Original subtitles

- MORNING, ALL! - MORNING, CHARLES.

- I SUPPOSE YOU WANT BREAKFAST. - NO, THANKS.

I JUST HAD A YUMMY BREAKFAST AT HOME.

EGGS FLORENTINE, CROISSANTS WITH MARMALADE

AND FRESH-GROUND NICARAGUAN COFFEE.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT KIND OF BREAKFAST?

THE WOMEN YOU SLEEP WITH CAN'T FIGURE OUT

WHICH END OF A POP-TART GOES IN THE TOASTER.

- BESIDES, THE NEXT MORNING,

AREN'T THEY TOO BUSY SLAMMING THEIR HEADS

AGAINST THE BATHROOM MIRROR?

- THIS WASN'T A BABE. MY NEW ROOMMATE COOKED IT.

- SINCE WHEN DID YOU GET A ROOMMATE?

- SINCE I DISCOVERED HE COMES WITH HIS OWN BIG-SCREEN TV.

ANYWAY, HANK'S A CHEF ON OUR SHIP

AND HE WENT THROUGH A NASTY BREAK-UP

HE NEEDED A PLACE TO STAY.

PLUS, HE'S GREAT-LOOKING!

- UH, WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, CHARLEY?

- ARE YOU KIDDING? WOMEN SWARM TO THIS GUY

LIKE MOSQUITOES TO ONE OF THOSE BUG-ZAPPERS.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT!

BZZT! ONE FOR HIM.

BZZT! ONE FOR ME. - YEAH.

- SO, BUG-BOY'S A LOOKER, HUH? WHEN DO WE GET TO MEET HIM?

- WELL, RIGHT NOW IF YOU WANT. HE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE.

HEY, HANK! I WANT YOU TO MEET SOME PEOPLE.

AND, CAROL, TRY NOT TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

- OH, PLEASE!

- SORRY ABOUT MY APPEARANCE, I WAS JUST WORKING ON MY CAR.

I'M HANK FARRELL.

- HI-- - CAROL WESTON.

NICE TO MEET YOU, HUNK.

- HEY, YOU SAID "HUNK." HEY, HANK, SHE SAID "HUNK."

- NO, NO, I DIDN'T, I SAID "HANK."

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID "HUNK," CAROL--

- SHUT UP, CHARLEY!

- SWEETHEART, SWEETHEART... HI! I'M HARRY WESTON,

THIS IS OUR FRIEND SOFIA.

- HI, SWEETIE. YOU GOT A GRANDPA?

- WELL, I REALLY GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.

- OH, LI-LISTEN, IF YOU NEED ANY TOOLS, I MEAN...

ALL MY STUFF IS IN...

CHARLEY'S GARAGE.

- WELL, THANKS. IT WAS VERY NICE TO MEET ALL OF YOU.

- IT WAS VERY NICE MEETING ALL OF YOU, TOO.

- SO, CAROL, I GUESS YOU'LL BE BUZZING AROUND MY HOUSE

LIKE A HORNY LITTLE MOSQUITO.

- OH, GROW UP, CHARLEY! I MEAN, SURE HE'S A HANDSOME MAN,

BUT I'M NOT JUST INTERESTED IN THE WAY A MAN LOOKS.

I'M INTERESTED IN THE--

HOLY MOLEY! HE DROPPED HIS WRENCH.

THAT'S IT, PICK IT UP, BABY.

- BZZT!

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE, I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, EARL, LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

DAMN. - WHAT'S WRONG, HARRY?

- I'M SUPPOSED TO PLAY GOLF THIS WEEKEND.

ONE OF THE GUYS IN MY REGULAR FOURSOME

GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

- OH, MY GOD! IS HE OKAY?

- YEAH! NO, NO, HE'S FINE, HE...

HE JUST LAUGHS OUT OF CONTEXT A LITTLE AND...

HE'S AFRAID TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON CLOUDY DAYS.

ANYWAY...

WE NEED A FOURTH. KNOW ANYBODY WHO PLAYS GOLF?

- YEAH...ME.

- [chuckling] I DON'T KNOW, MAXINE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'D ENJOY IT.

- WHY NOT?

- WELL, THESE GUYS ARE ALWAYS TELLING DIRTY STORIES

AND PULLING STUPID PRACTICAL JOKES.

I MEAN, THEY EMBARRASS ME SOMETIMES.

- YOU MEAN YOU'RE EXCLUDIN' HER JUST 'CAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN?

SHE CAN TELL DIRTY STORIES, TOO, YOU KNOW.

AND HER PRACTICAL JOKES ARE JUST AS STUPID AS THE NEXT GUY'S.

PLUS, SHE CAN CUSS A BLUE STREAK AND BELCH LIKE A TRUCKER.

- I AM QUITE A CATCH, AREN'T I?

- HEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME? - YOU PLAY GOLF?

- I MOST CERTAINLY DO.

JUST LAST WEEK I STROKED A 3-FOOT BIRDIE PUTT

THAT ROLLED RIGHT IN THE CLOWN'S MOUTH.

- I'M TELLING YOU, HARRY. WOMEN THROW THEMSELVES AT HANK.

WE'VE ALREADY GOT EIGHT PHONE NUMBERS.

AND WHEN HE CAN'T HANDLE 'EM ALL,

I'LL BE THERE TO SOAK UP THE OVERFLOW.

I'M LIKE THE PAPER TOWEL OF LOVE.

- AND I'M HONORED TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

[doorbell rings]

OH, HERE WE ARE.

HEY, GUYS! - HEY-HEY! READY TO GO!

- ALL RIGHT! OH, THIS IS CHARLEY DIETZ,

CHARLEY, THIS IS EARL AND BUD.

- HI. - HOW YOU DOIN'?

- HI. - HEY, WELCOME ABOARD, JACK!

SAY, LISTEN, YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE PLAY,

WE ALWAYS LIKE TO MAKE A LITTLE BET.

YOU WANNA KICK IN 20 BUCKS?

- SURE! WHAT'S--WHAT'S THE BET?

- HA HA...WHETHER OR NOT WE COULD CON YOU OUT OF 20 BUCKS.

- THAT'S GREAT-- HEY, LET ME KNOW IF I WIN, OKAY?

- GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CHARLEY'S NOT OUR FOURTH. MAXINE ISN'T HERE YET.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA...MAXINE?

YOU GOT A WOMAN?

- YEAH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

I'M SICK OF WOMEN!

THEY'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT SOME PROBLEM OR OTHER.

- EARL, YOU'RE A GYNECOLOGIST!

- LISTEN, HARRY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE GUY

THAT WENT INTO THE BAR AND SAID

HE COULD PLAY THE PIANO WITHOUT HANDS?

- NO, NO, NO, I DON'T WANNA HEAR--I DON'T WANNA HEAR

ANY OF THAT KIND OF STUFF AROUND MAXINE.

AND NO PRANKS!

IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH ENOUGH FOR HER TO PLAY

WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS, SO JUST LAY OFF.

- [exhales] [doorbell rings]

- ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

HEY, MAXINE! COME ON IN, DEAR.

HOW ARE YOU? THIS IS EARL AND BUD.

- YEAH, YEAH, GREAT. LET'S JUST GO.

- WAIT--WAIT A MINUTE, EARL. LISTEN, MAXINE...

BEFORE WE PLAY WE ALWAYS LIKE TO MAKE A LITTLE BET, SEE?

YOU WANNA KICK IN 20 BUCKS?

- SURE...WHAT'S THE BET?

- WHETHER OR NOT WE COULD CON YOU OUTTA 20 BUCKS.

- AH, THEN I GUESS I WIN. - HUH?

- I JUST GAVE YOU A DRY-CLEANING COUPON.

- AHEM. SO YOU DID.

- 20 BUCKS, RIGHT? - RIGHT.

- GET A LOAD 'A THIS BROAD!

SHE WALTZES IN HERE, NEVER PLAYED WITH US BEFORE,

AND RIGHT AWAY SHE'S IN OUR FACE!

YOU'RE OKAY, MAXINE!

- THANKS, EARL...BY THE WAY,

THOSE ARE REALLY UGLY PANTS.

- FINE, LISTEN, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU ALL WOULD GET ALONG,

I'M JUST GONNA TELL CAROL I'M LEAVING.

- LISTEN, MAXI, DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING,

WE'RE NOT GONNA PULL ANY PRACTICAL JOKES ON YOU.

- AW, THAT'S TOO BAD. - HMM?

- HERE I WENT AND BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE EXPLODING GOLF BALLS.

- [gasping] I LOVE THESE THINGS!

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!

I CAN'T WAIT TO SMACK THAT FIRST BALL!

[laughing]

[laughing]

- WHAT'S--WHAT'S-- WHAT'S FUNNY?

all: NOTHING! NOTHING, NOTHING.

- COME ON!

- HEY, HANK, I'M CALLIN' THAT BABE WE MET AT THE CAR WASH.

REMEMBER HER?

THE ONE WITH THE NICE HEADLIGHTS?

- CHARLEY, I WOULDN'T GET MY HOPES UP TOO HIGH.

- DEBORAH, HI.

CHARLEY DIETZ... WE MET THIS MORNING.

A WASH AND A SUPER SEAL?

NO, NO, THAT WAS MY ROOMMATE HANK.

I'M THE ONE WHO LEFT HIS WINDOWS DOWN.

YEAH, DUMB LIKE A FOX.

I GOT THE INTERIOR WASH FOR FREE.

HELLO?

OH, I THOUGHT I LOST YOU.

- WHY DON'T YOU INVITE HER OVER FOR DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT?

I'LL COOK. - YEAH, GREAT!

LISTEN, DEBORAH, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO COME TO MY PLACE

TOMORROW FOR A FABULOUS GOURMET DINNER?

YEAH, I'M A GREAT COOK!

WELL, I'M MAKIN'... WHAT AM I MAKIN'?

- CORNISH GAME HENS AND A GRAND MARNIER SAUCE

WILD RICE AND ASPARAGUS AND A GARLIC AIOLI.

- CHICKEN.

YEAH, HANK'LL BE THERE TOO.

OKAY, SEE YOU AT 7:00.

[doorbell rings] - OH, THAT MUST BE MY FRIENDS.

- THANKS FOR DOIN' THIS, HANK.

- HEY, IT'S MY PLEASURE. I OWE YOU ONE FOR PUTTIN' ME UP.

HEY, GUYS!

TODD, DANNY, THIS IS MY FRIEND CHARLEY.

- HEY, CHARLEY. - HI.

- UH, WE'D BETTER GET A MOVE ON, HANK.

- SO, UH, YOU GUYS ARE GOING OUT TONIGHT, HUH?

- YEAH, GONNA SEE A SHOW, MAYBE GET A DRINK.

- NEED A DESIGNATED COOL GUY? - CHARLEY!

YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US!

- GREAT, WELL, LET'S ROCK 'N' ROLL!

- YOU TWO AREN'T TOGETHER, ARE YOU?

- GOOD LORD, NO!

EVEN IF HE WERE GAY, CHARLEY'S NOT MY TYPE.

[music playing]

- CAN WE GET A ROUND OF BEERS HERE?

BOY! SLIM PICKINGS ON THE CHICK FRONT TONIGHT, HUH?

- GUYS, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO TO ANOTHER BAR.

I DON'T THINK CHARLEY'S GONNA BE COMFORTABLE HERE.

- BUT WE TOLD BEN AND PETER

WE'D MEET 'EM HERE AFTER THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW HOW SNIPPY PETER GETS.

- AW, HANK, IT'S FINE. YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES IT'S GREAT JUST TO COME TO A REAL GUY BAR.

YOU KNOW? HANG OUT WITH OTHER MEN

AND WATCH A GAME ON THE TUBE.

HUH, TORVILL AND DEAN ARE IN THE ICE DANCING FINALS.

- WELL, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR BEING SO OPEN-MINDED.

IN FACT, YOU'RE ONE OF THE ONLY GUYS ON THE SHIP

THAT ALWAYS TREATS ME THE SAME AS ANYONE ELSE.

- WELL, HANK, YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE OTHER GUYS.

YOU TREAT ME WITH RESPECT, YOU DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME AND...

WELL, NOT TO MENTION YOUR LITTLE BAGS OF POTPOURRI

HAVE GIVEN THE HOUSE A REALLY LOVELY AROMA.

- THANKS, I LIKE YOU TOO.

- I LIKE TO THINK WE'RE AS CLOSE AS TWO GUYS CAN GET.

YOU KNOW, IF YOUR FRIENDS DON'T STOP DANCING TOGETHER,

PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK...

OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE GAY.

- YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

- HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN?

- CHARLEY, I'VE BEEN DATING A GUY NAMED RICKY FOR TWO YEARS.

THERE'S A PICTURE OF HIM BY MY BED IN A HEART-SHAPED FRAME.

- I THOUGHT THAT WAS SOME PRESIDENT.

AND WHEN YOU USED TO SAY "I'M GOING OUT WITH RICKY TONIGHT,"

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT A "RICKI LAKE" RICKY,

NOT A "RICKY RICARDO" RICKY.

- LOOK, I HOPE THIS WON'T AFFECT OUR FRIENDSHIP, CHARLEY.

- WELL...

DON'T BE SILLY, OF COURSE NOT...

IT'S THE '90s. I'M A SOPHISTICATED GUY.

DO ME A FAVOR. WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME?

LISTEN, YOU SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE?

I WANNA MAKE SURE HE KNOWS I'M NOT INTERESTED.

SO DO ME A FAVOR, WOULD YA?

KISS ME.

- [deep voice] OKAY. JUST MAKE IT QUICK.

I'VE GOT A SHOW TO DO.

WOOF!

- ALL RIGHT... [knocking continues]

YEAH, FINE, YEAH. I'M COMING, COMING, COMING...

[knocking continues]

- OH, GOOD, YOU'RE UP.

- CHARLEY, IT'S--IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- HARRY, CAN I SLEEP ON YOUR COUCH?

- NO!

- OKAY, YOU TAKE THE COUCH, I'LL TAKE THE BED.

- COME-- NO, CHARLEY, PLEASE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- WELL, CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

- CHARLEY, I'M EXHAUSTED!

I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY PICKING EXPLODED GOLF-BALL SHRAPNEL

OUT OF MY HAIR.

- YOU MISSED ONE. - JUST--

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

- OKAY, OKAY, HERE IT IS.

HANK'S GAY.

- YEAH? SO WHAT?

- WELL, HARRY, I'M LIVING WITH A GAY GUY!

- LOOK, CHARLEY IF--IF HANK MADE A PASS AT YOU...

THEN I'D SAY THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

AND THAT HANK COULD DO A WHOLE LOT BETTER.

BUT...I MEAN, NOTHING'S HAPPENED.

HAS IT?

- NO! OF COURSE NOT!

OKAY, I SLOW-DANCED WITH A TRANSVESTITE.

AND HE WASN'T A BAD KISSER-- BUT THAT'S IT!

- [humming]

HEY, YOU LOOK NICE, CHARLEY!

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- NOTHING. IT'S A GOOD-LOOKING SHIRT.

- I DON'T THINK IT'S SO GOOD-LOOKING.

- CHARLEY...

YOU HAVING A PROBLEM DEALING WITH MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION?

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D THINK THAT.

- YOU JUST TOOK A SHOWER WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

- YOU PEEKED!

- I DIDN'T NEED TO. THERE'S A WET BAT ON THE FLOOR

AND A HUGE DENT IN THE SOAP!

YOU REALIZE HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS?

- WELL, OF COURSE I DO!

I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS TRYING TO WASH HIS HAIR

WITH A BAT BETWEEN HIS KNEES.

- LOOK, CHARLEY, I'M SORRY.

I MEAN, I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE ASSUMED YOU KNEW--

LET'S MAKE THIS EASY, I'LL...

STAY IN A HOTEL UNTIL I FIND MY OWN PLACE.

- WELL, IF YOU THINK THAT'S BEST.

SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, HANK.

- YEAH.

LISTEN, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR DATE.

YOU GONNA BE OKAY MAKING THE DINNER?

- SURE!

COULD YOU JUST LIKE, THOUGH, WALK ME THROUGH IT?

- OKAY.

RUB THE HENS WITH OLIVE OIL. - UH-HUH.

- PUT A LITTLE TARRAGON UNDER THE SKIN.

- UH-HUH. - MEANWHILE, COOK YOUR WILD RICE

WHILE YOU'RE PEELING THE CHESTNUTS,

AND THEN MAKE YOUR GARNI BOUQUET.

ROSEMARY, CORIANDER, FOUR PEPPERCORNS, MEDIUM BAY LEAF.

- HMPH. BOY.

YOU REALLY HAVE TO BE SMART TO BE GAY.

- MAYBE I SHOULD STAY THROUGH DINNER.

- YEAH.

- HI, SOFIA!

- SO, WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A SLUT?

- I'M DRESSED TO WALK THE DOG.

- NO, YOU'RE DRESSED TO WALK THE STREETS.

YOU'RE GONNA CRUISE

THE BEEFCAKE NEXT-DOOR, AREN'T YOU?

- SOFIA, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT I WOULD STOOP

TO SUCH A BLATANTLY TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT TO BUMP INTO HANK?

- YOU BET YOUR WONDERBRA I DO.

- OH, SOFIA...

YOU SILLY LITTLE PIXIE!

- CAROL... - YEAH?

- THE DOG!

- COME ON, DREYFUSS!

- GOLF AGAIN, HARRY? - GOLF...YEAH, GOLF!

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

I'VE HAD IT WITH THE THREE OF THEM!

WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING,

MAXINE PUT SARAN WRAP OVER ONE OF THE HOLES

I WOUND UP 16 PUTTING THE GREEN

BEFORE I FIGURED IT OUT.

- WELL, THERE'LL ALWAYS BE MORE PUTTS.

AND APPARENTLY, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ONE OF THEM.

- I'M STARTING TO GET THE SAME FEELING MYSELF.

- WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!

CAN YOU BELIEVE BARKLEY MISSED FIVE SHOTS IN A ROW!

- WHY NOT? HARRY DID!

- YEAH, AND HARRY DIDN'T HAVE PEOPLE BOOING

AND THROWING CUPS OF BEER AT HIS HEAD.

- ACTUALLY, I--I DID, IF YOU RECALL, MAXINE.

- WELL, HARRY, I'M NOT SAYIN' YOUR PUTTING NEEDS WORK, BUT...

THE GOPHERS FELT SO SORRY FOR YOU,

THEY WERE DIGGING YOU EXTRA HOLES.

- KABOOM! SHE GOT YA AGAIN! - YEAH, I KNOW...

[telephone rings]

HELLO. OH, YEAH, HOLD ON.

EARL, IT'S BUNNY.

- HOW DOES SHE TRACK ME DOWN?

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH A BOUNTY HUNTER!

HI, HONEY.

WELL, I'M--I'M JUST WATCHING A BALL GAME WITH MAXINE--

OKAY, OKAY. I'M--I'M ON MY WAY. MWAH!

COME ON, BUD, I GOTTA GET BACK TO THE CELL BLOCK

BEFORE LOCK DOWN.

- OH, SO, MAXINE...

HEY, YOU WANNA PLAY AROUND WITH US NEXT SATURDAY MORNING?

- ONLY IF MY BOYFRIEND

WON'T PLAY AROUND WITH ME NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT!

- IS SHE A GREAT GUY OR WHAT? - YEAH!

- SEE YOU LATER, MAXINE! - BYE, MAX!

- I'LL SEE YOU-- SO LONG--SO LONG--PHHT!

- WELL, I BETTER HIT THE ROAD, TOO.

SAME TIME NEXT WEEKEND?

- ACTUALLY, I--I DON'T THINK I CAN MAKE IT.

YOU'D BETTER FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER FOUR.

- THAT'S TOO BAD. WHAT'S UP?

- WELL, I HAVE TO VISIT MY... MY AUNT UP IN VIRGINIA.

- HARRY, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME JOINING YOUR GROUP?

- NO, WHY?

- WELL, BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN KIND OF COOL TO ME, AND, UH,

YOUR AUNT IN VIRGINIA IS DEAD.

- LOOK, MAXINE...

I HAD TO TALK THE GUYS INTO LETTING YOU INTO THE FOURSOME.

NEXT THING I KNOW, WE'RE NOT PLAYING GOLF ANYMORE,

WE'RE PLAYING PRACTICAL JOKES NOW.

- WELL, HARRY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE ONE OF THE GUYS,

CAN'T YOU TAKE IT?

- YEAH, I COULD TAKE IT AS WELL AS ANYBODY ELSE,

BUT COME ON, GIVE ME A BREAK, MAXINE.

SPREAD IT AROUND!

YOU'RE SLINGING IT ALL AT ME.

- SORRY, HARRY.

I GUESS I WENT TOO FAR.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY.

- I DIDN'T CRY!

IT WAS THAT...ONION GUM YOU GAVE ME.

- SO IF I, UH, PROMISE TO BEHAVE,

YOU'LL PLAY NEXT WEEKEND? - OH...I DON'T KNOW...

- WE CAN GLUE THEIR SHOES TO THE GOLF CART!

- [stuttering]

MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT, YEAH.

- MMM! THIS PATE IS DELICIOUS!

- YES, CHARLEY, YOU'VE REALLY OUTDONE YOURSELF.

- WHAT'S IN IT?

- UH...

HANK, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER? YOU WATCHED ME MAKE IT!

- IT'S GOOSE LIVER.

- MMM! - NNN!

- [chuckles]

ALL THIS AND A SENSE OF HUMOR. WHAT A GUY!

[doorbell rings]

- [mumbles]

[spitting]

- OH, HI! I WAS JUST TODDLING BY WITH MY DOG.

- LISTEN, BEFORE YOU START DROOLING ALL OVER HANK,

I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

- I AM NOT HERE TO DROOL ON HANK, PEABRAIN.

NOW LET ME IN. - OKEY-DOKEY.

- HI, HANK!

OH, I'M--I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE ENTERTAINING.

- CAROL, THIS IS DEBORAH, MY DATE.

- YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US FOR DINNER.

- OH WELL, I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.

GO HOME, DREYFUSS.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HELP?

I'M SURE YOU BOYS COULD USE A WOMAN'S TOUCH.

- TRUST ME, CAROL. I GOT IT COVERED.

CHARLEY...

I THINK YOUR SOUP'S READY.

- WELL, THANKS, BUT I'D REALLY LIKE TO EAT WITH EVERYBODY ELSE.

- THIS GUY!

- OH, TWO BACHELORS THROWING A DINNER PARTY.

I BET THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH FORK GOES ON THE--

WOW! FINGER BOWLS!

OH, MY GOD! ARE THESE ROSE PETALS?

- I KNOW!

I NEVER WOULD'VE THOUGHT CHARLEY WOULD BE SO WORLDLY

AND SOPHISTICATED.

- YES, A LOT OF PEOPLE MISS THAT.

- SO, CAROL, YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU TRIED TO PICK HIM OFF YET?

- WELL...

I DON'T BELIEVE IN GUNS.

- DINNER IS SERVED!

- MMM! THAT SMELLS DELICIOUS! - MMM!

- IT'S SO NICE TO MEET A MAN WHO CAN COOK WHO ISN'T...

YOU KNOW.

- SUFFERING FROM A BROKEN WRIST...YES, MANY...

GREAT CHEFS ARE VICTIMS OF TRAGIC KITCHEN ACCIDENTS.

- NO, NO, NO. WHAT I MEAN IS...

ALL THE GREAT GUYS ARE EITHER MARRIED OR FAGS.

- EXCUSE ME, WILL YOU? - UH, WAIT A MINUTE...

UH, DEBORAH...

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T USE THAT KIND OF TALK IN MY HOUSE.

- GOOD FOR YOU, CHARLEY!

- A FRIEND OF MINE HAPPENS TO BE GAY.

VERY GOOD FRIEND.

AND THERE'S NO BETTER PERSON IN THE WORLD THAN HIM.

- WELL SAID.

- I JUST HOPE HANK STILL THINKS OF ME AS HIS FRIEND.

- OH...UM... I HAD NO IDEA.

- YEAH, WELL, GET A CLUE, HONEY!

- YOU KNOW, SUDDENLY I'M FEELING A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER.

I'D BETTER GO HOME, CHARLEY.

- THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU LOOK KINDA LOUSY.

- YEAH, WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

- CHARLEY, I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.

- THANKS, CHARLEY.

- WELL...YOU'RE MY FRIEND,

AND THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

AND...WELL...

I'VE BEEN THINKIN', AND...

I'D LIKE YOU TO STAY.

- THANKS.

BUT I CALLED RICKY THIS AFTERNOON,

AND WE'RE GONNA GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.

- BUT WE'VE MADE A HOME HERE TOGETHER!

WHAT'S RICKY GOT THAT I DON'T HAVE?

AH.

[doorbell rings] - COME IN!

HEY, MAX. HOW YOU DOING? EARL AND BUD AREN'T HERE YET.

- ACTUALLY, THEY'RE NOT COMING.

SEEMS THEIR WIVES HEARD A LITTLE TOO MUCH ABOUT MAXINE,

AND THEY'RE JEALOUS OF ME.

ISN'T THAT RIDICULOUS?

- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE SEXY, YOU'RE CHARMING.

YOU CAN--YOU CAN BELCH THE ALPHABET.

- THAT'S TRUE. - YEAH.

SO IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US? - NO, I ROUNDED UP

A COUPLE OF MORE PLAYERS. - ALL RIGHT!

- HEY NOW!

OKAY, HOW MANY STROKES OFF FOR HITTIN' A SQUIRREL?

- ALL RIGHT, WHO ELSE-- WHO ELSE IS PLAYING?

- OUTTA MY WAY...

I'M LOOKIN' FOR A RICH OLD GUY WHO CAN STILL SWING.

FOREPLAY!

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