All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s06e04 Lady Lover 1.eng

( theme song playing )

♪ ♪

( engine sputtering )

What's going on up there?

What's up?
Small plane up there.

HOGAN:
Engine cut out-- he's going to crash.

Over there.

( loud explosion )

NEWKIRK:
What do you think, sir?

One of ours
or one of theirs?

Let's check it out
through the tunnel.

( alarm ringing, dogs barking )

HOGAN ( whispers ):
Come on, let's go.

♪ Deutschland, Deutschland
uber alles ♪

♪ Uber all... ♪

All right, let's get back
to the tunnel.

SCHULTZ:
Halt, who goes there!

G-G-Guards!

G-G-G-Guards!

( blows whistle )

It's no good, let him go.

( whistle blowing )

Guards!

Comrade, comrade,
I am your comrade!

Halt!

Delighted to see you,
dear boy,

and delighted to "bweathe"
the "fwee" air of Germany.

( inhaling )

And take me to your leader,
as they say, what?

One of ours or
one of theirs?

I think he's one of yours,

and you can have him.

And you are
Sir Charles Chitterly?

Yes, you've heard of me,
of course.

Of course, of course.

Meant to land near Berlin.

Marvelous "bweak" for you,
old chap.

Name will go down in history,
that sort of thing.

What was your name,
by the way?

Uh, Klink, Kommandant
Wilhelm Klink.

Two K's, no C.
How terribly odd. However...

And you wish me to...?

Notify Berlin at once,
dear chap, at once.

A-At once.
Anyone special in Berlin?

The top man, Dolph,
naturally.

Dolph?
Adolph. "Tewwific" sport, isn't he?

Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

I say, that does have a "wing"
to it, doesn't it?

Top ho. And you will get on
with it right away, uh, uh...?

Klink.

Ah, yes, I'll remember that.

Two C's, no K.

Well?

Oh, the message is
that you are here?

I am here.

Get cracking,
there's a good chap.

Keen sort, your sergeant.

Saved me from those
footpads out there, whoever they are.

Sergeant Schultz,
Your Excellency.

Spelled whichever
way you like.

Witty, you are.
A-ha, a-ha, a-ha... ( laughing )

Well, well, well,
well, well?

I-I think I have it now.

Tell the Führer
that you are here.

And a "gweat" big kiss
for Eva "Bwaun," what?

A-ha, a-ha, a-ha...
( laughing )

( laughter over radio )

A great big kiss
to Eva Braun?

Chitterly. Chitterly.

Wasn't he a member
of the Cliveden set?

I think you're right, sir.

They're the ones that
Rudolf Hess went over to visit.

Now he's returning
the call, but why?

He's as nutty as Hess.
Could be.

Hold it, hold it.

Klink got through to Berlin.

Yes, of course,
Herr von Schlomm.

Every courtesy to Sir Charles.
I understand.

Stalag 13 is his
until your arrival.

And not a word to anyone.

I understand,
General von Schlomm.

Not a word.

As surely as my name is Klink,
spelled K-L...

( loud click )

Hello? Hello?

And may I extend to you,
Sir Charles,

the complete freedom
of our modest little prison?

Smashing.

So, he's a pretty
big fish.

Yeah, and whatever he's
doing here, it's no good.

What are we gonna do
about it, sir?

How about 26 pounds
of my new formula

set off right under
Klink's office?

Too dangerous
and too crude.

Crude?
It's nothing personal, Carter.

It's just that we've got to go
a different way.

Got anything in
mind, Colonel?

Nope.
You know, except for the glasses and the goatee,

he looks almost
like Colonel Crittendon.

Oh, not Crittendon.

What, have you gone
around the bend?

Bringing Crittendon?

I'm crude?
What about LeBeau?

Now, there's
a crude idea.

What idea?
What did I say?

About Crittendon...
Boy, is that...

Wait a minute,
hold it, hold it, hold it.

LeBeau is right.

He does look like Crittendon.

That's the way we're
going to have to go.

Oh, no, sir.
No, no, not that, sir.

You think I'm happy
about it Newkirk?

I want you and Carter
to go out tonight,

break in to Stalag 12
and bring Crittendon back here.

Aw, Colonel, no.

Carter, don't you know
there's a war going on?

I know it now, sir.

LeBeau.
Here.

Carter.

Baker.
Here.

Carter.

Where is Carter?

Schultz, any truth
to the rumor that

a certain sergeant's
up for a big promotion

because he stands in very
well with a certain VIP?

VIP?

Very important visitor.
Word's all around camp.

My lips are sealed.

Uh-huh.

Carter. Wait, wait,
where is Carter?

You're wasted here, Schultz.

Come on, when are you
going to Berlin?

The thought never
came into my mind,

but should it
happen... tomorrow.

When the brass arrive
from Berlin, huh?

Hitler's right-hand man,

General von, uh,
what's his name?

von Schlomm.

Yeah.
But, shh, top secret.

Uh-huh.

Where is Newkirk?

Uh, bookkeeping.

I understand you
saved the Englishmen from 50 partisans.

Hundred.
Mmm, might make captain for that.

Captain.
Yeah, at least.

What time's this
General von Schlomm

arrive from Berlin
tomorrow?

Early.

( whispers ):
But forget that I told you.

You may even make major,
Schultz.

Major Schultz.
Mm-hmm.

Report!

Major Schultz...

I mean,
Sergeant Schultz reporting!

All present and accounted for.

Hogan, this is
most irregular.

I mean,
I appreciate your men

breaking me out of Stalag 12,
but why bring me here?

Prisoner's first duty
is to escape, Hogan, escape!

I escaped 17 times
last year.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You're not answering
my question.

Crittendon, if I knew,
I'd tell you. Fair enough?

CRITTENDON:
Sounds fair enough, yes.

More padding
in the shoulder, hmm?

Right.

Your men threatened me, Hogan,
at gunpoint,

on your orders, they said,
and they're not even officers.

Crittendon,

there's a very important
visitor in camp, British,

Sir Charles Chitterly,

a traitor, and he just
happens to look like you.

My dear fellow,

why didn't you say so?

And you need an expert
to assassinate the traitor.

I'm your man, bing, bang, bing,

and we're all off
to jolly old England, what?

Wrong. I want you to take his
place and carry out his mission.

Most irregular.

What's his mission?

If I knew, I'd tell you.

LeBeau, lots
of medals, huh? Mm-hmm.

I like lots of medals.

Hogan, I refuse--
unconditionally.

Becoming a traitor,
carrying out a mission

without the foggiest notion
what it's all about?

No, no, no, no, no,
my dear chap. No.

Crittendon,
you may be right.

Really?
Afraid so.

This thing requires
acting ability.

It's asking too
much of you.

But if you could only give me
some sort of a...

Acting?

The quality of mercy
is not strain'd,

it droppeth like
the gentle... gentle, uh...

Forget it, Crittendon,
forget it.

Look, we'll get
somebody else.

It's nothing personal,
it's just the way things are.

Oh, no, no,
just a minute, Hogan.

You're being
completely dictatorial.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

And what you may have forgotten,
Hogan, is that I rank you.

Hmm. Can't argue
with that, Crittendon.

LeBeau, shave off
his mustache. Right.

My mustache?
It's all right, Crittendon,

you can always use
it as a goatee.

Decent of you, old boy.

Goatee?!

Okay, Carter, I
think Chitterly's in the bedroom.

You know what to do.

Yes, sir. I find out
from Chitterly why he's here.

Now, if he doesn't
tell me, then I press.

Not too much, 'cause
he might get suspicious.

Now, if he still
doesn't tell me...

Uh, Carter...
I think you've got it.

You're on your own.

Yes, sir.

( groans quietly )

Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

( groaning ):
Oh, oh...

Ooh!

So, this is the way
you receive

the personal envoy
of the Führer?!

Report!

Kommandant Klink
reporting, General von...

This is General
von Schlomm, isn't it?

Is this the uniform
of the day, Klink?

I'm terribly sorry,
General von Schlomm.

One of my aids should
have awakened me.

( laughs ):
But you know how it is.

All the best men are
sent to the front.

That is intended
as some sort of dirty crack?!

Dirty crack?
Oh, not at all, sir, far from it.

Not all the best men,
General von Schlomm.

After all,
look at me, sir.

I am looking at you.

Well, General von
Schlomm, the uniform does add quite a bit.

That's enough!

( stammering ):
Um... yes, sir.

We understood that the
general was not arriving until this morning, sir.

It is morning, Klink.

1:00 in the morning
is morning.

1:00 in the morning
is morning, yes, sir.

2:00 in the morning
is morning,

and 3:00 in the morning
is morning,

and remember that, Klink!

1:00 in the morning
is morning-- I think I have it now.

Yes, very valuable,
too, sir.

And 2:00?
2:00, also, yes, sir.

And 3:00!
And 3:00!

Three what, dear boy?

Three what?

Ah, Sir Charles.

General Wolfgang von Schlomm
at your service.

Oh, top ho.

Or as you chaps
say, Heil Hitler.

Heil, Hitler!
Very well put. ( chuckles )

Heil Hitler.

Klink, we will have schnapps

in celebration
of this glorious meeting.

Schnapps, right away.

Marvelous idea, General.

My very best.

Welcome to the sacred soil
of our victorious Fatherland.

Thanks much.

And what greetings
do you have for me

from those wonderful
people in Berlin?

A great big kiss.

From Eva Braun?

No, from Hermann Goering.

Even better.
A-ha, a-ha, a-ha!

Sir Charles, may I?

Sir.

To the complete
and early success

of your glorious mission!

Hear, hear.

Whatever it is.

I beg your pardon?

Y-Your mission.

Your mission.

Dolf didn't tell you?

Dolf?

I mean, the Führer,
he doesn't know himself.

No, his orders
are most explicit.

He said, "Find out what
Crazy Charlie is up to now!"

Those are his
exact words?

And very loud, too.

Shocking.

The Führer's well-known
sense of humor, no doubt.

Right, General?

One does not joke
about my mission.

Hitler's known
of it for weeks.

So he forgets.

If the mission
is such a crackerjack,

you would enjoy
telling it again.

Call me a
Messerschmitt, General.

I'm going back
to England.

You are a Messerschmitt
and you are staying here!

No!

Yes!

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

why don't we all reconsider this
in the morning?

I mean, in the morning morning.

Klink, you will check
your security.

My security?

Mm-hmm. It is loose.
It's very loose.

Very loose.
Excellent suggestion.

As soon as I get
my uniform on, I'll...

Now.

Now, now-- obviously
the best time.

And no schnapps
on duty.

No schnapps.

I was just about
to say that.

Out!

So, Sir Charles,

you still wish
to return to England?

At once, von Schlomm.

It's countries like this

that give fascism
a bad name.

Please, step
inside the stove.

I most certainly
will not.

Apart from anything else,
it's beastly hot in there.

All right, you.

Move it, now.

Beastly people,
you Germans.

We're not Germans.

Then it's simply
a beastly "countwy."

Beastly.

You did not see
General von Schlomm

enter my quarters,
Schultz, huh?

That is correct,
Herr Kommandant.

I did not see
General von Schlomm

enter your quarters.

You did not see him
enter my quarters, Schultz,

because you were asleep
when he entered my quarters.

No, Herr Kommandant,
I did not close my eyes.

Not once.

I wanted
to close my eyes,

but I did not close them.

Then how do you think

the general got
inside, Schultz, huh?

That, Herr Kommandant,
is not for me to say.

General von Schlomm,
Sir Charles, back to report.

All loose security
has now been tightened up and...

General von Schlomm?

Sir Charles?

Schultz! Schultz!

Get in here at once.

What happened, Herr Kommandant?

General von Schlomm
and Sir Charles,

they're both gone.

Uh-huh!

And what is that
supposed to mean?

Merely, uh-huh.

Schultz, please try
to understand.

A few minutes ago,
they were both here.

I stepped outside.

When I came back,
they were both gone.

Where?

Perhaps they went
through the back door?

There is no
back door.

Uh-huh.
That we can rule out.

Schultz, please,
try to concentrate.

Exactly,
Herr Kommandant.

( phone ringing )

I am not here.

Kommandant Klink's quarters.

Sergeant Schultz speaking.

Uh-huh!

What is it, Schultz,
what is it?

The mystery is solved.

General von Schlomm,
Herr Kommandant,

just came through the
main gate into camp

in his staff car.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Wait a minute.

How could he?

How did he get out?

There was no time.

And why?

Details.

Details?

And what about Sir Charles?

Was he with the general?

No, he came alone.

How could that be?

Uh-huh.

Schultz, I swear to you,
I did not touch a drop.

Too bad-- delicious.

Schultz!

Bad news.

The real General von Schlomm
just came through the main gate.

Crittendon,
you'd better get up there.

This is most
irregular.

CHITTERLY:
And shocking bad form.

Bad form all "awound."

Wait, it gets worse.

Beastly "countwy."

Sound the horn.

( horn blows )

Ah! Ah!
General von Schlomm.

How very nice
to see you again, sir.

Again?

Of course,
General von... uh, uh...

von, uh...
Schlomm?

No.

What is the matter with you,
Klink?

You are Klink?

I certainly am Klink, sir.

But begging the
general's pardon,

who's the general?

Have you been drinking?

Oh, certainly not, sir.

At least not that
I can remember.

I'm General von Schlomm.

You were not expecting me?

Well, yes, and no.

Bring my bag.

That is not
General von Schlomm.

Why not?

You saw him. It's
not the same man.

You saw him.

Well, Klink?

Ah, begging
the general's pardon.

This way, please, sir.

Right this way, sir.

Where is Sir Charles?

Ah, very good
question, General.

Cuts right to the heart
of the matter.

Where is Sir Charles?
Excellent.

I'm waiting.

He's not with you?

No.

No. Where is Sir Charles,
Schultz?

He went, the
Kommandant told me,

with General
von Schlomm.

Which is rather
hard to do

if you realize
that General von Schlomm...

Thank you very much, Schultz.

Oh, not right now,

thank you very much,
General.

You will make excellent
cannon fodder, Klink,

for the Russian front.

This is the bedroom?

Oh, yes, but I looked in there,
General, for Sir Charles.

Klink,

in our short period
of acquaintance,

I have come
not to rely desperately

on your powers
of observation.

Excellent judgment,
General von Schlomm, excellent.

Now we have found him.

Marvelous job, sir.

Listen, Klink, carefully,

and try
to understand, hmm?

I will sleep in there.

Of course, Herr General.

And where do you
want me to sleep?

On your head.

On my head?

In the morning,
Sir Charles and I

will be going
to Berlin.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And you will be
on the first train for Pinsk.

Pinsk.

For Pinsk?!

Um, what time will you
be leaving for Berlin,

General von Schlomm?

As soon as Sir Charles'
wife gets here.

Come.

Lady Chitterly's
coming here?

In the morning,
and that tears it completely.

Why?

Why? Why?

She'll turn me in
as an impostor, of course.

There's a good
chance of that, yes.

So we cut and run,
old boy.

Cut and run.

Sure, and when the Nazis
can't find any Sir Charles--

who's got to be very,
very important to them-- what happens?

They'll tear
this place apart.

Ah, but we won't be here.

I'm afraid we will.

We've just been
talking to London.

They're not quite sure
what Sir Charles is up to,

but they want it
stopped at all costs.

All costs, eh?
Blast.

Yep. And whatever
it is, she's involved.

She's been in Germany
for the last three months.

If you play
your cards right,

we should find out about
the mission from her.

Really?
How do I go about it?

Come on. Use your
imagination, Crittendon.

She hasn't seen you
in three months.

When you take her
in your strong arms,

she'll tell
you anything.

I'm sorry, Hogan, no.

There are some things

that a British officer
does not do.

Oh, for...

Colonel Crittendon.

Would you like to
see a picture of her?

We found one in
Sir Chitterly's wallet.

Sorry, chaps, but an officer's
moral code is, uh...

is, uh...

All costs, eh?

All costs.

Well, I, uh,
I suppose

it is all in the line
of duty, what?

Good lad.

You're, uh, quite sure

you should
stay here, Hogan?

We went over that,
Crittendon.

Well, dash it all,

a man needs a certain
amount of privacy

if he's going to, uh,

well, uh, carry
it off, what?

You'll get it.

What if she doesn't believe
you're her husband?

You'll also need
a certain amount of help.

Jolly good point.

Now, just how do you
propose to help me?

I haven't the foggiest.

I say, that's
a bit thick.

( door closes )

Thank you, General,

I think
that will be all.

As you wish,
Lady Chitterly.

They're here.

And how about
some champagne?

I have several
bottles

of a rather
amusing little year.

Klink.

Of course.
Of course.

( knock at door )

Uh, uh, come in.

Charles.

Darling.

HOGAN:
Hey!

I say, by jove,
I mean to say what?

I'll take that.

Who are you?

Never mind that.

von Schlomm may be here
in a couple of seconds.

Just tell me-- were
you trying to kill him

because he is
your husband

or because he isn't
your husband?

Because he...

No...

No, you're not Charles, are you?

You're just as glad, too,

with all due respect,
your ladyship.

( knocking )

VON SCHLOMM:
Lady Chitterly,

Sir Charles,
are you all right?

I heard sounds, shouting.

Well...

Well, I thought it
was rather strange.

How terribly quaint.

Now, where is he?

We're holding him.

Why were you trying
to kill him?

Because he's a
filthy traitor.

What's he doing
in Germany?

Sir Charles wants
England to surrender.

He's here to take
back Hitler's terms.

A few crumbs from the table
and Charles and his crowd

will press for
acceptance, loudly.

England would never buy it.

No, but it could hurt.

All right,
Lady Chitterly,

we don't have time
to check out references,

but we all seem
to be going the same way.

Will you work with us?

On two conditions.

One, that you give
me back my knife.

Two, that in the end,
you give me back Charles.

Agreed.

I've got work to do.

I'll check
with you later.

You're not leaving,
Hogan.

Sure, you need your privacy.

( softly ):
Hogan!

Talking to
London, Baker?

Right, Colonel.
What's the word?

They got any
great ideas?

Just play along
and see what turns up.

See what turns up?

We got poor
Crittendon up there

playing house
with a tigress,

Hitler waiting
for him in Berlin

with a great big kiss,

and London says
see what'll turn up?

What do they think
will turn up?

How about total disaster?

You'll think
of something, Colonel.

Sure.

I say, you chaps.

I'm sorry, sir.

He keeps on nagging

about wanting
to see his wife.

Not only wanting it,
demanding it.

Hogan, by all
the "wules" of warfare,

I have every "wight"
to expect...

You know something?

You open your mouth
one more time

you will see your wife.

What an extraordinary fellow.

I can't follow
a word he says.

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