Original subtitles

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Come on, now, they're all waiting.

No, Mom! No!

Sweetheart, it's all right.

If you don't love Kevin yet, you will.

We all will.

Nobody can understand you, sweetie.

I think she said, "It's the chest." She's always been really top heavy.

It's the dress!

Oh.

I want the vintage beaded one.

She told me it'd be here on time. She promised me.

That's what you get for ordering it online.

The Internet should only be used to forward prayer chains

and make jokes about the Clintons.

Mom! How is that helpful?

Look, everybody here thinks you look better in this dress.

You're breathtaking.

- You're stunning. - Eh...

- Really? - You're glowing.

I swear to God, I'm gonna tear that fuckin' Nasty Gal apart.

Okay. I'm ready.

We've got movement.

Just lick my ass.

Was that directed at me?

Oh, no. Talking about ladyshopper99.

This bitch thinks she can get a refund with some weak sauce excuse?

"Dress is discolored." Please. I know that shit was perfect.

You wanna come at me, you best kill me. Otherwise, I'm gonna fuck up your world!

Hi. I'm Sophia.

I'm Nathan. And I love everything you just said.

Well, goodbye forever.

- What do you mean? - Okay, I'll tell you.

I can't afford to be a student here anymore.

Sorry, I just...

I have a lot of creative energy, and I don't know how to channel it.

Not on my own, you know? I wanna...

I wanna make art that makes you feel something.

Like when you look at Monet's Water Lilies,

or Van Gogh's Starry Night.

Or... this.

Take it in.

You're not going anywhere.

What do you mean?

No one who feels as passionately as you do

should be kept from a place like this because of money.

Not if I can do anything about it, which I can.

You're gonna give me $20,000?

No, man. Come on. Please.

I'm just gonna let you in. Give me this.

Wait. You would risk your livelihood

just so you could help me pursue my dreams?

Sure.

I only got this job so I can afford hernia surgery.

Like so many other young vibrant women.

My uncle had a hernia.

- Hm. - He's dead now.

- Not from the hernia. - Oh.

From complications with it.

So, what do you think? Is it art?

- Yes? - Yeah.

- It is. - Mm.

Or is it?

It's not?

Is it?

- No, seriously, is it? - Oh...

I need you to tell me, because the teacher said it wasn't.

Oh.

- Please. Definitely art. - Ah.

Thank you.

You know, I wish I could say that was the first time

that I accidentally stepped on a baby, but, oh, I buried the lead.

They opened a Jamba across from my waxer.

So, earlier today I was able to pop by for a quick sip and rip.

Oh!

Oh, I wanna be inside you.

Discolored? Does this dress look discolored to you?

'Cause to me, this color be a coffee stain.

I'm loving your energy right now.

Ladyshopper99 clearly spilled coffee on this dress,

and then had the nerve to send it back.

Well, stained, discolored, whatever it is,

it's mine now.

Oh, my God, this dress is heaven.

I could so walk down the aisle wearing this.

- And marry who? - I don't know.

Dax? Buzz Aldrin? Your dad?

I'm gonna let that go because I'm pissed at someone else.

God, I wanna fuck an astronaut so bad.

Hey, unrelated, have you seen Failure to Launch?

Mm-mm.

It's an okay movie, but then they go play paintball,

and, no joke, it goes on for, like, two and a half hours.

Okay. Listen to this malarkey.

"We've been working tirelessly

to set up the home for my wedding this Saturday."

Blah, blah, blah.

"Now I have to find a replacement dress,

but when I find the time, expect a scathing review."

Eh...? Wh...? Uh...?

Shit. I just started this thing. She cannot do this to me.

There's no small chance you just missed the stain?

- Hell no. - Okay.

But this isn't about me being right or her being a lying sack of shit.

Okay. I know what I'm gonna do.

I will assure ladyshopper99 that I can get the dress cleaned

and back in her arms before the wedding.

Or you let me keep the dress and you kill ladyshopper99.

Hmm...

Here's the thing. You get caught, you go to jail.

But you're released early for good behavior.

I'm there to pick you up, I'm wearing the dress. Bad decision.

But you don't say anything at first, so, I think I'm off the hook.

But then, out from behind your back,

I think you're gonna pull a knife, and it's a bouquet.

And Buzz Aldrin is there,

and you've organized my wedding on the day of your prison release.

You're a really good friend.

Yep, that's definitely a stain. Looks recent.

I knew it.

My first guess was coffee,

but on closer inspection, I'm positive it's Coke.

Hm.

- Diet Coke. - Do you think you could get it out?

Miss... we are the best.

You want the worst, you go to my brother's.

- You want the best, stay where you are. - Got it.

I thought all dry cleaners were pretty much the same.

That kind of statement would be hurtful to a less confident man.

So, Diet Coke, huh?

Yes, I will get this out, no problem.

The dress will be ready end of the day Friday.

Whoa. That's cutting it a little close.

Do you think you could have it faster, since you're the best?

End of the day Friday. Anywhere else would take longer.

My shit brother's place? Two weeks.

Jesus, what the hell happened between you and your brother?

He is the worst.

Shouldn't have taken the bait. Okay. I'll be back to pick this up on Friday.

Thank you. You are in good hands.

- Edwin, don't you mean the best? - Best hands.

- Yes. - Yes.

What's wrong with Melissa?

It's Marissa.

If you wanna live to see another Chrismukkah, shut your pretty mouth.

- Aw, you're too cute to... - I'm not fucking kidding around.

All right. All right, cool it. He's got her out of the car.

They'll kiss, she'll smile, we'll check in with Seth and Summer

because they're way more interesting.

And then they'll head home and get a great big hug from Peter Eyebrows.

God, I hope you're right.

Marissa. Marissa.

Marissa.

Who the hell?

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

- Nasty Gal Vintage, Sophia speaking. - What?

Yep.

Ladyshopper99, I am so happy you still want the dress.

Yes. Oh, please, no, no, no. You live so close.

I promise you I will have that dress ready

and in your hands well before you walk down the aisle.

What is happening? Somebody do something.

Yes. Discolorations can be difficult to see in certain kinds of light.

Great suggestion.

I will have my bulbs looked at.

- Marissa. - No, you're right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, she's dead?

That Melissa chick important?

Yeah. She's not just, like, a character on a show, okay?

- She's also really pretty. - Thank you so, so much.

- Sophia? Sophia. - Thank you. We'll talk soon.

- Bye-bye. Have a good one. - Sophia.

Sophia. They killed her.

Those monsters killed her.

I cannot believe I had a work call

during the most significant TV event of our lifetime.

I hope this means they make Taylor Townsend a regular next year.

Who the fuck likes Taylor Townsend?

- ID, please. - Thanks.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Thanks. - ID, please.

Thank you. Proceed.

Look at us breaking the law.

The funny thing is I'm not allowed in Blockbuster, either.

I rented Cider House Rules. Never returned it.

I was trying to get my Michael Caine down.

"These be the rules of the Cider House."

Whoa.

Promise me you'll say hi to me in that voice every morning.

As you wish, Sophia.

Oh, my God. Did you watch The OC last night?

- Of course. - Like, I literally just stopped crying.

My mother started a "Save Marissa" petition online.

- You watch it with your mother? - Of course. I live with her.

- Oof. I'm sorry. - Why? I love it.

We cook together, we drink together,

we spy on our shady neighbor together.

Those apron strings are tight.

No offense, but that's nuts.

Sophia, you must come to my house for dinner tonight.

A home-cooked meal is the least I can do to repay you.

Thanks, but I have to deal with that customer wedding dress return thing.

Well, if you change your mind,

we are the big gay house right across from the 7-Eleven.

Oh!

You got the stain out. Here you go.

Now, we had a small hiccup with the beads,

but I crawled around on the floor for hours,

making sure I retrieved each and every one.

Dude, what the hell? I have a messenger coming

to pick this up, like, right now. I should have gone to your brother's.

- You don't mean that. - Yes, I do.

I'm gonna have to reschedule, get a new pickup time.

- You could always deliver it yourself. - Yeah, right. To Marin?

Yes. Reattach the beads, drive it over and have it there by nightfall.

Sophia don't do bridges.

Edwin don't like tone.

What do you mean you can't pick up after six?

You're a 24/7 messenger service.

No, no, no, I will not be put on a brief hold.

Oh, good, you're back. Okay. What was your name? Karen.

Karen. What a great name.

Now, why don't you just try to put yourself in my shoes for a moment?

What do you mean, you can't?

- It's just a saying, Karen, jeez. - No, no, no! No hold!

Okay.

Oh, hi. Hello, Karen.

All right, let's just start over.

How early could you pick up the dress in the morning?

7:00 a.m. Great. Not a minute later. I cannot stress that enough.

No, no, no. No hold. I'm done. Except for this: you can't be late!

Ow! Oh.

Mom, she came!

- Sophia! - Sophia!

- Come in, come in. - Come in, come in.

- Come in, come in! - Come in, come in!

So, now you can imagine a five-year-old Nathan,

running around the house in nothing but his Underoos,

wiping grape jelly all over the walls.

Oh, my God.

I was working with the canvas that was available to me.

And that's, I guess, when I knew that this kid was a creative genius.

- Thank you, Mama. - You're welcome.

Remember the...

What? What?

The hand turkey? My interpretation of the hand turkey.

Oh! It was graphic.

- Okay. - 'Cause it was my penis.

- What? - It was my penis five times.

I don't know. I guess I thought it was more like the plumage or something.

I don't know.

I can't believe you'd say that in front of your mom.

- I say everything in front of my mom. - He did it in front of his mother.

- What do you mean, say it? Oh, my gosh. - I did.

All right, so, when I finally go and I take the grape jelly jar...

out of his hands and I was like, "Ah!"

He looks at me with his little beautiful blue eyes

and he said, "Mama, you are my best friend."

How cute is that?

I mean, I didn't have the heart to tell him that, no,

indeed, I was not his best friend because, at the time...

I had a best friend whose name was Nancy Miller.

- Okay. - Don't even say her name.

And Nancy Miller was my best friend until she tried to convince me

that she introduced Josh Groban's music to me,

which is not possible because she doesn't watch the Today show.

- Mom. Come on. - There's no way my cassette ended up in...

- her car. - Come on.

The Four Agreements.

I'd take a breath, but she...

- I mean, she is one piece of work. - Well...

- Nancy is... - Bless her heart.

- Bless her heart. - As we say.

Nancy Miller's loss was my gain.

- Oh, for sure. - Nancy's loss was my gain.

Fo' sho.

Fo' sho.

You two are a trip.

- Oh, we know. - We know.

We know.

What about you? What's your family like?

Oh, um...

Well... not much to say.

My mom... is not around. Which is...

Yeah.

My dad, he...

He works hard, you know, but he's pretty critical

of me, mostly.

You know, I can't imagine sharing everything with him like you guys.

You know, I have this eBay thing, which I think is pretty cool, but...

I know that he would just find a way of making it seem like

I was doing it all wrong and...

I just...

I'm not even gonna mention it to him until I can...

buy a big house, like a dream house and...

a Corvette...

fucking Jacuzzi.

Really everything that Barbie has.

Sorry.

Come here.

- No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine. - Come here.

Come here.

You okay?

Yeah.

Well, then let's get drunk and confess our sins.

That fucking Miller.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

That shit is so good!

Where's this from?

Bakersfield. Cool.

I had a boyfriend in Bakersfield once.

- That's nice. - He tasted worse than that wine.

♪ You raise me up ♪

♪ So I can stand on mountains ♪

♪ You raise me up ♪

♪ To walk on stormy seas ♪

♪ I am strong ♪

♪ When I am on your shoulders ♪

♪ You raise me up ♪

♪ To more than I can be ♪

Hello?

I'm on time just like you asked.

Karen?

No.

Nathan.

What time is it?

Why am I still here?

And why am I not in the jeans that I showed up in?

Oh, my God.

Ladyshopper99 must be ripshit right now.

Relax, you still have plenty of time to get to work.

No, you spoon. I have to get a dress to Marin.

I had it planned. It was gonna get picked up

and then you two had to be all nice and fun and loving...

God damn it, breakfast in bed, who does that?

You won't find many people, but we're out there.

Oh, stop being so nice.

- She's crazy. - She pushed instead of pulled.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Fuck, shit.

Balls. Suck a dick.

Fuck my cock. God damn it! Agh!

Oh, my good Lord.

Come on!

Come on, Sophia.

You can do this. You do not want a bad review.

A bad review is death.

Okay.

Here we go.

I am the problem!

I am the problem! I am the problem!

I'm not sure what's happening but I'm moved, like beyond.

I am the problem! I am the problem!

Body cramp!

Body cramp!

I'm coming through!

Ladyshopper99.

Ladyshopper99.

You're okay.

Okay, make a right right here.

All right, now, as fast as you can, get me to that door. Yeah!

Okay, okay. Right here, right here. Perfect. Thank you so much.

Okay.

This will only take a minute, so, stay right here, okay? Don't move.

Ladyshopper99?

Hello?

Okay.

All right. Okay, baby.

Mama's got you.

Okay.

Okay.

Bride?

Where is this bride?

Come on, bride.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh... Oh!

I swear to God...

I'm gonna tear that fuckin' Nasty Gal apart.

Okay. I'm ready.

We've got movement.

Ladyshopper99.

Nasty Gal.

Your dress.

I can't believe you're actually here.

Did you get the discoloration out?

Mm-hmm.

You better thank your lucky fucking stars you got this to me in time.

- What's the hold up? - I'm going to change dresses.

Just wear that one. Who cares?

I do.

This is my day, asshole.

When I'm in a stressful situation, the best thing to do is to count to ten.

Oh, my God, Heather. Just shut up and go back to fucking Florida.

- Courtney. - Nobody here...

- You are sucking me dry. I have no money. - Hey, wait. This is about me, Kevin.

I'm gonna need a Diet Coke with a lot of lime.

Sophia!

- Sophia? - Sophia!

- Come in. - Come in.

Come in, come in, come in.

- This is for you. - For me?

Yeah. Thanks for covering me at work.

- It was super cool of you. - Oh, Sophia. It was a pleasure

and an exhilaration to be you for a day and see art through a non-artist's eyes.

Okay. Again, thanks.

And since I sweated my ass off in this thing, I cleaned it...

- and jazzed it up a bit. - Oh, my God. Well...

call me the new mayor of Las Vegas. I love it.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, it's the least I could do after being such a Nancy Miller this morning.

Stop it. You didn't "borrow" my rice cooker for two years.

Did you get your dress back in time?

Yeah, just barely.

Was she happy?

I don't know.

We'll see.

Well, either way, I'm proud of you.

Mm.

Ooh.

Fo' sho.

Mm.

This is Jay. Leave a message.

Hey, Dad.

It's me.

I've been wanting to tell you that I got a job.

Like... a real one.

Where I'll get health insurance and everything.

Oh, and, um...

I sold a dress online...

for a lot of money.

Like, real American dollars.

And I've been doing really good.

Well, Superman does good...

as you always tell me.

I'm sorry that we don't see each other more.

I miss you.

To send your message, press one at any time.

To listen to your message, press two.

To re-record, press three.

For more options, press four.

Hey, Jay. It's Sophia.

I was just calling to tell you that I'm doing...

Doing okay.

So...

yeah.

That's it.

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