Problem? What problem?

Do-do-do-don't tell me.

I see nothing!

I know nothing!

My dear Sir Charles,
I really do not understand you.

You wish to see
the Führer,

the Führer wishes
to see you.

He assured me of it
over the phone

just a few moments ago.

Now you hesitate
over going to Berlin.

No hesitation.

Indecision.

Do stop being tiresome, Charles.

Of course, we're going
to Berlin.

We are?

Naturally.

Dolf is a crashing bore,

but this prison camp
is even worse.

Exactly, Lady Chitterly.

Were I able
to get away myself...

Klink, you can.

Then, we can go.

Where?

To Berlin.

Berlin!

Have you a few moments
with Colonel Hogan,

Herr Kommandant?

Absolutely not!

No visitors, cut off the phone.

I will talk to no one.

Hope I'm not interrupting,
Kommandant,

but I've got to talk
to you again

about those meals
we're getting.

Out! Shultz, throw this man out
immediately.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Which one?

Hogan. Out!

Klink, what kind of a camp
are you running here?

Glad you asked that
question, General.

Colonel Robert Hogan.

When you tell those
good people in Berlin

about the kind of food
they're serving here,

I'm sure we'll
get some action.

Throw him out!

Robert... Robert Hogan!

My darling.

She knows this man?

I'll ask her
when I get a chance.

Leslie.

Leslie, old girl.

But of course, you remember
Hogan, Charles.

Hi.

That mad summer
before he was shot down.

That mad, marvelous
romantic summer,

just the three of us,

remember?

Can't say that
I do, no.

Charles?

Oh, well, Hogan.

Thought she
said Grogan.

What super luck
finding you here.

And what a marvelous dividend

for surrendering England.

Your car's ready,
General von Schlomm.

Ah. I'm terribly sorry
to break this up, but...

Be a dear boy

and tell Dolf to wait three
or four days, will you?

You'll stay with us
at his quarters.

Amusingly ghastly,

but it'll be just like it was
that mad summer.

Lady Chitterly,
I-I couldn't possibly

tell the Führer...

I have his direct orders.

Then you will tell him
to change them.

Come, Robert.

But...

Sir Charles...

Sorry, dear boy.
Like to help you.

Going to be a dull few
days for me, what?

Klink, Klink,
what shall I do?

Cancel the staff car?

Excellent idea,
Herr Kommandant.

Hilda, cancel
the staff car.

What is happening here?

Ah, a thousand pardons.

Just looking in to see
if everything is satisfactory.

General von Schlomm
is still trying

to reach the Führer,

but you know how it is with
him-- busy, busy, busy.

Have the operator check
his phone.

( chuckles )

I trust you found
the wine satisfactory,

Lady Chitterly, Sir Charles?

Now ask me.

Why should I ask you?

'Cause I'm a wine snob

and this just doesn't make it.

But this is my best wine.

It's brave enough
in the bottle,

but draw the cork
and it panics.

But, but, but...

Do better for dinner, dear boy.

Your place in history
depends on it.

It shall be done,
Sir Charles. Somehow.

Thanks terribly
for stopping by.

Lady Chitterly,
Sir Charles.

Hogan.

At least Hitler
doesn't know yet.

That's something.

But he will soon.

Hogan, perhaps
I shouldn't ask,

but did you and Leslie...
Lady Chitterly,

really have a bit of a thing
going in England?

Crittendon, I was not a member
of the Clivedon set.

I shouldn't have asked.

Are we going to
review the past, Colonel Hogan?

I thought there were
problems enough

with the present.

I wasn't trying
to review the past.

None of my business
if you did, of course.

Crittendon, I never
saw her before last night.

Now can we get on
to something important?

Naturally.

Lovely bit of acting
you did then.

Idea just came into your head,
I suppose.

I never would have thought
of something clever like that.

Oh, Crittendon.

Later, Colonel.

Hogan has something
frightfully important to say.

I certainly do...

like reality.

Like when Hitler finds out
that you're not coming,

he's going
to send for you.

Oh, but I'll insist
on you coming along,

and that will
solve everything,

won't it,
Colonel Hogan?

No, it won't and
you know it won't.

Another bit
of reality.

The Gestapo's going
to get involved in this

if they aren't
in already.

How long do you think
we can fool them?

I'm sure that by now
you've got some

frightfully
brilliant scheme

that will tie it all
up in a neat package.

Well, not yet, no.

Bet my last pound note
that you have.

But of course.

Well, could we have it

or is it just between
you two Chitterlys?

( door creaks open )

Hope I'm not intruding.

What's up?

Nothing, sir.
Just checking in.

How are you, Colonel
Crittendon? All right?

You are Colonel
Crittendon, aren't you?

I dare say.

You haven't seen Sir Charles
around anywhere, have you?

He got away?

More or less, sir, yes.

Well, find him
right now and fast.

Don't worry, sir, I'll do it.

I'll be right on the job, sir.
Don't worry.

( growls )

( barking )

( growling, barking )

Go away, go away.
Down, sir.

Go away, you dreadful beasts.

Klink! Klink!

Help, please.

Of course, Sir Charles,
immediately.

Shoo! Shoo!
Immediately.

Go away.
Here.

There, Sir Charles.

Please.

Down. Down.

( groans ):
Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my dear fellow.

You've no idea how
glad I am to see you.

Oh, not at all.

Now, Sir Charles,
for your dinner tonight,

I have planned
a terribly insouciant

Pouilly-Fuisse 1937.

How does that
strike you, eh?

What are you
talking about?

Wine for your dinner.

But don't you realize

where I've been
or how I got there?

You have been in
the dog kennel.

And I suppose you got there
from my quarters

after you changed
your clothes.

How did you get there?

Kidnapped.

By your dreadful prisoners.

And kept down there in
their miserable tunnels.

You're Commandant of a
blasted ant hole, Klink.

Impossible--
didn't I just talk

to you and your wife
in my quarters, huh?

That was a ruddy impostor.

How is he getting on
with Leslie?

Very well, I thought.

Take me there at once,
dear boy, at once.

Of course, Sir Charles.

Schultz, report immediately.

Schultz!

Where are they?

I just left them
a few minutes ago.

I mean, the three of them.

What three of them?

Why, you...

I mean, the impostor,
your wife and Hogan.

He seemed to be a friend
of Lady Chitterly's.

Hogan?!

He's the leader
of the ant colony.

Perhaps they're in
the bedroom.

What, the three of them?

Schultz,
look in the bedroom.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

And if they do not wish
to be disturbed...?

Oh, balderdash, man!

How did they get out?

Aha!

Through the stove.

"Through the stove"?

( sizzles )

( groans )

Through the stove?

Of course, man.
After them.

They kidnapped Leslie.

Uh, Sir Charles,
you wait right here.

Schultz, I will get
General von Schlomm.

Schultz will
guard the door.

No one will
come in or out.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

So, Klink, eh?

Remarkable news.

Very remarkable,
Major Hochstetter.

May I say
how reassuring it is

to have the Gestapo
investigate...

Klink...
a situation like this.

Where has the real one
been while the impostor

has been with
Lady Chitterly?

Held prisoner he says.

Held prisoner?
By whom?

He claims by the prisoners.

By the prisoners. Ah.

Where?

In their barracks?
Camped outside your window?

Well, I believe,
he did mention something

about underground tunnels.

Oh, underground tunnels?

It does sound
a little farfetched.

No more lies, Klink!

I may say, Hochstetter,

that when I arrived
late last night,

this man was drinking...

and totally disoriented.

And you reported this
to Berlin, eh?

No, I thought
it was a small matter.

You thought it was
a small matter, eh?

We're here negotiating
the surrender of England.

What to you is
a large matter?!

Hochstetter, you are talking

to the personal envoy
of the Führer.

And it is a good thing
I am talking to him.

He needs talking to.

Gentlemen,
gentlemen...

I am sure that
when we straighten out

this little misunderstanding
about the two Lord Chitterlys,

we can all go on to more
important things.

Yeah, like for you,
the next train to Pinsk.

Pardon me.

Yes, Major Hochstetter.

So, Klink, which is this, eh?

The real or the ersatz?

Sir Charles,
you're in luck.

Major Hochstetter
of the Gestapo

is here to investigate
your story.

What story, dear boy?

Why, being captured,
the underground tunnel,

and the secret entrance

through that stove
over there.

Stand back.

( sizzling )

( yells )

My last warning, Klink!

Warning? About what?

Say, you're just in time
for champagne.

What is this man
doing here?!

Excellent question, Major.

General von Schlomm?

He seems to be a friend
of the Chitterlys.

This is the most dangerous
man in all Germany

and you are allowing him
to negotiate

the surrender of England?!

Call on me anytime, Major.
Champagne?

I'm placing you
all under arrest.

I am placing you
under arrest.

( telephone rings )

Most likely for me.

Do not touch that!

( ringing )

Hello.
Major Hochstetter here.

Ja, of course.

Heil Hitler.

The Führer is calling
from Berlin.

I will put him on
immediately.

The Führer will speak with you.

Awfully sorry.
( clears throat )

Dreadful frog in my throat.

The Führer is waiting.

Is that you, Dolf?

Leslie, dear.
How are you?

Charles will talk to you,
but he's such a sweet stupid,

you and I better finish
the business part.

Oh, no.

No, we're not coming
to Berlin. No time.

The minute Charles
is discovered missing,

all our crowd will be
under house arrest.

I take it von Schlomm
has the surrender terms.

Good.

One small change of plan--

send every man-of-war you have
along with some troops

sailing toward England.
At once.

You simply must,
Dolf.

We can never sell the surrender
without an invasion threat.

( shouting in German )

Don't shout so, Dolf.

We must all do things we don't
want to do, there's a war on.

Here's Charles.

Lovely talking
with you, Dolf.

And a great big kiss
for Joe Goebbels.

Heil Hitler.

Careful with that thing,
Crittendon.

And if you're cornered,
don't try to fight it out,

just throw it away.

They'll never take me
this time, Hogan.

All the way to
jolly old England.

Right, Leslie?

But of course.
All the way.

And jolly good fun, too.

Colonel,
everything's on schedule.

Two German line cruisers,
six destroyers

and a couple of transports

are right now in the middle
of the English Channel.

Allied planes will hit them
any minute.

Ripping, we actually
pulled it off.

Sure looks that way.

I don't know if I can
adjust to success.

Things always seem to go
the other way with me.

All due to you,
of course.

You, too.

Do give me a moment
with Hogan, will you?

What?

Oh, uh... naturally.

( chuckles nervously )

All the time you want,
of course.

I'll just... check
my weapons again.

What about Charles?

We're going
to release him

inside the camp
in about five minutes.

You promised
to turn him over to me.

I didn't think
you'd want him.

No.

No, you're right.

What makes you
so wise, Hogan?

Association with you.

It's been quite
an operation.

I don't know why--

chances of our seeing one
another again are very small--

but I want
to explain myself.

May I?

Why not?

You don't make it easy.

No, I don't.

To say I never went along
with Charles just isn't true,

I did... to some degree.

Mainly, I went fox hunting.

The war changed things.

Changed me.

And then... those last
three months in Berlin...

Well, I'm really grateful
to Hitler, you know.

I might have gone on for years
more dead than alive

and not caring very much
either way.

What I saw in Berlin
picked me up and shook me.

And when you see things like
that, you make a commitment...

one way or the other.

That's all.

I'm glad you took
the time to tell me.

So am I.

Just thought of
something, Leslie.

What if we, uh...

uh...

Oh. Well, it, uh,
can wait, of course.

No, no hurry at all.

To the all victorious
Fatherland

and to the Führer.

To the all
victorious Führer.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to complain, sir,

but the men over in the barracks
can't get much sleep

with this party going on.

Then let them stay awake.

Tonight will go down
in history.

Really, what's up?

( telephone rings )

That call is announcing
the surrender of England.

Want me to get it?

I'll take care of it
if you don't mind.

( ringing )

von Schlomm here.

Yes, General von Kottenhorn.

The chief of
the general staff.

The invasion fleet is...

sunk?

There must be some
mistake, my General.

General von Kottenhorn,
we took every... ( line clicks )

General?

Hello?

Hello?

The invasion fleet was sunk?

Went down like lead.

Destroyed.

A massive ambush.

I do not understand it.

Now, General,
I understand.

Prison.
You are under arrest.

Call the guards.

Jawohl, Major Hochstetter.

Major Hochstetter,
may I remind you

that I am the person envoy
of the Führer.

Well, I guess my men
can get some sleep now.

And...!

You are also under arrest.

You and your friends,
the Chitterlys.

Well, I know
where he is,

but she seems to have
disappeared, Major.

I will find her.

You have my
complete cooperation, Major Hochstetter.

HOCHSTETTER:
And you are under arrest.

We shall get to the bottom
of your tales of impostors

and underground tunnels and
prisoners holding prisoners.

Certainly have to admire
your principles, Major.

You admire
my principles, why?

Jeopardizing
an open-and-shut case

just to check out an
obviously impossible story.

Jeopardizing an open-and...

Klink, your story is
completely impossible.

A brilliant conclusion, Major.

And, Hochstetter, we must
get to the bottom of this.

The bottom?
Our invasion fleet is on the bottom.

That is bottom enough.

( door opens )

Take him away.

Hochstetter, this is
not the end of this.

I say, chaps, terrific news.

I've escaped again.

Frightfully good
to see you all.

You're under arrest
for treason.

Take him away.

Beastly bore being a fascist.

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