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- How's that? - Yeah.

- That's good. That's good. - Oh, shit. Okay.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah? How's that?

- Good. - Am I hurting you?

- No. Everything's fine. - Okay.

Is this good for you?

- Yeah, yeah. It's the best. - Okay, good.

Yeah. I'd have a better base if we got rid of the money.

No.

No, no, no. Now that I have disposable income,

I wanna do it like they do in the movies.

We're doing that. Your bra is on.

We both know that money is teeming with germs and...

- Come on, stay positive. - Yeah.

Won't Lincoln watching you do it make you last longer?

I don't want this to last any longer than it has to.

- Okay. Let me just maybe... - Yeah.

- I don't know... - Just a little bit.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh!

Just shift my weight here.

Hello, baby.

- Yeah, this is the Big Bopper speaking. - I put it on shuffle.

Why is it even on there?

'Cause it's a great song. Come on.

I can't do it.

My arms are too tired.

- Although they do look bigger now. - Nice.

You're ripped.

- What's wrong? - Well, I listed a bunch

of these Gunne Sax dresses, and no one's bid yet.

Is that because they're kind of honky-tonk?

No, no. The country look is hot right now.

Cowgirl tops, and peasant shirts, long skirts...

The Gunne Sax is what we're evolving toward,

and I'm gonna be there first.

I bet you will.

Steve Jobs didn't earn his turtleneck

by just waiting for the next big thing to come to him.

These girls are gonna claw each other's eyeballs out,

just to get in on the ground floor of a new trend.

Sophia.

- Mm-hmm? - I'm going on tour for several months.

You're right.

I get it.

I'm obsessing.

But, hey, I promise you,

as soon as I get my insurance card and get my hernia fixed,

I'm flying out to see you, and then watch out.

I'm gonna show you what I'm really like in the bed.

And that's five minutes on top, missionary,

- and then you're done? - Uh-huh.

Yeah, Sophia's so crazy.

No doggy style.

Ew! No, that's sexist.

- Why? - 'Cause you're calling me a dog.

I'd be a dog in that scenario, too.

I wouldn't be, like, a human fucking a dog.

This can't be the last conversation that I have with my girlfriend.

Hey, do you like reggae music?

Was that you trying to change the subject?

If that was, that was the most pathetic attempt ever.

But do you like reggae?

Like on a hot summer day, or maybe on a booze cruise?

I get it. It slipped out.

But calling you my girlfriend helps me set boundaries.

It will help me not cheat on tour. Trust me.

I like to keep it cas, remember?

Cas, totally cas.

So cas that I'm not even finishing the word.

'Cause finishing words is for uptight guys in suits, and I...

- You know what I mean? - Yeah.

- It's just cas for me. - That was to get you to stop talking.

Oh, well, you failed, 'cause I can talk right through a kiss.

I'm very talkative. You're gonna have to... No. You think that'll work?

You can't force me to do anything.

See? I can still keep talking, no matter how many times...

Yes.

Oh, hey, Lionel, I'm insured.

Congrats.

Now you can get those teeth fixed.

Bye.

Hey, kid. Come here for a second, would you?

Yes, Mr. Security?

See that unattended bag over there?

- The one in the corner? - Yes, I do.

What vibe are you getting off of that? Art exhibit or Homeland Security threat?

Sir, these are strange days we are living in.

You cannot be too careful.

I think it is your patriotic duty to report that.

Fucking A, right, I'm a patriot.

I got big news.

Oh, let me guess.

You started watching Wife Swap, so, now we can talk about it all the time.

That's never gonna happen. This is what's up.

And, Rick, now that I'm insured, I'm out-skis.

You're quitting just like that?

Well, I'm not gonna leave you all high and dry,

like a total douche, B. I'll stay to the end of the week.

But that's tomorrow.

Yeah, it is. And then my life begins.

Wait. But what about your hernia?

Yes, well, my insurance lasts for three months.

So, I got time to fix that nonsense.

What I don't have time for is letting my soul die

in the most boring job known to man.

Clearly you've never worked at the Crater Lake Visitor Center.

Listen, every second I spend in this brainwash factory

not working on Nasty Gal is one more second of my life wasted.

I need to be out there, following my passion.

And never looking back.

Oh, my God. She's right.

This whole time I've been hiding.

- Denying my true self. - Look, kid, if you're coming out,

- I think I can save you some time. - No, I've been out since I was three.

I'm talking about myself as an artist.

When Basquiat was my age,

he was homeless and living in a box and spray painting walls.

He wasn't going to office hours, so a teacher could tell him

that he needs to make better use of negative space.

I've gotta get out of here.

- And take the leap. - Kind of stealing my thunder.

Here is my ID.

A symbolic gesture, since it is expired.

Rough picture, kid.

- Sophia. - Yes?

Thank you.

And I still owe you lunch from those three times.

I'm a little worried about him, but not enough to step in.

Bid.

Bid.

I command you to bid.

It's like, I'm not too worried.

Bidding always picks up right before the auction closes.

But I just need that one girl,

you know, get the ball rolling, and then the feeding frenzy begins.

Unless that one girl died of smallpox, 200 years ago.

Annie...

those Gunnes are gonna be in style.

- Do you wanna know why? - Hmm.

Because I'm never wrong.

Hmm.

Except for when anyone asks me to pick a hand.

Do it.

- No, you're wrong. - What?

- Look. - Oh, God.

Yeah.

- You know, in business school, we... - Yes, we know.

We know. You went into huge debt, just to become more boring.

It's crippling debt. And thanks for never leaving a tip.

What they teach you is, you can't tell the market what it wants.

The market tells you.

Uh, that's not true.

I didn't know that I wanted chicken fries until Burger King told me that I did.

- Now I love them. - Yeah. We read about Burger King.

Chicken fries were a result of a focus group study,

and the results were clear, Americans love fried cylinders.

I love this country so fucking much.

You know, your nerdy studies may work for businesses,

but what I have is not a business.

It's bigger than that.

- It's my personal passion. - All right.

But it may behoove you to listen to a learned source.

Dax, what did I tell you about using the word "behoove"?

You said it wouldn't behoove me.

The point is, is that history is littered with cases of shortsighted companies

who didn't recognize what the customers wanted,

and ended up going belly up. Gadzooks, Polaroid, Schwinn.

Well, those companies failed because they sound stupid.

Most companies fail. Ninety-five percent of them fail

in the first five years.

Hey, I like those odds.

'Cause I know I'll be in the five percent that made it.

Okay, Sophia. You got it.

But if you find yourself playing a prediction game, you better be right.

Otherwise your "non-business," or personal passion,

whatever you wanna call it, it's going down.

Is it that hard for there to be toilet paper in the bathroom?

They save the toilet paper for the ones with talent.

I am really gonna miss the way you yell.

Aw.

Whoa, who's that for?

Well, uh, it's your last day, so, I thought we'd have a little celebration,

'cause, well, the truth of it is...

you're the best employee I've ever trained.

Rick, that is so nice.

And crazy if true.

Well, anyways, enjoy your, uh, cupcake.

You know, the fun thing about this is you can pretend it's a regular cake

- and that you're a giant. - Oh, cool.

Look, there's something I've been wanting to say to you...

- Well, um... - But I'm not much of a word talker,

- Actually... - so, pardon the envelope.

I used one of the free ones they give you with your electric bill.

- You know, to save trees. - Um...

I'm actually not leaving. I've been thinking about it and...

I decided not to quit.

- I'm gonna take this back. - Okay.

Trust me on it, it'll be better for both of us. Mostly me.

So, uh, why the sudden change of heart?

Yesterday you said some pretty hurtful things

about this suckhole of a job.

Well, I just think the smarter play...

...is not to make any big moves right now.

I thought you said, as soon as you got your insurance card,

you were gonna get the surgery, so that you could, and I quote:

"Wreck that man's south parts."

Have you seen the statistics for people getting hernia surgery?

No, girl. If it's not in Us Weekly...

They are terrifying. Five percent of people die from it.

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

I do not like those odds. I know I'll be in the five percent that doesn't make it.

Wait, so, why stay at the art school?

Well, sometimes being the boss of yourself means working for other people.

- And Rick lets me do whatever I want. - Rick is so hot.

Gotta love a salt-and-pepper ballsack.

To me, being free means working a job to support your hobby.

Wait, so, your passion is a hobby now.

It means opening up your fridge to find that produce

that I didn't fish out of the Dumpster.

It means not drinking crap convenience store coffee,

'cause, oh, man, I wanna drink Starbucks.

- That shit tastes so good. - Mm-hmm.

- You know what? - Hmm?

I just decided.

From now on, that's all I'm drinking.

Starbucks.

I am the American dream.

Grande, half-caf, soy, no-foam, caramel macchiato.

Yup. You good.

Go draw some lines.

You go, girl.

- Grande, half-caf, soy... - No-foam, caramel macchiato.

Grande, half-caf, soy, no-foam, caramel macchiato?

Grande, half-caf, soy, no-foam, caramel macchiato?

Yep.

You fucking piece of shit!

Shit!

You fucking piece of shit!

Gross. You're disgusting.

Sweater piece of shit.

Goddamn it!

You. Oh, you suck.

You suck. You're the worst.

You're just the worst. The most disgusting human being.

You can fool everybody? Well, not yourself.

You have no vision, no creativity. You're a failure.

What were you thinking?!

It's my hernia.

It exploded.

Just relax. We know what we're doing.

Shit, this is serious.

Am I gonna die?

But I'm so young.

I've got so much left to do.

I have to shave the area now.

- Hey. - Hey, five o'clock shadow.

Is there a doctor in the house?

This gentleman here will be administering the sedative.

Hi.

- Huh? - Now take long, deep breaths.

And when you wake up, don't push yourself too hard.

A lot of patients come out of it disoriented and loopy.

Some of them say the most hurtful things.

That won't be me.

I'm in complete control.

I'm not gonna embarrass myself in front of that smoking piece of...

Yeah, bitches.

Sophia alive, y'all.

Hey, there's hot doc.

I should say something to him. But I don't wanna sound crazy.

But I won't, because I'm totally lucid right now.

Not like those other weak-brained schmucks.

All right, Sophia. Impress him with your...

Bonjour!

You're hot.

I love you.

Mm-mm-mm.

Where's crazy eyebrows?

Everything went well. We did a full repair on the hernia.

You should be able to go home soon.

Oh, we went ahead and reached out to your emergency contact.

Daddy.

I've never called him Daddy. What is happening?

- Try it one more time. - Daddy.

You said the same thing, only louder.

Gotta stop talking.

Come on in.

Come in.

So glad that you're finally here.

I'm excited to show you how great I'm doing.

Yeah, I see.

Cool. You can keep your shoes on.

Want some baby carrots? 'Cause there's a lot of baby carrots.

Baby carrots saved the carrot industry.

People didn't even know they wanted them till they saw them.

I am smarter than that business-school nerd.

Oh...

There are those sad eyes again.

Always those sad eyes with me.

Don't worry, Dad.

It's okay.

I like this life.

Just get some rest.

Mm-hm.

Here, I'll help you.

Yup. There.

Yeah, there.

I'll take your shoes off for you.

Oh, no.

Why aren't you in the bank?

It's 'cause I was having sex on you.

Isn't money funny?

It's colored paper.

With man heads.

Me sleepy.

You know what I think about? How we used to move around a lot.

You know, before coming here.

You were always having to make new friends.

- Kids be dicks, yo. - Yeah.

You know, I remember this one time, I took you to the park.

We were living in Indiana. You must've been, I don't know,

seven or eight.

And you wanted to play tag with this group of neighborhood kids,

but... they wouldn't let you.

Now, any other girl...

would've been in tears.

Not you.

They went off and did their thing, and you just...

picked up this red string you found, and started...

running around, dragging it behind you.

At first, the kids thought you were crazy.

Hell, I thought you were crazy.

But you were just so relentless.

You told them the string was attached to a kite.

And not just any kite.

It shot fireworks...

and had a rainbow tail.

Mm-hmm.

Before long, you had...

every one of those kids begging you to try out that damn kite.

You were so fearless.

I remember thinking...

my Sophia...

is going to be capable of anything.

Somewhere along the line, you...

gave up on yourself.

Maybe I did, too.

Oh!

You're awake.

Hi.

I was so worried about you.

Sweet Annie.

So glad you're here.

I came as soon as I could. And your dad was here, too,

but he had to go to work.

And that guy just gets hotter as he ages.

And let me tell you, I charmed the hell out of him.

He was all like, "Take care of Sophia." And I was all like,

"Oh, well, well, well."

He was like, "Hey, please, try to sell her on college.

She listens to you." And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Okay, I give up.

You can fuck my dad.

Hmm.

No. Now the appeal's gone.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Where you going? You're on bed rest, you lucky turd.

Annie, I had a brush with death.

I saw the other side.

It taught me one thing.

I need to quit that art school job,

because I have a business to run.

Amen, sister.

No matter how many Gunne Sax I do not sell,

I'm never gonna give up.

- Preach. - Take a memo.

I don't have a pen.

Right. Just remind me to call Shane and tell him that I'm alive,

and I'm not gonna be able to meet up with them on tour,

- because I am too busy to get busy. - TBTGB.

- Okay. Can we just do this later? - Yeah.

In my head, this looked way more gangster, and I'm hurting real bad.

- Okay, one question. - Mm-hmm?

Which hand's the Vicodin in?

That one.

It was in both.

- Wha...? Oh, you're the best. - You win.

Sophia, I was worried about you. Hey, did they let you keep it?

- The hernia? - Yeah.

No, it doesn't really work that way I don't think.

Right, right, right. Just checking.

Because if they had let you keep it,

then I would have made a very stern phone call on your behalf.

- We need to talk. - Listen, I know what this is about.

You know...

I was silly to think

that keeping that note from you would kill the electricity that we have.

If it can survive the socially unacceptable age difference,

- then... - Yeah.

Yeah, it can survive anything.

And I've always said,

half your age plus seven is more of a guideline...

I have to quit.

- For real this time. - Just reaching here. Uh...

Is this because you have a rule against dating coworkers?

- No. No, no. That's not it. - No.

- Sorry. - Well...

All right, well, this conversation's going swimmingly for old Rick.

Oh...

But hey.

Got something for you.

- Saved a tree myself. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Just don't open it

- until after I leave, okay? - Okay.

Later, dude.

Later.

- What? - It's so deep.

Oh, my...

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