All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s04e16 Who Stole My Copy of Mein Kampf.eng

( theme song playing )

That you, Kinch?

It ain't Ludwig Krausmyer.

Who's he?

How should I know?
I never heard of him.

Hey, what's
all the fuss?

You know I look
terrible in the morning

if I don't get my rest.

Just got an urgent
message from London.

What's it about?

I don't know.
It's in the new code.

Colonel Hogan will
have to break it down.

Sounds important.

Colonel. Colonel.

Urgent message
from headquarters.

Don't those guys
in London ever sleep?

It's in the new code.

All right.

"Top priority assignment
of utmost importance.

You take immediate steps..."

SCHULTZ:
Achtung!

"So in personal hygiene,
the proper care of the nails,

"cannot be too
strongly emphasized.

"The fingernails
should be filed

"to form a
parallel surface

"with the balls
of the fingers.

The cuticles should be..."

Oh, hi, Colonel.
Nice of you to drop in.

I was just
reading to the men

on personal hygiene...

more specifically,
care of the nails.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Cleanliness and daintiness
are not clock watchers.

You know the rules!

Lights out at 9:00 sharp
with everybody in bed!

But everybody!

Schultz, leave the
rules to me, huh?

Jawohl, Commandant.

Well, what are
you waiting for?

Everybody to bed!
But everybody!

Hogan! There is something
fishy going on here.

I would like to know
what you and your men

are doing up at this
hour of the night.

It's no use
trying to fool you.

Now you're getting smart.

If you must know,
we were planning an escape.

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh!

How were you
planning to do it?

Must I tell?

That's an order.

Well, we noticed
that every morning,

the dogs are taken out of camp
and allowed to run for exercise.

Take some notes, Schultz.

Go on.

Well, we were planning on
disguising ourselves as dogs.

And while digging for bones,
we'd break for the woods.

With all those trees,
no one would think it unusual.

Ooh. That's
very clever.

Very clever!

Oh, shut up, Schultz.
That's an order.

I don't know
what you're up to,

but whatever it is,
forget it.

Mm-hmm.

Just to make sure
that you won't give

any more
lectures tonight.

Good night, Commandant!

Night, Shultzie.

Schultz?

Yeah?

Oh, thank you.

They got the book.

How we going
to get it back?

It's sticky.

If I make too
much of a fuss,

Klink's going
to get suspicious.

Meanwhile, there's
something urgent

we're supposed to do
right away and we haven't

got the foggiest
idea what it is.

Why don't we radio
headquarters and ask them

to repeat the message
in the old code?

We destroyed it.

Besides, I wouldn't
want them to know

how careless we are
with books.

They might take away
our library card.

General Burkhalter
to see Colonel Klink.

( snoring lightly )

Ps-s-s-s-st!

Schultz, that isn't the way
to wake a sleeping prince.

Oh, General Burkhalter.

What a pleasure.

I was so deep in thought
I didn't realize...

Klink!

This is Colonel Sitzer.

It's a pleasure.

And to what do I owe the
pleasure of this visit?

Not that there
needs to be any reason...

I am with the
ministry of propaganda.

Oh, that's a wonderful
branch of the service.

Oh, what a job
you people are doing.

I've always said you people
are doing more to end this war

than anyone else.

Colonel Klink, we've been
looking at your records

very carefully.

I can explain that.
That's not my fault.

Although technically
I was in charge

of all the money
at the officer's club,

Lieutenant Klein
also had a key...

Klink!

Colonel Sitzer is talking about

your perfect record in the camp.

He is?

Yes.

What are you talking about?

Was I talking about something?

I don't remember what it was.

We believe that
what you have done

deserves public
recognition.

I was only
doing my duty.

Naturally, I'm flattered,

and I hope that others
will be inspired by my example.

We are not doing
it for you, Klink.

It is for the propaganda value.

You will be
presented with

an award and
a national radio hookup.

An award?
For me?

Let me say, sir.

I accept it with
the deepest of humility.

We want you
to keep it a secret

until the presentation.

That way we will get
the full impact

on public opinion.

Oh, you have nothing
to worry about, sir.

My lips are sealed.
I won't say a word.

A secret is sacred to me.

Wild horses
and torture

could not drag
one syllable out of me.

If there's one thing
I'm not, it's a talker.

I must admit if there is
anything more outstanding

than your humility,
it's your golden silence.

Thank you,
General Burkhalter.

I think we'd better be
getting back to town.

I'll have the car brought
around, right away.

Oh, sir, I was wondering...

You will receive
the award in about a week.

In the meantime,
remember it's a secret.

You can depend on me.
Absolute silence.

A sphinx.

They won't get
a word out of me.

The car, Klink.

Oh, the car, sir.
Yes, the car.

Right away, the car.
Pardon me, the car.

Are you sure
no prisoner

has ever
escaped from him?

Don't look at me.

I don't
understand it either.

Return from scout mission, sir.

You see where
the code book was?

Nothing escapes
these eagle eyes, sir.

It was on old Klink's desk.

You would think he would put it
in a real hiding place.

Why should he?
As far as he knows,

that's just a book
on personal hygiene.

All right, you men
know what to do.

Battle stations.

Schultz, see to it
that my dress uniform,

the new one,
with my decorations

on it is in order.

I will see to it,
Herr Kommandant.

It's for a very
special occasion.

Yes, sir.

I suppose
you're curious

to know what
the occasion is?

No, sir.

But I can't tell you
because it's secret.

Yes, sir.

And there is no use
you're trying to get it out of me.

Yes, sir.

Let me give you one hint.

It's a great honor,
and it has something

to do with an award.

Can you guess
what it is?

No, sir.

You're not even trying.

Let me give
you another hint.

Am I the Kommandant
of this camp?

Yes, sir.

Has any prisoner ever
escaped from this camp?

No, sir.

Very clever, Schultz.
You guessed it.

I guessed what?

That I am getting
an award for never

having had an escape
from this camp.

Oh, you're getting
an award...

Schultz! How dare you
discuss this with me.

I told you
it was a secret.

Yeah, but
Herr Kommandant...

No! You've said
enough already!

See to it that you
keep your mouth shut from now on.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Schultz.
What's new?

Don't ask me.

I know nothing.
Nothing!

What is it, Hogan?
Another complaint?

No, sir.

I've been thinking
about our breaking

the rules, being up
after lights out last night.

It was wrong
and we owe you an apology.

No harm done.
Your apology is accepted.

No, this is a formal apology.

You want to stand out
here just a minute, sir?

Okay, fellas.

Places.

Okay.

Now.

( together ):
Colonel Klink.

We wish to take
this opportunity

to apologize
for not obeying

the rules.

We are sorry and promise
it will never happen again.

Never.

We sincerely hope

you will accept

this apology,

in the spirit in which
it is given.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

That was very nice.

Okay, fellas, that's
it, let's go.

Colonel Klink's a busy man.

Ah, Hogan, I want
to talk to you.

I've got a million
things to do.

Can't it wait
until later?

This won't
take very long.

Okay, what is it?

Now, Hogan, you know
there are always

many rumors
flying around

in a camp like this.

Now there's one
particular rumor

that I would
like you to kill

the moment you hear it.

Consider it killed.
Anything else?

You haven't even
heard the rumor yet.

You may hear
that I'm getting

an award, you may even
have heard it already.

No, but if I do,
I'll stop it immediately.

Now, mind you,

I'm not saying
that it's the truth,

and I'm not saying
that it isn't.

But I will say,
that I'm very honored.

I'm even very grateful.

I might even say
I'm deeply touched.

Fine.
Can I go now?

Hogan, you don't seem
to be very impressed.

Well, why should I be?
I never believe rumors.

Hi, Kinch, you got
that message decoded?

Just finishing,
Colonel.

"Important that you
take immediate steps

"to silence Leslie
Smythe-Beddoes, defector.

"Now being assigned
to the German

"Propaganda Ministry.

"Use whatever means
you consider necessary,

"this party is now
in town of Hammelburg,

near your camp, preparing
for a special radio broadcast."

Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

He sounds like one of mine.

A rat like that
doesn't belong to anybody.

Let me take
care of him, Colonel.

Sorry, he's
my responsibility.

Headquarters wants to know
what steps you've taken

about Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

Tell them we
haven't taken any steps.

We're still crawling.

You really want
me to send that?

No, I'm sorry
for blowing up.

Tell them we're
proceeding

according to plan.

What plan?

That's what we're
trying to find out.

What about giving them
a present?

A fountain pen that goes "boom"
when you write with it.

That's no good.

The first thing anyone does

with a gift pen is
write his own name.

I could still be with him
when he writes us both off.

Klink and Schultz.

Oh, Colonel Hogan.

Kommandant Klink wants
to see you outside.

What about?
What do you think?

He wants your advice
how to win the war.

I'll be glad to give him
some pointers.

Thanks for telling me.

I-I-I didn't tell you.

I mean, I did,
but I didn't.

I'll tell him
you didn't tell me.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan.
Say nothing. Nothing!

All right, but it's
going to make

for a one-sided conversation.

You want to see me, Commandant?

Nothing special.
Everything all right?

As well as
can be expected

if you don't
expect too much.

Fine, fine.

By the way, Hogan.

I suppose that, uh,
rumors about me

and my award
are all over the camp?

No, I haven't
heard a word.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I couldn't be happier.

Is that all?

No, Hogan.

When a man
gets an award,

isn't it customary
that he makes a speech?

I'd say it
was inescapable.

That's what I thought,

so I wrote down
a few stray thoughts.

Stray thoughts?

Whatever happened
to a simple thank you?

Well, from a man
in my position, they expect more.

Listen to this...

Mm-hmm.

"An honor such as this

"comes only once
in a man's lifetime,

"and although I feel
unworthy of this tribute,

"I would be less than
honest if I did not admit

"how moved I am to
receive this award,

"which says, in effect,

"'Well done, thou good
and noble solider.

Well done, Colonel Klink.'"

What's the matter,
don't you like it?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
it's fine, it's...

a little heavy to start.

Should begin
with something light.

I don't follow you.
Well, begin with something amusing like, uh...

"Hey, funny thing
happened to me on the way to the Reichstag.

"Ran into these two
guys, Pat and Mike.

"Pat just got a new
pair of shoes, and he says to Mike,

"'You know, these
shoes are so tight,

"'I'm going to have to
wear 'em a dozen times

before I can put 'em on.'"

Who are Pat and Mike?

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

You'll have to change
them to Bavarians Hans and Otto,

but it's basically
the same joke.

Hogan, I am going
on the radio,

and everybody in Germany
will be listening to me.

I can't make jokes as if I were
talking to my barber.

Well, even your
barber would...

Barber.
What are you mumbling about?

Yeah, uh, Commandant,
I'll listen to the rest of your speech later.

But Hogan, you haven't heard...

Okay, Schultz, out.

But I'm losing.

So, what else is new? Out.

Eh, merci, Schultzy.
Thanks, Schultzy.

Thank you very
much, mate.

Men, I know how we can get rid
of Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

I knew you'd figure
it out, boy... sir.

Actually, Klink
gave me the idea.

The one thing you
can give a man

and be sure it'll be
hours before he uses it:

an electric razor.

Hey, and I can rig
a charge to go off as soon as it's plugged in.

Get to work on it right away,
will you, okay?

Newkirk, I want
a German uniform.

I'm going into town.

Right, sir, uh... what
rank would you like?

Oh, what's in
this season?

Your basic captain's
always in good taste.

All right, basic captain it is,
but, uh, without the pearls.

One electric razor
for Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

I just thought
of something.

What if this
guy has a beard?

Even guys that have beards
have to shave some part of their face.

Watch it, Schultz coming.

Oh, brother.

Where's Colonel Hogan?

Oh.

Colonel Hogan, Colonel
Klink wants to see you

in his office immediately.

Sorry, Schultz. Tell Klink
I'll take a rain check.

I've, uh...
I've got a toothache.

Well, he won't like it.

I'm not too crazy
about the toothache myself.

I'll tell him, but
he won't like it.

Whoo, boy.

Hey, you're not still
going, are you, Colonel?

That's the plan,
isn't it?

But you know Klink.

If you don't come to
him, he'll come to you.

I know. Corporal Newkirk.

Sir?
As of now, you're a colonel.

The propaganda ministry
wants a rundown

on the radio broadcast.

First, the children's chorus

singing "We Salute You,
Gentle Fuhrer."

Then the loyalty
pledge to the Fuhrer, our warrior leader.

Followed by a report
of the glorious victories

on the eastern front.

How long do you think
that should be?

It can be as long or
as short as we need.

We're making it up anyway.

Then the award
to the prison commandant.

Oh, yeah, Colonel...
what's his name?

Uh...

Klink.

( sighs )

The same dull stuff
we've been doing.

I wish we had
something different,

some kind of a surprise.

What if we told them the truth
about the eastern front?

( laughs ):
I said surprise, not shock.

Do you know what a chap can get
for impersonating an officer?

Do you know
what a chap will get

if Klink finds out
you're not an officer?

Here he comes.

Hogan, when I send for
you, that's an order.

Colonel Hogan
has a toothache.

( groaning )

Oh, stop it,
Hogan, be a man.

Dismissed.

( groans )

Now, listen, Hogan,
the best thing for a toothache

is to get your mind off it...
( groans )

so, uh... I'll read you
some of my speech.

I think you'll enjoy it.

( groans )

And this could be a two-minute
segue into the next speech.

Well, maybe. Yes,
Captain, what is it?

I, uh... I'm looking
for Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

For what reason?

That's who this package
is for.

I'll take it.

I am Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

You're not.

Captain, don't
be impertinent.

If the lady says she's
Leslie Smythe-Beddoes,

then she's Leslie
Smythe-Beddoes.

Now,

may I have the package?

( laughs ):
I made a terrible mistake.

I have the wrong
Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

The wrong one?

Oh, yes, uh, you see,

this is Leslie J.
Smythe-Beddoes... Jr.,

and that's not you, is it?

No.
Yes, well, it's one of those everyday mistakes.

I'll have it
taken care of.

Captain, what is
your division?

I'm on detached service, sir.

I've just returned
from the eastern front.

Poor man.

He's one of
the lucky ones.

Well, don't blame
yourself, Colonel.

How could you know
Leslie was a girl?

And how could headquarters
ask us to knock her off?

Well, that's going too far.

I don't know, I don't know.

That message didn't
say anything about knocking her off.

Yes, it did.
It said... "Silence her."

And keeping a woman from talking
isn't easy, either.

And we can't disobey the order.
We got to do...

Hold it. What's this?

NEWKIRK:
Klink is doing better these days.

LeBEAU:
That's what we need more of in this camp.

I wonder who she is.

That, gentlemen,
is Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

Oh, how can anything
so good be so bad?

As I recall, a message
from headquarters said

I could use
whatever means I like.

You've found a means
you like?

A dangerous animal
can be made harmless

by removing its teeth.

Okay, Colonel, but
her smile's going to lose an awful lot.

Colonel, you've probably heard

one of these propaganda
broadcasts before.

Oh, yes, they're
very delightful and stimulating.

They have a tendency
toward dullness.

A dullness. Oh, yes,
they're very monotonous.

Now, we're looking
for something

to make this program
just a little different.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Is there anything in your background

of special interest?

Well, who am I to say?

Ah. Have you any medals
for outstanding bravery?

Are you, uh,
an accomplished musician?

Do you write?

Paint?

Outstanding athlete?

All right, I'll prove it to you.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Commandant, didn't know you had company.

Hogan, why don't you knock?

Uh, this is Colonel Hogan,
senior POW officer.

Hi.
Colonel.

Haven't we met before?

Gosh, no. I'd
never forget you.

Strange. You look
very familiar to me.

Hogan is a very
common type.

What do you want, Hogan?

Carter and I were
having an argument.

I wanted to prove
something to him,

and I couldn't find
my copy of Mein Kampf.

I wondered if I
could borrow yours.

My copy?

You do have a copy
of Mein Kampf?

Oh, oh, yes, of course.

I wonder where I put it.

I don't seem to remember.

It is here, I know.

Never mind, I'll
do it from memory.

Now the question was,
"Today, Germany;

tomorrow, the world;
the day after tomorrow, we'll see."

Now, what does that mean?

It means there is one
justice, one love,

and Hitler wants it
for the whole world, today and tomorrow.

CARTER:
I don't agree.

HOGAN:
That's because you're blind.

You've been taken
in by the decadent philosophy of the Allies.

Don't you see

what the Fuhrer's
trying to say?

Colonel Hogan.
Yes?

May I have a word with you?

Miss Smythe-Beddoes?

Carter, tell the men
there's a reward

for the one who
finds Mein Kampf.

You seem to have
very unusual ideas

for an American
prisoner of war.

Well, I've had a chance to think
and see since I've been here,

and it's changed
my ideas a lot.

I, um, realize that the new
Germany is the new world.

If you feel that way,
why not tell the world?

Gosh... who'd care
how I feel?

I would.

So would a lot
of other people.

You must share your
thoughts with them.

How could I do that?

On the radio,

tonight, with me.

Oh, I couldn't.
Oh, you must.

Is that an order?

Yes.

All right.

Gosh. Feel like a Nazi
already.

What is the surprise

that you have planned
for the broadcast?

Ah, you will see.

Oh, well, it
better be good.

I just got word the
Fuhrer is listening in Berlin.

How do I look?
Fine. Don't worry.

It's just a
radio broadcast.

That's right.
Heard by millions of people.

Millions of people.
And the Fuhrer.

The Fuhrer.

That was the Fuhrer's
favorite selection.

And now I would like
to introduce to you

Colonel Wilhelm Klink

of Stalag 13.

Hello!

Tonight, we honor
Colonel Klink

who, as commandant
of Stalag 13,

has never had a
prisoner escape.

Colonel, may I present
you with this scroll.

( gasps )

Uh... uh... uh,
that reminds me

of the story of the two
Bavarians, Pat and Mike.

They...
Thank you, Colonel Klink.

And now we have
a real surprise for you:

an American prisoner of war

who has some interesting things
to tell you.

You are Colonel
Hogan of the United States Army Air Corps?

That's one of my names.

One of your names?

Well, I had another name
when I was in prison.

Naturally, you don't give

your right name
in a case like that.

You were in prison?

Three times. Bum raps.

Colonel, you had an
opportunity to observe

the new Germany and
the United States.

Now, how would
you compare them?

Oh... no comparison at all.

Back home, everybody
thinks for themselves.

All those decisions
to make.

Here, one man
thinks for everyone.

Saves a lot
of wear and tear.

I'm, uh...
I mean, take the Russian front.

That was Hitler's idea,
yet I think it's so wonderful

you don't hear one word

of criticism about it.

You've... read Mein
Kampf, I believe.

Oh, yeah, you bet.

You know that guy
Hitler that wrote it?

A lot of people think
just 'cause he wears

that silly mustache,
the book's a lot of junk,

but...
And now, the orchestra will play

another favorite selection
of the Fuhrer's.

Colonel Sitzer,
believe me,

I didn't know that
he was going to...

Miss Smythe-Beddoes,

I believe your usefulness

to the Third Reich
has come to an end.

I didn't even get
a chance to say

what a great guy Hitler is.
Golly.

Yes, sir, yes, yes.

Yes, my Fuhrer.

Colonel, was that
really the Fuhrer?

Himself, talking to me.

Gosh.

Did he have anything to say
about me?

Oh, yes.

He said you should be turned
over to the Gestapo at once.

Oh, no.
Oh, you're lucky.

You get to stay
in Germany.

Did the Fuhrer say anything
about my speech?

Not a word.

He didn't mention me
at all?

Did he say anything
about me?

Oh, yes, he talked
about the both of you.

What did he say?

He said that if this man
ever attempts to escape...

let him.

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