All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s04e13 Will the Real Colonel Klink Please Stand Up.eng

( theme song playing )

First, a troop plane
was derailed here.

Then a train
carrying fuel

was sabotaged
at this point.

And yesterday,
a hospital train,

right here, with
Red Cross markings,

was attacked.

They bombed
a hospital train?

Blew it to bits,
with the very first bomb.

Only one bomb destroyed
the whole train?

The train was loaded
with ammunition

from the engine
to the caboose.

Ah! Three vitally important
shipments destroyed

in four weeks.
Terrible.

Shocking.

This next train
must get through.

It is carrying aircraft engines
which the Luftwaffe

needs very badly.

Who knows about
the scheduling

of these trains?

Besides me, you mean?

Naturally, General,
you are beyond suspicion.

Thank you.

Advance information is given
only to the commandants

of the POW camps in the area.

Braun, Schlessinger and Klink.

Braun and Schlessinger are
dedicated, loyal officers.

They would not be traitors.

That leaves only Klink.

It would seem so, wouldn't it?

Klink is too stupid to
be part of a sabotage plot.

Then why do you keep him
in his job, General?

Because no prisoner
has ever escaped

from his camp and no other
prison commandant

can match that record.

A perfect cover up
for a traitor,

but he cannot
outwit the Gestapo.

We will catch him.

If he's guilty.

Whether he's guilty or not,
we, at the Gestapo,

deal only in results.

I suppose you have
some sort of a plan?

Ja, I have.

You will have Captain Herber
here, assigned...

You will have Captain Herber
here assigned

to Klink as his aide.

That way you will
have an eye on him

and when he makes
his first mistake,

I will have my traitor.

You can depend on me, sir.

I will get him.

How are they camouflaging the
train with the airplane parts?

At my suggestion, it will be,
to all outward appearances,

a luxury passenger train.

The Berlin Express.

What do you think of the idea?

Oh, I think it is every bit
as good as your idea

for the hospital train.

Well, that takes care
of the hospital train.

Now we've got
to be looking for

the next shipment.

Maybe they'll send
it in by covered wagon.

In that case, they can
expect an Indian attack.

Colonel.

Yeah?

Headquarters just got
the recon photos

of yesterday's
bombing raid.

They send congratulations.

We aim to please.

And there's a P.S.

Underground reports
of aircraft engines

being shipped by rail.

"We're counting on you."

Hmm.

Newkirk?

Sir?

Did you replace
those missing parts

to Klink's staff car?

Yes, sir. They're all
put back in again.

Take them
back out again.

We made need
the car tonight.

I wonder what kind of train
they'll use this time.

They've tried
to fool us

with an excursion train,
a hospital train...

Hey. It might
be a good idea

to disguise this one
as a munitions train.

Yeah.

We'll know all
the details

as soon as Klink
gets the schedule.

I saw Schultz
taking in the mail

a few minutes ago.

Well, what are we
waiting here for?

We've got
a train to catch.

A Captain Herber?

That's very nice
of you, General Burkhalter,

but I don't
need an aide.

You see...

Yes, sir.

I need all the help
I can get and shut up.

Thank you, sir.
Heil Hitler.

Hogan, what do you want?

I just want to
say good morning, Colonel.

What a lovely morning
it is, too.

The sun is shining.
The sky is clear.

A brisk breeze is blowing.

And when I want a weather
report, I'll turn on the radio.

I left strict instructions
with Sergeant Schultz

not to be disturbed.

Oh, good!

We haven't had
one of our

private little
chats in a long time.

And we're not going
to have one, either.

I'm busy and I'm
in no mood for it.

You sound like
a man who could use a little good news.

I certainly could.

And I hope you get some,

because what I have
to say is terrible.

It always is.

Well, it's not really that bad.

It's just, it's going
to take a week

to fix your car.

A week to have my car fixed?

I only took it to the motor pool
to have it washed.

And a lucky thing you did.

Otherwise, my men
wouldn't have found out

what was wrong with it.

It was dirty, that's what was
wrong with it, nothing else.

Colonel Klink!
Are you a mechanic?

Can you honestly
say you're an expert

in gasoline engines?

It takes an expert to see
that a car needs washing?

You haven't
driven that car

in quite a while.

Eight parts are missing.
Here's a list of them.

Eight parts are missing?

How?

They didn't just disappear.

By golly, Sergeant Carter
used those very same words.

I guess you are an expert
in mechanics at that.

When I drove
the car into town

the other day,
it was perfectly all right.

That's it.
They were stolen.

It's the only answer.

Stolen?

The day you drove into town.
Oh, they'll steal anything.

You don't know
them like I do.

Those Krauts
are as crooked

as a dog's hind leg.

Don't tell me
about those Krauts.

I was born here.

A bigger bunch
of thieves never existed...

Hogan.

If those parts were gone,
how was it possible

for me to drive back here, huh?

Good point.

They must have been
stolen right here

in camp by one
of your guards.

They're worse than
those gangsters in town.

How do you know
it wasn't one

of the prisoners, hmm?

Why pin it on the prisoners?
They haven't done anything.

No reason to suspect them.

The fact that they're
in jail might be a good start.

They're not here for stealing.

They're here
because they're men

who believe
in freeing the world

from the yoke
of tyranny

and oppression.

Men who believe...

When I want
a long-winded speech,

I'll listen to the Fuhrer.

Are you sure you had nothing
to do with the missing parts?

Me? Yeah, yeah.

I stole them.

For months now I've been
stealing auto parts.

You see, secretly
in the barracks,

we're building
a getaway car.

( buzzer )

These are a real dust catchers,
these are, Schultz.

So what is it, Schultz?

You buzzed me.

I did not.

Yes, you did, sir.
I saw it myself.

You said I'm going
to check into this thing

and you reached over
and pressed the buzzer.

I did?
Mm-hmm.

Oh! Yes, I remember now.

Of course I buzzed you.
Yes.

I knew I wasn't hearing things,
Herr Kommandant.

What do you want,
Herr Kommandant?

Well, I... I...
What is it I wanted, Hogan?

You were going to
check into this thing.

Yes.

I want you to check into this
thing and I want you

to check into it thoroughly.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Check into what thing?

Ask Hogan, I don't even
remember pushing the buzzer.

All right, turn around.
Perfect.

Well, sir, what
do you think?

Good.
Very good.

You think it looks enough
like Colonel Klink

to fool the guards
at the gate?

Just talk loud,
don't make any sense

and they'll never know
the difference.

Hey, how about giving
Carter a couple of medals?

Yeah, what sort of
decoration does Klink have?

Stolen.

All right.
You've got everything straight?

Maybe you'd better run
through it once more.

Colonel Klink isn't
too bright, you know.

At 9:55 I go in
to the station master

and I tell him I have this
package that has to go out

on the Berlin Express.

It's of great military
importance.

And if he asks any questions?

I yell and scream at him.

Call him a few 12-letter names,
and if he still gives me

an argument, I think
of something else.

Carter, you overpower him
quickly and quietly.

I think it's much safer
to think of something else.

Andrew, the station master's
a little old man.

Uh-huh, and sometimes little
old men have big ol' guns.

Carter,

civilians aren't allowed to
carry firearms, and besides,

Kinch will be outside
if you need any help.

Right. I'll be right on the
floor in the back of the car

when LeBeau brings it
around to Klink's quarters.

Have you got the dynamite
charge and the timer?

It's all set.

The train picks up
that mail pouch,

30 minutes
later, kabloom!

That's what I call
a real special delivery.

Say, could we get
in some sort of trouble

for tampering with the mail?

What a sight.

Suddenly all those letters
will be going by air,

so will the train.

All right, now.
Look, don't hang around.

And for goodness sakes,
don't drive back into the camp.

Ditch the car and come
in through the tunnel.

You better stay
inside tonight, sir,

and keep an eye out
for falling box cars.

I've had a most trying day.

Maybe you should
go to bed, sir.

Yes, I could use
a good night's sleep.

Shall I bring a glass
of warm milk to your room?

Yes, Herber.

I assume you want me
to awaken you at 6:30 as usual?

That's right.

Herber... how do you know
about the warm milk

and when to wake
me up, hmm?

I make it a point to
learn everything I can

when I am assigned
to a new commandant.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I still don't
quite understand

why the General
sent me an aide.

It's only fitting

for an officer of your
importance, Colonel.

Of course.

You see, up until now, all
I've had is Sergeant Schultz.

He wasn't much
of an aide though.

From what I've seen,

he isn't much of
a sergeant either.

That's funny.
Very funny.

Sergeant Schultz isn't
much of a sergeant either.

Oh, I must remember that.

Good night, Colonel.

Good night, Captain.

You didn't call for your
hot milk, Herr Kommandant,

but I fixed it anyway.

Thank you, Schultz.

You don't have
to thank me,

Herr Kommandant.

This is all part of being
not much of an aide.

( barking )

What's the matter
with Bruno?

It's the uniform.

You know how
he hates Germans.

You have to get out
now, Bruno. Go on.

Bruno, you've
got things to do.

Get out of the car.

Well, it's almost time
for the Fuhrer's speech.

( dog whines )

This should be one of
his longest speeches.

About five hours, I guess.

( whining and growling )

( chuckles ):
That always gets him.

How about the package
of dynamite?

I've got it back here.

Come on, the train's
due in 45 minutes.

Good luck.

Carter's got a lot
to do on this one.

I hope he doesn't foul up.

You don't have to worry
about Carter, sir.

When the chips are down,

there is no one
I'd rather have...

Kinch is with him,
isn't he, sir?

Yeah.

Well, then,
you don't have to worry

about Carter, 'cause when
the chips are down,

there's no one I'd rather
have backing me up than Kinch.

Carter made
it through

the main gate
with no problems.

So far, so good.

( telephone dialing )

Klink's up awfully late.

I thought you said
he'd gone to bed.

Good news, Major.

Klink is our man,
no question about it.

Who's that?

Klink's new aide.

I knew it.

What information do you have?

Well, after trying to make me
believe he was going to bed,

he got in his car
and I saw him leave.

He was headed
for the railroad station.

Huh. You have done
a fine night's work, Captain.

Now, look around Klink's office

and see if you can find
any more incriminating evidence.

Then telephone
the stationmaster,

and tell him
to contact the train

to put Plan B into effect.

Got to intercept that phone call
or we lose Carter and Kinch.

Newkirk, get down
to our switchboard.

We haven't had a tie
to Klink's office

since the
last inspection.

LeBeau, go get
Kinch's stuff.

I'll stall Herber
while you rig,

and don't waste
any time.

Right.

Newkirk, when he makes
the call, you take it.

Jawohl, mein Colonel!

So you like
Commandant...

Oh, I'm sorry, you must be
Colonel Klink's new aide.

I'm Colonel Hogan,
senior officer...

What are you
doing here?

Well, I just
came to discuss

something with
the commandant.

Why did you walk in here
without knocking first?

Well, I really
would have

given you some
kind of warning,

but how did I know
you were trying

to break into
Klink's desk?

I wasn't breaking
into the desk.

I was looking
for something I misplaced.

If it's the letter opener,

it's still stuck in the drawer
where you misplaced it.

I don't think I care
for your attitude, Colonel,

or your insulting
accusations.

I didn't mean
to be insulting.

Evidently I owe
you an apology.

I, uh, I say just
because we're enemies,

there's no reason
we can't be friends.

Why did you
shut the curtains?

Well, you didn't
want them open.

Why didn't I?

Let me ask
you something, Captain...

how long you been a crook?

I told you
before, Colonel,

I will not stand
for your insults.

What insults?

I didn't say you were
a bum crook, or a stupid crook.

I just asked
how long you've been one,

and let me tell you
something else.

You're not going
to be one much longer

if you don't
close the curtains

when you're
ransacking an office.

I wasn't ransacking
the office.

I have a very good
reason for being here.

A very
legitimate reason.

Captain, you don't
have to explain to me.

You're
a prisoner of war.

I don't have
to answer to you.

No, you don't.

Then stop asking me questions
and get out of here!

Okay, okay, I'm leaving.

Let me just say,
you're not going

to get very far in
the crook business

with that nasty temper.

Otto Knobel, stationmaster.

Was ist los?

This is Captain Herber
of the Gestapo.

Jawohl, jawohl, Captain.

This is Otto Knobel,
stationmaster,

at the station house.

Shut up and listen closely.

You are to contact
the Berlin Express

and tell them to switch
to the alternate route.

Jawohl, Captain, to switch
to the alternate route.

Jawohl, Herr Captain.

That was the call, sir.

Watch the board
for a few minutes

in case Herber decides
to call back and double check.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

Nice going, Colonel.

For a moment, it looked
like we were in big trouble.

Klink still is.

The Gestapo captain's
practically got him

in front of a firing
squad right now.

But since he didn't have

anything to do
with the sabotage...

all he has to do
is explain where he was

and what he was doing.

Klink went straight
to his quarters

and went to sleep.

This will be a
little hard to prove.

Well, maybe Schultz or someone
had to go into his room and...

Klink has a
standing order.

He's not to
be disturbed until morning.

And what a disturbing
morning he's in for.

Facing a firing squad

is a lousy way
to start off the day.

( sighs )

Let's get back upstairs.

I think I know a way
to save Klink's neck.

Morning, Schultz.

Good morning.

Good morning?!

Hogan!

What's wrong, Schultz?

Shh. The commandant
is sleeping.

Not after I wake him,
he won't be.

Colonel!

Oh, come on, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan.

Shh!

When the commandant
goes to bed,

he does not want
to be disturbed.

There is a sentry outside
in front of the door,

with orders to see that
he's not being disturbed.

So please take your
hand off the door.

But I have to see him
on a very urgent matter.

It will have to wait
until tomorrow, please.

Schultz, will you
listen to me? Take your hand

It only will
take a minute. It will have

Take you hand off
the doorknob.

Okay, Schultz.

I, uh, just
hope he isn't mad

at you for not waking him.

Colonel Hogan.

Why do you give
up so easily?

No tricks?

Schultz, if you
say he is not

to be disturbed, I am
not gonna disturb him.

Oh, I forgot.

Now wait a minute.

Hold it, hold it!

Schultz!

One move or I'll shoot.

I'm an expert shot.

You better stay
where you are.

Hogan.

Where's Schultz?

Right here, sir.

Guarding the door.

But I am innocent and loyal.

How could I be part
of a sabotage plot

when I was in bed all night?

Ask my aide, Captain Herber.

He knows where I was
all evening.

Indeed he does.

You would be amazed
how much Herber knows about you.

What do you mean?

He also knows
about your staff car

being delivered to you...

And about being
driven off by you

in an attempt
to sabotage the Berlin Express.

That's impossible.

My car's in the garage
being repaired.

Then why did we
find it parked

off the side of the road
just outside this camp?

Maybe it was stolen.

Klink, who would
steal your staff car?

The soldiers.

They'd steal
a dog's hind leg.

They're worse than those
gangsters in town.

Dogs, gangsters. Klink,
what are you...?

Well, Colonel Klink,
you don't look

very well rested for
having had all that sleep.

Does he?

General Burkhalter,
there's your man.

I was asleep.

He was not.

Obviously, he's
the saboteur

and he's trying
to pin it on me.

That is a distinct
possibility.

It's the only answer.

Guards!

Arrest that man.

General Burkhalter,

you better
arrest that man.

If you let me have
a gun... somebody!

I'll arrest him myself.

Here is your confession, Klink.

You can sign this
on the bottom line.

I'm not going
to sign anything.

Hmm. I was hoping
you would say that.

But I haven't
done anything.

I was sound asleep
until that clumsy oaf,

Sergeant Schultz,
fell through the...

That's it.

Schultz and Hogan were
in my bedroom tonight.

What time was that?

I'm not sure.

But you can ask
that clumsy oaf...

That fine, loyal,

German fighting machine,
Sergeant Schultz.

I swear, sir, I
haven't done anything.

I always do nothing.

I see nothing,
I hear nothing

and above all, I know nothing.

We just want to ask you

a few questions,
Sergeant Schultz.

Forgive me, sir--

Private Schultz.

Private?

Back to private?

When did this happen?

Shortly after I fell through
the Colonel's bedroom door.

Very shortly after.

Now, uh...

Schultz, you
didn't take

my little joke
seriously, did you?

You fell through
the bedroom door?

In the line of duty, sir.

In defense of my commandant
against this-this,

this unknown assailant.

I just wanted to tell
the commandant

his car was missing.

What do I get
for my trouble?

All privileges
denied for a month.

I don't even want
to talk about it.

Joking, Hogan. Joking.

When will you learn
what a prankster I am?

Exactly what time
did this happen?

About 11:00.

That's about right,
isn't it, Schultz?

Three minutes after.

Three minutes after?

You just happened

to look at
your watch, huh?

No, sir, I happened
to sit on it.

It stopped at the very time.

( telephone ringing )

Major Hochstetter here.

What do you mean
you cannot complete my call?

Oh?

I see.

Captain, did you...?

( heels click )

Captain, did
you contact

the stationmaster
as I told you?

Certainly, sir.

I gave them your
orders word for word.

( heels click )

That's very
interesting.

The telephone lines
to the station

have been down all day.

Ja.

Klink!

You are dismissed,
and take them with you.

KLINK:
Certainly, sir. Thank you, sir.

And may I say,
never has there

been a wiser
and fairer...

Klink! Shut up
and get out.

Yes, sir, I'm shutting
up and I'm getting out.

And now... Captain Herber.

Oh! Oh! Herr Kommandant,
please forgive me.

Oh, it was an accident.

Please, Herr Kommandant,
it will never happen again.

Please tell me I'm forgiven.

You're forgiven... private.

And where do you
think you're going?

To see Colonel Klink.

The commandant
went back to sleep

and does not want
to be disturbed,

not by anyone--
those are his orders.

This is important.

His sleep is
important, too.

I'm gonna see him.

And I say you won't.

And I say I will.

You will not!

I will!

Will not!

What's all this
noise for?

Oh, I'm glad
you're awake.

I'm not. I mean,
I wasn't. I-I...

Hogan, why did
you wake me?

I told you
he wouldn't like it.

When I can't sleep
because of you,

I think it's only fair that you
shouldn't sleep because of me.

I'm not even
going to try

to understand
what you said.

Well, Herr Kommandant,
what he means...

I don't want
your explanation!

I couldn't sleep thinking
about the injustice

of your taking away
my privileges for a month.

Why don't you cancel the order?

When I give
an order it stays.

I never
change my mind.

So forget it.

Oh?

All right.

Maybe that won't be
all I'll forget.

I couldn't
care less if...

What else will
you forget?

Well, I, uh,
I might forget

that I was your alibi
for being in your quarters.

Oh, you wouldn't.

He was there.
He remembers.

Mm-hmm.

How's, uh... How's

your memory,
Private Schultz?

Oh. Sometimes I
remember everything

and then sometimes
I forget everything.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

All privileges restored.

Thank you.

And as for you, Schultz--
I mean Sergeant Schultz.

Oh, thank you,

Herr Kommandant.

This is a moment
I will never forget.

This is one moment
I don't want you to remember.

They said I was
nowhere near that train!

I wonder what was on that train
that was so important.

( many loud explosions )

( Hogan grunts )

Eh.... my guess would be
airplane parts.

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