All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s04e04 Hogans Trucking Service.eng

( theme song playing )

How you doing
with Klink's car?

We can't stall him
much longer.

We've taken care
of everything on the list.

Bust everything and
start all over again.

That's what
we're doing now.

Why is the loading
of the truck taking so long?

When you're loading
a truck with TNT,

haste really makes waste.

Got all the fuses
timed in synch?

Yeah. You just have
to hook them up

to the
truck's battery,

and then tonight
at 12:00,

boy-- ba-boom!

( tools clank )

Colonel Hogan, I trust your men
have my car ready

as you promised they would.

They've been
hard at it since daylight, sir.

They're expert
mechanics.

Wouldn't know how
to do anything but a good job.

Herr Kommandant, please.

I just... opened the door
and it fell off.

Just a suggestion, sir--

I'd have that door fixed
if I were you.

You're the mechanics.

Why didn't you fix it?

It's not on
the list, sir.

The car door wasn't on the list,

because I didn't think there
was anything wrong with it

when I wrote the list.

I'll buy that, sir.

Thank you, Colonel.

I mean, I know the
truth when I hear it.

Of course, we don't hear it
from you too often, do we?

( chuckles )
Sorry, sir.

Hogan, I want my car.

You will have it, sir,
sooner than you expect.

How can it be sooner
than I expect,

when it is already
later than I thought?

Hogan, I have a dinner date

and I want my car
by 7:00 sharp.

You'll have it, sir.

You have my promise.

I can have
your promise anytime.

This time I want my car.

( grunts )

Hi, Schultz!

Shh...

I'm sneaking a rest
from Commandant Klink.

He has been driving me

crazy!

It's what you need.

You might get rid
of some of that blubber.

I don't mind carrying
a few extra pounds.

Good, here's a few more
you can carry.

Very good of you to offer
your help, Schultz.

We can use it.

I didn't offer anything.

Why should I do your work when
I'm hiding here from my work?

Suit yourself.

All right, Kinch,
you want to knock off

for some
coffee and cake? Right.

Coffee and, uh... cake?

What kind of a cake?

Just the richest,
thickest,

creamiest chocolate cake
you ever laid eyes on.

And eyes are all you're
going to lay on it, mate.

The rest of your fat face
can stay where it is.

I wouldn't touch a crumb,
even if you asked me.

Were you thinking
of asking me?

Nope.

Not at all.

I'm glad.

No matter how hungry I am,
I refuse to eat your cake.

And I'm so hungry,
I could eat anything.

Oh, that is a shame.

It's a dirty, rotten shame,
but I'm not complaining.

A little starvation
doesn't hurt anybody.

I grit my teeth,
tighten my belt

and fall on my knees and beg
for a little piece of cake.

We got to finish
loading the truck first.

I'll help you.

Hey, watch it!

Are you trying to blow
up this whole camp?

That crate's
loaded with... Kinch!

Loaded with
what, what, what?

Don't ask me.

I can't read
German.

HOGAN:
All right now, Carter, you follow Newkirk in Klink's car.

Tell the guard
you're road-testing it.

CARTER:
Yes, sir.

Newkirk, you drive
the truck.

Park it here
by the bottling plant.

NEWKIRK:
So that's where they're making the ball bearings.

Formidable.

An old deserted
bottle factory

turned into a
ball-bearing plant.

Yeah, which that truck's
going to turn

into an old deserted
vacant lot.

And the explosion should
pull the SS force

away from
the fuel tanks here.

Making it a nice
piece of cake

for the underground
to hit. Mm-hmm.

But won't
they send the troops

from the railroad depot
to cover?

Yeah, we're counting on it.

If they do, underground
units four and five

will move into
the rail depot.

Oh, they're going
to have to time that pretty close.

Everything depends on
that truck blowing up on time.

It will, sir.

Kinch, from now on,
all communications for this operation

use the code name
"delivery truck."

Right, Colonel.

Delivery truck--
very good.

Have you noticed
how much more clever

the code names
are lately?

I think Intelligence has
turned it over

to an advertising agency.

( beeping )

That's our signal.

It's Leader Four.

Stuger?

Colonel Hogan, we have
just received new orders

to prepare for an attack
on Stalag 16.

I thought our target was
the railroad depot.

It is--
who changed the orders?

The new area commander,
Colonel X.

Colonel X-- who's he?

He's supposed to be
an escaped prisoner of war.

He took over unit one
two days ago.

That's his right as
the high-ranking Allied officer.

I don't care
what his rank is.

The original order
still goes.

Pass that along
to the other units.

Over and out.

Whoever this Colonel X is,

he's not going to ruin
this one for us.

You want me to contact London,
see what they got on him?

Well, they won't be
receiving again

for a couple of hours.

Carter, Newkirk...

Yes, sir.
Yeah.

As soon as you
deliver that truck

to the ball-bearing plant,

swing by unit one
headquarters.

See what you can find out
about this Colonel X.

Right, sir.

Uh, shall we observe
or infiltrate, sir?

Better get an idea
of the operation first.

Could be a trap.

Right.

That's exactly
my thinking, sir.

I'll bet that Colonel X
is Gestapo

and he's just sitting there
waiting to nail all of us.

Fantastic.

You know, I'm glad
you're going along with me, Carter.

You make simple
everyday chores

seem like real
bloody adventures.

Oh, Colonel Klink,
how lovely.

Allow me, my dear.

Oh, Fraulein Hilda,
after office hours,

I don't think there's
any need to be so formal.

No need at all,
Colonel Klink.

Oh, if you really
feel that way,

please, let's drop
the "Colonel," shall we?

All right, Klink.

My first name is
Wilhelm.

Let's go.
I'm starved.

Oh, my dear.

I didn't have
any lunch today.

Oh, the car's waiting
right outside.

Hardly any breakfast either.

Oh, please, allow me.

Thank you, Klink.

Wilhelm!

What is that?

( engine sputtering )

Schultz!

Schultz, where's my car?

Herr Kommandant,
it's still being fixed.

Colonel Hogan had two men
working all night long

to be sure that the car
is ready and waiting

tomorrow morning
like he promised.

He promised it would be
ready and waiting tonight.

Instead, we're ready
and still waiting.

"We're ready and still waiting."

Very clever.

It's good that
you can joke about it.

Oh, shut up, you dunderhead.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I think I'm going
to have a headache.

We can't go
to dinner in that.

I know I'm going
to have a headache.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,

Colonel Hogan had his men
put on the sidecar,

so you don't have to go to
dinner in a sanitation truck.

Well, I'm all for that.

How about you, Hilda?

I've got a headache.

Oh, you have a headache
because you're hungry.

No, no, the headache
took my appetite away.

Good night, Colonel.

Can I give you a ride
to the gate, huh?

But...

I'd rather walk.

She didn't even take
her corsage.

Why don't you call another girl,
while it's still fresh?

Why don't you keep
your stupid suggestions

in your big fat mouth?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

The finest food,
the finest wines, I told them.

How am I supposed to enjoy

an eight-course dinner
all by myself?

I'm not doing anything tonight.

Oh, but you are doing
something tonight.

You're standing outside guarding
my last means of transportation.

Hogan's Rathskeller,
Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

( engine struggles
to turn over )

I guess it hasn't been
used lately.

I hope it's a long time
before it's used again.

Schnell, Schultz.

( engine suddenly starts )

( screams )

Herr Kommandant,
hold on to your hat.

Here we go.

Schultz!

Schultz!!

Hey, Carter.

Colonel Hogan,
is that you out there?

No, it's me back here.

Boy, I was hoping
you'd show up.

What are you doing
on guard duty?

Why didn't you come back?

Colonel X said he was
short of men

and said we're volunteering
to join his outfit.

Carter, you're
a prisoner of war.

You're confined
to a prison camp.

You just can't come
and go as you please.

I know that.

And we told that
to Colonel X,

but he just
wouldn't listen.

Well, I'm going
to tell it to him.

Where is this screwball?

Right through that door.

Oh, you have to check
with his aide first.

We have to make sure you
aren't a Gestapo agent

out to shoot him.

Not me.

I'm an American officer
about to wring his neck.

You're the aide?

Yes, sir.

What's going on here?

Well, I'm not
at liberty to say, sir.

You see, Colonel X's life
is in constant danger

and should any harm
come to him,

it would be a devastating blow
to the German war effort.

A cold chill just swept over me
as a name came to mind.

Name of who, sir?

Please don't tell me

the mysterious Colonel X is
our Colonel Crittendon?

Indeed he is, Hogan,

back in the thick of things

and ready for a bit of
fox and hounds with Jerry.

Can't tell you how good
it is to see you again.

I can't tell you
how it is to see you again, too, Colonel.

But they couldn't
imprison my spirit.

The moment I entered Stalag 16,
I had one thought-- escape.

Somehow, some way
I would escape.

You certainly did.
Look, Colonel...

Actually I think
the most exciting part

is the escape itself.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
you had me on the edge of my seat with that.

Oh, you mean I already
told you that part?

Yeah, it's the
most exciting part.

Yes, that's it, all right.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, guess
the old thinking cap

isn't on snug enough,
eh, what?

It's plain, you know,
this new command.

Heavy lies the head
that wears the crown, what!

( grunts )

Of course, I did have
Crittendon's commandos

to help me.

Crittendon's commandos?

Yes, the ten men
who were with me

on that daring escape
I just told you about.

Yeah, the ten men
who escaped with you.

Those are the chaps--
carefully chosen, I assure you.

You'd be hard-pressed to find
a better fighting force.

I'd be glad when
they're with me again.

Where are they?

Back in Stalag 16.

Caught a bit of rotten luck
last week.

They were out on patrol and they
ran into an armed farmer.

A farmer? One farmer?

Aha! Remember, he was armed.

Had a six-pronged pitchfork,
and he knew how to use it.

Those farmers are good
with the pitchfork all right.

Poor devils.

Walked right
into an ambush.

Didn't stand a chance.

But I have a plan
to break them out.

Newkirk!

Sir!

Where are those top-secret plans

for the surprise attack
on Stalag 16?

Right behind you, sir, on the
wall where you tacked them up.

Ah, yes, there they are.

I'm afraid I've got orders

that may delay your operation,
Colonel.

I'm in command here, Hogan.

I give the orders--
not you, not anyone else.

These are from London.

They'll be obeyed
to the letter,

and I shall
be with you

every step
of the way.

Now, what do
we do first?

First I need
a volunteer

for a very
dangerous assignment. Mm-hmm.

He must be
a man with courage

and superior
intelligence.

Got any suggestions?

Courage, eh?

Mm-hmm.

Superior intelligence.

Well, the only
person I know

that fits
that description

would be
Colonel Crittendon.

By George, he's right.

Colonel Crittendon
volunteering for duty, sir.

That's a grand
attitude, sir.

I guess I have no
alternative but to accept.

Do you happen to have
a map of this area?

Certainly.

I've got one
right in here somewhere.

( clears throat ):
Now... map.

Up to my ears
in maps here somewhere.

Ah, here we are.

All right,
now, the man...

Colonel?

You've given me
the directions

for assembling
your radio set.

So it is.

No wonder
none of the towns look familiar.

Let me make
a sketch for you.

This is the main road
from Hammelburg.

This is the Arnheim
ball-bearing works.

It's an old
bottling plant.

Right.

I take it my job is

to destroy
the factory, eh?

Ha! I like that.

I was with
a demolition squad once.

Fine lads...

may they rest in peace.

That part is already
taken care of.

Your job is to make sure

that the bombs go
off at exactly 2400. Mm-hmm.

And you radio me
the damage report.

Now, is that all clear,

or do you want me to
write it out for you?

Don't bother--
I'm gifted with total recall.

I can even recite

all the Shakespeare
plays I saw as a boy.

Let me write it
out for you.

Don't believe me, eh?

All right.

Here's what you said
word for word.

Would you care to hear
The Merchant of Venice?

( clears throat )

"The quality
of mercy is..."

Mercy is
not strained.

"...is not strained.

It droppeth
like the, uh..."

Don't tell me,
don't tell me.

Gentle rain
from heaven, sir.

"Gentle rain
from heaven."

Uh... "To be
or not to be."

Well... so far everything is
going according to plan, right?

NEWKIRK:
Couldn't be better.

Getting that truck
full of TNT out of here

was the only thing
that had me worried.

CARTER:
Nothing to it.

Now it's just
sitting there at the plant

ticking off
the seconds till boom time.

Everything is going perfect.

Then why do
I have this feeling

of impending disaster?

I think that's
from seeing Crittendon.

He leaves everyone
feeling that way.

Crittendon is where
he can't do any damage.

He's the one thing
you don't have to worry about.

He's the one thing
I always worry about.

We've got it
made now, sir.

Yeah, an awful lot
can happen in two hours.

Achtung, chaps!

NEWKIRK:
That awful lot that can happen just did.

What are you
doing here?

You're supposed to be at
the ball-bearing plant

waiting to report
on the damage.

There was no damage,
and there was no explosion.

I waited for some time
past the appointed hour,

but you've come a cropper
on this one, Hogan old boy.

The appointed
hour is still two hours away.

Ha! I'm afraid your watch
is a little tardy.

You said...

I said 2400.

Quite so.

That's 9:00 p.m.
mufti time.

2400 is midnight.

No, no, no, Hogan.

Those figures used
to confuse me, too.

You see,

2400 is 9:00 p.m.

You see,
two and four is six,

and six into 24
goes four times.

So what's six and four?

Uh... five, six,
seven... ( mumbles )

By George, it's 10:00.

Ha! That's a good one.

We were both wrong.

Your explosion is set
to go off at 10:00.

Well, cheer up, chaps.

You haven't pulled a bone
out this time.

It's, uh...
it's almost 10:00 now.

Why don't I
hop in the truck

and buzz back
for a look-see?

Truck? What truck?

The Jerry truck
that was parked

at the ball-
bearing factory.

Colonel Hogan, could that be...?

Of course it is.

Keys were in it with
this helmet and topcoat,

My guardian angel
was looking after me tonight, wasn't he?

He's going to be looking
you right in the eye

if you parked
that truck nearby.

Where'd you leave it?

Right beside the barracks.

Our barracks?

Hey, sir, we got to
get that out of here.

Why all this fuss
about a silly truck?

Because that
silly truck

happens to be loaded
with TNT

set to go off
at midnight.

So that's how
you were going to blow up the factory.

Juicily good plan,
Hogan.

Oh, yes, smashing plan.

Thanks a lot,
Crittendon.

But there's just
one thing that I overlooked.

Indeed?

Yes, uh... I didn't see
the possibility

of some bonehead
finding the truck

and driving off with it.

Well, I suppose that
is a possibility,

but frankly, I can't
see it happening.

Besides, I already
have the truck,

so that solves that
problem right there.

Sir, time's getting short.

Kinch,
look outside.

Make sure
everything's clear.

Somebody's got to
drive that truck

back where it belongs.

Right, Colonel.
Here.

Colonel Crittendon
volunteering, sir.

Forget it. One of
us will take care of it this time.

Uh-oh, I think
we got troubles.

Herr Kommandant--
all I know

the truck drove out

and later
it drove in again.

That's all I know.

Mm-hmm,
it drove out,

and later
it drove in again.

You didn't think it was
necessary to ask him

why he was going out.

No, Herr Kommandant.

I don't think
it was necessary

to ask him why
he was going out.

Explain why, please.

Because he was going in.

I was not on duty
when he was going out.

These are
military vehicles

used for military
purposes only,

not to take drives
to Lover's Lane with a Fraulein.

Now, I am posting
a guard here

with instructions
to arrest that driver

when he comes back.

Boy, when you
get a feeling of impending disaster,

it works like a charm,
doesn't it?

And you don't
have to wait

very long for it either.

Now, the first thing
we must do is not panic.

I already have.

What's the second thing?

Seems simple to me.

One of us slips up
behind the guard,

overpowers him,
and drives away the truck.

Take another look
at the guard, Crittendon.

Corporal Kohler isn't
too easy to overpower.

"The bigger they come,
the harder they fall,"

my judo instructor
used to say.

You'll need more than
your judo lessons with him.

Not when it's killer judo.

When you have mastered
the deadly art of KJ, as we call it,

these hands become
instruments of death.

One fen-ichi chop

can snap a man's neck
like a dry twig.

( makes judo cry )

I'll contact you

when I get back
to headquarters.

If I were you,
I wouldn't watch.

( makes judo cry )

( shouts louder )

Ha! That's the opening
I've been waiting for.

( makes judo cries )

Ow.

You are an Englander?

Yes.

You're a German,
aren't you?

You're an
Englander prisoner.

You stay
right there.

Just stay right there.

One more step and I'll
be forced to use these.

Just stay
where you are.

Go one more step

and these hands
will strike to kill.

All right.

Sayonara!

You can question me
until you're blue in the face,

but I shall tell you nothing.

KLINK:
Oh, you shouldn't

take that
attitude, Colonel.

These gentlemen went
to a lot of trouble

to come and see you.

Surely there
must be something you can tell them.

He will tell us
everything.

Nothing.

Now, I know you'll
try to torture me.

Come, Crittendon,
that's nonsense.

Do these two gentlemen look

as if they would torture
a helpless prisoner?

( laughs loudly )

I think you better tell them
everything they want to know.

NEWKIRK:
Kinch has just connected

the phone cable, sir,
to Klink's office.

Did you take care
of Hochstetter's car?

All set.

Make the call.

Now, Major Hochstetter,
may I suggest...

Klink, you have wasted
enough of my time.

He will talk soon
enough at headquarters.

Sir, I am still the
commandant of this camp...

Commandant!

( phone rings )

Colonel Klink
speaking.

This is Gestapo
headquarters.

Give me Major
Hochstetter.

Just a moment.

Sir, it's for you.

Gestapo
headquarters.

Major Hochstetter here.

Major, there's been trouble
at the Arnheim plant.

It looks like sabotage.

They have suspects
they're holding for you.

I'll be right there.

There's trouble at
the ball-bearing plant.

Bring him along.

KLINK:
I assure you, Major Hochstetter,

I had nothing to do with
Crittendon's being here.

The commandant of
the camp he escaped from is the one you want.

I'm in a hurry, Klink.

We will discuss it
later, at your trial.

Yes, Major Hochstetter.

I've got a flat tire.

Oh, I'll have one of my men
change it at once, sir.

Never mind.

I'll take your staff car.

Oh, please do.

Just try not to hit
too many bumps.

It always knocks off
the sidecar.

What?

That's something they
put on a motorcycle.

Yes, sir.

Sometimes it's on,
sometimes it's off.

You see, my staff car
is being repaired.

( groans )

Instead I'll take
that truck...

if the commandant
has no objection.

As a matter of fact,
Major Hochstetter...

I have no objections
at all.

( growls with anger )

The factory should
blow pretty soon now.

HOGAN:
Forget it.

I wonder if there's
any chance

Crittendon could have
gotten away.

He might have used that
killer judo to escape.

That's what he used
to get captured.

You know what,
Colonel Crittendon--

he was really a pretty good guy.

Hello again, chaps.

What are you
doing back here?

He was caught
trying to escape.

I did escape.

Used killer judo
on the guard.

Gave him a one-handed
chop to the neck,

and a two-handed
conk on the head

with a basket
of towels.

Then I jumped
out of the truck.

Big deal!

You still
didn't get very far

before you were caught.

Picked up by a patrol, huh?

No-- ran into the same
blasted farmer

that ambushed my commando.

( huge explosion )

How about that--
right on the nose.

What was that?

Thunder, Schultz.

Weatherman said
rain tonight.

Said to be sure to wear
your helmet if you go outside.

Expecting heavy showers
of ball bearings in the area.

New spark plugs.

Check.

Wash-and-wax job.

Check.

Put door
on passenger side.

Check.

( motorcycle roaring
and backfiring )

Schultz, help me
out of here.

I feel as if I'm riding
around in a bathtub.

I'm sorry,
Herr Kommandant.

I put you right
on your feet.

No, before you put me
on my feet,

get my feet
out of the sidecar.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

( Klink groans )

That's enough, that's
enough, that's enough.

Now, Hogan,
I want you to say,

"Colonel Klink,
your car is ready."

All right.

Colonel Klink, your
car is almost ready.

No almost--
just a simple sentence.

"Your car is ready now."
Let's try it, shall we?

Your car is ready now.
Good.

But I just want to
run down the checklist,

make sure we haven't
forgotten anything.

Forget about
the checklist.

It looks just fine.

( engine starts )

Sounds fine, feels fine.

It's just fine, Hogan.

But, Colonel...

Hands off-- I'm in a hurry.

You fellas
think of anything

we might have
left out?

Nope.
No.

The brake cable
is all I can think of.

( loud crash )

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