All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s03e12 A Russian Is Coming.eng

( theme song playing )

All right, hold it.
Whoever it is,

he's coming through
the entrance to the tunnel.

All right, break.

Dubois?

Why did you
sneak in this way?

Boy, you almost
got shot.

In the underground,
you have to get used to that.

What's up?

Colonel, I have
a present for you.

( whistles )

KINCH:
What's that.

Qu'est-ce que
c'est que ça?

HOGAN:
Just what I've always wanted-- a sleeping bag.

This one seems wide awake.

What's in there?
A dog and a cat?

Why did you
bring him here?

Why didn't you get rid
of him outside?

Well, I could not do that.

He's on our side.

KINCH:
Then why is he all tied up?

DUBOIS:
Because he does not believe that we are on his side.

Who is he?

He's a Russian pilot.

His plane was forced down
with engine trouble

in a field about
a half a mile from here.

When we went
to rescue him,

he fought us
like a maniac.

It took eight men
to tie him up.

Did you tell him
you were friends?

Of course.

But, for him,

anybody who doesn't speak
Russian is the enemy.

Well, mon Colonel,

he's going to be
your baby now.

Thanks for leaving him
on our doorstep.

Au revoir, mes amis.

Au revoir.
Au revoir.

All right,
let's get him untied.

Wait a minute.
Hold it. Hold it.

Let's make sure
he understands we're friendly.

( slowly ):
We are friends. Understand?

Allies.

Pals.

On the same side.

Buddies.

We're with you.

( speaks Russian )
"Friends."

Understand?

On the same side.

Yeah, all right.

He'll be okay.
Untie him.

Ow! He bit me!

First person comes close
gets this.

Oh, boy.

Look, comrade,
get this straight:

I'm Colonel Hogan,
United States Air Force.

Carter, Kinch, American.

LeBeau, French.

Newkirk, English.

The men who brought you here
are with the underground.

We work with them.

Now, put away
the gun.

How do I know
you are telling truth?

How do you know
we're not?

KINCH:
The colonel is leveling with you.

Do I look German
to you?

Lieutenant Igor
Grygorovich Piotkin.

15th Air Wing,
51st Army.

Welcome to Stalag 13.

Kinch.

Hi.

Great pleasure
to meet you.

I'll bet you're hungry.

Da. How
would you know?

I could tell by the
way you bit my thumb.

I never saw a more
suspicious man.

Well, he
knows we're all right now.

That's right.

But do we know
if he's all right?

What are you
getting at?

Can you think
of a better way

to divert suspicion
from yourself

than to pretend
to be suspicious

of someone else?

You mean you
think he's a spy?

I think we'd
better ask him

some more questions,
just to satisfy ourselves.

Well, I'm not
going to be so easy to satisfy.

Well, Igor,
how's it going?

Mmm.

How many home runs
did Babe Ruth hit

for the world's
record?

What?

Who is Betty Grable
married to?

What you talk about?

Who said, "Come up
and see me sometime"?

Guess that proves that
Curly doesn't know.

Carter, all that proves
is he isn't an American.

Yeah. That's what
it proves, all right.

I hope you fellows
haven't forgotten

the big birthday
celebration tomorrow.

Of course not.

No, sir.
We've been waiting anxiously.

What birthday?

Alexander Graham
Bell's birthday.

He's a very
famous American.

Never heard him.

He's the man
who invented the telephone.

Is not true.

Telephone invented
by Russian.

Every schoolchild
know this.

American.

Russian.

American.

Russian.

American!

Russian, Russian,
Russian!

He's the real McCoy.

Or the real McCoyski.

Igor Grygorovich Piotkin.

Yeah, okay, Iggy.

What are we going
to do with him, Colonel?

Try and fix
his plane

so he can fly
out of here.

You are going to fix?

What I know
about my plane

is newest, most
advanced Russian model.

I know, Iggy.

It's exactly
the same model

we had two years ago.

Did you hear a plane
landing last night?

A plane with
engine trouble?

Yes, sir, I did. I did,
I did, I did, I did.

Here it is.
At 9:05.

You see, sir,
I'm on top of everything.

Did you investigate

to see if it was
an enemy plane?

Oh, naturally not.

I thought it was one
of our planes.

Because it had
engine trouble?

Oh, sir, you know
how it is.

So many of our planes
come in

all shot up,
and you can hear the engine missing...

Last night, I did
not hear a thing, sir.

A Russian plane
was found a half a mile

from this camp.

Oh, was it
that close, sir?

But the pilot
was missing.

Headquarters
in Berlin demands he be found right away.

Mm-hmm, oh,
I know how unpleasant that can be, sir.

Especially when
headquarters

is on your neck
all the time.

Oh, I have sympathy
for you, sir.

What did you
tell them?

That I'm putting you
in complete charge

of finding the pilot.

You didn't.

I also told them that you
will be personally responsible

for the capture
of the Russian.

General Burkhalter,
you have put me

into a terrible
position.

Klink, believe me,
you have my sympathy.

IGOR:
Colonel! Colonel Hogan!

All right, hold
the noise down!

Hold the noise
down, Igor!

You want the Germans
to hear you?

I just want to know

when my plane
will be landing.

I must get back
to Russia.

There's been a change
in plans.

What?

Your plane has been
found by the Nazis.

We're going to get you
back to England.

I refuse.

I came from Russia.

I am going back
to Russia.

How you going to get there,
mate? Walk?

How far is it
to the Russian front?

It's getting closer
every day.

It's still out
of the question.

Now, look, Igor,
be reasonable.

NEWKIRK:
Schultz!

All right, look.

Switch. Switch.

What are you doing?!

Keep your head down!

Colonel Hogan.

Oh, here you are, Colonel.

Did you hear
the latest news?

We shot down
a Russian plane.

Our antiaircraft
brought him down from 10,000 feet.

It was right near
the camp.

Pretty good shooting,
Schultz.

What happened
to the pilot?

He got away,
but we are going to find him.

Oh, our men
our looking for him.

The Fuhrer said
all the Russians are cowards.

They're always
on the run.

Reports I here,

they're running
the wrong way, Schultz.

What's the matter
with him?

Nothing.
He just doesn't want to get his hair cut.

( chuckles )

Just like
a little boy, huh?

One, two, three,
four, five,

six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.

Colonel Hogan.

Mm-hmm?

There seems to be
some irregularity here.

HOGAN:
Whatever it is, Schultz,

it's your imagination.

I have to report.

Just a minute,
Schultz.

Let me tell you
a story first.

I have no time
for stories.

This story you'll
be interested in.

It's about a certain
German sergeant

who wanted
to look good

in front of his
commanding officer

by making a report
on something

he should
have ignored.

Now, this sergeant,
who, in his barracks,

has 12 pounds of coffee,
a dozen pair of nylons--

which, incidentally,
are made in America.

You gave them
to me.

Did I mention
any names?

Now, the story's
about what would happen

to this sergeant
if the colonel...

Wait.

I'm going
to count again.

One, two, three,
four, five,

six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.

You're right.

It was my imagination.

Good.

All right, let's get him
down in the tunnel.

Come on!

Nyet! I will not
go down there!

Iggy, don't force me

to make you see
my point of view.

Might I see
your point of view?

Here's your hat.
Be careful.

Here he comes--
Schultz.

Colonel, I thought it over.

I am going to give you back
the coffee and the nylons.

If that's the way
you want it, Schultz.

That's the way.

Now I an going to report.

Naturally, you've
got your duty to do.

Jawohl. One, two,
three, four...

five...

six, seven, eight, nine...

Something
wrong, Schultz?

I thought...

Never mind.

Now, about the
nylons and coffee.

Trouble with you,
Colonel Hogan,

is you never know
when someone is making a joke.

You were
making a joke?

Ja. I was
making a ha-ha.

Everything's okay?

Ja.
Good.

Ha-ha.

Ha-ha.

Well, that takes
care of Schultz.

Now what
about Igor?

There's still a problem.

Go down and bring him up,
huh?

Right.

You know, sir, he's
not going to settle

for anything
less than Russia.

He's going
to have to.

We're sending
him to England.

Colonel, he's gone.

Gone?

Yeah. He went right out
the tunnel entrance.

He's going
back to Russia

like a homing pigeon--
dead east.

He's not going
to get very far

with all those men
Klink has searching for him.

Why don't we go out
and look for him?

In broad daylight?

Not a chance.

Well, we can't
just sit here.

You're right.

Where you
going, Colonel?

Sit in
Klink's office.

Now, your squad will cover
this entire area: sector B14.

The other squad will cover
this entire area: sector C11.

Check everything
and everybody.

I want you to find
that Russian pilot.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

( phone ringing )

Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.

Lieutenant Bergman.

Anything new to report?

Nothing.

No, you can't come
here for lunch.

Forget about eating.
I'm hungry, too.

Just find that Russian pilot.

Looking for
a Russian flier?

Yes, I certainly am.

Why don't you put
an ad in the paper?

Must be a few of them
who aren't busy.

I am looking for a pilot

who landed in
this area yesterday.

In other words, I'm looking
for a particular pilot.

Ah, come on now.

Can't be
too particular

if he landed
around here.

Colonel Hogan, are you
here for anything special?

Yeah, I wanted to know when
you expect the Red Cross packages for my men.

When they get here,
you'll get them.

Not sooner.

( phone ringing )
Sounds fair enough.

Oh, your telephone, sir.

Thank you.

Colonel Klink speaking.

Yes, Berlin.

Lieutenant Huber?

Field Marshal Gruneke's aide.

Sir, it's a pleasure
always to...

Yes, sir. We're making
a very thorough search

for the Russian pilot.

Of course, sir.
As soon as we find him

we'll let you know.

And, sir, I'd like to say
I have left nothing to chance.

Every detail
has been worked out.

( click )

Hello? Hello?

These pins-- they aren't
the area you're searching in.

They certainly are.

Don't you see
the mistake you're...

I'm sorry. It's
none of my business.

That's right, Hogan.
It's none of your business.

It's not.

Hogan... come back here.

You called me, sir?

What, uh, were
you going to say?

It's really none
of my business.

Hogan, as commanding
officer here,

it is my business
to find out

what's none
of your business.

Now, talk.

Well, you've got all
your search parties

spread out east
of the prison camp.

Why?

Because it happens to be
in the direction of Russia.

And it is reasonable
to assume

that a Russian would
try to go to Russia.

Put yourself
in his place.

Would you go in the area
in which everyone was looking for you,

or would you think
to yourself

they'll be looking here,
but I'll go here.

The distance is
shorter to England.

He can get help from
the French underground.

Hogan, I've never
heard such nonsense.

When it comes to military
tactics, you're a child.

I'm not trying to compare
myself to you, sir.

I should hope not.

Now, that's all.

This is Colonel Klink.

Message
to all units.

Abandon search in all sectors
east of the camp.

This is Colonel Klink.

Cover all areas
west of the camp.

Unit commanders report
to me every 15 minutes.

This is Colonel Klink.
I...

No, Lieutenant Bergman,
forget about lunch.

I just want you to find
that Russian pilot.

You said what
to Klink?

I just gave him
Horace Greely's advice.

Who is Horace Greely?

A great man who had
a wonderful plan

for relieving congestion
in New York.

( knocking )

The tunnel.

Hey, maybe
Igor's come back.

If he has, it's the first
good sense he's shown.

Colonel Hogan, will you
please keep your pigeon at home?

Did he give
you much trouble?

Trouble? He's
a one-man Russian front.

We'll keep an eye
on him this time.

And, if he gets
away again,

I'm going to turn him over
to the Germans in self-defense.

All right, Dubois.

Ta-ta.

You've been a
naughty boy, Igor.

Colonel, as long as you
keep me against my will,

I am prisoner.

But you cannot watch forever.

I am not going to England.
I go to Russia!

What's so special
about Russia?

Colonel, you have
never been there?

Never.

You do not know
what you are missing.

Oh, really?
Tell me.

I'd love to
hear the story.

Will be pleasure.

Russia is most
wonderful country.

Is it big?

Ten times bigger
than United States.

Most beautiful rivers.

The Volga is longest river
in entire world.

Cities? Moscow...

Kinch, I want you to
hook up a telephone wire

from Klink's office
to mine.

I'll have it rigged
for you in a half hour.

Igor going to England?

Nope. Russia.

But, in 1925,
shipping tonnage

on Volga increased
by ten percent,

or 176,000 tons more.

At same time,
wheat crops, in spite of...

We're all set.

We're all hooked
into Klink's office.

Now all I got to do
is attach this wire to this phone.

So you covered all the areas?

Twice?

Well, there's no use
continuing.

Have all the units
report to camp at once.

Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

The search is off.

Have all...

( phone rings )

Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.

This is Lieutenant Huber.

Why haven't you
reported to me?

Field Marshal von Gruneke
is very displeased.

Are you going on
with the search for the Russian pilot?

Of course, Lieutenant Huber.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, I wouldn't dream
of giving it up.

Our men are working
all around the clock.

( crank phone ringing )

This is Colonel Klink
speaking.

The search is on.

Have all units
report back to the field.

No, Lieutenant Bergman,

I do not want
to hear about lunch,

nor dinner either.

How do you like this
Lieutenant Huber for gall?

All right, I suppose.

All right? It's an outrage.

"Why haven't you
reported to me?"

"Sloppy, inefficient command."

Imagine, a young lieutenant

talking like that to me--
a colonel.

That's not nice!

I don't have to take that.

If the field marshal
finds out about this,

he will not approve.

A field marshal
understands discipline.

He would put that fresh
Lieutenant Huber in his place.

And I'll see to it
that he finds out about it.

Yes, he'll find out about it.

Get me Field Marshal
von Gruneke's headquarters

in Berlin at once.
It's most important.

Schultz, what
are you standing around for?

Don't you have something to do?!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

KLINK:
Yes, tell him

it is a matter
concerning Lieutenant Huber.

I'll wait.

Huber?

That wouldn't be the Huber

whose uncle is Field Marshal
von Gruneke, would it?

His uncle?!

Field Marshal
von Gruneke?

Wrong number.

What do you know
about Lieutenant Huber?

Oh, he's very well-known.

His sister's married
to Goebbel's cousin.

His mother went to
school with Goering's wife-- her best friend.

Goering?
Oh, but most important,

do you know who
everyone says his father is?

But Hitler is not married!

So what?

That would make Huber...

So's his old man.

Was then five-year
plan introduced--

Actually, was only four
and one quarter years.

Oh, thank goodness.

Factory production,

agriculture quotas
were increased.

The workers sang
as they worked.

What about sleep?

What a marvelous idea.

Six hours was found
to be enough by our scientists.

As we cut our sleep, we
increased working hours.

The first year was
glorious success.

Let me give you figures.

Now, one would
never expect...

Colonel Klink, this
is Lieutenant Huber.

Why haven't I heard from you?

What about the Russian?

We haven't found him yet but,
believe me,

it'll be just a matter
of an hour or two.

Colonel, we don't
want excuses.

We want results.

Believe me, sir,
we're doing everything we can.

That's not good enough.

I'm in your area now.

If we don't get
some action soon,

I'm coming in
to take personal charge myself.

That won't be necessary, sir.

He can't get away.

We'll find him.

For your sake,
I hope so.

By the way,
were you the one

who called my uncle,
Field Marshal von Gruneke

to talk about me?

Why, no, sir.

I haven't been near my phone.

I must have some action
or heads will roll.

Yes, sir.

He's got to be the son.

Igor, we're going
to get you back to Russia.

That is wonderful.

But you'll have to trust me.

Do whatever I say,
no matter what you think.

I will.
Fine.

Yes? Klink speaking.

This is Field
Marshal von Gruneke.

Oh, Field Marshal von Gruneke.

Oh, I'm sorry,
but we still haven't...

I just wanted
to let you know

we have captured
the Russian flier here in Berlin.

You did? In Berlin?

But, sir, your aide,
Lieutenant Huber...

Don't mention Lieutenant
Huber's name to me!

He is a disgrace.

But he's your nephew, sir.

Not anymore!

I have disowned him.

He stole money from
the officer's mess.

Is that so?

And now he has disappeared.

He's a deserter.

But, the last time he called,

he said he was in this area.

If you see him,
you will have him shot at once.

Yes, sir, I'll make a note
of it: shoot Huber.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That's too good for him.

I have a better idea.

Yes?

Yes?

Oh, that's perfect.

Oh, yes, sir.
That's much better.

Oh, yes, sir.

Igor, you'll soon
be on your way,

so we better say
good-bye here.

Good-bye.

I guess now
we're engaged.

Forget it. Come on.

HOGAN:
This is Colonel Klink's office right here.

Okay, Lieutenant Huber...

Ah, Lieutenant Huber,
come in, come in, come in.

I cannot tell you
how I've been looking forward

to this little meeting.

You will never guess

who I spoke to
a little while ago.

KLINK:
Hmm? You don't want to guess?

Your uncle, the field marshal.

Oh, he's very unhappy.

You know, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.

Stealing.

And a deserter, too.

Hard to believe a
field marshal's nephew

could sink so low.

I suppose you're going
to have him shot, sir?

KLINK:
No.

We have something
much better in store

for the young lieutenant.

Guard!

Take this man to
the transportation officer in town

and give him this order.

You

are being sent
to the Russian front.

No, Colonel, not that!

Yes, that's the place for him--
the Russian front.

Take him away.

Russian front?

That's what I call justice.

Even better than that,

it's getting even.

You know, it would be
a funny thing if, um...

What?

If he really wanted to
go to the Russian front.

Ja.

( both chuckling )

That would be funny.

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