All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s05e23 The Sergeants Analyst.eng

( theme song playing )

SCHULTZ:
Achtung! Achtung!

Everybody, achtung, achtung!

Achtung, everybody--
it's a barracks inspection!

I want everything put back
into the footlocker!

I want the windows washed
inside and out!

I want the walls scrubbed!

There is going to be inspection
by the commandant himself!

It's okay,
Schultz.

It's all clear
outside.

What a day,
what a day.

I'm more sergeant
at a supply depot than at the front.

Schultz, where's
my pumpernickel?

Oh.

I put it where it
won't be squashed.

I have it
someplace.

I put it
where it won't... won't...

Hey, look, a
pumpernickel pizza!

( laughs )

A pumpernickel
pizza!

That's a good one,
huh?

Yeah. Thanks,
Schultz.

How about
a little snack, Schultzy?

Well...
if you insist.

( laughs )

Just to be sociable.

The bread man
came through again.

Great.

Aha!

That's this section
right here.

Only need
one more section

to complete
the puzzle, huh?

Yeah.

When did the bread man
say he could deliver?

Final delivery
Friday.

Great.

Four more days

and we're going to have
a complete picture

of the German
West Wall.

And our friendly RAF
will make the wall come tumbling down.

Where's Schultz?

Sacking out
in my bunk.

Sleeping off
his lunch.

I wonder what
he's dreaming about.

His dinner.

SOLDIER:
Achtung!

HOGAN:
General Burkhalter, what a surprise.

It's supposed to be
a surprise.

I like to drop in
and inspect camp security,

especially when
Colonel Klink is out.

Show a little respect
for the general, men.

Attention!

Dress right!
Dress!

Ah, you'll have
to excuse

the breach of military
etiquette, sir.

The men aren't used
to having generals sneaking in on them.

Although you weren't
really sneaking--

you just sort of
surprised them.

Why, you
certainly did.

Didn't he, fellas?

Right, sir.
Sure did.

I've never been
so surprised

in me life, sir.

Me, too.

You caught us
red-handed.

Of course we weren't
doing anything

for you
to catch us at,

but if we had been,
you'd have caught us red-handed,

which we all know
we weren't!

What a surprise
if we were!

Why is he so nervous?

I'm not nervous;
I'm just surprised.

( snoring )

Stand aside!

And just
what is this?

I think it's what
we call a Schultz.

( gasps )

BURKHALTER:
On your feet, Schultz!

General Burkhalter,
what are you doing here?

First suppose
you tell me

what you were
doing there.

Well...

You're lying!

Did you see...

Enough!

I don't want to hear
any more of your lies.

That's the only one I had.

Schultz, evidently
your memory is failing.

You seem to have forgotten
which side you are on.

Oh, I'm on our side!

But you have trouble remembering
who's on their side.

Oh, the enemy!

Excellent, Schultz.

Your memory isn't
altogether gone.

A transfer
to the Russian Front

will completely
restore it.

To the Russian Front?

It works wonders
for memory failures.

In just a few days,

you won't be able
to forget the enemy.

Guards.

Tell the bread man

we can't wait
till Friday.

We've got to have
that picture

delivered
by tomorrow.

What if he
can't do it?

Then we'll have
to work out

another
delivery system.

Oh, boy, Schultz
is our only link

to the supply depot.

And when
he's gone,

you know where
that leaves us.

Yeah, with
a missing link.

Maybe we could delay
Schultz's transfer,

at least until after
we get the picture.

Klink's got
to sign it

to make it
official.

If he doesn't,
Schultz stays.

And if Burkhalter
finds out, Klink goes.

We'll just have
to make sure

Burkhalter doesn't
find it out.

Busy, Colonel?

Hogan, I am very busy.

I have a lot
of work to do

and I do not wish
any interruptions.

Right you are, sir.

Hilda!

Jawohl.

The commandant is not
to be disturbed:

no calls,
no visitors

and no interruptions,
no matter who.

And that's an order.

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant...

uh, Colonel Hogan.

Nobody's going
to bother you now, sir.

Except you.

Me? I'd be the last
one to bother you.

Yes, I know.

You're always
the first one.

Now, I told you,
I do not wish to be disturbed.

Quite so,
and I can assure you

nobody's going
to disturb you.

I feel disturbed.

So do I, sir.

Colonel, I want you
to tell me it isn't true.

I want you tell me that
you had no part in this.

I want you to tell me
the whole thing is a vicious lie.

Of course it is.

What is?

Sergeant Schultz
is being transferred to the Russian Front.

Schultz is transferred
to the Russian Front?

When did this happen?

While you were
in town.

I was sure that
you wouldn't do this to the man who thinks

you're the finest officer
in the Luftwaffe--

a faithful, loyal comrade
like Schultz.

The Russian Front.

A target like Schultz
wouldn't have a chance.

( knock at door )

Come in, come in.

Excuse me,
Herr Kommandant.

I know you left orders
not to interrupt...

Please, Schultz,
you're not interrupting me.

It's always
good to see an old comrade.

What can I do
for you, eh?

Nothing.

Nothing anybody can do.

I think you're supposed
to sign this.

What is it?

My transfer
to the Russian Front.

Herr Kommandant,
please...

I'm in very
bad health--

my head, my back,
my heart.

A bullet in any one of those
places could be fatal.

Schultz, Colonel Klink
wouldn't think of losing

his best sergeant.

Ja, but how about me?

It is you.

Am I right, sir?

Of course
you're right.

Commandant Klink's
the one that writes the orders around here

and no one else,
correct, sir?

Absolutely.

You mean
I do not have to go?

You heard the commandant;
now, back to your post.

Schultz, so you made
a few stupid mistakes.

You're lazy, you're fat,
you sleep on duty.

Still, you're
a likable clod.

Come on, Schultz.

But, Herr Kommandant,

you said I'm
your best sergeant.

You are, Schultz.

I've never had
another one like you.

I think we ought
to just tear up

those orders right now,
don't you, sir?

By the way, Schultz,
who issued...

Uh, Colonel, hey,
how about a picture of you and Schultz?

KLINK:
A picture, Hogan?

I've got a lot
of work to do.

It'll only take
a second, sir.

Just a shot of you
tearing up the transfer.

I think it'd give it
a nice touch.

How about...
how about this?

We let Schultz
tear these up.

Uh-huh. Fine, fine.

I'd like to see
General Burkhalter's face

when he hears
about this.

General Burkhalter?

When he hears
about what, Schultz?

That we tore up
his orders.

Stop that
or I'll have you shot!

Yeah, but
you told me...

Never mind what I told you;
do what I tell you now.

No more pictures, Hogan.

Well, that's all right.

I didn't have
a camera anyway, sir.

Hogan, when was
the general here?

This morning-- he came
sneaking into camp

for a surprise
security check.

Is he still here?

Uh-huh.

How do you know?

I can see him.

What is he doing?

Standing behind you.

Ah!

General Burkhalter,
how very nice to see you.

Those surprise
inspections of yours--

they never fail
to surprise me.

No, indeed.

A very wise
tactic, sir.

Keeps us
on our toes,

doesn't it,
Schultz?

He can't even
keep on his feet.

Did you get
the orders

for his transfer,
Klink?

Yes, sir, I have.

And I must say
I agree with you, sir.

I'm delighted
with your suggestion.

To the Führer
I make suggestions;

to you I make orders,

which I suggest you
carry out at once.

Yes, sir, I will.

And I have.

These orders are all
signed, sealed, delivered,

and he's
on his way to...

General Burkhalter,
how does our camp security look?

I don't know yet.

If Schultz is
any example of your men...

Oh, oh, oh,
no, no, he is not.

I can assure you
of that, sir.

I consider him a disgrace
to his uniform.

I don't know how
he got to be sergeant.

I don't even know
how he got into the Luftwaffe.

I don't know how he even
got to be a German.

( laughs )

Maybe he lied about his age.

Hogan!

At least you
haven't lost

your sense
of humor.

I never had one.

I'll be around,
Klink.

Yes, sir.

So will I.

We'll see.
We'll see...

I've got to hand it
to you, Colonel.

That was
the greatest job

of acting
I've ever seen.

You played
the cringing bootlicker to perfection.

I am a cringing
bootlicker.

That is,
I wasn't acting, Hogan.

But you're not
going to sign the transfer.

I'm only obeying orders.

Do you realize
if you sign that,

you're going
to be sending a man to a certain death?

And if I don't,

I'll be sending
two of us there.

Schultz, about face.

Four jars of caviar,
two canned hams,

four bottles of cognac.

Anything else we need?

You're giving
old Schultzy

a pretty big list,
aren't you?

Who knows
when we'll find

another supply sergeant
like him?

Yeah, but still,
you know,

he can only
carry so much under that topcoat.

He can make two trips.

Yeah, or wear
two topcoats.

( chuckles )

Any luck
with Klink?

Yeah,
all bad.

Looks like this
whole operation

is indefinitely
postponed.

What?
Why?

Schultz has been confined
to his quarters

till he ships out.

Such a magnificent
shopping list I had for him.

Kinch better contact
that bread man

and cancel
tomorrow's delivery.

Do you think he can get us
that picture by tomorrow?

It's what
the underground said.

There's got to be
a way for us

to get to that supply depot.

Klink's really busy now,

so he absolutely
can't be interrupted.

So what do we do?

Interrupt him.

Fräulein Hilda,
please come in here.

I need some help
with this paperwork.

Did you bring your pad?

Oh, I left it
on my bunk.

Hogan!

It'll just take
a second, sir.

Sign that.

Thanks, sir.

Just a minute!

What was that I signed?

Just a list of the men
for your work detail tomorrow:

Carter, Newkirk,
Kinch, LeBeau.

Oh.

Remember they're being punished,

so really make them work.

Don't worry,
I'll make them work, all right,

but, uh, what kind of work
are they supposed to be doing?

Helping you
load supplies

for the officers' club.

Schultz is
the supply sergeant.

He was; you've confined
him to quarters.

Oh.

That means I'll have
to find a replacement.

One thing you could depend on
was his honesty.

He was a man you could trust.

Yeah, I must give him
credit for that.

I always could trust Schultz.

He was too stupid
to be dishonest.

Which is more
than you can say for your other men.

Those Krauts are

the biggest thieves
I've ever seen.

That's not true.

Look what they stole
from France.

Yes.

Took everything
but the Eiffel Tower.

But that was the SS,
not the Luftwaffe.

Seen Göring's
art collection lately?

You're right.

If I ever made
one of those guards

supply sergeant,

there won't be
a salted herring

left for
the officers' club.

You may not even have
an officers' club.

Only one man that you can
really trust, Colonel.

Who's that?

Colonel Wilhelm Klink.

Aah! He's as crooked
as the rest of them...

I am the only one I can trust.

Yes, sir.

And you'll be right there
to keep an eye on yourself.

I'll have the men report
for the work detail

at 0900 minus ten tomorrow.

Fine, fine.

When?

That's ten minutes of 9:00.

Oh, good, that's even better.

Sliced peaches,
24 cans.

Okay, put them in the van.

Kinch.

Pears, 24 cans.

Okay, put them
in the van.

Carter.

Paint.

Paint?

Paint.

Get it in the van.

I'm sure the men
will think twice

before they break
any more regulations, sir.

You're really
working them today.

Hogan, I'm a
great believer in discipline.

I'm strict,
but I'm fair.

Yeah, no question
about it--

you're really
making them sweat.

Yes, I was
hoping...

Why are they
all wearing overcoats?

Well, they have to be
careful of pneumonia.

HOGAN:
All right, keep it moving, fellas.

The commandant's got
a lot more to pick up.

But I've got
everything on the list here.

You better check it
with Newkirk, sir.

Oh.

Where is it?

Are we safe?

It's now or never.

Where's Colonel Klink's
pumpernickel?

I bring it
right out.

Hogan, we don't need
any pumpernickel.

Yes, you do.

Pumpernickel's
a very German bread.

No, we don't need
any pumpernickel,

and I hate pumpernickel.

You're being very selfish.

What about
the other officers?

If they want some,
they can bring their own.

What if some high-ranking
officer goes into the club

and asks for pumpernickel?

High-ranking officers
do not come to our officers' club.

Well, what do you expect
without pumpernickel?

Thank you.

I'm not getting
something we don't need.

In the truck.

I happen to know
that General Burkhalter is crazy about pumpernickel.

Now, when he goes to the
officers' club and asks,

and they tell him
we don't have...

General Burkhalter
had dinner

at the officers' club
two years ago,

and he hasn't
been back since.

In the truck or
in the cooler, Hogan.

Dismissed!

We could break
into the supply depot.

No chance.

You saw all those guards.

NEWKIRK:
One lousy loaf of pumpernickel

between us
and the German West Wall.

If we could keep Schultz here

and General Burkhalter saw the
kind of soldier he really is...

He saw that
yesterday.

No.

Nope, he saw
what Schultz has become.

What about
the man inside?

He ate somebody?

What Burkhalter has to see
is the old Schultz,

the fighting machine that had
the respect of this entire camp,

the man who, when he snapped
his fingers, you jumped.

Schultz?

Our Schultz?

Sure, that was
five years ago.

Obviously, he's suffering
from a deep emotional problem,

a problem
that can only be solved

by the noted psychiatrist,
Dr. von Schramm.

Sir, you haven't
been here five years.

How do you know
what Schultz was like?

Overhead the entire story...
as I was telling it to you.

Yep, what Burkhalter has to see
is the old Sergeant Schultz.

Well, how
do we do that?

Well, I'll leave it
up to you...

Dr. von Schramm.

Colonel, what are we going
to do about Schultz?

Is that why you
disturbed me at lunch?

You're putting it away
pretty good

for a man
that's disturbed.

You want to help Schultz,
don't you?

Look, I've done
all I can for him.

I've spoken to
General Burkhalter.

When?

When he told me
to sign an order

transferring Schultz
to the Russian Front.

What'd you say?

I simply said, "Here it is."

Now, get out of here, Hogan.

Okay, it's your neck.

And stay out
my quart...

What's my neck?

Skip it.

It's not
that important.

My neck is very
important to me.

Now, what
do you mean?

Schultz is
being transferred

because Burkhalter thinks
he's a bad soldier.

He is a bad soldier.

Now, what has Schultz
got to do with my neck?

Colonel, I'm
quite sure

you've heard
the old Prussian saying:

"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."

I don't buy it, but,
uh... an old Prussian might.

An old Prussian like
General Burkhalter, you mean.

Does sound like him, doesn't it?

"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."

It's Burkhalter, all right.

That's something
he would say to me.

Yeah, and he'll say it,
all right.

Today, the sergeant;
tomorrow, the commandant.

No, no, General Burkhalter
would never transfer me

to the Russian Front
because of Schultz.

That would be grossly unfair.

It would be unjust and...

Hogan, what am I going to do?

Convince Burkhalter to give
Schultz another chance

to prove the kind
of soldier he really is.

He's already
seen that.

What we must
show him is

the kind of soldier that
Schultz really is not.

That's it--
great idea, Commandant.

I have my moments
of brilliance, Hogan.

Why don't you have one

and tell me
what we should do?

Dr. von Schramm,
of course!

Of course!

Who's Dr. von Schramm?

I read
about the doctor--

the most famous psychiatrist
in all of Germany.

You are German,
aren't you?

What does a psychiatrist
have to do with Schultz?

The doctor does miracles
with hypnosis--

creates an entire
new personality.

Operator, get me
Dr. von Schramm in Bremerheim.

May I use your phone,
Colonel?

Oh, ja, ja, ja.

I do hope the doctor makes
prison camp calls.

Dr. von Schramm...

just a moment, please.

Colonel Klink calling.

( whispers ):
Try to sound important.

Hallo, this is
Colonel Klink speaking of Stalag 13.

Ja.

That's right,
that's the place.

Ja.

The doctor's
heard of me.

Very impressed.

Ja, ja.

Oh, I would hardly
call myself a war hero.

"Unsung" is more like it.

Ja.

Doctor, I have a problem
with one of my key men,

and I wonder
if you could help me.

Yes, I realize you're a little
out of the way, but, uh...

( with feminine German accent ):
As a matter of fact, it isn't, Colonel.

I expect to be
in your area all day.

One of our Gestapo officers
is showing signs of decency.

Obviously insane.

What are you going to do
to me, Frau Doktor?

I want you to look
at this pendant.

Watch it swing
back and forth,

back and forth.

Your eyes are closing.

Let them close.

Just drift off
into a deep sleep.

He'll be completely...

Colonel Klink.

Colonel Klink!

( grunts )

Oh, sorry,
I must have dozed off.

Did I miss anything?

I am about to give him
a posthypnotic suggestion.

He'll be a new man
when he awakes.

Sergeant Schultz,
can you hear me?

Yes, you said I'm going
to be a new man when I awaken.

Am I asleep?

Certainly you are asleep.

You're in a very deep,
deep hypnotic sleep.

Jawohl,
Frau Doktor.

( snaps fingers )

Fantastic.

Believe me, Colonel,

he'll never be
the same man again.

And if you're not amazed
at the results,

then my name is not
Brunhilde von Schramm.

Sergeant Schultz, you are
ruthless, you are fearless,

you are
a leader of men.

CARTER:
Roll call, Colonel.

All right, fellas,
you know what to do.

KINCH:
Don't worry, Colonel.

We'll make Schultz
look great.

Newkirk, did you round up
all the goodies?

Done, sir.

All right.

Let's go out and prove
that Dr. von Schramm

is the greatest hypnotist
of all time.

Line up,
line up.

Okay, Schultz!

We're not deaf.

Give us half a chance,

will you, big fella?

You're a real tiger this
morning, aren't you, Schultz?

I mean, Sergeant Schultz.

Real tiger?

Don't tell me you're starting
to take this war seriously.

Don't argue with him,
just obey him.

We know you're a sergeant.

You don't have to start
acting like one, do you?

Maybe it's about time
I do act like one!

Attention!

Straighten up, everybody!

Next thing you know,
he'll want to inspect the barracks.

That's exactly
what I'm going to do

right after roll call.

Eyes front!

That's Hogan's barracks.

The prisoners are
30 seconds early.

What of it?

Oh, they've never
been early before.

As a matter of fact, they've
never been on time before.

This is a big event.

Klink, I'm sure this is
a proud moment in your military career.

Thank you, sir.

If you got me up just for that,
it is also the end of it.

What is that fathead Schultz
doing out there?

KLINK:
Being the good German soldier he once was.

General Burkhalter, there
is an old Prussian saying:

"A soldier is only as good
as the officer he serves."

Do you think
we created a monster?

Who was talking?

The one
who was talking

will take
one step forward!

( chuckles quietly )

Everybody was talking,

so everybody will do
some walking.

There will be one hour
close-order drill

right after barrack inspection!

Yes, I think
we have created a monster.

General Burkhalter,
I found these things

hidden in the barracks

during my
expert inspection.

What have we here?

Well, very fine cigars.

Knowing that the general
smoked cigars,

I thought
you might try some

to see if they are real.

They could be anything--

saw blades, files,
secret messages.

I'll check them out
immediately.

That's using
your head, Schultz.

Thank you, General.

What have we here?

Cheese?

Knowing what a gourmet
the general is...

I'll take it.

Yeah, why don't
you check it out at lunch?

Yes, General,
why don't you take the whole carton?

The general can check
the brandy after dinner,

and Mrs. Burkhalter can
wear the silk stockings

to see if they are real.

You have
a good man here, Klink.

One of the best!

Yeah, he said
he was going

to search
the barracks every week.

I did?

Yes, and I resent it.

You've got
an excellent idea, Sergeant.

No telling
what you might find.

Jawohl, General!

I'll send you a list
of things to look for.

What about his transfer?

Nonsense.

You would transfer
a fine soldier like him?

Remember we old Prussians
have always said,

"An officer is only as good
as the soldier who serves him."

Oh, no, thanks, sir.

That might be
the one that explodes.

SCHULTZ:
Raus, everybody! Raus!

I need four volunteers
for work detail!

You must
be kidding.

We'll find
you some.

I think
I found them already--

you, you, you and... you.

Oh,
shove off.

We just got finished
with a work detail!

That's why I picked you,

because I need
experienced men.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

That's a good one.

All right,
wait a minute.

Wait a minute,
Schultz.

According to the
rules of the Geneva Convention...

Oh, don't give me any rules,

because I do not know
how to play the game.

Schultz, these men
are exhausted.

I won't allow
them to do any more work today.

You don't expect me
to unload the supplies

for the officers' club
by myself.

Supplies?

That's different.

All right,
come on, fellas.

Let's get going.

You rested long enough.

Thank you.

Thank you, Colonel.

Colonel, maybe later on,

we could have
a little snack, huh?

That's fine, Schultz,
but I'm afraid

I don't have
any more pumpernickel.

( chuckling ):
I got the last one,

but this time,
I did not sit on it.

I kept it right
here... ( pop )

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0