All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s03e07 How to Win Friends and Influence Nazis.eng

( theme song playing )

Carter, I hate
to criticize,

but I think you're making
the soap too strong.

It's got to be strong

if you're going
to get rid of the dirt.

But not strong enough
to get rid of the clothes.

Well, it's not that strong.

You think it isn't?

Now that's what I call strong.

We've got company.

Burkhalter
visiting Klink?

Looks official.
Let's listen in.

It is always
a great honor

to have you drop in,
General Burkhalter.

Klink, I didn't
just drop in.

Of course not.

It was very dignified,
the way you drove up, sir.

Very impressive.

I remember
saying to myself,

"This is not just
dropping in."

Would you care for
a cigarette, sir?

No.

Would you care for a
chocolate-covered candy?

I do not eat candy.

I'm on a diet.

( chuckling ):
You're on a diet, sir?

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I should be on a diet.

Let the wastebasket
get fat.

Now, the reason
why I'm here

is a matter
of utmost secrecy.

What I'm going to tell you
is for your ears alone.

KLINK:
You can depend on me, sir.

You know that.

I do not know anything
of the kind.

But I have no...

choice...

( voice cutting out )

Now, listen.

In the next few days,
you can expect...

What's wrong
with this thing?

You been making coffee
with it again?

No.

( voice cutting out )

KLINK:
Very interesting.

Now, as I
understand it,

what you want
me to do is...

...is to see that...

( voice cutting out )

BURKHALTER:
That's exactly right.

What's exactly right?

KLINK:
You can depend on me, General.

BURKHALTER:
Now remember, no one is to know about this.

KLINK:
Rest assured, General,

wild horses couldn't drag
a word out of me.

It's coming in
nice and clear now.

BURKHALTER:
I'll be checking with you.

Heil Hitler.

Yeah, I never heard
a clearer "Heil Hitler."

What do you think
it's all about?

I wish I knew.

They said that it's something
that's going to happen

within the next few days,
but what?

Why don't we just
wait and see

what it is when
it happens?

Because when it happens,
it may turn out to be

a happening
that we don't want to happen.

Anything new
on Klink?

Nothing. He keeps going
to the mirror

to look at himself.

He's still carrying
on that lifelong romance, huh?

Any word from the
coffee pot, Kinch?

Nothing much.

Made a few
phone calls--

one to his tailor
to get him to rush his new uniform.

New uniform, huh?

And a couple
of phone calls

about getting the
camp cleaned up,

a few buildings
painted.

That's interesting.

You think it's a clue,
Colonel?

Yeah, it means the something
we're looking for is a someone.

I say, that's
good thinking.

That's why I'm a colonel.

If it's a someone,
who is it?

If I was that smart,
I'd be a general.

I have to go to work on Klink.

( knocking )

Come in, come in.

Yes, Hogan, what is it?
I'm very busy.

I know you are, sir.

I just wanted to tell
you I had the men

cleaning up the barracks,
getting uniforms in shape.

That's good.

So you have nothing to
worry about when he...

Oops.

What'd you say?

Nothing, nothing.
Forget it.

Slip of the tongue.

You said he.
Who do you mean?

Nobody, nobody.
I didn't say anything.

Hogan, I heard you.

What do you know?

Absolutely nothing.

Only you
and General Burkhalter know.

I can tell when
a man is lying.

You do know.

Colonel, it's uncanny
the way you see through someone.

Who else knows?

Nobody. I give you my word
as an officer and a gentleman.

I haven't told my men.

You're sure the
men don't know?

I just gave you my word.

Personally, I think
the man's a fraud.

You don't believe
the formula

that he's working on?

Really, Colonel,
do you believe it?

Well, I must admit
that a metal

that's stronger than
steel and lighter

is quite a claim, but
the high command itself

has checked it.

Come on, Colonel.

If the high command
is so smart,

what are they doing
on the Russian front?

He's a very
famous scientist.

Famous, my foot.

I'll bet he's not even listed
in Who's Who.

I'll show you
how smart you are.

He is listed.

I looked it up.

There.

Carl Svenson,
Swedish chemist...

specializing
in metal alloys.

You see? I told
you he was listed.

I should have bet you...
just to teach you a lesson.

Yeah, I admit I was wrong.

Now I can see why
you're going to all this trouble

to impress him,
to win him over.

That shows how
much you know.

We've already
won him over.

We just want
to prove to him

what wonderful, warm
people we Germans are.

Well, yeah, you can't keep
a thing like that a secret.

Hogan!

I wish I knew how you found out
about Dr. Svenson.

I bet it was somebody
with a big mouth.

Oh, that I can tell you.

It was somebody
with a big mouth.

All right, here's
the story on Svenson.

Everything they know about him
from Allied headquarters.

He's quite a boy,
a genius.

They know he was working
on the alloy,

but they didn't know
he'd finished it.

What's so important
about Svenson's alloy?

Can you imagine an airplane

that's faster
because it's lighter

and with an armor that's
stronger than anything we have?

And tanks and battleships,
just to name a few?

What are we going
to do, Colonel, steal the formula?

No. We wouldn't be sure
if we had the right formula,

and we're not even sure
he has it with him.

The only thing we
can be sure about

is he hasn't turned it
over to the Nazis yet.

Otherwise, they
wouldn't be making such a big fuss over him.

We have to stop him
before he turns it over.

That's right.

How are we going
to do that?

There's only one way.

We got to knock him off.

Well, Dr. Svenson,
what do you think

about our little stalag?

Well, I must tell
you the truth:

I do not like
prisons of any kind.

I don't like them,
either,

but we have our jobs
to perform.

Yours is science;
mine is running a prison.

Well, I suppose a P.O.W.
camp is a necessary evil.

What a wonderful thought,
and how beautifully expressed.

Oh, yes, my men
are happy here.

But one hears such
terrible stories

of P.O.W. camps.
Oh, no...

I'm sorry, Colonel,
I didn't know you were busy.

I'll come back.
Hogan, stay.

We're never
too busy for you.

One of our prisoners.

Hogan, what can
I do for you?

Look for yourself, sir--
healthy, happy.

As always,
I am at your service.

Oh, the men think of me
like their father.

Everything all right, huh?

Everything is all right,
isn't it, Hogan?

Any complaints? No?

Uh, no complaints,
are there?

I'm doing my best, sir.
I can't think of one.

Not one complaint.

KLINK:
And you are happy here?

HOGAN:
Oh, very happy. Delirious.

Oh, we're one
big, happy family.

We live together.
We sleep together.

We eat together.

That reminds me, Colonel,
there is one complaint.

There's one complaint?

Yes. At dinner last night,

there was just a touch
too much lemon

in the sauce Bearnaise.

I remember that.

Remind me; I must talk
to the cook about that.

I am very glad to see

that you treat your
prisoners so well.

Oh, the colonel's
all heart.

Oh, yes, I am.

You see, my men
are prisoners in name only.

I give them all the freedom
in the world.

Oh, well, I must be
getting back to town.

Oh, by all means.
And may I take you in my car?

It's a nice little town,
isn't it?

You have been there?

Oh, yes. Every week,
Colonel Klink allows us

to go to town on pass.

It's part
of the honor system.

Isn't that right, sir?

Yes, that's right.

Oh, that is
very enlightened treatment.

And no one ever tries to escape?

Heavens to Betsy, why should we
when we have it so good here?

Incidentally,
that reminds me, Colonel,

it may have slipped
your mind,

but the men and I haven't been
to town in over two weeks.

Some other time?
They're going to be awfully disappointed, sir.

I don't want to
discuss it now.

This is the first time you've
gone back on your word, sir.

I, uh... I don't know how
I'm going to tell the men.

Hogan...

Well, I didn't want
to spoil the surprise, sir,

but the reason
they were going to town

was to get you
a birthday present.

It's not my birthday.

Birthdays aren't
on the calendar.

It's in the heart.

Colonel... it seems to me

if the men are looking
forward to it...

I'd love to, Dr. Svenson,
but there's no transportation.

We'll go in your car.
It's too crowded.

I wouldn't care.
Then it's settled.

I'll get packed.
Good!

Hold it! Halt!

Take it easy, Schultz.

I'm just getting a drink
of water.

Don't be so jumpy.

You heard what the
commandant said.

No monkey business.

So everybody sit down,
and no tricks.

Come on, Schultz,
you wouldn't really shoot us...

would you?

I have my instructions.

If necessary, shoot to kill.

So no funny stuff.

All right, fellas, take
it easy on Schultz.

CARTER:
Boy, some vacation.

Might just as well be
back at camp

for all the good
we're doing here.

I wouldn't say that.

Svenson's room
is on this floor.

At least we're close to him.

Yeah, well,
we ain't gonna get any closer,

not with that bloated
Doberman pinscher watching us.

( yawning )

I'm getting sleepy.

( yawning loudly )

Think I'll take
a nap, too.

( Heroes yawning loudly )

* Lullaby, lullaby... *

( Heroes humming )

( yawns )

( humming continues )

( snoring )

( humming stops )

( mouthing )

Room 406, please.

( with German accent ):
Hello, Dr. Svenson?

Is Colonel Klink there?

General Burkhalter calling.

Send that boy to camp.

( with German accent ):
Hello, Klink?

You idiot!
What are you doing in town?

I am here at your office
waiting for you.

Are you arguing with me, Klink?

Now listen.

I want you back here at camp
right away.

I am counting.

One!

Two!

Three!

( phone clicks )

I think he'll break some records
getting back to camp.

Got the bomb?

Right here.

It's a most unusual
fountain pen--

for writing off people.

And the whole thing is a bomb?

We're only blowing up one guy.

How's it work?

Well, you take the top off,
it'll explode.

If you want
a delayed action,

you just twist
this little ring

that the clip's on.

It's like an egg timer.

Yeah, instead of the egg
being finished,

it's the guy
that gets finished.

I wish it wasn't
Svenson.

He seems like
a nice guy.

I'm not crazy
about the idea, either.

but it's got to be done.

( snoring )

He's going to wake
himself up.

How can he?

He can't hear
anything.

( knocking )

Come in.

Doctor?

Colonel Hogan.

I thought Colonel Klink
was here.

Yes, he was, but he left
in quite a hurry.

Some business at the camp.

Won't you sit down,

I'll be with you
in a minute.

Speaking of business, doctor.

Are you going to give the Nazis
your new metal alloy?

That is supposed
to be a secret.

Not anymore.

Whose side are you on?

I'm not on either side.

I'm not a politician,
I'm a scientist.

All I want is to end the war.

Good.

And we want to be
the ones to end it.

Doctor, I can get you
out of Germany

with the Allies in two days.

No.

As soon as I finish
the formula...

You mean it isn't finished?

Two or three more months work.

That's good news.

Gives me more time
to swing you over to our side.

I told you,
I am not taking sides.

You are wasting your time.

I don't mind
wasting a little time, Doctor,

if I can get you to see
my point of view.

( chuckling )

I am going downstairs
for a drink.

Will you join me?

I'd love to.

Eh...

You want to write something?

Oh, I was going to send
somebody a message,

but, uh, it can wait.

* Everything happens to me *

* At first my heart thought you
could break a jinx for me *

* Und love would turn a trip
to end despair *

* But now I just can't
fool this head *

* But he's for me *

* I mortgage all
my castles in the air *

* I telegraphed and phoned *

* I sent an airmail special,
too. *

Look, if you don't
like New York,

there's always
California. !

* And there was even
postage due *

* I fell in love just once
and then it had to be with you *

* Everything happens to me *

( song ends with flourish )

( applause )

Here's your drink.

I, uh, didn't realize

you were
such a music lover.

I'll have to tell her

how much you enjoyed
her performance.

You know her?

You know that wonderful girl?

Can I meet her?

I think it could be arranged.

Fine! How soon?

Why not right now?

Wonderful!

How's it all going?

I think I found
the good doctor's weakness.

In the report Kinch received
from headquarters,

what did it say
about his being married?

Said he'd been
down the aisle,

made the trip four times.

He's practically
a commuter.

HOGAN:
Yep, the good doctor's a sucker for dames.

You know, with
a brainy fellow like that,

I thought he'd have had
a more dignified weakness.

You know, like
listening to symphonies.

Well, everybody hears
a different drummer.

I think I'm going
to pay Magda a visit.

How does she fit in
to all this?

Now, if you were
in love with a girl

that was going to go to
Hollywood for a screen test,

wouldn't you follow her?

Of course I would.

Any man would.

The doctor's a man.

( knocking )

Ja? Who is it?

HOGAN:
An admirer.

I had to see you.

I've never seen
such a performance.

I've never been
so moved.

Oh, ja,
I noticed you.

You were the only one
in the audience

who wasn't applauding.

Well, that's right.

I was so moved,
I couldn't move.

You really liked me?

Your talent is
for the world.

Oh!

Excuse me, but, uh...
who are you?

I'm a Hollywood
talent scout.

In the middle
of the war?

I'm a neutral.

Ah.

Tell me, have you
ever thought

of being
a Hollywood star?

A Hollywood star?

Me?

Please, don't
say no,

they need you.

But, uh,
how would I get there?

Leave that to me.

There is a war going on.

Just let me
hear you say

"I want to be
a Hollywood star,"

and I'll arrange
for the screen test.

Well, then,
yes, of course,

I want to be
a Hollywood star!

Then it's settled.

Oh, incidentally,

these flowers are
from another admirer.

A very important man.

"For the flower
of my heart.

Woodrow Eisner"

Well, that's not
his name.

It's Dr. Carl Svenson.

A famous scientist.

Svenson...

I never heard of him.

Well, he's been doing
some secret work,

but he's very famous.

He'd love you to have

a late supper
with him tonight.

Well, why he doesn't
ask me himself?

Well, he's shy.

Do you know
what he said to me?

He said,
"You ask her,

I wouldn't know
how to speak to a goddess."

He said that?

About me?

She really said that about me?

I can't believe it.

Well, maybe you'll
believe it

when she comes
to your room for supper.

She's coming to my room?

Insisted on it.

She wants to get
to know you better.

Oh, how wonderful!

For the first time in my life,
I'm really in love.

You've been married four times.

Oh, that doesn't mean
that I was in love.

No, Colonel,
this is the real thing.

Have you never felt the love

that comes to a man
once in a lifetime?

Dozens of times.

Another unhappy
message

from Allied headquarters,
Colonel.

I don't
blame them.

It's been almost a week
and I haven't been able

to get in touch
with Svenson or Magda.

Headquarters is right--

I should have knocked
Svenson off in town

when I had the chance,

instead of trying
to play Cupid.

But if your plan had worked,

we would have had
Svenson on our side.

Yeah, but it didn't work.

Now he's going
to complete the formula

and give it to the Nazis.

( car approaching )

Company coming.

General Burkhalter,

what an unexpected pleasure
to see you again, sir.

Unexpected, yes.

Pleasure, no.

This is Herr Grosser,
of the Gestapo.

Heil Hitler.

What reason would
the Gestapo have

for being here?

Of course, I will do
everything in my power

to cooperate fully
with you, sir.

Last Tuesday you went to town
with Dr. Carl Svenson.

Is that correct?

Yes, sir.

But that was all right,

General Burkhalter told me
to keep an eye on him.

On that evening,
he met a young lady,

Magda Tischler,

with whom he became
romantically involved.

Since meeting her,

he has not worked
on his formula,

for which our government
is waiting.

Well, that's love for you.

Oh, it was a terrible thing.

BURKHALTER:
Klink!

You were responsible
for Svenson.

How did it happen
that he met this young lady?

Because, sir,
you ordered me

to come back here to camp
at once.

No!
! And when I got here,

you weren't here,
not even a message.

No!
Yes!

Sir. Sir.

"Returned to camp
at order of General Burkhalter."

This isn't true.

I was at my wife's
sister's wedding.

"General says
he was at wedding."

Klink!

Are you trying to crawl
out of your responsibility?

No, sir.
No, sir, no.

Gentlemen,
I must be honest with you.

When I make my report to Berlin,

you are both going to be
in very big trouble.

Very big
trouble.

KLINK ( over radio ):
But I did get a call

from General Burkhalter.

BURKHALTER ( over radio ):
Klink!

You are the last one
I would call.

It's your fault
he met that girl.

How do you
like that?

The romance
did take.

Yeah, but now
the Gestapo

are going to put
a fire under Svenson.

Yeah, I know.

We've got to figure
some way to get to him

before the Gestapo
does.

This is a big day--
more company!

We've got to reach
Svenson and the girl.

Who is it?

You just said it:
Svenson and the girl.

Colonel Hogan!

You are just the man
that I want to see.

Yeah, and
there's somebody

who wants to see you,
look...

We want to get married,

and we want you to be
our best man.

Congratulations,

but your honeymoon's
going to be delayed.

I am giving up
my career for Carl.

I'm no longer interested
in Hollywood.

I just want to be
his wife.

I hate to break the bad news
to you kids,

but the Nazis
don't like romance--

especially yours.

What are you talking about?

Here comes the answer man now.

Dr. Svenson!

You tell them!

Didn't I get a call
from General Burkhalter

in my room?

Not that you called,
General.

That's enough.

This woman is
under arrest.

You can't do that.

We are being married.

What are your grounds
for arrest?

We cannot allow
anything to interfere

with your working
on the formula.

That makes this woman
an enemy of the Third Reich.

In that case, I have stopped
work on the formula.

Colonel Klink!

Place them both under arrest

while I make my report
to Berlin.

I'll pick up
the prisoners later.

Who knows...

there may be a few more
prisoners by then, huh?

Excuse me, sir,

I believe
you dropped this.

( car engine starts )

( explosion )

Come with me!

All right,
get down into the tunnel.

There'll be somebody
at the other end

to get you to England.

I don't know

how to thank you
for all of this.

Giving the formula
to our side

is thanks enough.

Oh, wait a minute.

There is another thanks
you can give me--

a kiss from the bride.

Good bye.

Good luck.

( sighs )

Another day, another dollar.

You all saw
what happened!

I was never near the car
when it exploded!

Was I!

That's right.

And that's
what I'll tell them

when they ask me.

And don't forget,

I was right here
with General Burkhalter.

Well, let's see, now,
were you?

You know I was.

Yes, of course.
Yes, you were.

But there will be a very
thorough investigation.

That's right!

Who knows
what they might find out.

There is one thing,
though.

Nobody will get
to see his report.

That's right,
no report.

What about Svenson?

That's right,
what about Dr. Svenson?

I thought
I saw Svenson

get in the car
with the Gestapo man,

didn't you?

Yes, I think
I saw that, too.

I know I saw it
with my own eyes.

But what if
Dr. Svenson...

Are you going to question
the general?

General Burkhalter,

if you saw it
with your own eyes,

I saw it with
my own eyes.

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